The Not So Exciting Adventures in Equestria

by Matteoarts

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Rarity, Other, Profanity, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 4289

You ever go from being on top of the world, to nothing? Sure you have, it's just this time you've also got a job at the Carousel Boutique, and have to answer to Rarity! I hope you have fun!

After ending up in Equestria, I had found myself at the forefront of Equestrian popularity..... until I wasn't. Now, I'm just like any other loser living within Ponyville doing what I can to earn a living, until the pony known as Rarity sees something in me that I apparently can't. So let's hope it makes my life somewhat eventful, because Celestia knows that I could totally use a win right now.

Published 2019-07-29 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-02 20:03:17 UTC

Chapter 1: That Damn Doorbell

Chapter 1: That Damn Doorbell

Ring. Ring. Ring.

When I first took this job, I thought it'd be easy considering no one in this town really wears any clothes, and if they do it's usually a one time thing. Today though, for the first three hours all I could hear is that damn doorbell go off as some new stupid customer walks in and requests some monstrous piece of clothing to be made for some stupid event. Surprisingly though, Rarity, to her credit I may add, always pulls it off, delivering exactly what the customer ordered. So props to her I guess for having to put up with these moron's stupid requests. I'd give her more if she wasn't breathing down my neck every ten seconds, and would just chill the hell out.

"TOBIAS!!!!" Rarity shouted from the backroom. Whenever I heard this, I felt true, unadulterated fear. It usually meant one of two things. Either, I'd have to go back there to find out whatever it is I did wrong this time, or I'd have to dodge whatever she throws at me. As I slowly entered the backroom, I found it to be messier then usual, and Rarity absolutely fuming for whatever reason now.

"What do you need now Rarity?" I asked sarcastically

"What I need is for you to finally understand how to format these submission forms." Rarity explained. "You don't just let the customer write down whatever! You have to go through it with them, slowly and carefully. Take their measurements, ask what style, what patterns, just go through it correctly please." Rarity said firmly.

I could easily tell she was tired of my "antics," but she, surprisingly wouldn't fire me for whatever reason, which was a good thing as she paid well so maybe it was better to at least try.

"Alright Rarity. I'll try to be better next time. I promise." I said, and I was personally satisfied with my response, and turned around to go back to the front desk.

"TOBIAS!!!!" Rarity screeched.

My eyes went wide, and I immediately ducked as a pen flew above my head. I turned to see her, now back to her fuming state. I was about to speak when...

Ring

"Tobias! A customer! Go see what they want, please!" Rarity shouted. She was excited, as she always was with a customer. She saw them as a new challenge to take on. It made her feel complete when she eventually managed to tackle their monstrosity of an order.

I rushed back up to the front desk to find a young mint colored mare looking around at the racks holding clothes around the store.

"Hi there! Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, my name is Tobias, what can I do for you today?" I asked.

The young mare quickly looked towards me with the most terror filled eyes I've ever seen "Are you alright?" She stammered, and backed away slowly from the front desk. I looked at her puzzled, but I continued on.

"Do you require a submission form for a custom order?" I asked as I pull out a yellow form. The young mare backed away some more from the front desk. I was quickly beginning to lose my patience with this girl. I took a deep breath and tried once more.

"Ma'am, what can I for you." I said forcefully. The young mare simply turned, and ran back out the front door screaming. I simply blinked twice when suddenly....

"TOBIAS" Rarity shouted. I ducked once more as a whole jar of pens was thrown over my head. The sound of it smashing against a wall echoed through out the store.

"You just cost us a customer!!!" Rarity shouted. "You absolute failure of a...of a... WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE!"

I was about to shout back when,

Ring

That damn doorbell.

Author's Note

Yay. The first real chapter. I hope you all enjoyed. If you didn't please tell me why. I want to get better. I really do. I hope you all have a good morning/day/evening, and I wish you all the best. See you next time.

Chapter 2: Fuck The Weather Team

Ring.

That damn doorbell rang once more as the final customer of the day left with some random blue dress, so I began to help close up the shop for the day. Closing didn't really entail much as the shop also acted as Rarity's house, which for the record, I can't imagine living where I work, as that would be a fucking nightmare. I finished cleaning up the shop, and went to grab my jacket, as the fucking weather team are jackasses when it comes to controlling the weather. Fuck them. Outside, it was a monsoon, with it just pouring rain. Right as a loud bang of thunder rang out, Rarity came out from the backroom looking like hell. Her usually well kept mane was well, not well kept. The customers must've run her ragged, and me as well to an extent as I'm pretty terrible at this job.

"Alright Rarity, I'm heading out, for the night," I said

"Alright darling, have a goodnight, and do be careful. It's a nightmare out there," said Rarity.

I went to open the door only for it to be slammed in my face as a blue pony raced by me. I closed the door, and turn to see who the hell just came in, and there stood the blue pony, but not just any blue pony, the coolest blue pony in all of Equestria. It was the great, and powerful, Trixie Lulamoon.

Trixie stood in the center of the shop, completely drenched from being outside. Her purple hat, was missing, but her cape was soaking wet.

"Trixie?" Rarity asked. "Darling, what are you doing here, and at this hour? We're closed if you intended on getting anything." Trixie paused.

"The great and powerful Trixie regrets to inform you, that she may or may not need your help," said Trixie Embarrassingly

"What do you need help with," I said rather too quickly.

Trixie turned with a quizzical look on her face and looked me up and down.

"Yeah you'll do," Trixie almost sounded disappointed. "I'll need you to go out there and get my hat."

I turned to look outside, and it was hell, only a shit ton of water instead of fire.

"Where is it?" I asked. I was down to help her with practically anything as she was the coolest pony around here, and I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm a big fan of hers.

"Oh, it's just stuck on a pole out there. Flew off my head when I ran by. I went to go get it, but It was under water.," Trixie explained.

"Sounds easy enough," I said.

"It's under four feet of water," Trixie added.

Fuck.

Alright, these ponies are pretty short compared to me, but not by much. From what I can tell, most of them average four feet in height, but I'm an idiot so I could be wrong. Now, I'm like 5'6, and skinny as a rake so the wind is literally my worst enemy. I also can't swim for shit so things aren't looking great right now. So I simply took a deep breath, and opened the door. I was hit with the strongest wind I've ever felt in my life, and I quickly shut the door, and turned to see two very disappointed faces.

"What was that anon?" Rarity asked.

I was about to say something back, but decided to say nothing because fuck it, no point in arguing now. I opened the door once more, and was hit with the same wind again. I closed the door behind me, but I'm pretty sure Rarity said something along the lines of,

"He's going to die," Rarity may have said.

As i made my way outside I kinda realized that I just might have to do a little bit of light swimming as most of the street was under a shit ton of water. I also noticed that there were so many different fence poles, and that I didn't ask for more details. "Fuck my life, and fuck the weather team," I said to myself. I walked down the street, and proceeded to walk into four feet of water. I began diving to check under some poles. I found absolutely nothing, and came up for air, and I checked out another set of poles, and nothing. Again, I went to get more air and once I surfaced, I realized I couldn't feel the ground anymore. The water was easily above four feet as rain continued to pour. I was fucked, but Trixie needed my help, and I'll be damned if I fail her.

As I drowned, I dived more, and more to search for the last set of poles, and lo and behold. There sat the purple hat. I grabbed it, and went back up. As I surfaced, I held the hat up high in my right hand. The feeling of victory washed over me, making me forget that I was fucking drowning.

I was beginning to sink, with my face now barely above the water, I once again cursed out the weather team, because fuck those guys and sank beneath the water. I was about to give in, and just die, when i remembered my earlier statement about never failing Trixie or whatever. With my newfound strength, I somehow swam to the surface, and slowly made it back to the Boutique. The Boutique itself was under a good three feet of water, so I able to walk up to the door, open it, and flood a good portion of the store.

"What the hell Anon?!" Rarity shouted.

"I-I got that damn hat." was all I could say between breaths. My water logged ass walked up to Trixie and handed her the soaked hat.

"Uh, the Great, and powerful Trixie is grateful for.... your service," said Trixie, definitely disappointed this time. "As payment, you can come to one one my shows, for free or something."

"Fuck.... yeah," I said. Rarity came over and gave me a towel, but I felt she was kinda passive aggressive about it but whatever. I get to go to a live viewing of the Great and Powerful Trixie at work. So I see this as an absolute win.

Author's Note

I'm a shit writer, I know, and I'm sorry.

Chapter 3: The Great, and Powerful Magic Show

Chapter 3: The Great, and Powerful Magic Show

A couple days have passed since the fucking weather team fucked the town over with that storm, and because of it I've yet had the chance to go see Trixie's magic show since Rarity needed help with cleaning up the shop. Today however, is the day! I'm fairly excited to see her perform live, as back on Earth, I used to watch some magic done up close. Not the "magic" that ponies like Twilight can do, I'm talking David Blaine shit, as I find it to be some damn good entertainment, and the only magic that existed back on Earth. From what I've heard about Trixie though, her stuff seems to be a little simple but I'm a simple man so she should be able to do a damn good job of being a good entertainer. Either way, she seems like a cool pony and quite frankly I think she is one of the, if not the coolest pony around, but that's just me.

The show started in half an hour so I was kind of in a rush. I quickly went to the bank because from what I've heard, is that Trixie makes all of her money off of donations alone, so I did go and take out a good amount of bits to give to her since I hardly use them anyway since Equestria does not have anything I really want, so I really have no use for them other than food, and the odd piece of clothing here, and there. Luckily however, I don't have to pay for rent in Equestria. No one does! I don't know why, but it's just the way it works I guess. This place is good for somethings I guess.

After taking out a couple hundred bits, I finally made it down to the show. There were already a couple of other ponies there, and I began to look for the donation bin, as I was not comfortable carrying around this many bits. Like, sure this world is pretty crime free so the chances of me getting robbed were pretty low but still, better safe then sorry. I probably would've asked around for help but I fear asking such simple questions as the thought of being perceived as stupid by others for asking such a simple question terrifies me to my core. I quickly gave up before the show started, thinking that maybe she asks for donations after the show, or in between acts? I don't know, we'll just have to see I guess.

Right then, the curtains on the stage parted, and there was nothing on stage, and then smoke erupted, engulfing the stage in a thick smokescreen. As the smoke dissipated, there stood The Great, and Powerful Trixie!

"Come one, come all! Come and witness the amazing magic of the Great, and Powerful Trixie!" shouted Trixie.

Once she said that, a flock of doves flew from behind her in a V formation, the lights around the stage flashed, and more smoke went around the stage off revealing more, and more props for her to use. So yeah, this is going to be one hell of a show.

An hour after, the show was still going on, and I've come to believe that anypony who says Trixie's show is simple, are fucking idiots, but to be fair, it might be simple by Equestrian standards, but by Earth standards, it's fucking awesome. I don't see David Blaine being launched into the mouth of a fucking Manticore, and somehow coming out of a locker on the left of the beast. So far, the show has been fucking insane, and I love it! Her show has so much spectacle, and pizzazz, that it feels like a high end show, despite not being one and god do I love it. The lights, and fireworks, are amazing, and the fact that she has fucking DJ Pon-3 performing to add to the show, is fucking icing on the cake.

"Now, for one final trick, but for this one, The Great, and Powerful Trixie will require a volunteer from the crowd," Trixie excitedly announced. Plenty of Ponies in the crowd went wild, with them cheering, and screaming, I stayed as quiet as possible, and shrunk down into the crowd to avoid her eyesight, which failed pretty damn quickly.

"You there! Hairless ape! How would like to volunteer, and perform alongside The Great, and Powerful Trixie?" asked Trixie.

I've never felt so many eyes on me, in such a short span of time that I nearly fainted because of it, but the fear of embarrassment that might come with fainting in front of an entire crowd, and Trixie herself, kept me from fainting. Fuck my life.

".....sure," I quietly said. So quiet, I rivaled Flutteshy.

"Great!" shouted Trixie. How the fuck did she even hear me?

As I made my way to the stage, the crowd started cheering for me, and I just began to realize the growing level of fucked I was. On stage I was sweating bullets, as Trixie quickly explained the trick to me and I honestly didn't hear her as I was more focused on not doing anything out of the ordinary, and looking like an idiot. As she explained the trick, I just nodded my head in approval, as my fear of asking even the most basic of questions in front of anyone quickly kicked in. This fear sucks a ton, because if I didn't have it, I'd probably know why I'm being lifted into the air right now. Really, really high into the air. I then saw that Trixie said something to the crowd, and then I began to fall. I fucking fell.

"OH SHIT!" I screamed as I fell through five hoops of fire, and into a black void.

Within the black void, I saw everything! Life, and death, were like miniature explosions, and time ran, and melted into a deep void of nothing. All things end, and all things must die. I then reemerged from the black void of doom, and I thought it was over and that I'd land into a soft pad or something. I was so fucking wrong, as I quickly fell towards a fucking Ursa Major. The Ursa looked up, growled and roared. It's mouth was wide open, and I continued to fall towards it. As I fell into it's mouth, it's jaws began to close. I shut my eye's, truly believing that this was the end. Next thing I know, I'm falling out of a coffin that was standing up, and I face plant the stage.

"TA-DA!" shouted Trixie. The crowd exploded with cheers, and applause as Trixie helped me up.

"Everyone, please, one more round of applause for Anon, our wonderful volunteer!" shouted Trixie. Once more, the crowd clapped, and cheered. All Trixie could do was laugh.

"Oh, and one more round of applause should go out to my equally, if not more, Great, and Powerful assistant, Starlight Glimmer!" said Trixie as a pink pony walked out onto the stage and up to Trixie herself. The crowd clapped, and cheered again.
"And another round of applause for the awesome DJ Pon-3 for performing alongside us tonight!" DJ Pon-3 simply did a salute, as she finished up a song.

"The Great, and Powerful Trixie would like to thank you all for coming out tonight, and we hope you enjoyed the show, and if you did we have a donation box at the front here," Trixie lifted a small box out to the front with her magic, and placed it at the front of the stage. "And we'll be here for the rest of the week with more tricks up our sleeve! Trixie happily announced. The crowd went wild.

Trixie, and Starlight both took a bow as the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed to a loving crowd.

"What a show!" shouted Starlight as she and Trixie embraced one another in a hug. I stood there awkwardly, and quietly walked over to the exit, when Trixie called out my name.

"Anon! Where are you going?" said Trixie.

"I was just heading out. I did my part," I said.

"I mean, yeah you did your part, but you did it wonderfully!" said Trixie. "Besides, we always give our volunteers a souvenir of some sort."

Trixie then pulled out a box full of things, like whistles, candies, and a bunch of other cheap looking things all with The Great, and Powerful Trixie branding of course. There were also replicas of her hat, and cape, and well, I grabbed one of the hats because saving the real one was what got me here in the first place so I might as well take something to commemorate the event specifically. Trixie let out a little laugh as soon as I put thing on.

"Fitting," was all Trixie said as she struggled to contain her laughter.

"Looks pretty good on you," said Starlight.

"Heh, thanks," I said. "Oh! I forgot, I wanted to make a donation," I pulled out all of the bits, which i believe totaled to about five hundred bits I think? I don't remember the exact total, but the look on their face's said it all. It was a lot.

"You're not serious are you? Thats too much. Even if it is for the Great, and Powerful Trixie," said Trixie.

"It's all for you guys. I have no use for it all, and you guy's put on one hell of a show. You deserve it, so please! Take it!" I said.

"Then please, take one of everything from the gift bin!" Trixie happily announced. "We'd give you something else, but that's kinda all we have at the moment. The Ursa kinda killed our budget for this tour," said Trixie.

"Yeah, feeding that thing costs quite a bit, and getting DJ Pon-3 to perform for the week took quite a bit but this will help us improve the show a lot more. So, thank you so much. It means a lot to us," said Starlight.

"Yeah, The Great and Powerful Trixie offers you her thanks," said Trixie as she bows.

They both then quickly came up, and gave me a hug. First hug I've received since I came here. I'm not going to lie when I say that it felt pretty good. This place ain't all that bad I guess.

I then threw on the cape, and while Trixie looked like she might cry earlier, she was now laughing her ass off. Starlight was little nicer, and just snickered at me. I then left five hundred bits poorer, but it was worth it. It was one Great, and Powerful night.

Chapter 4: The Blood Trial

The Blood Trial

The sound of knocking at my door jolted me awake from my sleep, and for a brief moment, I thought I forgot to work today but as I kinda came back to myself, I remembered that it was Saturday. Rarity is kind enough to let me have my weekends off, which was unheard of back on Earth for me. One of the many benefits of Equestria I guess, but the only problem was that Saturday wasn't really a day off.

"Hold on!" I shouted as the knocking continued.
I got up, and walked to the front door of my fairly large house. The house they gave me to live in is huge compared to my tiny apartment back on Earth. Hell, this place would cost at least six figures back on Earth, and they just gave it to me.I opened the door, and there stood Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"Good morning Anon!" said Twilight in a cheery tone "How are ....What in Equestria are you wearing?"

My face quickly flushed with embarrassment because I just opened the door to greet Twilight Sparkle with that fucking Trixie cape on. No idea where the hat went though.

"I, uh got it from that magic show of Trixie's," I say quickly.

"Uh, huh. Anyways, as you know today is your weekly checkup, and I need to ask you some questions about your stay in Equestria. You know, how are you taking to being here, how's the weather for you, and is the atmosphere making you feel any strange feelings of any kind? Maybe it's given you any powers in tandem with the sun?" said Twilight as she flipped through some pages of a book.
"Uh, everything's fine. No powers though," I said.

Twilight wrote what I just said down into a levitating notebook and slammed it shut.

"Okay! Now, I'll need to take a blood sample," said Twilight

"Wait, the last time this happened, a nurse came to do that. Are you even professionally trained?" I asked.

"Well....no. But has that ever stopped progress before? I think not. Nurse RedHeart was supposed to come today, but as a Princess, I gave her the day off since I'm just such a benevolent ruler. Besides, we have do it do it again just to be safe. Do you really want me to list all of the reasons why? For all I know you may be carrying a super disease, or you could be infected by something from Equestria! This could be a matter of life and death, or even for the fate of the universe!" shouted Twilight.

"Uh...okay. Do you even know where the draw blood from? Safely?" I asked.

"To be fair, I could really draw blood anywhere I wish, but since you mentioned safety, I guess I should mention that I also learned a spell last night that should be able to help us. Unless you already know where I should draw the blood from that is," said Twilight.

"There's like a part of my arm I think you could use," I said.

"Great! Let's get started," said Twilight as her horn glowed, and then a flash happened.

"And done," said Twilight as a blood floated in the air in a blue transparent field.
As Twilight moved the blood into a vial, I ran my left hand over my right arm, trying hard to not believe that she just teleported blood out of my body.

"Dude, that.....is weird," I said.

"I guess it is a little strange drawing blood that way, but hey! It was quicker then normal, right?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

"I guess....I'm going to go back to bed now. Feel free to show yourself out," I said.

"Alright. Have a good sleep, and see ya next Saturday!" shouted Twilight right as she just.....poofed into thin air? I don't know.
As I began to walk back to my room, Twilight poofed back into my house.

"I almost forgot to give you these, here. Have a cookie, and a juice box," said Twilight before levitating the cookie, and juice box over to me.

"Bye!" shouted Twilight as she poofed into thin air. again.
I sighed as I stabbed a straw through my juice box. As I took a sip, I just decided to go for a walk, cause fuck it you know?

Author's Note

It's still shit.