Your Family and You

by MadMaxtheBlack

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Sex, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 94146

The twisted story of cliches and tropes continues.

For Equus, a lot has changed in the last few weeks. Humans—once thought to be nothing more than stupid animals—are now starting to show increased intelligence. They are beginning to think, learn, and question what they can and can not do to the world around them. Their sudden evolution is startling to all races that call the planet home.

Max, a human from Earth, is just trying to get his life back to normal. Or as normal as is possible, given that he is living with a princess, three ex-guards, a vampire, and an Equestrian human that's intent on getting in his pants. What could possibly go wrong?

Seeing as this is Equestria? A lot. A lot can go wrong.

Published 2019-08-17 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-03-10 05:43:48 UTC

Chapter 01: Breakfast Time and Crystal Limes

I woke in a cold sweat.

Lurching upwards, I tore the covers off my body as I struggled to breathe. My heart thundered in my chest, beating a morbid tempo against my ribs as blood pulsed in my ears. The sheets beneath me were soaked and my clothing clung to my body. Faintly, I noted the taste of copper in my mouth. My tongue ached.

Still breathing heavily, my eye frantically darted around the room, searching each shadow for horrors. Horrors that were not there. I could still hear them though, scuttling and slithering through the deep recesses of the world. Coming, always coming. Coming for me.

Yet… there was nothing there.

Twilight’s bedroom was exactly as it had been the night before. The faintest hints of sunlight trickled in through the gap between the curtains. It fell across the bed and down into the lower levels of the room. The bookshelves carved into the wooden walls were still packed full with a plethora of books, and her desk against the far wall was still completely covered in various scrolls, grimoires, and broken quills. Several burnt-out candles dotted the surface as well.

Running a hand through my long hair, I let out a deep, shaky breath. I flexed my fingers, staring at them as they opened and closed slowly. They felt stiff, the joints popping as they moved. The phantom pain from the dream was still present. It had only been a dream, I told myself. Only a dream.

And yet…

The sound of birdsong from outside snapped me from my thoughts and I glanced at the curtains. They were made from a soft lavender fabric—a much better quality than the thin, yellow ones that Twilight had previously used. These ones were thicker and didn’t force me to wake up with the rising of the sun. Twilight had been a little hesitant at first, but it hadn’t taken much convincing for her to change them out. In fact, it just took one night of me sleeping on the couch and the curtains were changed the next morning before I had woken up.

Speaking of Twilight…

I turned my attention to the other side of the bed. It was currently empty, and upon tentatively placing my hand against the bedsheets, I noted that they weren’t even warm.

She’s been up for a while, I mused as my fingers dug into the coarse material. The only question was, how long? According to the cuckoo clock on the opposite wall (the one that I had made sure wasn’t going to be making any noise), it was a little after eight in the morning. That meant she’d probably been up for at least three hours already. Even after living with her for over a year now, I will never understand how that mare managed to get up so early, especially after staying up later than me, reading.

There’s some magic bullshittery going on there, or I’m a wombat.

By then, I had calmed down to the point where my heart wasn’t trying to actively escape my ribs. Despite having been so abruptly thrust into the land of the living, I was still exhausted. I was debating the chances of going back to sleep for a few more hours when I heard the sound of hooves on the stairs outside. A moment later, the bedroom door swung open.

“Oh, you’re awake?” In the doorway stood a purple pony. Her mane had been neatly brushed, the pink and purple highlights standing out against the dark blue hair. A pair of wings twitched at her sides as she studied me intently with her deep violet eyes.

“Don’t tell me it was another nightmare?” Twilight asked, her voice soft. I said nothing, but she was able to read the answer on my face. She sighed. “This is getting ridiculous. You really should do something about them.”

“It’s fine,” I said. My voice was rough and it cracked on ‘fine’.

Twilight shook her head. “No, it’s not fine,” she said as she moved into the room. “You’ve barely gotten any sleep since the fiasco in Canterlot.” Her horn lit up with a rosy light and a pair of saddlebags emerged from the closet. As she began to fill them up with books and papers, she continued. “You say that you aren’t traumatized, but it’s clear that you are! You struggle to fall asleep at night, and when you finally do, you suffer from nightmares more often than not.” She paused her packing to look up into the loft. “I’m really getting worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” I said again, though I didn’t meet her eye. “It’s nothing. Just a few bad dreams. I’ve had nightmares before.”

“For two weeks straight?” she asked skeptically.

“I’m not having them every night,” I countered. She said nothing yet glared up at me. I chewed on my cheek before sighing. “Fine. If they continue, I’ll write to Luna, okay?”

Twilight watched me for a moment before nodding slowly. “If you don’t, I will.” With that, she returned to her packing. She perused the shelves, pulling off several books on various topics: structures, maps, and old-time mechanics. They all went into the saddlebags, along with blank sheets of parchment and several scrolls.

As she was placing the bags on her back, I asked, “Where are you off to with all that?”

“Hmmm?” She adjusted the straps about her flanks. “Oh, well. Spike and I are heading over to the Castle of the Two Sisters.”

“Does this have anything to do with that magic box thingy you found by that weird tree?”

“Actually, yes,” she said. For the first time, a smile touched her lips. “I was originally going to head to Canterlot to check the Archives, but Princess Celestia recommended that I look in the ruins’ library first. According to her, there might be a book or two there that can shed some light on the chest’s purpose. Or a few I might find for my own personal interest.”

“And you were going to leave without waking me up first?”

“Yes,” she answered immediately. “You need your sleep. You’re still recovering, and with the nightmares constantly waking you up, you need as much sleep as you can get.”

“Sleep more?” The corners of my mouth twitched upward. “There once was a time when you’d be physically pulling me off the couch in order to prevent me from sleeping in too late.”

“Yes, well, times have changed,” she said, a faint blush touching her cheeks. “I was going to leave you a note, but I guess I don’t need to now. We should be gone most of the day, but I plan to be back around dinner time.” She cocked her head to the side and gave me a curious look. “What are you going to do today?”

“No clue,” I said. “I was thinking about going back to sleep, but—” Looking down, I flexed my fingers again “—I’m not so sure now. I might get up and relax a little. Maybe work on that report you all want me to write so badly.”

“Well,” Twilight said slowly as she made her way towards the door, “whatever you decide upon, remember: don’t do anything too strenuous. You don’t want to make your leg worse, right?”

“Yes, mom,” I called after her as she left, only to be smacked upside the head by a pillow encased in a rosy glow.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Getting down the stairs was a little difficult. My leg might have been healing nicely, but it still hurt to put pressure upon it. As such, I was forced to jump one-legged onto each step while using the railing to support myself so that I didn’t fall face-first down the staircase.

The library was quiet when I finally reached the ground floor, Twilight and Spike having already left during my slow descent. Several of the windows were open, and a warm breeze wafted inside, bringing with it the smell of spring. In the distance, the faint sound of ponies in the marketplace could be heard.

I glanced around the library for a moment before the sound of plates clattering together drew my attention to the kitchen. Using the cane I had acquired in Canterlot as support, I limped over to the archway and peered inside.

A gray unicorn mare in a white apron was leaning upon the counter, a large mixing bowl in front of her. There was flour in her short, hot-pink mane and splotches of jam and jelly upon her cheeks. Her horn glowed a soft pink, and inside the bowl, a large whisk spun and twirled. The heavy scent of cooking batter filled the air, along with the sweet scent of fruit.

As I watched, she scooped out a cup of batter before, with expert ease, she deposited it upon a large skillet that was resting atop a lit burner. With a hiss, the scent of pancakes grew. Her horn glowed brighter, and a spatula flew through the air, flipping pancakes that had been previously cooking.

Oblivious to my presence, Ebony Rose hummed to herself as she cooked, swaying back and forth on her hind legs. I watched her for a moment, leaning on the door frame to support myself. As she was removing the latest batch of pancakes, I made myself known. “Did you make enough to share?”

To her credit, she only jumped a little. Turning around, she gave me an annoyed look before it softened into a smile. “As a matter of fact, yes, I did,” she said as she went back to her baking. “Seeing as everypony seems to be having a lazy morning, I figured I’d make some brunch for whoever wants it.”

“Smells good,” I said, limping over to peer over her shoulder. “Whatcha making?”

“An old family recipe,” Ebony answered. “Just standard buttermilk pancakes with lots of blueberries and bananas mixed in, and some cinnamon to complement it all.”

I lifted up a bowl of strawberries. “And these?”

“Those go on with the syrup,” she said as she took the bowl from me and placed it back on the counter. “Got some fresh birch syrup that we’re going to try out.”

“Sounds decent enough,” I said, taking a step back. “Glad I’m the first in line then. I’m starving.”

She gave me a smug look. “Actually, you’re not. Somepony beat you to the queue.” At my confused look, she motioned with her head. “Get in line, buddy.”

Turning, I blinked in surprise upon seeing a human sitting in the far corner of the room. Pyresteed was seated cross-legged upon the floor, surrounded by various bits and pieces of food that Ebony had been using to cook. Her brown hair was its normal tangled, chaotic mess, and she had her signature black shirt on (which was two sizes too big for her, considering it had originally been my shirt before she ‘borrowed’ it). Her fingers and lips were stained red and purple as she munched away happily at the misshapen blueberries and strawberries she had been given.

Upon seeing me, she perked up and let out a happy-sounding chirp. “Alpha!” she mumbled out around her mouthful of food. “Alpha, food!” Holding up a hand, she offered me a large strawberry that looked like it was two that had been fused together.

I shook my head. “No, thank you. I’ll wait until the pancakes are done.”

She cocked her head to one side and then to the other, staring at me with big, blue eyes. After working out the general gist of what I had said, she glanced down at the massive berry.

“No, wait, don’t,” I attempted, but it was too late. Leaning down quickly, she nommed the entire thing in one bite. Strawberry oozed from the corners of her mouth as she struggled to chew the monstrous berry, her cheeks bulging.

“You’re going to choke one of these days,” I huffed.

“I don’t know,” Ebony said skeptically. “With what I’ve seen her put in her mouth, I’m shocked she hasn’t choked yet. She’s consumed whole oranges, peel and all. The amount of trash we have to put out each week has dropped dramatically. She’s a bottomless eating machine.”

Unaware that we were talking about her, Pyresteed went about licking the sticky fruit juices from her hands. She suckled on her fingers, practically deepthroating them as she attempted to get all of the sweet fluids.

“Would… would it be degrading if I got her a toy to chew on?” I asked Ebony. “I feel like she needs something. I mean, I don’t think she’d be too humiliated by it, but I’m not sure if it’s proper or not.”

“Honestly?” Ebony shrugged. “I think she’d probably just end up eating the toy as well.”

“I’d like to think that she’s got enough sense to not consume something that isn’t some type of food,” I replied. “She hasn’t eaten her pillow yet, or her clothing. I think she can handle having a chew toy.”

“I disagree.” Ebony shook her head. “I’ve seen her consume plenty of non-food items. Soap, several bits, and popsicle sticks when she was finished with the popsicle. Oh, and a lightbulb. Saw her eat one of those things too.”

I gave her a weak smile. “Uh, maybe she wanted a light… snack?”

“Ha ha,” Ebony scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Look, you can get her a toy if you think it’ll help, but I’m willing to put bits on her just eating it as well.” I opened my mouth to offer some sort of rebuttal, but the sound of gagging and retching interrupted me.

Pyresteed writhed on the floor, her limbs twitching and jerking sporadically. Greenish foam frothed from her mouth, sudsing down her cheeks and pooling on the floor around her. A bright green box lay beside her. The top had been chewed open, and the contents—white, powdery crystals—were spilled across the floor.

“Oh, for the love of… Not again!” Ebony sighed explosively before turning off the stovetop. Handing me the spatula in her magic, she jumped down and made her way out of the kitchen. She called back over her shoulder as she removed her apron. “I’ll get the charcoal and potion, you watch the food and make sure it doesn’t burn.”

I nodded, moving to stand beside Pyresteed. She was still gurgling loudly, but I noted that she didn’t appear all the distressed. In fact, she was attempting to eat the foam, but was having trouble biting it. Bending down gingerly, I picked up the box and examined it only to shake my head upon seeing it was a detergent box, with a picture of a crystal and a lime on the front.

Shaking my head, I dropped the box and got back to my feet.

“And what did we learn?” I asked Pyresteed as I gently rolled her onto her side.

“Harglegargleflarg,” came the reply.

“And are you going to do it again?”

“Gaaargflurkgleer.”

“I suppose that's as good as I’m going to get, huh?”

“Florgalarg.”

“Fair enough.” Pulling up a chair, I sat beside her as we waited for Ebony to return. Gurgling quietly to herself, she reached out and wrapped a hand around my ankle possessively. I said nothing, but a weak smile touched my face as I continued to watch the cooking pancakes.

Chapter 02: You and Your High Horse

It wasn’t long before Ebony returned with a few clumps of crushed up charcoal and a bright blue potion. Mixing the ingredients together, we managed to stop Pyresteed retching long enough to swallow the concoction. It stopped her heaving, but the bubbles of greenish soap kept coming.

In the end, Ebony had to take her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped. Taking up the cooking, I assured her that I’d finish making breakfast and leave her portion in the fridge for later. Completely lost in thought, I barely tasted the food as I ate silently at the table. Washing everything down with a glass of orange juice, I left the dishes in the sink for later.

Upon exiting the kitchen, I noticed that the library wasn’t empty anymore. There, splayed out on the couch with her wings flared wide open, was Primrose. Bandages still covered her body, the largest concentration being around her chest and neck. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot and unfocused as she stared into the distance. Smoke wafted from her lips as she sighed heavily.

Her ear twitched as I entered the room and she slowly turned her head in my direction. It seemed to take a few minutes for her to focus, but when she did, her glazed eyes narrowed.

“You, uh… you shouldn’t be up… and about yet?” she said, although it was more of a question. Her words were slurred as if she was speaking with a swollen tongue. “You’re supposed… supposed to be resting. Twilight’s… not going to be, uh… happy?”

“Neither will I if I have to stay cooped up much longer,” I said. Minding my leg, I limped over to the occupied couch. “I’ll take any annoyance from Twilight over my own boredom any day.” I leaned down and tapped her hind leg. She blinked once before sliding over and allowing me to collapse back onto the cushions with her.

“Besides,” I continued, “it’s not like I’m out hiking or roughhousing. I think I’m allowed to move around my own house.”

“I suppose…” Primrose hummed, and more smoke trickled from her nostrils followed by a sweet-yet-heavy scent.

I glanced over at her and crinkled my nose. “Geez, that’s stuff is strong. What the hell is it?” I paused before adding, “How high are you right now?”

She was silent for a moment before lifting a small smoking joint up in her wing. “The Healers prescribed it,” she said slowly. “Before I left Canterlot. It’s… it’s supposed to help… deal with the pain.” She stares at the smoking tip before a small frown touched her lips. “But… I think they might have… might have prescribed too much.” Rolling it around in her wing-fingers, she studied it before taking a pull. “It’s good though,” she sighed, smoke billowing from her lips. “Makes me feel less like shit. Don’t like feeling like shit.”

“Sonofabitch…” I muttered as the sweet-smelling smoke filled the air. Waving a hand in front of my face, I tried to stave off the haze. “That’s some strong stuff. If I’m feeling light-headed just from the contact high… fuck!”

“Sorry,” Primrose slurred, giving me a lopsided, apologetic smile. “S-sorry. It’s only until the wounds… the wounds have healed. Okay?” Lifting a hoof, she ran it gingerly over the bandages on her chest. “Just… just a few more weeks, right?”

“If you say so,” I said. Letting my head fall back against the couch cushions, I stared up at the ceiling. Silence filled the room as we both sat there, listening to the faint noises coming from outside—bird song, pony laughter, and the sounds of foals playing.

We stayed that way for a few minutes before Primrose suddenly shifted beside me. She winced, a hoof pressing against her chest, before inhaling slowly. Her nostrils flared and some spark of cognition returned to her gaze.

“Oh, um… I never… I never did get to thank you… for what you did,” she mumbled.

Rolling my head around, I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. “What?”

“I never did thank you,” she repeated, slightly louder but just as slurred as before. “For, uh… saving my life and all. With the whole ‘drinking your blood’ thingy.” She fidgeted and one of her wings twitched against my side. “I… it’s just, um… t-thanks, I guess.”

I stared at her for a few seconds before returning my gaze to the ceiling. “I wasn’t going to let you die,” I said. “I wasn’t just gonna let you bleed out there in front of me. You needed blood, I had blood.”

“Yeah, well, still…” She frowned. “There aren’t many… ponies out there who’d be willing to, uh… go to that sort of length. Especially… especially not for a sang, uh… sanguinarian.” She takes another hit before continuing in a cloud of smoke. “Blood drinking makes them nervous. Takes more than just drinking your blood to turn you into a sanguinarian, but other ponies… just can’t see it...” Her ears splay back and she sighs. “Tried to bring it up to an old coltfriend and he just clocked me in the mouth and ran off, screaming. Hard for sanguinarians to be themselves around non-sanguinarians.”

“Don’t label yourself,” I huffed. “You’re not just a ‘sanguinarian’. You’re Primrose. You’re a pony, with strange parts… just like the other ponies, who also have strange parts. Like horns, and wings, and horns and wings.” Reaching up, I placed a hand on her head and weakly began to scratch behind her ears. “But most importantly, you’re a friend… and if it came down to it, I’d be willing to do it all again.”

I felt her wing twitch again and she slowly draped it over my leg. “I… still, thanks…”

“Eh, what can I say,” I shrugged. “I’m greedy. I didn’t want to lose a friend.”

“...just accept the damn gratitude.”

“Fine,” I grumbled. “You’re welcome.”

We lapsed into silence again. A warm breeze snuck into the room from an open window, stirring Primrose’s smoke and dissipating it around the room. I was able to get another good whiff of the sweet smelling aroma, and the smell left me feeling light-headed. The room spun slightly.

God damn it! I grimaced. That stuff is strong, and that’s just the smell alone. Primrose is the one over there smoking the stuff. Another waft tickled my nose. I’m surprised she can even have a conversation right now. I pause, and the grimace turned deadpan as I continued to stare up at the ceiling. The gears in my head turned, and slowly a smirk worked its way across my face.

Continuing to gently scratch Primrose’s head, I spoke up. “Hey, Prim?”

An ear twitch and a hum was the only response I got.

“I’ve got a question for you,” I continued. The ear twitched again and this time she turned her head in my direction. Glancing down, I saw she was giving me a curious look.

“Yeah?” she slurred.

I smiled. “I was just wondering… if you drop the soap on the bathroom floor… does the floor get clean or does the soap get dirty?”

There was a moment of stillness, but then I felt her tense beneath my hand as her mind finally registered what I asked. Her bloodshot eyes widened. “Max, no, don’t…”

Ignoring her pleas, my smile grew. “Which orange came first? The color or the fruit?”

“Max, don’t do this. Please… I… I can’t right now…”

“Okay, okay, okay,” I said, sighing dejectedly, only to then ask. “Who put the alphabet in alphabetical order?”

Primrose jerked slightly, trying to get away from me but failing. Instead, she ended up draped over the armrest. “Max, please. Don’t do this to me. I thought we were friends.”

“But… why is there a ‘d’ in ‘fridge’ but not in ‘refrigerator’?”

“Nooo,” she whined weakly, reaching up and putting her hooves over her ears. “No, no, no! Why… why do you do this?!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said as I scratched my beard. There was a pause. “If you get out of the shower clean… then why does your towel get dirty?”

“Nuuuh!” Rolling onto her side, Primrose wrapped her wings around herself and began to rock back and forth. Unable to hold back any longer, I burst out laughing. Primrose pouted, her ears folding against her head as she glared at me.

“I hate it when you do this,” she huffed. “It’s… it’s just… gah!” Unfurling her wings, she flailed her hooves at me, slapping me weakly on the arm. “Gnah! No! It’s in my head, you… you bucker. It’s in my head! I was enjoying myself, but now all I’m going to think about for the next few hours is why towels get dirty!”

I paused my laughter during her tirade, only to start laughing again after. However, it quickly turned into a gasp of pain and I placed my hand against my chest.

“Serves you right,” Primrose grumbled as I wheezed and coughed.

“Yeah, whatever,” I grunted. “I guess I deserved that.” Rubbing at my chest, I took a deep breath only to wince in pain again. “Ugh, mother fucker…”

“Your ribs?” Primrose asked.

“Yeah,” I mumbled. Grabbing a pillow, I held it against my stomach. “Still bruised.” The first few days had been the worst. Back then it had hurt to even breathe. Now though, everything was fine so long as I didn’t laugh or cough. Or yawn. Or breathe too deep.

Actually, it was still fucking annoying.

It took a minute of so to get control of my breathing again. Settling back down against the couch cushions again, I blinked in surprise as Primrose proffered the blunt to me.

“Helps with the pain,” she said with a shrug.

I stared at the smoking joint before taking it in my fingers. Giving it one last look, I sniffed before slipping the butt between my lips. A small pull on it and my mouth was filled with a heady, earthen flavor. It trickled down my throat and quickly spread through my chest. I held my breath for a moment before exhaling in a burst of smoke.

Almost immediately, I could feel a tingling sensation sneaking up my arm. Lifting it up, I stared at the hand, only for my eyes to widen when my vision doubled. “Oh boy…”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“Nooo, no, that’s just... you’re… you’re lying,” I slurred. My eyelids felt heavy, and there was a pleasant fuzzy feeling in my brain. Lifting an arm was hard, as the limb felt several pounds heavier than it should have been. “You’re just, uh… you’re just making shit up. Yeah, that’s it.”

“No, I swear. I’m telling the, uh… truth!” Primrose said, making placating motions with her hooves. “It’s totally true.”

“No, it can’t be,” I giggled. “You’re lying!”

“No, really,” Primrose whined. “I swear I could taste more… things before I became a san, uh… sangu… sanguinarian!”

My brow furrowed. “But… that doesn’t make any sense!”

“I knooow,” Primrose said, pressing her forehooves against her cheeks, “but it’s truuue. I swear to the Maker, everything had more flavor when I was a normal pegasus. Like, salads actually had taste to them. Tomatoes… sweet Celestia, I used to love the taste of tomatoes.”

“But tomatoes don’t have a taste!” I informed her, rather loudly.

“Mare, I don’t know how to explain it,” Primrose grumbled. “I just remember that one day tomatoes tasted like tomatoes, and now they barely have any taste. Like at all. It’s like biting water.” She sighed heavily and fell back against the arm rest. “It’s super disa… disa… disappointing. Yeah. It’s like I have a wax coating on my tongue. Nothing has that wonderful flavor anymore.”

“Except for blood?” I offered.

“Except for blood,” she agreed with a nod.

Silence fell for a moment before I asked. “Wait, so… why don’t you, you know… put blood in your food then?”

This caused her to pause. “What?”

“Well… you know…” I waved my hands about in front of me animatedly. “Just like those weirdos, right? The ones that put ketchup on everything to… to give it ‘flavor’. Or those people that need to put hot sauce on anything bland. Just, you know…” Running a finger over my wrist, I made an exploding noise as I mimicked blood flying everywhere. “Just, uh… season your food with blood, right?”

“It… it doesn’t work… that way?” she says, although it’s more of a question than a statement. Her eyes darted back and forth lethargically before she shook her head. “No, it wouldn’t work…? Like, if you put ketchup on some fries, it doesn’t make the fries taste more like fries. It just makes them taste like ketchup.”

“Oh…” I scratched my head. “Well, what if… what if you used blood instead of water when growing tomatoes?”

Primrose blinked. “W-what?”

“Like, you know… what if you made a tomato garden, right?” I asked. “And what if, instead of water… you used blood to water them? Blood them? Um… but, yeah… wouldn’t that, like… put flavor in them? Because instead of tasting watery… they’ll have blood… which has flavor to it...” My fingers wiggled strangely as I spoke, and it took me a moment to realize I was also signing in hoof language. Not sure what to do with them, I just sat on my hands to silence them.

“That…” Primrose said slowly. Her eyes narrowed before suddenly opening wide. “That’s brilliant!” Her wings fluttered, bony fingers twitching and jerking about sporadically. “That… that would be… w-we need to get tomato seeds! And a garden. A-and some blood!”

“B-but… where do we get tomato seeds?” I asked.

“We, uh… we need a pony who’s good with plants,” Primrose hummed.

At that moment, the front door clicked before swinging open. Ebony stood in the doorway with Pyresteed perched happily upon her back, holding her ears. She had on a small medical smock, and a hospital band was around her wrist.

Ebony made to step into the library, only to pause upon seeing me and Primrose staring at her. Her eyes widened. “Oh no. No, no, no. I’ve seen that look before. No. Buck no. Whatever it is, no. I’m out. No way. Not going to happen.” She trailed off, gaze darting back and forth between our grinning faces before sighing. “I’m going to regret this…”

Primrose and I tried to hold it in, but within seconds, we both dissolved into painful laughter.

Chapter 03: Blood for the Spud!

“I can’t believe I let you guys talk me into this,” Ebony grumbled. With a huff, she blew a strand of pink hair out of her eyes. Lifting the hammer in her magic, she lined up the shot before sinking the nail in with one hit.

Leaning on the open window sill, Primrose and I watched her work from inside the kitchen. Primrose had dragged a couch pillow along with her and was now perched on the sill like a spoiled cat in the sunlight. The whites of her eyes had turned black and her fangs protruded from her lips along with the almost-finished joint. As she exhaled, smoke wafted up into the dense foliage above and disappeared amongst the leaves.

At this point, I had stopped smoking with her and instead was now snacking on a bag of mixed nuts I had found in the pantry. Normally, I wasn’t much of a nut person, but I was starving and they just looked and sounded delicious at the moment. Glorious flavors filled my mouth as I munched on roasted peanuts and almonds. I dug around for another handful, only to pause when a sad-sounding chirp came from behind me.

Pyresteed was seated on the floor, giving me a forlorn look. At first I didn’t know what the problem was, but then her eyes darted down to the bag of nuts in my hands. Digging out a large walnut, I tossed it to her. Her eyes lit up and she darted forward, catching the tumbling nut in her mouth, where she proceeded to crunch down on it with much enthusiasm.

I threw her a couple more nuts before turning back to stare out the window at Ebony. She was putting the final touches to the project before stepping back and examining the window box she had just erected. Dark soil filled the hardwood planter and little wire nets stuck up in evenly-spaced intervals throughout it.

“There,” Ebony grunted, taking a step back. “That should about do it.”

“What about the watering system?” I asked.

She stared blankly at the box before sighing. “I had really hoped that you would forget about that part.” Shaking her head, she picked up a medical bag that had been sitting by the base of the tree. The main flap opened and she pulled out a large blood bag.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked as she held the blood bag up in her magic.

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Primrose smiled and nodded her head eagerly. She stared at the blood bag like a filly on Hearth’s Warming Eve. “Yes. All of my yes. This is going to work. This is going to be great!”

Beside her, I nodded as well, my mouth full of cashews.

“But… this is your blood,” Ebony said to me.

I shrugged. “I’m not using it at the moment.”

“Yes, but if I use it for this, we’ll have to resupply our stocks,” she said, waving the bag around through the air. Primrose’s eyes followed its motion like a cat watching a mouse. “That means we’ll have to draw more blood from you, which entails sticking you with needles.”

“A’ight…”

“You hate needles!”

I shrugged again. “With you guys living here, I’m used to dealing with a bunch of little pricks at this point.”

Ebony opened her mouth only to pause, her eyes narrowing as she stared up at me. I tried to give her a blank look, but the corners of my mouth turned traitors and slowly began to twitch upwards against my will.

Beside me, I heard Primrose fighting back her own giggles.

Ebony continued to stare at us for a moment before sighing again. “Alright, fine. Fine! Let’s just… get this over with.” She opened the medical bag again and pulled out an IV kit, which she promptly began disassembling the needle component. Using said needle, she poked holes along the thin, rubber tube at even intervals.

As I watched her work, a sad chirp came from behind me again. Fishing out another large walnut, I threw it over my shoulder. A moment later, there came a snap and a crunch, followed by the sound of chewing. I tossed another one back there before enjoying a handful of peanuts myself.

By then, Ebony had finished with her assembly. Hanging the blood bag on a small hook above the window, she ran the tube down the side of the window frame and snaked it through the planter box.

“Right,” she sniffed, rubbing her nose with a hoof. “That’s the best I can do with the materials I have presently, but it should be all set up now.”

“And this will work?” Primrose asked, her ears perking up.

Ebony shook her head. “This shouldn’t work at all. Plants need water to grow, not blood. If anything, all this will accomplish is giving us clotty, clumpy soil that smells and attracts flies after a couple of days. Still, I’ll play along until you guys come to your senses.”

“So, how does this work anyway?” I asked. Poking the blood bag with a finger, I watched as it swung back and forth.

“It uses the same premise as drip irrigation,” Ebony said. Her horn lit up as she stopped the bag swinging. “When I open the tab, blood will flow down the tube and slowly be dispersed into the soil thanks to the small holes in the tube itself. This would normally help the plants grow by getting the water into the root system with minimal evaporation. However, as I said before… this is blood, not water. I have no idea what’s going to happen.” She paused before tsking. “Actually, I know what’s going to happen. Nothing good.”

“No, no, this will work,” I said. “We’ve done the math. Everything checks out. This is so going to work.”

Ebony gave me an incredulous look before shaking her head. “Maker help us,” she muttered before turning the IV tab with her magic. Slowly, blood began to ooze down the tube, creeping down and down and down until it reached the soil below.

“There we go,” she said. “Now it starts.”

“So…” Primrose said, her eyes watching the blood sliding down the tube, “how… how long until the tomatoes grow?”

Ebony paused in packing up the medical bag. “Well, should this actually work… which it won’t… it’ll be about forty to fifty days until the plants start to actually produce fruit.” She slung the bag over her back. “However, the blood is probably just going to kill the seeds, so, yeah… nothing’s going to happen.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo,” I laughed.

“I can practically taste the flavor already,” Primrose mumbled, her tongue lolling out.

“I give up,” Ebony sighed. Turning, she headed for the back door. “Just… I don’t know… remember to change the bag when it runs out?” She stopped before sighing again and muttering under her breath. “I can’t believe I did this…”

Reaching up, I poked the blood bag again. “So… how long do you think this will last before we need to change it out?”

“I don’t know…” Primrose blinked. “Maybe like… every seven days? Eight?”

“How many bags of blood do we have downstairs?” I asked.

“About… six of yours, I think?” Primrose hummed. “Maybe seven?”

“Do you have any of your guys’ blood down there too?” There was a sad chirp and I threw an almond over my shoulder.

There was a crunch before, “Mmmm… Alpha nut good.”

“No, I think we used all our supplies during the Canterlot incident,” Primrose said. She paused before shaking her head. “Actually… the other two might have resupplied, but I haven’t been in proper shape to resupply yet.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “We’ll just use mine then. I don’t think it’ll take more than six, right?”

“More alpha nut?”

“No, I don’t think it’ll take more than six.”

“I hope not. Otherwise, we might just have to hook me up to the drip manually.”

“Alpha, nut?”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“I wouldn’t be able to leave the kitchen! Where am I supposed to sleep? Go to the bathroom? Stuff like that?”

“Alpha nut pls?

“Oh… good point.”

“I guess if worse comes to worst, we can just have Ebony take some more blood, right?”

“Nut for Pyresteed?”

“But you hate needles.”

“I’ll just need a distraction. Maybe I can get Twilight to… what? What do you want?”

“Alpha, nut in mouth pls!”

“Alright, fine! God. Hold still...”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Darkness was beginning to fall over the library. The last light of the setting sun shone through the windows, casting the room in a deep orange hue even as the shadows lengthened. Fireflies were beginning to flash to each other, and the nocturnal creatures stirred. From the upper balcony, Owlowiscious hooted before taking off into the sky to hunt.

Entrenched at the far end of the couch, I had my bad leg up on a footstool. A bottle of whiskey rested on the table beside me, and a glass of it sat in my hand. Having already finished off a few rounds beforehand, I was feeling rather relaxed and warm.

Primrose was on the other end of the couch, draped over the armrest as usual. She had another blunt in her mouth, although this one was smaller than the one before and had a more fruity aroma than before. The bandages around her chest had been pulled back, revealing the wounds on her chest as she aired them out. She had a deep crater on her chest with a matching one opposite on her back. While not life-threatening anymore, it was still nasty to look at as pinkish-clear liquid oozed around the edges.

“Drainage,” she had grunted when I asked her if that meant it was infected or not.

Across the way, Ebony sat on one of the library’s many cushions. A flowery bandana kept her bangs out of her eyes. In her magic, she had a mug of her own which she nursed reverently—her supply of Cinnamon Apple Cider running dangerously low. She took little sips, humming happily with each taste.

Avera was stretched out across the armchair, her wings spread wide and her black feathers disheveled. She had just gotten home not that long ago from her delivery gig, the mail cap still resting atop her disheveled, two-tone red mane. Over the past couple of weeks, she had been taking up odd jobs around town for extra bits. When we asked her why, she had just shrugged and said it was for a personal reason. She didn’t seem overly stressed about it, so we let it be.

We were all relatively grouped around a small coffee table that was illuminated by a dim lantern overhead. Various food wrappers covered the scuffed wood, as well as some empty bottles. In the center of the table though, was the focus of our attention. It was a new game that Ebony had picked up from the local hobby shop one day when she was out and about. The premise was rather simple—it was called Hail to the FUNgeon, and it was played almost like an RPG-style liar's dice.

It was turn-based, with each player bidding to see who could get a solitary hero token through the shared dungeon with the provided equipment. When it was your turn, you could either add monster cards to the ‘dungeon’ pile (which would make the trial even harder), remove a piece of equipment from the hero (which would make the hero weaker), or drop out of the bidding by passing. The last player standing then had to take the hero into the FUNgeon and confront all the monsters inside, with what little equipment they had left.

To make matters even more complicated, certain monster cards could only be defeated by certain equipment cards. If said monster card came up and you didn’t have the proper equipment, you took full damage.

Basically, you were trying to fuck over your friends without getting screwed over yourself.

It was a fun game, and even though there was some mental planning that went into your decisions, it was also fairly relaxing as well.

Leaning back against the couch, I sipped at my whiskey as Avera took her turn. She drew a card from the pile and, after studying it for a moment, placed it face down in front of her before grabbing the spear equipment piece and removing it from play.

“I don’t think she’s coming back tonight,” she said as she placed the spear piece on top of the face-down card. Grabbing a bottle of cider, she popped the cap with a tooth before downing half the contents in one gulp.

“Who’s not coming back?” Ebony asked as Primrose took her turn.

“Who do you think?” Avera grunted. “Sparkle? Our kind and benevolent landlady? It’s getting dark and she’s still not back yet. I have to assume she’s not coming back home tonight.”

“Of course she isn’t,” I scoffed.

This caused Avera to blink. “What? Did she tell you she was staying there overnight or something?”

I shook my head. “No, but knowing her, I kinda figured. I’d be willing to bet twenty bits that she’s currently going through the library book by book. She’s definitely not coming home tonight.” Reaching down, I drew a card and looked at it. The dragon card stared back at me and I suppressed a grin. Avera had already removed the spear, which meant nothing could beat the dragon… which did the most damage.

Keeping my face blank, I slipped the dragon face down on the dungeon pile before continuing. “I’d expect her to be back sometime tomorrow afternoon… but I don’t know if she took any food with her or not.”

“So, you’re saying it’s a battle between her love of reading and her need for food,” Avera snickered.

“Poor Spike,” Ebony said, her ears splaying back. “He can’t walk home by himself, what with the castle being deep in the Everfree Forest. I just hope he finds somewhere comfortable to sleep.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he took a pillow with him just in case,” I said. “Honestly, depending on how ragged Twilight runs him, he might just pass out on a pile of books.” Finishing off the whiskey in my glass, I poured myself more from the dwindling supply in the bottle.

“I suppose,” Ebony said. Leaning forward, she drew a card from the deck and after giving it a quick look, tossed it onto the dungeon pile.

“Pass,” Avera said, leaning back further in the armchair.

“Pass,” Primrose rasped, smoke escaping her nostrils.

“I’ma have to pass,” I said as Primrose passed me the blunt. The flavor of black cherry and blueberries filled my mouth as I took a hit and held it in.

“Mother buckers,” Ebony grumbled. Her horn lit up and she dragged the dungeon pile over to her. Casting an eye over the few pieces of equipment she had left, she began flipping the cards over one by one, while muttering under her breath. “Timberwolf, the torch deals with that. Windigo, torch deals with that as well. The drag—mother bucker!” She slammed her hooves on the table and glared at each of us in turn. “Which one of you buckers put the dragon in here?!”

“Get rekt, scrub,” I said while exhaling a plume of smoke.

Ebony glared at me before closing her eyes and sighing. She picked up the cards again. “No, alright. It’s fine. I still have 3 health. I can do this. I can do this. I can do thi—why the buck is the wraith card here too!?”

“Oops,” Primrose snickered.

“Mother buckers,” Ebony groaned, collapsing onto the table.

“Welp, that’s the second time you’ve died,” Avera said. “You know what that means.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ebony said as she sat up again. “What do you guys want?”

“A large with green peppers, red onions, mushrooms, and anchovies,” Avera said quickly.

“A large with extra cheese and red onions, with pineapple on half,” I added. “Primrose and I are going to split it. Oh, and a small for Pyresteed.” A soft snore came from behind the couch, as if she knew she was being talked about.

Ebony nodded and placed her mug onto the table. “Alright. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Grabbing her saddlebags, she headed for the front door, calling back over her shoulder as she did so. “And nopony touches my cider!”

I watched her go for a moment before gathering up all the dissolved cards. Shuffling, I glanced around at the other two. “Sooo… next one out has to do a dessert run?”

“Works for me,” Primrose said.

Avera nodded. “I’m in.”

“Better hurry then,” I said, placing the cards down. “Sugarcube Corner closes in half an hour.”

Author's Note

For those of you who are wonder, yes, the game they are playing is indeed real. Go here. Play it. Screw over your friends. Enjoy.

https://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/150312/welcome-dungeon

Chapter 04: Splish Splash

It was the clinking of glass that woke me.

I say ‘woke’, but I didn’t really feel rested. My head was throbbing, my neck was stiff, and there was a bad taste in my mouth. A thick film of old alcohol covered my tongue and throat. Smacking my lips, I attempted to shift into a more comfortable position, only to wince as my cheek peeled off of whatever I had been sleeping on. Ugh, that’s disgusting…

Eyes still closed, I rolled over, expecting to find the soft comfort of bed sheets. Instead, I got a hard piece of wood to the face. Reeling backward, I clamped to my nose as pain lanced through it. “Mother fucker!”

The world spun as my head throbbed again. With stars flashing before my eyes, I rubbed my nose before glancing at my hand. I breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing my fingers come away clean. Despite the pain, at least I didn’t have to deal with a bloody nose as well. Rubbing my sore schnoz, I glanced around to see what I had hit.

Much to my confusion, I discovered that I wasn’t in bed as I had previously thought, but rather, I was strewn out on the second-floor balcony of the library. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that when I rolled over, I had smashed my nose into one of the wooden balusters. Several empty bottles of whiskey laid off to the side, so that explains the source of my headache.

The sound of clinking glass came again and this time I was able to determine that it was coming from below. Rolling carefully onto my side, I peered between the balusters and down into the library proper.

The place was trashed.

A dozen or so pizza boxes covered the table, a few of them still containing several slices of pizza. What looked like three decks of cards had been thrown about, a couple of them even stuck to the walls. Along with them, the pieces of the Hail to the FUNgeon game were discarded as well. Bottles of whiskey and cider lay scattered about the floor, all of them completely drained.

Ebony was passed out in the corner of the room, her head propped up on the keg she was cuddling. Primrose was asleep on the couch, a raspy snore escaping her lips every few seconds as she slumbered. And as for Avera… a quick glance upwards confirmed that she had taken refuge in her usual alcove in the wall, although she appeared to be upside down.

I studied the scene before me until the throbbing in my head grew worse. Wincing in pain, I leaned my face against the balusters, the cool wood feeling wonderful against my aching skull. As I rested though, the sound of clinking glass came again.

Cracking open an eye, I watched blearily as Pyresteed picked her way through the battlefield of bottles. Her bare feet were silent on the wooden floor, only making sound whenever she bumped into one of the bottles.

She worked her way around the room until she reached the stairs. I lost sight of her when she started to climb them, but then she reappeared beside me a moment later. Keeping my head pressed against the bannister, I turned to stare up at her.

“Alpha?” she cocked her head to the side inquisitively.

“Bathroom,” I croaked back.

She cocked her head to the side as she contemplated what I said before nodding. Wordless, she bent down and rolled me onto my back. I groaned at the movement and groaned again as she hooked her arms under my legs and back. She then proceeded to lift me bodily into the air with very little difficulty.

It came as a shock to everyone in the library when we discovered that, despite being a head smaller than me, Pyresteed was unbelievably strong. Like, strong enough to lift the couch that Ebony and I were sitting on in order to get the apple that had rolled underneath. Her lithe frame belied some serious muscles.

Holding me against her chest, she hauled my ass up another flight of stairs before we reached the bathroom. The jostling of her steps did not help my discomfort, and just as she was pushing open the door, the throbbing sensation moved from my head to my stomach.

“Put me down,” I mumbled. When she gave me a confused look, I began to struggle. “Put me down!” She did as instructed and I barely managed to get to the toilet before my stomach decided to purge everything.

“Alpha!” Pyresteed squeaked, alarm in her voice.

“Ah, fuck me,” I grunted before hurling again. “Okay, I’m feeling a little—hurk!” Again, I gave tribute to the porcelain goddess. After the third round, my stomach finally settled. Spitting into the toilet, I groaned again before flopping against the wall.

Pyresteed crept closer. “Alpha… live?”

“I’ll live,” I grunted. “I’m not happy about it, but I’ll live.” Holding my head in my hands, I groaned. “Fuck, that tasted nasty.”

“Alpha hurt, yes? Pyresteed help?”

Cracking an eye open, I stared up at her through a bloodshot eye. After a moment, I nodded gingerly. “Alright. Can you turn the water on for the bathtub?”

This caused her to perk up. “Bath?”

“Yeah, you know… the bathtu—”

“Bath!” Excitedly, Pyresteed turned and scampered over to the wooden tub in the corner. I heard her rummaging around before the loud gush of water filled the room. With it came a pleasant steamy aroma that hung in the air.

“Make sure it’s not too hot,” I called out to her, pressing my cheek against the cool toilet. There was a splash followed by a hiss of pain. A squeaking sound brought about more steam. “The blue one,” I said, my eyes closed. “The blue one, not the red one.”

“Oh…” More squeaking and the steam slowly began to disperse.

For the next few minutes passed slowly; me leaning against the toilet and Pyresteed splashing happily in the water as the tub filled up. I was so focused on getting my head to stop pounding that I didn’t even notice the water had ceased until a gentle pair of hands were picking me up again.

“Alpha, bath!” That was the only warning I got before Pyresteed dumped my ass into the full tub, clothes and all. Water cascaded over the rim and splashed down to the floor, soaking the bathmats in the process. I didn’t struggle, choosing just to lie there as my clothing now clung to my submerged form, enjoying the subtle warmth of the water.

“Good job,” I deadpanned.

“Bath!” Pyresteed knelt beside the tub. The front of her shirt was now soaked, the wet material clinging to her pale flesh. Dipping her arms into the water with me, she rested her chest against the rim.

Sighing, I laid my head back and closed my eyes. “Thank you, Pyresteed.”

“Pyresteed help?”

“Yes. Pyresteed helped.”

She let out a pleased sounding chirp before resuming her splashing.

As I laid there, soaking, a small smile touched my lips. The warmish water felt good and I could feel my headache slowly receding. I was no longer nauseous either if the grumbling in my stomach was anything to go by. Cheesy eggs and hashbrowns sounded amazing right now.

A soft crunching reached my ears and I huffed softly. “Pyresteed…” Cracking open my eye, I looked over at her.

“Hmmm?” She paused, glancing over at me innocently even as she had a half-eaten bar of soap between her lips. We stared at each other for a moment before she slowly continued snacking. Her blue eyes watched me curiously as she chewed, the bar disappearing into her mouth.

“Forget it…” I sighed.

Her response was to burp lightly, a small stream of bubbles spewing forth.

“That’s what I thought,” I mumbled, resting my head against the lip again. For several seconds I was silent, then I turned to look at her again. “Hey, can you get me a glass of water?”

Pyresteed froze in the process of grabbing another bar of soap. “Glass water?”

I nodded. “Yeah, a glass of water. From down in the kitchen?”

She was silent, her eyes darting back and forth, before she suddenly bolted to her feet. And just like that, she was gone in a flash, leaving behind a trail of water in her wake.

Closing my eyes, I went back to my relaxing. Head still resting on the lip, I placed my arms on the rim of the tub as well. My wet shirt clung to me, sending goosebumps down my arms as it chilled my skin. It felt really good against my heated flesh.

I dozed, floating in and out of consciousness for a few minutes until I heard the bathroom door creak open. A moment later, a cold something pressed against the back of my hand and it took my brain a second to realize it was a glass of water.

Reaching up, I grabbed the glass.

“Thanks, Pyrestee—” I began, only to freeze when I felt the familiar tingling feeling of magic. Opening my eye, I saw that the glass was surrounded by a rosy cloud of magic. A glance off to the side revealed the owner of said magic.

Twilight looked exasperated.

We stared at each other, neither saying anything. From downstairs, I could hear the clink-clink of bottles being picked up, and the telltale sound of a broom being used.

Twilight cleared her throat.

“Oh, you’re back…” I said lamely.

“Yes, I’m back,” Twilight said with a nod. There was a pause before she asked. “Do you mind telling me why the first thing I see when I get back is that the library has been completely trashed? Pizza boxes, bottles, and cards everywhere?”

“We, uh… we were having a game night last night,” I answered. “You know, food and games and a very good time?”

Twilight just continued to stare at me, her expression unchanged. “Game night, huh? Then, might I ask… why are there currently three ponies out there, all of whom are completely passed out?”

“It… it was quite the game night?”

“...”

“What?”

“You’re hungover again, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question; she damn well knew the answer.

Closing my eyes, I rubbed the bridge of my nose with a groan. I had been hoping that she’d get home later in the afternoon, but it would seem luck wasn’t with me this morning.

“So what if I had a few drinks last night?” I asked. “I didn’t do anything strenuous. Ebony went to go get the pizza and Avera went to get the cake from Sugarcube Corner. Nothing bad happened. Why is it such a big deal?”

Twilight gave me an incredulous look. “Why is it such a big deal? Because we’ve been home from only a couple of weeks, and you’ve been hungover for half of the mornings. It’s too much. Drinking on occasion is one thing, but you… you’ve been doing it so much more than you used to. It’s… it’s…” She paused and a sniffle escaped her. “Please. I’m… I’m starting to worry about you…”

Silence fell over the bathroom. From the half-open door, we could hear the faint noises coming from downstairs. By the sounds of it, the others had been stirred into wakefulness and were in a similar state to what I had been in earlier.

Another sniffle came from Twilight, and I sighed. Reaching over, I grabbed a hold of her foreleg and pulled. She offered little resistance as I heaved her into the bath with me. Water splashed over the edge again, but neither of us cared as she got comfortable on top of me. I waited until she was situated before wrapping my arms around her and holding her close, resting my head on hers. The smell of lavender filled my nose.

She hummed, nuzzling my neck as she breathed in deep.

Giving her a gentle squeeze, I murmured softly. “It’s going to be okay, Sparkle Butt. Everything… everything’s going to be okay…”

Chapter 05: Writer's Block

“So, did you find anything useful in the old castle?”

Twilight glanced up from the stack of returned books she was checking back in. There were quite a few; certainly more than usual, given that it was the summer and foals didn’t need them for their homework.

Placing her quill into the inkwell, she peered at me over a pair of black reading glasses. “What are you talking about?”

“You know…” I gestured vaguely from my position on the couch, my feet propped up on the cleared coffee table. “You originally went there to see if you could learn anything about that weird puzzle box, right? You stayed up all night, so… did you find out anything about it?”

“Oh.” She blinked before shaking her head and sighing. “Unfortunately, no. There didn’t seem to be anything about the box. I checked the entire library, but couldn’t find it mentioned in any of the old tomes. Although—” a smile touched her lips “—I did find some interesting stuff regardless.”

I perked up. “Oh? And what is that?”

“Just Celestia and Luna’s old diary.”

My eyes widened and I sat up, planting my feet on the ground. “No kidding? Please tell me there were some embarrassing entries in there!”

She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. It was mostly just things about the old castle from when they used to live in it. Stuff like the various secret passages and their favorite traps, such as the ‘Hall of Hooves’ and the ‘Organ to the Outside’. That sort of thing.”

I flopped back against the couch cushions. “Disappointment.”

“Oh, you,” Twilight giggled as she picked up the quill again. Her horn glowed as she continued sorting through the books.

“What?” I asked as I watched several books float through the air to slip themselves back on the proper shelves. “Is it so wrong to want some dirt on those two? Celestia especially. Just imagine how much fun it would be!”

“Oh goodness no,” Twilight said. “I’ve seen what happens when the princesses get into a prank war. I want no part of that.” Grabbing the next book, she opened it only to tsk. “Water damage? What did they do, take this into the bath with them?”

“What’s the story called?” I asked, unable to see from across the room.

“Uh…” There was a rustle of pages. “It’s called The Time Traveler’s Herd.”

“Well, there’s your problem,” I said, clasping my hands over my stomach. “It’s a cheesy romance. That’s not bathwater. It’s tears.”

“Oh don’t be ridiculous,” Twilight scoffed. “Now, who checked this out last?” More rustling as she flipped to the front of the book. “Let’s see… Cherry Berry? Ha!” She whipped her head to look up at me, a victorious smile on her face. “See, I told you! This is the third book she’s gotten wet. She reads… in the bath.”

I nodded slowly. “Okay… and those three books… what genre were they?”

Her smile faded. Horn lighting up, she pulled out her book damage records and began flipping through the pages. Upon finding the correct page, her eyes darted back and forth for a moment before her ears folded back against her head. “Romances,” she mumbled. “Cheesy romances.”

“Ha, told ya!” I said, parroting her previous tone. Placing my hands behind my head, I closed my eyes.

“This proves nothing!” Twilight insisted. “Cheesy romances are all she checks out!”

I opened my eyes. “Well, uh… what’s happening on the pages that have the damage?” There was a pause before the sound of turning pages reached my ears. I heard Twilight grumble something under her breath before a loud ‘thump’ came as she closed the book again.

“Well?” I asked.

“We aren’t talking about it,” she huffed. “Water damage is water damage. I’ll just have to add the amount to her account. Including this book’s damage, she owes us… twenty bits.”

“And how do you intend to get those bits?” I asked. “Do you need me to send Avera and Ebony out to collect?”

“Oh no,” Twilight said calmly. “I’ll just wait. She’ll pay up.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Really? How do you figure?”

“Well, judging by her previous checkouts, she’s in the middle of reading a series,” Twilight explained. “The next book came out recently, and we’re due to get it in some time next week. Aaand, she won’t be able to check it out until she pays, sooo…” She shrugs.

“Oooh,” I winced. “Cockblocked by the damage fee. Noice.” I paused and my brow furrowed. “Wait… can’t you, like… fix the book with a spell?”

“Yes, actually,” Twilight said. “There’s a simple spell I learned years ago that’ll remove all water damage without ruining the text.”

“So, if you can fix the book with a quick spell, no trouble… why do you charge ponies for damages?”

“To make a point,” Twilight explained. “When they realize they’ll have to pay for the damage done, they’ll be a little more careful with the books in the future.”

“And if they just stop coming to the library instead of paying?”

“That,” Twilight said with a large smirk, “is when we send in Avera and Ebony.”

“You can be scary sometimes, you know that?” I asked, giving her a look. A moment later, I smiled. “I like it.”

Laughing softly, Twilight returned to her work.

Silence fell over the library, broken occasionally by the scratch of a quill or the sound of a turning page. A steady stream of books zipped by overhead as they were returned to the shelves. I watched them float along, not really thinking about anything at the moment. Every so often a book would come close enough that I was able to swat at it, causing it to tumble through the air before correcting itself.

After the third book, they began avoiding my hand before bopping me on the head in passing.

When the eighth book thumped against my head, I reached up and ripped it out of the cloud of magic.

“Isn’t there something productive you could be doing?” Twilight asked.

“I am doing something productive,” I said.

Twilight rolled her eyes before pulling the book out of my hand. As it floated past me, she insisted. “I’m sure you can find something else to do.” Her eyes suddenly lit up. “How’s your writing going?”

“Writing?” I asked. “What writing?”

This earned me a glare. “That report you're supposed to be writing for Crimson Quill. On everything from when you arrived up until the Canterlot event?”

“Oh… that writing.” I chewed on my cheek. “It’s… going good.”

“Is it?” Twilight asked, in a disbelieving tone. “And how far have you gotten so far?”

“A couple…” I said slowly before trailing off.

Twilight pressed on. “A couple of what? A couple of months? A couple of major events?”

“A couple of pages,” I muttered, looking away. “I got to the part where I had just arrived in Ponyville.”

“Max!” Twilight gave me a shocked look. “That’s… you’re only that far?! You still have a year’s worth of events to write down! What have you been doing?!”

“Hey, it’s only been, like… a couple of weeks,” I shot back. “I can’t write the entire thing in one sitting!”

“You’ve been sitting around the library doing nothing for those weeks!” Twilight argued.

“Hey, it’s not my fault I can’t start writing just like that,” I said, snapping my fingers. “I have to be in the mood or else I just can’t concentrate. It’s like… like… like trying to read when someone is talking to you. You can’t focus on both things.”

“Well, nopony is talking right now,” Twilight said. Her horn lit up and she levitated some blank papers and a quill over to me. Placing a pillow on my lap, she laid a wooden board across it before spreading the papers out before me. “You can get some writing done while you’re just sitting there.”

“What part of ‘I need to be in the right mood’ didn’t you understand?” I asked, only for the quill to be deposited in my open hand.

“Nonsense,” Twilight scoffed. “Just start writing and you’ll get your groove going in no time. Remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect. You just have to get the ideas out on paper first. Crimson Quill will take care of the rest.”

I opened my mouth to argue, but a flash of Twilight’s horn rendered me speechless. No words came out and I closed my mouth a moment later, glaring at her. ~You know that doesn’t work when I can just use hoof language, right?~ I asked, going through the familiar motions.

“You’re wasting time arguing when you could be writing~~~!” Twilight called out in a sing-song voice, her face already buried back in her work.

I continued to glare at her for a moment before turning my burning gaze to the blank paper in front of me. The story was there, it had already happened. I knew that Crimson Quill—and through her, Celestia—were waiting for the so-called report, but I just didn’t know where to begin. I hadn’t been much of a writer back home—hell, I was more of a doodler than anything else—yet they all wanted me to write out the events that transpired after I arrived? Did I include everything? Every little detail? What I ate, what I smelled, what I heard? Or did they just want the general footnotes? On this day, I was in the fighting pit. On this day, I met Lyra. What did they consider important? What were they looking for?

Drumming my fingers on my leg, I stared at the blank paper, willing the words to come to me.

Nothing…

After about five minutes of glaring at the blank pages, I huffed in annoyance. Stupid Twilight. Where was I supposed to start? The last thing I remember writing about was how I peed on her rug my first night living with her. Hell, was I even supposed to put that part in there? And how was one supposed to continue off of that?

I froze and my gaze drifted up to Twilight. Staring at her for a few seconds, a shit-eating grin slowly spread across my face. Quill in hand, I placed the tip against the parchment and began to write.

“Um, Twilight? When was the last time ya got any sleep?”

“I’m telling you, Applejack, I’m not going crazy. I know what I saw!”

“I’m not sayin’ ya are, sugarcube. I’m just sayin’ that perhaps ya didn’t see what ya thought ya saw.”

This is better than daytime television…

“I’m telling you, Applejack, he did it right in front of me. Right in front of me! It was plain as day!”

“And I’m tellin’ ya, that’s impossible. There’s no way in Tartarus ya saw that!”

“And I’m telling you, for the last time, I know what I saw! I wouldn’t be here otherwise!”

Where’s a tub of over-buttered, over-cooked, over-priced popcorn when you need it?

“What are you snickering about over there?” Twilight asked, squinting at me suspiciously.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Twilight stared at me.

I stared back.

This continued for a moment before she looked away first to stare out the window. She then looked back.

I continued to stare.

“No.” Her violet eyes bore into my brown one.

I didn’t blink. “Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.” She looked away again to look out the window before her gaze returned. “No, no, definitely not.”

“Yes.”

“Absolutely not!”

“Absolutely yes.”

“No!” She looked away for a third time. “I mean, just look at it!”

I did so, only to shrug. “I don’t see the problem.”

“Don’t see the problem?!” Twilight’s voice was shrill. “The problem is there’s a bag of blood hanging from the kitchen window!” She stared at the blood-tomato planter box contraption in horror. “What’s even going on here?”

“An experiment,” I answered. “Granted, not the most well-thought-out experiment, but an experiment nonetheless.”

“An experiment?!” For a moment, she was speechless, but then she shook her head. “Oh no. No, no, no. Not happening. I’m taking this down immediately.” She stepped forward, her horn glowing, but before she could do anything, I laughed.

“I’ll just put it back up.”

Her head whipped around and she gave me an affronted look that would have made Rarity proud. “You most certainly will not!”

Leaning forward, I pressed my nose against hers. “Try me, bitch.”

“You don’t have the balls!”

“You know that toothpaste roll that you had that was almost empty for four months straight?”

That caused her to pause. “The one that claimed it was bottomless, but that was really just a marketing ploy, and the ‘bottomless’ aspect just meant they had more in the tube than the other brands?”

“That’s the one.”

“...what about it?”

“It was me.” I grinned. “I kept putting more toothpaste back in the tube.”

She gaped up at me. “Y-you… you monster!” Flaring her wings, she began buffeting me with them. “I told my friends that it really was bottomless! I told my family about it! I was so impressed with it I wrote to the company! How could you?!”

Cackling madly, I limped quickly out of the kitchen, Twilight hot on my heels.

Chapter 06: Thunderbolt and Lightning

I wasn’t sure what woke me up at first. It was still dark outside and the room was quiet; no sounds of movement to be heard. I hadn’t been dreaming—at least not that I could remember—so no nightmares to blame this time around, either. Rain was slapping against the window, but it wasn’t loud enough to have disturbed my slumber.

More asleep than awake, I continued to lay there, confused, trying to figure out what had forced me back into the waking realm. Then there was a flash of brilliant light through the window, followed by the world exploding.

KRAC-BOOOM!

The entire treebrary shook from the force of the thunder. Beside me, Twilight shifted, her wing pressing into my side. Lifting her head, she blinked sleepily as she looked around. “Wha…?” There came another peal of thunder and she groaned before flopping her head back down on the pillow. “Uuugh… why?”

“I thought rain wasn’t on the schedule until next week,” I murmured, throwing an arm over my eyes.

“It wasn’t supposed to come until next week,” Twilight mumbled back.

“Did somebody fuck up?”

“No, it’s probably just a rogue storm from the Everfree. The weather team will most likely deal with it in the morning after its had some time to blow itself out.” Rain lashed against the windows hard as the wind suddenly picked up. The outer limbs of the library’s branches groaned as they swayed and shifted in the gale.

“Is… that something we should be worried about?” I asked, not opening my eyes.

Twilight hummed for a moment before asking. “Are all the windows closed downstairs?”

I thought about it for a moment before nodding, my arm still across my face. “Yes. Yes, they are.” Beside me, Twilight shifted about until she was facing me.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Like, one hundred percent sure?”

“Positive. Avera and I closed all of them earlier because the mosquitos were coming in and there’s only one blood-drinker allowed in this library.”

“Then we’ll be fine,” she yawned. “The library has enchantments in place for such a thing. We might lose a few smaller branches, but the main ones won’t be affected.” I felt her wiggle about before a sudden weight settled on my chest. Cracking open my eye, I peered down to find that she had placed her head on my chest. I smiled before laying my own head back down on my pillow.

We both lay there for a while, listening to the rain outside as we dozed. Every so often, Twilight or I would start to fall asleep again, only for a loud clap of thunder to jerk us awake again. During that time, Twilight had snuggled closer, her wing now lying across my stomach. Almost unconsciously, I ran my fingers gently over the feathers.

“That feels nice,” she murmured, her words slurred and barely audible. “Do that s’more.”

Without opening my eyes, I ran my fingertips over the edges of her primaries, the tiny barbs of the vane shifting beneath my touch. I played with them for a moment before wiggling my fingers down into the downy feathers near the base of the wings. As I did so, a strange sound reached my ears, just barely audible over the sound of the rain. It took me a moment to realize that it was coming from Twilight, and it sounded almost like…

“Are… are you purring?” I muttered.

“Nuh,” came the muffled reply as she buried her head further into my shirt.

“What are you, a fucking cat?”

“No talking, just rubbing.”

“Whatever,” I grunted, although the corners of my mouth twitched upwards. “Fucking cat pone.” Giving her wing one last scratch, I rested my hand on top of her feathers. After that, I shifted slightly, trying to find a position that was comfortable for both of us. There was some protest from Twilight as I moved, but it quickly changed to a hum of happiness when I draped my other arm about her shoulders.

Both now comfortable, we were starting to drift off again when another explosion of thunder rocked the entire tree again, this time followed by the sound of splitting wood as several of the smaller branches came loose.

“Shit,” I huffed.

“Deal with it tomorrow,” Twilight grumbled back.

Before I could answer, there came the sound of scrambling outside the bedroom door before it flew open and Pyresteed tumbled inside. She struggled for a moment to get to her feet, and when she did, she danced about anxiously, a panicked look on her face.

Pushing myself up onto my elbows—much to Twilight’s displeasure—I stared down at the twitching human. “Pyresteed, what…?”

“Alpha,” she whimpered. “Alpha. Outside. Not well. Strange. Help.” Unable to communicate with her words, she flapped her hands and stamped her feet, letting out distressed noises as she did so.

“What’s going on?” Twilight asked. She blinked her eyes, trying to focus.

Pyresteed let out another pitiable whine. “Alpha, help!”

“Pyresteed, calm down,” I called down to her. “It’s just a little rain. It can’t even get you in here.”

“Alpha, no!” She was louder than before, her pacing more frantic. “Alpha, help! Strange, outside, noise, help!”

“What is she doing?” Twilight asked, leaning over my shoulder to peer down at the anxious human.

“Pyresteed, come on. Relax. You’re fine,” I said a little louder, trying to get through to her. “You’re safe here.”

“No.” She stamped her foot in time with her cries. “No, no, no, no, no!”

“This is getting ridiculous,” Twilight grumbled. “It’s just a storm.”

“Pyresteed, you need to calm down. Everything’s fine.”

“No. Alpha, help. Strange. Pain. Help!”

“It’s bad enough the thunder’s keeping us up, now we have her too?”

“I can’t help you if you don’t calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”

“Help. No. Noise. Strange. Hurts. Pain. Help!”

“What’s she freaking out about? We’ve had rainstorms before. Why is this one any different?”

“I don’t fucking know. Pyresteed, what are you—”

A series of flashes illuminated the room followed swiftly by the crash of thunder. The rumbling continued for several long seconds, in which Pyresteed clasped her head, her eyes screwed shut tight. Falling to her knees, she screamed out. “Loud noise hurts! It hurts! Make stop! Please stop!”

Another bolt of lightning forked across the sky, and in its light I glimpsed Pyresteed’s hair. The normal chaotic tangle was even worse than usual. Not only that, but small sparks of blue and green and purple danced across the strands. At first, I thought it was static build-up, but then it dawned on me.

“It’s the storm,” I breathed, eyes wide. “Twilight, it’s the storm!”

She gave me a weird look. “What? It can’t be. We’ve had thunderstorms before and she’s never reacted like this before.”

“Not ones from the Everfree,” I countered.

Twilight opened her mouth only to pause, an unsure look on her face. “Can… can it really make that much of a difference?”

“Just look at her hair,” I said, pointing down at Pyresteed, who was now rocking back and forth in a crouched position. “That doesn’t look like normal static electricity, does it?”

Eyes narrowing, Twilight leaned over the edge of the bed and peered downwards. She was still a moment before falling back with a sigh. “I can’t be sure, but from this distance, that does look like magic build-up.”

“Is… is it dangerous?”

“At this amount? No,” Twilight said with a shake of her head. “It’d take days or even weeks of constant build-up for her to reach dangerous levels. Given how she’s reacting though, it’s probably uncomfortable.”

From down below, Pyresteed let out another whimper.

“So, what should we do about this?” I asked.

Twilight stared at me for a moment—her eyes dropping and bloodshot—before she closed them and exhaled through her nose. A moment later her horn lit up and, with a yelp, Pyresteed was lifted into the air.

“...too tired to deal with this right now,” Twilight grumbled. Levitating Pyresteed up, she deposited her unceremoniously into the bed, dumping her down on the other side of me. As she landed, Pyresteed tumbled into me. The moment she touched me, I was hit with a static shock that oddly filled my mouth with the faint taste of metal and cotton candy.

Almost immediately, Pyresteed grew calmer.

“Uuuh…” I said intelligently.

“If she stays in close proximity to us, the magic should dissipate naturally and ease any discomfort,” Twilight huffed. Leaning around me, she pressed her nose against Pyresteed’s. “You can sleep in our bed for just tonight, and tonight only. Got it? Oh, and just a friendly reminder… he’s mine.”

Pyresteed blinked at her before giving a tentative nod.

“Good.” Pulling back, Twilight pushed me back down into a lying position before returning her head to my chest and placing a wing possessively across my stomach.

Pyresteed watched her curiously for a moment before burying herself under the covers. A mound under the sheets shifted about as she got comfortable, and I felt her back pressed up against my leg.

“Alpha…” she muttered sleepily.

Twilight huffed before trying to scoot closer to me, which would be impossible unless she laid on top of me.

“What are you doing?” I asked her, fighting back a yawn.

“Getting comfortable,” she replied. “This is a two-pony bed, so a third individual makes it kind of cramped.” She was right, of course. With Pyresteed under the sheets as well, Twilight was practically against the wall, and if I moved over a few inches, Pyresteed would fall off the edge.

I considered her words for a moment. As I did so, there came another flash of lightning and a peal of thunder. Under the covers, Pyresteed flinched back against my leg.

“We’ll be fine,” I told Twilight. “It’s just for tonight.”

“Maybe,” Twilight grumbled. “This is your fault, by the way,” she added tiredly. “She’s technically your responsibility.”

“Practically all of the ponies in this library are my responsibility,” I mumbled.

“And?” Twilight yawned. “The point stands. You don’t see anypony I’m responsible for trying to get in our bed—”

“Twilight?”

At the trembling voice, we both glanced at the door. Spike was peering nervously around the doorway, a blanket clutched in his claws.

“Spike, what are you doing awake?” Twilight asked.

“I, uh… I heard the thunder,” the young dragon said. “And, well… I’m not scared or anything, but I… I figured I’d come and see if you needed me to sleep with you. Just in case, you know… you were scared?” He gave us a hopeful grin even as he wrung the blanket in his claws. “So, uh… can I sleep with you guys tonight?”

Rolling my head around, I smirked up at Twilight. She refused to look at me, her cheeks puffing out as a light blush touched them. After a moment, she sighed.

“Okay, Spike, you can sleep with us tonight,” she said softly.

His eyes lit up and he quickly scampered across the room and up to the loft. With nimble dexterity I’d never known he had, he jumped into the bed. “Thanks, Twilight. You’re the best! Not that I’m, you know, scared or anything.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I snickered. “Just get comfortable, dude. We all need to sleep.”

Saluting, Spike careful moved between Twilight and the wall before digging his way under the covers. There was some shifting about before we heard him gasp. “H-hey! What are you doing here?”

There followed a small chirp. “Sleep. Alpha help no hurt.”

“I, uh…. I wasn’t going to hurt you?”

“No, tiny one no hurt. Storm hurt.”

“...what?”

Twilight groaned as the two of them continued their back and forth, their voices muffled from beneath the sheets. “This was a bad idea.”

“Bets on how much sleep we’re going to get tonight?” I whispered back.

“Probably very little.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.” I was silent for a moment before chuckling humorlessly. “I swear, it’s like living with two fucking foals.”

Twilight inhaled sharply, her body stiffening against mine. Barely able to keep my eyes open, I lifted my head with great effort in order to look at her. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing,” she said a little too quickly. “It’s nothing. I just… I was just… I was… fighting back a yawn and Pyresteed happened to shock me at the same time. Yeah, that’s it. Really tired!”

I stared at her for a moment—in which she gave me a weak smile—before my head fell back against my pillow. “Whatever. Too tired. Sleep.”

“Y-yeah, good idea,” Twilight said. “We both need some more sleep. You especially, with your constant nightmares.”

I huffed but said nothing. Closing my eyes, I tried to fall back into the sweet embrace of slumber, but the muffled conversation coming from under the blankets was preventing that. After a minute in which it didn’t seem the pair was going to be stopping any time soon, I finally spoke up. “First one to fall asleep gets to pick what we have for breakfast tomorrow.”

All sound immediately ceased saved for the sound of rain outside.

“That’s what I thought,” I mumbled.

Settling back down, the four of us slowly drifted back off to sleep, the storm outside continuing to rage, yet not sounding as fierce as it did a few minutes ago.

Chapter 07: Grooming and Your Human

“Hey, I need your help.”

Twilight looked up from the newspaper she was reading. Seated on a bean bag chair she had dragged out onto the balcony, she had a perfect view of the bustling marketplace below as ponies went about with their morning chores. Water dripped from the leaves of the library, and the smell of petrichor hung sweetly in the air. Far above, the weather team was taking care of the last lingering remains of last night’s storm.

“Help with what, exactly?” she asked, folding up the newspaper to save her place in the article she was reading.

Wordlessly, I proffered up a cup of steaming coffee.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t drink coffee, and when I was in the kitchen earlier there wasn’t any left, which means you brewed a pot just for me, which means that… is a bribe.” Taking it in her magic, she glared at me. “What do you want?”

I held up a pair of scissors. “It’s getting a bit too warm for my liking, and I can’t reach.”

Blinking in surprise, she stared at me for a moment before she smiled and nodded her head. “Alright then. Come over here.” She motioned for me to sit in front of her even as her magic took the scissors from my hand.

Limping around her, I carefully sat down against her bean bag chair, being mindful of my sore leg. I folded my good leg under it, keeping the bad one straight. It took some adjusting to find a position where I’d be comfortable enough for a good while.

As I got situated, Twilight sipped her coffee. “You know, you didn’t need to bribe me to do this.”

“But I didn’t not have to either,” I said. The familiar chime of magic came from behind me, and I felt a tug on my ponytail as it was undone. My hair fell about my shoulders, tickling my neck and generally sitting heavily upon my head. Several small tendrils of rosy magic ran through my hair as Twilight worked out the knots.

“I haven’t done this in a while,” she warned.

“It’ll be fine. I’m not worried,” I said. Closing my eyes, I focused on the feeling of her magic rubbing at my scalp. The sensation sent shivers down my spine and goosebumps erupted across my arms and back. “Oh, that’s good.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Twilight huffed, but I could hear the trace of humor in her voice. She ran her magic through my hair a couple of more times before she lifted several strands of it into the air. “Do you have a preference for length?”

“I was thinking about two or three inches in length,” I hummed. “Give or take. Something just long enough to style if I want, but short enough that the bedhead isn’t horrendous.”

Twilight paused in her ministrations. “Wait, really? That short? Are you sure?”

“Positive.” I nodded, only to wince as my hair was pulled. “I want it nice and short before the summer heat gets here.”

“Alright,” Twilight said. She sounded a little hesitant but still got to work. Using her magic to straighten out my hair, she began snip-snip-snipping away. Strands of dirty blonde hair fell from about my shoulders, only to be caught in a rosy cloud of magic that was waiting for it below.

At first, I didn’t really feel any difference, but as more and more hair began to accumulate in the bubble, my head started to feel a little bit lighter. I could actually feel the breeze reaching parts of my scalp that it couldn’t previously.

Twilight hummed softly to herself as she worked, her song interrupted occasionally by a sip from her coffee. She was very careful with her task, wielding the scissors with almost inhuman precision. Now, that didn’t mean that the haircut would be perfect; just that all the cuts would be uniform and even. It might end up looking shagged, but it would be an even-looking shagged.

As the minutes passed, Twilight slowly worked her way around my head, gingerly using her magic to turn me to face the needed direction. Luckily for me, no matter what direction she pushed me in, I was able to see the marketplace which gave me something to watch while Twilight snip-snipped.

The weather team had finished up with cloud removal and were beginning to disperse. A rainbow streak disappearing into the distance caught my eye, and I smirked. Always on the move. As the last remnants of the prismatic trail began to disappear, I felt a tug on the top of my head.

“Down, please,” Twilight said.

Not fighting against the force, I flopped backward onto the bean bag chair, my head landing in Twilight’s lap. I stared up at her upside-down, smiling face. “There. That’s better,” she said before leaning down and kissing my forehead. “Now, hold still, please. I just have to do your bangs.”

She started to lean back again but stopped when I reached up and grabbed the back of her head. Pulling her down again, I planted my own kiss on the tip of her nose. A squeak escaped her and a soft blush touched her cheeks. For a moment she just stared at me, but then she cleared her throat.

“Please don’t distract the stylist,” she said in a huff. Placing a hoof on my head, she pushed it back into her lap. I blew a raspberry at her, and she responded in kind before her magic surrounded my bangs.

“Uh, c-careful of the eye, please,” I said nervously as the scissors came into view.

Twilight paused and her horn grew a little brighter. A visor of pink magic suddenly spread across my face, covering both my eyes.

“There you go,” she chirped before starting her work. Just like before, the cut strands were collected in the bubble with the rest of the excess.

“So, what are you going to do with all that?” I asked as I eyed the mass of cut hair.

The scissors paused as Twilight hummed. “You know, I’m not sure. On one hoof, it’d be easy to just throw it away, but on the other hoof, there are various uses for it.”

“Like what?”

“Well,” Twilight said as she began cutting again. “There’s wig making, but I don’t think you’d be up for that. Same with turning it into clothing.”

“That’d be a little too itchy… and creepy.”

“Well, there are ponies that use hair clippings to help grow food, weave the hair into mats that help protect the roots from weather and bugs.”

“A little less creepy… but still creepy nonetheless.”

“It could also be used for nesting material. Birds and mice would love some soft material to line their nests with. We could offer it to Fluttershy.”

I thought about it for a moment before sighing. “Eh, I don’t really care. Do whatever you want with it. Offer it to Fluttershy, and if she doesn’t want it, just throw it away I guess.”

“Alright,” Twilight said with a nod. “Next time I see her, I’ll ask if she could use it.” She gave a few more snips before placing her hooves on the side of my face and turning it left and right. “I think that’s all of it. Hold on one second, please.” Her horn flashed and what felt like dozens of tendrils slithered from my forehead, across my head, and down the back of my neck. “Yup! That should do it! Not so bad, if I do say so myself.”

Sitting up, I ran a hand through my shorter hair. “Oh my god. It’s so much lighter!” I mussed it up some more, enjoying the feel. Almost immediately, I realized something was missing. “It’s going to be so weird to not have to brush my hair out of my eye every few minutes.”

“This is going to take some getting used to,” Twilight admitted as she eyed me. “I’m going to be double-taking every time you walk by for at least a week.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “I’m gonna end up scaring myself in the morning when I go to take a piss.” Playing with my hair some more, I pulled my hands away to find them covered in little bits of loose hair. “Ah shit. I hate when this happens.”

“Strange, I thought I got all of them,” Twilight said with a frown.

“That’s the way it is,” I huffed. “No matter how much you try and stop it, you’ll always have leftover excess. Should probably take a shower anyway. Get the stink off me and wash the loose hair out.” Rubbing my head, I watched as small hairs showered down only to be lost in the breeze. “God, this feels so weird.”

“Well, while you’re taking a shower, I’m going to go find a place to put this—” she gestured towards the bubble of hair “—until I get a chance to talk with Fluttershy.” Climbing off her bean bag, Twilight tucked the newspaper under her wing, grabbed her coffee, and headed back into the library.

“Oh, and don’t take too long in the shower,” she called back over her shoulder. “I need to take one too and don’t need you using up all the hot water again. It’s bad enough there’s six of us living here now.”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks again for the haircut!” I called after her. Still running my hands through my significantly shorter hair— “Oh my god, this is so fucking weird!” —I followed after her, descending the stairs and making my way to the bathroom. Upon looking in the mirror, the situation got even stranger.

“Oh my god. Look at you,” I muttered under my breath. My head looked enormous! I could actually see my ears and forehead again, what with my hair no longer hiding them. For once, my beard was actually longer than the hair on top of my head.

Actually…

Stroking my beard, I contemplated its length. “You’re getting a little long too, aren’t ya?” It was long enough to reach my collar bone if I tugged on it. The coloration was the same as the rest of my hair—dirty blonde streaks running through the chocolate brown base. Leaning closer to the mirror, I noted that several places around my mouth were patchy, the hairline broken by tiny scars. “Interesting…”

I studied myself in the mirror for a few more seconds before leaning back with a sigh. “You’re one ugly motherfucker, you know that?” Smirking at my reflection, I gave myself one last look over before turning on the shower.

I stripped down as the water heated up. A quick glance showed that the various scars I had accumulated over the past year were still there. The most noticeable one would have to still be the scar that ran across my face, over my nose, and to my right eye, which was milky white and useless. Then came all the scars I got during the human fight pit: one on my palm and a large one across my chest, both from bladed weapons. A quick check of my back in the mirror revealed that the claw marks from the manticores were still there too, although they appeared more faded than my other scars.

All-in-all, a rather morbid collection of memorabilia that made me question how I was still alive.

“You’re one ugly motherfucker,” I muttered to myself.

By now the bathroom was filling up with steam, the shower having gotten plenty hot. Adjusting the temperature so that I didn’t burn myself, I slipped beneath the water with a happy groan. I just stood there for a few minutes, allowing the water to wash through my freshly cut hair and down over my body.

Reluctantly, I pulled myself out from beneath the stream. Glancing around at the various options presented to me, I eventually decided upon a cinnamon-scented shampoo that was positioned in the back of the soap basket. Squeezing a large glob into my hand, I lathered it up before running my fingers through my hair and into my scalp.

As I washed, I found myself lost in thought. Despite my best efforts, my mind kept going back to the various events that earned me my scars. A year didn’t seem like a long time, but somehow I managed to get in a lot more trouble than one could assume was possible in that timeframe. Sticking my head back under the water to rinse the shampoo out, I hummed softly. Hopefully this coming year is a lot less eventfu—

fluuush

“GAH!” I yelped in pain as the sound of the toilet flushing was accompanied by a sudden burst of scalding hot water cascading down upon me. Scrabbling about blindly with shampoo in my eye, I pressed myself against the wall in an attempt to escape the searing water. “What the fuck!?”

“I told you not to use up all the hot water!”

“You bitch!”

Author's Note

Just a heads up; there may not be a chapter next week.

Chapter 08: (Daring) Don't You Worry About Me

“So, remind me what this is for again?”

“It’s a holiday party,” Avera answered. She was propped up on the armrest of the couch, a foreleg holding her head up. The bored expression on her face contrasted with the festive party hat that rested on her head at an angle.

“Yes, but what holiday exactly?” I asked, turning my own party hat around in my hands. It was made from purple paper and had small pink starbursts across its surface. Pinkie had thrust it upon me the moment she had pranced through the door a few minutes ago, without so much as a word for what it was for.

“Buck if I know,” Avera grunted. She yawned, her six fangs flashing in the light before she smacked her lips. “It’d be great if there was some sugary food though. I need a serious pick-me-up.”

“Go make some coffee,” I said, not glancing up.

“I can’t,” came the reply.

Lowering the hat, I gave her a confused look. “What? Why can’t you? I know we have coffee. I made some for Twilight earlier.”

“Because it’s too far awaaay!” Avera whined, waving her forehooves weakly towards the kitchen archway.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, suck it up, you big baby.” Returning my attention to the hat, I gave it one last look over before shrugging and placing it down on the coffee table. Picking up the glass of orange juice I had set down there earlier, I made to sit down on the couch as well, only for a knock at the door to stop me.

“Max, can you get that, please? My hooves are a little preoccupied,” Twilight called from the kitchen, her words followed by a giggle from Pinkie.

“On it,” I sighed. Stepping around the coffee table, I shuffled to the door, orange juice still in hand. I took a swig from it before grabbing the handle.

As the door swung open, there came a startled gasp from the other side.

“Oh, darling. My goodness. Your… your hair!”

Glancing down, I cocked an eyebrow at the three mares that were standing there. Rarity had a hoof to her muzzle and Applejack had a stunned look on her face. The only one that didn’t seem affected by my change in appearance was Fluttershy, who just smiled shyly.

“What about it?” I asked, running my free hand through my now-short hair. Three pairs of ears twitched as I spoke, and Fluttershy’s smile grew a tiny bit.

“You… you cut it,” Rarity stammered. “Why in the world did you cut it? Maybe a little trim up, sure, but to get rid of most of your hair... What on Equus possessed you to do that?”

“Because it was getting too long and I wanted it shorter before the weather got warmer?” I offered, giving her a confused look. Upon glancing at the other two, I noted they were staring as well. “Why does it matter? It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”

“That may be, darling, but now it makes your facial scar stand out even more,” Rarity said, having finally composed herself again. “While shorter hair certainly makes you look more mature, along with the scar it also makes you look more… rougher, as it were. A good balance of the two would have worked perfectly, but no, you just lopped it all off instead. Like some barbarian! And you didn’t even touch your beard, which probably needed it more!”

I stared at her for a moment before rolling my eyes and stepping to the side. “Good to see you too, Rarity. Now get your flanks in here.”

“Thank you, darling,” she said as she trotted past.

“Why, thanks, sugar cube,” Applejack said as she followed Rarity inside. “Good tah see you’re doin’ alright. Haven’t seen much of ya lately, what with ya bein’ all cooped up in the library all day.” She paused while wiping her hooves off on the welcome mat. “And that’s a mighty weird accent you’ve got there, if ya don’t mind me sayin’.”

My face scrunched. “I don’t have an accent…”

“Oh goodness, yes,” Fluttershy said softly as she fluttered inside. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but the way you roll your ‘r’s, it reminds me of a kitten purring.”

“I don’t roll my ‘r’s.”

“Partner, you’re doin’ it right now.”

I studied both of them for a moment before turning my head and calling back into the library. “Oi! Twilight! C’mere!”

“What?” She poked her head out of the kitchen. “Is something wrong? What do you need?”

“Tell these two that I don’t roll my ‘r’s,” I said, gesturing towards Fluttershy and Applejack. By now, Rarity had moved further into the library and was hanging up streamers that she had pulled from her saddlebags.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight asked with a frown.

“See?” I said, turning smugly back to the pair. “I don’t roll my—”

“Of course you roll your ‘r’s,” Twilight continued as though it was painfully obvious. “You do it regardless of whether the ‘r’ is at the start of the word, in the middle, or at the end. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how you hit some of those middle ones.”

I gaped at her. “What are you talking about… no, just no. No. No, no, no. I do not roll my ‘r’s. I don’t know what you all smoked before you came over, but no. Just no. That doesn’t happen. Hell no. I’ve got a Michigander accent. It’s a lazy accent. That means that our ‘t’s sound like ‘d’s, we mash certain words together in a slurred abomination to save time, and we clip all of our hard consonants in a glottal stop. There is absolutely no ‘r’ rolling involved at all. Period.”

Twilight stared blankly at me. “Say ‘carpentry’.”

“Carpentry.”

“Now say ‘beggar’.”

“Beggar.”

“And ‘the royal regicide relay was rescheduled’.”

“The royal regicide relay was rescheduled.”

“Okay. Now say ‘tachyarrhythmia’.”

“Tacky-whatchamajigger.”

“Good. Now say ‘hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia’.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“You roll your ‘r’s,” Twilight said before ducking back into the kitchen.

I glared at where she had been a moment ago before muttering under my breath. “Roll my fucking ‘r’s. Bullshit. I’ll roll your fucking ‘r’ across the fucking floor. Don’t think I won’t.” Still grumbling, I went to shut the door only to pause. Sticking my head outside, I glanced around before looking back at the new arrivals. “Hey, where’s the prismatic one?”

“Ah invited her, but she was a little too busy reading,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes.

“If you don’t know, just say so,” I huffed, shutting the door. Draining the last of my orange juice, I limped across the room. There was a soft gasp and then Fluttershy was by my side in a flutter of wings.

“Oh no, is your leg still bothering you?” she asked. “I-if you want, I can fly back to my cottage and grab some medicine that should help with the pain.”

“No, it’s fine,” I said quickly. “It doesn’t hurt. It’s just a little stiff. I’ll be fine, thank you.” Scratching behind her ear, I moved around her and flopped down next to Avera again.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Fluttershy said hesitantly. She gave me a critical look before moving off to help the others with the decorations.

For the next half hour or so, Avera and I watched as the library was slowly transformed into a more festive atmosphere. Yellow and green streamers were hung from the ceiling and shelves, their spiral shape causing them to twist and turn in the gentle breeze that blew in through the open windows. Balloons of various colors and shapes were inflated, and most of them were tied down on several pieces of furniture, but a handful of them were allowed to wander wherever the breeze took them. That attracted Pyresteed’s attention from the upstairs, and soon she was excitedly chasing the free balloons around the library.

Partway through, Ebony wandered up from the basement and took up residence on the couch as well, watching Pyresteed as she raced around the perimeter of the room after a pair of blue and green balloons (which may or may not have had a blue aura of magic around them). When I asked her where Primrose was, she just shrugged. “Sleeping.”

The decorating complete, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy chatted happily together while also decking themselves out in stylish headgear. Rarity had a pink tiara made up of hearts, while Fluttershy had a purple top hat covered in cyan flowers, and lastly, Applejack had traded her plain, brown stetson hat for a large red one with white apples on it.

Now properly dressed, Rarity started up some party music on an old gramophone in the corner, and before long the three of them were dancing.

“Should we join them?” Ebony asked quietly as she started to get up.

“I ain’t getting up,” Avera muttered, sinking even further back into the couch.

I nodded. “My leg tells me no, and I’m inclined to listen to it.”

“Oh.” Ebony settled back down again. “Okay then.”

Eventually Twilight and Pinkie emerged from the kitchen, carrying with them cakes, cupcakes, cookies, and a large bowl of punch, which they placed down on the central table in the middle of the room. Rarity and Fluttershy moved to join them, but Applejack kept on dancing.

The sight of the food perked Avera up. “Oh, sweet mama, yes.”

“Alright, everypony!” Pinkie cheered as she pronked around the food table, her purple and gold fez bouncing with her. “The treats are ready, the punch is made, and you know what that means!”

“It’s time to eat?” Avera asked eagerly.

“It’s time to tell Max what holiday this is?” I called out.

“It’s time to party?” Ebony offered after rolling her eyes at the two of us.

“It’s time to party!” Pinkie cheered before sticking a yellow party horn in her mouth. Just as she went to blow it though, the front door burst open and in walked the walking gay pride parade.

“Heya, Twilight! Aren’t you excited that—” Her words were interrupted as Pinkie blew the party horn right in her face. Startled, Rainbow took several steps back, her eyes wide. “What the…?!”

“So glad you’ve finally made it!” Twilight said as she levitated a glass of punch over to herself. Her horn was hidden under her white party hat, so the magic made it glow like a lantern. I snickered before casting a sideways glance at Ebony.

“Don’t even think about it,” she said.

Eyeing the still dancing Applejack, Rainbow hesitantly stepped further into the library. “What’s… everypony doing here?”

“We’re having a holiday party!” Pinkie said loudly before blowing the party horn into Rainbow’s face again. Confetti exploded out of it, showering the prismatic pegasus in bits of colored paper.

Brushing the paper from her mane, Rainbow gave her an unconvinced look. “Sooo... what holiday would today be?”

“Thank you!” I cried from the couch, throwing my arms into the air and earning myself a confused look from Rainbow. “Someone else finally asked.”

“National Random Holiday Party Day! Woo-hoo!” Pinkie Pie cheered, leaping up onto her hind legs.

“I’ve never heard of it either,” Rarity said as she walked up to Rainbow. She took a sip of her drink before adding, “But the punch is quite tasty.”

Pinkie grabbed Rainbow and pulled her close. “You might say the secret ingredient is…” She peered around quickly before leaning in and whispering loudly in Rainbow’s ear. “A secret!” Smiling widely, she released Rainbow before bouncing off.

“Hey, Ebony,” Avera muttered out of the corner of her mouth. “I’m thirsty. Can you snag me some of that punch?”

“Two, please,” I added, holding up two fingers.

She gave us a bemused look. “What? Why can’t you get up and get yourselves some?”

“Because the big guy is injured and I’m lazy,” Avera answered.

“Unbelievable,” Ebony grumbled, but her horn lit up and soon all three of us were sipping away at some punch. It had a fruity taste to it—an odd blend of pineapple and blueberries. There was also a hint of spice to it, but I had no clue where that came from.

“Wait? You guys are having a party?” Rainbow asked, her ears splaying back. “How come nopony bothered to invite me?”

Applejack paused in her dancing and gave her a deadpan look. “Ah came tah invite ya personally, but it seems ya were a speck too busy readin’ the last Darin’ Do book for the twelfth time.”

Rainbow smirked as she grabbed a drink from the tray that Twilight offered to her, “Yeah, well, in three months and twenty-six days, I’ll be able to read the next one.” She went to go take a sip, only to do a spit-take at Twilight’s next words.

“Oh, haven’t you heard? The release of the next book got pushed another two months.”

“Two more months?!” Rainbow gasped, staring at Twilight aghast. “I’ve been waiting so long already! I don’t think I can take another two months! I’ll never make it!” Her legs trembled for a moment before she collapsed to the floor.

Walking up to Rainbow, Fluttershy rubbed her back. “Yeah. I can vouch for that…”

“Drama queen,” Avera muttered into her cup.

“I didn’t even know she was a reader,” Ebony said into her cup.

Looking up, Rainbow gave Twilight a hurt look. “Did they give a reason?”

Twilight shrugged. “The publisher just said author A.K. Yearling won’t be able to finish the book for another two months.” She paused for a moment before smiling. Her hat lit up again and she levitated up a tray of sweets. “Cupcakes?”

Leaning over, Avera muttered under her breath. “Hey, uh… Ebony?”

“Already on it,” Ebony sighed, her horn glowing.

Growling, Rainbow got to her hooves and glared at Twilight. “How could you possibly know that before me? I’m the series’ biggest fan!”

“I’m just as big a fan as you!” Twilight defended, unaware that the cupcake tray had left her magic and was now floating over to the couch. “In fact,” she continued, placing a hoof against her chest, “I’m the one who first introduced you to the books, remember?”

“Oh, right,” Rainbow said, grinning sheepishly.

Twilight smiled. “A.K. Yearling just might be my favorite author. I know everything about her. Where she grew up, where she studied literature, where she wrote the first Daring Do book.”

“If that’s the case, why don’t you go bug her about why she’s not writing then?” I called out from around a mouthful of cream cheese frosting. “Why let me have all the fun?”

Twilight stuck her tongue out at me, but Rainbow’s eyes lit up. “That’s it! That’s a perfect idea!”

“Wait, what?” Twilight asked.

“Don’t you get it?” Rainbow asked. “The new book is obviously delayed because she needs help dealing with whatever everyday nonsense is distracting her from spending her every living, breathing second writing!” She stamped her hoof for emphasis. “So I… I mean, fans like me, can get to read the new Book ASAP!”

Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Think about it!” Rainbow pressed. “We could help her with her laundry, buy her groceries, cooking her meals, whatever! Now, who wouldn’t appreciate that?”

“You don’t do that for yourself!” I called from the back, earning a snicker from Avera.

“I don’t know,” Twilight said slowly, tapping her chin with a hoof. “What she probably wants most of all is respect for her privacy.”

“She could always just say no,” Rainbow shot back, throwing a wing over Twilight’s shoulder. A glance around the room showed the others were nodding their heads in agreement, smiles on their faces.

“Mmh… I suppose you’re right…” Twilight said hesitantly. Chewing on her lip, she glanced over at the couch, her eyes landing on me. It took me a second to realize what she was reluctant about.

“Don’t worry about me,” I said, raising up the punch glass. “We can hold the fort down while you’re gone. Besides, if you don’t at least attempt this, I think Rainbow might explode.”

Twilight glanced at the quivering mass that was Rainbow Dash before looking back at me. She mulled it over for a moment before sighing. “Alright, fine. We can go see if she’d like any help.”

“Woo hoo!” Rainbow cheered before zipping off.

“What should we do with all the party supplies and food?” Rarity asked. She looked around, only to find that most of the cupcakes were gone, a pile of wrappers amassing at the foot of the couch.

“Don’t worry about it,” Avera grunted, her cheeks bulging. “We’ll take care of it.”

“Alright then! Let’s go!” Pinkie said as she bounced outside after Rainbow.

As the others filed out the door after her, Twilight pointed a hoof at me. “And no drinking while I’m gone. Got it?”

Holding up my hands, I shook my head. “I swear, a drop of whiskey shall not touch my lips.”

Chapter 09: Betray Your Friends

“So, what do we have for tonight?”

The four of us were gathered around the coffee table once more. Night had fallen outside, and the only light in the library came from the dim lantern flickering above the table. Several large bags from Nacho Horn were scattered about as we enjoyed their contents. Avera was consuming her twelve taco party pack, Ebony had a couple of quesadillas, and Primrose was sinking her fangs into some extra-bean-and-cheese burritos.

I myself was digging into a large nacho bowl, loaded with extra cheese, lettuce, beans, sour cream, and salsa. The only ingredient missing was guacamole, as I didn’t want to endanger Pyresteed, who was happily munching on whatever pieces of food she could ‘steal’ from us. Given that we weren’t really defending our food—as there was more than enough to go around—it wasn’t really all that difficult for her to snag a morsel.

Taking a sip from her large soda, Ebony smacked her lips before levitating over a smallish green-black box. “Well, I found this little gem in the same store as Hail to the FUNgeon, so I figured we’d give it a try.”

“What’s it called?” Primrose mumbled. She had a burrito held in her mouth like a cat with a mouse, her fangs puncturing the tortilla shell and allowing her to suck the beany-cheesy goodness out.

“It’s called Cuckoo Changelings,” Ebony said as she studied the box. “Build a changeling army. Betray your friends. Changelings are your friends now.”

Avera grinned. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

“Sounds like it could be a fun time,” I said. Reaching under the couch, I pulled out a squarish looking bottle with a cork stopper. A deep amber liquid sloshed about inside. “Ah, there we are. Let’s do this.”

“Hold on,” Ebony said with a frown. “I thought you promised Twilight you wouldn’t drink while she’s gone.”

“I did no such thing,” I said.

“Yes, you did,” Ebony insisted. “We were there. We heard.”

“Then you’ll remember that I said, and I quote, ‘a drop of whiskey shall not touch my lips’. This—” I pulled the cork out with a satisfying ‘thhhunk’ “—is a good ol’ fashioned bottle of spiced rum.”

Ebony glared at me for a moment before harrumphing. “Fine, but when you get in trouble, don’t expect my help.”

“I never do,” I said, only to blow a raspberry at her shocked expression.

“Wow. Rude,” she said, shaking her head. “Anyways, let’s get started, shall we?” Lighting up her horn, she opened the box and began to pull out several stacks of cards. There was a large deck with black backs and a smaller deck with green ones. Keeping both decks in her magic, she began to shuffle them while she looked over the rules. “Okay, so… here’s how to play…”

It took about ten minutes for her to explain the rules, and while they seemed complicated at first, it was actually a pretty simple game. There were five types of cards—Surprise cards, Evolution cards, Devolution cards, Charm cards, and Changelings cards (which had three subtypes as well: Nymphs, Basic Drones, and Queens). The object of the game was to be the first one to get seven Changeling cards into your Hive before the other players. During your turn, you could play a Changeling card, evolve your hive, devolve an opposing player’s hive, or play a charm card.

Ebony dealt out five cards to each of us and then we each took a Nymph card and placed it in our respective Hives. My Nymph was a white and purple one with an icy-blue background.

“So… who goes first?” I asked.

“Uh, oh!” Pouring over the rules, Ebony read for a moment. “It says here that the pony with the darkest coat goes first.” As one, everyone glanced at Avera.

“Noice,” she said with a grin. “Black coat for the win.”

"Only because my black shirt is missing," I grumbled. "Both of them."

"It said coat color, not shirt color, so it wouldn't have mattered anyway!" Avera said. Leaning forward, she drew a card before glancing over her hand. She thought for a moment before throwing down a card into her Hive. “I guess I’ll just play a Basic Drone card.”

Primrose drew a card before throwing down a Charm. “Royal Guard Patrol. Get rid of your Changeling card.” She grinned at Avera from around the burrito skewered on her fangs.

“Really? We just started the game!” Avera whined. “Why you gotta be so sweaty?”

After drawing her card, Ebony placed down a Basic Drone card. Upon glancing at it, I had to laugh upon seeing a changeling in a flannel shirt.

“These fucking pictures,” I chuckled. Drawing my own card, I considered my next move for a moment before placing down a Strobing Firefly Queen card in my Hive. “Alright, so when this card enters my Hive, I choose a player to discard a card from their hoof.” Looking at Avera, I grinned. “Discard a card.”

She gave me an affronted look. “We just started the game! Why you gotta be so sweaty too?!”

“Betray your friends,” I said. “Changelings are my friends now.” Taking the lid off of my drink, I pour a good measure of rum into my cola. Upon seeing Ebony giving me the stink eye, I offered her the bottle. “If I give you some, will you stop being so stuck up?”

She held her composure for a moment before caving.

“Fine,” she grunted, grabbing the bottle with her magic, “but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” As she poured some in her own drink, Avera took her turn.

“I’ll place a Basic Drone card in my Hive. Hopefully, I’ll actually get it to stay in there this ti—”

“Buzzed,” Primrose grunted, slapping the red card down. “Stop playing and discard your Basic Drone.”

“Oh, so that’s how it’s going to be, eh?” Avera hissed, her eyes narrowing as she glared at the bat pony. “Fine. Two can play that game.”

“As if,” Primrose said. Giving the burrito one last suck, she sucked the drained tortilla shell into her mouth and chewed. “I’d like to see you try. If I recall correctly, you Coming Dawners weren’t even at the Wedding, so you don’t know the first thing about handling Changelings.”

“Only because we were protecting your Princess,” Avera grunted. “What was it you Lunar Guards were doing again? Sleeping, was it?”

“That’s what nocturnal creatures tend to do during the day, yes,” Primrose replied nonchalantly. “Had we known that the Solar Guards, the Coming Dawn, and the Battlemages wouldn’t have been enough to handle a few bugs, we would have stayed up late to help out.”

“Please don’t drag me into this,” Ebony said quickly.

“I wasn’t there,” I said as I stuffed more nachos into my mouth. Chewing, I watched out of the corner of my eye as Pyresteed’s hand ever so slooowly appeared from below the armrest, reaching for the tacos on the side table next to Avera. The pegasus was too focused on the conversation, and thus lost two of her tacos.

Happy crunching came from behind the couch a moment later as the predator enjoyed the fruits of her hunt.

“Can we just get back to the matter at hoof?” Ebony asked.

“Fine,” Primrose said. Picking a card from her hand, she placed it in her Hive. “I play a Buggy-Driving Bug Queen card. This lets me draw two cards, but I have to discard one.” She did as the card instructed before picking up another burrito and sticking her fangs in it.

Drawing a card, Ebony placed a Basic Drone down in her Hive.

“So, how many Changelings do we need in our Hive again to win?” I asked as I drew my own card.

“Seven,” Ebony answered.

“Ah, okay.” Picking out a card, I placed it in my Hive. “I’ll play a Behemoth Queen card. It counts as two Changelings.” I smiled, pleased with myself. “That means I have three. Only four to go!” Reaching down for my nacho bowl, I paused as my hand grasped thin air. There came a soft crunch from behind me, and upon peering behind the couch, I found my nacho bowl.

Already half-eaten by a certain human.

“You bitch,” I said, my eyes narrowing.

Pyresteed just blinked up at me innocently, her cheeks full of cheese and beans and lettuce.

I glared at her for a moment before sighing. “You’re lucky that I have more.” Flopping back down, I grabbed one of the many Nacho Horn bags and pulled a second nacho bowl from its depths.

As I started in on it, Avera took her turn. Chuckling darkly, she slapped a Devolve card down on Primrose’s Hive. “There ya go! Purging of the Hive. Every turn, you need to sacrifice one Changeling card from your hive if you have them. Take that!”

Primrose gave her a bored look before playing a red card. “Buzzed. Get that shit out of here.”

“Mother bucker!”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Forty-five minutes later and we were still going at it. By now, most of the food had been eaten and what was left went untouched, even by Pyresteed, who was lying on her bed and holding her swollen stomach as she snored softly. The others had joined me and Ebony in drinking, and we were working through our third rum bottle.

Instead of food, the table was now littered with the gory signs of a great Changeling war. Dozens of Evolve and Devolve cards cluttered up our hives, each one doing its best to hinder and help the Hive’s owner. The discard pile was stacked high with the fallen remains of those that had been lost.

Fighting tooth and nail, we all had managed to get at least five Changelings into our Hives and keep them there. The only exception was Avera, who somehow snuck six Changelings into her Hive without somebody stopping her. One more Changeling card and she would win.

Which was probably why Ebony was taking so long with her turn.

Chewing on her hoof, her eyes darted over her cards while she muttered to herself. “I can’t play that. Her Nullstone Throne Evolve will block it. I can’t put that in my Hive. Max’s Wasteland Devolve prevents that.” Peering around the table one last time, she hesitantly placed down a card. “I play Love Poiso—”

“Buzzed!” Avera slapped the red card down. “No card playing for you!” She giggled drunkenly to herself, her face flushed. “Now it’s just the big guy’s turn, and then I win.” Turning to Primrose, she smirked. “Looks like I win.”

“We’ll see,” Primrose said, but sounded uncertain.

“Whatcha got, big guy?” Avera asked me.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I stared down at the two cards left in my hand. My gaze slowly drifted over the table, taking in all the cards in play, before I sighed heavily. “Eh, I don’t know, guys. I’m just not feeling this game anymore,” I said.

The three of them blinked at me in confusion.

“Maybe,” I continued, “maybe… we should just start over? What do you say?” Grabbing one of the cards, I placed it down on the table. “Wedding Crashers, bitches! All cards are discarded and the discard pile is then shuffled back into the deck!”

“B-buzzed!” Avera stammered, quickly slapping down a red card in a panic.

“Super Buzz!” I countered, slapping down my last card. “Buzzed your Buzz card, and you can’t buzz me back! Get rekt scrub!”

“You son of a whore!” Avera screamed as she stood up and slammed her forehooves on the table. “How long were you holding onto that card?!”

“From the beginning, bitch!” I cackled. “From the very beginning. You never had a chance of winning!”

“An hour of playing and now we’re back to square one,” Ebony mumbled in stunned awe. “No, even worse than square one, because we still have our shitty hands.” Slowly, she turned to stare at me with a blank, unfocused gaze. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done? What you just did?”

“Yup!” I grinned. “Shuffle up the cards, gals. You know the rules of game night. No one leaves until someone wins.”

“B-but… we haven’t even finished a round yet. And it takes two to win!” Ebony squeaked. “That means… that means we could end up potentially playing seven rounds!”

“We best get started then,” I said with a smirk. Lifting the rum bottle to my lips, I drained the last few inches with several long gulps before belching loudly.

“We’re gonna need more booze too,” Primrose grunted.

Ebony sighed. “This is gonna be a long night.”

Author's Note

Ten points if you can guess what Cuckoo Changelings is based on. And another 10 if you called the fact that Max was just going to drink another non-whiskey based alcoholic drink (which was most of you).

Too bad everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Chapter 10: Wake Up Call

“You know, you’re an incredibly annoying—yet also incredibly interesting—individual.”

Glancing up from the baby goats I was trying to stuff into tutus, I saw the mare leaning on the wooden fence. I opened my mouth to call out to her, only for the kid in my hands to bleat loudly before headbutting me in the stomach. The breath left my lungs and with a grunt of pain, I collapsed onto my back.

The kid pranced off, its head held high in the air.

“Would you believe me when I say that seeing that made me feel a little better?” the mare asked with a hint of laughter in her voice.

“Ungrateful little shits,” I groaned as I pushed myself into a seated position. Resting my arms on my knees, I glared at the retreating baby goats. They grouped around their mother, who was wearing a black sequin opera dress and was in the process of screwing on her horns.

“Baaah,” the one who had butted me shot back.

I pointed a finger at it. “Use that kind of language again and I’ll replace your horns with a fucking pair of cymbals instead.”

The kid snorted but didn’t make any more noise, instead huddling under its mother’s dress.

Grumbling to myself, I got to my feet and brushed myself off before turning back to the mare. “Excuse me, but what are you doing here? The petting zoo doesn’t open for another hour or so. Customers shouldn’t be inside yet. The animals aren’t properly dressed yet, and Fluttershy will be so disappointed if they didn’t look their best for the visitors.”

The mare gave me a bemused look before her eyes narrowed. “You’re being serious, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” I said. “The general public is not allowed inside the zoo outside of operating hours.”

“You honestly don’t remember anything?”

“Are you calling me stupid?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips. Movement above me caught my attention, and I looked up just in time to duck right as a group of pigs flew by, flight goggles on their heads and small capes on their backs. They circled the area once before soaring off towards a pen where a bunch of chickens were forming a large pyramid of eggs while the ducks cheered them on.

“Oh, honey, you have no idea,” the mare muttered under her breath, drawing my attention back to her. Sighing heavily, she shook her head. “Look at me. Really look at me. Do I look familiar to you? At all?”

Blinking, I gave the mare a quick once-over. Her coat was a dark pink color—almost sangria—with lighter purple freckles across her cheeks, neck, and chest. A short-cropped mane of hot pink hair hung down in front of a pair of piercing blue eyes. Bat-like wings, the same color as her mane, stuck out from her shoulders.

After studying her for a few more seconds, I shook my head. “Nope. Not really.”

“Of course not,” the mare tsked. With a flap of her wings, she jumped over the fence. As she stalked towards me, I was thrown off by her strange gait. Her forelegs moved normally, but her hind end bounced with each step, almost like she was jumping. As she got closer, the reason for the weird movement became painfully clear—she was missing her entire back right leg. A massive scar covered the area where the limb should have been, running down to her teats, which were hanging exposed.

“Even though we’ve been through this multiple times already, let’s try this again,” she said as she came to a stop in front of me. Unfurling a wing, she gave me a small half-bow. “My name is Lush Night. I was instructed by Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna, to help you with your nightmares.”

“What nightmares?” I asked.

“The nightmares you’ve been having on and off for the past few weeks,” the mare answered. “You’ve been having them so frequently that your mate has contacted us. I’ve been trying to help you with them, but you don’t ever seem to remember our encounters, which makes treating the underlying issues of the nightmares even more difficult.” Her piercing eyes bored into my head.

I stared at her for a moment as I chewed on my cheek.

“Riiight,” I said eventually. “Listen, I get that you might be overly eager to get into the petting zoo, but we aren’t open yet. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

It was the mare’s turn to blink. “Wat?”

“Look,” I sighed, “I don’t have time for this right now. If I don’t get these animals dressed and ready to go, Fluttershy is going to be really, really upset with me. Which means she’ll probably be passive-aggressive for about an hour before spending the next week apologizing to me for it. So, if you don’t mind, I have work to do.” Turning, I moved off towards the sheep pen.

“Now hold on one second!” In a flutter of wings, the mare hurried after me, half flying-half hopping. It wasn’t until I hopped over the fence that she finally took flight. Hovering beside me, she crossed her forelegs. “Whether you remember me or not, I know for a fact you can remember having nightmares. Your mate has confirmed that you’ve admitted to having them in the waking world.”

“Look,” I said as I reached the sheep pen. “If you have a problem with the zoo’s operating hours, you can take that up with Fluttershy. I have no control over it.” Leaning on the fence, I peered out at the ewes. Each one was wearing a pair of matching stockings and garter belts, except for the one ram who was wearing a pimp jacket.

Suddenly the mare was in my face. “I’m not here for your fucking zoo! I’m here to take care of you, whether you want it or not!”

Stumbling backward, I stared up at the mare in shock. Something tickled in the back of my mind. A feeling of déjà vu. I was forgetting something, something that seemed important, but I couldn’t recall what. Suddenly, the mare didn’t seem all that unfamiliar.

“I… know you…” I muttered.

“Finally,” the mare growled. “It’s about time we started to have a breakthrou—”

DROO-O-O-O-O-O-OOOMMMM

At that moment, a sudden explosion of sound roared into my ears. It tore into my eardrums and sent vibrations down my entire body. The force of the concussive blast was too much, and with a scream of pain, I woke up.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Shooting up, I clapped my hands to my ears even as my entire body continued to vibrate. The deep, rumbling bass shook me to my core, my eyes and teeth rattling in my head. The noise tore into my brain, causing my skull to feel like it was going to split in two. I cried out, but the scream was lost beneath the deluge of sound.

Shocked, dazed, and confused, I rolled off the couch and collapsed to the floor. Around me, the others were doing the same. Avera and Ebony were both pressing their hooves to their ears, their faces screwed up in pain. Primrose looked practically catatonic, her entire body twitching and spasming. The thumbs of her wings were shoved so far into her ears, she was probably in danger of puncturing her eardrums.

Then, as soon as it had started, the sound ceased.

I remained where I had fallen, hands still clasped over my ringing ears. My head throbbed in pain, and my stomach twinged as the room spun. The horrible taste of stale alcohol filled my dry mouth.

There came a shuffling noise beside me and I cracked open an eye. Pyresteed crawled out from beneath the couch, a spooked look on her face. “A-alpha?”

“What the buck was that?” Avera groaned, slowly uncurling from her fetal position.

Before any of us could answer, a loud voice shouted. “Good morning, Ponyville! Hey, it’s another de-lightful day here in Ponyland. It’s balmy weather outside right now and the sun is shining without a cloud in the sky! Everypony, time to get up! Get up, wherever you are! That’s right, rise and shine!”

Propping myself up on the coffee table, I glared at the unicorn currently standing in the center of the library, a forehoof resting on a large bass amp. “...the fuck are you doing here?”

The unicorn smirked, tossing her two-tone blue mane out of her face. She lowered her shades, her red eyes glowing in the dim light of the library. “Good to see you again too, brony.”

“Nuuh,” Primrose moaned weakly, trying to hide behind her wings. “You can’t be in here. This is my den… my pack…”

“Nonsense!” Vinyl Scratch said loudly. “We’re all friends here, right?” Stepping off the amp, she lowered her shades again as her horn lit up with ruby-colored magic. A moment later the blinds were thrown open wide, allowing sunlight to pour into the library.

Four cries of pain accompanied the sudden increase in light.

“Oh damn, it looks like you ponies had a good time last night,” Vinyl said as she looked around. Horn glowing again, she levitated a couple of empty rum bottles into the air. “My, my, my… someone was thirsty.”

“Stop with the noise,” Ebony whined, pressing a pair of pillows over her ears.

“What?!” Vinyl asked, louder than before. “What was that?” She clinked the bottles together with almost sadistic glee.

“Please, make it stop!” Ebony whimpered.

Eyeing the new pony warily, Pyresteed slunk slowly back under the couch until only her eyes could be seen in the darkness. “Noisy pony. No like.” After a moment, she reached out and grabbed the writhing form of Primrose, pulling the bat pony under the couch as well. “Packmate safe.”

Vinyl dropped the bottles back onto the floor before moving to stand across from me at the coffee table. Raising a hoof, she lifted her shades up over her horn, revealing the black scleras of her eyes. Long fangs extended from her upper lip as she smiled. “Rise and shine, buttercup.”

“Fuck off,” I grumbled, holding my head in my hands. It still hurt, but at least the throbbing from her earlier bass attack was starting to recede.

“No can do, brony,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’m here to help. You’ve been cooped up here in this library for so long, you’ve started growing mold. I’ve seen dragons leave their caves more often than you’ve left this library over the past few weeks.”

Lifting my head, I glared at her through my fingers. “I’m good where I am.”

“Nah, you can’t fool me,” Vinyl hummed. Her nose scrunched as she screwed up her face. “You’re getting a little too stuffy in here. You smell like old books and cobwebs. Time to go outside, blow the stink off you, and stretch those legs!”

“I’m injured,” I grunted. “My leg’s still fucked. I can barely walk anywhere right now.”

Leaning forward, she peered over the edge of the coffee table at said leg. “Looks fine to me.”

“It’s stiff and fucking hurts to move.”

“Oh please,” she scoffed. “That’s just because you aren’t stretching it enough. Of course it’s stiff. I’d be stiff too if I just laid around for two weeks straight.”

“Piss off, ghost,” I growled.

She stared at me before her horn lit up. A moment later, a collar and leash hung in the air beside her. “Come on, boy!” she whistled. “Come on. Up and at ‘em. Let’s go. Come on. Let’s go for a walk. You wanna go for a walk, huh? Walk?”

“Keep that up and I’ll shove that leash so far up your ass you’ll be able to floss your teeth with it.”

“Wow, rude,” Vinyl sniffed. “No treat for you.” Holding the leash at two points, she snapped it like a belt. “Whether you like it or not, we’re going for a walk, mutt.”

“The fuck we are,” I said before pausing. “Wait, I don’t have to listen to you. Fuck off.”

“Actually, you do,” she said with a fang-filled grin. “Twilight asked me to come check up on you guys while she’s gone. See? Here’s her note.” She levitated a piece of paper over to me.

Taking it, I turned it over and glanced at the words. “It doesn’t say that. All it says is ‘talk shit, get bi—ouch! Fuck you, bitch!”

Vinyl’s cackling filled the library.

Chapter 12: Ghosts of the Past

The walk back into town was easier than before. I wasn’t sure if that was because the muscles in my leg were becoming less stiff, or if it had anything to do with my mood improving from the meeting with the goddess of cellos. Either way, I didn’t find myself wincing as often as I limped back into Ponyville.

Vinyl walked me back, although I wasn’t sure if that was because she felt obligated to, or because she was trying to get away from the lecture Octavia was giving her at the time. Either way, she trotted alongside me, her surgical mask and shades back on her face.

The sun was beginning its slow descent towards the horizon as we entered the town, and the shadows were starting to lengthen. Ponies were drifting from the marketplace towards the residential areas of town. Foals raced along the path, heading for the playground or to a friend’s house.

As we walked along, I glanced down at Vinyl. “So, you’re both living in Ponyville now?”

“Eeyup,” Vinyl chirped. She pranced along the side of the road, swaying in and out of the tall grass that lined the lane. “It’s a nice change of pace, actually. I’ve been living in busy cities for so long that I completely forgot how good it feels to live out in the quiet countryside.”

“No regrets?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Well, there is the struggle of none of the shops being open at night,” she said after a moment of consideration. “I’m used to sleeping during the day, so I had to adjust my sleep schedule so that I could do my shopping during the day. Still, that’s a small price to pay.”

“Oh, poor you,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “How much you must suffer.”

“Yeah, yeah. Yuk it up, brony,” Vinyl sniffed. “It just so happens that living in Ponyville now also means I’m closer to you, so I can keep an eye on you easier.”

This caused me to pause. “Wait, hold up. Why do you need to keep an eye on me?”

Lowering her shades, Vinyl peered up at me. Her red irises glowed eerily in the sunlight, while the black scleras seemed to absorb all light. “Well, seeing as the first human I ever met from your world tried to throw ours into chaos, forgive me for wanting to keep a closer eye on the second one.”

“I thought you said that I, uh… what was it? Had a good heart or something like that?”

“Princess Luna has a good heart as well,” Vinyl said with a shrug. “Look what happened to her a thousand years ago though. A good heart doesn’t mean you’re incorruptible.”

“I’ve told you ponies dozens of times already,” I growled. “I’ve told you again and again. I’m not looking to hurt anyone. I’m not going to do anything evil. I’m just trying to live my life and enjoy the ride. Why can’t you fuckers believe me?”

“Words,” Vinyl replied. “You can say you won’t all you want, but in the end, those are just words. Little breaths of air from your lungs. Meritless. Meaningless. For instance, I could say I won’t kick you in the shins, no matter what.” At this, she suddenly cocked a hind leg, aiming it in my direction.

I immediately stepped back out of striking distance.

“Why did you move?” she asked. “I told you I wouldn’t kick you, yet you still moved. Why? Don’t you trust me?”

“Alright,” I grumbled. “I get it.”

“Just having a good heart doesn’t mean you won’t destroy the world around you,” Vinyl said as she lowered her leg. “Some of the greatest tragedies in history were caused by somepony believing they were doing the right thing, for the right reasons. As the saying goes, the road to Tartarus is paved with good intentions.”

“So, what?” I asked as we started walking again. “You’re just planning on following me around from now on, making sure that I don’t go insane and become evil? Always be in the shadows in case I slip up?”

“Nah,” Vinyl chuckled, shaking her head. “I plan on hanging out with a friend, while also making sure he doesn’t make any more stupid decisions.” Her mask twitched as she smirked. “Looks like I might have my work cut out for me.”

“Friend?” I gave her a bemused look. “We’ve only seen each other… what, like three times?”

“Eh.” She shrugged. “It’s Equestria. Friendships can spring up overnight. It’s best to not question it.”

“Riiight,” I said, but the corners of my mouth twitched upward.

“Besides, I’m sure Twilight won’t mind having another pony with some sense around to wrangle you up,” Vinyl chuckled. “After all, I’m pretty good at knocking heads together. Oh, and speaking of which…” She paused and removed her glasses again to give me a stern look. “I was being serious earlier when I said you needed to blow the stink off. You might not be able to smell it, but you’re beginning to smell like a brewery. My nose might be extra sensitive, but I’m pretty sure other ponies will start noticing soon if you keep this habit up. The only reason your other sanguinarian hasn’t said anything yet is that her senses are dulled by the painkiller. Regardless though, you really need to cool it with the alcohol.”

“I’ll take it under advisement,” I said cooly.

She gave me an even look but said nothing. Instead, she replaced her glasses and we walked in silence for a few minutes.

As the library came into view, a shout caught my attention. Turning, I watched as Ebony trotted up. She had a smile on her face and her saddlebags were bulging with her purchases.

“There you guys are,” she said as she reached us. “I was wondering where you went. I looked all over town but couldn’t find you, so I figured I’d just head back to the library. And here you are!”

“And here we are,” I repeated. Adjusting Primrose’s shades, I peered down at Ebony. “So, did you get what you were looking for?”

“Yes!” she said happily. “They didn’t have as large of a selection as the Battlemages have back at the Academy, but I managed to find a few good ones.” Turning around, she lit up her horn as she looked into a saddlebag. “I’ve got some basil, lavender, aloe vera, mint, rosemary, thyme, catnip, valerian, motherwort, passionflower, and some stinging nettles!”

“Jesus,” I whistled. “Did… did you clean them out?”

“Oh, no,” Ebony said, shaking her head. “I just picked up a few things to get started. I’ll be going back later this week to pick up some more seeds. They even offered to special order a couple of speciality seeds I was looking for that they didn’t have!” Giggling, she bounced up and down. “Oh, this is going to be great! I can’t wait to start growing things again!”

“Wow, somepony’s excited,” Vinyl snickered.

Sticking out her tongue, Ebony blew her a raspberry.

“Hey, you do you,” Vinyl said quickly. “I’ve got nothing against it. In fact, if you’re looking to make a little money, let me know. I’ve got some… special plants I’ve been looking for somepony to grow.”

“Of course…” Ebony sighed, shaking her head.

Vinyl huffed. “Hey, hey, do you know how hard it is to grow blood moss?”

“Blood moss, hmmm?” Ebony rubbed her chin. “We’ll discuss this at a later date. I’d like to at least get the garden growing first before having to tend to special requests.”

“Fair enough,” Vinyl said.

Rolling my eyes, I stepped around Vinyl and made my way towards the library. As I opened the door, Vinyl called out. “Well, I’ll catch you later, brony! I’ve got a few things I need to take care of before heading back and dealing with Tavia.”

“Good luck,” I called back. “You’re going to need it.”

“Don’t I know it,” Vinyl muttered before wandering off.

I watched her go for a moment before glancing down at Ebony. “You said you got catnip? Why would you plant that? We don’t even have a cat!”

“I got it for the medical properties,” she explained. “It also acts as a repellent for certain insects.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” I said as we walked inside. “We aren’t getting a cat, Ebony. We’ve got too many creatures living here already.” Not a second after the words left my mouth, I was promptly tackled by Pyresteed.

“Packmate safe!”

“Sonofabit—”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Later that night, I was seated on the couch in the darkened library. The others had all gone to bed already—Avera, Primrose, and Ebony into the basement, and Pyresteed dozing upon her plush cushion bed. She was curled up in a ball, her face hidden behind her chaotic mess of hair.

The only light was the faint moonlight that came from the waning crescent moon outside. It streamed through the thin curtains, the beam of pale light splashing across the floor in long strips. Occasionally, a few fireflies would drift past the window, but for the most part, the world was still.

Silently I sat there, staring at the half-full bottle of rum in my hands.

I didn’t want this. It had started off simple enough: a drink here, a drink there, something to help with the pain and take my mind off it. Now, though, it had somehow evolved. Others were beginning to notice, beginning to voice their concerns. Even Twilight was becoming worried.

It should be easy, right? All I had to do was put the bottle down and stop drinking. No more rum, no more whiskey, no more anything. Just a few days and I’d be back on track. Twilight would be happier, and I’d probably feel less like shit. All I had to do was put the bottle down.

If only it were so easy.

My grip around the bottle tightened until my knuckles turned white and my hands trembled, causing the amber liquid inside to slosh around. I had already drank half of it already; I could feel the fuzziness slowly enveloping my senses already. That was enough, right? Just a light buzz? Something to help take the edge off and help me sleep? That’s all I really needed…

...right?

I stared at the bottle for a few more seconds before raising it to my lips and draining the remaining liquid in a few, heavy gulps. Wincing at the burn, I got shakily to my feet and headed for the stairs. My bed was calling me, and I could only stave off the lure of sleep for so long before it claimed me by force.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

The earth was trying to consume me. Ankle-deep in the blood-soaked mud, I struggled to escape even as I sunk slowly deeper and deeper into the sludge. I clawed at the wall of dirt in front of me, trying to climb out of the pit I found myself in. It was in vain though, the walls too slick with blood for me to find purchase. I just slid back down, sinking further into the quagmire beneath me.

All around me, the distorted sound of howling rage and laughter mixed together in a cacophony of wailing. The noise filled my ears, drowning out my own cries for help. It was as if a hurricane were present above the pit, the wind tearing down into the pit and sending mud flying everywhere.

And even through all the chaos and noise, I could still sense her.

Pausing in my struggling, I looked back. There—in the center of the pit—she stood. Unmoving from her position in the center of the pit, she only watched me, her emerald eyes boring into me with such ferocity that it almost felt like I was being physically stabbed by her gaze alone. Her skin was pallid, almost hauntingly so. The only color present came from the plethora of freckles that covered her cheeks and nose.

And the red and purple ring of bruises around her neck.

She didn’t move, even as her fiery red hair whipped around in the whirlwind. She said nothing, even as she glared accusingly at me. She did nothing, even as tears of blood slowly dripped down her cold, pale cheeks to join the bloody marsh below.

Unable to escape her gaze, I collapsed into the mud. Curling up, I covered my face with my hands as I repeated the same plea over and over again, sobbing into my soiled flesh. “P-please... I didn’t know…

“I didn’t know…

“I didn’t know…

“I didn’t know…”

Author's Note

There's a reason to the madness. But sometimes the answers you seek can't be found at the bottom of the bottle.

Chapter 13: To See If I Still Feel...

It was still dark out when I was awoken by a weight settling upon the bed beside me. The mattress sunk down, causing the thing to lean into me. Letting out a small groan, I opened my good eye a crack only to find a warm pair of violet ones inches from my face. Instantly, my heart rate spiked and I inhaled sharply, only for the sweet smell of lavender and parchment to caress my nose.

The eyes receded quickly, revealing a familiar face that was etched with concern.

Closing my eye again, I exhaled slowly as my heart continued to thunder in my chest. “Don’t fucking do that. God damn. Fuck.”

“Sorry,” Twilight murmured softly. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to disturb you. I didn’t think getting into bed was going to wake you up. I can usually get out of bed without you even stirring. Heck, you’re normally such a heavy sleeper that it takes me a couple of minutes to wake you.”

“Mmmm,” I grunted, letting my head fall back down upon the pillow. Slowly, my heart rate returned to normal. “Whatever. Fuck. When did you get back?”

“Only a few minutes ago,” Twilight said. Tentatively, she settled down on top of the covers, draping a wing over my chest in the process. “We finished up with our adventure yesterday. Met A.K Yearling. She was definitely an… unique individual. Anyways, once we were done helping, it didn’t seem right to burden her further so we caught an overnight train back last night.” She was silent a moment before a big yawn escaped her and she squeaked. “The sleeper carriage wasn’t all that comfortable though. Felt like I was sleeping on cardboard and plastic. Spike’s already asleep again, down with Pyresteed on her bed. I came up here to try and get a few more hours of sleep as well.”

“A few more hours?” I hummed. “What… you’re usually an early riser.”

“Yeah. So?”

“What time is it?”

“It’s just a little before sunrise, I think.” Letting out another yawn, Twilight snuggled deeper into the covers, tucking her legs underneath her like some kind of cat. She nestled down, wiggling as she tried to get comfortable. The covers bunched up around her, giving her the appearance of a bird sitting on its nest. “The horizon was just starting to glow a faint red when we got off the train. Princess Celestia and Luna were probably getting ready to trade-off soon.”

I let her shuffle about for a few minutes but eventually, her constant movement got old. Huffing in annoyance, I pulled my arm out from under the covers and wrapped it around her neck. She squawked in surprise as I pulled her against me, but she quickly settled down again, her head resting on my chest.

“There. Better,” I mumbled, already half-asleep again.

“I was getting comfortable,” Twilight sighed, but she didn’t sound too upset. She rubbed her nose against my chest.

“Whatever,” I grunted before letting out a yawn of my own. “Too tired to quip. I’ma sleep now. Goodnight. Morning. Whatever.” Before I had a chance to go through with it though, Twilight stiffened against me. Suddenly, I heard the sound of magic before I felt something grab my face and turn my head about. Blinking in confusion, I stared into Twilight’s eyes, which were now stern.

“Open your mouth,” she said.

“W-what?” I stammered.

“Say ‘ahhh’,” she instructed, her tone brooking no argument. I did as instructed only for her to lean forward, her nostrils flaring. She released my head as her cold look quickly turned into anger. “You were drinking!”

“What are you…?” I began, only for her to cut me off.

“Don’t deny it! I can smell the alcohol on your breath!” Pulling herself away from me, she sat up and crossed her forelegs. “I can’t believe you. The one thing I ask you to do while I’m gone, the one thing I don’t want you to do… and you go and do it!”

“Twilight…”

“How much did you drink?” she continued unabated. “Did you spend the entire time I was gone drunk? Passed out on the couch? I’m surprised I found you in bed. I’m surprised you actually woke up! I can’t believe you’d do this!” Her wings fluttered in agitation. “How dare you!”

“Twilight.”

“I can’t trust you, is that it?” she asked. “I can’t even trust you to take care of yourself for a few days? What? Do I need to put a leash on you again and take you everywhere with me just so I can keep an eye on you? Cause I will. If you want to act like a foal, I’ll start treating you like one!”

“Twilight!”

“What?!” she snapped, only to yelp a moment later as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her down.

“Drop it,” I said as I held her against my chest.

She squirmed, trying to escape, but then she ceased and instead glared up at me. “No, I’m not going to drop this,” she growled. “It’s getting out of hoof. And it’s clear that you don’t care enough about your health to do anything about it! I’m gonna—”

“Twilight, please.” I squeezed her tighter. “Just… d-drop it, okay? For now?” My voice cracked halfway through the sentence and a shiver ran through my body unbidden. Despite being beneath the covers and having Twilight on top of me, I found myself suddenly cold. There was a pain in my chest and I found myself blinking back tears. I quickly buried my face in Twilight’s chest fluff, inhaling deeply as I took in her comforting scent.

Twilight was still for a moment before sighing. “Fine. For now. But we’re discussing this soon. I can promise you that.”

“Deal,” I agreed, my voice muffled by her fur. Had her chest fluff always been this poofy?

Shifting slightly, Twilight wrapped her wings around me, trapping me in a feathery shield of warmth. I felt her hoof brush gently against my head, her frog playing across my shorter hair. No more words were spoken; instead, we stayed that way—me holding onto her with almost fanatical desperation, and her comforting me. In that strange moment she was my rock, holding my encroaching panic attack at bay.

Faint sunlight was soon creeping through the windows. Without moving, Twilight used her magic to close the curtains a little tighter, blocking out the growing light. When the sound of movement came from downstairs along with the muffled sound of laughter, the bedroom door glowed rosy before locking.

As the rest of the world started to wake, Twilight and I held each other close, and slowly drifted back off to sleep. The last thing I heard before slumber claimed me again was the sound of Twilight humming softly. And for the first time in weeks, my dreams weren’t plagued by horrors.

Author's Note

With that, we've come to the end of the introduction. Now it's time for some good meaty parts. Shinanigans, tomfoolery, etc. And for those that have been asking, this is gonna be a somewhat long fic. That means that some things are going to happen, just not instantly. Max's drinking, Twilight's pregnancy, etc.

I got burned out with Your Human and You (as you can tell by the months of no updates) so I'm going to take this story slow and easy and enjoy myself. I have no plans on going anywhere even though the show has ended. I'm sticking around to see if Gen 5 sparks the fandom again, or if this is truly the end.

Chapter 14: There is No Spoon

-A few days later…

At first, I wasn’t sure what it was that woke me. I hadn’t been having a nightmare, and everything seemed quiet enough. After a few seconds of laying there though, I noticed a faint light was on somewhere in the room.

God damn it. Was it really morning already? It felt like I had literally just closed my eyes just minutes earlier. Why must sleep be so cruel to me? Before I could start my grumbling and whinging about the sun too much, I realized the source of the light wasn’t coming from the window, but instead from the far wall of the room.

As I mused about this strange fact, the sound of pages being turned reached my ears.

Beside me, Twilight stirred as well.

“Wassat?” she mumbled.

“It’s your turn to deal with the strangeness,” I mumbled as I snuggled further beneath the blankets.

“It’s always my turn,” she grumbled back before sitting up. She looked around for a moment before tsking softly. “Spike, you really need to go to sleep!”

“Aww,” came a dejected whine from the far side of the room. “Two more minutes, Twilight!” There was a shuffle of blankets followed by the soft patter of little feetsies on the wooden floor before the voice continued from the foot of our bed. “I’m just getting to the really good part! The Mane-iac is about to—”

“The Mane-iac?” Twilight asked.

“Make the noise stop,” I huffed. Grabbing the sheets, I started to roll over so that the light wasn’t shining on my closed eyes anymore, but before I could pull the blankets with me, something thumped down onto the mattress. A very excited baby dragon bounced up and down on the mattress, waving a comic book about.

“The Power Ponies’ most evil nemesis!” Spike gushed, thrusting the comic book out so Twilight could see the pictures. “She was the power-mad owner of a hair-care product company. A tragic accident at her shampoo factory in Maretropolis not only gave her mane strange new powers but also caused her to go completely insane! She and her henchponies are planning to break into the Maretropolis Museum and steal the Electro-Orb, so she can use it to power up her doomsday device! Of course, the Mane-iac wouldn’t have even known if Hum Drum hadn’t slipped up and told her all about it.”

“The noise is still going,” I groaned. “Make it stooop.”

Twilight was silent a moment before asking. “Hum Drum?”

“Nooo,” I whined weakly. “Don’t encourage him. Silence him. Silence the non-sleeper.”

“Nah, the guy in the blue boots and pointless red cape,” Spike answered, pointing at the comic. “The Power Ponies' bumbling and totally useless sidekick.” Bouncing about the bed, he jumped onto the footboard before shouting. “The Power Ponies have to stop the Mane-iac or Maretropolis is doo-hoo-hoo-hoomed!”

Twilight laughed softly. “Believe me, Spike, if anypony understands what it’s like to get caught up in a really good book, it’s me. I barely got any sleep for three days after Max gave me those copies of books from his world for Hearth’s Warming.”

“You’ll get nothing more unless you cease the noise,” I groused.

“Buuut,” Twilight continued, even as she nudged me under the covers, “if we’re going to make any progress fixing up Luna and Celestia’s old castle tomorrow, we all have to do our part. We don’t want to be too tired to lend a hoof… or claw.”

“Okay, okay,” Spike huffed. “I’m going to bed.” He jumped off our bed and slowly made his way back to his basket. “Goodnight.” With that, the light clicked off and blessed darkness consumed the room once more.

“Hello darkness, my old friend,” I hummed.

“Hush, you,” Twilight said as she settled back down. There was some shuffling as she got comfortable again, and I felt her rump press up against my back. Her tail flicked out and draped over my hip. Then, there was sweet silence.

For about ten seconds.

A soft patting noise started up from the other side of the room. Twilight sighed softly before the sound of magic being used came from beside me, followed by an amused, “Fine. Two more minutes.”

“Yes!” cheered Spike, and the light clicked on again.

As the sound of turning pages filled the room once more, I growled into my pillow. “You fucking enabler…”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“Alpha?” I felt something nudge my shoulder. “Alpha, up?”

Unwilling to wake up just yet, I grunted and buried my face deeper into my pillow. It was a bit chilly this morning and it was incredibly warm and comfortable beneath the blankets. It was the kind of comfortable that allowed you to hold a pee in for hours, just so you can continue to enjoy the comforts.

The poking returned.

“Nooo, fuck oooff…” I groaned.

“Alpha! Up? Alpha up now!”

My brow furrowed. There was something I was forgetting. Something important… about the individual currently shaking my shoulder. If I was more awake, I could probably figure it out, but at the moment I was fighting to return to the sweet embrace of blessed sle—

“Alpha! Up!”

That was the only warning I got before the covers were suddenly ripped off of me, exposing my body to the chilly morning air. A pair of hands latched onto my limbs and heaved.

“What the fuc—?!” I yelped as I was lifted bodily into the air and flung over Pyresteed’s shoulder. My face was pressed into her hair, flooding my nose with her natural scent—the sweet smell of petrichor mixed with the spice of citrus. Sputtering, I choked on several strands of her curly hair before managing to free my face from the trap.

“Alpha up now!” Pyresteed chirped proudly. Turning, she carried me effortlessly down from the loft and across the room. In her enthusiasm though, she bashed my head on the doorframe as we exited with a resounding crack.

Stars exploded in front of my eye as I swore. “Motherfucker!”

The ringing in my head didn’t subside until we reached the ground floor.

Entering the kitchen, I was able to smell the sweet scent of pancakes and hash browns before Pyresteed dumped my ass on the floor. As I lay there, groaning, an upside-down lavender face appeared above me. “Ah, there you are.” It retreated and I heard, “Good girl, Pyresteed!” followed by the crunch of something being eaten.

“Did… did you bribe her to go get me?” I asked.

“Yes?” Twilight’s face returned. “I wouldn’t say ‘bribe’. I just told her that if she retrieved you, she’d get a piece of apple. And she did, didn’t you?” Pyresteed’s face appeared above me as well, her jaw moving as she chewed happily. Twilight patted her head. “Good girl, Pyre.”

“You can’t treat her like a pet,” I said indignantly.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “Like you don’t?”

“I don’t tell her to do a trick and then give her a treat, yes,” I said. “How could you treat her like that?”

“Easy,” Twilight said with a shrug. “Like this.” Her horn lit up and she levitated an apple slice into the air next to her. Looking at Pyresteed—who was eyeing the apple slice ravenously—she nodded down at me. “Pyresteed, sit on his face.”

With almost no hesitation, she moved tp straddle my head.

“Nope!” Rolling to the side, I quickly sat up. “No. Just fucking no!” I glared at Twilight, who was laughing as she handed the apple slice to a confused Pyresteed. “Stop doing that! You know it bugs me!”

“I would, but your reaction is always worth it,” she said as she moved back to the stove.

Giving her one last look, I got to my feet before brushing myself off. I took a seat at the kitchen table, which was already occupied by three other individuals, two of whom still looked as half-asleep as I felt.

“I don’t get it,” Ebony said as she filled her mug with coffee. “What’s the big deal with having Pyresteed sit on you? I’ve seen you sit on ponies before.” She passed the coffee pot to Avera, who would have started pouring it a few inches to the right of her mug had Ebony not corrected her with a nudge of magic.

“The difference is that I have clothes on when I do it,” I grumbled. “I still can’t get Pyresteed to wear any underwear. All she wants to wear are my shirts. Speaking of which, I swear I'm missing some. Are you fuckers taking my clothing?”

“Again, I fail to see the problem,” Ebony said, cocking her head to the side.

Sighing as they ignored the question, I reached over and pulled up the hem of Pyresteed’s shirt, revealing the topic of discussion in all its glory. She blinked in surprise and held up her arms, but other than that just stood there, chewing on her treat. After a few seconds, I let go of the shirt and let it fall back into place.

“So… her bits make you uncomfortable?” Avera asked. “That makes no sense. We ponies don’t wear clothing. I bet you’ve seen tons of marehoods since you’ve arrived. They don’t make you uncomfortable.”

“There’s a difference,” I said as Twilight’s magic placed a glass of orange juice down in front of me. “One I’m just now getting accustomed to. The other one I spent years of my puberty searching on the internet when my parents weren’t home. Of course one is going to affect me more.”

“Internet?” Ebony inquired.

I waved her off. “I’ll explain later. It’s a technology thing. Imagine a giant library you could access from anywhere, anytime.”

She gave me an aghast look at this. “A-and you used something amazing like… like that to look up pictures of… of… genitalia?!”

“Hey. What can I say?” I shrugged. “Puberty, hormones, too much alone time. It was perfectly normal. Leave me alone.” Leaning back in the chair, I took a sip of my juice. “You can’t tell me you didn’t do anything similar when you were going up.”

“Most certainly not!” Ebony insisted.

“I grew up next to a brothel,” Avera said. “I learned quickly and had plenty to gawk at.”

“As interesting as this conversation is,” Twilight said as she placed down a plate stacked with pancakes, “I don’t think it’s breakfast appropriate.” Hash browns followed next, along with a bowl of blueberries and strawberries.

I let out a sigh only for it to turn into a grunt when Twilight sat down in my lap. She wiggled about for a moment before settling back against my stomach. Her horn lit up as she snagged a couple of strawberries from the bowl. I rolled my eyes before snaking my arm around her stomach and hugging her close.

“You two are so cute together,” Avera snickered.

“Oh, go stuff yourself,” I said as I swirled my orange juice around in the glass. “You’re just jealous you don’t have a princess to snuggle.”

“I don’t know,” Avera grimaced playfully. “That kind of relationship looks like more trouble than it's worth.”

“For which party, exactly?” I asked.

She just smirked. “Yes.”

Twilight twitched in my lap. “Hey!” She glared back and forth at both of us. “I’m not the troubled party member here! Name one time that I’ve caused trouble for him.”

“Well, you did push him out the window the first day of estrus,” Avera said. She shoved a forkful of pancakes into her mouth before continuing. “That sounds like it could be an issue. I mean, normal ponies don’t just go shoving others out of windows.”

“I didn’t shove him!” Twilight squawked. “He jumped! Of his own volition!”

“You blasted him with the Elements of Harmony,” Ebony offered. “That led to a whole lot of issues.”

“That was Celestia’s idea!” Twilight countered. Twisting about, she gave me a look. “If you recall, I was against it.” With a harrumph, she crossed her forelegs and settled back against me again. “Besides, it’s also probably the only reason we figured out the Equestrian humans were intelligent. Well…” She paused and glanced at Pyresteed, who was currently chewing on a spoon. Just the spoon. No food. Just metal. “Er… somewhat intelligent.”

“She blasted me with the Elements of Harmony a second time,” I said as I took a sip of orange juice. Pausing, I then added. “Although, that blast was actually aimed at Discord, and I got caught in the middle.”

“See?! I am not the problem party here!” Twilight proclaimed triumphantly.

“Shush,” I said, pushing my finger against her nose. Her muzzle scrunched up and she went cross-eyed for a moment. She opened her mouth to offer some form of retaliation, but at that moment, a loud belch echoed around the room.

Spike—who I hadn’t seen until this moment due to him being in the corner quietly reading his comic book—let out a gout of green fire from his mouth. The flames wafted through the air before condensing into a scroll which dropped down onto an empty space on the table.

Twilight blinked. “A letter from Princess Celestia? I wonder what she could want?” Lighting up her horn, she plucked up the scroll and unrolled it before reading the contents aloud.

To Princess Twilight Sparkle,

This letter is to request the presence of the following individuals in Canterlot Castle for medical review:

1 Ms. Primrose Willowherb

1 Mr. Max the Anomaly

We would like to perform a check-up and make sure that their injuries are healing properly and require no further treatments, as well as check for any unforeseen complications that might be developing. Due to the critical/unique circumstances of their injuries, we request their presence as soon as possible. As such, a chariot has been dispatched from Canterlot at sunrise to transport the above individuals to the castle.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Spinal Tap
Royal Healer
Solar Branch

“They’re requesting our presence for a check-up?” I asked, reading over her shoulder.

Primrose blinked and raised a hoof to the bandages around her chest. “Makes sense… I guess. It’s stopped seeping as much. I suppose it would be a good idea to get it checked out, just to make sure.”

“But today?” Twilight asked. “Wait… didn’t they say…” Trailing off, she reread the letter before glancing frantically up at the clock. “If the chariot left Canterlot at sunrise, they’ll be here in less than an hour! Oh no!”

It was my turn to blink. “I don’t see what the problem is.”

“The problem,” Twilight stressed, “is the girls and I were planning on working on refurbishing Princess Celestia and Luna’s old castle! I can’t just cancel on them, yet this is something you two really need to go to!” She looked over at the others at the table desperately.

“Don’t look at me,” Avera said, holding up her hooves. “I have work today. Packages aren’t gonna deliver themselves.”

“I need to pick up a large order from Wallflowers’ Floral Shop,” Ebony said with a shake of her head. “There are some time-sensitive plants, so I need to be there to collect them.”

A few strands of Twilight’s mane were starting to stick out, and I could feel her twitching in my lap. Reaching down, I wrapped my other arm around her and rested my chin on top of her head. “Hey, it’s fine. You do what you need to do with the others.”

“But—”

“No buts,” I said. “Primrose and I can handle this by ourselves. It’s literally just us walking from the library to the chariot and from the chariot to the castle interior. We’ll be fine.”

“But I—”

“Your butt,” I said, reaching down and giving her flank a squeeze, right over her cutie mark. She squeaked and her wings exploded outwards with twin ‘pomf’s. Her body stiffened, and for a moment I thought I might have gone too far. Then a shiver ran down her spine and she turned to give me a half-lidded glare.

“Don’t start something you won’t finish,” she murmured in a husky voice.

“Oh, I’ll finish it,” I whispered back. “It’ll just have to wait until after I get back from Canterlot.”

“It’s a promise,” she breathed before leaning up and kissing me. I returned the favor, savoring the taste of strawberries on her soft lips. After a moment, it deepened as we both lost ourselves to the other’s presence. Nothing else mattered.

And then the moment was ruined as Pyresteed gagged, choking as she accidentally swallowed her spoon.

Chapter 15: Checkups and Meetups

“Um, sooo… is this all really necessary?” I asked in disbelief.

The flight from Ponyville to Canterlot had actually been more pleasant than I thought it would have. The two pegasi guards that had arrived with the chariot had helped both me and Primrose into the chariot’s bed. They made sure we were both comfortable and secure before taking off. Even then, they flew nice and slow, taking a low, scenic route in order to avoid the worst of the turbulence.

Primrose slept most of the ride, while I took the time to view the countryside below. Spring was in full bloom, and it was very clear from up in the sky. A variable sea of flowers and plantlife covered the green, grassy hills below.

It took about an hour to reach our destination. Well, maybe more like an hour and a half. I wasn’t entirely sure though, as I hadn’t checked the time before we left. Still, we arrived in the late morning just as the sun was nearing its zenith. That’s probably why both of us were a little surprised by one of the many individuals that were waiting for us in the courtyard when we touched down.

“Whatever do you mean?” Luna asked, cocking her head to the side. Her mane was a little frazzled and she had lines under her hooded, bloodshot eyes. Several cups of coffee orbited her head like tiny little satellites.

“This!” I said, motioning around us.

Luna blinked before peering around at the roughly two dozen ponies that had grouped around the chariot. Half or so were Healers, their blindfold-style masks glinting in the sunlight. Their light-colored coats stood out in stark contrast to the dark blue and violets of the Lunar Guards that accompanied them.

“And?” she asked, turning back to me.

I cocked an eyebrow. “This seems like an excessive amount of ponies to greet us just for a simple check-up,” I said as I stepped down from the chariot. Primrose followed behind me only to stumble as her back hoof caught the edge of the chariot’s bed. A pair of Healers caught her before she hit the ground.

Swearing under her breath, she readjusted her dark shades before grumbling. “Too bucking bright out.”

“Perhaps,” Luna hummed, taking a sip from one of the mugs of coffee as it orbited past her muzzle, “however, please humor us. Both of you have been through extreme ordeals and we’d like to treat each case with the care and respect it deserves. Better to use excessive force and find nothing than to use minimal and be surprised later, no?”

“Um, ‘both of us’?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure Primrose is the only one. She’s the one that had the makeshift spear jammed through her body. I thought all I had was a broken leg and some bruised ribs. How is that extreme?”

It was Luna’s turn to raise her eyebrow. “You are but one of three creatures that have had the Elements of Harmony used against them. Twice they were used on you, twice they were used on us, and thrice they were used on Discord. Each time held a different effect, so forgive us if we wish to make sure that you don’t suffer from any adverse effects from their use.”

“I suppose,” I said slowly, only to frown. “But you’re out of your mind if you think I’m riding in one of those.”

“Oh?” Luna glanced at the two wheelchairs the Healers had brought with them. “Why?”

“They’re designed for ponies,” I said. “Which means it’s uncomfortable for me. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll walk.”

“Buck that,” Primrose growled. “Wheelchair me up.” With the help of a couple of Healers, she climbed into one of the wheelchairs, practically collapsing back against the cushioned chair.

As the Healers got her situated, I turned to Luna. “So, why are you the one meeting us here and not your sister?”

“What? Are we not good enough for you?” Luna asked with a pout. When I stuck my tongue out at her, she smirked. “Tia is holding Court at the moment, and it thusly preoccupied. The Nobles have been getting a little more… vocal, ever since it came to light that the Equestrian humans are indeed intelligent.”

“They’re complaining about losing their source of fuck?”

“Neigh.” Luna shook her head. “They are complaining about losing their source of free labor. In order to continue using humans as laborers, ponies need to start offering them a currency. However, therein lies the headache.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

“Well, you see, the norm is to pay those who do services for you in bits,” Luna explained. “Bits then can be exchanged for goods and services in return. However, humans care not for bits, so we reach a stalemate.”

“That does sound like a headache,” I said, stroking my beard. “I feel sorry for whoever needs to deal with it.”

“Indeed,” Luna said with a nod. “I do believe Ms. Heartstrings’ mane is decidedly more silver than it had been previously.”

It was at that time that one of the Healers approached us. Inclining her head to Luna, she spoke in a soft whisper that would have made Fluttershy proud. “The patient is in place, your majesty. We are ready to move to the medical ward.”

“Ah, very good,” Luna said as she glanced over at the seated form of Primrose. “Let us be off then!”

As one, the entire herd of ponies began to move. The guards took up a loose position around the group, looking more like escorts than guardians. They would check corners and hallways, but their demeanor was relaxed, almost bored. The Healers walked in the center of them, neither stumbling nor bumping into each other despite having the metal masks covering their eyes. They conversed softly together, exchanging notes on clipboards—again, despite the masks. One of them pushed Primrose along, who looked quite content to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Luna and I made our way along near the back of the group. As she walked, Luna continued to sip at her coffee mugs as they floated by. After the fifth instance of it, I gave her a sidelong look. “If you’re that tired, why are you still up? I thought you usually slept during the day.”

“Tis true that we are up later than usual,” Luna said. “But Celestia is busy and we agreed that one of us should be here to greet you. Once we’ve arrived though, we shall retire to our chamber for slumber. We might not be fully rested tonight, but it shan’t hinder our ability to hold Lunar Court and tend to our subjects’ dreams. Which reminds us!” Her horn lit up and she pulled a rounded bottle out of her mane. The cyan liquid inside glowed neon and bubbled as though it was carbonated.

“Here, drink this,” she said as she uncorked it.

I gave her a bemused look. “What is it—hurk!”

The question was still leaving my mouth when she shoved the bottle’s opening into my mouth. The liquid flooded down my throat, bringing with it the taste of blueberries and old, moldy socks. Just as soon as it started, the bottle was empty and back in Luna’s mane.

Coughing and hacking, I rubbed the back of my hand against my mouth. “What the… bluh, what was that?”

“Something that should help you in the long run,” Luna said matter of factly.

“But what was it?” I pressed.

“Don’t worry,” came the reply. “We suggested it to your assigned Healers and they approved of its use.”

“But what was it?!”

“Something that was requested for your health,” Luna tsked.

I glared at her a moment before shaking my head. “Next time, tell me what it is beforehand and let me drink it myself.” Making a face, I spit a glob of slightly-luminous saliva out a nearby open window. “God, what is with you ponies and doing things without permission first?”

“And what about the human that does things without thinking them through first?” Luna asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Touché.”

The rest of the journey passed uneventfully and it wasn’t long before we were in the medical ward, hooked up to various machines. Shirtless, I had multiple wires stuck to my chest while a Healer pressed her ear to my back, listening as I took deep breaths. A cuff around my arm was taking my blood pressure while a cloud of magic around the opposite wrist monitored my pulse.

Across the room, Primrose was hooked up in a similar fashion. The bandages around her chest had been peeled off, revealing her still-healing wound. The craters had closed further and no longer appeared to be seeping any liquids. It still looked a little tender though. She also had triple the number of Healers that I did.

As the Healers tended to us, Luna stood off in the corner, struggling to keep her eyes open. It wasn’t until she almost face-planted that one of the Healers spoke up. “Your highness. We can take it from here. You may retire if you so wish.”

“Very well,” Luna yawned. “We shall return to our chambers. Good luck, friend Max and Captain Primrose.”

“Ex-captain,” Primrose reminded her, but she was already gone in a poof of magic and stars.

I shook my head before glancing over my shoulder at the Healer currently using my back as a pillow. “So, uh… how’s it going?”

“Your lungs sound good,” she said, her furry cheek pressed against my bare skin. Her fiery-red mane cascaded about, tickling my flesh and sending goosebumps rippling across my limbs. “The airflow sounds normal. No blockage, no fluid, and no wheezing. Does it still hurt to breathe?”

I took a deep breath and held it. “Uh, no. I don’t feel any pain.”

“Good,” she hummed, pulling away. “Your ribs appear to have healed nicely. How’s the leg? Any pain or discomfort?”

“Only if I use it a lot,” I said. “It tends to be stiff though.”

She nodded while jotting something down on a clipboard held in her magic. “That’s completely normal. The stiffness will go away the more you use it. No difficulty walking though? Any awkward gaits?”

“I limp when I walk?” I shrugged.

“Hmmm, that’s not unusual, especially for a leg injury. Still, something to keep an eye on,” she mumbled. The Healer that had been checking my pulse and blood pressure passed her some paperwork, which she clipped to the board as well. Studying it, she nodded to herself. “Other than that, everything else looks good. Your blood pressure is close enough to the normal we have on record for you, courtesy of your previous guards.”

From across the room, Primrose lifted a hoof as if raising an invisible glass.

“You weren’t even there for that,” I called to her.

“Yes I was,” she shot back. “We were playing cards while Ebony and Twilight did their thing.”

“You were?” I stroked my beard for a moment. “Oh yeah! Right, right, right. You were there for the vitals. It was the Lyra event that you missed out on.” Turning back to the Healer, I gave her a smile. “Sorry, you were saying?”

Shaking her head, she continued. “Your blood pressure matches our records, as does your pulse and your temperature. Everything appears to be healing correctly. All that’s left is to get a couple of blood samples from you so we can check for any anomalies.”

“Blood samples?” Upon her nodding, I groaned. “Great, I fucking hate needles.”

“Only one needle,” she corrected. “We can pull all the samples from the same port.” She took my arm in her magic and gently extended it. As she disinfected the crock of my arm, another Healer approached with the needle and a few empty vials.

“Still hate needles,” I grunted.

The Healer gave me a deadpan look, which was impressive, seeing as she had her blindfold mask on. “You willingly—of your own volition, might I remind you—impaled a sanguinarian pegasus onto your neck so that she could feed. How are medical needles any worse?”

“Needles. Suck.”

“Whatever you say,” the Healer sighed. “It doesn’t really matter at this point. It’s already in.”

I blinked before looking down at my arm, only to find the other Healer had indeed already stuck me with the needle and had already filled a vial and a half with blood. From across the room, the sound of wheezing laughter came from Primrose.

Rolling my eyes, I leaned back in the chair as they took what they needed. Within a few minutes, the needle was out and the site was covered in a piece of cotton and a bandage strip. As the secondary Healer wandered off with the full vials, the Healer that had been tending to me helped me stand. “It’ll take a few hours for us to run the tests. We should have the results by evening, so if you just want to wait around the palace, we’ll have you discharged before the sun sets.”

“So, I’m free to go?” I asked.

“Yes,” the Healer said slowly. “So long as you return here in a few hours for the results.”

“Cool.” I glanced over at Primrose, only to find her still being examined. The Healers’ horns were glowing and the crater in Primrose’s chest was pulsing with the different colored magicks. She looked up at me with dark bags under her red eyes. A small smile touched her lips. “You can go. I’ll probably just catch up on some sleep while they’re doing this.”

“You sure?” I asked, only for her to nod. “Alright then. I’ll catch you later. I’m going to see if I can find something to eat.” Grabbing my cane, I headed for the door.

Stepping out into the hall, I closed the door behind me and was just beginning to wonder if it would be worth it to go to the kitchens to find food—and if the head chef would recognize me—when I was distracted by a door opening further down the hall. A gray pegasus stallion with a short cut brown mane stepped outside, a parcel tucked beneath his wing. A gray-green military cap was perched on his head, the black emblem of a sunrise on its front.

He turned to head off down the hall, only to do a double-take upon seeing me. Slowly, a grin spread across his muzzle.

I eyed him warily as he approached.

“Excuse me, sir, but you wouldn’t happen to be the Anomaly, would ya?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I said slowly. “Who’s asking?”

Reaching up, he tipped his cap to me. “I’m First Lieutenant Cloud Stacker, sir. And I believe there’s somepony you just have to come and see.”

Chapter 16: Old Friends and New Scars

For a moment I stared down at the stallion before leaning back and opening the door to the medical room again. Never taking my eyes off him, I called back over my shoulder. “Hey, Prim. Got a question for you.”

“W-what… oh, yeah? What is it?” came the reply.

“Do you know who this guy is?” I asked, stepping to the side so she could get a better look. It was a shot in the dark, but I figured it was worth an attempt.

She was silent for a few seconds before answering. “Yeah, I believe so. If I recall correctly, he’s one of the members of the Coming Dawn. Avera’s old crew. That’s their emblem on his cap. Stack’em or something like that.”

“Ma’am,” the stallion called into the room, nodding his head and tipping his cap.

“Cool, cool,” I said. “Hey, listen. I’m gonna go with him for a bit, so if I go missing, he’s the one you need to hunt down and interrogate, okay?” This earned me a confused look from the stallion.

“Can do, chief.”

“Awesome.” With that, I closed the door again. Turning to the stallion—Stacker—I tapped the tip of my cane on the floor, the rubber stopper sticking slightly to the marble. “Alright then. I guess the next question is where are we going and who are we seeing, exactly?”

“Just follow me, sir,” he said with a roll of his eyes, yet I could see the corners of his mouth twitching upwards. “It won’t take long, and I’m sure she’ll be over the moon to see, er… that is to say, meet you again. Come on, I’ll show you the way.” With that, he trotted off down the hall, the small package still under his wing.

I hesitated for just a moment before limping after him.

We moved through the corridors of the palace, occasionally running into maids or patrolling guards. They paid us no mind—the maids continued their cleaning while the guards just nodded to Stacker as they passed.

At first, I thought that perhaps Stacker was leading me to the barracks or even to the castle’s apartments. It wasn’t until we reached the main hall that I realized we were actually going to be leaving the castle entirely.

Stopping on the threshold of the massive golden doors, I shook my head. “Um, no. I think not.”

Stacker paused, already starting down the steps towards the gates to the city. Blinking, he stared up at me. “What’s wrong?”

“We’re leaving the palace grounds?” I asked. When he nodded, I continued. “Why are we leaving the palace grounds? I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with that, given what happened last time.”

“We aren’t going that far, sir,” Stacker said. Turning, he pointed at a group of buildings off in the distance, just barely visible above a small grove of trees. “That there’s an apartment complex where many of the older guards live. It lets us have private lives outside of work away from the palace, but also lets us be close enough in case of emergencies. It’s about a five-minute walk.” He eyed my cane. “Give or take.”

I eyed the buildings before looking at the guard standing on the left side of the door. “Is that true? Those are guards’ apartments?”

The guard nodded. “Yes, sir. Mostly higher-ranking members, but anypony can request an apartment there. Well, besides new recruits. They need to stay on palace grounds during training.”

Chewing on the inside of my check, I eventually sighed and nodded my head. “Alright, fine. I’ll go. I’m still not one-hundred percent sure you aren’t just going to harvest my organs, but whatever.”

“You’re a strange individual,” Stacker said with a shake of his head, “but I can see why Avera likes you. And no, I’m not going to harvest your organs. I think my current roommate would murder me if I harvested your organs.”

“That makes me feel only… slightly better,” I huffed. “And you still haven’t told me who I’m going to see.”

Stacker just smiled before heading off down the stairs.

The trip did take a little longer than five minutes, but that was mostly due to the fact that the road wasn’t a straight line. It twisted and curved around a small, natural park that was located next to the apartment complex. I didn’t have much trouble walking it, mostly because we were going down a small incline, so gravity helped me along. Going back to the castle would be an issue, but that was Future Max’s issue.

The main problem came when we reached Stacker’s building. His apartment was located on the fourth floor, with only a stairwell to reach it. Well, there was a balcony entrance to the apartment itself, something that pegasi could use to come and go from the upper apartments. Stacker offered to carry me up, but I declined, choosing instead to take my time climbing the steps. I had to stop twice to rest my leg, but it was really no different than climbing the stairs back at the library.

Stacker was waiting patiently for me at the top of the stairs. Motioning with his head, he led me down the hall to the last door on the right. Apparently, the door wasn’t locked, as he just pushed it open and entered, calling as he did so. “Hey, it’s me. I’m back from the palace.”

“Welcome back,” came a voice from inside the apartment. “Did you get the eye drops? My eyes are getting a little itchy again.”

“Eeyup,” Stacker nodded. “Got your medicine right here. Also, I brought a guest with me!”

“Oh? A guest? Is it somepony I might know?”

Wait… I know that voice! Perking up, I quickly followed Stacker inside the apartment. It didn’t take long to find the speaker—she was camped out on the couch, sitting in a patch of sunlight with a blanket across her lap. I opened my mouth to call out to her, a smile on my face, only for it to vanish when I managed to get a closer look at her. Instead, I could only whisper out a hoarse, “Jesus Christ… what happened to you?”

Sunny Breeze blinked her dull violet eyes, the sightless orbs staring blankly out at the world. Her once vibrant irises were dull and faded, and the pupils were just mere pinpricks. The flesh around the sockets was scarred, the fur sparse and brittle. The entire left side of her face was covered in a thin layer of fuzz—a clear indication that it had been recently shaved. And to wrap it all up, her once-frizzy, yellow mane was now limp and cut extremely short.

At my whisper, her ears twitched and swiveled to face the source of the sound. She turned her head in my general direction before smiling weakly. “Oh, um… h-hello. I don’t, um… think we’ve met before. Are you in the guard as well?” Her eyes darted back and forth uselessly, trying and failing to see who she was talking to.

I glanced over at Stacker, who just nodded towards Sunny before heading into the adjacent kitchen with the package. The sound of rustling paper came a moment later.

“Errr, I… uh….” I chewed on the inside of my cheek before slowly moving further into the room. “No, I’m not in the guard. And we have definitely met before. Several times, in fact.”

Sunny’s muzzle scrunched up and her brow furrowed. “R-really? Are… are you sure? I don’t recognize your voice at all, and I’m usually good at remembering things like that.”

“Yeah, well…” I smirked as I glanced aside. “I wasn’t much of a talker for a while, so it’s understandable you don’t remember. Here, this might help.” Moving to stand in front of the couch, I considered her for a moment before crouching down. There was something I wanted to try—something I had read once back on Earth. Reaching out, I gently picked up one of her forelegs in my hand. She flinched at my touch, but relaxed, a curious look flashing across her sightless eyes.

Lifting her hoof, I placed the sensitive frog against my left cheek.

“What are you… wait, a human?” Sunny’s face scrunched up again. “I don’t understand. What are you getting… at…?” As she spoke, her hoof brushed over my face. She trailed off as she found the beginning of my scar. Slowly, her frog traced the line across my face, over my nose, and up to my right eye. I closed my eyelid as her hoof stopped over it.

For a moment, she was still, but then all of a sudden she gasped. “M-Max?!”

“Hey there, Sunny-Buns,” I said with a smile. “How’s it going, little mare—gah!” I almost fell backward onto my ass as she lunged forward suddenly, wrapping her forelegs around my neck in a crushing hug.

“H’ohmygosh!” she squealed, burying her face in my shoulder. “H’ohmygosh! What are you doing here? How have you been? When did you start talking?! What happened to you!? H’ohmygosh!”

“What happened to me?” I asked as I returned the hug. “What happened to you?” Leaning back, I rubbed my thumb against the left side of her face. “Your poor eyes. Your face. What the hell happened to you?”

Blinking her blind eyes, Sunny’s smile faded for a moment before returning in full force. “I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to if you tell me what you’ve been up to.”

“Deal,” I said. “Now, move over. Need to get comfy.” Collapsing down onto the couch, I began to make myself comfortable, only for Sunny to suddenly flop bodily into my lap. She snuggled up against me, her back resting against my stomach.

“Who’s going first?” she asked as Stacker walked back into the room. He paused upon seeing where Sunny was, only for a smirk to cross his muzzle a moment later. Shaking his head, he walked up to me and silently handed me a small eye drop bottle before taking a spot on a recliner in the corner.

As I turned the bottle about in my hands to read the directions, I hummed. “Hmmm, how about you go first? What have you been up to since I saw you at the beginning of estrus?” Uncapping the spout, I held the bottle over her right eye and gently squeezed the sides.

“Well, after we met in Canterlot and you and Princess Celestia left to talk about Darkflar—oh! Oh, that’s cold! Cold cold cold!” She blinked rapidly as the medicine pooled in the corner of her eye. “You could have warned me before you did that!”

“Oh, don’t be a baby,” I chided. “It’s just eye drops. Now, you were saying?” Hovering the bottle over her other eye, I waited for her to stop blinking.

“Anyways,” Sunny continued, “after we left you and the Princess, Stacker and I went to—gah! Cold! Why is it cold?!” After promising her that I was done putting drops in her eyes, Sunny began to regale me with her story. She filled me in on everything that had happened to her to the best of her ability, with Stacker chiming in every now and then to help clarify some points.

I lost track of time as Sunny spoke about stopping two assassins that had apparently been sent to off me, to finding out where Darkflare had been hiding, to her and the Coming Dawn finding Riddick’s old lab deep inside the mountain. After she reached the part about the explosion that took her vision from her, Stacker took over the storytelling.

At some point during their tale, a haggard-looking human male wandered into the room. Patches of his hair had fallen out and he was covered in various scars. Giving me a quick glance, he then settled down on the carpet right in the middle of the patch of sunlight. Soon, his gurgling snores provided background noise as we talked.

“Wow,” I whistled as Stacker wrapped up their tale. “You guys have been busy.”

“You could say that,” Stacker said with a grin. “From what I’ve heard from the rumor mill though, you’ve been busy as well, sir.”

“Yeah, come on!” Sunny chimed in from her place in my lap. “Tell us why you’re talking and stuff! Last I checked, you were mute and using hoof-language. What happened?!”

“Oh boy!” Shaking my head, I tightened my hold around Sunny’s stomach, pulling her closer against my chest. “Hold onto your butts. Have I got a weird story for you!”

Chapter 17: To Walk Two Moons

“No way!”

“Yes way.”

“There’s no way you did that!”

“It’s the truth.” I raised my hand, my face solemn, although the effect was lost on the now-blind Sunny. “Right across her face. Open hand. A nice, echoing slap.” Lowering my hand, I gave Stacker a sheepish look. “Granted, I don’t think I actually hurt her and Luna then proceeded to blast me down the hall. All-in-all, though, if I could go back and do it all again, I would.”

“I can’t believe it,” Sunny said, the awe clear in her voice. “You slapped Princess Celestia. You slapped Princess Celestia.” Her face scrunched up. “You slapped Princess Celestia!”

“That’s the part of the story you find the hardest to believe?” Stacker asked, cocking an eyebrow. “Not the rest of the things? Getting hit with the Elements of Harmony, discovering that there were a bunch of Terran humans in the caves beneath Canterlot, fighting a massive Discord. No, it’s that he slapped the Princess.”

“You can’t just slap a Princess!” Sunny squawked, turning her head in Stacker’s direction.

“Why not?” I asked. “I’ve done it before to a different princess and she didn’t complain.” I paused as I pretended to consider something. “Well, that’s not entirely true. She did moan, but for a completely different reason.”

The apartment was quiet for a moment as both of them worked out what I had just said, but then—

“M-M-Max!” Sunny squeaked, her face turning bright red. The blush was especially noticeable on the recently-shaved half of her face, the skin more noticeable through the thin hairs. “You can’t just… h’ohmygosh! Why would you… what If Twilight heard… no!”

Stacker could only sputter and cough, as he had been taking a drink of water when he figured it out. Putting the glass down, he pounded on his chest as he gasped for air.

“What?” I asked, looking between the two. “Oh, don’t paint me as the bad guy here. She was asking for it! She said, and I quote, ‘spank me, daddy, I’ve been a naughty’—ouch!” Rubbing the cheek that Sunny had just buffeted, I laughed. “Okay, fine! I’ll stop. I’ll stop!”

Sunny’s cheeks were still puffed, but she settled back down in my lap. Crossing her forelegs, she mumbled under her breath.

“Anyways,” I said as I went back to scritching behind her ears, which earned me a happy coo from her, “that’s about where I am right now. After that, it’s just been a few weeks of lounging around the library as I recover. Other than that, nothing really interesting has happened since.”

“Nothing?” Stacker asked.

I shook my head. “Mmmm, nope. Well… maybe. There is this one Equestrian human that’s taken up residence in the library with us named Pyreste—”

thud thud thud

A sudden series of loud knocks on the door interrupted what I was going to say. I stared at the door for a moment before glancing at Stacker. “Are you… expecting company?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” he said slowly. Our eyes met before he slowly got to his hooves and moved to the door. Peering out of the peephole, he was still for a moment before a look of confusion flashed across his face. “What in the…?”

“What is it?” Sunny asked, cocking her head around, her ears perked.

“Lunar Guard,” came the reply as Stacker unlocked the door. Swinging it open, he gave the two guards on the other side a cool look. “What can I do for you, ladies?”

Craning my neck to see around him, I saw two ponies standing outside in the hall. One was a unicorn mare with a gray coat and white mane, while the other was a bat-winged mare with a gray coat and dark-green mane. Both were wearing the standard lavender armor of the Lunar Guard and both had glowing red eyes.

The unicorn nodded her head before speaking, her voice soft but with a hint of authority behind it. “Sorry for the intrusion. I am Captain Dark Knight and this is Nightingale. We were informed that the Anomaly was last seen leaving with a First Lieutenant Cloud Stacker. We’re here to escort him back to the palace.”

Stacker turned to look back at me, which drew the gazes of the two guards to me. It was probably a strange sight—me with a blind pony nestled in my lap and a blanket bunched around us like a nest—but to their credit, they barely batted an eye.

“Oh good, you are here,” the unicorn said. “Now, if you’d come with us, please.”

I didn’t move. “Why? Did something happen?”

The guards looked between each other before the unicorn answered. “Sir, the Healers have been looking for you for about an hour. Your lab work is done, and your companion is finished with her treatment.”

Blinking, I glanced over at the window, only to find the world enveloped in a deep orange hue as the sun nearly touched the horizon. Shadows had deepened, and the few clouds present were alight like floating embers as the last light of the day illuminated them against the darkening sky.

“Holy sh… Is it really that late already?” I mumbled. “Where has the time gone?”

Sunny shifted about in my lap. “Awww, already? It feels like you just got here.” She pouted and crossed her forelegs. Tears began to well up in the corner of her eyes. “This is a load of horseapples.”

“Hey, don’t cry, butterbutt,” I said. Giving her a squeeze, I ruffled her short mane. “Now that I know where you are, visiting should be easier. And you can still come visit me too whenever you are able to get up and about again.”

“I suppose…” Sighing, Sunny climbed out of my lap and settled at the other end of the couch. “Still wish you could have stayed longer.”

Standing up, I stretched only to wince as my back and leg joints popped loudly. A quick massage of my bad leg worked the stiffness out of it and I was able to bend down to pick up my cane. “That would be nice, but I think I’ve taken advantage of Stacker’s hospitality a little too much today.”

“It isn’t a bother, sir,” Stacker said. “It was just nice being able to see her smile and be all excitable again.”

I grinned. “She’s adorable, isn’t she?”

“A-adorable?!” Sunny squealed and her face turned a nice crimson before she buried herself beneath the blankets. “I am not… you can’t just… don’t you have to be leaving now?”

Laughing softly, I waved goodbye to Stacker before following the guards out the door.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

A Healer was waiting for us in the main hall when we got back. The guards were in the process of being changed, the golden-armored ponies being replaced with lavender-armored ones. Maids were changing the banners out, Celestia’s white and yellow ones giving way for Luna’s dark blue and silver.

The Healer was seated in the middle of the chaos, her ear twitching whenever another pony walked by. As I limped towards her though, she stood and moved to meet me. “Good, you’re back. You were making us nervous.”

“That’s my job, apparently,” I said as I gazed around, taking in the activity. A maid waved at something down a nearby corridor and I blinked in surprise as a female human walked out of the shadows to help. With the maid directing her, they were both able to get a particularly difficult banner down and folded.

“You might want to consider a career change then,” the Healer said, adjusting her blindfold mask.

“I’ll be sure to tell Twilight.” Giving the maid and the human one last look, I returned my attention to the Healer. “So, what’s the news, doc? Am I going to be able to play the piano?”

“If you were able to do so before, you’ll be able to do so still,” the Healer sighed. “We weren’t checking your hands. We were checking your blood, and the lab came back relatively normal.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Relatively normal?”

“You have to understand,” the Healer replied, “with your unique physiology, the only baseline we have to go off of is the paperwork your guards provided us, as well as what little information we could glean from you during your previous stay. When we compared your blood work to the records we have on file, they were close enough to be considered normal.”

“That’s good.”

“However—” she held up a hoof “—there was one discrepancy we found. Your cholesterol levels have risen since last we checked. Not an alarming amount, mind you, and nothing we’re concerned about. It is a noticeable amount though, and if left unchecked, it could be a problem.”

“So, what should I do then?”

“We believe it will return to the previous levels as you become more active,” she said. “Your stationary lifestyle during your recovery is the probable cause of the spike. Once you’re mobile again, everything should return to normal.”

I perked up. “So, that means my leg is good to go, right?”

The Healer nodded slowly. “Yes, for the most part. Just please… take it easy. No running any marathons, no fighting or wrestling, and definitely no mountain hiking. Absolutely no strenuous activities whatsoever. Just take it slow, take it easy, and work your way up. We don’t want to see you back here again because you were careless and injured your leg further.”

“Gotcha.” I nodded. “Tell Twilight she has to be on top for a while.”

The Healer sighed again and shook her head. “You’re free to go. Your companion went with Princess Luna while they were waiting for you. They said they’d meet you in the private living quarters when you were ready. Princess Luna said you’d know the place. You stayed there the last time you were here.”

I had to think for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, I think I can figure out how to get there.”

“Then we are done here.” With that, the Healer turned and walked off.

It took me longer to find the royal living quarters than I would like to admit. It probably had something to do with the fact that I took the wrong staircase somewhere along the way. Why this place needed so many hallways and stairways I’ll never know, but I eventually arrived in a corridor I recognized.

The hall was dimly illuminated, with only every-other lantern flickering. By now the sun outside had set, and faint moonlight streamed through the stained-glass windows. Bouquets of lavenders hung from the support pillars, filling the air with a pleasant aroma.

As I walked, I mused over the day’s events, and a smirk touched my lips as I muttered to myself. “See? I can do stuff without things going to shit. I went out by myself today and nothing bad happened. All I need to do is find Primrose and we can go home. I’m already in the castle. What could possibly go wrong?” Reaching the end of the hall, I turned around the corner…

...only to find another empty hallway. Or at least, it looked empty at first. About halfway down the corridor, I came across another maid along with two humans; a male and a female. She was speaking in hushed tones to them, her face scrunched in annoyance. “No, no, no. Floooral, got it? My name is Floral Arrangement. Floor-al A-range-ment. Try it again, please.”

The female human blinked before cocking her head to the side. “Laurel?”

The male on the other hand just slowly nodded his head. “Yanny.”

“No!” the maid huffed, stomping her hoof in an adorable fashion. “That’s incorrect! Floral. Floral. My goodness, I’ve heard you say more complicated things. Why is my name so hard?”

Both humans chirped before moving and sandwiching the mare in a massive hug.

“Yanny,” the female cooed, rubbing her cheek against the mare’s mane.

“Laurel,” the male added.

The mare’s face exploded in a blush, but she smiled all the same. “You two are lucky you’re so helpful and friendly, otherwise I might have replaced you.”

Leaving the three of them to their bonding, I quietly snuck around them and continued down the hallway. If memory served, the dining room was nearby. Seeing as there were some comfy cushions to sit on, I figured I’d wait there for Luna and Primrose to find me. Maybe I could even get some food too, if I was lucky.

Rounding the corner again, I saw my intended destination at the end of the new hall. I started towards it, only for the door next to me to open suddenly. Celestia stepped out, her face buried in a scroll and her horn glowing. I opened my mouth to shout a warning, but it was too late. She glanced up at the last moment, and her eyes widened in alarm. She even tried to correct her course but it was all for naught.

Unable to stop ourselves, we crashed into one another, sending each other to the floor in a heap of limbs. There was an explosion of blinding purple light as the magic around her horn fired off. The world spun and my stomach was squeezed by an unseen force.

I laid there, my eyes shut tight as I waited for the floor to stop shifting. Even though my closed eyelids I could still see stars dancing about my vision. Eventually it began to subside, although I still felt off. Hopefully I didn’t break anything in the fall. I’m sure the Healers would chew my head off if I showed up in the hospital wing again.

Struggling to sit up, I groaned. “Ugh… fuck me—!” The words caught in my throat as I spoke. Only… it wasn’t my voice. It was softer, more feminine, and very, very familiar. Alarm welled up inside of me and grew worse when I felt twin twitches at my side as a pair of appendages I didn’t have before suddenly moved.

“Oh… oh no!” came a male voice from in front of me. My eyes flew open and I was greeted by a sight that added to my already-growing horror.

There, sitting across from me with the same stunned expression on their face… was me.

Chapter 18: To Walk Two Moons, part 2

For a long moment, silence filled the hall as we both stared wide-eyed at each other. A small part of my mind dimly noted just how weird it was to see my own body moving on its own without me being in it. It felt… off. The scar on my face crossed in a different direction and went to the opposite eye than it did when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Everything about me looked reversed and the sight was jarring.

The main part of my mind didn’t really care about these little things though—it was too busy letting out a high-pitched scream while banging its fists against the inside of my skull.

We remained still for a few more seconds before suddenly moving at the same time.

“What did you do?!” I—she—he… Me-Celestia shouted.

“What do you mean, what did I do?!” I yelped, a pair of wings I couldn’t control flaring up by my sides. “What did you do? What kind of spell was that to be casting while you were just walking around, oblivious to the world?!”

“What?” CelestiMax said as she struggled to sit up. She seemed to be having trouble staying upright and ended up sitting in a weird, cross-legged fashion with her/my hands braced on the floor like a pair of forelegs. “Oh no. This is not my fault. It was a simple transcribing spell, nothing more! It’s only function is to put my thoughts down onto paper so I can go over them again at a later time!”

“Yeah, well… apparently you fucked it up!” I tried to adjust myself into a more comfortable position but just ended up feeling like I was sitting like a dog. Damn, I forgot how uncomfortable it was being a pony.

“Magic isn’t easy to use, okay!?” she/he snapped. “There’s a reason why it takes years of practice to use even some basic spells. If you don’t know how the magic formulas work and don’t follow the steps perfectly, it has very drastic, very unexpected outcomes!” Struggling to her/my feet, she had to brace herself against a support pillar to keep herself upright. “Why do you think not everypony can do the same level of magic as the Battlemages? Because they aren’t mentally conditioned or prepared to do so! There’s a reason we start teaching unicorn foals so young!”

She took a few tentative steps away from the wall and after a moment of wobbling, seemed to be able to keep her feet. In fact, she seemed to be getting a handle on being bipedal faster than I was remembering how to be a quadruped.

“Fuck…” I grunted as I tried to maneuver my four hooves underneath me. Not only were my legs longer than they were last time, but now I had a pair of wings as well that were making balancing a nightmare. They opened and closed sporadically whenever my back muscles twitched.

“Fix this!” I snapped at her after I collapsed back onto the floor for the third time.

“Weren’t you listening?” she huffed, crossing her arms over my/her chest. Okay, this was getting difficult to keep straight. “For one thing, we can’t just ‘fix this’. I have no idea how this—” she pointed between us with a closed fist “—even happened. We’d need to find the proper spell or else we’d risk making this worse.”

“Worse than it already is?”

“Have you ever seen a pony teleported into a wall?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not pretty. We can’t just go about casting spells at random and hoping for the best. And for another thing, in case you haven’t completely processed our situation yet—” she waved a closed fist about in front of her face “—I don’t exactly have my horn anymore!”

I froze, my eyes going cross-eyed as I tried in vain to look up at the horn now jutting out of my forehead. “I-I… I don’t know how to use magic! Are you telling me we’re stuck like this until I learn?! That’s going to take ages!”

“No. Most certainly not,” CeleMaxia said as she wobbled over to me. Slipping an arm under my barrel, she helped me to my hooves. “This is not permanent. We just need to… need to… um…” She trailed off and an unsure look crossing her face.

“We need help,” I said. “Twilight or Luna or even—”

“No!” she shouted sharply, causing me to jump and nearly collapse again. “No, we can not tell anypony about this mishap!”

“Why not?!”

“Do you have any idea the field day the press would have if they found out about this?” she asked as she began to pace. Reaching up to rub her chin, she flinched upon coming in contact with my beard. Making a disgusted face, she turned about to face me again. “And that’s not to mention… no. No, the fewer ponies that know that we’ve switched bodies, the better.”

I shook my head. “I have no idea how we’re going to keep this quiet. If you can’t use magic and I don’t know how to… we’re going to need a third party eventually.”

“Yes, yes we are,” she agreed. “We’ll include Lulu in this when we find the proper spell. Until then, we just act like nothing happened. We can work this out. It just looks worse than it actually is. We just need to find the spell to reverse this mix-up and we’ll be fine.” A thoughtful look crossed her face. “It shouldn’t be too hard to find either. The Archives would be a good place to start. There’s a section just for spells. As long as we stick together, we should be able to—”

Both of us froze as a shout came from down the hall. “Ah! There you are! We were looking for you.”

Luna trotted down the hall, accompanied by a swaying Primrose who had a dopey smile on her face. A thin trail of smoke was still coming from the corners of her mouth, and her eyes were bloodshot. She giggled as she bumped unsteadily into Luna’s flanks.

“We were beginning to become worried over your absence,” Luna said as the pair reached us. Glancing at Max-Tia, she smirked. “We half expected you to be in trouble somewhere. Although, can you blame us, given your track record?”

“Uhhh…” She/he glanced over at me. “Thanks?”

“There he is!” Primrose giggled. “We’ve been, um… been… we’ve been looking for, um… something.” She paused, a blank look crossing her face and her eyes dimming, only for her to perk up upon looking at “Princess” Max again. “There he is!”

“Is she okay?” I asked, and my ear twitched at the unfamiliarity of my new voice.

Luna nodded. “Of course, dear sister! Although—” she looked down at the swaying batpony “—the Healers might have given her a bit too much of her medication. They did assure us, however, that she should mellow out in a few hours.”

Giggling, Primrose turned and began to stumble away from the group, but Luna unfurled a wing and pulled her back to her side.

“As you can see though,” Luna continued, “until that time she’s quite the hoofful. We nearly lost her over a balcony railing earlier. We recommend getting these two back to Twilight as soon as possible to both avoid potential injuries and so that they might rest.”

Me-Lestia cleared her throat and gave me a pointed look, subtly nodding her head in Luna’s direction. I floundered for a moment, mouth opening and closing, before choking out. “M-maybe… maybe we, er…they… that is to say, maybe we should allow them to stay the night?” At Sunny-Me’s minute nodding, I continued. “It’s getting rather late, and I think it would be better if they stayed here until morning.”

Luna scratched her chin with the back of her hoof. “You make a good point, sister. It is rather late for them to take a train, and it’s rather dangerous to use the chariots at night. We don’t want either of them falling off in the dark.”

Himlestia breathed a sigh of relief.

“Exactly,” I said quickly. “It would be better if—”

“But fear not, dear friend!” Luna said, thrusting a hoof into the air. “We have another solution!”

“You do?” Sun-Brony and I asked at the same time, both of us bewildered.

“Indeed! We shall have you both home post-haste!” Wrapping a wing around Primrose, she moved her to stand right next to my Celestia-driven body—which currently had a worried look on her/my face.

“What are you doing?” she/I asked.

“Getting you home!” Luna chirped happily. “Now, do try and stand still, friend Max. And do be warned, teleportation can make one feel queasy afterward!”

“Teleportation?” Maxlestia looked confused for a moment before her/my eyes widened as Luna’s horn lit up. “Wait, Luna, no—!” She/I darted out a hand to stop the spell, but it was too late. In a flash of dark blue magic, both Primrose and my human body disappeared and I was left alone with Luna.

The magic around her horn faded and she turned to smile at me. “There! They have been returned home to Ponyville. Young Twilight might be surprised at their sudden arrival, but we think she shall like having her mate back for the night.”

Gnawing hard on the inside of my cheek—almost to the point where I could taste copper—I stared at her. After a moment, her smile faltered.

“Tia?” she asked. “Is… is something the matter?”

Finally easing up on the flesh inside my mouth, I sighed heavily and shook my head. “Moonbutt… why? Why you gotta fuck me over like that?”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“Are you finished yet?” I asked, deadpan. When I received no reply, I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Are you going to be alright? Do I need to get someone to get a Healer?” Again, no reply and I sighed. Looking down at my hooves, I grumbled. “Come on. It’s not that funny.”

At my hooves, Luna continued to roll about on the floor. This had been going on for several minutes now. She had started off laughing loud enough to make my ears hurt, but now no sound escaped her save for a high-pitched wheeze. Tears streamed down her face as she tried to get a much-needed lungful of air.

Sucking on my lip, I glared down at her. “Come on, Moonbutt. This is getting ridiculous.”

She waved her forelegs at me and silently shook her head, unable to make any noise other than the wheezing gasps. Rolling onto her stomach, she tried to crawl away from me but apparently didn’t have the strength to do so. Instead, she just squirmed on the floor, her wings slapping against the marble.

“Oh, come on! It’s not that funny!”

“N-no, please, stahp,” Luna finally managed to squeak out. “N-n-no more! We’re… we’re gonna pee!”

Clicking my teeth together, I growled out. “Luna, I swear to God, if you don’t get ahold of yourself, I’m going to fucking sit on your head and smother you.”

Luna paused long enough to glance at Celestia’s flank, only for her to start dying again. That was, until I suddenly flopped down upon her. Hard.

“Alright, alright!” she cried out, her voice muffled under my weight. “We yield! Cease crushing us immediately!”

Staggering to my feet, er… hooves with some difficulty, I huffed. “About damn time.”

“We apologize,” Luna said as she stood as well. A few persistent giggles escaped her, but she was finally able to compose herself. “We did not mean to make light of such a… serious situation.” She tried to keep a straight face for a moment, but cracks began to appear in her facade.

“Look,” I said, trying to cut off her impending giggle fit. “Is there anything you can do to fix this at the moment?”

“Neigh,” she said, shaking her head, “and unfortunately, we won’t be able to help tonight, as we have Lunar Court, which shall take up most of our time.”

“Great,” I grumbled. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

Luna smiled and shook her head. “Relax, friend Max. We shall take you to Tia’s sleeping quarters. You can stay there tonight, sleep, and we shall begin searching for a solution to this in the morning.” She paused, a thoughtful look crossing her muzzle. “That is, unless your mate figures out the proper spell before us. But that would require Tia telling her what has happened.”

“I doubt that’s going to happen,” I grumbled. When Luna gave me a confused look, I explained. “She didn’t want anyone finding out. Something about the backlash. She wasn’t even going to tell you until we had the spell to reverse this, so I highly doubt she’s going to tell Twilight what’s happened. In fact, she’s probably going to try and pretend she’s me until we sort this out.”

There came a ‘snrk’ from Luna’s direction, and when I looked over I saw her biting down on her lip, her chest twitching and spasming.

I glared at her before sighing. “Just take me to Celestia’s room.”

Not trusting herself to speak, Luna motioned with a wing for me to follow her. It wasn’t long before we were standing outside of Celestia’s bedroom, which was good as I was still rusty when it came to walking like a pony. I’m pretty sure the sight of her sister’s body swaying and staggering down the hall behind her like a newborn did nothing to help Luna’s composure, but she somehow managed to get us there without breaking down into laughter again.

Lighting up her horn, she pushed the door open a crack for me. “Here we are, and this is where we shall leave you. Sleep well, friend Max, and we shall figure this out first thing in the morning. If you need anything, do not hesitate to call on one of the maids.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, an ear flapping against my head. I watched her head off down the hall before turning my gaze back to the open door. I hesitated for a moment before letting out a long, drawn-out sigh.

Pushing the door open further with my head, I slipped inside and closed it behind me.

Chapter 19: To Walk Two Moons, part 3

Celestia’s room was roughly how I remembered it.

It was roughly circular in shape and rather large, given that it was a bedroom. Her desk rested next to an intricate-looking fireplace. On the opposite side of the fireplace from the desk stood a bookshelf, stuffed with various books, tomes, and manuscripts. A golden cage rested on top of the shelves, red and gold feathers littering the bottom. Across from them, a massive four-poster bed rested underneath a picture of a blood-red sunrise. The bed itself was circular as well and hidden comfortably behind curtains of lightish pink silk. Against the wall right across from the door I had just entered was a pair of double doors that opened out onto a balcony.

Moving further into the room, I stepped carefully around the plethora of pillows that were strewn across the carpeted floor.

“Well, at least I’ll have a soft landing if I fall,” I mumbled as I skirted around a pillow that was almost the same size as a child’s bed. Having two working eyes again was throwing me off, and I had to close the right one in order to stop myself from getting sick.

I stopped in the middle of the room and peered around, unsure of what to do exactly. Sleeping was always an option, but night had just recently fallen and I was used to staying up way later than this.

The desk or bookshelf could provide some entertainment, but upon closer inspection, I discovered that most of the material was a very dry read—old law books, references, and out-dated history books. And the scrolls on her desk looked to be laws that were in the process of being passed, so I made sure to leave those alone.

The birdcage was empty, so no entertainment there.

Good god… I didn’t think Celestia could get any more boring, but really? This was all she had? What did she do in her spare time? Actually, did she even have spare time? Her lack of anything ‘fun’ was going to be the end of me.

This was shaping up to be a very long night. I suppose I could always go out onto the balcony. Not sure what I’d do out there. Maybe stargaze? It was either that or stay here, and seeing as the only other doors led to either the hallway or her closets, I’d say the balcony was the best bet.

...

Wait… closets? Plural?

I glanced back and forth between the two doors on either side of the room. One was positioned next to the bed, so I’d assume that one was a closet. But the other one…

“Does she really have enough clothes to warrant a second closet?” I asked myself. The answer—no.

Walking gingerly over to said door, I lifted a leg to open it only to pause. I glared down at my hoof as I recalled one of the biggest annoyances to being a pony. Fucking hooves and doorknobs.

“This is bullshit,” I grumbled. Flopping my flank down, I squeezed the doorknob between my forehooves and began twisting. It took a few tries, but I was eventually gifted with a soft ‘click’ as the door began to swing open. “Fuck yes.” Getting to my hooves again, I nudged the door open and glanced inside, only to do a double-take a moment later. “What the…?”

My mouth hanging open, I stepped through the doorway and beheld the other side.

I found myself in a small, cozy apartment, complete with a reading nook, a full kitchen and island dining area—along with a fully stocked wine rack—and a large bathroom with a jacuzzi-style bathtub. Everything was simply built but had an air of elegance about it. It was an apartment built for comfort, not prestige.

Stunned, I wandered around the tiny space until I found myself in the kitchen. Curiosity took over and I cracked the fridge open to take a look inside. “Oh my…” Drool began to pool in the corners of my mouth at the contents. There was the standard—milk, eggs, fruits, vegetables, etc—but several of the upper shelves appeared to be exclusively for cake. Cheesecake, carrot cake, red velvet, black forest gateau, marble cake, mirror cake—so many cakes, so little space.

“Oh baby,” I murmured as I felt my tail swish back and forth. “This night just got a lot better.”

Closing the fridge door, I pulled one of the wine bottles off the rack. It was about halfway out of the rack when it slipped from my grasp and shattered on the floor, sending blood-red wine everywhere.

“Oops.” Wincing, I stared down at the mess of wine and glass. “Aw, fuck… I’ll, um… deal with that later.” Reaching out again—with both forehooves this time—I pulled a second bottle off the rack. Even with a second hoof, I fumbled with the bottle for a moment and it almost joined its predecessor on the floor, but I managed to recover in time.

Turning it over, I peered down at the label. The wine was listed as a full-bodied red wine and had a drawing of a vineyard on the side.

“Marebec, huh?” I hummed. Carefully lifting the bottle, I grabbed the cork in my teeth and pulled. After a moment of resistance, it popped out with a nice-sounding “thhhunk’. Spitting out the cork, I brought the mouth of the bottle to my lips and took a big swig.

“Aaahhh,” I breathed. “That’s the stuff. Now, let’s see what we’ve got to do around here.” Carrying the bottle carefully, I moved to the bookshelves and began to browse the selection. After a moment, I pulled out something that looked somewhat interesting. Upon reading the back though, I rolled my eyes.

“Really, Celestia? Trashy romance novels? Really?” Sighing, I shook my head before taking another sip from the wine bottle. “Well, it’s better than nothing. Let’s see how bad it is. Wait! I’ve got it!” A grin spread across my muzzle and my tail swished back and forth. “Drinking game. Take a drink every time something cringy or cliche happens. Let’s do this.”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“I don’t get it.” Seated in the reading nook, I looked over the book I had propped open on the small table before me. Alongside it, I also had a plate with different slices of cake upon it and the opened bottle of wine, a quarter of which was already drained.

Still engrossed in the book, I reached down and gingerly picked up the piece of velvet cake. Making sure to shake the loose crumbs off of it, I popped the whole thing in my mouth, the sweet, velvety taste coating my tongue. I had to chew slowly, the shape of my mouth just different enough to result in a bitten tongue or cheek several times already.

“Okay, sooo… what?” Swallowing what was in my mouth, I took a gulp from the wine bottle before turning the page of the book. My brow furrowed as I read the next few paragraphs, and I shook my head. “Okay, really. I don’t get it. What’s the big deal? Interspecies relationships are fine, okay, I get that. Same-sex relationships, same thing. Herds are accepted, yeah, okay. Harem style. That makes sense. But why… why… are reverse-herds frowned upon?”

Reading a little further, I felt my muzzle scrunch up. “Really? That doesn’t seem like Equestrian standards. Three females and one male are fine, but three males and one female are not? I thought Equestria was partly matriarchal. Wouldn’t reverse-harem situations be more popular?”

I grabbed another piece of cake and popped it into my mouth before turning the page again. A moment later, I snorted. “Okay, this is stupid. This better not be how things were back in the old days, because this is a load of bullshit. If Soft Petals wants to shack up with Iron Rod, Rock Steady, and Buff Hardback, then she should damn well be able to, and the other villagers be damned! Let the poor mare be a spitroast if she wants.” Swallowing the cake, I turned the page once more, only to let out a hoot. “Yeah! Go get ‘em, girl! Don’t let Twisted Hoof stop you!”

Smiling to myself, I lifted the wine bottle to my lips again and took a big mouthful. The delicious liquid was thick and cool as it ran over my tongue, and I hummed happily as I gulped it down. I got a little too eager though, and some dribbled down my chin and into my chest fur. Lowering the bottle, I peered down at the dark red streaks that marred the white fur. “Awww… fuck.”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

A low moan escaped me as I sunk further into the heated water. Several water jets thrummed against my back, causing my wings to spasm and twitch beneath the water. It felt weird having an extra pair of appendages along with a completely alien muscle group. I’d go to shift my shoulder and nearly topple over when a wing exploded open. Now though, the jets were working wonders, and all my muscles were starting to relax.

“Fuuuck yis,” I groaned, the back of my head resting on the lip of the tub. An ear twitched, and I couldn’t help but snicker. The words sounded strange when they came out in Celestia’s voice. An idea flashed through my head and my grin widened. “Fuck, shit, ass, tits, cock, penis, slut, cuuunt, bitch!” My ears twitched and swiveled as I kept up the vulgar deluge for a moment before lapsing into silence once more.

Letting out a low groan, I rolled over and rested my chest against the lip of the tub instead, a jet of water now gurgling against my chest fur. The position was awkward, my new hindlegs not used to the unusual angle, and it wasn’t long before a cramp formed in my right knee. Huffing softly, I pushed myself off of the edge and instead moved into the center of the tub.

The water was just deep enough to reach my shoulders and lap over the top of my back and withers. The dozens of water jets thrummed at me from all directions, creating a frothy whirlpool of bathwater around me. A couple of feathers sailed past, carried by the current. I watched them float around but did nothing to retrieve them. They drifted by a bar of soap that was nestled in a holder.

My smile waned slightly as I stared at the soap. Chewing on my lip, I glanced around to make sure that no one was watching and then, leaning down, I lapped at the purple bar.

“Ugh, fuck! Blaagh! Why the fuck…” Gagging, I scraped my tongue against my teeth before taking in a mouthful of water. After swishing it around for a moment, I spat it back into the bath. “Nope. Fuck. Pyresteed, how do you do it? That tastes horrible. Oh god, there’s a film over my lips now!”

Still trying to get the taste of soap out of my mouth, I used my hoof to pull the plug stopper out. The tub began to drain itself rather quickly, and soon I was standing in an empty basin. Pulling myself out, I looked around for a towel, only to find none. Before I could muse on this issue though, there was a burst of hot air from above. For a brief moment, I glowed orange, but then the magic faded and I was now completely dry—and a little bit puffy. Looking up, I noticed a pair of runes fading on the ceiling above.

“Huh… that’s kinda nifty,” I mumbled. My brow furrowed. “Wait… how come we don’t have that? Twilight’s supposed to be good with magic. Why am I manually drying myself off?” Grumbling to myself, I exited the bathroom.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Me and my second opened bottle of wine stood in front of the door. It was providing me with support, and I was providing it with a purpose. After all, it must be a lonely life, being a bottle on the rack with no one to talk to. Especially if your mouth was stuffed with a large cork.

Lifting the bottle to my lips, I whispered to it. “Are.. are you’s sure about this? There’s no telling what we’s find in there.”

The bottle said nothing, but did provide a wonderful mouthful of liquid courage.

“That’s a good point, Mr. Bottle,” I said, smacking my lips. “That’s a very good point. I’s like the way you, um… you’s think.” My face felt noticeably warm and the tip of my muzzle appeared to have taken on a pinkish hue.

Keeping my new friend close to my chest, I moved forward and jostled the door handle. After a few failed attempts, it clicked and the door swung inward. There was a spark of magic, and the room inside was illuminated in a faint, warm light.

I couldn’t help but let out a low whistle.

Celestia had a decent sized walk-in closet. It was slightly smaller than Twilight’s bedroom and circular in design. The various articles of clothing were grouped by color, with almost every color of the rainbow present, and each hanging from a closet rod that wrapped around the circumference of the room. The only exposed section of the wall was right across from the door, where a full-length mirror was located.

Wide-eyed, I stared around at the clothing, my mouth suddenly dry. Lifting up the bottle, I pressed it against my ear. “Last chance. If we do this, there’s no going back. And we don't speak of this to anyone, got it?” I hissed, glaring at the bottle. “Not a single soul. Got it?”

By its silence, I concluded that the bottle had agreed to keep its mouth shut.

“Alright,” I breathed. “Let’s… let’s do this.”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

After some difficult maneuvering—and a whole lot of muffled swearing and stumbling—I stood in front of the mirror and gawked at myself in the mirror. The clothing was a little wrinkled and disheveled, but still…

“Not bad,” I slurred, turning to the side to get a better view. A salmon-colored sash was draped around my neck and shoulders, while a dress of various shades of pink cascaded down my hindlegs. A saddle blanket rested over my back and rump, little sun symbols dotting the cloth.

Pirouetting, my wings spread as the dress flowed out behind me.

“Not bad at all,” I hummed.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

The royal purple dress stood out in stark contrast against my white fur. It billowed about my hips and thighs, giving me the appearance that I was a circus tent. White lace ran around the hem of the skirt and sleeves, and a belt of lace wrapped about my stomach. A high-necked collar of cloth rested behind my neck, forcing me to hold my head up high. A single large ruby in the shape of a heart rested against my chest, the gem stitched into the padded corset.

I eyed myself carefully for a moment before giving my reflection the evilest smile I could muster.

“Off with her head!”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

The crimson and gold robes hung about my frame, hiding most of my body from view. There was a hole in the hood through which my horn poked, allowing the opening to hang down to nearly my muzzle. An ornate golden crown clung to the back of my head, spikes protruding out in all directions like sunbeams. Baubles and golden jewelry clung to the clothing and jingled when I moved. To make things more awkward, most of the metal bits looked like bones.

I looked down at the outfit in concern.

“Note to self… never drink any kool-aid Celestia offers,” I grunted.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“Um… I, uh… um…”

You know, I’m not exactly sure why I decided to put this on. And I’m not sure how I feel about it now that I had it on. I’m not even sure I wanted to know when Celestia herself wore it.

Although, the magenta did look nice against my white fur…

A lovely shade of pink spread across my cheeks and, against my better judgement, I turned to get a better look at the outfit. As I moved, a shiver ran down my spine as the silken garment slid over my fur like liquid cloth. At my sides, my wings stuck out stiffly, twitching every few seconds.

“I… well, this is… um…”

A padded saddle-corset hybrid clung snugly to my barrel, squeezing my chest and stomach. How I managed to get it on, I had no idea, but it was definitely form fitting. It was attached to a pair of stockings on my hindlegs via a sturdy garter belt. Another pair of stockings were on my forelegs as well. Both hugged my legs and accentuated my thighs and rump. A leather-and-lace collar about my neck and a bridle about my muzzle completed the set.

My tail tucked itself between my legs as I stared at my reflection. In my chest, my heart fluttered and a curious heat spread out through my body. I had to admit, even though I wasn’t really attracted to Celestia in that kind of manner, the outfit was definitely doing something. Now, if the mare wearing it just happened to have a violet coat…

Something winked.

And it wasn’t my eye.

“H’o-o-okay!” I shouted shrilly, my pupil a pinprick. “Nope. Nuh-uh. Enough of that! Time to get this thing off!” Lifting a foreleg, I grabbed the stocking in my teeth and began to frantically tug on it, trying to pull it off. I stumbled awkwardly around the closet, trying desperately to remove the risque clothing as quickly as possible.

I had just managed to remove everything but the corset and the bridle when there came a gurgle from my lower stomach along with an uncomfortable pressure.

My ears splayed out to the sides as I realized what it was.

“Oh, come on…”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Laying in the large bed, I stared up at the roof of the four-poster bed, trying to erase the recent… event from my mind. It was not something I had needed to experience, but now it was something that would be difficult to forget. The sooner I got my body back, the sooner I’d never have to deal with it again.

Darkness hung over the room, the silk curtains around me appearing more deep purple than pink. Moonlight streaming through the balcony window illuminated the rest of the room, and I could just barely make out the other furniture as dark shadows through the curtains.

Despite the clock having chimed twice a while ago, I was still awake. I was exhausted, and I could feel the blessed relief of sleep teasing me, lurking on the edges of my consciousness, but I just couldn’t drift off.

As I lay there, waiting for the sweet kiss of slumber, I wondered how Celestia was doing down in Ponyville.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

She was Celestia. Sol Invictus. The Solar Princess. The Mother of Mercy. The Flaming Harbinger. So many names, so much history. She’d fought with gods and demons. She’d survived famines and plagues. She’d seen the end of dozens of civilizations and the births of multiple kingdoms. She’d brought low dragons and raised up paupers.

So much good, so much evil; she took it all in stride. In fact, she’d always prided herself in trying to experience most things the world had to offer. Experiencing more of this life than any other pony before her.

But this… this was not something she had ever wanted—or ever needed—to see.

Standing stock-still in the doorway to the bedroom, she stared wide-eyed at the sight before her.

“Hey, big boy,” Twilight giggled. Dressed in a school filly outfit, she grinned at her from over her shoulder. Wiggling her rump back and forth, she hiked her tail up higher. “I’ve been a naughty filly that needs to be punished.”

And lo, something that had failed to happen a thousand years ago came to pass.

The sun was bested by a moon.

Author's Note

I wasn't originally going to include a Celestia segment, but the scene came to mind one night and I had to put it in.

Chapter 20: To Walk Two Moons, part 4

As I slowly returned to the world of the living, something felt off. There was a strange cramp in my sides that I’d never felt before, and no matter which way I shifted, it never got better. Not only that, but my arms and legs felt stiff and awkward. To top it off, a dull ache permeated my head and neck, and the familiar, horrible taste of ‘morning-after-drinking’ was in my mouth.

Hello, booze-breath, my old friend…

Keeping my eyes closed, I rubbed my head against my pillow before stretching in an attempt to pop my joints. Instead of relieving the tension though, the action only seemed to make my stiffness worse. My shoulder twinged and I felt the muscles in my back pull taut, almost as if my arm wasn’t supposed to move that way at all.

Holy shit, did I sleep on it wrong?

As I lay there, half-heartedly trying to work the kinks and knots out of my body, and wondering why everything felt wrong, I heard the sound of a door clicking open and hoofsteps on a hard surface.

Oh good, I grumbled to myself. There’s Twilight to tell me I’m sleeping in too late again and then yell at me about my drinking. Not opening my eyes, I continued to rub my head against the pillow, trying and failing to scratch a particularly annoying itch. A yawn escaped me as I debated the pros and cons of getting up before Twilight could come over and start her spiel.

Instead of Twilight’s voice though, the hoofsteps moved past me before the sound of curtains being pulled open caught my ear, causing it to twitch and swivel about. Sunlight immediately hit my face, and I scrunched up my eyes in annoyance.

Oh, she’s going with that tactic, huh? Refusing to wake up just yet, my ear twitched again and I started to roll over.

…

Wait.

My ear moved?

It… it’s not supposed to do that.

My brow furrowed in confusion and after a moment of struggling, memories of yesterday’s events began to swim up to the surface. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m currently in the body of—

“Good morning, princess!” A loud—and distinctly not Twilight—voice suddenly cried right next to my head. “Goodness, aren’t you in bed late! Time to rise and shine, sleepyhead!”

“OH SHI—!” At the sound of the unknown voice, my heart rate skyrocketed immediately. Inhaling sharply, my eyes snapped open and a sudden burst of… something erupted from my core and shot up through my neck and head, straight into my forehead. A moment later, there was a bright flash of light followed by a concussive blast.

KA-THUUUM

...

Coughing, I struggled to my hooves, trying to extract myself from the remains of Celestia’s four-poster bed. Chunks of marble littered the floor and a thick haze of dust hung over the room, swirling and wafting out of the new, massive hole in the side of Celestia’s bedroom where it curled upwards into the air.

“What the… what the fuck happened?” I wheezed. Stepping through the hole and out onto the balcony, I glanced around, looking for the pony that had startled me. However, there was no sign of anyone outside, and upon sticking my head back through the hole, I couldn’t see anyone inside either. “Oh shit. I… I hope I didn’t vaporize someone…”

As pegasus guards began to circle the area, something in the sky caught my eye. Looking up, I studied it curiously. It was a long, thin line of vapor, almost like a contrail from a plane. Except, there were no planes in Equestria, and despite their flight capabilities, I had yet to see a pegasus create such a phenomenon.

Contemplating what I was seeing, I noticed that the contrail was lengthening, heading away from the castle. My head slowly tilted to the side before, with growing horror, it suddenly dawned on me what I was seeing.

Eyes widening in alarm, I turned and sprinted for the door, screaming as I did so. “Luuuna! Heeelp!”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“I am sooo so sorry.” Adrenaline still coursing through my system, I couldn’t help but dance on the tips of my hooves. I knew I probably looked ridiculous doing it, but it just felt… natural.

I wasn’t sure how close the mare had come to becoming a pancake in the time it had taken me to find Luna and explain what was happening (“Luna, help! Magic. Accident. Explosion! Pony space program! Not good!”), but several broken branches and leaves accompanied the pair when they teleported back into the castle.

Now the mare was crouched behind Luna, trying her hardest to hide from me. Her light gray coat was paler than usual, and her brown mane—once done up in a neat bun—was disheveled and hanging loosely about her shoulders. A pair of black-rimmed glasses sat skewed upon her muzzle.

Upon seeing that I was trying to catch a look at her, she squeaked and ducked down further behind Luna, who just rolled her eyes.

“Ms. Inkwell, enough of this,” she said, lifting a hoof and trying to step aside. The mare followed her though, like a foal trying to remain under its mother. “Cease this at once! We already explained it to you! This is not your fault. Our sister is not upset at you. She is just feeling under the weather and lost control of her magic when she sneezed, nothing more!”

“S-sorry, your majesty,” Raven stammered. “I know what y-you told me, but I-I just… it was a l-long… long way down.” She shivered, and her pupils narrowed. “I… I could see both coasts. A-at the same time. East and West.”

“Is… is she going to be okay?” I asked Luna.

She shrugged. “We caught her just above the treeline of the Hayseed Swamps. From her trajectory though, we estimate that her maximum altitude was impressive. We doubt any pegasi has managed to get that high before.” She patted Raven’s back with her wing. “Congratulations are in order, dear Raven. You have undoubtedly set a few records that shall never be broken again.”

“I saw the curve,” Raven mumbled. “There was a curve. W-why? Why was there a curve? A curve.”

“Oh god, Celestia’s going to kill me,” I whispered. “I traumatized her aide for life.”

“We doubt it’s that severe,” Luna scoffed. “Here, we shall settle this matter here and now. Ms. Inkwell?” Turning to look down at the mare that was still trying to use the alicorn as her personal shield, Luna clicked her tongue. “Take the rest of the day off to recover from this surprise. Rest, relax, and keep your hooves firmly on the ground. Maybe a trip through the gardens will help.”

Raven perked up, and the color in her cheeks began to return. “B-but… what about Day Court?”

“Do you really think you can do your duty in such a state?” Luna asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Well, I…”

“You can barely look at my sister right now. How do you plan to stand beside her for the next few hours?”

“I…” Raven glanced over at me only to flinch back. “I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, princess. I… I don’t…” She swallowed thickly and hung her head in shame.

“It’s fine, Raven,” I said, trying to sound as much like Celestia as possible. “Go, take some time to recover and we’ll deal with this incident later.”

“We shall just have to cancel Day Court for today,” Luna said. “With your current mental state and my sister’s cold, it would probably be for the best to cancel. Post a notice upon the throne room doors, if you would, Ms. Inkwell. If there’s an item of importance that was supposed to be discussed today, move it to Night Court. And then you may have the rest of the day to yourself.”

“T-thank you, princess.” Turning, she darted down the hall, her tail tucked firmly between her legs.

“Why do I feel like this is going to come back to bite me in the butt later?” I muttered as I watched her disappear around the corner.

“If it were anypony else, we’d call you paranoid,” Luna said, “but given the current situation—” she looked at me, her eyes darting up and down Celestia’s body “—I’d say your paranoia is founded. But that is a problem for a later time. Come, we have work to do.” Turning, she headed off in the opposite direction.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I fell in line behind her.

“To the Archives,” came the answer. “We need to find the reversal spell and get Celestia back in her proper body before any more ponies find themselves spacebound.”

“Har har har,” I grumbled. “I didn’t do it on purpose. She just startled me, is all. Besides, aren’t the Archives massive? How the fuck are we going to find a specific spell in the sea of books and scrolls? It’ll take years, if not decades to go through it shelf by shelf!”

“For you, perhaps,” Luna tittered, “but we have more precise means to find our desired material. This shant take more than an afternoon, at most.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Oh, I highly doubt that.”

We moved down the hallway together, Luna leading slightly as I still had barely any idea of where anything was in this place. I could probably move around the private royal apartment areas—Twilight and I stayed here enough times for it to start to seem vaguely familiar to me—but the rest of the halls might as well have shifted and changed for as much as I remember them.

Every so often we’d come across a maid or two, the mares busily cleaning the various furniture and decorations that lined the walls. One of them—a pegasus mare with cherry red fur—hovered in front of one of the massive stained-glass windows, wiping each pane of glass carefully with a rag. It was easy to tell which panes she had already finished; the dirty ones were dull and faded while the clean ones shone like colored fire.

Sunlight…

…

Wait a second.

A hint of a grin flickered across my muzzle as I sidled up next to Luna. “Sooo, I’m in Celestia’s body, right?”

“That is correct,” she said, an ear twitching.

“That means she’s in my body, right?”

“Again, you would be correct.”

“And neither of us can use magic at the moment, right?”

“It would stand to reason.”

“And, unless I’m very much mistaken, the sun is currently in the sky,” I smirked. “It’s almost like… it got up there all on its own. Without someone using magic to raise it. Almost like it moves on its own.” A wide grin split across my face. “Checkmate, alicorn.”

Luna gave me a confused look. “What are you talking about? We raised the sun earlier, after we lowered the moon.”

“What?” I deadpanned.

“If my sister is not present or preoccupied, we can move her celestial body around,” Luna said, “just as she can do the same with our moon. It’s how she managed the day and night cycles when we were imprisoned for a thousand years.” She shook her head at me. “Because Celestia was unable to, we took over the duties of raising the sun today. That is why it’s in the sky, despite the fact that neither of you could do it this morning.”

“Bullshit,” I grumbled. “You just don’t want to admit you’ve lost.”

“One of these days, we’re going to sit you down, and make you believe us,” Luna huffed, “but ‘tis not this day.”

“And why not?” I asked. “Because you can’t actually do it?”

“No. Because we’ve arrived.” Turning the corner, the Archive’s entrance came into view. The pair of gilded doors at the end of the hall were still framed with vines carved into the dark oak wood, but the golden unicorn bust was missing, replaced instead by a dragon’s head with emerald eyes.

On either side of the door, the Archive Guards stood. A pair of unicorns in gold-trimmed crimson robes and large golden decorative collars. Their golden helmets, covering their entire head except for their lower jaw, glinted in the sunlight streaming in from the windows.

As we approached, they both raised their heads.

“Good morning, Princess of the Moon,” the one on the right called out. From the voice, it was a stallion. “How may we be of service today?”

“And a good morning to you both,” Luna answered. “We have need of a certain spell that is behind these doors. May we enter your domain?”

“We suppose you may,” the one on the left answered, the voice that of a mare. “Take as long as you need, and as usual, please try to not get lost.” Raising her halberd, she banged it on the ground, and the massive doors began to grind open. A blast of cold air rushed over both of us, bringing with it the musty smell of old parchment and dust.

“Here we go,” Luna said before striding forward. I hurried after her into the darkness, and a moment later the doors slammed shut behind us.

Chapter 21: To Walk Two Moons, part 5

“Luuuna. I’m booored!”

Luna’s ear twitched. “We are aware. You’ve stated as such multiple times now. Alas, as we have also stated before, there’s nothing we can do about that at the present.” There is a rustle of paper as she turns the page of the large tome she wasn’t currently perusing. She had to squint, as the text appeared faded in the flickering lantern light. It was the only illumination down here in the depths of the Archives.

Flopped down on one of the few worn-out couches that were scattered about the place, I stared upwards into the mentally-crushing pitch blackness above. It was so dark that even after being down here for what was surely multiple hours, my eyes still hadn’t adjusted to it. Without the lantern light, I couldn’t see my hoof in front of my face, even though it was white.

There was some amusement to be found though. Dust swirled through the shadows, causing my eyes to play tricks on my mind. Creatures and spirits sashayed through the air, twisting and spiraling through unseen currents. That could only keep my attention for so long though, which led us back to our current predicament.

“Luuuna!”

“Do you wish for us to find you a book of coloring?” Luna asked, not glancing up from her reading. “Or perhaps one that pops up in a manner used to surprise and delight little foals? We believe there are quite a few in the next section over.” She turned a few more pages by hoof before sighing and closing the book. Placing it onto the ever-growing discard pile, she peered over at me as she picked up another one. “Or, perhaps you’d care to help us search? The sooner we find it, the sooner we can leave, and the sooner you are no longer bored.”

“We tried that, remember?” I asked, kicking my legs in the air.

“Ah, yes,” Luna sighed. “You were unable to read.”

“Magic,” I snorted.

“Yes, yes, it’s a very old security method,” Luna tsked as she began leafing through the new tome. “The only way to read the text is to have a minute amount of magic coursing through one’s horn.” The pages crinkled beneath her hoof as she turned them, the aged parchment brittle and stiff. “Starswirl became exceedingly paranoid in his later years.”

“Well, yeah,” I grumbled. “After what Riddick did to her, I’d be too.”

“Him,” she corrected, not looking up.

“Her.”

“What?” This time she glanced up at me. “Him. Starswirl the Bearded. Stallion.”

“Her,” I insisted. “I’m not sure about the exact details, but according to Riddick, Starswirl was born a mare. When he became Discord, he did something to change her. Also, there was something about a pregnancy, but I’m not entirely sure.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “You could ask Vinyl about it. She seems to remember everything from back then.”

Luna was silent a moment, studying me closely in the darkness. “We… shall endeavor to do so later. It is true that as a sanguinarian pony, she is immune to most mental manipulation spells.” The corners of her mouth twitched upward. “In fact, that was one of the reasons we almost considered becoming one back in the old days.”

That caused me to blink. “What? Like, you were thinking about becoming a vampony?”

“It seemed like the natural thing to do at the time,” Luna said with a shrug as she turned back to the books before her. “A protection against mind magic, increased sense of smell and hearing, better night vision, and—” she held up a wing, a single primary feather extended “—we were already isolating ourselves to our night, so we wouldn’t have any of the negative side effects, as they are only experienced during our sister’s day.”

“Negative side effects?” I asked, my mind drifting to Primrose. She didn’t seem all that different in the daytime than at night.

“Sanguinarians are extremely sensitive to light,” Luna explained, even as she flipped through the pages of a massive tome. “We’re sure you’ve noticed that ex-captain Primrose is more susceptible to flashes of light than her other guards?”

“Yeeeah,” I said slowly, one of my ears twitching against my head. “Yeah, there’s been a couple of times that’s happened.”

“Another side effect can be a state of lethargy. Many sanguinarians become lethargic during the day hours, and may even appear disoriented or drowsy. It is believed this is caused by the senses being overwhelmed in the daytime hours.”

“Really?” I blinked. “That… I haven’t noticed anything like that. I think. She doesn’t seem slower during the day.”

“Did she not adopt a different sleep schedule upon arriving in your services?” Luna asked. “If we recall correctly, she’s been sleeping at night and awake during the day?”

“Yeah…”

“Then you have not yet seen her true potential,” Luna clucked. “Shame. A sanguinarian in their prime is something beautiful to behold.” She turned a few more pages before pausing suddenly. “Ah, we do believe we might have found it.”

“Really?” I blinked before awkwardly righting myself. “You found the spell?”

“We believe so,” Luna hummed. “One moment please.” Her lips moved silently as she mouthed the words, her eyes darting back and forth across the page. As she read, her ear flapped in time with her eye movements, much like a typewriter readjusting itself after each line. It was actually adorable to watch.

After a few seconds of this, she nodded. “Yes, this is the spell we’ve been looking for. An exchange of minds from the bodies therein. This should allow you and Celestia to switch back permanently.”

I gave her an alarmed look. “P-permanently? What?”

“We came across a spell earlier that would allow you to switch back, but the duration would have been random,” she explained. “You and Celestia would have swapped between your bodies at random. This one will allow the switch only once per cast. Once you are back in your body, there you shall remain until the spell is cast again.”

“Great!” I smiled, eager to finally get out of this weird body. Especially before the food I consumed last night and this morning needed to come out again. “So, do we have Celestia come to Canterlot, or are we headed to Ponyville?”

“Neither.”

My smile vanished. “Say what now?”

“Neither,” Luna repeated. Standing from her seat, she closed the book and tucked it under her wing. Leaving the other books where they were, she turned and headed in the direction of the exit. “We may have found the spell, yes, but we still need to study it. It doesn’t seem all that complex, but we’ll have to look it over tonight to make sure.”

“But… why can’t you just cast it now?!”

This caused Luna to pause. Peering over her shoulder at me, she cocked an eyebrow. “You are not well versed in magic, are you?” When I shook my head, she continued. “If we cast this spell without studying it closely, it could have disastrous effects.”

My eyes narrowed. “Like… how disastrous are we talking here?”

“Do you enjoy having your head attached to your shoulders?”

“Y-yes?”

“And do you enjoy having your organs in their correct places?”

“I believe so…”

“And do you enjoy waking up each morning with the ability to dress, clean, and feed yourself?”

“...”

“Then I shall take tonight to study the spell closely, so that we might be able to cast it correctly on the morrow. Now come. We are hungry.” Smirking, Luna headed off into the darkness, taking the lantern with her. For a moment, I was motionless, then, with shaky legs, I stumbled quickly after the fading red light.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

I had to squint as I moved down the hall, as my eyes were still adjusting to the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. Luna didn’t seem to have the same problem, and I used this to my advantage, following after the large dark-blue blob in front of me.

Something Luna seemed to take notice of.

“If we didn’t know better, we’d say you are fascinated with our plot. Didst thou find something you like?” The blob shifted slightly as I assumed Luna glanced back over her shoulder at me, and I could hear the smirk in her voice.

“Nah,” I grunted, still squinting. “Still can’t see anything. Just following the biggest thing I can find, which happens to be your flank.”

The blob stop. “Did you just call us… fat?”

“I called you big,” I said, stepping to the side so I didn’t run into her. “Don’t project your insecurities onto me. Or did you forget you are bigger than the average pony?”

“We didn’t forget,” Luna hemmed. “Still, please cease your staring. The sight of our sister staring intently at our plot like that is more than a little disturbing. Granted, you aren’t her, but still, it’s her body and her gaze.”

“A’ight,” I sighed. “I understand. No more staring until I get back into my own body.”

“Yes,” Luna said, nodding. “No more staring until… hey!”

“Too late, you already agreed.” I chuckled as she glared at me, her face red. “Don’t worry, Luna. You are a good friend, but I don’t like you like that. Only one alicorn for me, thank you.”

“For now, at least,” Luna huffed under her breath. “You’re going to have to learn to love one more before too long.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, an ear twitching. “What do you mean ‘one more’? You aren’t actually planning something, are you?”

It was Luna’s turn to twitch an ear. She slowed and gave me an incredulous look. “She… has not told you yet?”

“She?” I blinked before grimacing. “It’s… it’s not Celestia, is it? Oh fuck no. She better not be crushing on me. Hell no. Not happening.” Sticking out my tongue, I gagged.

“No, it’s not our sister,” Luna growled. “We can’t believe… we told her… this… she is insufferable sometimes!” Snorting, she stomped a hoof and looked like she was about to say something. Her chest fluffed out but then she deflated slightly as she sighed. “This is how it’s going to be then, huh? Very well. We shall play this game too.”

I opened my mouth to ask what she was talking about, but a clatter of hooves from behind prevented that. Turning, we both watched as a herd of overly-dressed ponies came around the corner. They walked with their noses in the air, and upon seeing us, they sped up.

“Ah ha! There she is!” one of the ponies in front—a unicorn stallion with a mane that looked like it was more hair gel than hair—shouted.

“By the Maker, not now,” Luna groaned.

“What the—?” I took a step back as the herd of ponies fanned out in front of us. Or rather, in front of me, as Luna almost got pushed to the side. It was only by digging in her hooves and pushing out her chest that she was able to keep her place beside me.

The unicorn stallion that had cried out was apparently the leader of this merry band of nobles, and he glared up at me. “Really, Princess. Canceling Day Court just to not have to deal with us? A petty move, to be sure, but we will not be ignored!”

“Uh…” I replied with dignity.

“Emerald Codex,” Luna said, her voice cold and emotionless. “There was a reason our sister cancelled Day Court today. A personal reason. And we have no doubt you were informed, any matters that are too important to wait until such time as Day Court is held again shall be discussed during Night Court.”

“Where we shall get a mediocre decision.” A noble from the back called out.

The temperature in the hallway dropped slightly.

“What didst thou just say?” Luna hissed.

“Forgive the bluntness of the statement, Princess Luna, but it’s true,” Emerald Codex said quickly. “These are matters of daytime events and procedures, while you are more focused on night time problems. It isn’t a matter of influence but experience. Princess Celestia has been dealing with this a lot longer than you have.”

Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Are we a joke to you? We’ve been ruling for longer than you’ve been alive, Emerald Codex, and for longer than your ancestors have been buried. We’ve experienced more than you or your foals or your grandfoals could possibly hope to experience.”

‘And yet,” Emerald Codex said, unphased by Luna’s apparently anger, “when it comes to humans, I have more experience than you, Princess. You’ve only just recently returned to us, and humans were not around when you ruled previously. You have only a few years of experience dealing with them, unlike us.”

Before Luna could respond, the stallion turned his attention back to me. “Now then, Princess Celestia. We realize that certain information has come to light that might color how you believe we should do business, and normally we’d be more than willing to change our business models to fit within the laws you’ve laid down, but this—” his horn lit up and he pulled out a folded up piece of paper which bore an official-looking seal “—this is just going too far.”

Realizing I wasn’t getting out of this without speaking, but not sure what the fuck was going on, I settled on doing what I did best: one word responses. “Explain.”

“We are allowed to continue using humans in our factories and workplaces… as long as we pay them the same wages that we’d pay a pony?” Codex asked, waving the paper about.

“You want us to pay the humans?” a noblemare beside Codex who could have been his twin spoke up. “With bits?! Absurd!”

“That is what you typically do when you have someon—pony working for you,” I said slowly. “You pay them. That is the law, is it not?”

“But in bits?” the mare gasps. “It’s… unheard of! Paying humans in bits.”

“And the same amount we’d pay a pony?” Codex sniffed. “They aren’t even that efficient. It takes weeks to train them when a pony can learn it in days. They have no problem-solving skills, so we have to hire handlers to make sure nothing goes wrong. Hay, even their work speed is slower than a pony. Why should pay them the same I’d pay for a pony worker, when I could get a pony to do double the work for the same amount?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Then hire a pony to do the work and quit complaining.”

The stallion looked like I had slapped him. Opening and closing his mouth, it took him a few seconds to find his voice. “T-that’s beside the point! This isn’t about work efficiency or proper workplace management. This is about the fact that I don’t pay a line working the same as a manager. Why should I pay a human the same and get less product for it? I should be able to pay them for the quality of work they’ve done. We are here to argue for fair labor laws concerning our humans!”

“No. You’re here pushing for slavery.”

Silence immediately fell over the hall as everyone stopped moving. All ponies looked at me with wide eyes, even Luna. Trying to ignore being the center of attention, I glared down at Emerald Codex and slowly shook my head. “What you want is to continue using humans as your primary workforce without having to pay them for their service. You want to have free labor without paying for services rendered. You want a cheap, easy way to make money, and you’re upset that it has been taken away from you. You don’t want to pay them for the quality of their work. You don’t want to pay them at all. That’s slavery.”

“That’s not… we aren’t… you can’t just…” Emerald stuttered out.

Beside him, his possible twin shook her head. “It’s a waste of bits! The humans never spend them. They hoard them. Drop them in the streets. I’ve even seen a few of them eat them! They don’t know what to do with them! They don’t even want them! All they want is food!”

“Then pay them in food,” I grunted. “You don’t want to give them bits? Fine. Convert their wages into an amount of food of equal value and then give them that as payment. They earned 25 bits? Give them 25 bits worth of food.”

“You want us to go grocery shopping… for humans?!” the mare shrieked.

“Either pay your humans what they are owed—whether in bits or otherwise—or find a pony to do the work for you instead. End of discussion. Good day.” With that, I turned and walked off down the hall. A moment later, Luna followed, leaving the nobles behind in stunned silence.

Chapter 22: To Walk Two Moons, part 6

We were both quiet—alone with our thoughts—until we reached the sisters’ private dining room. It was empty when we arrived, not another soul in sight. Settling down upon cushions on either side of the table, we had to only wait a few moments before the waitstaff suddenly appeared. I must have blinked, because one second the table was clear, and in the next, it was covered in several large bowls of pasta, salads, and various fruits.

The staff bowed before disappearing and leaving me and Luna to ourselves.

Without missing a beat, Luna grabbed a plate in her magic and quickly piled it high with food. Her nose was already buried in the spellbook as the plate settled down in front of her, followed by a goblet of juice.

It took some maneuvering, but I was able to fill my own plate. I picked absently at the pasta for a few minutes before sighing. “How badly did I screw Celestia over?”

“Hmmm?” Luna glanced up from her book, a string of noodles dangling down her chin. She stared at me before slurping them up. “What are you talking about?”

“Our encounter with the nobles?” I sniffed. “My response to them; how badly did I just screw Celestia over?” As much as I loathed her at the moment, I didn’t want to make her life harder than it already was. Especially when it came to the nobles.

“Oh. That.” Turning back to her book, Luna shook her head. “We doubt that you’ve made the situation worse than it already is. In fact, we’d wager that you’ve actually helped our sister out in the long run.” Holding her fork in her magic, she slurped up some more noodles, the long strands flicking and twitching as they were sucked between her lips.

I gave her a bemused look. “...I did?”

“Yes,” Luna hummed, one of her cheeks bulging with food. “That particular group has been a thorn in her side for nearly two weeks. Of course, she’s been dealing with them in her usual manner—tip-hoofing around them and trying to not get too involved. While your method was a little more direct than she’d normally be, the results should actually be more beneficial.”

“But… the nobles won’t give her any trouble, will they?”

“Those fools?” Luna tittered. “They aren’t nobles. Well, not real nobles. They are minor nobles; members of the local business guild within the city. The only trouble they cause is being an annoyance when they don’t get their way, which is most of the time. Getting knocked down a few pegs will be good for most of them.”

“So, nothing to worry about?” I asked tentatively.

“Most certainly not,” Luna said as she returned to her book. “If anything, you might have made things harder for yourself. We’re pretty sure that after this, our sister might be requesting your help with other situations in the future.”

I slumped back down on my cushion. “Fuck that. Ain’t happening. No way, no how.”

“We shall see,” Luna chuckled.

Silence fell over the room again as we both tucked into our food; Luna with a bit more elegance than me. She held a fork in her magic, twirling it expertly through the noodles before bringing them to her muzzle. Only then did her prim and proper image suffer, with the long noodles dangling from her lips and chin, making her look like a ponified Cthulhu than anything else.

At least it was better than my method. Thank god no one else was present, as I don’t think any ponies would survive the sight of their glorious Princess Celestia consuming her food like a starving dog—her muzzle pushed firmly against her plate.

…

What? I wasn’t even going to try and figure out how to hold a fork with my hoof. I was hungry, food was there, I was going to consume it in any way possible.

I had just finished my first plate and was filling up a second one when there came a sudden pressure in the back of my head. It started off dull at first—almost a tickling feeling—but the more I tried to ignore it, the more it slowly began to grow until my head was practically throbbing with a migraine.

My half-eaten plate forgotten, I clutched my head in my hooves and groaned as my eyes felt like they were going to pop from my sockets. “Fuuuck…”

“What’s wrong?” I heard Luna ask.

“My head… is gonna… explode….” I groaned out, the pain becoming almost unbearable. My ears were ringing, stars were bursting behind my closed eyelids, and I could feel my pulse in my head. The pressure continued to grow and grow and grow until suddenly...

A massive sneeze tore itself from my muzzle, sounding more like a gunshot as it echoed around the room. The pressure erupted out my nose, but instead of a torrent of snot, a cloud of smoke roared from my nostrils. It swirled about my head for a moment before condensing into a burst of green fire.

With a soft ‘flump’, a scroll landed on the table in front of me.

“Holy shit,” I breathed, blinking owlishly. The pressure from before was completely gone and with it the pain. In fact, it felt as if nothing had happened. “Is it always like that?” I asked Luna as she poked the scroll. “Does her head almost explode every time she gets mail? Fuck, that suuucks.”

“By the Maker, no,” Luna said, shaking her head. “Then again, she’s never held it in before. Tia knows the signs of an incoming dragonfire letter, so she releases the magic almost instinctively. You, on the other hoof, do not know the signs, and as such, suffer the consequences of magical build-up.”

“Yeah, well… that sucked,” I said lamely. Running my tongue over my teeth, I glanced at the scroll. “So, who’s it from and what does it say?”

Picking up the scroll, Luna glanced at the contents before reciting.

“Dear Princess Celestia,

I wish to preface this letter by saying that I’m not sure if this is a subject you can help me with, but I don’t know who else to turn to right now. It’s about Max. Ever since he’s returned from Canterlot, he’s been acting strange. Well, stranger.

He’s more distant than he was when he left, so much so that I feel like he might be actively trying to avoid me. I’ve had to initiate any intimacy, even something as minor as a kiss or a nuzzle. Last night, we actually slept apart for the first time since the Canterlot Incident. To make matters worse, when I was doing laundry, I found long, yellow hairs on his shirt that clearly didn’t come from me or anypony living in the library at the time.

It might be a little too early to start worrying, but I can’t help it. The signs are there. I think Max has lost interest in me and has found somepony else in Canterlot.

Please, is there any advice you can give me? Anything at all? I don’t want to lose him.

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle”

“Oh dear,” Luna frowned. “It would seem that things in Ponyville aren’t going so well. It seems Tia’s wish to keep the situation secret is coming back to bite us in the flank.” Placing the scroll on the table, Luna rubbed her chin with a hoof. “We… aren’t sure what we should do about this…”

“Luna.”

“Hmmm?” She glanced up at me, an ear twitching. “Yes?”

“Can you write a letter for me?” I asked, tapping the table with a hoof.

For a moment, she just stared at me, but then in a flash of magic, a scroll and quill hovered in front of her. With a soft smile on her lips, she inclined her head to me.

Closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I began.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle,

While I am sorry to hear such woes in your budding relationship, I believe your fears may be unfounded. I do not believe your mate is cheating on you. According to several eyewitnesses, Max paid a visit to Miss Sunny Breeze during his stay here, and I am told that the pair spent the afternoon catching up with one another. That is likely where he acquired the yellow hair on his shirt.

As for his behavior, that may be an unintended side-effect to the medicine he was given during his check-up. According to the Healers, the medicine may make him appear distracted or distant, and even cause behavioral shifts. While these symptoms should dissipate after a few days, the Healers—as well as myself—believe that it would be in his best interests to return to Canterlot Castle so that the symptoms can be properly addressed.

If you wouldn’t mind, please escort him to the castle tomorrow so that we may sort this out as soon as possible.

Yours,

Princess Celestia”

“That…” Luna paused to reread the letter she had just written. “That’s actually… ingenious. You’ve managed to keep both your conditions a secret, while getting Twilight to bring Celestia to Canterlot tomorrow in such a way that there is little to no suspicion on her part.” She tapped her nose with the tip of the quill before making some small edits and then casting a quick-drying spell on the ink. Rolling up the scroll, she looked at me a moment, her mouth open, before shaking her head. “Nevermind.”

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing. We shall take care of it.” She took a deep breath, held it in, and then puffed out her cheeks. A moment later a torrent of turquoise flames streamed from between her pursed lips, consuming the scroll and sending it on its way in a cloud of smoke.

“Holy shit,” I breathed.

“Bleh!” Luna smacked her lips. “That always leaves a strange taste in our mouth.” Scrunching up her muzzle, she took a drink from her goblet. “Not enough. It shall be with us for a while yet. Unfortunate.” She went to take another sip, only to pause when she caught sight of my face. “What is the matter?”

“Does Twilight not trust me that much?” I asked as I stared glumly at my food. “It’s barely been a day, and she thinks I’m cheating on her? I get that Celestia isn’t acting like me, but still… it’s only been a day.”

For a moment I thought Luna was going to remain silent, but when she finally spoke, her voice was strained. “We… don’t think that’s correct. She most likely doesn’t truly believe that you’d be unfaithful, but she might have the uncertainty amplified by her hormones.”

“Hormones?” I glanced up from my food. “So, the hormones from her estrus could still be affecting her? Even after a few weeks?”

For a moment, Luna looked like she had swallowed a lemon. “...Yes,” she grunted out from around clenched teeth. “Tis possible… that they are still affecting her.” Glancing away, she grumbled something inaudible.

I stared at her before slowly nodding, although a frown crossed my muzzle. “I… guess that makes sense. A little.” Silence fell for a few tense seconds before I sighed heavily. “The sooner I’m back in my old body, the better. It’s only been a day, I haven’t done anything major, yet I’m tense, tired, and stressed. Definitely gonna have a nightmare tonight,” I finished under my breath.

Luna’s ear twitched. “If you’d like, you can always return to the comfort of Tia’s room. With the acquisition of this spellbook, there is nothing more we need to accomplish today.”

“So, what?” I blinked. “Just retire early?”

“It’s not that early,” Luna sniffed. “Tis almost time to lower Tia’s sun again.” She paused, an ear cocking weirdly to the side. “Actually, we might be a little late in doing so.”

Ignoring her comments about moving the sun, I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I… might actually do that.” My thoughts drifted towards the cake-filled fridge and the full wine racks. “That seems like it’d be a good idea.”

“Do you know the way back?” Luna asked.

“I think so,” I said. Leaning down, I grabbed one last mouthful of noodles before standing up, my cheeks bulging with food. Chewing, I called back over my shoulder as I walked away. “Good night, Luna. See you tomorrow.”

“Sleep well,” Luna called back before burying her nose back into the spellbook.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“You know…” I slurred as a low-buzzing noise filled the air, “I really should be a little upset right now… but I just… I just don’t caaare… unf.” Laying across Celestia’s large bed, I rested with my forelegs dangling over the edge. A half-consumed bottle of wine was clutched in one of my hooves, while a plate rested by my other one with a half-eaten piece of cake on it.

My body swayed back and forth as the buzzing suddenly grew louder. “Gawd… this is the best I’ve felt in weeeeks…”

From my back, the changeling that was nestled between my shoulder blades continued buzzing its wings quickly, causing its entire body to vibrate. The sensations seeped into my muscles, forcing the tension out and causing them to relax.

It had ambushed me the moment I had re-entered Celestia’s room from the hidden apartment, nearly making me drop the wine and cake I had pilfered. Latching onto my barrel, it had remained there until I had gotten comfortable on the bed.

Then, the buzzing had started.

I barely lasted three minutes before dissolving into a puddle of pure bliss.

As the changeling continued to buzz, I groaned needily as my body went completely limp. The bottle slid from my grasp, luckily landing upright on the floor. I could feel myself drifting off to sleep, a smile on my lips as, for the first time in weeks, I willingly embraced the darkness.

My eyes shut and a happy sigh escaped me.

Above, the changeling continued to buzz. Its eyes glowed beneath its closed lids, and its belly swelled ever so slightly. A smile crossed its muzzle as well, and for a moment, it looked almost regal.

Author's Note

Sorry for the long delay. Life sucks, weather sucks, health sucks—but I'm back. For now. Let's roll.

Chapter 23: To Walk Two Moons, Finale

It was about an hour since the sun crept into the sky when Luna found me out on Celestia’s private balcony. I had dragged one of the many cushions she had outside and was lounging as I watched the comings and goings of the ponies down in the city streets below. There was a scent in the air that I couldn’t quite place, no matter how many times I sniffed.

“Rain,” Luna said as she stepped out beside me.

One of my ears twitched of its own volition. “Excuse me?”

“Rain,” she said again. “That’s what you are smelling.”

“Can’t be rain,” I said, glancing up at the clear sky above me. “There aren’t any clouds, and there are no pegasi gathering any, either.”

“That’s because you’re looking in the wrong direction.” Moving to the edge of the balcony, Luna peered over the side. “Sometimes our inability to notice something obvious stems from the fact that it goes against the norm we are used to.”

“What?” Getting to my hooves, I approached the edge as well. Upon glancing over, I saw a thick layer of clouds was beginning to form—not above the city, but below it. Pegasi flitted around beneath the edge of the city, knitting the clouds together until the landscape below was obscured by a blanket of dark gray fluff.

“Oh… right. Mountain city. We’re high on the mountain. Right. Completely forgot about that.” I watched the dark, swirling clouds for a moment before leaning towards Luna. “Is… this something to be concerned about?”

“Of course not,” Luna scoffed. “We are up there and it is down there.”

“I meant for Twilight and Celestia.”

“Oh.” She was silent a moment before shaking her head. “Neigh. The storm itself isn’t scheduled until late this afternoon. Far from our planned meeting. Although, there are reports of a heavy fog layer below, which will no doubt delay their train. Nothing more, though.”

“So, that means we have a few hours before they arrive, right?” I asked.

“We’d say so,” Luna nodded. “Day court has been canceled again, so there’s nothing to attend to until you and Tia have been returned to your correct bodies.”

“I see…” Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I hummed softly to myself. A plan had started to form in my head shortly after I got up this morning. A plan for… something. I couldn’t just leave Celestia alone, not after everything she’d done to me recently. This would be a way to get her back for all her meddling. I wasn’t entirely sure if I could pull it off, though.

Maybe… maybe with Luna’s help?

I guess it couldn’t hurt to ask.

The worst she could say is ‘no’, right?

…

I ran over what I was going to ask one last time before turning to Luna fully. “Hey, so… quick question. Weird question, actually. Can you and Celestia change your appearances at all?”

Luna cocked her head to the side. “In what manner, pray tell?”

“You know… so you don’t look like yourselves.” I waved a hoof around. “A disguise or illusion or something. So ponies won’t recognize you when you go out. Make yourself smaller. Change your mane. That sort of thing.”

“Of course.” Luna’s horn glowed and there was a bright flash. A unicorn mare stood in her place now. Her coat was the same color as Luna’s but her mane was the silver of a moonbeam. On her flank was a cutie mark of a paint palette in the shape of a crescent moon, with various splotches of blue paint.

“It’s a fairly simple spell, but extremely useful,” the new mare explained. Even her voice was completely different than Luna’s, with almost a New Yorker accent. “Especially when we don’t want our subjects fawning over us at every step. With this, we can blend into any crowd and go about our business with ease.”

“Okay, but… how realistic is it?” I asked as I circled her new body. “Like, if you sprain an ankle in this form, does it stay sprained when you return to normal?”

The mare nodded. “Yes. Any injuries sustained adorn our usual visage upon transformation. We’ve been shot with an arrow while in this form before, and the wound was still present later.”

“Good, good,” I said absently. “Okay, so… just one last question.”

The mare cocked an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Can you cast that spell on me too?” I asked with an almost feral grin.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“We can’t believe you did that…”

I smirked at the unicorn currently walking beside me down the packed streets of Canterlot, but said nothing. The early morning haze over the city had given way to a late morning humidity that was really clinging to the mountain-side city. Ponies were already removing sweat-stained articles of clothing and the cafes dotting the marketplace were getting extra patronage as ponies tried to escape inside for something cool to drink. It was the type of Spring day that promised a hot Summer to come.

Luna and I—or rather, Starry Night, as she asked to be called in her current form—were out amongst the shops in the main city, though we were headed back to the palace. She was in the unicorn form she had shown me earlier while I was now in the form of a pale-pink pegasus with golden locks of curly hair and a sunflower adorning my flank. The humidity wasn’t doing any favors for my mane though, and it was starting to get really frizzy.

After learning that Luna could indeed place the disguise spell on me, I just had to pay a visit to a certain shop that Avera had told me about once in passing. It had taken a while for us to find it, as I couldn’t remember the exact street Avera had said it was on; just the general location. Still, once we found it, the visit itself hadn’t been too long—although it had been a little uncomfortable at one point—and we were going to make it back to the palace with time to spare before Twilight and Celestia showed up.

Walking beside me, Luna sighed heavily. “Had we known what you had planned, we would never have agreed to this.”

My only answer was for my smirk to grow.

“We hope you know what trouble you’ve put yourself in,” Luna said. “When Celestia finds out about this, well… you’ve only yourself to blame for the horror that is to come.”

I chuckled to myself and shook my head, only to wince. Stopping for a second, I lifted a hind leg and gave it a good shake, trying to ease some discomfort. Luna waited patiently as I adjusted myself, but from the look on her face, I could tell she still didn’t approve of my actions.

“Let it never be said,” she muttered, “that you do not have balls, dear friend.” Several passing ponies gave us weird looks and out of the corner of my eye, I saw several of them glancing between my legs in confusion.

“However,” Luna continued, “you are lacking in the department of common sense. Still, it is good that Twilight Sparkle has already caught you, lest we find ourselves more than willing to deal with the headaches you surely cause.”

One of my ears twitched and I gave her a confused look.

“We prefer stallions that are more bold than cautious,” Luna said, and finally a smirk of her own crossed her muzzle. “And after your actions today, we can safely say that you fit the bill. We hope you survive our sister’s wrath, as We definitely wish to spend more time with you in the future.”

I gave her a feral grin before sticking out my tongue at her, the new golden barbell glinting brightly in the sunlight.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

We could hear them coming from down the hall.

We had retired to Celestia’s bedroom shortly after returning. At some point when we were gone, someone had come in and changed the sheets, as well as removed the dirty dishes and empty wine bottle I had left beside the bed last night. A quick check into the private apartment area showed that someone had cleaned in there too.

Okay, now I felt like a bit of an ass. Hopefully, it didn’t take them too long to clean up all that spilled wine and broken glass.

Lounging on one of the large cushions that dotted the floor of Celestia’s room, my ear twitched in time to the clip-clopping of Twilight’s hooves as they echoed through the slightly opened door. Alongside that was the faint sound of her speaking, but the words were too muffled to make out what was being said.

In the corner, Luna rested on a cushion, her belly pointed up towards the ceiling and her wings spread wide. She reminded me of a dog basking in a patch of sunlight. Her ear twitched as well before she stretched, groaning loudly. “Ah, good. They’ve finally arrived.” Fighting back a yawn, she rolled over and got to her hooves.

“Here we go,” I mumbled as I got to my own hooves. No sooner had we gotten up, then the bedroom door opened and Twilight walked in followed shortly by myself.

God, it was so weird looking at my body from the outside. There was just something eerie about it.

Upon seeing me, Twilight perked up. “Oh, Princess Celestia! Luna! There you are. We’ve been looking for you. I’m so sorry we’re late. We would have been here sooner if somepony hadn’t insisted on showering alone.” She gave my body a sour look.

Celestia just crossed my arms and gave an exacerbated sigh as she looked at me. “Please tell me that you’ve managed to find a solution to this unfortunate situation.”

I grinned, my wings fluffing slightly. “Possibly. I’m not too sure about it now though. I’m starting to enjoy the finer things in life.”

“You can’t be serious,” Celestia said, gaping at me.

“Nah,” I deadpanned. “You can have it back. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

“I… don’t understand,” Twilight said, glancing back and forth between the both of us. “What’s going on? What situation? What are you giving back? I thought we were coming here to help Max with his medication problem?”

“That was a lie,” I said.

“A… a lie?” Twilight took a step back, her eyes wide. “Why would you… why would you lie about that?!” Her wings flared and she took up an aggressive stance. “I thought something was actually wrong with Max. Something is actually wrong with Max! Why would you lie to me?!”

I nodded my head towards Celestia. “To get her here, actually.”

Twilight opened her mouth to shout something else, only to pause, a confused look crossing her face. An ear twitched, almost like she was trying to clear it of some unknown obstruction. “Wait… ‘her’?”

“Don’t worry,” I said with a smile. “It’ll make sense in a moment, Sparklebutt.” As Twilight mouthed the word ‘Sparklebutt’, a look of dawning realization (and horror) on her face, I turned to Luna. “You ready to do this?”

“As ready as we’ll ever be,” she replied. A flash of magic later, the spellbook hovered in front of her in a cloud of blue magic.

Celestia perked up. “Oh good! You did find the needed spell. I’m assuming that means that Luna knows the full story?”

“Of course,” Luna answered, peering over the top of the book and giving Celestia a smug look. “We were informed of the situation almost immediately, and it has been mostly us that have found the solution. Why you deemed it necessary to keep it a secret from one of the few ponies that could have actually helped you out, we shall never know, but what’s done is done.”

“It was… I had to keep it… you wouldn’t understand,” Celestia stammered out, a hint of red touching her cheeks beneath the beard.

“What’s going on?!” Twilight asked, a hint of panic entering her voice.

“Be calm, Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said. “We need full concentration when casting this spell. Do not distract us.” Flipping the spellbook open to the bookmarked page, she looked over the spell one last time before clearing her throat. “Alright. Now, if both of you would stand in front of us, this shouldn’t take too long.”

Celestia and I did as instructed, coming face to face in front of Luna. Now that we were closer, I could see that Celestia looked haggard. There were dark bags under her bloodshot eyes and her beard was unkempt.

Her beard…

My beard…

…

Fuck, this was getting too confusing again. Time to fix this fuckup.

Luna muttered under her breath for a moment, her nose in the book, before suddenly straightening up. The magic around her horn grew brighter and actually started to swirl in a counter-clockwise manner. She continued mumbling even as her eyes began to glow white.

Suddenly, twin bursts of magic flew from the tip of her horn and struck both me and Celestia in the chest. It felt like the breath was stolen from my lungs and I couldn’t stop a gasp escaping my lips. A deeper gasp across from me told me that Celestia was experiencing the same sensation. The magic continued to grow in intensity until it was almost blinding.

Then almost as suddenly, the magic ceased.

Blinking the stars from my eyes, I looked around.

“Did it work?” I asked. Or tried to ask, but no words came out. Which would make sense, seeing as I didn’t have a body anymore. Glancing down, I saw that both our bodies were collapsed upon the floor unconscious. Wisps of luminous smoke wafted up from our various orifices, leading up to two figures hanging over the bodies—a vaguely-humanoid figure hovering over Celestia’s body and a vaguely-equine figure hovering over my body.

‘Huh… you know, at this point, I’m not even shocked anymore,’ I mused as I stared down at my luminous form. Out of the corner of my… eye, I guess… I saw Twilight gaping up at the glowing forms with wide eyes, her jaw on the floor.

Eyes squeezed shut, Luna grunted before lifting her head slightly. For a moment, nothing happened but then I felt a strange tugging sensation around my middle. Slowly, we began to drift around until both forms were over their respective bodies.

“That… should… do it,” Luna grumbled. The magic around her horn flared once and there was another blinding flash. The room was consumed in white.

As my vision slowly returned, I was overjoyed to find myself back to having half the world in darkness again. I didn’t realize how much I’d gotten used to having one eye until this weekend, and honestly… I don’t think I’d ever want to go back to binocular vision again. It felt too jarring now.

Pushing myself into a seated position, I sighed happily as I stared down at my hands. “Fuck yeah. I’ve missed you, buddies. How’ve you been?” In answer, I cracked my knuckles. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

A choking sound made me glance up. Twilight was still just sitting there, stunned. Her jaw was moving and it was clear she was trying to form words. “You… and her… but you were her… and she was… but that means… when did you… so that… oh my gosh.” Her pupils constricted to mere pinpricks. “I… I flagged… my tail… in front of… P-p-princess… Princess Ce… Celestia… aaaah.” Air escaped her in a long, high-pitched sigh before her eyes rolled up and she slumped to the floor.

“Oh shit!” Scrambling to my feet, I crouched down beside her and checked for vitals. Thankfully, she was still breathing. She had only fainted. “You know… I was actually expecting a stronger reaction than that,” I mumbled.

From across the room, Celestia groaned and began to stir.

Oh shit…

Scooping up Twilight into my arms, I turned to Luna, who was storing the book beneath her wing. “Luna, you need to send us back to Ponyville. Right now.”

“What?” She blinked, an ear twitching.

“You need to send us back to Ponyville,” I repeated, the urgency clear in my voice. “Like, right now. Immediately. Either teleport us or send us to Spike, but we need to go now!”

“We don’t understand…”

“That was rather unpleasant,” Celestia mumbled, only to pause. A look of confusion crossed her face, and she began to run her tongue over her cheeks. “What is…?”

“Luna, now. Please!” I begged.

A look of understanding dawned on Luna’s face.

“What is… what did you do?!” Celestia said, her words coming out slurred. Sticking out her tongue, she went crossed-eyed as she stared down at the barbell for a moment before surging to her hooves.

“Luna, come on. Help me out here!”

“What is the meaning of this?!” Celestia yelped, only to pause again. Her back legs shifted as a look of pain crossed her face. Lifting a hind leg, she peered under her barrel. “What in the world…?” Suddenly, her back stiffened.

“Luna, for all that is good and holy, do it now!”

Luna shook her head, but her horn began to glow.

Celestia let out a squawk of indignation. “You got my bucking TEATS pier—?!”

The world dissolved into darkness. An invisible force hooked me around my navel and yanked me backward as intense pressure closed in on me from all sides. I held Twilight’s limp form against my chest, holding on for dear life as we were flung through the void.

Just as my body was beginning to indicate a need for air, there was a flash of green light. With a thud, Twilight and I landed on the floor of the library.

“Ugh, my stomach,” Spike groaned as he rubbed his belly. “Why didn’t you guys just take the train again?”

“Wha… what’s going on?” Avera asked, clearly having just woken up. She peered over the armrest of the couch.

Ebony looked over as well, only to gasp when she saw the unconscious form of Twilight. “H’ohmygosh! Twilight! What happened?!”

I looked around at the three of them for a moment before I burst out laughing. Unable to help myself, I laid there, cackling madly as the others watched on in confusion and growing worry. I ignored them though, my laughter echoing around the library.

It was good to be home.

Chapter 24: The Devil's in the Bottle

Dust motes danced about in the beam of warm afternoon sunlight that streamed through the open window, casting the library in a deep orange hue. They ignored the whims of gravity, floating about as they pleased until a small gust of wind crept in and disturbed them for a brief moment, scattering them in a chaotic jumble of activity before they settled back into their lazy waltz.

Camped out on the couch, my feet propped comfortably on the coffee table, I dozed—not quite awake and yet not quite asleep. It was the sweet middle ground where daydreams almost seemed real and the real world was almost a waking dream. It was to the point where I wasn’t even sure if there were foals playing outside or not, the sound of their laughter faint and distant.

I was so lost in the twilight realm of half-sleep that I didn’t notice the sound of approaching hoofsteps until someone slammed something down on the coffee table with enough force to knock my feet off, jarring me from my daze. Blinking, I worked to clear my eyes even as I looked around for the source of the disturbance, only to find Twilight’s unamused face staring back at me. “We need to talk. Now.”

Trying to calm my pounding heart, I smoothed out my wrinkled shirt with a shaky hand before replying. “Talk about what?” A glint caught my eye and I glanced down. A glass jug sat on the table, and from the markings on its side I was able to deduce that it was a jug of whiskey. A full jug of whiskey, as the amber liquid inside was still sloshing around from when Twilight had deposited it upon the table.

I frowned. “Hold on. That’s not one of mine.”

“Yeah, I know. It still has whiskey in it, so it can’t be yours.”

“Haha.” I rolled my eyes at the snarky barb before sitting up straighter. “You know what I meant. That’s not one of mine, so you can’t blame me for it being in here.”

“Oh, I know,” Twilight said. “I’m not blaming you for it. This is one of several that I brought from Applejack earlier today. It’s one of her stronger brews. You and I are finally going to have a talk, whether you like it or not. So get comfortable. We might be here a while.”

“You still haven’t told me what we’re talking about yet.”

“What else? Your drinking problem.” With a ‘thunk’ she pulled the stopper out of the neck of the bottle. A moment later that sweet-yet-pungent aroma of alcohol tickled my nose. Twilight’s muzzle scrunched. “Oh boy. That’s strong alright.”

“I don’t have a problem.” The words left my mouth before I could stop them. Even to my ears, they sounded stupid. Apparently Twilight thought so too, judging by the deadpan look she gave me.

“The dozen or so missing bottles of wine Celestia noted from her own private stash would say otherwise,” she huffed.

I winced. In my hurry to escape Celestia’s retribution for the piercings, I had forgotten to make sure that things were settled in her private apartment. The empty slots in her wine rack had probably stood out like a sore thumb.

“Okay, fine,” I grumbled. “So I might be drinking a little bit more than—” Twilight cleared her throat. “Fine! I’ve been drinking a lot more lately than usual, but what does buying even more alcohol have to do with it?”

“Simple,” Twilight said as she settled down upon a cushion just across the table from me. “You’ve been avoiding the subject whenever I bring it up, so…” Her horn lit up and two small glasses settled down on the aged wood with soft clinks. “We’re going to drink this stuff until you are drunk enough to talk about it.”

“Hold up.” I gave her an incredulous look. “Your plan is to get me drunk to talk about me getting drunk?”

“I didn’t say it was the best plan,” Twilight grumbled, “but you’ve pushed all other options out the window. So…” She poured a measured amount of whiskey into the two cups. “Here we are.”

My eyes narrowed. “Okay, let’s say I go along with this. I’m drinking to get drunk enough to talk about this, but why are you drinking with me? Wouldn’t it be better to be sober?”

“If you flagged your tail to someone you considered almost a second mother, you’d be drinking too.”

“Fair enough.” I studied the glass in front of me for a moment before gingerly picking it up. Swirling the whiskey about inside it for a moment, I glanced at Twilight. When she didn’t move to stop me, I knocked back the glass in one gulp.

Immediately, my throat felt like I swallowed liquid fire.

Gasping, I placed the empty glass on the table only to notice that Twilight’s horn was glowing, as was her stomach. A small swirling pattern appeared around her belly button for a moment before fading into her fur.

“What’s that about?” I asked with a nod of my head.

She froze, a nervous look crossing her face before she answered. “A cautionary spell. To help with my tolerance.” Picking her glass up in a cloud of magic, she raised it to her lips. “I haven’t been downing bottles as you have, so I’m ensuring I can keep up with you.” She paused with the glass to her lips before, with a grimace, she knocked her head back.

I had to catch her glass as it dropped from her magic. Coughing, she pounded a hoof against her chest, her eyes watering. “How… how can you stand that?” she wheezed. “It’s horrible!”

“You get used to it,” I said with a shrug.

“Why would you want to get used to it?” she asked.

I didn’t answer; just poured us both another round.

By the fourth glass, Twilight was able to down her drink without coughing. She’d still grimace and smack her lips, and a red hue was slowly beginning to spread across her face. We took turns filling up the glasses after each drink, and it soon became clear that I was pouring more into the cups than she was during her turns.

It wasn’t long before I began to feel it. A buzz fell over my head, and my movement became sluggish. There was almost a delay between when I wanted to move my arms and when they actually moved, and it took a great deal of concentration to make sure I was still pouring the whiskey into the glasses and not on the table.

Night was falling as we reached the bottom of the jug.

“So, are you ready to talk about it?” Twilight asked, finally breaking the silence around us. Her words were slurred slightly and one of her ears dropped against the side of her face.

Holding up the empty jug, I gave it a shake. “I don’t think you have enough alcohol to get me there.”

She frowned before screwing up her face in concentration. Her horn sparked to life, the usually calm aura of magic chaotic and choppy. She struggled for a moment before a second jug suddenly appeared on the table in a flash of light.

“Tada!” she chirped, a dopey smile on her muzzle.

“Works for me,” I slurred, already pulling the cork out.

Twilight’s smile faded as she watched me pour more whiskey into the glasses. “So, at what, um… at what… at what point do we stop drinking?”

“When we either run out of booze…” I paused to drain my glass. Letting out a belch, I smacked my lips before filling the glass again. “Or we pass out. Most of the time it’s the former, but sometimes you get lucky and get the latter.”

Twilight’s ears splayed back.

“I’m not… I’m not sure I like the ladder… latter… the last one,” she stammered. “That seems a bit ex-excessive. A bit much. Drinking like that can’t be too good for your health.”

“You don’t drink for your health,” I scoffed.

“Then what do you drink for?” Twilight asked.

I paused with the cup halfway to my lips, my unsteady hand causing most of it to slosh down into my lap. Squinting, I stared at the three Twilights swimming before me for a moment before draining what remained in my glass.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I grumbled, slamming the glass down and reaching for the jug again.

“Well, I do.” I blinked as the jug was suddenly pulled from my grasp by a rosy aura. Twilight held it close to her chest, hugging it in her forelegs. “This isn’t healthy for you.”

“Give it back,” I said, my eyes narrowing.

“No.” She clutched it tighter to herself, a wing splaying out to block my view.

“I said… give it back.” The words growled out of my throat as I felt a growing anger surge through me. My vision swam and it felt like the room was beginning to tilt, but I glared at the Twilights before me.

“And I said no,” Twilight shouted back.

I surged to my feet, causing the couch I had been sitting on to topple backward. Towering over the mare, I clenched my fists and snarled. “Give. It. Back. Now!”

“N-no!” Although she looked alarmed, Twilight stood her ground. “You don’t need it!”

“Yes, I do! Now hand it over!” We were yelling at this point, and somewhere in the back of my mind, a little part of me that wasn’t drowned in alcohol at the moment hoped that we weren’t going to wake anyone up. “I swear to god, Twilight, if you don’t give me that jug right now…”

“You’ll do what?” Her horn lit up and the half-full jug vanished in a burst of light. She gave me a stubborn look, one of her eyelids lower than the other. “You don’t need it, Max!”

“Yes, I fucking do!”

“No, you don’t! Why on Equestria would you need it!?”

“Because it’s the only fucking thing that keeps the goddamn nightmares away!”

CRASH

A muted pain flared up in my left hand, and I glanced down at it in confusion. At some point, I appeared to have gone to pound my fist on the table, only for the empty whiskey jug to get in my way. Shattered shards of glass lay scattered across the table. The bottom of the jug remained intact, a circle of protruding glass running around the edges, giving it the look of a jagged crown. A pool of crimson liquid rippled in the center of the ring of glass. As I watched, more dripped down from my left hand.

“Oh my gosh!” Twilight gasped. “Your hand! Why did you do that?” Her shot glass fell from her grasp and rolled across the floor as she stood up. Before she could move to help me though, I pointed my hand at her, my fingers crimson and wet.

“You don’t know.” My throat was suddenly tight and it was difficult to swallow. I stared down at the terrified mare before me, my breaths coming in short gasps. The room spun and my head throbbed, even as darkness closed in around the corner of my vision. My body shook, although I felt no chill.

“You don’t know,” I repeated, “what it’s like. Night after night. The ceaseless barrage of crippling nightmares and sleep terrors. Horrors so pure that you don’t want to sleep anymore, yet your body yearns for it. Forcing you to return there; to relive those experiences over and over again. To relive your worst fears countless times, unsure of when they will stop.”

“Max, I-I… I don’t…” Twilight choked out, but I didn’t hear her. Instead, I focused on my left hand, running the tips of the fingers of my right hand over the new gashes marring my flesh.

“Some nights I’m back there,” I muttered as I watched the crimson liquid flow. “Back in that room, behind the bars. Back in those endless halls. Back in that place of the damned. I try to escape—I always try to escape. Try to run. But I… I always end up back in that room.” My eyes narrowed. “Back with them.”

“Them?” Twilight asked, her voice small and timid. “Who’s… who’s ‘them’?”

“Them with their damn lies,” I growled. “Their damn lies and their damn story and their damn pills. They try to make me see. They tell me it’s not real, that it’s all in my head. They tell me I need to come back to reality.” Suddenly, I let out a bark-like laugh that caused Twilight to jump back in shock.

“What is reality?” I asked. “What is real and what is an illusion?” Lowering my bleeding hand, I looked to Twilight. “Are you real?”

She blinked in confusion. “Am I… what?”

“Are you real?” I asked again, louder this time. “Are you real? Is any of this real? Or is this all just a figment of my imagination?” Almost trance-like, I reached out towards her with my injured hand. “Is it all just in my head?”

Twilight didn’t move. She just sat there, her eyes wide and fearful. Even as my hand closed around her neck, she remained stationary.

I could feel her pulse against my fingers. It was quick and sporadic, sending life-giving blood coursing through her veins. Her fur was like velvet against my skin, the soft hairs brushing against my rough, calloused hands. My thumb brushed against her windpipe, and I stared into her eyes as she gazed up with me—silently—pleadingly.

“I need you to be real,” I breathed. “I need you… to be real… because I’m not… I’m not strong enough.”

Almost by reflex, my fingers tightened around her throat.

A cry of pain filled the room and I staggered backward, clutching my hand. The sliver of glass that was still embedded in my palm now dug further into my flesh, drawing a fresh wave of crimson blood. I collapsed against the toppled-over couch, swearing under my breath as my left hand throbbed.

Twilight sat where I had left her, a bloody handprint marring her beautiful coat, the red mark wrapping around her neck like a gruesome necklace.

“I’m sorry.” The sobs came before I could stop them. “I’m so sorry.” Keeping my bleeding hand aloft, I buried my face in my other arm and wept. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I…. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I just want the nightmares to stop.” There was the sound of shuffling nearby and a moment later a pair of lavender wings enveloped me.

“I know,” Twilight murmured, and I could smell the alcohol on her breath. She rubbed her cheek against mine. “I know. We’re trying to help you. But you need to let us.”

Wrapping my good arm around her, I pulled her close and didn’t let her go, even when we both slipped into unconsciousness.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

That night, I dreamt I was sitting under a massive tree whose branches moved and swayed even though there wasn’t a breeze. Somewhere, a soft feminine voice was humming a gentle song.

The world was peaceful and calm.

Author's Note

I'm back, baby.

Kinda.

Sorta.

Maybe.

Chapter 25: The Fruits of Our Labor

“You’re a bucking idiot. You know that, right? A bucking idiot.” Using her magic, Ebony carefully maneuvered my hand around. Her green eyes studied the injuries closely. She applied some pressure against the tender flesh, checking to make sure no debris got into the cuts while they had been airing out.

“Yes, I know,” I told her. “You tell me every time you change the bandages. Yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that.” Trying to ignore the dull throbbing from her ministrations, I instead attempted to focus my attention on the book spread across my lap. Thankfully, I was just over halfway through it, so I could easily hold it open with my free hand.

As I turned a page, Twilight twitched beside me. Looking up from her own book, she craned her neck around and gave my choice of reading an incredulous look—the latest of several she’d given me in the past hour. “I can’t believe you’re actually reading that.”

“What? What’s wrong with it?” I asked.

“Well, nothing. It’s just… I didn’t think it’d be your type of story, is all.” Her horn lit up and she lifted the book—taking care not to accidentally lose my place—and studied the cover for a moment. “You do know that’s the second book in the series, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” I said as she gave the book back. “I finished the first one already. Figured I might as well continue the series. You know, see what happens and all that.” It really was a gripping read, now that the plot was actually on the move. It had been a slow start, but it was starting to pay off. Plus, I really needed to learn if it was Iron Rod, Rocky Steady, or Buff Hardback that got Soft Petals’ sister pregnant. Either way, she was going to be so heartbroken.

Twilight watched me for a moment before returning to her own reading with a shake of her head. The book before her was a rather large tome, the pages tattered with age, and it smelled of dusty parchment and leather. She perused the cracked pages and faded writing with ease, as she had done so since she had borrowed it from the Castle of the Pony Sisters. I had inquired earlier about the contents, but the most I had gotten from her explanation was that it held old records of an ancient civilization of antiquity that had been located across the eastern sea. A place called “Dream Valley”.

It sounded like a Luna-type thing to me, but Twilight insisted that this was long before the Princesses.

I winced as Ebony’s magic brushed against a particularly raw gash. “Ouch! Hey, watch it!” My hand jerked back instinctively, but her magic held firm.

“Sorry,” Ebony said. “I need to make sure it’s healing properly though. Some of these cuts are still seeping.”

“What? Seeping?!” came a gasp. “Is he going to be okay? Can he still use that hand? Can he still move his fingers!?”

Sighing, I shook my head at the frantic barrage of questions. From the moment she had entered the library and saw my bandaged hand, she proceeded to fall into a panic attack and had been freaking out ever since. The concern had been humorous at first, but now it was just getting tiresome.

Apparently Ebony felt so too, given the exasperation in her answer. “Yes. His hand is fine, despite its appearance. The cuts are healing just fine. They aren’t serious enough to affect his fingers’ mobility once they close. He might have some scarring, but the hand will be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Ebony gave my hand one last look. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.” She picked up a tube of salve and a roll of bandages off the coffee table. Using her magic, she dabbed the sweet-smelling ointment on the cuts before wrapping the bandages snuggly into place. “There. That should do it for now. We’ll have to change them tomorrow after your shower. Again.”

I flexed my fingers. “Thanks, Ebony.” There was some discomfort, but thankfully my fingers weren’t as stiff as they had been. I could almost close my fist completely again.

“B-but… what if his hand doesn’t heal properly? What if he’s crippled?!”

“Okay. That’s enough of that.” Using a finger on my good hand to keep my place, I closed the book with a ‘snap’. I leaned forward on the couch and gave the fretting mare a pointed look. “You need to relax, okay? We’ve told you this for over an hour now. It’s not that big a deal.”

“Not that big a deal?” The gray mare looked horrified. Her usually prim and proper mane was tangled, and her bow tie was askew and unraveled. She looked normal when she arrived, but upon seeing my injuries, her appearance had changed almost in an instant—like a spring breaking. There was even an accompanying snapping noise.

Shit was weird, yo.

“Not that big a deal!?” Octavia looked like she was ready to explode. If her voice was even shriller, she could shatter glass. “Of course it’s a big bucking deal! That’s your fretting hand! If anything happens to it, you can’t play the cello! You’ll be ruined, destroyed, washed up, unable to perform the songs of another world in front of the eager masses!” Her face paled just at the thought, and she turned to Twilight. “How are you not more concerned about this?!”

Twilight shrugged. “I’ve seen him in worse condition.” She returned to her book for a moment before pausing and looking back up. “I can’t believe I just said that.” Turning to me, she inquired. “How many times have I seen you hurt that I can say that with a straight face?”

“Uhhh…” I gave her a blank look.

“That’s what I thought,” Twilight said.

“It’s not my fault,” I defended. “This world just hates me.”

“You see?” Slumping across the now-cleared coffee table, Octavia threw a foreleg over her face. “This is it. Our duet is finished before it even had a chance to shine. The flame snuffed out before it could grow into a roaring inferno of splendor. Quenched before we had a chance to consume the world of theater in a blaze of glory.” Sighing, she rolled across the small table until her front half was dangling off the edge and she was staring at us upside down.

“Dismal,” she whispered. “Truly dismal.”

Rolling my eyes, I reached down and booped her with the corner of my book. “It’ll be fine,” I told her as I sat back. Crossing my legs, I placed my book across them. “It’s not the first time I’ve cut my hand, and it won’t be the last. I can still play the cello. It’ll just take a week or so to heal to the point I can play comfortably again.”

“That’s too long,” Octavia whined. “I was hoping we could practice today. That’s why I came over here. If you weren’t too rusty, I was going to book a possible gig for next week. Alas, my best-laid plans…”

“A week or so. Take it or leave it,” I said before flipping my book open again.

“Fine.” Standing back up, Octavia straightened out her bowtie, her hair suddenly brushed again. “I suppose that’s the best I’m going to get, all things considered. I should probably count myself lucky that you didn’t lose any fingers. However, you better be ready for a good long session when your hand is healed, because I will not be going easy on you.” She sighed before settling down onto a nearby armchair.

I nodded. “Fair enough.” I tried to return to my book, but a sudden clattering from within the kitchen drew my attention away yet again. “Oi! Will you stop raiding our pantry and get your fat ass out here?”

The noise stopped and a moment later Vinyl exited the kitchen. She had on her usual attire: her sunglasses over her horn, her black surgical mask around her neck, and a pair of headphones over her ears. Pyresteed sat upon her back, swaying gently from side to side as Vinyl walked. Both were chewing on something as they entered the room, and Vinyl had several items of food suspended in her magic

“Hey, I’ll have you know that a big flank is a sign of attractiveness in ponies,” Vinyl said from around her cheek-stuffing morsels. “Let’s the stallions know she eats well and has big hips for birthing. So, thanks for the compliment.”

“Whatever you say, short-horn,” I said.

All the unicorns in the room gasped in unison and stopped what they were doing. Pyresteed took advantage of Vinyl’s distracted state to steal several handfuls of crackers out of her magic, shoving them quickly with a gusto.

“Dude,” Vinyl said, her lower lip quivering, “I thought we were friends.”

“You’re stealing our food,” I shot back.

“You… you insulted her horn,” Twilight breathed.

“She’s stealing our food!”

“I’m not stealing it!”

“Well, you aren’t borrowing it, because I don’t want it back when you’re done with it! So yeah, you’re stealing it!”

“Only the expired stuff. You were going to throw it out anyway!”

I rolled my eyes. “Oh please. None of it was expired. In case you’ve forgotten, the queen of OCD lives here. Don’t deny it,” I said as Twilight opened her mouth. “You check the dates on everything almost weekly. Nothing gets close to expiring in this library.”

“Fine,” Vinyl grumbled. “I guess I’ll just starve. Reduced to nothing more than a skeletal corpse. Thousands of years I’ve survived, only to perish because somepony I thought was my friend refused to let me have some food.”

“Okay. No. None of that bullshit. You can’t come over anymore if both of you are going to be drama queens,” I said. “We’ve got enough drama around here without you two adding to it.”

Vinyl sighed. “No, no, that’s fine. I understand. I’ll just go and put everything back where I found it.” She glanced up at the cloud of magic above her head, only to blink in surprise upon finding it completely void of food. “What the…?”

From behind her, a low, drawn-out belch echoed around the room.

“Need to keep a closer eye on your food,” I chuckled. “Unless properly defended, your food will soon become Pyresteed’s food.” Smiling, I shook my head and opened my book again.

Craning her head backward, Vinyl glared upside down at Pyresteed. “You were supposed to be my accomplice. Instead, you make me your scapegoat. I’m still hungry.”

Pyresteed chirped softly, her head tilting to the side. “Hungry? Alpha hungry?” Reaching into the neck of her shirt, she pulled out an apple that had been hidden between her breasts. “Pyresteed find food. Alpha hungry?”

“Sure!” Holding out my hand, I caught the apple she tossed to me. It was a little slick and sweaty, but a quick wipe from my shirt took care of that.

As I bit into the crisp fruit, Vinyl tsked. “So unfair. I sense some favoritism going on here. I steal food, I get yelled out. She steals food, you turn a blind eye.”

“Yeah, well… she’ll eat anything, so…” I took another bite before passing the fruit to Twilight, who accepted it with thanks. She nibbled around the edge of my bite mark, sucking up the leaking juices as she continued reading.

“Got any more?” I asked Pyresteed. She blinked before rummaging around inside her shirt again. A moment later, a pear was tossed my way, followed swiftly by a packet of nuts.

“That’s rotten,” Vinyl huffed as I dug into the food. She was silent for a moment before perking up. “Oh, speaking of rotten, I just remembered. I was going to ask you. What’s wrong with your tomatoes?”

Sucking on a large nut, I gave her a confused look. “What tomatoes?”

“You know…” Vinyl waved a hoof about. “Your tomatoes.”

“We… don’t have tomatoes.”

“Uh, yeah, you do? They’re growing in the window sill.”

It took me a moment to process what she said, but when it registered, my head shot up. “Say what now?!”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Gathered in the kitchen, we all gaped at the plant that was growing—quite successfully, I might add—in the planter box located in the kitchen window. Long cyan vines crept up the wire trellises that had been provided for them, and the stems hung heavy with dozens of large fruit. The tomatoes were plump and fat, their dark crimson skin spiderwebbed with lighter-colored lines that looked almost like veins.

“It actually worked?” I blinked, expecting the sight before me to change. When it did not, I glanced down at Ebony. “It actually worked?”

“I don’t believe it,” breathed Twilight. “They… grew?”

“Isn’t that what plants do?” Vinyl asked. Scratching at her ear, she tilted her head as she eyed the fruit. “Granted, they look completely different from any type of tomatoes I’ve seen before. They almost look poisonous. What species are they?”

“They were just… normal tomatoes,” I answered, still staring at the impossible fruit. “Like, standard tomato seeds you could get at the store.”

“They weren’t supposed to grow!” Strands of Twilight’s mane stuck out at odd angles. “This doesn’t make sense! I was just humoring you by leaving it up. Nothing was supposed to come from this!”

Octavia gave us a confused look. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. If you expected them not to grow, why did you plant them?”

“And what did you do to them?” Vinyl asked.

“I don’t… what…” Turning, I looked to Ebony. “What did you do?”

“What? Me?” She looked affronted. “You said to keep them watered! That’s what I did!”

“You’ve been using my blood bags?!”

“You said!”

“When I was high!” Covering my face with my hands, I let out a long sigh. “H’oh my god. This… this doesn’t… ugh… Why didn’t you tell us something was growing?”

“I got tired of manually changing the bags,” Ebony said with a shrug, “so I designed an enchantment that would do it for me. All I had to do was keep an eye on the supplies, which, I might add, is getting rather low. How did you not notice?”

“I… have had other things on my mind?” I offered.

“Um, excuse me, but can we get some clarification here, please?” Octavia asked, Vinyl nodding along beside her.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I turned back to the plant. “Long story short? Due to an idea that came to us when we were high on painkillers, we decided to try and grow tomatoes using blood instead of water.”

“What in the world would make you think of that?!” After explaining to her our reasoning behind the grotesque experiment, her muzzle scrunched up. “Not only is that… disgusting, it’s also impossible.”

Saying nothing, I gestured towards the plants with both arms.

Silence fell over the kitchen again as everyone’s attention returned to the tomatoes. The shadows of the leaves danced across the fruit, giving them the illusion that they were almost pulsing like a heart. Glancing down, I brushed a finger up my arm, following the visible vein until it disappeared beneath my sleeve.

Vinyl cleared her throat. “So, um… what do you think they taste like?”

Chapter 26: Blood From a Turnip

Primrose was crying.

Tears streamed down her face as she held the half-eaten tomato in her hooves. Blood-like juices dribbled from the corners of her lips, staining her fur dark, but she didn’t seem to care. Her eyes were closed as she chewed reverently, and small sobs shook her chest.

“This…” she said after swallowing. “I can’t… this. Gods, I’ve missed this. The flavor. It… it reminds me… of… ugh.” Choking back another sob, she dug her fangs aggressively into the tomato again, tearing off another chunk. “I can taste again! It… it tastes like a tomato. Fang and fur, oh how I’ve missed this! Food. Actual flavorful food!”

Beside her, Vinyl sat with both her cheeks bulging. She had stuffed a second tomato whole into her maw after viciously devouring the first. Unlike Primrose though, the fur around her muzzle was still pristine white, as she was almost zealously slurping up all the juices that were trying to escape. Her eyes were wide open, and her pupils were dilated to the point of practically consuming her red irises. She was still, save for an ear tapping against the side of her head.

“I’ve never seen her like this before,” Octavia said. She waved a hoof in front of Vinyl’s face and received no reaction. “Did… did you break her?” Placing a hoof against Vinyl’s chest, she tried to push her over, but the unicorn had become a statue. “Oh my.”

“Apparently it tastes really good?” At the sound of retching, I glanced over at the sink where Twilight was trying desperately to rinse her mouth out with the hose extension. A tomato with only one bite out of it rested on the floor, discarded quickly in her mad rush to purge her mouth. Pyresteed eyed the fruit curiously, nudging it with her big toe. “Only for sanguinarians though? I guess?”

“Because they were grown with blood?” Octavia eyed the tomato plant in the window. “I… just don’t understand it. It shouldn’t be possible.”

“The impossible is delicious,” Primrose mewled as she eagerly plucked another fruit. With a crisp snap, she took another mouthful. “I’m in love. These tomatoes. So flavorful. I had forgotten how good they were.” Crimson liquid dribbled down her chin and dripped to the floor. “It’s like my tastebuds are alive again.”

“Interesting,” Ebony muttered. She leaned in, studying the plant closely with a critical eye. “It appears to be a mutation, but not one based on the genetics of the plant. It couldn’t have crossed-bred with anything yet, so… what factor caused the change?” Rubbing her chin, she plucked one of the tomatoes with her magic, holding it up into the sunlight.

I felt something grab my arm and looked down. Twilight was back, her muzzle still damp from the sink. She gripped my arm in her magic, twisting it about to get a better look at my veins. “Could it be residual chaotic magic leftover from before? Some lingering energy from Discord’s influence?”

“Doubtful,” Ebony said, still playing with the tomato. “It’s been long enough that any residue should have evaporated off of him.”

“What if he’s generating his own magic?”

“Possible.” Lowering the tomato, Ebony glanced at me. “Try to use magic.”

I stared at her blankly before lifting my unbandaged hand and snapping. There was a moment of silence as if the world was holding its breath… but nothing happened save for a crow crying off in the distance.

Perturbed, Twilight released my arm. “Okay, so it’s not that then,” she grumbled.

Pyresteed had by then retrieved two tomatoes and, with very little grace, had crammed both into her mouth, her cheeks bulging in a chipmunk-ish fashion. Her eyes crossed as she tried her best to chew the massive fruits, and her cheeks began to darken.

“So,” I said slowly as I scratched at my beard, “putting aside the impossibility of what happened, do you think we should try it again, but with a different plant?”

Ebony gave me a confused look. “What? You mean with other fruits and vegetables?”

“Yeah. Like with lettuce or carrots or cabbages or something like that.” Taking the tomato from her, I turned it about in my hands. “If we can grow tomatoes with blood, what else can we grow? Or was it a once-off?”

“Hmmm, that might be worth looking into,” Ebony hummed, nodding her head.

Octavia watched us with wide eyes. “Weren’t the tomatoes enough? You didn’t even know this grotesque experiment would work! I might not be much of a farmer, but my Earth pony senses don’t like the feel of it one bit.” She shivered, trotting in place. “It’s one thing to completely defy the laws of nature once, but now you want to do it again? For what purpose, might I ask?”

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I held the tomato out. Almost immediately, the fruit was snatched up in a crimson aura, followed shortly by the squishing sound of it being consumed with gusto. Tugging at my beard, I gave Octavia a sidelong look. “I’m not sure yet, but I think I might be getting an idea.”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

It was humid in the greenhouse. Not even five minutes inside and I could already feel my shirt clinging to my chest. Sunlight streamed in through the green-tinted glass panes and condensation clung to them, adding to the atmosphere inside the building. It was a medium-sized structure which Ebony had constructed behind the library, tucked into a couple of larger roots that forked off from the base of the treebrary. The whole thing was designed to look organic—like it was an extension of the library itself.

Ebony rummaged through a couple of drawers that lined the back wall. Her bandana was wrapped around her head and a pencil was tucked behind her ear.

“Right,” she said, holding up a packet of seeds. “Here’s the plan. Most of these things will grow relatively quickly. However, for the sake of the experiment—and because I happen to be well versed with plants—we should be able to speed up their growth rate without tainting them too much.”

“Taint?” I asked.

“Cause the food to become inedible or poisonous from corruption or rot due to the cells not forming properly.”

“Ah, gotcha.” Glancing over the seed packets she was pulling out, I took note of what she had selected: tomatoes, onions lettuce, carrots, potatoes, peppers, jalapeños, spinach, cabbage; just to name a few. “Is this everything you have?”

“You were expecting more?” Ebony asked. “This is what I have at the moment. If you want something specific, I’ll have to visit Lily, Daisy, and Roseluck in order to get it.”

“No, that’s fine. This will work for now. What’s next?”

Ebony sucked on her lip. “Well, this is going to be the hard part. We need blood. Lots of blood. Lots of your blood, specifically. And that’s going to be a problem, as it’ll take you too long to naturally replenish the supplies.”

“Can’t we just use someone else’s blood as well?” I asked. “I’m sure if we all contribute, we can get enough.”

“If you want to ruin the experiment aspect of this,” Ebony sniffed. “Plants won’t grow with pony blood, or else major battlefields of the past would be fertile farmlands. They’re not. Just look at the wastelands. However, we do know that they’ll grow with your blood. At least, that’s what we’ve already observed. For all we know, that was an anomaly which we’ll never be able to replicate and we’re about to waste a bunch of seeds. Still, the fewer variables we have, the better. Ergo, we need to use your blood, and only your blood, for this first batch.”

“And we’ve already used most of our supply on the tomatoes,” I sighed. Running a hand through my short hair, I shook my head. “Okay, so… this might not work then. We’re already running into issues and we haven’t even started properly. Are we going to have to scrap this idea until a later date?”

“Eh, not necessarily,” Ebony said with a thoughtful look. “We have enough of your blood saved up to get started. The issue is in maintaining the supply without draining you dry. Normally it’d take about eight weeks for you to be ready to give more blood, but…” She trailed off, her eyes darting back and forth. “I might have a solution, actually. An old colleague of mine used to dabble in blood magic in her spare time. She miiight have a workaround for our problem. I’ll send her a letter, and set up the plants in the meantime.”

“Alright. Keep me abreast, if you wouldn’t mind.” I turned to leave, only to turn back. “Oh, and you might want to invest in some security for the greenhouse.”

Ebony glanced up from the seeds she was sorting out. “What? Why?”

Wordlessly, I pointed over my shoulder to where Vinyl had her muzzle pressed up against one of the glass panes. Upon seeing that we noticed her, she gave us a crooked smile. “Hey, neighbors! Yous got any more of them there ‘maters?”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Night had settled over Ponyville, bringing with it an abnormal chill in the air. A thin layer of mist hung across the streets, glowing softly beneath the streetlights. There were no clouds, yet the moon offered no warmth and the stars peered down with disinterest. According to the weather team, it was the start of a cold front that would last for a few days before dissipating. Rain was scheduled for tomorrow, and even with the lack of clouds, you could still smell it in the air.

Twilight was already in bed when I got out of the bath, wrapped cozily in a blanket while she read by the light of the bedside lamp. She glanced up as I entered, and her eyes immediately went to the towel about my waist.

“Like what you see?” I asked as her ears perked.

“Perhaps,” she purred. “Did you have a nice soak? Are the scented candles helping you relax? Vanilla is supposed to help with stress and happiness.”

“It was nice,” I said. “I’m not sure if the candles are helping, but I did almost fall asleep. Although, that might have just been the darkness.” Making my way to the dresser, I started to rummage through the drawers. Due to her lack of need for clothing, Twilight’s clothing only took up the top drawer, and even those were not articles of clothing one would want to wear in public (unless one was into that sort of thing). The other three drawers were left to me. The first contained my shirts, the next held my underwear and socks, while the last one was packed with my pants.

After a moment of looking through my shirt drawer, I straightened back up, shirtless. Scratching my head, I looked to Twilight. “Uh, have you seen my shirt with the purple rose on the right sleeve?”

“Not that I can recall,” she answered. “Did you check the hamper?”

“It wouldn’t be in there,” I said as I searched through the drawer again. “I haven’t worn it since last laundry day. Hell, I haven’t even seen it since last laundry day, come to think of it.”

“Why do you want that shirt in particular? You have plenty of them.”

“Because it’s a comfy shirt.”

“And the other ones aren’t?”

I turned around and pointed my bandaged hand at her. “Look. I don’t expect someone who barely ever wears clothing to understand, but certain things are just… comfier than others. Like, you’ll have one shirt that’s just better than all the rest, and you can’t explain it, but you’ll wear that shirt until it falls apart around your shoulders.”

“And that shirt is the purple rose one?” Twilight asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“No,” I said, turning back. I grabbed a random shirt—a dark gray one with a purple slash around the middle—before closing the drawer. “That shirt is currently missing as well, so I was going to settle for my second comfiest shirt. But now that one is missing too. Several of my shirts are missing, and yet no one is fessing up to it.” Pulling the shirt over my head, I let out a disgruntled huff. “I swear, it’s like they’re just vanishing into thin air.”

“Maybe it’s Pyresteed?” Twilight offered as I climbed into bed with her.

Grabbing the blankets, I pulled them back, exposing Twilight to the cool air. Her complaints died quickly though as I slipped inside, snuggling up next to her before pulling the blankets about us again, cocooning us in a shell of warmth.

“I doubt it,” I said. Settling my head on top of hers, I sighed. “She only ever wears the one shirt, and she refuses to part with it except for when I force her to wash it. The minute it’s dry again, she has it back on.”

“Strange.” Twilight fell silent and resumed her reading.

Letting her return to her book, I turned my attention to the window. Outside, Ponyville was dark, the few remaining lights turning out one by one as ponies headed for bed. There was a faint hoot from above as Owlowiscious took off to hunt, the owl’s dark shape disappearing into the night. I stargazed, subconsciously pulling Twilight closer to me as I stared up into the vast, incomprehensible heavens above.

Chapter 27: A Mouthful of Naughtiness

Author's Note

Sorry about the huge delay in chapters. I broke down and got a new job, and am currently adjusting to it.

Chapter 27: A Mouthful of Naughtiness

With a thump, I dropped the empty basket into the grass. Straightening up, I ran a hand through my short-ish hair as I eyed the lines of dry clothing fluttering in the warm spring breeze. Most of them were my clothes, but there was also bedding and blankets in the mix.

It was a warm morning, with the sun shining through the growing cloud cover the weather team was settling into place. There was rain coming in the afternoon, which was scheduled to turn into a thunderstorm later. As such, I was hurrying to finish the laundry before said rain paid us a visit.

That also meant I had to get up earlier than I liked in order to do so.

“Ah, fuck me…” Sighing, I stretched before grabbing the nearest article of clothing. I gave it a good shake before folding and depositing it into the basket. Then I grabbed the next one and did the same, and then the next one, working my way down the line. I had some issues with the fitted sheet and their stupid corners, but I eventually managed to fold them in a somewhat decent manner.

Kinda.

Not really.

I hummed tunelessly as I worked, and before long I had finished the first line. As I started on the second line though, I noticed something odd. There were odd gaps on the line where things had previously hung but were now vacant.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I stared at the holes for a moment before glancing back towards the library. “Hey! Spike!” There was a moment of silence before a small head poked out one of the second-floor windows.

“Yeah?” he called down.

“Did you take something off the line?”

“Nuh-uh, man. I haven’t touched the lines today,” he replied.

“Huh…” I scratched at my beard, which was getting on the long side. “A’ight. Sorry to bother you.”

“No problem.” His head disappeared back inside, leaving me to myself again.

“Strange,” I muttered, still staring at the empty spots. “Maybe it was something of Ebony’s or Primrose’s? No, wait, they didn’t have anything in this batch. One of Twilight’s then? No, all the bedding is still here…” A weather pony flew by overhead, pushing a cloud, and I shook my head. “Whatever. Need to get this done.”

I was halfway through the line when I realized what was missing. “Son of a…” Doing a quick count of those that were still hanging and those I had already folded, I cursed. “Really? I don’t get it. Why is it my shirts? Why is it my shirts?” Grumbling to myself, I quickly grabbed my remaining shirts before returning to the other clothing.

This was getting annoying. With more and more of my shirts coming up missing, it wouldn’t be long before I didn’t have any left. The line hadn’t even been unattended for that long. I stepped inside for about ten minutes in order to get a book to read. I had been seated against the side of the treebrary, reading for the entire time. Nobody had entered the backyard, and yet, my shirts were missing.

Grimacing, I was forced to put the issue aside and return to folding the rest of the laundry. Overhead, the clouds continued to accumulate and darken.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Rain pattered steadily against the window as I sunk onto the couch with a groan. It was getting late in the afternoon, and I had just finished with the last of the chores on my list. A few of them had taken a bit longer than I had anticipated, but now that they were finished, I actually felt accomplished. All there was left to do now was relax for a few minutes before getting up to find something to eat.

There was some rustling coming from upstairs; no doubt Spike working on something or other. Ebony was out in the greenhouse, trying to get all the plants set up from the experiment. Avera was probably helping the weather team finish up their preparations, and Primrose would be downstairs napping. As for Twilight, she was helping Pinkie test out a new recipe for cupcakes. That just left one other member…

…

Now that I think about it, I wasn’t entirely sure where Pyresteed was.

That… was actually an issue. I hadn’t seen her all day, and that was never a good sign.

I was in the process of willing my tired body to get up and go look for the weird oddball when, with a ‘bampf’, Twilight appeared in the middle of the library in a flash of light. She blinked and looked around, only to lift a hoof upon seeing me. A smile touched her lips. “Oh, good. You’re here. Excellent.”

“Um… was I supposed to be somewhere else?” I asked, quickly trying to remember if I had previous obligations that I had completely forgotten about.

“I don’t know,” she confessed. “Here is fine. Here is more than fine, actually. I was hoping that you didn’t wander out into town today. It’s getting a little rough out there. That’s all.” She ruffled her wings, and it was then that I noticed she was positively dripping wet.

“Good god. What happened to you?”

“I stepped out of Sugarcube Corner.” She gave her wings a flap, sending a wave of water droplets cascading to the floor. “It was only for a moment, but I got completely soaked! Decided to teleport home instead. Unfortunately…” she motioned to the puddle growing at her hooves “...it was too little, too late.”

“Well, make sure you clean up after yourself,” I said. Leaning back, I rested my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes. “I just finished cleaning up around here, and I’d like it to remain clean for as long as possible.”

“Huh? Really?” There was a chime of magic and I felt a wave of heat wash over me. Cracking open my eye, I saw that Twilight was now completely dry. Her mane was still disheveled and her coat was now a little poofy, but both just contributed to her adorableness.

She eyed me with some amusement as she trotted up. “So, you did some cleaning today? Really? Without me needing to ask you?”

I nodded. “Yeah, actually. I did. Surprise!”

Her eyes narrowed. “Did you do the laundry? Did you dust the shelves? Did you set up the coffee so it’d be ready to go in the morning?”

“Yup!” I closed my eyes again. “Everything’s set up and ready to go. Just hit the button and blam! Coffee.” There was a moment of silence before a sudden weight settled on top of me. Opening my eyes, I came face to face with Twilight, who was now seated in my lap.

“That,” she whispered, her eyes lidded, “is the sexiest thing I’ve heard all day.” Leaning in, she pressed her soft lips against mine, the sensation sending a jolt of pleasure racing down my spine. The scent of lavender filled my nostrils, flooding my senses and causing me to slump further down into the couch. It was heavenly...

It only lasted a second before she pulled away.

My lips still tingling, I licked them as my pulse quickened. I wanted more. “W-well, how about this? I also cleaned both bathrooms and changed out the towels.”

“Oooh…” Twilight breathed. “Tell me more.” Leaning down, she nuzzled the side of my face. “Please,” she pleaded, “tell me more. Surprise me, stud.” Her breath washed over my skin, sending goosebumps across my arms.

“I changed the sheets on the beds, emptied the trash bins, and sent out all the late notices in the mail.” With each task I listed, Twilight let out little, mewling gasps and buried her face further against my cheek. She pressed her body against me, her coat sliding against my shirt.

“Oh my goodness,” she moaned in my ear. “Give me more, stud. I need more.”

I tried to speak, but my words caught in my throat as her tongue suddenly brushed along the ridge of my ear. She nibbled on my lobe and I squirmed beneath her weight. It was suddenly very, very warm in the room, and I was acutely aware of her weight pressing down on something very, very sensitive.

“Ha… ah… I-I ordered some updated books f-for the library,” I stammered, subconsciously turning my head to allow her greater access to my ear. I placed a hand on her flank, to which she groaned into my ear. “The first s-shipment should be here in about a w-w-weee—ah! In about a week!”

Twilight went stiff. “Oh, Celestia, yes!” she cried, throwing her head back. “That’s the stuff! Oh my, yes! Yes! Yes!” Leaning down, she captured my lips again in an aggressive kiss, her tongue ruthlessly invading my mouth, before suddenly turning and jumping down off the couch. She trotted off, leaving me dazed, confused, and extremely flustered.

“W-wait,” I called after her, the hand that had been on her butt now just hanging in mid-air.

“Hmmm?” She paused and looked back over her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Did you need something?”

“That… that’s it?” I sputtered. “All that build-up? The sexiness? The licking? We’re not just gonna, you know… do it now?”

“Eh…” Twilight shrugged. “The moment’s kind of passed… but thanks for doing all those things! You’re amazing.” Her laughter filled the library as a pillow cushion hurled across the room to bean her in the ass.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

I stared down my foe with great intensity.

She stared back with a matching level of innocence.

Silence filled the room as we continued our staring contest. Only the sound of the rain outside could be heard. Neither of us moved, neither of us blinked, and I’m pretty sure at one point neither of us breathed for a brief moment.

And then…

“WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?!” I roared, lunging over the couch.

Cheeks bulging, Pyresteed juked left, dodging under my reaching arms and ducking around the furniture. Her scarred feet slapped against the floor as she ran, and her hair billowed out behind her.

I tried to correct myself in mid-air, which only resulted in me knocking over the coffee table. As pain exploded in my shin, I turned and chased after the fleeing female. “Oh no you don’t! Get back here!” My fingers brushed against the back of her shirt, but she ducked and weaved again, twisting her torso in an almost cat-like manner. Before I could grab her, she rolled under the couch and popped out the other side.

“Don’t you dare!” I began, but it was too late. Now in the clear, Pyresteed took off and nyoom’ed quickly up the stairs.

Letting out a cry of frustration, I charged after her.

At the top of the stairs, a disheveled-looking Spike lay collapsed on the floor, his eyes rolling in his head. “Ugh, what hit me?” he asked as I raced by.

From room to room we played this game of cat and mouse. We went up and down the stairs several times (Spike had quickly gotten out of the danger zone) and made so much noise that before long we had an audience. Perched on top of one of the bookshelves, Avera watched on with some amusement. Ebony and Spike both watched from the safety of the couch, a rosy dome of magic covering them. Their heads turned back and forth as they followed us.

“Gotcha!” Making a diving tackle, I finally managed to catch Pyresteed as she moved to race up the stairs a fourth time. Pinning her beneath my weight, I grabbed her head in my hands. “Open your mouth!”

Arms trapped against her sides, she could only kick her legs as she tried to wiggle her head from my grasp.

“Open your mouth!” I repeated. “What the hell do you have?”

“Mmmgrrrrlf!” came the muffled reply as she refused to.

“Open your mouth!”

“Mmnnngrph!”

“Open your mouth this instant!”

“Gggfffllrrrkk!”

Pyresteed, I swear if you do not open your mouth this instant…” Clutching at her chin, I began to try and pry her jaw open. She fought back, determined to keep her prize. Her knees thumped against my back, the blows surprisingly strong.

We continued to wrestle with one another for about a minute before I was finally able to make some progress. It was about that time that Twilight appeared at the top of the stairs.

“What in Equestria is going on down here?” she asked.

“Ah-ha!” I cried out, holding the stolen prize aloft for all to see. Silence fell as everyone stared at the thing held in my hand.

“Holy buck,” Avera whistled.

“I don’t believe it,” chimed in Ebony. Spike and Twilight just stared with wide eyes.

“Jesus Christ, Pryesteed,” I said as I got off of her. “You’ve got to stop putting anything and everything into your mouth.” Opening my hand, I watched as the bird flitted away drunkenly, probably still dazed from its time in its fleshy prison. It bumped into the wall several times before finally collapsing onto a high-up window sill.

“Nuuuh,” Pyresteed whined as she watched it fly away. “Peep peeper. Come back!” She hiccupped, and a cloud of feathers burst from her mouth.

Chapter 28: Ain't No Grave...

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Chapter 29: Truth Will Out

There was a touch of humidity in the air the next morning. I could feel it even before I stepped out of the library, although I wasn’t too concerned about it. It wasn’t a thick summer humidity that promised to keep you wet even hours after you stepped out of the shower, but a thin, shimmering blanket that promised allergies to come. The weather report called for more rain later in the afternoon though, so it wouldn’t last long.

Clipping my modified saddlebags around my waist, I shook my head at Ebony who was adjusting the straps of her own bags. “You know, you don’t have to come with me, right? I’m pretty sure I can find my way there by myself without any trouble.”

“Okay, first of all, that’s a lie,” she deadpanned. “We all know you’re a trouble magnet. No, wait. A trouble black hole. Every time you’ve been by yourself for more than a few minutes, something happens. I’m right, aren’t I?” she asked Primrose, who was resting on the couch. “Every single time!”

The bat pony nodded her head, eyes bloodshot and lidded.

“Not every time,” I frowned.

Ebony cocked an eyebrow. “The human fighting pit. The manticores. Lyra Heartstrings. The Gala. The infected human. Hearth’s Warming Eve. The Discord fiasco.”

“What about the timberwolves?” I asked, crossing my arms. “You guys were with me when that happened!” She stared at me for a few moments before I huffed and looked away. “Fine, whatever. So what? You’re going to escort me there, stand around and watch, and then escort me back? That’s your plan for the day, and every other day I go somewhere?”

“Oh goodness, no.” Ebony shook her head. “I’m going into town because I need to run a few errands for the greenhouse before the storm hits. The flower sisters have some new items in stock I want to look at too.”

“So why bring up the trouble thing?” I asked, annoyed.

“Because I didn’t want you lying to yourself or others,” she said, batting her eyelashes at me.

I glared at her before tsking. “I hate you. That was unnecessary.” As she stuck her tongue out at me, I turned and called up the stairs. “Twilight! I’m heading out for a bit! Do you need anything while I’m out?” After a few moments, there came a returning shout from somewhere up above.

“No, I’m good. Thank you!”

“Suit yourself,” I muttered. Stretching, I nudged Ebony with my knee. “Alright. Let’s get going, fam. Got stuff to do and ponies to see.” She motioned for me to lead the way, and we both slipped out of the library.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

The inside of the Carousel Boutique was unusually messy. Swatches of fabric lay draped over every table surface and piles of discarded scraps were accumulating in the corners. Half a dozen ponyquins were scattered about, each one dressed up in various outfits that were all half-finished. Thread covered everything like some multi-colored spider silk.

As the front door closed behind me, I glanced around at the disaster scene with morbid curiosity.

“Rarity?” I called out. “You home? Or alive for that matter?” When I received no reply, I clicked my tongue before reaching up and grabbing the cord of the bell above the door. In a single, deft movement, I rang the bell frantically for several seconds before letting it fall silent again.

Before the echo finished fading, a pile of clothing in the far corner began to move. The tip of a white horn emerged from beneath a torn piece of red cloth. A moment later the rest of the unicorn appeared, the fabric draping over her shoulders like a shawl. She had wrinkles under her eyes and her red glasses were slightly crooked, but surprisingly, her mane and tail were still in pristine shape despite having been buried under a mountain of cloth.

Rubbing her cheek, Rarity glanced around blearily. Upon spotting me standing there, her eyes widened.

“Goodness, darling, was that you?” she yawned. “Isn’t it a little late to be making so much noise?”

“I, uhhh…” I glanced out the front window at the sunshine and shopping ponies outside before turning back to her. “It’s… not that late? I mean, maybe to someone like Twilight, but it’s still before noon.”

“Wha…?” Looking at the clock, Rarity’s ears folded back as she noticed the time. “Oh no! No no no! Don’t tell me I was like that all night!” Hurrying to a nearby mirror, she began fretting over her appearance. Her horn sparked to life and brushes and powders orbited her head.

“Long night?” I asked as I placed my saddlebags down next to the door.

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” Rarity said as she worked. “Just some work for an upcoming event in Manehattan. A little crunched for time, but I’ve managed such things before. Unfortunately, though, I ran into a bit of a block last night and it appears I may have… worked myself a bit too hard trying to overcome it.”

“Oh, well, if you’re busy, I can always come back later,” I offered. “It’s not that important and I don’t want to distract you from your work.”

Putting the finishing touches to her appearance, Rarity tsked. “Oh, pish posh. You are no bother, darling. If anything, this will be a welcome change. Hopefully focusing on something else will help get me back into the zone.” Putting her brushes away, she turned to me. “Now, what can I do for you?”

“I need shirts.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I need some shirts.”

She gave me a confused look. “Shirts? You need… shirts? Just shirts?” After studying me for a moment, she pursed her lips. “May I inquire as to the reason? Is there an event coming up that you need to dress up for? Some formal event? Perhaps a shirt for working outside beneath the sun? Anything like that?”

“Nah, nothing like that, thankfully,” I said with a shake of my head. “Just plain, simple day-to-day shirts. For whatever reason, I appear to be losing them lately. I have no clue what’s happening to them, but they are disappearing faster than cupcakes at a Pinkie Pie party. I think I have like… three shirts left right now, and with summer coming up, I don’t want sunburns, so yeah… I need more. Think you can do it?”

Rarity tittered. “And here I thought you might be providing me with an actual challenge. That’s a rather simple task, darling. I should be able to produce several pieces in rather short order. Unless…” She rubbed her chin. “Unless, of course, you want to add any unique designs to some of them? Some strips perhaps? Or maybe some pockets? Removable sleeves?”

I opened my mouth to decline her offer, but paused instead at the last option. My eyes narrowed. “Removable sleeves?”

“Long sleeves in the morning, short sleeves at night,” Rarity said with a grin. “It’s a new fashion trend that’s been popping up in Las Pegasus lately, and I’ve simply been dying to try it out. Granted, the original design is meant for ponies, but modifying it for humans would be no trouble at all.”

I stared at her before nodding slowly. “Got any examples to show?”

Rarity’s eyes sparkled. “You know, I think I actually might. One second, darling.”

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

“Thanks again for seeing me on such short notice.” Waving to Rarity over my shoulder, I exited the Boutique with my saddlebags full of several new shirts. They were basic ones, monocolored with Twilight’s cutie mark embroidered on the back. She couldn’t get to the removable sleeves version just yet, but Rarity promised me that she would get to them as soon as possible.

Rarity returned the wave absentmindedly as the door closed, already gathering her supplies again with a look of concentration on her face. Leaving her to her work, I moved off down the street towards home.

Dark clouds were starting to be gathered in the sky. The weather team was bringing in small rain clouds and clumping them together, where they slowly grew into bigger and bigger clouds as they drew moisture from the area. A breeze was beginning to pick up, the scent of rain seeping into the air.

There were still a few ponies left in the marketplace, finishing up some last-minute shopping before the storm hit. A lone human hung about the fountain, staring up at the weather team as her hair whipped in the wind. Every so often one of the younger pegasi would flitter down, boop the human on the head before returning to the clouds. In the distance, a whistle sounded as a train pulled into Ponyville station.

I hung around the market for a few minutes to see if Ebony might make an appearance. Since I didn’t know how long her errands would take, I figured I’d wait for her. For all I knew though, she was already back at the library. If not, it wasn’t that hard to find; you could literally see it from the marketplace.

When it became apparent that Ebony wasn’t going to show, and most of the sky was blocked by ominous gray clouds, I decided to head for home. Ditzy waved at me as I passed, one wing ushering her daughter along in front of her.

The branches of the library were whipping back and forth in the wind as I walked up the path to the front door. A flash of light came from somewhere behind me, and a few seconds later a low rumble echoed through the town.

“Looks like I made it just in time,” I muttered to myself as I pushed the door open and slipped inside. As it closed behind me, I unbuckled my saddlebags and went to put them on the floor, only to pause.

Across the room, the small cupboard beneath the stairs was open. In front of it stood Twilight. She had been in the process of putting something inside the small closet, so I had a pretty good view of her rump. She stared back over her shoulder at me, her eyes wide with alarm and her wings flared wide. Her tail lashed to the side, revealing certain… parts to my gaze.

However, that’s not what made me pause.

No, the thing that truly caught my attention was the shirt dangling from between her teeth.

One of my shirts.

Not only that, but just past Twilight, I could see the contents of the cupboard, which happened to be a cacophony of blankets and various books, as well as what looked to be all of my missing shirts.

“It was you,” I hissed.

Twilight’s pupils were the size of pinpricks.

Silence fell over the room as both of us just stared at each other, the only sound being the sound of the storm growing stronger outside.

Then, as a bolt of lightning lit up the sky outside, I lunged for her.

A loud whinny escaped her as Twilight bolted, but she tripped over the shirt in her teeth. Before she could recover, I was upon her with a shout. One hand grabbed her shoulder while the other grasped at my shirt. I tried wrestling it from her, but she jerked her head away, trying desperately to keep a hold of the shirt. The tip of her horn scratched my bottom lip.

“Twilight, what the fu—oof!” The air left my lungs as one of her back hooves connected with my stomach. We both toppled over, struggling with one another in a frenzy of hair and feathers. “What the fuck, Twilight? What are you—ouch! Stop that!” Letting go of the shirt, I lifted my hand to protect my face from her buffeting wings.

Twilight tried to take advantage of my distraction and scamper off, but I wrapped my arms around her barrel, pinning her against my chest. A rush of hot air blew in my ear as she snorted. That was the only warning I got before Twilight planted her hooves on either side of my body and rolled. I held on for dear life as she tried to barrel roll me off of her. She rolled a second time followed quickly by a third after which we crashed into the couch, toppling it over as well. Cushions cascaded down around us, adding to the chaos and confusion.

“This… is… ridiculous!” I growled, shaking my head to dislodge a pillow that was threatening to smother my face. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Twilight growled from around the shirt, her ears splayed back and her pupils the size of pinpricks. Her nostrils flared as she snorted again.

“I’m not sure what’s gotten into you, but you can’t have this!” Struggling to maneuver myself around, I finally managed to get the upper hand for a brief moment. With some difficulty, I opened her jaw up just enough to tear the shirt away. My cry of triumph though was immediately stifled when she twisted her neck about and bit down on the shirt I was wearing instead. I cried out in pain as she chomped on some of my flesh as well. “Mother fu—!”

Before another round could start, the front door burst open. “Hello~~~! Twilight! Anypony home? Sorry to barge on in, but it’s storming out there to beat the band. Oh, um… am I interrupting something?”

Both Twilight and I whipped our heads around to stare at the front door and the very pink, very confused pony that was standing there. Outside, lightning flashed across the blackened sky and thunder rumbled loudly.

Slowly, Cadance glanced back and forth between us, her bemused look deepening. “I, um…” Her gaze drifted from my cracked lip, to a disheveled Twilight who still had the shirt I was wearing clenched in her teeth, to the fallen couch.

Upon seeing the opened cupboard door and the contents within, her puzzled expression gradually shifted to surprise and then to glee. Sitting down, she clopped her hooves together all while giggling uncontrollably. “Is that… Twilight, are you nesting?”

“N-no,” Twilight stammered out from around my shirt. “No, I-I’m not!”

Cadance’s eyes narrowed and she made to step towards the cupboard, only for Twilight to squawk and fluff out her chest and wings aggressively. She jumped off me and darted in front of the cupboard, blocking her path.

This caused Cadance to squee, dancing in place. “Oh, I knew it! You are nesting! But that means… h’oh my gosh! Twilight!

“You’re pregnant!”

Author's Note

And we're back, baby. :yay: Sorry for such a long hiatus, but things happen, . Needless to say, I'm happy to be back on the typewriter again.

Chapter 30: A Heart in the Storm

Cadance and Twilight’s mouths were still moving, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. There was a loud ringing in my ears that drowned out all other noise. The only thing I could focus on was Cadance’s words which kept bouncing around in my head over and over again.

Twilight! You’re pregnant!

Twilight! You’re pregnant!

Twilight! You’re pregnant!

Mind reeling, I stared wide-eyed at Twilight. She was babbling wordlessly, shaking her head at Cadance even as the pink alicorn nodded back with the biggest grin on her face. The two were arguing back and forth, their words lost to me. Instead, I found my gaze drifting down to Twilight’s barrel. Was it just my imagination, or did her stomach actually look plumper than I remembered? Could… could Cadance’s words be true? Had she been having more mood swings these past few weeks, or was I just seeing the past through biased eyes now?

No, no… that wasn’t it. Suddenly, everything Luna had been hinting at made much more sense. Her insisting that I’d have to learn to love one more pony before too long, noting Twilight being more hormonal than usual, and her annoyance over the fact that Twilight apparently was not telling me something important.

And this would definitely count as something important.

But if both her and Cadance were right, and Twilight really was pregnant, then that would mean…

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt too tight and my heart was thundering away painfully behind my ribs. The world was spinning, and I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. I struggled to catch my breath, but the walls were closing in around me. The library was becoming too cramped. I needed to get outside. I needed fresh air.

I needed to get away!

Trying to fight back the growing panic that was threatening to consume me, I struggled to my feet. I had hoped to slip out unnoticed while the two mares continued their arguing, but my sudden movement drew both their attention almost instantly.

Cadance eyed me curiously, her head tilting to the side. Twilight on the other hand was wide-eyed and frizzy-maned with a look of panic on her face. As I stood up, she let out a high-pitched whimper, her wings twitching sporadically.

I dismissed both of them and lurched towards the door.

“Wait, where are you going?” I faintly heard Cadance ask.

“N-no, wait! I can explain!” In a flash of light, Twilight was beside me.

Before I could stop myself, I flinched away from her. There came a gasp, I wasn’t sure from whom. I could barely hear; my heart felt like it was about to explode. I had to get out. I had to escape, to get away. I needed… I needed…

I wasn’t actually sure what I needed, I just knew I had to get outside right now!

Trying to ignore the hurt look on Twilight’s face, I made a dash for the door and burst out into the pouring rain.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

It was an unknown amount of time later that I finally came back to my senses.

The first thing I noticed was that I was soaked to the bone, my drenched clothing clinging to my body and offering no protection from the howling wind. The rain was coming down so hard that I could barely see anything more than a few feet in front of me. Unable to see clearly, I stumbled along until eventually, a tree loomed out of the darkness in front of me. I threw myself down at its base, nestling myself in a small alcove amongst the roots. The branches above provided almost no shelter; the intensity of the rain crashing through the leaves with little resistance.

Hunkering down as best I could, I huddled there, alone with my thoughts as the storm raged all around me. Lightning danced across the sky above and thunder shook the world below. Rivulets of water cascaded down the twisted wood of the tree trunk, seeping into the ground around the roots where it pooled in small puddles in divots in the earth.

I stared absently out at the wall of rain, rubbing at my stiff leg even as my mind whirled with dozens of thoughts and fears. The events that had transpired in the library kept playing over and over again. As Cadance’s words reverberated within my skull, I found my heart rate starting to creep up again. Closing my eyes, I took several deep, shuddering breaths before resting the back of my head against the wet wood of the tree.

The sound of rain washed over me. I let it envelop my senses and before long I could feel my tense muscles slowly relax. Not all the way, mind you, but just enough that it didn’t feel like my body was about to fall apart.

Flexing my fingers, I mused back on the single thought that had started all of this.

Twilight’s pregnant.

Eyes still closed, I exhaled slowly, trying to calm my thoughts. I was still on edge, a second panic attack lurking in the background, waiting for something new to set it off. This whole situation just came in out of left field and I didn’t know how to handle it.

Luckily, as it turned out, I didn’t have to.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there before I realized the rain wasn’t falling on me anymore. It was still pouring down around me, but I was in a small bubble of stillness. Glancing up revealed a magical barrier hovering just above me. As rainwater struck said barrier, it hissed and sizzled, the water evaporating as it came in contact with the humming energy.

Where I had expected the magic to be a rosy color though, it was instead a light blue.

Giving the barrier one last bemused look, I turned my attention towards the pony currently standing in front of me.

Positioned under a magical shelter of her own, Cadance observed me silently. She looked immaculate despite the storm’s best efforts. No rainwater could touch her, no matter how hard it tried, leaving her coat and mane in pristine condition. Even her hooves were spotless, a thin layer of magic protecting them from the muddy ground she stood on.

Sometimes I forget that Twilight isn’t the only one who can be creative with her magic.

Upon seeing me finally look up at her, Cadance cocked her head to the side. “You ran away.” It wasn’t a question, nor an accusation. It was like she was simply stating a fact. Which, when I thought about it, was actually what she was doing.

“Yes,” was the only answer I could give. No point in trying to deny it.

“Twilight’s back at the library having her own panic attack,” she added. Despite the words, there was no anger or disappointment in her voice. Just that ever-present curiosity, like one has when they’re examining a puzzle they had just started and they are trying to find the first few pieces that went together.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly, the words catching in my throat. My gaze lowered back down to the trembling hands in my lap. “I… I didn’t mean to.”

“She blames herself.”

A forced chuckle. “When doesn’t she?”

She didn’t reply for a few minutes, letting the storm rage around us with renewed vigor. The tree I was propped against groaned in protest as the wind forced it to bed further than it would have liked. Thankfully, the wood held firm. Lightning flashed across the sky, followed shortly by several loud crashes of ear-splitting thunder.

Eventually, everything began to calm down again, and that’s when Cadance spoke again.

“I can make an educated guess as to what you might be thinking. She was never unfaithful to you. You know that, right?” Her voice was soft, so soft that I could barely hear her over the sound of the roaring storm. For the first time since she arrived, the look of curiosity turned into one of worry. “She’s been with no other creature besides you. Even before you arrived in Equestria, she was alone. Until you. She’s only had you, and she’ll probably only ever have you. She loves you. She was never unfaithful.” Her eyes pleaded with me, begging me to understand.

She needn’t have worried.

I gave her a confused look. “I… I never thought that.”

Cadance’s face went blank. “What?”

“I never thought that Twilight had been unfaithful,” I repeated. “The idea never crossed my mind, even once. I-I mean, I might not understand how exactly this came to be, but I… I trust Twilight. I trust her with my life. I know she’d never do something like that. At least, not willingly.” There was a gust of wind and one of the branches above me cracked off. It fell, glancing off the magical barrier before landing off to the side with a wet splat.

With a frown, Cadance picked up the branch in her magic and tossed it further away. “But then… why did you run away?” she asked. “Twilight’s back in the library, making herself sick with worry that she’s about to lose you. Why?” She trailed off while giving me that damnable curious look again: there was another piece to her puzzle.

Lifting a hand, I waved it about. “She’s pregnant, Cadance!”

“Yes, and?” she huffed.

“And look at me!” I roared, suddenly on my feet. I had to crouch to not hit my head on the barrier above me, and I could feel the energy crackling through my hair.

At my shout, Cadance jumped back, her eyes wide and wings flared wide. Stomping out from beneath the barrier, I threw my arms open wide even as the storm drenched me again. “Fucking look at me, Cadance! Look at me! I’m a fucking mess! Physically, mentally, emotionally! I’m a fucking wreck! Falling apart at the seams!”

“That’s not a…” she began, but I shouted over her.

“I’m barely functioning as a person right now, and now Twilight’s pregnant!”

“This isn’t her fault!” Cadance yelled back, finally raising her voice. She fluttered forwards and craned her neck back to glare up into my face. “None of this is her fault!”

“I’m not blaming her!”

“Then, what? What’s the problem? You won’t explain it!”

“Isn’t it fucking obvious!? I’m a wreck, Cadance! A wreck! What more do I have to say to make you understand? How am I supposed to handle this?”

“So what?” Cadance countered. “You’ll be handling this with Twilight, together, as parents. A mare’s pregnancy is a test for both the father and the mother. Do you think she’s going to expect you to wait on her wing and hoof? If anything, she’ll be the one planning out everything down to the smallest details! Double-checking and triple-checking everything!”

“I’m sure she will,” I growled. “I’m not worried about that! I’m sure Twilight will make a damn good mother when the time comes.”

“Then…” Cadance trailed off, her annoyance and anger fading. “Then… I don’t understand. What’s the problem?”

I opened my mouth, only to close it again. The rain lashed against my face, hiding the tears I could feel leaking from my eyes. My legs trembled as I struggled to remain standing. I wasn’t aware of Cadance stepping closer until I felt her gently place a hoof against my hip. Upon glancing down, I found her watching me with a worried-yet-caring look on her face.

“Max,” she said softly, “I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”

I stared at her for a moment, and then my strength gave out.

The mud squelched beneath my knees as I sunk to the ground. It soaked into my pants and sapped what little warmth there was left in my body. Exhausted, cold, and sore, I wanted nothing more than to fade from the world. To go where there was no more trouble, no more pain, no more nightmares. I wanted to escape from this reality I now found myself in, but I couldn’t.

There was nowhere to escape to.

“Max, please.” I heard Cadance say from somewhere in front of me, but I couldn’t see her. My eye was blinded by both rain and tears. Reaching up, I tried to rub it clean.

“Cadance, I’m a wreck,” I muttered weakly, lowering my hand. On my knees, my head was at the same height as hers now, and I stared into her eyes. “How the hell am I supposed to care for something as small, as precious, and as innocent as a newborn infant… when I can’t even take care of myself?”

It took a second, but I saw it click. I saw when she mentally put the last few puzzle pieces in place. As the look of dawning understanding crossed her face, I continued. “A child… a foal… requires love and support. They need their parents to teach them and care for them and help them grow. They need their parents to help them.” It was my turn to give her a pleading look. “If I can’t even help and support myself, how can I help them?”

My heart rate was picking up again and I could feel my hands starting to tremble. “I’m going to ruin them, I know it. It doesn’t matter how well Twilight does, I’m going to ruin their lives because I’m not going to be able to give them what they need. They’re going to grow up hating me because I failed them. I… I can’t do it. I’m not ready to do this. I’m not… I’m just not…”

A warm weight settled against my chest as Cadance pulled me into a hug. Wrapping her wings around me, she settled her head on my shoulder and held me close. Her barrier extended over the both of us, staving off the torrential downspout.

“What…?” I began only to be silenced when she shushed me, stroking the back of my head with a wingtip.

“Nopony is ever really ready to be a parent the first time around,” she murmured in my ear. “Do you want to know what Shiny and I were doing the night before we found out I was pregnant? We were staying up late, watching cheesy horror movies while eating days-old pizza and drinking flat soda. Shiny was getting annoyed with me because I kept throwing stale popcorn at him whenever something suspenseful was happening. He got me back by hiding under the bed and grabbing my hooves as I walked by. We both woke up later only to realize we stained the sheets because we had chocolate sauce on us and we didn’t know it.”

This earned a weak laugh from me, and I could feel myself start to relax a little in her grip.

“Talk to Twilight,” she continued. “Express your worries, your fears, your insecurities. Let her help you, and in turn, you can help her. She can’t do anything if she doesn’t know what’s going on, and if she doesn’t know what’s going on, she will begin to speculate. And we all know what happens when Twilight Sparkle starts to speculate on what’s actually going on.”

“Banishment. Moon. Magic kindergarten,” we both said together.

We stayed like that for a few minutes as I slowly calmed down. Cadance was very understanding, providing support while also letting me go at my own pace. She didn’t release the hug until I relaxed my own grip.

As she stepped back, she extended the barrier so that it was still able to cover both of us.

“Shall we head back to the library now?” she asked as I got shakily to my feet.

“That’d… that’d probably be for the best,” I said, and it was only then that I realized just how cold and wet I was. Wrapping my arms around myself, I tried my best to stop my teeth from chattering too loudly. “Probably sooner would be better than later.”

Cadance gave me a critical look before tsking. “Come on, then,” she said with a playful roll of her eyes. “Let’s get going before we have something else to try and explain to Twilight. No telling what she’d do if you got sick.”

Allowing me to use her for support, Cadance led me back towards the library. Above us, the storm let out one last resounding crash of thunder before the beginning to die out.

Chapter 32: Three's a Crowd, part 2

The next morning brought with it an uneasy halt to the rain, although the cloud cover remained. A thick, dark layer of swirling clouds hung low over Ponyville, and there was a heaviness to the air that promised more rain in the future. It seemed the weather team decided to let the storm work itself out instead of clearing the cloud-choked skies.

Breakfast had barely finished when Cadance snatched up Twilight and ferried her away for some “much-needed de-stressing and girl time!”. The only thing I could catch before the two of them disappeared out the door was something about the spa, and Cadance calling back over her shoulder “come join us when you finish up~~~!”

That left me to clean up the library by myself.

Well, I guess not exactly by myself. Spike was tending to the upstair rooms, and every so often I’d hear faint singing drifting down the stairs. Then there was the sound of Primrose and Ebony moving about downstairs, Avera having already left before the sun had even risen. And that just left…

“Alpha, up-up? Yes?” Pyresteed chirped. Above her head, she held the couch aloft like it was nothing more than a plushie. Her shirt had acquired several holes recently, and through one of said holes, I could see her abdominal muscles rippling as she pranced about. Pausing, she looked down at the floor and her face lit up. “Oh! Oh! Oh!” She bent down (with the couch still held high) and quickly snatched up the item that had been hidden beneath the piece of furniture.

“No, wait!” I shouted, moving to stop her, but it was too late.

Pyresteed stared at me with wide, innocent eyes, her cheeks bulging. “Alpha want crunch-crunch?” she asked around her mouthful, chewing all the while.

I just shook my head, a hand covering my mouth. “I… have no idea how long that burrito was down there. Like… no clue. Oh god, I think I’m gonna be sick.” Swallowing down the rising bile in my throat, I waved a hand at her. “P-put… put the couch down before you break something. Or find something else to eat.”

She cocked her head to the side before gently placing the couch back down where it had been, only slightly tilted to the right. Still chewing, she skittered away to another part of the room, leaving me to my task of sweeping up the dried mud that we—or more specifically, I—had tracked in last night. Luckily, it had dried enough that I didn’t have to put too much force into gathering up the detritus.

Sweeping around the main area, I gathered up the various leftover items from last night as well: dirty dishes left out because of tired individuals, discarded clothing that had dried overnight, and Cadance’s luggage. They were all spread out around the sitting area because Twilight and Cadance had gossiped and perused her album until the wee hours of the morning.

After making sure Cadance’s things were safely back in her saddlebags and taking the dishes into the kitchen, I moved to collect my dirt when a muffled whine suddenly filled the air. “Alpha! Help! No, help help!”

Looking around in alarm, I searched for the cause, only to sigh in resignation when I found the source of the noise. “Oh come on…”

Pyresteed had somehow, through some unknown means, gotten herself stuck in the book return box. Her entire upper half was cramped in the box’s slot up to her waist. Which didn’t physically make any sense. The slot was smaller than both her head and breast, but somehow she had managed to squeeze herself in up to her stomach, the narrow opening squishing her chub. Only her butt and legs were free, her shirt pulled down to expose herself to the open air. She kicked her legs frantically, all while whining. “Alpha! Alpha, help! Stuck! Stuck, Alpha, stuck! Help!”

I watched her struggle for a moment before picking up my broom again. “Nah, I think you’re good. You got this,” I called to her as I returned to cleaning. “If you can get yourself in there, I’m sure you can get yourself out again!”

“Alpha, pls!”

“No, no, you’re fine! I believe in you.”

“Alpha! Nooo!”

Whistling to myself, I headed back over to the fireplace, intent on cleaning up the ash that had gotten smeared upon the hearth last night, though I only made it halfway when the cabinet beneath the stairs caught my attention. The sight of it jogged my memory.

“Oh, right,” I muttered. “I should probably get my stuff back while she’s gone.” Placing the broom against the wall, I opened the door and crawled inside. It took a second for my eye to adjust to the dim light, but when it did, I looked around in awe.

The small nook was crammed full of various things, most of which consisted of all my missing shirts. There were blankets and pillows as well, all pushed up against the sides of the cupboard in a style that made the entire space look like a giant nest. Several books were stuck in between the walls of pillows, most of them from Twilight’s personal library.

Sitting in the middle of her makeshift nest, I tried my best to take it all in. “I don’t… what is she… huh?” Something crinkled beneath me, and after some digging, I pulled several bags of chips out from under a bunch of shirts.

“This is ridiculous,” I muttered as I opened one of them. Munching on my snack, I looked around the cupboard again and shook my head. “I have no comment for this. This shit crazy, yo.”

I decided the best course of action would be to start with my shirts and go from there. They’d have to be washed first, but that was something else I could take care of while the pair of alicorns were out. As I picked up the shirt nearest to me though, something small and hard fell out of it.

It was a picture frame.

Gingerly picking it up, I turned it over and peered at the photo within. It was a snapshot taken of one of our trips to the beach last year. In it, I was buried in the sand up to my neck, my head the only thing visible. Above me, Twilight was posed with her wings fanned out over me like a peacock, the feathers acted as a makeshift umbrella, shading me from the sun. My head was backward slightly, and I was giving her a bemused look, mostly because she had her forehooves planted on my forehead.

I eyed the picture before feeling around for any others. There was a second one hidden in the corner, this one depicting me with the Cutie Mark Crusaders draped over my shoulders and head. It appeared to be taken shortly after my stint in the hospital due to the human pit fight, as I still had bandages around my bad eye. From the angle of the picture, it looked like the pony that took it did so while trying to remain hidden. A pink hoof could be seen in the corner though.

Rummaging around found a third photo, this one bearing a depiction of me and Twilight out in the snow. Our faces were flushed with the cold, but we were both smiling. Behind us, several snowmen (or snowponies as Twilight kept reminding me) stood, most of them looking about ready to collapse. One of the few that looked sturdy was a snow unicorn that looked suspiciously like Rarity, a grinning Spike perched on her back and giving the camera a thumbs up.

I studied the pictures, the memories dancing about in my head. As I lowered them, my gaze drifted around the cupboard again, taking it all in again. My shirts, the blankets, the pillows, surrounding herself with happy memories; I played around with an idea that was taking shape in my mind revolving around the objects. I had entered the cupboard intending to clean it out, but now…

Slowly, I nodded my head. “Yeah… yeah, I can work with this.” Putting the pictures down, I crawled back out of the cupboard and began my search. It only took me about five minutes to find everything I needed and, returning to the cupboard, I got to work. Hammering in the nails took some effort in the cramped space, but I finally managed to hang the pictures up at various points on the walls. Then, taking a few of the blankets, I draped them from the corners and across the ceiling in an attempt to make the small space cozier. Lastly, I placed multiple bags of chips and cookies in the corner where the ceiling was the lowest due to the steps above. A few pillows around the snacks to keep them safe but visible wrapped everything up nicely.

Exiting the cupboard again, I stepped back and eyed my work. It was certainly better than it had been—looking more like something I would have made as a kid than a pile of dirty laundry—but it was still missing something but what?

“Oh, duh.” I slapped my forehead. “It’s Twilight.”

Not being as versed with the library’s layout as Twilight or Spike, I had to reference the directory to find what I needed. Pyresteed was still trying to free herself from the return box as I pulled the large book out from behind the reception desk and, unable to resist the opportunity, I propped the tome open upon her butt as I flipped through the pages. She froze, her legs stiffening before she asked timidly.“Alpha, mount? Mount rump?”

“Nope, just borrowing for a moment,” I said distractedly as I dragged a finger down the index. “You can have it back in a second.” It took a few pages (and some steadying of the book as Pyresteed squirmed beneath me) but eventually, I found the location of what I needed. Returning the directory to its original spot, I moved through the library’s shelves and collected the books I wanted.

“Let’s see here…” I muttered, fingers dancing across the book spines. “Ah, good. There’s one. And here. And… yup, there’s one too. Excellent.” One by one, I pulled the books free, the stack in my arms growing with each new addition. Despite being scattered about the library, they all had the same theme. I read each title out loud as I grabbed them. “Expecting a Filly? That might be useful… maybe. One in the Oven, yeah gonna need that one. Big Book of Baby Biology and Basic Birthing. Check. An Egghead’s Guide to Pregnancy… yeah, that one too. Mothering is Loving Foals. A little weird, but eh… what the hell. Mommy’s Little Mistake?” I paused, staring down at the book in my head, the cover of which depicted a confused-looking pink unicorn foal with a curly purple-and-cyan mane. After a moment, I shrugged. “Eh, couldn’t hurt.” And it joined the pile.

I grabbed a little over a dozen books before making my way back to the cupboard. Carefully crouching down, I placed the books along a horizontal-running support beam against the far wall, using the plank of wood as a makeshift bookshelf.

“There!” Straightening up, I dusted my hands off on my pants and studied my handiwork. “That should do it! One super-duper-secret hidey-hole. We’ll see how she likes it when she gets back. For now…” My eyes drifted back to the broom. “...I better finish cleaning up.”

Whistling a happy tune to myself, I picked up where I left off with the hearth. At least, until I heard something disturbing coming from the book return box. Slowly, I turned my head to stare at Pyresteed’s bouncing posterior. “Are… are you eating something in there?”

“Crunch-crunch!”

“Oh my god!”

Chapter 33: Three's a Crowd, part 3

Stepping around a pile of branches, I glanced around at Ponyville proper. At first glance, it appeared that the town weathered last night’s storm, but upon closer look, there were dozens of debris mounds consisting of shingles, bits of siding and small plants dotting the streets, signs that the storm left lasting damage to the small village. Construction ponies moved from building to building, checking on what needed to be fixed immediately and what was just cosmetic damage.

Man, I didn’t think it was that bad, I thought as I watched a unicorn carefully remove a busted sheet of glass from a window pane. Then again, I wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind last night to really notice. Thankfully, it didn’t look like any place was too heavily damaged; I highly doubted anyone would be without a home for the next few days.

The marketplace hadn’t fared better. Almost all the stalls were toppled over with several having collapsed entirely, the old wood unable to hold up against the force of nature. Now they were destined to become kindling. Unsurprisingly, Applejack’s stand looked none the worse for wear, as did Timberline’s, the local woodworker.

Despite all the storm damage, things were operating as normal for the ponies that called this small village home. Lacking her stall, Carrot Top had taken to selling her produce out of the back of her cart, and was also allowing the Flower Sisters to use the front to sell their flowers while Big Mac fixed up their stall. Sugarcube Corner had thrown open its doors and was supplying plenty of food and water to any pony who walked in. Berry Punch was working with the glassworkers, donating empty bottles to help replace broken windows and lamps. Timberline was assisting in finding any hidden damage that might not be visible to the untrained eye. Several members of the weather team were carrying wooden beams and ropes about, transporting them to their needed destination, and any business that wasn’t too damaged was open and providing to the masses.

Several ponies waved to me as I picked my way through the marketplace—as well as several curious looks—but for the most part, I was left alone. I returned the waves, ignored the looks, and headed toward my intended destination. Limping along, I was so lost in my thoughts that I almost didn’t hear the shout. “Oh no! W-watch out!”

I looked up only to duck to the side just in time to avoid the wooden beam that thudded to the ground beside me. It buried itself into the earth about an inch before slowly toppling over. A moment later, a distraught gray pegasus fluttered down beside it.

“H’ohmygoodness! I’m so so sorry!” Ditzy cried, tears in her eyes and her ears splayed back. “I… I thought I could make it but it was just so heavy a-and my hooves were damp and I couldn’t readjust it and it… it just slipped!”

“Ditzy, it’s fine,” I said, although my heart was pounding in my chest. “Just… just be more careful next time. Maybe get someone to help you carry it.”

“Nopony ever wants to help me,” Ditzy muttered as she circled the fallen beam. Closing an eye, she studied it carefully before sighing. “Should probably take it back to Timberline so she can check for any splits or cracks.”

I moved to stand next to her. “Can… can you carry it back by yourself?”

“I’ll manage,” she said. Running a hoof along the wood, she hummed. “I’ll go get some straps. Maybe that’ll make a difference.”

A cough drew our attention. Cloudchaser and Flitter hovered in the air above us, both wearing vests with straps of various lengths hanging from the front. While Cloudchaser looked bored, Flitter smiled warmly as she waved. “Hello, Ditzy. It looks like you could use some help!”

“Hi, Flitter!” Ditzy responded with a wave of her own. “I actually could, if you’re willing to help. I had an accident and need to get this back to Timberline for inspection.”

“Say no more! We’ll help you get it there!”

Stepping back, I watched as the trio went to work pulling the beam out of the dirt, straightening it out, and putting the straps around it. The sisters hovered patiently in the air as Ditzy doubled-checked the lines, making sure that her previous mistake didn’t happen again. Satisfied that the wood was secure, all three of them slowly rose into the air before winging it back towards the lumber depot. Ditzy gave me one last wave before following after the sisters.

I raised a hand in farewell and was about to continue on my way when I heard it. It was almost inaudible at first, practically hidden amongst the hubbub of the town, but frequent repetition had engrained the noise into my subconscious. My body was already tensing before my mind even processed what it was hearing. The faint whistling noise grew louder.

Diving to the ground, a rainbow blur whizzed by a moment later, nearly clipping me in the process. The speeding comet shot off into the sky, banking sharply as it came around for another run. I rolled to the side in order to avoid the second assault before staggering to my feet. My injured leg throbbed as I glared at the rainbow missile that was already coming back for another attack run.

“Are you kidding me?” I shouted up at her. “You’re really doing this now?!”

“You’ve been laying around too much, lazybones!” Rainbow shouted back as she circled above me. “It’s time to get you back in shape again! Don’t worry though; I’m the perfect mare for the job! You’ll be back to your old self in no time!” She had on the same vest as Cloudchaser and Flitter had, obviously having been in the middle of a task when she had spotted me.

Ponies slowly began to form a large ring around us, the familiar spectacle drawing smiles as well as bets from the onlookers.

As ponies picked their side, I flipped Rainbow the bird.“I’m not just laying around for the sake of it. I’m still recovering from Canterlot!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll start off easy!” That was all the warning I got before she lunged for me, her wings spread wide. I ducked under her strafe again, wincing as her hooves scraped along my back. She launched off me at the last second, causing me to stumble as she banked about.

Sore, annoyed, and now with new bruises, I turned to face the grinning pegasus. “I swear to Christ, Rainbow, if you keep this up…”

“You’ll what?” she asked, crossing her forelegs with a smirk.

I huffed and shook my head, muttering, “I don’t have time for this.” Turning, I started to head off down the road, pretending to be done with the fight but secretly keeping an eye on Rainbow as I ‘left’. She hovered in the air, a look of disbelief on her face which quickly morphed into a scowl.

Lowering her head, she dove forward, hooves outstretched. “Oh no you don’t!”

As she raced toward me, I kept my pace steady. I waited until the last possible moment—until she couldn’t avoid what was coming—before making my move. Spinning about, I braced myself as she slammed into my chest, toppling me over onto my back. My breath left me at the impact, but I gritted my teeth and fought on.

Wrapping my arms around the stunned pegasus, I quickly got to work. Before she had time to recover, I stuffed her wings into the vest, pinning them to her sides and rendering her flightless. Moving onto her legs, I wrapped the loose straps around them, tying the limbs to her barrel. Having recovered and realized what I was doing, Rainbow fought back, both of us now rolling around on the ground, trying to get leverage on the other. She put up a good fight, but with each limb I tied, her ability to fight back lessened until—with the last leg bound—she was left wiggling on the ground like a weird-looking worm.

The sound of cheers and boos filled the air as bits exchanged hooves. The ring around us dispersed as ponies returned to what they had been doing.

“D-dude, what the buck?” Rainbow whined as I got to my feet. “This is totally not cool!”

“Neither is pulling this shit,” I grumbled. Dusting myself off, I glared down at her. “My leg is still sore. I’m in no shape for this kind of stuff right now.”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” she huffed. She wobbled back and forth before tipping over on her side. “No wrestling until you get better. Fine, whatever.” Struggling with the straps for a few more seconds, she took to gnawing at them— “Come on you stupid… gah!” —but the straps were made of a tougher material. She wiggled about some more, the movement causing her to roll over onto her back.

Finally giving up, she glared up at me. “You gonna let me go or what?”

“Nah,” I said without hesitation. “I don’t think so.”

“What?!” she yelped. “Oh, come on! I have stuff I have to do!”

“I do too.” I shrugged before turning and walking off.

“V-very funny!” she called after me. “Okay, jokes over!” I kept on walking, wincing each time I put weight on my bad leg. “You can’t just leave me here!”

“Should have thought of that before you went after me,” I called back.

“Oh come on, dude! This isn’t funny!”

Giving her the peace sign over my shoulders, I turned the corner of a building and left her behind. I could hear her complaints fading into the distance as I limped down the street. Buildings passed by, and I hummed softly to myself, nodding to the occasional pony that waved in my direction. None of them accosted me though, and I was able to make it to my destination without further interruptions.

Dirt crunched beneath my feet as I came to a stop right outside. The sign above the door depicted a mare with a flowing mane and tail, and the display in the window housed various bottles of lotion, shampoo, mane wash and conditioner. I eyed the plaque that proudly displayed the words ‘Ponyville Spa’ before, with a small smile, I pushed the door open and entered, the chime of a bell announcing my arrival to those inside.

Author's Note

Don't get spoiled at the upload speed. This is an anomaly; I swear, I'm much slower at updating than this.

Chapter 34: Three's a Crowd, part 4

It was oddly peaceful inside the spa, given the activity going on outside, although I guess that was the atmosphere they were going for. No point in being stressed in a place that is meant for de-stressing.

Soft music filled the reception area along with the faint sound of trickling water. The sweet fragrance of scented shampoo and lotions wafted through the air, along with the smell of heated water. It reminded me of hot tubs in hotels back on Earth.

The mare behind the counter, an earthen brown earth pony with a short-cropped cyan mane, finished marking down something in a ledger before glancing up. She gawked at me for a moment before shaking her head and putting on a warm—if not somewhat forced—smile.

“H-hello! May I help you today?” she asked.

“Probably,” I said. Wincing, I massaged my leg. “At least, I hope so. I’m not looking to wander around much longer.”

“Oh!” She blinked before her eyes widened. “Oh! You’re… you’re that human! The one Princess Celestia talked about.”

I gave her a bemused look. “I… guess? Maybe. Look, I’m just looking for someone. Or, er… somepony. Someponies?” Seeing her look of confusion, I rolled my eyes. “Okay, look… I’m trying to find two alicorns. A pink one and a lavender one? Both Princesses?”

“Oh, uh…” Leaning back she peered down the hallway behind the counter and bit her lip. “They were relaxing in the main room a while ago. It doesn’t sound like they’re in there now though, so they must have moved to a private room. If that’s the case… they might be in the last room on the right. That’s the one used for royal treatment. I can go check if you’d like.”

My leg throbbed as she spoke, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore the steadily growing pain. “No, that’s fine,” I said, and it came out as half a growl. “I can find them myself.” I limped behind the counter, trying not to grunt as I put weight on my leg. Rainbow had aggravated my injury and I was regretting not bringing along some form of painkiller. Hell, I’d even take some of Primrose’s at the moment, as much as that stuff fucks with my brain.

When I entered the main room, I saw that it was indeed empty. The large tub was still steaming though, and water pooled around its base, indicating that it was just recently vacated. Eyeing a trail of water leading from the pool to one of the private rooms, I took an educated guess on where the two alicorns might be. That, and I could hear quiet conversation coming from the other side.

I staggered forward and pushed the door open, not even bothering to knock. The conversation inside died as I entered, the occupants turning their attention to me instead. Both Twilight and Cadance were laid out on massage tables, their chins resting on their forelimbs as they conversed. A pair of color-swapped earth pony mares stood over them, working at their shoulders and backs—the pink mare with blue mane working the kinks out of Twilight’s shoulders, while the blue mare with pink mane dug her hooves into Cadance’s back.

Upon seeing me, Lotus gasped, her eyes sparkling. “Monsieur Max!”

“Oh.” Twilight blinked. “You actually came out.” From beside her, Cadance offered a smile but said nothing.

“Was I not supposed to?” I asked, scratching at my beard.

“No, you’re welcome to join,” Twilight said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to actually leave the library today.”

“Starting to wish I didn’t.” I rubbed my leg only to wince in pain. Glancing around, I spied a chair in the corner and started for it, limping heavily as I did so.

Twilight gave me a concerned look. “Oh no. Is your leg hurting again? You shouldn’t have come all the way out here if it was bothering you!”

“It was fine when I left the library,” I said, “but then Rainbow wanted to pull her usual crap. She doesn’t seem to understand I’m still healing. It’s been getting worse ever since—”

I must have blinked because I missed it. One moment I was making my way across the room to the chair, the next I was facedown on a massage table next to Twilight, my face pushed into the headrest and my shirt discarded off to the side. A pair of blue hooves appeared in my vision followed quickly by the feeling of hooves against my back. “Oh no no! Zis is completely unacceptable! We can not be ‘aving you walk around in pain, mon cheri!”

Before I had a chance to reply, Lotus pressed her hooves into my lower back, and my body turned to mush.

Dimly, I could hear Aloe sigh off to the side. “I’m terribly sorry about zis, Princess. It seems my sister has moved on to another customer before she has finished with your treatment.” This was followed by Cadance’s musical laughter.

“That’s quite alright. We were just about done anyway. Besides, I think our new arrival needs her attention more than me.” There came the sound of her stretching, small groans escaping her as she worked her relaxed muscles. “I’ll just make my way over to the soaking pool while these two wrap up.” There was some movement before I felt someone poke my shoulder.

“Hear that?” Cadance quipped as she walked past. “You stole my masseuse.” A moment later I heard her slip into a tub off to the side, a happy coo escaping her as she floated about.

“Didn’t see your name on her,” I muttered sleepily as Lotus continued to work. The lotion she was using slowly heated up, leaving behind a blessed, tingling sensation that left my body feeling looser than it had in ages. Lotus danced from knot to knot, her expert hooves making easy work of the aches and pains that had wracked my body as of late.

“Goodness, but you are so tense!” she said as she found a particularly large spot on my lower back.

“It’s been rough,” I mumbled.

“You can say that again,” Twilight said.

Lotus hummed. “I can certainly tell! One moment please.”

There was a pause before a sudden, heavy weight settled on my back, pushing the air out of me. Unsure of what was happening, my question was answered a moment later when I heard Cadance ask. “Uh, I’m not an expert, but should you really be standing on him like that?”

“Zat does seem a little extreme, sister,” Aloe added.

“I need a better angle with which to work!” Lotus replied from above me. “Zis is ze worst case I ‘ave seen in a while!” She kept moving, never stopping as her hooves shifted from one part of my back to another. Every time she swayed side to side, I could feel more and more of myself going. Soon I would be nothing more than a puddle of bliss on the table. Grunts and groans escaped me involuntarily as the goddess tap danced upon my spine.

I heard Twilight giggle from beside me. “Sounds like somepony is enjoying themselves.”

“This is amazing,” I groaned. “Lotus, you’re amazing.”

“Just doing my job, monsieur!”

“No, you’re doing God’s work. That’s what you’re doing.”

She tittered before turning about and slowly tiptoeing down towards my feet. “Now… was it the right or left leg, mon cheri?”

“The right one.” No sooner had the words left my mouth than she attacked said limb with a vengeance; it never stood a chance. It was painful at first, and I winced as the muscles flared and twinged, but Lotus knew what she was doing, and before long I could feel the discomfort start to ebb.

“Dear Celestia,” Lotus grunted as she worked. “I ‘ave never seen such tenseness before! It’s almost like it is fighting me back!” She put some extra force into my thigh, and there was some resistance before there was a sudden loud popping sound.

“Ummm…” Twilight shifted, and I could feel her eyes on me. “Are you alright?”

“Fuuuck meee…” All the pain in my leg suddenly ceased. It was like someone had flipped a switch. One moment a dull ache ran up the entire limb, the next it was gone. I wiggled my toes to make sure that I still had feeling in the leg, and while there was still some stiffness in the movement, most of the discomfort was now gone.

“Zat seems to ‘ave done it!” Lotus declared proudly.

“Amazing,” I murmured.

“Sounds like he’s fine to me,” Cadance chirped. “Anyway, Twilight! What were you talking about before we were so rudely interrupted by your human?”

I could feel myself slowly dozing off in my relaxed state. From beside me, Twilight’s gentle voice didn’t help as she continued the conversation that had been going on before I showed up. “Hmmm? Oh, yes! I’m not sure how long you’re planning on staying, but there’s a traveling museum coming to Ponyville in the next few days, and their entire exhibit is Starswirl the Bearded! They have many of his artifacts on display!”

“Hers,” I corrected. “Starswirl was a mare…” She didn’t hear me though, my voice so soft as I slowly drifted off into unconsciousness. Darkness crept in around me, the gentle ministrations from Lotus rocking me slowly into slumber. The last thing I heard before I slipped away was Twilight telling Cadance about some kind of candlestick or something.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

Seated on a hillside, I looked out over the rolling hills of blues and purples. Behind me, a weeping willow of black licorice provided shade from the blazing moon above. Swedish fish swam through the branches, glubbing happily as they chased each other around.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, watching volkswagen beetles ranging through the grassy hills, before I became aware of the fact I wasn’t alone. My doppelganger sat beside me, matching me move for move. I scratched my chin, he scratched his chin. I shifted one of my legs beneath me, he did the same. It was like sitting next to a mirror, only without the mirror.

Both of us sat there, saying nothing as the world slowly shifted around us. The blue and purple hills gave way to empty streets, and the volkswagens transformed into thatched-roof housing. Still, we sat there and said nothing. Even when the buildings began to crumble and decay around us, we continued to copy each other. I looked to the left, he looked to the left. He looked to the right, I looked to the right. At no point could we see each other’s faces except out of the corner of our eyes.

The hills began to flatten out, and the color seeped from the landscape. Black licorice dissolved into smoke, taking the trees with it as well. The moon faded, the skies darkened, and the shadows lengthened around us as darkness began to consume the world. It crept in from the horizon, rolling in like a thick, twisting miasma of rot. It kept growing until it had covered everything except me and my doppelganger. We stood together in a small pocket of clear air.

Side by side, we stared into the swirling darkness.

My doppelganger twitched. Slowly its head lolled to the side as it turned to stare at me. I turned to look at him as well. He spoke, and his voice was dry and raspy. “If you’re going to leave me here in the asylum, might I have a little small request?”

“And what might that be?”

Lifting an arm, the doppelganger held out an empty cup. “A little glass of water… please.”

A pair of sickly glowing crimson eyes grinned as the darkness claimed everything.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

By the time I woke up, the memory of the dream had all but faded, save for a faint chuckle in the back of my mind.

Chapter 35: Three's a Crowd, Finale

“I can’t believe you actually fell asleep,” Twilight snickered, looking back at me.

We made our way through the marketplace, most of the activity from earlier in the day having been completed while we were inside the spa. It was late afternoon now, creeping steadily into the evening, and most ponies were making their way home for the day. Deep orange sunlight broke through the cloud cover here and there, but a rumble in the distance promised more rain was headed our way. A flash of lightning on the horizon confirmed it.

Twilight and Cadance walked in front, their coats shining in the sunbeams. Their manes were brushed and trimmed, and their wings were fluffed and freshly oiled. A new application of hoof polish adorned their hooves; black for Twilight and turquoise for Cadance. Both of them were positively radiant. Each looked the part of a princess.

Behind them, I limped along, not as heavily as before and thankfully without any pain. There was still discomfort from the stiffness of the leg, but Lotus had done amazing work. When I tried to pay her, she had blatantly refused to take any of my bits. “Non, it was pleasure enough to ‘ave been able to ‘elp my most favorite ‘uman customer again!” had been her excuse.

I had glared at her as I deposited fistfuls of bits into their tip jar before being chased from the building by a broom-wielding mare.

“I couldn’t help it,” I said, sticking my tongue out at Twilight, “it’s the best I’ve felt in a while.”

Twilight returned the gesture with one of her own before turning back around. “You certainly look much more relaxed than you have been lately.”

“I’ll say!” Cadance chirped. “You’re positively glowing! Your emotions too! They aren’t as chaotic as they were when I first arrived.” She bumped Twilight with her hip. “Maybe you should make this a regular thing.”

“We could,” Twilight hummed. “I definitely wouldn’t mind. Especially with what’s coming up.” The tip of one of her wings brushed against her stomach.

“Just you wait,” Cadance tittered. “Your back will be killing you before this is over. You’ll be half-tempted to just have a masseuse on standby in your castle.”

Twilight’s ears splayed back. “R-really?”

“It’s what I did!” Cadance said in a sing-song manner. “Paid to have the Acu twins move into the palace for the last few months of my pregnancy. A massage in the morning before getting up in the morning, and a massage at night before heading to bed. Pressure and Puncture really earned their keep too.”

“Hmmm,” Twilight hummed thoughtfully. “I’ll keep that in mind, but I’ll hold off for now. Besides, I think I might have a decent masseur already.” The smoldering look she shot over her shoulder caused me to blush, but I returned it with a wiggle of my eyebrows.

“Alright you two,” Cadance said. “Calm it down. While it’s wonderful to feel the love coming off of you both, I don’t want to be kept up all night.”

Twilight looked mortified, but I just gave Cadance a bemused look. “You’re staying in the guest room. You couldn’t hear us even if we tried. Besides, Twilight likes to scream into her pillo—” My mouth kept moving, but no sound came out. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, and I glared at Twilight.

“Shush you,” she said, horn glowing.

I gestured in hoof language and a massive blush exploded across her face.

“Goodness! What did he say?” Cadance asked.

“Y-you… you don’t want to know,” Twilight stammered, fanning herself with a wing. When I started gesturing again, she squawked. “Okay, okay! I’ll turn it off, just… stop!” Her horn stopped glowing, and I got my voice back.

“The offer’s still on the table,” I teased, and Twilight buried her head in her wings. Chuckling to myself, I turned my attention to Cadance instead. “So, that reminds me. I was going to ask earlier but fell asleep… how long do you plan on staying with us?”

“Well,” she hummed. “Originally, I didn’t even know what I was coming down here to do, so I cleared up my schedule. Once I figured out what the issue was—” she gave both Twilight and me pointed looks “—I was going to stick around for a couple of days to make sure both of you patched things up. However, Twilight’s mentioned that traveling museum which I really want to go to, plus there’s that cookout she mentioned as well, so I’ll probably be here for about a week or so.”

“Cookout?” I scratched at my beard for a moment before my eyes widened. “Oh! The anniversary cookout! Yeah, you’re totally invited to that! That reminds me too, I need to make a special order from Canterlot here in the near future.”

“Special order?” Twilight asked. “What are you ordering?”

“It’s a surprise,” I said. “Something food related, although I shouldn’t order too much. It won’t be overly popular, but I really want some, so…”

Twilight gave me an uneasy look over her shoulder. “It’s not more alcohol, is it?”

“No, it’s not,” I said, kind of hurt.

“Is it poisonous?”

“What? No! God no. What the hell made you think that?”

“Well… can I eat it?”

“Yes, you can,” I said slowly, “but will you eat it? Probably not.”

“I think I know what it is, but I’ll wait to see what you’re cooking up,” Twilight hummed.

“Oh, trust me. What I’m cooking up is going to be delicious.” I grinned at her, and she rolled her eyes, but I could see the hint of a smile playing across her muzzle as she faced back around.

“Delicious is good!” Cadance chirped. “I’m always up for some good food! The cravings might be over with, but I still find myself starving half the time. It drives Shiny crazy whenever I sneak off to the kitchens in the middle of the night for a fourth meal.”

The conversation was interrupted by a drop of rain landing on the top of my head. Peering up, I realized that the dark clouds were rolling up faster than expected. What little patches of sunlight had been present before had closed up. The wind was picking up and a curtain of rain could be seen slowly creeping across the hills towards Ponyville.

“Oh dear,” Cadance gasped. “We better hurry before that reaches us!”

Twilight nodded. “Agreed!”

Picking up our pace, we hurried across the marketplace towards the treebrary. The few ponies that were still present saw the encroaching wall of water as well and made similar decisions, galloping off towards the nearest shelter. The only one that didn’t seem all that concerned was—surprisingly—Vinyl, who was seated in an empty cafe patio.

“You, uh… gonna find some shelter?” I called out as we passed by.

“Nah, I’ll be good, brony!” she called back, watching the approaching rain with disinterest.

“You sure?”

“I’ll be good.”

“In trouble with Octavia again?”

“I’ll be good.”

“I’m sure,” I said, shaking my head.

We staggered into the library right as the rain arrived, the sheets of water slamming against the window panes. Wind tore at the branches, causing them to lash about wildly, leaves flying off to god knows where. Lightning forked across the sky, accompanied by the deep, echoing boom of thunder.

“Damn, that was close!” I said, watching the storm through the open front door. “It almost got us.”

“We certainly cut it close,” Twilight said, dabbing at the damp end of her tail. “A few more seconds and we wouldn’t need a shower tonight.”

All three of us stood in the entranceway, watching the pouring rain and flashes of lightning. Twilight leaned up against my left hip, and a moment later Cadance did the same with my right. We stayed that way, enjoying each others’ company, until the rain started splashing inside, soaking the mat and forming a puddle. With that, we closed the door and locked it for the night.

“Right,” Twilight said, turning around and moving into the library. “Does anything need to be done before we can relax?”

“Not that I can think of,” I said. Stretching, I yawned before continuing. “I cleaned up after breakfast, and then took care of the main room. Spike had the upstairs and it sounded like he was wrapping up when I left.”

“Good. That means we… can…” She stopped, her words trailing off. Confused at her sudden pause, I glanced around, only to pause as well upon seeing what had caught her attention.

Spike crept across the room from the staircase, clad in dozens of pillows. A hoofball helmet was crammed on his head, his green fins sticking out the ear holes. His claws were covered by a pair of oven mitts, and he held a broom out in front of him like a lance, bristles outward. Perched on the end of said broom was an apple.

As he moved past us, he nodded in our direction. “Oh, hey guys. You’re back!”

“Uh…” I looked at Cadance and Twilight, but they appeared to be just as bewildered as me. Turning back to Spike, I tried again. “Uh, you okay there, dude?”

“Library’s haunted,” he said.

All three of us deadpanned. “What?”

“Library’s haunted.”

“Spike, that’s not…” Twilight began, only to yelp when a low moan echoed around the room. “What was that?!”

“Library’s haunted,” Spike insisted, “and I’m giving the ghost what it wants so it’ll leave us alone.”

“And… what does the ghost want exactly?” I asked.

Saying nothing, Spike moved forward. Still balancing the apple on the bristles of the broom, he slowly stalked closer and closer toward the book return box. Right as the fruit was in range, a hand darted out of the return slot, snatched up the apple, and disappeared back into the box in a blink of an eye. The sound of crunching came from the box a moment later, followed by a low growl.

“Crunch-crunch.”

Closing my eyes, I let out a deep sigh before burying my face in my hands.

Chapter 36: Roses on Your Piano...

“Nervous?”

Glancing up from what I was doing, I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I contemplated the question asked of me. After a moment, I slowly bobbed my head side to side before speaking. “I guess? Maybe a little. I mean, it’s weird, isn’t it? I’ve been through so much more than this, so it should be easy, right? So why is my stomach in knots right now?” As if responding to my words, my stomach twinged, causing me to wince.

“Because it’s a different kind of turmoil, so to speak,” came the reply. “Someponies can dive head first into a burning building to save a life no problem, but the same pony will be scared stiff if forced to be in the same room as a spider.”

“I’ve stood toe to toe with a timberwolf alpha and survived a manticore attack,” I said.

“Burning building. Spider.”

“I’ve fought in a human fighting pit and faced monsters of chaos.”

“Giant spider.”

“I’ve slapped a princess in the face.”

“Do you like being the center of attention?”

I frowned. “No, I can’t say that I do.”

“Well, there you go. There’s your answer.” Octavia smiled at me as she patted my shoulder reassuringly. “You don’t like a bunch of strangers staring at you. Thus, you’re nervous. It’s okay to not like being stared at.”

“I’ve done this before though,” I said as I went back to polishing my cello. Having already rosined the bow and tuned the strings, I was in the process of making the instrument look presentable, oiling the black wood until it gleamed like a mirror. “Back home, er… on Earth, I was part of dozens of concerts and concertos before I even set foot in Equestria. I don’t like being the center of attention, but I can handle it long enough to play. This though… this one feels… different.”

“Because you’re playing in front of ponies instead of humans?” Octavia asked.

I paused my polishing for a moment. “Maybe?” Leaning back, I took a deep breath before lifting an arm up in front of me. My hand trembled slightly. “Does it really make that much of a difference? Strangers are strangers. Am I that pathetic?”

Even though I hadn’t meant that last part to be heard, Octavia still gave me a sympathetic look. “You’ve been through a lot in the past year. It’s not surprising that some of the trauma might linger. You might not be able to do the same things you used to without some trouble.” Placing her own cello back carefully on its rack, she approached me.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” she said softly.

I laughed weakly. “You set it up though.”

“I’ll cancel it too.”

“And have all those ponies upset with you? Ruin your career? Talk bad about you?”

“If you are not feeling comfortable with this,” Octavia said firmly, “I will march out onto that stage right now and tell all those ponies that unforeseen circumstances have come up and the show is canceled. Without batting an eye.”

I stared at her before smiling weakly. “No need to do that. I’ll be fine.”

“You don’t want to cancel because your mate is in the audience,” Octavia said with a smirk.

“And her sister-in-law too.” I gave my cello one last look over before placing it aside on a stand. Standing up, I cracked my back and glanced at myself in a mirror located in the corner of the backroom. Despite my protests, I was decked out in a beige cutaway coat with golden accents over a white, frilly waistcoat. A cravat was wrapped around my neck, causing my beard to itch whenever I looked down. The outfit was completed with a pair of knee-length breeches, stockings, and buckled shoes.

Overall, I looked like some kind of English nobleman.

“Remind me again why I’m dressed like this?” I asked as I gazed at my reflection sourly.

“It fits the concert's theme,” Octavia answered, not looking up as she sorted through her music. She was adorned in a matching outfit, but instead of beige, her coat was blue and she didn’t have to wear breeches or stockings. “Besides, you look dashing in it. Even with the scars.”

I pulled at the large, frilly cuffs. “Where did you even find this? It fits me perfectly.”

“I have my sources,” Octavia smirked.

“It has shoes,” I said, lifting a foot. “I haven’t been able to find a place that makes shoes since I got here. I had to make my own!”

“I have very good sources.”

“Well, I hate it,” I said before turning away from the mirror. My stomach twinged again, and I rubbed at it. “Alright. No use putting this off any longer. Let’s do this.”

“Right.” Octavia closed her music folder with a snap. “You remember the itinerary, yes?”

“...Yes?” I said, swallowing thickly.

“Three of our songs, then one of yours, then we bow and it’s over. Short, simple, and leaves them with something exotic for the finale.” She gave me a reassuring look that quickly morphed into a nervous one. “Erm… you did decide on a song from your world for us to play, yes?”

I nodded weakly. “I believe I have a good one in mind. It’s called “The Four Seasons”. Granted, I could only really remember the opening of it, but the, uh… “magic of harmony” thing should take care of the rest. It’s worked every single time in the past, so I’m not worried.”

“If you’re talking about what happened when we first played together, then I trust your word on it,” Octavia said. Tucking her music folder inside her coat, she lifted her cello onto her back and waved me towards the door. “After you, good sir.”

“I think I’m gonna throw up,” I muttered before grabbing my own cello.

We made our way down the hall towards the stage. The main curtain was still closed, but from the other side I could hear the murmur of dozens of voices; ponies talking quietly to each other while they waited for the show to start. The stage was decorated with various velvet banners and drapings, all centered around a pair of chairs and music stands center stage. Off to the side, partly hidden behind the hanging banners, was a massive grand piano with a burgundy velvet cloth draped over the open lid. A white unicorn sat behind it.

“What’s up, brony?” Vinyl asked softly as I moved across the stage. “Ready to make some music?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I murmured back. Sitting down in the right chair so that I could keep Octavia out of my blind spot, I set up the sheet music in the proper order. Octavia did the same next to me before getting her cello into position. We did one last quick check to make sure none of the strings became untuned on the way over. Then Octavia gave Vinyl a firm nod.

Returning the gesture, Vinyl cracked her neck before her horn lit up. Soft piano music filled the air, and the voices on the other side of the curtain died off in an excited hush.

Octavia gave me one last pointed look. I answered by placing my hand on the fingerboard and positioning the bow above the strings. She nodded for a third time, and the curtains slowly raised, exposing us to the crowd.

I stiffened as tens of dozens of eyes stared at me from out of the darkened auditorium. The sight sent my heart rate skyrocketing and my mouth was suddenly bone dry. The tremor in my hand returned and the bow bounced against the strings, making a soft whine.

Beside me, Octavia hissed something out of the corner of her mouth, but I couldn’t hear what she said. All I could hear was the cheering. The loud, bloodthirsty cheering—

Above me, the crowd of ponies roared with delight, pounding their hooves on the boxes and crates as they cried out for more blood. Bags of bits exchanged hooves as bets were placed and deals struck. Pegasi flitted through the air above, trying to get a better vantage point of the carnage below. Shrieks of human suffering rent the air, causing the crowd to roar louder, pumping their hooves wildly. A splash of crimson liquid exploded forth, sending the spectators wild.

“—Max!”

My left eye swiveled around and stared at Octavia.

“Are you alright?” she hissed, barely moving her lips. Behind her, I could see Vinyl giving me a concerned look as well, still playing the piano, waiting for us to start. Dimly, part of me realized that I had been sitting there for so long that she was repeating parts of the music in an attempt to make the long pause sound intentional.

I stared at both of them, completely frozen in place.

Then movement caught my attention.

A familiar face appeared from the gloom at the front of the crowd, right at the edge of the stage. Violet eyes gazed up at me with worry, accented by a faint rosey glow as her horn glowed mutely. We stared at each other for a moment before I felt myself relax. While my heart rate didn’t return to normal, it didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode anymore.

Twilight gave me a soft smile.

“That’s it. I’m stopping this,” Octavia muttered and she began to lower her bow.

“No,” I hissed back. “I’m… I’m fine. Let’s do this.”

By now, a general murmur of confusion was rippling through the crowd. I ignored them and focused instead on Twilight. From beside me, Octavia sighed before nodding. “Alright.” Positioning her bow back on the strings, she tapped her hoof in tempo and started to play. As music filled the air, the crowd calmed and the muttering faded.

Our first song was a slow piece. Something called “The Dawn of Harmony”. It was an introduction to help warm up the concert. Octavia would play a few phrases, and I would answer with a more chipper version, all the while Vinyl provided a background melody of soft piano chords. Then there were moments when we came together in a harmonic duet only to break apart again, falling back into calling and echoing each other.

I’ll be honest: despite my nervousness and my brief mental breakdown, it felt so good to be playing once again. The cool wood in my hand, the deep notes filling the air, and the scent of rosin—it was like taking a drink of cold water after a hot summer day. I threw myself into the piece, letting the world dissolve around me until it was only the sheet music and Twilight’s face, my gaze drifting between the two. She was my rock at the moment. As long as she was here, I was safe. Nothing could happen while she was present.

The first song came to a gradual end, the last notes of Octavia’s part fading into silence. Before the crowd had a chance to react though, we had launched into the second piece. It was the same tempo as the first, but instead of ‘dueling’ each other, both of us played in harmony, building off each other’s phrases in a swirl of notes. With Vinyl supporting us, it sounded like three separate voices all fusing together. Hence the name “Three Tribes, One Kingdom”. My part was light and airy, that of a pegasus. Octavia’s was steady and deep like an earth pony. And Vinyl’s—being on the piano—was sporadic yet majestic, signifying the unicorns.

The piece continued for a while until we all gradually merged into the same chord, all three of us ending the piece together. Like last time, there was not enough dead air for the audience to react before Octavia launched into the final Equestrian song.

It was a more lively piece, with trilling phrases and a high tempo beat. My bow flashed back and forth across the A and D strings, and my fingers danced quickly across the vibrating strings. Octavia answered my high notes with low notes, although the vigor remained the same. Her leg flailed back and forth, her whole body rocking in effort to keep the pace. Likewise, my right arm looked like I was trying to take flight. Now I can see why this piece was called “Flight of the Sisters”. By contrast, Vinyl’s part was more relaxed. For every eight notes Octavia and I seemed to play, she only played one.

It was a long song too. By the time we were nearing the climax, I could feel sweat dripping down my forehead. Octavia was breathing hard as well, but was able to maintain her composure as well. Up a scale we went, only to end the whole piece on a loud and abrupt note.

In the moments of silence afterward, many ponies began to clap politely and some general discussion could be heard as they commented on the music. I made the mistake of glancing out at the audience only to see that dozens of them were still staring just at me—the novelty of a human playing an instrument still new to them.

My gaze quickly darted back to Twilight’s smiling face.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Octavia watching me expectantly, waiting for me to start my piece. Taking a steadying breath, I focused on recalling the start of “The Four Seasons”, having had it drilled into my head by my instructor back in school. Just as I was about to start the piece though, something inside me shifted. A smirk flashed across my face as a completely different song suddenly leapt unbidden into my mind. Before I could stop myself, my bow was already moving.

Short crisp notes sounded out, silencing the crowd. Octavia started up along with me, playing short, accenting notes, the music of harmony letting her instinctively know which notes she needed. It was a slow piece at first, but steadily picked up speed. Faster and faster we went, far faster than any of the songs before. I could hear confused murmuring in the crowd, unsure faces glancing at each other. Still we played on, our speed growing and growing and growing until suddenly—

Thunder.

Chapter 37:...Tulips on Your Organ [Ex]

“Well, that certainly was an experience,” Twilight said as we stepped down from the train. The late afternoon sun hung over Ponyville as we arrived back home, casting deep, long shadows across the rain-soaked land. It was a welcome break from the on-again, off-again rain we’d been having the past few days. The paths were all muddy, puddles gathered in the lowlands, and the grass was growing rampant with all the water.

“You can say that again,” Cadance said as she disembarked as well. Her horn glowed, and her hooves soon shone with the same sheen.

“A good experience or a bad one?” I asked.

“Well,” Twilight said hesitantly, “the first three songs were very well performed. It’s been years since I’ve heard Three Tribes, One Kingdom. I think I lived in Canterlot the last time I experienced it. I forgot how majestic it is.”

Cadance nodded as she walked, her hooves protected from the mud and water by her magic. “Ms. Octavia certainly picked a good selection for the show. Flight of the Sisters has always been a personal favorite of mine!”

“That being said, I don’t quite know what to make of the… last piece,” Twilight continued with a wince.

A chuckle escaped me as I scratched my beard. “Yeeeah, I have no clue what happened there. It was supposed to be a completely different song. No idea why that one came to mind instead.” Glancing down at the two, I shrugged. “It wasn’t too awful though, was it? I didn’t hear anyone booing.”

“That’s because nopony was making a noise,” Cadance countered, her eyes dancing playfully. “I think most of them were too stunned to do anything, poor things.”

I frowned. “Hey, it wasn’t that bad.”

“You were on the floor, spinning while you played!”

“Well… Octavia seemed to like it!”

This earned a laugh from Cadance. “Is that what you call it?”

“Why else would she get up and smash her cello on stage before snogging Vinyl like that?”

“She certainly was energetic,” Twilight added, a small blush on her face. “I’ve never seen her like that before. Screaming and smashing stuff isn’t normally something one does during an orchestra concert. That’s more of a rock band thing, isn’t it?”

“She was very embarrassed about it afterward,” Cadance giggled. “She wouldn’t even see us off!”

“She’ll be fine,” I sniffed. Lifting a mason jar to my lips, I took a sip. The refreshing taste of soda washed over my tongue, followed by the bitter aftertaste of whiskey.

“Maybe, but the real question here is will you be fine?” Twilight asked, glancing back at me. The mixed drink had been her idea, surprisingly. A treat to calm me after my freakout on stage; the bad one, not the song-inspired one. Not enough alcohol to get me drunk, but just enough to ‘take the edge off’, according to her.

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “It was… it was nothing.” Upon seeing her disbelieving look, I smiled weakly. “It was nothing. Just a flashback to an unpleasant memory. It passed.”

“Discord?”

I was silent a moment before saying softly. “The fighting pit.”

“Well, that certainly isn’t nothing,” Twilight said. “That had to have been an awful memory. I can understand now why you froze. We’ll have to remember for next time to have you and Octavia facing each other or something. A position that’ll hide the crowd from you.” She tapped a wingtip against her chin. “Maybe a darker theater, and we’ll keep the front seats empty.”

My heart swelled as I watched her talk to herself, coming up with various ways to make the next concert as comfortable for me as possible. There wasn’t even a guarantee that we’d have another concert—Octavia had been rather mute about the possibility of more, and she had sequestered herself away with Vinyl before I could ask her. And yet, here was Twilight, planning away.

Reaching down, I scratched the back of her neck, silencing her rant. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it… but thanks for thinking of me.” She hummed happily and leaned into my hand. Beside us, Cadance squee’d.

We reached the library without any issues. Placing my empty mason jar on the coffee table, I made my way up the stairs, stopping just long enough to ask Twilight. “You taking a shower first, or…?”

She took several steps forward, only to pause, her gaze flicking to the cupboard under the stairs. Her feathers fluffed up and she bit her lip. “I’ll… I’ll be up in a second. I need to check on something first. It’s… been a while. It’s important.”

“Mama bird needs to check her nest~~~!” Cadance sing-songed as she pranced past.

“No!” Twilight cried defensively. “Maybe. I don’t know!” She fidgets in place, her wings fanning out beside her. “I-I mean, it’s been a while… I haven’t checked on it since Max found it… I just need to… it probably needs to be… I should probably clear it out before… gah!” Letting out a stressed squeak, she cantered quickly for the cupboard. Rolling my eyes, I continued up the stairs. Right as I was closing the door, I heard the creak of the cupboard door and a loud, surprised gasp.

Our bedroom was dimly lit, the last rays of daylight filtering through our drapes. Unwilling to light a lamp, I instead used the faint sunlight to make my way around the room. As I did so, I began to strip down out of the ridiculous clothing Octavia had found for me. The cutaway coat hit the floor unceremoniously, followed closely by the waistcoat and cravat. The shoes were just coming off of my sore feet—having not worn shoes for so long, the inclusion of some had played havoc on my toes—when the bedroom door suddenly burst open.

I barely had time to turn around before a furry missile slammed into me, tossing me bodily onto the bed. Lips were mashed against mine and a tongue quickly invaded my mouth. In the gloom, the scent of lilacs and the obsession with running their tongue over my canines let me know who my ‘assailant’ was. The lavender wings spread wide above me were also another indication.

As Twilight continued to feverishly explore my mouth, I heard Cadance’s voice drifting up from the commons. “Hey, Spike! How about you and I go get some ice cream?”

“R-really?” came the excited reply. “That would be awesome! Wait. Just us? What about Twilight and Max?”

“Oh don’t worry. They’re a little occupied at the moment~~~!”

The sound of the front door closing was followed by a loud pop as Twilight finally broke the kiss. Gasping, she pulled back, long strands of saliva connecting our lips; I had forgotten how much more ponies drooled than humans.

“Not that I’m complaining…” I huffed, trying to catch my breath, “because I’m really not, but why so frisky all of a sudden?”

“You touched my nest. You improved my nest.”

“Well, yeah. I thought you’d like it.”

“Oh, I did,” she whispered huskily, “and I’m pretty sure you’ll like this.”

Her horn glowed and the breeches and stockings were magicked off of me, leaving me naked beneath my mare. I had been slowly stirring during the kiss, but upon feeling her velvet fur against my bare flesh, I sprung to full mast. It rubbed between her legs, nestled in the cleft of her teats.

“There he is,” Twilight purred, pressing her hindlegs together. “I was hoping he’d make an appearance.”

“You keep that up and he’ll do more than that,” I groaned. Her thighs squeezed her teats against my member, the heat sending it twitching and spasming. Was it just my imagination, or were they bigger than before?

“Well then, I best get started before it’s over.” Pushing herself up, Twilight turned around before draping herself back across my stomach. She stroked my cock slowly with a hoof, steady pulses of pleasure following the touch as the soft velvet of her frog cradled my aching flesh. Adjusting her position, she leaned down and nuzzled at my balls before giving the precious orbs a soft lick, sending a shiver racing down my spine. She moved upwards, licking all the while until finally planting a kiss at my swollen tip.

A gasp caught in my throat. Pleasure raced through me as she pressed her lips against my head, bathing it in saliva, kissing and nibbling while continuing to stroke. My hips jerked suddenly causing Twilight to giggle around my cock before using her hooves to hold me steady. She licked and nipped at the sensitive flesh, and I squirmed beneath her.

I was pulled from my pleasure when a splash of something heated and aromatic landed on my nose. Looking up, I beheld a glorious sight. Twilight’s sex was on display above me, the pale skin glistening with her juices. As I watched, she winked and another drop fell, this time on my cheek.

“Well, we can’t have that,” I muttered.

“Hmmm?” Twilight hummed around my member, only to squeak when I reached up and squeezed her rump. Pulling her down, I pressed my lips against her marehood, rubbing them against her drenched slit before slipping my tongue deep into her scalding flesh. She moaned around her mouthful before splaying her legs open wider, exposing more of herself to my exploring tongue. Her sweet, tangy flavor flooded my mouth.

With a groan, Twilight slowly returned her attention to my own aching sex. Pressing her tongue against my head, she slowly trailed it downward, licking and nibbling as she went. Upon reaching the base, she brushed her lips against my balls, sucking first one and then the other into her mouth. I grunted into her marehood, my balls throbbing at the attention. As she played with them, I could feel Twilight smile around her treat. Giving the orbs one last, languid suck, she worked her way back up the shaft, bathing my member in cool saliva.

Growling, I shoved my tongue deeper into her pussy, and her arousal spilled into my mouth. Her body jerked against mine. Wriggling my tongue against her clenching folds, I enjoyed the storm of twitches and shudders that ran through my mare’s body. Her juices flowed more eagerly, and soon they were spilling out and trickling down my chin and through my beard. Capturing her winking clit, I teased and tormented the little nub until her thighs abruptly squeezed down on my head hard. Her entire body tensed and trembled, but the deluge didn’t come; she seemed to be holding back her orgasm.

Suddenly her lips slid to the tip of my cock, where they parted and enveloped the head in her maw. She moved her head down, taking more and more into her mouth, the wet heat engulfing my flesh.

Not to be outdone, I added my fingers to the mix. Wrapping my arms around her legs to hold her in place, I peeled her folds apart, exposing her rippling insides to my dancing tongue. I delved deep inside, my nose pressed firmly up against her sex. Her musk invaded my nostrils, the earthy scent building my excitement.

Twilight’s moan vibrated around my cock and her marehood tried to squeeze my tongue only to be stopped by my spread fingers. Sliding my thumb down her dripping lips, I rubbed at her clit. This earned another groan from her before she started pumping her head up and down erratically, a mixture of saliva and precum dribbling down to my balls as she worked up a froth.

And just like that, it became a race.

I forced my tongue even deeper, her sickly sweet juices spilling from my mouth even as her scent overwhelmed me. In response, Twilight’s sucking grew desperate, her hot mouth consuming my cock with long, deep strokes, her throat squeezing at my head with each thrust. My hips bucked and jerked, and she shifted and tensed against me. A deep, aching pressure built up in my core as the pleasure continued to grow further and further into ecstasy. The only thing that kept me from tipping over the edge was the stubborn need to force Twilight over first.

We fought each other, pushing against one another as we writhed together in shared euphoria. She’d slam herself to my base, swallowing eagerly as I slipped into her throat; I pressed my fingers inside her, working together with my tongue to get her marehood twitching and spasming. It felt like this went on for hours, both of us teetering on the edge, fighting back in a vain attempt to outlast the other. The dam had to break eventually though, and with an explosive crash, it did.

With a muffled shriek, Twilight’s thighs crushed my head, her hot arousal gushing out to soak my face and neck. Her body twitched and convulsed, her throat pulsing fervently around my cock as she screamed into my groin. The thick scent of her nectar was enough to send my own climax slamming into me. Pure pleasure erupted in my loins as I clutched at Twilight’s rear, squeezing her as close as I physically could. My balls jerked and a surge of heat rushed from them, coursing up my shaft.

Ecstasy flooded through me as my cock kicked in her throat, my balls clenching as they forced wave after wave of hot cum spurting into her stomach. My hips twisted, trying to force more of my cock deeper into her mouth. She did the same, grinding her marehood against my face as she rode out her own cascading bliss. For a moment in eternity we were one, holding each other tight as our bodies quivered.

And then it was over.

Releasing my death hold on Twilight’s rump, my head flopped backward and I stared up at the ceiling, breathing hard. With a low moan, Twilight nursed on my softening member before sliding off of me and collapsing at my side. Both our faces were matted with the other’s juices, and the ripe scent of lust and sweat choked the air. There was a chime of magic, and our bedroom window cracked open.

Not having the energy to move, I felt blindly around until I found Twilight’s foreleg. Carefully, I pulled her around until we were both facing the same direction. She was still out of breath and had a dazed look on her face.

Weakly, I reached out and patted her cheek. “Hey, you okay in there?”

“No,” she said haltingly. “No, I’m not.”

A spike of apprehension shot through me and, sitting up slightly, I gave her a worried look. “You didn’t enjoy it? You… you seemed like you were having a good time.”

“Oh! Oh, no! You were amazing,” she quickly assured me. “I haven’t been that aroused in ages. I haven’t orgasmed that hard in ages. The hormones most likely helped. No, no it wasn’t that.”

“Then… what?”

“It… it was the…” She paused, swallowing thickly before wincing. “It’s the taste. Your, uh… essence tastes nothing like it used to. It used to be sweet-ish, but now… now it’s just bitter and sour. Disgusting. Your diet of alcohol is not helping at all.”

“Ah… I see.” Flopping back down onto the bed, I was silent for a moment before glancing over at her. “So, what you’re saying is… less whiskey and more piña coladas?” I laughed as she batted at me with her wings.

“Just because I gave you a little tonight doesn’t mean I’m dropping this issue. One way or another, we are going to wean you off that stuff!” she said, trying to be stern but failing due to the strands of cum and drool staining her muzzle.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, pulling her against me and wrapping an arm around her. “Whatever you say, Sparklebutt.”

We lay there for a good while, just basking in each other’s presence. With her chest pressed against mine, I could feel her heart beating softly, and I’m pretty sure she could feel the same of mine. Despite the frantic energy that had filled the room just minutes before, a calm peace had now descended, one that I didn’t want to break. However, all good things must come to an end.

“We should probably shower before Cadance and Spike get back,” Twilight muttered sleepily into my neck.

“That’s probably the smart thing to do,” I agreed but made no move to get up. “Do you want to go first, or should I?”

“I think it’d be best if we just showered together and got it over with,” Twilight said. Her horn flashed and the distant sound of running water reached my ears.

“Oh no.” I shook my head. “That won’t work.”

“Why not?” Twilight whined.

“If I get in that shower with you, things are gonna get dirtier before it gets cleaner.”

“…”

“I’ll plow that pony plot into the wall until you’re a puddle.”

“I stand behind my previous statement. It’d be best if we just showered together and got it over with.”

“Fine, but don’t blame me when this ends up taking longer than if we showered alone,” I said before scooping the giggling pony up in my arms and making for the bathroom. The water was nice and warm when we arrived.

It was freezing when we finally got out.

Chapter 38: Interlude of Life

A soft rain pattered against the reading nook’s window. It was a gentle rain—the final whimpers of the storm as the weather team worked on cleaning it up. By the afternoon, sunshine and warm weather were promised for the next week.

It was early in the morning—at least early for me—and sleep still clung to the edges of my vision as I nursed a glass of mango and pineapple juice. A plate of toast and candied orange slices sat on the nook’s table, along with a small cup of strawberries and blueberries. I picked at the food absently, not really savoring anything I ate. Watching the rainwater trickle down the window pane, I sipped at my drink before turning to the pony sitting across from me. “So, what does the damage look like?”

“Hmmm?” Looking up from her papers, Octavia peered at me over her reading glasses.

“The concert?” I asked, nodding to the papers. “How bad was it?”

“Oh.” She looked back to the papers and shuffled through them. “I suppose it really depends on how you look at it. It seems that several of the nobles that were in attendance weren’t too happy about the… end of our concert. I’ve already received several letters of complaint… which I allowed Vinyl to use as kindling. Some of the more proactive ones have even attempted to contact the Canterlot’s Royal District Orchestra to try and get me fired. I don’t think they realize I haven’t worked for them for years.”

“And if they happen to contact the right orchestra?”

“I’m not worried. My conductor doesn’t care too much about ‘reputation’. As long as you play well, you still have a chair.” She picked up a crimson paper and glanced at it. “Oh, and apparently one of the more extreme nobles is petitioning for our arrest, of all things. For crimes against music. Not the first time I’ve heard that one, surprisingly,” she muttered under her breath.

Sitting back, I sighed heavily. “So basically… I fucked up.”

“I didn’t say that,” Octavia said. “Yes, the major nobles are upset, but on the other hoof, several minor nobles have asked me for the name of your song. I don’t believe they know the origin is not of our world and thus they won’t be able to find it without you, but they were eager for the name nonetheless. Additionally, many—many—common folk have been sending in requests for more performances, similar style performances, and one or two are even asking for lessons.” Putting the papers down, she smiled. “So you see? Some bad reactions, some good reactions, but more good than bad.”

“If you say so,” I said.

“I do say so,” Octavia huffed. “Overall, I’d say this positively impacted our reputations. If anything, it’ll keep ponies talking for a while, which is always good in show business.”

Taking another sip of juice, I glanced into the library center. It was dimly lit; none of the lamps had been turned on and there wasn’t enough ambient light outside to illuminate the interior yet. Primrose was seated in a beanbag chair, reading a book on exotic wildlife by the light of a single candle. Avera was asleep in the upper rafters, having gotten back an hour ago from an overnight shipping order she had to run to Hollow Shades. Spike was puttering around, putting away a few early morning returns. And then there was Twilight.

The cupboard door was propped open and inside, snuggled down in her nest, was the princess herself, with blankets draping around the entrance to her nest-cave, forming makeshift curtains. A book was balanced casually upon a pillow in front of her. There was a bag of chocolate chip cookies betwixt her forelegs that she was snacking on. A bandana was wrapped around her forehead, keeping her bangs out of her eyes. She had one of my ‘stolen’ shirts on: a black one with her cutie mark on the front. Unlike Pyresteed, Twilight only seemed to wear the shirts while she was ‘nesting’. Turning a page, she fished a cookie out of the bag, dipped it into a jar of peanut butter, and then popped the morsel into her mouth. She chewed happily, her wings quivering at her sides.

A smile touched my lips as I watched her. I wasn’t sure how long she had been hiding the nest from me, but now that it was out in the open, she had decided to leave the door open. I don’t know what it was about it, but seeing her snuggled down in her little cupboard made my heart flutter.

“So, where do we go from here?” I asked, turning my attention back to Octavia. “What’s the plan? Do we start slamming out concerts like there’s no tomorrow, or…?”

“No, I don’t think so,” Octavia hummed. “Not for a while, at least. There are several things that need to be done before that happens. I need to talk with a few ponies, organize a couple of things, and find a few more pieces of music so we aren’t playing the same things over and over again. We don’t want to get too stale.”

“And buy a new cello, too,” I said into my juice cup.

This earned me an affronted look. “Hey! It was your song that caused me to smash my precious child in the first place!”

“Don’t blame me for that,” I shot back. “I didn’t smash my cello after the song. You’re the one that went all rockstar on it.”

“A moment of weakness, nothing more,” she said through gritted teeth. “I wasn’t used to music that is that… intense. It wasn’t classical. It wasn’t normal.”

“More intense than making out with your marefriend in front of several hundred ponies?” I asked. “‘Cause… that didn’t happen to me. That sounds more like a ‘you’ problem.” She started grinding her teeth, and that’s when I figured it was time to cash in while the getting was good.

Finishing off my juice, I sighed heavily. “Anyway, I’ll leave the details to you, I guess. Just let me know when and where the events are. I’ll try to keep my schedule open as much as possible.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Octavia sighed. “As we are technically the managers of this duet, we set our own times. Sure, somepony can request a certain day, but for the most part, we decide what days we are free. Clashing events won’t be a problem.”

“Gotcha.” The last of my breakfast finished, I leaned back in my chair. “So, change of topic. Are you planning on coming to the cookout tomorrow?”

“Of course! Vinyl and I will both be there. We’re even bringing something to share.”

“You didn’t need to do that. Food will be provided.”

“We are bringing something to share,” Octavia said firmly.

I held up my hands. “Okay, fine! Bring something to share.” I laughed. “I’m just repeating what Twilight told everyone. She and Ebony are organizing the food. The only thing I’m in charge of is my special order which came in last night.”

“Special order?” Octavia asked.

“It’s a surprise,” I said with a smile. “Granted, a lot of ponies might not care for the surprise, but it’s my party, I can splurge if I want to. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to cook and enjoy this, sooo… I’m doing it anyway.”

Octavia gave me a curious look. “If it’s what I think it is, Vinyl might be interested in having some.”

“I’ll be sure to offer her some then,” I said. Gathering up my dirty dishes, I made to get up. “Is there anything else we need to discuss about our concerts, or was that pretty much it?”

“That was pretty much it,” Octavia said, closing up her ledgers with a snap. “Anything not mentioned was either not important enough to matter at the moment, or something we can handle at a future time.” I nodded before carrying my dishes to the kitchen.

Ebony was at the counter, doing prep work for tomorrow’s festivities. Fruits and vegetables soaked in the filled sink, from which she was snatching and chopping those she needed. A container of water waited for the sliced foods, and once full she placed them in the stuffed fridge.

Stepping around her, I placed my dirty dishes off to the side, out of the way of her prep zone. I watched her work for a moment before grabbing a piece of apple as it floated past. “How’s it going?” I asked, popping it in my mouth.

“So far, so good,” she said, not turning her attention from the task at hand. “Most of the food is fairly fresh. We have one or two misfits, but I’ll just use those as compost for the greenhouse, so they aren’t a total waste. I’m almost done with the prepping. Everything should be ready for tomorrow on my end.”

“Awesome.” Snagging another piece of fruit, I double checked the fridge—which was crammed full of containers of sliced fruits, vegetables, various beverages, and a large package crammed onto the bottom shelf. I’d deal with that later in the day, so for now I just closed the door and left everything as it was.

Exiting the kitchen, I stood in the doorway, contemplating what to do. Part of me wanted to go back upstairs and get a few more hours of sleep, but I knew if I did that, the rest of my day would be thrown off. We had kept up on the library so it wasn’t in need of cleaning or organizing. For the moment, there wasn’t really anything I needed to do.

And if that was the case…

Twilight squeaked as I entered her nest, collapsing down onto the piles of pillows and blankets and pushing her aside. She started to protest before I threw my arms around her and pulled her against my chest, resting my head on top of hers as I placed her in my lap.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Relaxing,” I muttered into her mane. The scent of lilacs tickled my nose.

“Oh…” She was still until it became apparent that I wasn’t moving. Slowly, she returned to her book. The soft sound of pages turning came every few minutes, along with the faint sound of Twilight’s breathing. Eyes closed, I sat there, holding her close and timing my breaths with hers. Her hoof brushed against my hand, the strokes gentle and caring. I could feel myself starting to drift off, a haze creeping in from the edges of my consciousness.

I was just starting to embrace the nothingness when something bumped against my lips. Cracking open my eye, I gazed bemusedly at the cookie floating in front of my face.

“Can I help you?” I mumbled tiredly.

“Cookie?” Twilight asked, and from the sounds of it, her mouth was already full.

Sighing, I opened my mouth and the cookie slowly drifted in. “Fank you,” I said, chewing.

Twilight hummed before snuggling back into me. Together we sat there, lost in each other’s company, while outside the rest of the world slowly woke up to the gentle sound of the pattering rain.

Chapter 39: Welcome to Ponyville, Year 2, Part 1

The mouthwatering scent of the cookout filled the warm spring air.

Five large pit-fired grills had been set up in front of Golden Oaks Library, and the flames crackled away merrily along with the sound of sizzling veggies. Kabobs of seasoned zucchini, summer squash, red peppers, mushrooms, red onions, and tomatoes roasted on two of the grates. Ebony kept an eye on them, turning them periodically as they cooked before removing the finished kabobs and placing them out on the serving table where ponies could grab them whenever they fancied. The kabobs weren’t all, though—the table was already laden with a sizable spread of chips, pretzels, carrots, celery, grape tomatoes, and several dozen varieties of sugar-coated fruit slices. Ponies swarmed the table, sampling and piling plates high with their favorites.

Twilight was using another cooking pit to grill up some hayburgers. She wore a simple yellow sundress that fluttered in the gentle breeze, while her mane was bunched up in a ponytail. Seasoning and flipping a dozen or so patties with ease, she gossiped cheerfully with Octavia, Rarity, and Fluttershy, the latter two wearing matching sun hats and sunglasses. The buttery pegasus enjoyed a kabob while Rarity was content with a fruit cocktail. Octavia just sipped a glass of water as she kept an eye on the inhabitants of the next cooking pit over.

The fourth grate had been taken over by a drooling Vinyl and Primrose. They cooked their own kabobs using any and all blood veggies that had matured enough for consumption (and several more that were probably still a little unripe). Both had already consumed several and had the used skewers sticking from their mouths as they sucked off the residual juices, watching the next batch of kabobs cook with unblinking, hunger-filled eyes.

And the last cooking pit was reserved for me and my special menu. Unlike the other pits, my pit was more embers than flame—a low, even heat for a slow cook. A metal lid covered the grate, helping trap the heat. My food had been cooking since sunrise—nearly six hours ago—and it was almost finished. While I waited for it to cook for the last few minutes, I nursed a root beer float I got from Pinkie while I conversed with the pony sitting next to me.

“What would you want your last meal to be if you could choose it?” Cadance asked as she sipped at her own root beer float.

“Manicotti with garlic bread,” I answered immediately.

Cadance’s ears perked. “Mani-what-i?”

“Manicotti,” I repeated. “Large pasta tubes that are stuffed with Ricotta cheese and parsley and cooked with a nice healthy tomato sauce, and topped with grated Parmesan cheese.”

“Huh…” She stirred her float for a moment before scooping out some ice cream. “Something so simple. May I ask why that dish in particular?”

“It’s only as simple as you want it to be,” I said. “It’s something that my mom used to make all the time. Every other Sunday was ‘Manicotti Day’. We’d get back home from church and the kitchen would just transform into a cacophony of smells and noise. She’d always make the sauce from scratch—crushed garlic, onions, tomatoes, seasonings, fresh basil, and parsley.” Closing my eyes, I let a small smile touch my lips. “She’d let it simmer as she stuffed the pasta and the aroma would fill the whole house. It’d only get worse when she was making the garlic bread until your stomach was begging for just a little taste of something.”

“Ah, so it has sentimental value,” Cadance hummed.

I nodded. “That, and it was also the last meal I had before being plucked into Equestria. I didn’t have any breakfast before work that day… so mom’s manicotti was my last taste of home before, well…”

Trailing off, I gestured around at the gathering in our front yard. A large banner hung between two posts in the ground that read ‘Happy Ponyville-versery!’ on it. Beneath the fluttering cloth, ponies mingled and conversed. Applejack and Big Mac were rolling up a couple of barrels underneath the banner, to replace the barrels of cider that had already been consumed. Pinkie had set up a couple of game stands off to the side for the foals, and the Crusaders were desperately trying to earn their cutie marks in cornhole. Rainbow Dash was encouraging them, a half-full mug of cider in her hoof.

Several other ponies from around town were present too: Aloe, Lotus, Ditzy and her little filly, Berry Punch, Piña Colada, Nurse Redheart, Mr. and Mrs. Cake and their foals, as well as a couple of others that happened to be passing by and were invited in. A couple had stopped over to congratulate me on my year-long achievement, while several others had come over just to catch up. Lotus in particular stuck around for a while to talk before joining her sister at the food table. A few just stopped in for a bite before leaving, but that had been the whole point—come when you want, leave when you want, eat what you want.

“So… this dish has sentimental value,” Cadance repeated her previous statement with a smirk.

“Yes,” I laughed. “It has sentimental value.”

Draining the last of her float, Cadance smacked her lips. “Have you thought about making the dish again? I might not know the entire process, but it sounds like an easy enough dish for you to replicate if you had it so often.”

“I’ve actually considered it. There were a couple of times I started to look for the ingredients I’d need for it.”

“What stopped you?”

“I… I didn’t want to ruin my memories by making it wrong,” I said softly. “It’s one of the few treasured memories I have of my old home, and I don’t want to sully it. I know it sounds stupid, but I’d rather never eat it again and always have the memories than make a bad dish and ruin everything.” Swirling the ice cream in my float, I frowned. “It sounds silly when I say it out loud, but it’s really how I feel.”

“No, I understand,” Cadance said softly. “It’s not silly. When I was a filly, my adoptive parents had an orange tree in their yard. Being a pegasus at the time, I used to snag fruit off the top branches to snack on whenever I could. When, well… when they… were no longer there, I grabbed five to take with me when I came to Canterlot. I made them last as long as I could, savoring each one as much as possible. Every orange I eat now I compare to those last five from my parents’ tree.” Her ears folded back. “And with each new orange I have, I can swear I feel the memory fading. It’s part of the reason I don’t eat them as often now. I… I’m afraid I’ll forget the taste completely.” She was silent for a moment before placing a wing on my leg. “What I’m trying to say is, I understand completely. Some memories are better left as just that. Memories.”

Tentatively, I placed a hand on her wing, taking comfort in the knowledge that someone else understood how I felt.

It was a few minutes later that Avera landed down beside the fire, her delivery cap still on her head and an empty delivery bag about her shoulders. She looked exhausted, and her feathers were disheveled.

“By the Frozen North, that was ridiculous,” she grunted.

“Busy morning?” I asked.

“You have no idea.” Removing her cap, she stowed it in the bag before tossing that towards the base of the library. “You’d think it’s the holidays with how many packages are going out these past few days. I swear my wings feel like they are going to fall off!” With a thump she sat down next to the cooking pit. “I’m starving, too. Is that special thing you were talking about finished yet?”

“Should just about be. Let’s take a look!” Placing my empty root beer mug on the ground, I picked up a hot mitt and gingerly lifted the lid off the grate, revealing four full racks of pork ribs covered in glistening barbeque sauce.

It had taken some searching on Twilight’s part—and several letters—but once I was in contact with them, the griffon butcher in Lower Canterlot was positively thrilled for the business. Ribs were apparently not a big seller in this part of the world—go figure—so someone looking to purchase a full rack, let alone four, was almost unheard of. It took some back and forth to convince her that I was serious about buying such an amount, but when the hen was satisfied it was legit, she sent over some of the biggest racks I had ever seen. While there might have been a lot of sapient creatures on Equus, there were also a lot of large non-sapient ones too. The racks she had sent me were nearly three feet in length, and they were so thick that I could barely get all four on the grill to be cooked.

Giving one of the racks a tentative poke with a set of tongs, I smiled at the tenderness of the meat.

“Oh, they’re done alright,” I said as I gripped a rack with the tongs. “You want a full one or half of one?”

“Oh my Celestia,” Avera breathed, drool rolling from her lips. Her fangs flashed. “Mama needs a full one. A big, fat, full one.”

“Alright! Coming right up!” Carefully lifting a rack off of the grate, I placed it on a plate that Cadance proffered up with her magic. It was so long that the last four ribs on either side hung over the edge of the plate, dripping barbeque sauce onto the ground.

I barely had the plate held out for Avera before she sank her teeth into the ribs. Meat tore and bones cracked and she moaned happily, cheeks bulging. She sucked the marrow from the bones noisily before swallowing everything. The next bite was just as large and messy as the first.

As Avera made noises that were borderline sexual next to me, I turned my attention to the two vampires at the next cooking pit over. “Oi! You guys want some of this?” Primrose shook her head, eyes remaining locked on her cooking blood veggies, but Vinyl got up and wandered over. Breaking off half a rack, I offered it to her before claiming the other half as my own.

“Not bad, brony,” Vinyl said as she sampled a rib. She didn’t crunch the bone like Avera; she just sucked on the rib before pulling just the bone out with her magic, leaving behind the meat. Savoring the morsel, she nodded slowly. “Not bad at all. It’s been a while since I’ve had something like this.” Popping another rib in her mouth, she pulled the bone free again. “I could get used to this.”

“Well, don’t,” I said around my own mouthful of meat. “Do you know how expensive this was? Special occasions only.” The meat was exquisite; it melted off the bone and the seasoning and barbeque had saturated it enough to make it flavorful. I found myself sucking my fingers after each bite, trying to get as much enjoyment as I could from the experience. It had been ages since I had a good rack of ribs—I was going to make the most of this. It also helped that I caught Twilight watching me as I licked my fingers, a faint blush on her cheeks. I, of course, didn’t mind putting on a show.

About the time Vinyl and I were working on our second halves (and Avera was plowing through another whole one), two new ponies walked up to the grill. Caught in my blind spot, I didn’t notice them at first, at least not until they made a beeline for me. Well, one of them did, at least, with the other one following close behind. When they finally entered my field of vision, I glanced over, only for my eyes to widen as I caught sight of the pair of sightless ones. Putting my plate aside, I quickly scooped up the one pony without whom I wouldn’t be having this party—without whom I would probably have never survived long enough to arrive at the library in the first place. My first real friend in this world of magic and friendship.

Settling back down in my chair, I cradled said pony in my arms, scratching her belly as I cooed. “Well hey there, butterbutt. How are you doing today? Glad you could make it.”

Sunny Breeze tittered happily, her blind eyes staring at a point just above my head. She pawed at my hand, trying to stop the tickling.

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!”

Chapter 40: Welcome to Ponyville, Year 2, Part 2

The pleasant morning gave way to an equally pleasant afternoon. However, the party was starting to wind down as many of the guests, having eaten and socialized their fill, left. The Cakes had left first—Mrs. Cake not meeting my eye as they offered goodbyes—and after that, the rest had trickled out. Aloe and Lotus had been the most recent, with Lotus hugging me and insisting I come for another massage sometime soon.

Now the gathering just consisted of our closest friends, most of which were gathered around a single smoldering cooking pit—Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Octavia, Vinyl, Avera, Ebony, Primrose, Stacker, Sunny, Cadance, Twilight, and myself. Rainbow and Applejack sat off to the side along with Big Mac, all three sampling from the leftover barrels of cider. The crusaders and Spike were camped out in a sunny patch of grass, lost to the world as they dozed happily. Pyresteed had finally come outside with Spike, the former snacking on the remaining ribs while the latter nestled into Twilight’s lap.

A good amount of food remained, and we picked at it idly as we conversed, reminiscing about days gone by.

“No, I’m being dead serious,” I said, even as Twilight whined and blustered beside me. “Sunny had only been living with us for a week, and Twilight had already come up with a budget and was trying to convince me she had to leave. Because according to her, ‘she was eating too much food’.”

“I wasn’t wrong!” Twilight defended. “We were feeding another mouth on a budget meant for three ponies!”

“Twelve years!” I shot back to the chortles of our friends. “We were apparently going to go completely broke in twelve years. And that’s without any more bits coming in.”

Twilight’s cheeks puffed out. “Okay, I’ll admit I was being a little ridiculous. But I didn’t like how much attention she was giving you at the time!”

“I don’t remember any of this,” Sunny wheezed in my lap, wiping a tear from her clouded eyes. “Oh Celestia, that’s amazing.”

“Of course she would be giving him attention,” Avera snickered. “She just discovered an intelligent human.”

“I know, I know!” Twilight said, waving a hoof. “Looking back now it was silly, but at the time it was, I don’t know… important? I just didn’t like how it made me feel, okay?”

Chuckling, I reached over and scratched behind Twilight’s ear, earning a happy coo from her. “Water under the bridge now,” I said.

“Well, I think it’s positively wonderful that Ms. Sunny was in the right place at the right time to help you,” Rarity said. “Even if she was associating with a rather ghastly group of individuals.”

“They were the only ones willing to hire me at the time,” Sunny said lamely, her ears pressing against her head. “I needed the money and I’d always wanted to work with humans, so when they offered me the job as human handler for their group, I jumped at the chance. It wasn’t until later that I realized what was happening, and by then it was too late to back out. At least, not safely. So I was stuck with them until the Royal Guards started tracking us down.”

I hugged the sad pony tighter against my chest. “I, for one, am grateful for that. I probably wouldn’t be here if you hadn't been there.”

Sunny shook her head. “But I helped them do a lot of bad things!”

“And I’d say you made up for those bad things by helping us hunt them down,” Stacker said.

“Ponies and humans died because of me,” Sunny whined. “If I had just left sooner…”

“And ponies and humans were saved as well,” Stacker countered.

Sunny opened her mouth to respond, but I placed a finger on her muzzle, silencing her. “Ah ah ah, no. No more of this pity party. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” At the silence that followed my statement, I glanced around at the confused looks before facepalming. “It’s… it’s a saying back home. Humans rode horses. For transportation. Back home.” The confusion didn’t fade. “Look… it’s a saying that was supposed to convey that just wishing for something doesn’t make it magically happen, so there’s no use dwelling on what-ifs.”

“Oh!” Fluttershy blinked. “You mean like ‘if dogs could fly, all the trees would be bare’?”

“I… guess…?” I scratched my beard. “I’m… not entirely sure if they’re the same. Is… is that a fetching joke? Wait, no… whatever. We’ll go with that.”

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” Sunny said, “but I still think I didn’t make the best choices. Even after meeting you, I could have tried to do something. Anything. Maybe help you escape sooner or… or something!”

“You couldn’t have known he was intelligent,” Octavia said softly.

Sunny’s face screwed up. “But I—”

“Oh stop it,” Avera huffed. “Your first time meeting the big guy couldn’t have been any worse than ours,” she said, motioning between her, Primrose, and Ebony. “First day on bodyguard duty and we let him get beat up by a psychotic unicorn.

Primrose growled. “I was not part of that, thank you. I showed up after the fact.”

“My point still stands,” Avera said. “If you keep looking back at what could have happened in your life, you’ll miss out on what can happen.”

Before any more could be said, I felt a tugging on my sleeve. Looking down, I found Pyresteed looking up at me. “Alpha bone?” she asked.

“Excuse me?”

“Alpha bone Pyresteed?” Her blue eyes were wide and innocent. “Alpha bone good? Bone Pyresteed, yes?”

I stared at her blankly for a moment before glancing to my other side. Reaching down, I picked up my plate that was stacked high with discarded rib bones. “These?” I asked as I offered it to her.

Pyresteed chirped happily as she took the plate. “Bone Pyresteed mouth!” Grabbing one of the ribs that still had some barbeque on it, she slid it into her mouth before, with a gulp, a large lump slid down her throat.

“Did you just…?” Sighing, I rubbed my forehead. “Jesus Christ, at least chew it, Pyre.”

She made a gurgling sound, several bones already sticking out of her mouth.

“Is… is she going to be alright?” Fluttershy asked.

I waved a hand. “She’ll be fine.”

“Are…are you sure?”

“She’ll be fine. It’s not the worst thing she’s eaten.” Watching for a moment as Pyresteed stuffed more and more bones into her already-packed maw, I shook my head and returned my attention to the group. Before more could be said though, there was a flash of magic followed by the sound of teleporting.

Two new arrivals stood at the main gate.

“Auntie!” Cadence cried, sitting up with a smile.

“Princess Celestia! Luna!” Twilight joined in, eyes wide. “I… I didn’t think you were going to make it.”

“We apologize for our tardiness,” Celestia called as she opened the gate, wearing a pair of saddlebags across her withers. With a flash of her horn, a small box emerged from the bags and started to float beside her in a cloud of golden magic. “We had planned to be here earlier but we were—” she paused, glancing at Luna “—delayed.”

“We shall get up when we feel like it,” Luna grumbled, dark rings under her eyes. “We don’t see you up and running around at three in the morning. Besides, you still haven’t started preparing for the Griffon ambassador next wee—”

“Regardless!” Celestia spoke quickly, interrupting Luna’s grumbling. “We are here now, and we hope that we are not too late to partake in the festivities.”

“O-of course not!” Twilight stammered. “There’s still plenty of food left! A-and we can cook up something fresh if you’d like! Hayburger? Kabob? Something else?”

“Goodness, no. This looks more than acceptable, Twilight,” Celestia said, her gaze drifting over the fruit table. “Oh, these look positively mouthwatering. Mangos and pineapple and cranberries!” She took a step toward the table only to pause. “Oh! I almost forgot!” Turning, she handed me the box. “A little something special for you, my little human.”

As she and Luna raided the food table, I adjusted Sunny in my lap before opening the box. Inside were three frosted cupcakes; one with Twilight’s cutie mark on it, one with a handprint, and one with a small purple and green dragon. Someone had also drawn a caricature of the tree-brary on the inside of the box, the roots at the bottom, and the foliage drawn on the unfolded lid.

“Aw, that’s really sweet,” Cadance cooed, looking over my shoulder.

“What is it?” Sunny asked, running a hoof along the outside of the box.

“Cupcakes,” I informed her. “Three of them.”

“Correct,” Celestia said. Circling the cooking pit, she settled down in an open spot and started picking at her plate, a rainbow of different fruits adorned upon it. “A little something from us to you, to commemorate the first of hopefully many years to come.” Luna sat down beside her, her own plate loaded with nothing but pineapple bits.

Picking up the cupcake that bore a handprint, I eyed it before smiling. “Thanks. This was really thoughtful of you.” The first bite was startling—a mixture of creamy frosting, moist chocolate cake, and a fruity cherry filling that I didn’t realize it had until the sticky ooze dripped onto my fingers. Before I could stop myself, the first cupcake was completely demolished, and a second one quickly followed the first. I consumed the Spike one next and decided to save the Twilight one for later.

As the royal sisters got settled in, the discussion returned to reminiscing. Several more ponies threw in their stories—Rainbow hyping up the fight with the timberwolves, Rarity and our soirée at Scratchers, and Twilight mentioning our Nightmare Night escapades. It wasn’t long before Celestia and Luna both started adding their own tales to the mix.

“We mean, out of all the things that could have teleported into our hooves, a human was the last thing we’d have expected,” Luna said. “Twas certainly the most interesting thing to happen at Night Court in a while. Even if it pushed the stick a little further up the nobles’ flanks.” She popped a piece of pineapple into her mouth. “We did not mind the intrusion, although we were surprised all the same.”

“No more surprised than I was when he suddenly appeared in my bed chamber one Nightmare Night,” Celestia interjected. “One minute I’m reading, trying to unwind for the day, the next I have a human in my lap. An armored human… cold armor… against sensitive parts.” Several mares were sporting blushes on their faces.

“I had no control over where I was going to end up,” I defended before pointing at Luna. “Blame her for the sudden nipple freeze. I had nothing to do with it.”

“Us?!” Luna balked before pointing a hoof of her own at Rarity. “‘Twas her that startled us!”

“Moi!?” Rarity gasped at the accusation. “How dare you! I had nothing to do with it. I was just the conduit so that Max could share horror stories from his world! I had no control over what I was saying at the time!”

With eyes back on me again, I pointed at the pony beside me and immediately threw her under the carriage. “Twilight wanted to hear them.”

“Hey!” came the indignant squawk.

I joined in the laughter that came from the back and forth, only to pause. There came a slight twinge in my stomach: a small bloating sensation followed by a light burning sensation in my throat. I tried my best to ignore the small annoyance, but as the minutes crept along, the uncomfortable feeling only got worse. Finally, after twenty or so minutes, the feeling peaked suddenly, and I let out a large belch.

“Excuse me,” I said sheepishly when everyone briefly glanced over. “The food is not sitting well with me apparently.” Thinking some water might help to alleviate the indigestion I was feeling, I reached over to pick up my nearby glass, only to miss the mark slightly and knocked it over. Or at least, that’s what I thought had happened when I reflexively tried to catch it. When I did, I froze when I heard the glass clattering against hard keratin when it struck my hand. Unable to find a grip on it, the glass fell down into the grass shortly after with a light thump, splashing water all over myself.

When I looked at the end of my now-wet arm, I was completely dumbstruck at what I saw: my hand had been replaced with a horse hoof, a light brown nail starting about where my knuckles should have been. A quick glance at my other hand showed that it suffered the same fate. I stared at both of them in shock, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Was I asleep? Was this another dream about to become a nightmare? Was I completely hallucinating?

“What in Equestria…?” Twilight gasped, just as baffled as I was when she caught sight of the hooves after hearing the commotion.

Sunny started running her own hooves over one, a confused look on her face as she tried to figure out what was going on.

Looking around, the box containing the last cupcake caught my attention, and I stared at it in growing horror before my gaze flicked over to Celestia. She was sitting across the grill pit and was watching me intently with a mischievous, shit-eating grin. Upon seeing that I noticed her, her horn lit up and her saddlebags opened, dumping a pile of scrolls out onto the grass beside her. Picking one up with her magic, she lifted it to her lips, took a deep breath, and blew a torrent of crimson fire from her pursed lips. The scroll disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

A moment later the feeling of indigestion flared up into a searing pain, far worse than the most agonizing case of heartburn I’d ever had. Unable to stop myself, I belched again, and a gout of fire escaped my lips with a pained yelp. The scroll dropped onto the grass in front of me.

Before I had a chance to recover, Celestia was already blowing on another scroll. This one too came out of my mouth in a burst of flames, along with a third and fourth one, all while I was gasping and wheezing in pain the entire time. Twilight and Cadance were in a tizzy, jabbering loudly with Luna. The others were torn between trying to figure out what was going on and being concerned for me.

Placing Sunny on the ground, I coughed and hacked at the burning sensation. “C-Celestia!!!”

From across the firepit, Celestia chuckled before blowing fire on another scroll. “Maybe next time you’ll think twice before getting a mare’s teats pierced without her consent.”

The belch of scrolls materializing from my lips was almost drowned out by the volume of Twilight’s cry. “He did what?!”

Author's Note

End of Season 1 of Your Family and You

Prologue: Deep into the Darkness Peering

“So, let’s talk about these nightmares of yours.”

I glanced up from the watermelon and chocolate bar sandwich I was trying to make. The knife in my hand was ladened with cream cheese frosting, which I was in the process of spreading over the jam-filled doughnuts that made up the bread. Off to the side, a bowl of sprinkles waited to be spread over the top of the concoction.

A wine glass filled with grenadine syrup pranced across the counter, its tiny glass legs ‘tink-tink’ing against the hard marble countertop as it danced about proudly. It got too close to the edge though, and I had to catch it before it fell onto the floor. I placed it back on the counter, and it nuzzled my hand before high-stepping off.

Placing the knife back into the frosting bowl, I wiped my hands on my “Will Make Nachos for Tacos” apron as the bowl rolled away, giggling happily to itself as the frosting inside shifted through the various colors of the rainbow. I watched as it fell into the sink before turning my attention to the pony who had spoken. She was splayed out on the overstuffed couch in the corner of the room. A small notepad was laid out before her.

“What nightmares?” I asked her.

This caused her to tsk softly, and she shifted on the cushions. “Very funny. Please, don’t play coy with me. It won’t work.” The sofa yawned beneath her, roused by the mare’s movement, and a large, stuffed pony head formed from the side, like a turtle head emerging from its shell. It smacked its lips noisily before smiling and getting slowly to its hooves. The mare didn’t even seem to notice the jostling motion, or if she did, she didn’t care.

“The nightmares,” she continued. “You know, the reason why I’m here in the first place?” she tapped the notepad with a hoof. “The recurring nightmares that have been bothering you.”

I gave her a confused look. “Nightmares? Wait… you… you aren’t here for the party? Didn’t you get an invitation?” Behind me, the oven gagged before letting out a belch of fire. The aroma of butter and bread accompanied the flames.

It smacked its lips before saying in a thick, Irish brogue. “Muffins are done, ya bollix.”

“Eh, hold that thought, please,” I said, giving the mare an apologetic look before turning and grabbing the oven mitts. It was a little difficult, seeing as they were made out of water, but what better way to keep your hands cool when pulling something out of a hot oven?

The oven sighed happily as I opened its mouth and pulled out the tray of muffins. “Aaah, ‘at’s the ticket, frien’.”

I placed the crystal muffins onto a cooling rack and deposited my oven mitts into the sink before turning back to the mare. By now, the couch had trundled over to the other corner and was settling down for another nap.

“Now, where were we again?” I asked as it curled up.

The mare sighed heavily and removed her half-moon glasses. She gave me a level look. “I feel like you are avoiding the problem.”

“What problem?” I asked, scrunching up my face. “You talking about the party? No, I can’t avoid the party. I’m the one in charge of food.” Turning around, I grabbed a jar of blueberry jelly off the shelf. With a flick of the wrist, I popped the cap off and began to slather it over the muffins. Strawberries went on next, accenting the jam and standing out like little red spikes.

“If I don’t finish these, Madam Pinkie is going to cream me,” I told the mare.

She watched me bemusedly. “Have you already forgotten this is a dream?”

I paused with a strawberry lightbulb held in my fingertips. “What?” The lightbulb lit up. “This is a dream?” For a moment I stared at her, but then my eyes narrowed. “You’re just saying that because you didn’t get an invitation.”

“By the stars…” The mare rubbed at her temples with her hooves. “Please tell me you at least remember what we were talking about just moments ago.”

“We were talking?” I asked. The mare slapped her muzzle, and I cocked my head to the side. “But you just got here.”

“I’ve been here for a while!” the mare shot back. “I’ve been here several times, in fact. And each time you seem to forget about me! I feel like you’re doing this intentionally and I’m starting to get aggravated!”

“What are you talking about? I’ve never seen you before in my life.” Scratching my nose, I gave the mare a closer look. “Are you sure you aren’t here for the party?”

“Yes!” the mare snapped. “I’m here for you!”

“Eh?” I gave her a look of surprise. “I’m sorry? I’m already taken.”

The mare ground her teeth together, and a pair of fangs slipped past her lip for a moment. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and visibly calmed down. “It’s my job,” she muttered to herself. “It’s my job, it’s my job, it’s my job.” Her wings fluttered at her sides as she repeated the mantra several more times before opening her eyes again.

“You can’t keep avoiding this,” she said. “Not only is it bad for your mental health, but your mate has noted that it’s beginning to affect your physical health as well.” She tapped the notebook again. “If left untreated, this could have serious impacts on your wellbeing.”

I stared at the mare, even as the bowl of frosting peaked out of the sink. Something tickled in the back of my mind. A feeling of déjà vu. I was forgetting something, something that seemed important, but I couldn’t recall what. Suddenly, the mare didn’t seem all that unfamiliar.

The noise of the kitchen faded away as I gave the mare a more critical look. “I… know you…”

“You should,” the mare said. “We already know each other. I’m Lun—”

A deep, guttural groan came from behind me. With a start, I noticed that the kitchen had darkened substantially. All the food was now moldy and decaying, with swarms of flies buzzing around them. The countertop was chipped and dull, a large crack running down the middle. The refrigerator off to the side was battered, and its door hung by a hinge. An inch of stagnant water covered the tile floor, soaking my bare feet in a disgusting, brown-green sludge.

The kitchen reverberated as the growl came again, this time louder and more bone-jarring. The various kitchen utensils still on the counter all scampered off, shoving each other aside in their hurry to find hiding spots. The wine glass of grenadine syrup slipped and fell over the edge with a sharp crash.

The mare was in the process of getting off the couch when she suddenly froze. Her face lost its color as her eyes locked onto something behind me. Slowly, her head craned back as her gaze raised up and up and up. “Moon preserve us….”

From behind me, a wet slithering noise made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. A thick, viscous fluid landed on my shoulder, the dark liquid oozing down my chest. Swallowing thickly and against my better judgment, I turned.

I barely had time to realize I was screaming as I suddenly woke up.

Author's Note

Oh no. Here we go again. Please, no...

Chapter 11: Partnership of Strings

Despite the sun being out, it was still a relatively cool day. Even though Vinyl had claimed otherwise earlier, there were a few clouds in the sky. They floated above lazily, several of them bearing colorful adornments—pegasi having settled upon them with their tails hanging over the edges. Every so often, a ball-like object would be tossed from one cloud to another as they passed by close together. Once in awhile, it’d be a pegasus hopping clouds, to the sound of laughter.

Down on the ground, it was much the same: ponies moving around and having fun. They trotted about happily, smiles on their faces. The marketplace was full, a sea of colorful bodies milling about as each one went about their day. Shop windows were thrown open, and a deluge of mouth-watering aromas were battling it out in the spring air. Foals played on the lip of the fountain, with a few of them already in and splashing about happily.

All the joyful noise, all the happy chattering, all the laughter…

...it was making my head throb.

“Well, you did it,” I grumbled. “You got me out of the library. Now what?” Leaning heavily on my cane, I limped through the square. The crowd parted before me and many ponies gave me an odd look as I passed, but most still offered smiles, a few gave nervous looks, and one or two even avoided me. I ignored all of them, peering down instead at my companions. Despite borrowing Primrose’s tinted shades, I was still forced to squint in the sunlight.

“Well, you’re out of the library,” Vinyl said with a shrug. “That was half of my plan right there.” Her voice was muffled by the black surgical mask she had about her muzzle. It was paired with a red-and-black plaid scarf about her shoulders and a pair of cyan headphones about her neck. The sun glinted off her own shades as she sauntered down the street beside me.

Behind us, Ebony trotted along as well, her floral bandana keeping her mane tucked behind her ears. A pair of saddlebags rested across her back, along with a few clinking bottles of colored liquids. She peered around at the various stalls, searching for something.

“Right,” I growled, “but what’s the rest of the plan?”

“That’s for me to know and for you to find out,” Vinyl replied. A moment later, her mask stretched as she let out a long yawn. Even from my distance, I could still hear her jaw pop. “By the Blood, it’s too early for me to be awake,” she grumbled under her breath.

“Then why are you?” I asked in annoyance. “And for that matter… why are you even down here? You live in Canterlot.”

“All in good time, brony. All in good time,” she hummed as she eyed a display of doughnuts. Her horn lit up and she grabbed a chocolate-coated one with pink sprinkles, leaving behind several bits on the counter. The stall owner waved before scooping up the coins.

Subtly lifting up her surgical mask, Vinyl took a bite, her fangs flashing in the sunlight before burying themselves into the pastry. As she chewed, the mask dropped back down over her mouth. “All these sugary treats and desserts in this town. I’m gonna be fat before winter.” Lifting the mask again, she took another bite. “Totally worth it though.”

I glared down at her. “If you dragged me all the way out here just to get a fucking doughnut, I’m dropkicking you into the fountain with the other foals.”

“I’d like to see you try,” she scoffed. “You have to use a cane to walk. You’d fall flat on your flank before you even got your leg up.” Chuckling to herself, she stuffed the last few bites of doughnut into her mouth before replacing her mask. “Dropkick me? Boy, I’d fling your sorry flank so far across the Everfree, we’d need a team of pegasi to get you back. You haven’t been active in weeks. I doubt you could punt an actual foal, let alone me.”

“Bitch, I’d like to see you try,” I growled. “You ponies like to boast about your magic, but who was it who took down Riddick again? Oh right. Me.”

Vinyl’s mask rippled, and it took me a moment to realize she was laughing. It was a husky, almost hiss-like chuckle. “Oh, of course you did. I’m sorry. I completely forgot. All hail the human that took down Discord… by getting himself buried in a pile of stone and ash. It certainly wasn’t the Elements of Harmony that brought him down. Oh no, it was all you.”

Glaring at her, I opened my mouth to retort, but our conversation was interrupted by someone clearing their throat. “Um, excuse me?” We both paused and glanced behind us. Ebony had stopped a few meters back and when we looked, she motioned towards a building we had just passed. “If the two of you don’t mind, I’m going to pop in here for a bit. You don’t need to wait for me, even though I’m sure you two wouldn’t even notice I’m missing. I’ll catch up with you later.”

I blinked before peering at the building. It took me a moment to realize that it was the Flower Sisters’ store, Wallflowers’ Floral Shop. Several hanging baskets of flowers and ivy hung from an awning, and both windows had flower boxes attached to them. A dozen or some fat bumblebees buzzed around the flowers, happily going about their tasks.

“What do you need in there?” I asked.

Ebony shrugged. “I figured I’d start a garden in the backyard of the library. Maybe set up a small greenhouse. I want to see what this store offers. If I can buy my seeds locally, it’ll save me some bits on getting them special ordered from Canterlot.”

“Oh.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “I see. A’ight. We’ll see you back at the library?”

“Works for me,” Ebony said before opening the door and slipping inside the store. The faint sound of a bell could be heard before the door closed behind her.

I stared at the storefront for a moment before glancing down at Vinyl. “Anyways, how much longer until we reach wherever it is you’re taking me? My leg’s beginning to cramp up.”

She lowered her shades slightly and studied me. After a moment, she sighed and replaced them again. “Not much farther. It’s just a few more blocks or so. Right on the outskirts of town.” She paused for a moment before asking. “Do you need to sit down for a minute and rest?”

“Uh, I… maybe?” I stammered, caught off guard by the offer. Putting my weight on the cane, I lifted my leg and gave the knee a few good bends. I winced as the joint popped, but that seemed to work some of the stiffness from it. “No, I think I can make it. So long as you don’t take the long way round.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Vinyl snickered.

Rolling my eyes, I poked her with the cane before we both continued on our way. The buildings slowly became further and further apart as Vinyl lead me along the path. Pretty soon, stores gave way to houses with picket fences and tiny gardens out front.

As I glanced around, my confusion grew.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Home,” Vinyl said simply.

“Home?” Before she had a chance to clarify, we rounded the bend of a hill. I slowed to a stop as the house at the end of the lane came into view.

It looked like someone had taken the halves of two houses and stuck them together. One side of the building had deep, earthen tones while the other side was colored with various shades of lavender. The window boxes were decorated like miniature piano keyboards. Out of the thatched roof, the chimney jutted out, designed to look like five organ pipes. A bush out front was trimmed to look like an eighth note.

I stared at the weird house before looking down at Vinyl, who was grinning at me from behind the mask. “Home?”

“Home,” she repeated before sauntering up the path to the door. Glancing over her shoulder, she indicated that I should follow. She waited until I reached the door before turning the handle and pushing it open.

As we entered, she called out. “Honey, I’m hooome!”

“Oh!” A clatter of hooves came from further inside, followed by the sound of something being dragged along the floor. The voice called out again. “You’re back already? That was rather quick. Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Eeyup,” Vinyl said as she removed her mask and tossed it onto a nearby end table. “I found him. It was rather easy, actually. Come say hi, Tavia.”

“Come say hi?” The dragging stopped. “Vinyl! Don’t tell me you brought guests over!”

“Er, yeah…” Vinyl paused. “It was kind of… spur of the moment? Why?”

“Vinyl! The place is a mess! There are boxes everywhere and everything is thrown about haphazardly! We’re still unpacking, for Celestia’s sake! We’re in no shape to entertain company at the moment!” True enough, as I looked around, I noticed a bunch of boxes stacked up all over the place. Several were opened, but most were still taped shut.

“Oops,” Vinyl said with a grin.

The sound of hoofsteps came and a moment later a familiar face poked itself around the corner further down the main hall. Her black mane was neatly brushed, and despite being home, she had a pink bow tie around her neck.

My eyes widened and for the first time all day a small smile touched my face. “Ah… the Cello Goddess.”

She blinked, her violet eyes widening as she placed a hoof to her lips. “Oh… oh my. Cello Goddess, you say?”

Falling onto her rump, Vinyl held her head in her hooves. “No. No, no, no. Do you have any idea what you’ve done now?”

“Oh, hush, Vinyl,” Octavia said, making her way around the boxes the dotted the hallway. “It’s good to see that somepony can at least appreciate my greatness for what it really is. ‘Octavia, the Cello Goddess’. It’d be so easy to get hired with that on my resumé.” Stopping in front of me, she gave me a warm smile. “It’s nice to see you again, good sir. And judging from what my ears are telling me, it would seem the rumors are indeed true and you are no longer mute. Since that is the case, let me properly introduce myself.” She held out a hoof. “I am Octavia Melody. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

I eyed her hoof for a moment before bending down and grasping it with my hand. “Maximillian Williams, at your service.”

“I’m afraid you’ve caught us at a rather… awkward time,” Octavia said as I released her hoof. “I’d offer to let you come in and have a drink, but most of our dishware still needs to be unpacked.”

“That’s fine,” I said. “I honestly didn’t even know you guys were down here. Did you have a second home down here or something?”

“Goodness, no,” Octavia sniffed. “We might be well off, but we’re not that well off.” Picking up a box, she shoved it into Vinyl’s chest. “Here, take this to the bathroom. And be careful. Several items in there are fragile.”

Vinyl gave her a bemused look. “Why do I have to take care of it?”

“Because you’re the one with the magic, dear,” Octavia said sweetly, “and I’m the one that has to push the heavy boxes around, and carpet isn’t as forgiving as you think. Now, chop-chop!” She swatted Vinyl’s flanks, sending the centuries-old vampire down the hallway with a yelp of protest.

Brushing her hooves off, she then turned back to me. “And to answer your unasked question, we both grew weary of Canterlot and decided a change of scenery was in order. Ponyville was close enough, and we figured the calm and quiet atmosphere would be perfect for two musicians.”

I snorted. “Calm and quiet. Yeah. Right.”

“Well, that’s only part of the reason,” Octavia said. “The other main reason is that my duet partner lives here as well.”

“Duet partner?” I gave her a confused look. “Who’s your duet partner?”

She gave me a pointed look with a small smirk.

It took me a moment. When it finally clicked what she was insinuating, I opened my mouth to protest, only to pause. Slowly, my mouth closed and I cocked my head to the side. A hand reached up and I stroked my beard before tilting my head the other way. Closing my blind eye, my good eye narrowed as I stared at her. “I don’t have a cello of my own right now.”

“I have several spares you can choose from,” Octavia countered. “You’re free to pick from them until you can get one of your own.”

“I’m going to be rusty.”

“Nothing a few good practice sessions can’t work out.”

“I might not be able to actually read your sheet music.”

“That didn’t stop you when we played together before.”

“I’m not exactly the best-looking partner. The nobility might object.”

“Nonsense. You’ve clearly already started cleaning yourself up, judging from your hair. And besides, the nobility can stuff it. We only play for whoever we want.”

“I don’t have any contacts.”

“I have all the contacts.”

Pursing my lips, I gave my beard one last tug before brightening up. “A’ight. You’ve convinced me. When do we start?”

“Splendid!” Octavia chirped, her tail flicking back and forth. “And it’ll probably be a couple of weeks before we can get started. We still need to unpack and get settled, and then start with the set-up and booking. That should give you enough time to order a cello of your own.”

“Alright. Just let me know when everything’s ready to go,” I said. “You know where I live, and I now know where you live. We can work out schedules later.”

“Aren’t you pretty much free all the time?” Octavia asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Hey!” I pointed a finger at her. “Just because I have no current obligations doesn’t mean I don’t like to have things planned out. I don’t like spontaneous stuff. If I plan on doing nothing all day, then I plan on doing nothing all day. I like to have some time to prepare myself for dealing with shit. Gotta mentally prepare myself for dealing with people.”

Octavia was silent for a moment before nodding. “Fair enough. Once we’re all unpacked and settled, I shall stop by the library to compare schedules. Until then, please try and avoid any more traumatic events that might cripple and or incapacitate you.”

“I’ll try. No promises though.”

“I guess that’s all I can expect,” Octavia sighed. She then smiled and held out a hoof. “Partners?”

“Partners,” I said, shaking her hoof again.

Just then, there came a commotion down the hall, followed by the sound of glass shattering. Silence filled the house for a long, awkward moment before a timid sounding voice called out. “Er, Tavia? How… how important were those pieces?”

“One of these days I’m going to drive a stake through her heart,” Octavia growled under her breath. “But it’s not this day. It’s not this day.”

Author's Note

*snort* Hey, there, Fimfiction. Welcome back to another episode of Your Family and You. Please remember to like, comment and subscribe! *snort snort*

Chapter 31: Three's a Crowd

“Goodness, that’s certainly a stronger reaction than I was expecting,” Cadance hummed.

From my position on the ground, I could only answer with a pained groan, my head throbbing where it had struck the hardwood floor. I tried to rub at my bruised cranium, but I found that I couldn’t raise my arms. The trembling ball of lavender fur attached firmly to my chest saw to that.

Twilight had been pacing around the library and muttering to herself when we had returned, with matted streaks of fur clearly visible beneath her frantic, bloodshot eyes that had turned practically feral when she caught sight of me. Her horn flashed and she was in the middle of the room one second and was latched to my chest the next, sending both of us crashing to the floor in a pile of limbs.

I could feel her heart pounding away wildly against my chest, tiny little tremors shaking her body as she held on for dear life. She whimpered pitifully, mumbling inaudible words beneath her breath. With my arms trapped at my sides by her legs, all I could really do was stroke her barrel gently with my hands.

It seemed to help a little.

“Well, I’m glad the first part of this couples counseling session is going so well!” Cadance said lightheartedly as she walked past us. “Truth be told, given both of your past histories, I thought we’d take a little longer to get to this phase. I think we might be able to get to the next part sooner than I had anticipated!”

“And what’s the next part?” I asked.

“Communication!” Cadance singsonged. “No more assumptions! No more uncertainties! We’re all going to sit down, both of you are going to talk about what’s been bothering you, and then we’re going to make sure we’re all on the same page!”

“Aren’t we already there?” I asked. “Isn’t the same page just the fact that Twilight’s pregnant?”

“I’m sorry!” Twilight cried, her voice smothered by my shirt. “It’s all m-my fault!”

I patted her barrel and murmured softly. “Shhh, it’s okay.”

“I d-d-didn’t tell you I was p-pregnant when I first f-f-found out!”

“It’s okay. This isn’t something you need to be this stressed out about.”

“Her pregnancy isn’t the main issue,” Cadance hummed. “The knowledge of her pregnancy might have been the catalyst, but I believe her fear of your reaction—the same reason she waited so long to reveal her feelings towards you—was, and currently still is, the main issue. We’ll need to address that, as well as put her fears to rest.”

“Ah.” I stared up at the ceiling. “I see. Well, then… If that’s the case. Twilight, I’m not mad at you.”

“Yes, you are!” came the muffled reply.

“No, I’m not. I’m not mad.”

“B-but you have to be!” Twilight cried. “I’m pregnant, and I searched and searched and searched, and read all the books I could possibly find on the subject, yet I have no idea how a human and a pony can be compatible with one another, so that means that you have to think I cheated on you cause that’s the only way I could possibly be pregnant, and that means you’re going to be mad at me and leave me-e-e!” All of this was said in a rush of breath that would have made Pinkie Pie impressed.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Okay, I’ll admit that it makes no sense to me either, but to be fair, a lot of things in this world don’t make sense to me.”

“See?! I told yo-o-ou!”

“Well then, I guess… I have to ask. Did you cheat on me?”

“No-ho-hooo!” Twilight sobbed into my chest, my damp shirt starting to get soaked again by her tears. “I would never! Never ever!”

“Then I’m not mad,” I said simply. “I trust you. Let’s be fair, I’ve seen some pretty odd stuff since I arrived in Equestria. I’ve changed species twice. You were a human at one point. I was blasted with the Elements of Harmony. Twice. I’ve swapped bodies with Celestia. Us somehow being compatible doesn’t seem too farfetched to me, even if we don’t know the hows or whys yet—”

I winced.

There was a flare of pain in my temples, and for a split second an afterimage of a tree made from crystals flashed before my eyes. Then it was gone, leaving me confused. There was a faint memory there, trying to work itself free from the deepest recesses of my mind; soft whispers and murmurs and songs, but I just couldn’t work it out. And just like that, it was gone.

A sniffle from below drew my attention. Twilight lifted her head, her tear-stained eyes searching my face for any signs of deception. When she saw none, she sniffed and rubbed her cheeks. “T-then… then why did you run a-away when you found out? Why d-did you run from me?” She sunk into my lap, allowing me to sit up.

“Well, you see…” Trailing off, I glanced over at Cadance, who had taken up residence on our couch. Upon catching my eye, she gave me an encouraging smile and an eager nod. I steeled myself. Taking a deep breath, I wrapped my arms around Twilight and began to explain to her the same worries I had revealed to Cadance earlier. Several times Twilight opened her mouth to interrupt, but stopped when Cadance shushed her, which I was thankful for. It was hard enough exposing my fears like this, let alone having someone cut in.

Silence fell over the library when I finally finished talking.

From my lap, Twilight stared up at me with wide eyes, her mouth open slightly. The silence dragged on, to the point where I was starting to get worried. Cadance said she would understand, but what if she didn’t? What if it had been a mistake bringing this up? Would it have been better to not have said anything at all? Made up some other excuse? What if I…?

My spiraling thoughts of worry were immediately snuffed out when Twilight suddenly leaned forward and buried her face in my chest. She wrapped her wings around me and let out a weak laugh. “You dummy,” she mumbled into my shirt. “Did you honestly think that would matter to me? Did you honestly think I cared so little about you that this would change how I feel?” Her wings tightened against me. “I don’t want you to be perfect. I just want you to be yourself again.”

A sudden pressure welled up behind my eyes and my vision blurred. I blinked my eyes, trying to clear them, and I felt my cheeks dampen. Lifting my trembling arms, I pulled Twilight close, burying my face in her mane. Mentally, I promised myself I would never let go, no matter what happened.

From her position on the couch, Cadance squee’d, little hearts dancing in her eyes.

~ ~ ~ ~ > > < < ~ ~ ~ ~

A small fire crackled away in the fireplace. Not a blazing inferno like we tried to make during the winter months, but a small thing that was more ember than flames. My soaked clothes hung on a drying rack in the front of the hearth, the material steaming slightly.

Sitting naked on the couch, I nursed a cup of tea, taking a sip every few minutes only to wince at the taste. I don’t like the taste of tea, but both Cadance and Twilight insisted I drink some after my extended stint in the storm. It was all I could do to convince them not to have Ebony come up from the basement to give me a physical.

Twilight sat beside me, sipping on her own cup of tea. She leaned up against me, her fur feeling oddly comforting against my bare skin. A wing draped over my lap preserved my modesty toward Cadance, yet Twilight’s feathers were bordering on teasing; a tantalizing distraction that threatened to become something more if she wasn’t careful. I don’t think she was even aware of what she was doing.

Across from us, Cadance lay across a chaise lounge she had conjured from somewhere. Having already finished her tea, she was using the flickering embers to boil another cup, the kettle held steadily in her magic. As she waited for it to whistle, she continued conversing with Twilight. “Honestly, when Auntie Luna sent me the letter asking for me to visit, I didn’t think too much of it. It isn’t unusual for one of them to ask for my presence every once in a while. We’ll talk a little politics, maybe sign some trade agreements, and then have a girl’s evening in or something. However, when I arrived in Canterlot and she immediately shipped me down here to Ponyville, I started to get a little suspicious.”

“And she didn’t explain anything at all to you?” Twilight asked. “She didn’t tell you what you were coming here for?”

Letting the two of them talk, I studied Cadance curiously. There was something off about her, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

“Nope,” Cadance said with a shake of her head. “All she told me was that I was needed in Ponyville to help settle an agreement she made with you, Twilight. When I asked her to clarify what exactly that agreement was, she told me that she couldn’t say, but that I’d be able to figure it out on my own and then help you. She must have known you were pregnant?”

“She was there when I first found out,” Twilight sighed. “She and I didn’t necessarily see eye-to-eye when it came to how and when to reveal said information though. Apparently, she doesn’t like how long I’ve been taking.” Her cheeks darkened, and she puffed out her cheeks. “Can’t say I blame her though.”

Cadance tittered and raised a hoof to her lips. “Well, that would explain my sudden vacation to Ponyville.”

“And you just went along with it?” I asked, finally speaking. “Just like that? Luna tells you to come here for some unknown reason and you just go?”

She just shrugs. “It wasn’t like she was asking me to battle monsters or anything. It’s Twilight. The way I saw it, I haven’t had a chance to hang with her in a while. If Luna wanted me to visit my sister-in-law, who was I to deny her. Besides, it feels good to get out and stretch my wings again.” She wiggled a little on the couch, and suddenly it clicked.

I sat forward abruptly, almost knocking Twilight off the couch in the process, and pointed at the pink alicorn. “That’s it! I know what’s been bugging me! You’re a little less chonky than the last time we saw you!”

Twilight gave me a dirty look as she tried to steady her tea.

“Chonky?” Cadance asked.

“Yeah, you know!” I motioned down towards my own stomach. “Chonky. Your belly is rather thin, considering the last time we saw you it was practically touching the floor as you walked.” There was a sudden spray of tea beside me, followed by the sound of Twilight choking and sputtering.

She wheezed, her eyes bugging out as she flailed her forelegs at Cadance. “C-cadance, you… stomach… small… gak!” Coughing, she barely managed to get a few words out. I patted her on the back in an attempt to help her clear her airway. After a few seconds, she swallowed before trying again. “Cadance! Your stomach! The foal!”

Cadance’s concern rapidly shifted to realization. She gasped before a large grin split her muzzle, spreading ear-to-ear as she squee’d. “Oh my goodness! That’s right! With everything that’s been going on, I completely forgot! It’s just been so hectic lately, what with the human situation and the aftermath, as well as other stuff. I was going to write to everypony, but things kept popping up!” Squirming in her seat, she scooted forward to the edge. “I had twins!”

“Twins?!” Twilight practically shrieked.

“I have pictures~~~!” Cadance sang as her horn lit up. Her saddlebags flipped open and a large photo album flew into the air and landed right in her hooves. “Who wants to see~~~!”

Twilight was off the couch in an instant, jostling Cadance for space on her cushion. Letting out a groan, I forced myself up off the couch as well, my body protesting the entire way. As I shuffled around behind the love seat, Cadance cracked open the album. It was larger than I thought it should be, but my confusion was answered when she flipped through the first dozen or so pages, revealing pictures of her and Shining Armor at what appeared to be their wedding, honeymoon, and several major vacations.

It was a few more pages before suddenly—

“H’ohmygosh!” Twilight gasped, her eyes widening.

At the top of the page was a picture of Cadance lying in a crystalline hospital bed, looking exhausted and unkempt. Her mane was an absolute mess, the colors all twisted together, and there were dark bags under her eyes. Despite all that, she was still smiling widely, two small bundles held close to her chest. And just below that picture there were two more, each bearing one of two tiny little ponies.

The picture on the left showed a pink pegasus filly, fast asleep on a pillow. She was a chubby little thing, with wings that looked slightly too big for her body. Locks of two-tone blue mane hung down in front of her eyes like a curtain, and a matching tail was wrapped around herself like a blanket. A hoof was in her mouth, and she appeared to be sucking on it contentedly as she snoozed.

To the right was a picture of her sibling. A white unicorn filly glared up at the three of us, her pink eyes filled with curiosity and suspicion, like she was unsure what the pony taking the picture was doing. She was noticeably smaller than her sister, almost runt-size in comparison. A puffy pink mane hung about her head, accented with a thick stripe of purple.

“Is… is that…?” Twilight breathed.

“These are your nieces, Twilight,” Cadance said softly, touching the picture of the pink pegasus. “This is Aurora Skies.” She moved her hoof to the white unicorn next. “And this little bundle of attitude is Gleaming Shield. I delivered a few days after the whole Discord fiasco down here in Canterlot. Aurora first, with Gleaming a few minutes later.”

“Gleaming Shield?” Twilight studied the unicorn for a moment before laughing. “That was our great-grandmother’s name.”

Cadance giggled in turn. “I know. Shining was the one who named her.”

As the two of them tittered to each other, I went back to studying the two pictures. The two little fillies, each one bearing the clear signs of baby fat, as well as the distinct innocence that all newborns had. They weren’t even mine, yet I had the urge to pick them up and hold them and protect them from the world. As I continued to eye the pictures, one thought crossed my mind.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad being a parent after all.