Author's Note
This was a gut punch to my feels. I wept throughout writing this. Fair warning to you guys: Get tissues. Just get tissues.
This was so emotional for me. I hope it touches you or moves you all in some way.
Thank you for reading.
The Letter
“In youth we learn, in age we understand.” -Marie Von Ebner Eschenbach
Shining Armor looked out from the balcony of the Crystal Empire. The kingdom he oversaw with his wife was shining as much as the backlit alabaster of his white coat. It was an average day in the kingdom. His wife, Cadence, was newly pregnant with his child, and was asleep in their bedroom. He took a deep breath in, and let it out, enjoying the fresh air, before going inside the castle.
As he was walking the hallways to go and get breakfast for himself and perhaps his wife, a guard stopped him.
“A letter for you, your highness.” He said.
“Thank you.” He nodded.
He looked to the address on the letter and found it to be from his mother. How curious. He didn’t maintain much contact with his parents outside of holidays, and he’d shared the news of Cadence’s pregnancy over a month ago. The contents of it were a mystery that tantalized him. He momentarily forgot his hunger and instead made a detour to his bedroom to open the letter. He sat down at the desk in his and Cadence’s bedroom, and unfolded the letter, beginning to read.
Dear Shiny,
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write. I’ve spent years telling stories to ponies, but in all my years of being your mother, I haven’t ever had the courage to tell you this one. But now that you and Cadence are expecting, I feel it’s one you need to hear. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be there to tell it to you in person. But this is a story you need to hear. It’s my story, and it’s yours too.
Curiosity sufficiently piqued, he read on.
They say the truth will set you free. I hope by telling you this that I no longer have to carry this burden. In my experience, getting something off of your chest has been empowering, but I haven’t told you this story because I was afraid that though I would be released from my burden, you would now carry it. But now, I don’t think it would be something you would be burdened with. Instead, I hope it gives you greater understanding about who you came from, and how you came to be.
Your father and I meeting is the story you’ve been told a million times. You’ve seen pictures of our wedding. You know the songs we danced to, the vows we wrote, and the clothes we wore. But I haven’t told you the story of what happened in between that wedding and your birth, and it’s time you hear it.
After your father and I came home from our honeymoon, we were looking to buy a home together. Eventually, we settled on the house you grew up in. But it didn’t always look as it does now. Back then, it was a fixer-upper. Your father was able to afford to make it habitable for us. But back then only the master bedroom and bathroom were really finished. We got the kitchen done first, but the rest of the house was still under construction, so there was a lot of noise going on at all hours, and I really wasn’t sleeping well.
You know now from your time at home that when I don’t sleep, I get nauseous. So when I kept getting sick, I honestly thought that was the case. Your father was concerned, and he asked me to see a doctor. So, to oblige him, I did. I saw my physican Doctor Caduceus at Canterlot hospital.
“Well, Mrs. Velvet, what seems to be the problem?” Doctor Caduceus asked, coming in.
“Hello, doctor. My husband is worried about me. I’ve been getting sick constantly at home. I always get nauseous when I don’t get enough sleep, and there’s been construction going on at all hours of the day and night at our home. I tried to tell him that, but he wouldn’t listen to me.”
“I see. Well, we’d best have a look anyways. Don’t want your husband to think we weren’t thorough, eh?”
“Indeed.” Velvet nodded.
So, Doctor Caduceus did a check up on me, and did some lab work. He told me to come back in a week and have it checked out. I said okay, and went home. By that point, the kitchen had been finished, and I’d gone grocery shopping. But I ate the strangest combinations of food for snacks. Ice cream with hot sauce and cucumbers, Carrots with brownies and tomato- you name the odd food combination, I was putting it together. Your father was utterly disgusted by that, and so oftentimes I ate alone, barring the three meals we always ate together. I couldn’t even get him to prepare me a snack most times because it disgusted him so.
My nausea continued, and finally, it was time to see the doctor.
“Well Mrs. Velvet, I have the lab results, and I’m happy to report there’s nothing serious in your bloodwork.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. I told Night Light he was being ridiculous.” She smiled.
“Mrs. Velvet.” He said, more seriously.
The way his tone changed raised a red flag for me. Instantly, I knew something was up.
“What is it? You said there was nothing serious in my bloodwork, right?”
“I did. You have no disease of any kind, your white and red blood cell counts are normal, and your perfectly healthy.”
“Then why the change in tone?"
“Mrs. Velvet, I have to offer you my congratulations. You’re pregnant.” He smiled.
I could have sworn my jaw hit the floor. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect him to say that. Your father and I had always planned on having children, of course. But we were newlyweds. The house was still under construction, we were still getting used to living together, so we just weren’t ready for a baby.
But when I found out the baby was coming, It was like everything changed inside of me. The nausea and odd food combinations suddenly made sense. And me… I wasn’t just a mare anymore. I was an expectant mother. My entire worldview shifted in two seconds because suddenly, it wasn’t just me I had to think about. It was the baby inside of me.
I was wracking my brain trying to think of how to tell your father. I wanted it to be special. So, I sent the construction workers home for the night, and made him dinner. Baby Carrots, Baby Spinach, Baby Corn, and Baby Cauliflower.
When your father came home, I had dinner under serving trays, and was wearing a gown.
“Well this is a pleasant surprise.” Night Light grinned, setting down his briefcase from work. “Where are the workers?”
“I sent them home for the night. I wanted us to have a night that was just for the two of us.” She smiled.
“Really?” His grin was sly. “And that warranted you wearing a gown fit for the Grand Galloping Gala?”
“Can’t a wife want to look beautiful for her husband?” She smiled, and kissed him.
“She can. But she always does.” He smiled.
“Well, I hope you’re hungry.” She said. “I made us a special dinner. I was wondering If you might be able to guess the theme.”
“Oh? Did you get another idea for a novel already?”
“Don’t be silly, darling. I’m just feeling playful. Humor me.” She smiled.
“Alright, I think I can manage that.” Night Light said, and sat down.
Velvet used her magic to lift the tray covers, and revealed the food on their plates.
“Well everything looks delicious, Sweetheart.” He smiled.
“Thank you.” She smiled.
“And I love the colors."
“Good.” She smiled, as he began to eat. “Have any guesses about the theme?”
“Hmmm…” He swallowed. “Well, it’s all grown on the farms outside of Canterlot. A farm theme?”
“No, try again.”
“My brain isn’t too spry at the moment considering my head is still spinning with the numbers I’ve been crunching.” He admitted.
“Well let me give you a hint. What do all of these vegetables have in common?”
“Let’s see… Baby corn, Baby spinach, Baby-“
Your father’s eyes got so big I could have sworn they were spotlights.
“Honey, Are you…?”
“Yeah, I am.” She smiled.
“We’re having a baby?” He asked.
Velvet nodded.
For a second, your father’s stare was blank, but then he rushed over to me and spun me around in his arms like he was the luckiest Stallion alive. We were pregnant.
From that point on, everything was different. Your father started working double shifts at work to try and make extra money for the baby, and to get the construction done more quickly. How he managed to get the construction done in three weeks I have no idea. He did, however, insist on putting me up in a hotel so I wouldn’t breathe in any bad fumes from the construction. But when it was done, it was like a completely different house. The only way I knew it was the same one was because the master bedroom hadn’t changed.
Your father worked double shifts during the days, and I started decorating a nursery. I painted the walls yellow and made a border for it myself. Your father went with me on a rare day off and we picked out all of the furniture. He insisted on putting it all together himself. He said that this room was going to be special because it was made only by the two of us.
You might have thought that with all the time your father was spending at work that I might have felt alone. But you’d be wrong. I knew I wasn’t alone. I always had my baby with me, and I felt like there was nothing that would have been better than that. I spent my days writing, or figuring out new decorations to put in the nursery. I even made a few myself.
My cravings were still there as the months went on, and my nausea slowly abated. But the one thing I really remember was when the baby kicked for the first time when I was five months along.
Velvet sat with her husband in his office. He had come home from work early, deciding that he wanted to the paperwork for a certain account at home. Velvet had sat in an armchair in that office as he worked, rubbing her growing stomach like a lucky charm that would keep her from getting sick. She still felt a little queasy after meal times. She had been in the middle of reading when she felt the strangest sensation in her stomach. At first she thought that maybe it was just gas or her stomach acting up again, so she went back to reading her book, but when it happened again, she stopped and felt irrationally annoyed. How was she supposed to concentrate on her baby if this kept up?
Wait... The baby... That was it!
She gasped, and Night Light immediately looked up from his work. “Honey? Are you okay?”
But I was so shocked I couldn’t move. But your father certainly could.
Night Light scrambled up from his chair and went to his wife. “Honey, what is it? What’s going on?”
Wordlessly, She put his hoof to her stomach.
“I don’t understand, what-“ He stopped, and his eyes went wide. “Is it…?”
She turned to him, eyes tearful. “It’s moving. Our foal is moving.” She smiled.
Night Light looked up at her, grinning, and kissed her.
As time went by, the foal began to move more, and I cherished that. Every movement, every tiny kick. It was a gift. I loved it. I couldn’t wait to meet my baby. It was so exciting, to think that your father and I loved each other enough that this beautiful gift came to us.
About a week before the baby was due, my water broke. Your father was at work, and I had to get him so that I could get to the hospital. Thankfully, his work was close by. He took me to the hospital, and I sat in a wheelchair while he filled out the forms. He’s always been good with paperwork. The nurse wheeled me to a room, and I was barely conscious of it at all. The pain was so great and so intense that I thought I would pass out or die.
I was in such pain that I didn’t notice nurses around me, doctors coming in and out, or even your father being there and holding my hoof. It was absolute agony. Maybe, if I’d been more aware of my surroundings, I would have noticed those worried glances they were giving each other. I don’t think I took it in consciously, but when I look back on it now, I can see those frowns, or nervous looks.
And then, it came time to push.
“Push!” The doctor ordered.
Velvet let out a screech, pushing with all of her might and breathing heavily afterward. Night Light was next to her, holding her hoof, and telling her what a great job she was doing. She screeched as she pushed again with all her might, but heard a noise that was odd. It was a sucking noise, and she tried to move her head.
“What are you doing?” She asked, but her head wouldn’t stay up because she was so weakened.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Velvet, but the baby is gone.”
In that moment, my world stopped.
“W-What? It can’t be dead! What are you talking about? I can feel it moving!”
“It’s called phantom fetal movement, Ma’am. Your body is remembering what the baby kicking felt like.”
I think I was both in too much pain and also too much shock for those words to sink in right away. I kept thinking that I was asleep and this was all a terrible nightmare that I’d wake up from any moment. I kept telling myself to wake up, but I couldn’t.
The doctor told me to push again, and I did. This odd pressure was released, and I felt the pain slowly cease. I don’t think what he’d said finally sank in until I saw the doctors holding the baby, but the baby never cried or moved.
When that reality sank in, the most crippling emotional pain I have ever felt, and likely ever will feel again came with it. I was sobbing and crying harder than I ever had in my life. I just remember saying “I want my baby!” Over and over. I could feel your father next to me, and I knew that he was crying even though I never looked at him. I didn’t think I could bear it.
After a little while, the nurses cleaned the baby up and asked if I wanted to hold her. Of course I did.
It was a filly. She was so beautiful, I almost wanted to cry. Her hair was the same color as your father’s, and her coat was the same as mine. They wrapped her in a pink receiving blanket. The hospital had a few receiving blankets in storage, and they brought one out for us because I hadn’t had time to get one when I went into labor at home. I spent so long studying her face. Every feature she had, I wanted to remember. I let your father hold her a while, too. That was when I finally got up the courage to look at him, and he looked as broken as I’d ever seen him.
We cried together and held each other for a long time. When we could finally talk again, we both agreed that we should give her a name. We’d had names picked out previously, but they didn’t seem to fit anymore. We talked for a while, and eventually decided on Sunrise Glint. We picked that name because she was the sun rising on the start of our family adventures, and Glint because she would always be a bright spot in our lives. We loved her, and we adored her, despite everything that happened.
I was released from the hospital a few days later. In my days in bed, I just remember how much my arms hurt. They call that “aching arms” because mother’s long to hold their babies in them, and their arms know they aren’t supposed to be empty. When I finally got out, your father and I held a funeral for her. We had some friends who knew about our pregnancy, and we told them about our loss and invited them to the funeral, but the turn out was greater than we could have imagined.
We invited around ten ponies other than your grandparents, and forty ponies came to the funeral. Our friends, their families, and some of the doctors and nurses from the hospital. It was more than we could have ever anticipated. It really made us feel that this baby mattered to more ponies than just us. It gave us this sense of being wrapped in love. It was that love that carried us through the months ahead.
We weren’t sure what to do with the nursery. Your father suggested we keep it for my next pregnancy but I was against it. Everything that went into the creation of that nursery was so personal and I didn’t want to just use it again. I was afraid of replacing Sunrise if we used it again. So, we compromised and kept the major furniture staples- The rocking chair, crib, changing table, and dresser, but we agreed to remake it for the next time in every other aspect.
The next time would be two years later, when I was pregnant with you.
I was so nervous and scared when I found out you were coming. Not because I didn’t want you- nothing like that. But I was afraid that I wouldn’t be strong enough to carry you, and you would die too. But the second I found out you were coming, I was in love with you. I was much more careful in my pregnancy that time. I took every prenatal vitamin I needed, I exercised lightly in the beginning, I ate more healthy than I ever had, and I put myself on bedrest toward the last few months. Still, you came early. But this time, you made it.
I didn’t get to hold you right away. You were a few weeks premature and they wanted you in an incubator. I wasn’t allowed to touch you for a few days, or nurse you like I wanted to. But the fact that you were alive made up for so much. It didn’t matter that my arms ached, or that I was exhausted, or that I couldn’t hold you right away. You were alive. And that’s all I ever needed to know. I watched you struggle to survive those first days and weeks in the hospital, and even a few times after you came home there were problems.
You had an infection once, after you came home, and I had to put tubes in you to help you breathe. When you were a baby and you had nightmares you’d shake so hard the crib would shake, and when that happened with the tubes, I thought you’d taken your tubes out. You didn’t, thankfully, but you gave me quite a scare.
Once I got you to a check up and you were completely healthy and on track with your development, I could finally breathe again. And when you had your first birthday, I knew you would be fine.
But that didn’t stop my anxiety or sadness. I had so many moments when you were growing up that made me wonder what your sister would have been like if She’d lived. And I worried and fretted over you as much as I doted on you. I was so overprotective of you, looking back on it. I was so afraid that you would get hurt that I must have been almost suffocating. You gave me a heart attack when you told me you were going to be a Royal Guard. But I let you go, because in the end, that’s what love is.
I have always loved you, Shiny. Of all the things I've done wrong, or have regretted in my life, You and your sister have never been one of them. And every decision I have made in my life, I've tried to make to not just better myself, but better the two of you. You've always been the greatest gifts I have ever gotten. I cherish you both more than anything, and I can’t believe you’re about to have a baby of your own.
It goes by so fast, Shiny. You’ll learn this in time. One minute your baby depends on you for everything, and the next they’re grown and starting a family of their own. The one thing you will never be able to reconcile to yourself is the idea that there is not enough time in this world. You will miss the baby years so much sooner than you think with your foal, because despite the exhaustion and the lack of sleep, the constant messiness, and the frustration, it will be one of if not he best times of your life. Cherish every second with that little one, starting now.
You will make mistakes on this journey. Celestia only knows I made my share with you and Twily. One of them was not telling you this story sooner. But I guess I can be forgiven for my mistakes. I was young and stupid. I thought I was protecting you from more pain, when really I was keeping a piece of your history from you all these years. It was selfish, I know. I rationalized not telling you this story because I didn’t want to have to remember it. But some memories are so painful they leave a permanent mark on who you are, and this was one of those memories.
But her memory has influenced how you were brought up, and that’s something I shouldn’t have kept to myself. Her name, Sunrise Glint, helped to inspire your name. Another word for Glint? Shine. If you were born a filly, you would have been named Dusk Shine, but as you turned out a Colt, we called you Shining Armor- because that’s what you were. A knight in shining armor saving me from myself. Sometimes I see little glimmers of who she might have been when I look at you. I see it in your smile, in the joy in your eyes, but mostly, I see it in the way you protect your sister, and I always think that It might have been the other way around if things would have been different. She would have been protecting you.
At the end of our lives, our stories are told by those who knew us and loved us. Her story is a part of yours. I loved her, and I love you. And I hope that someday, when I’m gone, you will tell her story and keep her memory alive long after I am gone. We aren’t on this planet very long in the eyes of father time, so for the time we are on it, we should make it impactful. We need to tell these stories, and pass along the memories of those we care about and those we have lost, so that hopefully, the next generation will learn from them.
I love you, Shining. I have always treasured you and the bond we share. You were my rainbow baby- the miracle child that came after the death of another. You have always been an integral part of me, and it was out of selfishness that I kept this story from you then, but it is out of love that I am telling you it now. I thought then that I was protecting you. To some degree I still do.
There is nothing stronger than the need to protect your child. You will soon see this for yourself. But the only thing that can match it is the love you have for them. There will never be anything more powerful in any universe as my love for you, and your sisters. I hope that someday, you will understand this in better circumstances than I was in. I would never wish that pain upon anypony, and If I could shield you from it somehow, I would.
I can only hope that in telling you this story, I can give you a better understanding of why I have made the choices I have for you, and how you came to be. With your child coming into the world, that’s likely one of the best things I could do. And though It might have hurt, I hope you know it was done with love and the best of intentions.
I love you, Shining. And you will always be my baby, no matter how big you get. I hope that you can learn from my mistakes and be a better parent to your child than I was to you. For your child, I hope that comes to be. I love you more than anything. I hope you know that. No matter how far away you are, you are always with me in my heart.
Love,
Mom
Shining was weeping by the end, putting his head on the desk, and sobbing into his hooves. Cadence, awakened by his tears, came up to him. Her still sleep-addled mind was having a hard time comprehending what was going on, but her husband’s obvious distress made it clear he needed somepony.
Cadence wrapped her hooves around him, and he wept into her shoulder. She tried asking him several times what had happened, but he was sobbing too hard to answer her. The fact that he couldn’t communicate was a sign to Cadence that this wasn’t over something silly, it was serious.
It took a long time for Shining to calm down. But when he did, he managed to choke out a sentence.
“I need to go see my Mom today.” He said.
“Alright. I’ll take care of everything, don’t worry about it.” She promised. She didn’t ask about the multi-page letter sitting neatly on the desk. She knew instinctively that it was the root cause of this, but she knew he’d tell her when he was ready to. Shining wasted no time packing up his bag of whatever he might need, and rushed to catch the train to Canterlot.
The train ride was long and, frankly, irritating. All he wanted was to give his mother a hug, but the train was going so slowly that it felt like an eternity before it pulled into the station. He wasted no time after that. As soon as he got onto the station platform, he teleported straight to his parents’ home. He banged on the door, uncharacteristically frantic, and anxiously waited on the doorstep.
It was still fairly early in the morning, so he worried that perhaps his Mother wasn’t awake yet or maybe even out of the house getting coffee for his father. But the door opened, and his mother stood there.
Shining didn’t even hesitate. He wrapped his arms around her like he was never going to let go and wept into her shoulder. Twilight Velvet didn’t even have to ask what he was so upset about. She knew, and she led him into the house, sitting on the couch with him in her lap, something she hadn’t done since he was maybe eight years old.
He cried for a long time, and she simply held him and rubbed his back the whole time. There were no words that could take the sting out of a blow like this, no sentences that could erase her mistake in keeping this from him all these years. She could only hold him while he cried, and pray that he wouldn’t hold this against her.
When he finally calmed down, he looked up at her. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Sorry for what?” She asked, bewildered.
“I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with this for all these years and you didn’t think you could tell me.”
“Shiny… Sometimes there are some things it’s better to deal with it in private and keep away from your children while they are still vulnerable. I wouldn’t have told you this when you were young, but I definitely should have when you were older. I didn’t, but that was my monumental error in judgment, I hope you can forgive me for it.”
“How could I not forgive you? You only did what you thought was best. You’re the best Mama I could have asked for, and I would never hold that against you.” He promised.
This time, it was Velvet who wept. But her tears were ones of relief. She thought that her son might never be able to forgive her for keeping such an important thing from him, but not only did her forgive her, he still sung her praises after all this time.
Shining snuggled into her. He hadn’t cuddled with his mother in this way in so many years, but considering the circumstances surrounding it, it just felt right. Velvet held onto her son as though he were more precious than every jewel, metal, and bit in Equestria. And to her, he was. When she’d calmed down, and he was calm alongside her, he felt comfortable enough to ask her a question.
“Mom?"
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“You said there was a funeral, right?”
Velvet was confused, but nodded. “I did, and there was.”
“Did you bury her?” He asked.
She nodded. “Yes. Your father and I buried her in a cemetery about a mile from here.”
“Can we visit her? I want to meet her.”
Velvet felt her throat tighten. Whether it be with joy or with sorrow, she could never be sure, but she nodded. “Of course.” She said, and managed to keep her composure.
Shining left his bag in the living room, and he and his mother walked together to the cemetery together. It was a warm spring day, the flowers in bloom, but not too hot to be outside. They didn’t talk as they made their way there to try and fill the silence. This early in the morning, the streets were quiet, devoid of life. Though the flowers were out and the day was warm, the world seemed somber and quiet somehow, as if mourning alongside them.
Finally, they reached the gates of the cemetery. The old wrought iron gate’s black paint was beginning chip and show silver in some spots. For Equestria’s capitol, the gate could use some care compared to the pristine parts of the city. Velvet opened the gate, wincing as it squeaked seemingly loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood, and then she let him inside before going in herself.
It felt like such a long time since she’d walked the path to the gravestone, but she knew it as well as the beat of her heart. Looking at the ground, and the grass occasionally cutting into the path, It looked the same as it did the day Velvet had come to bury her daughter. But it was different now, thanks to her son walking steadily beside her.
They walked a few minutes, turning left to a row of headstones, and walking a few feet more, before they came to one in particular.
It wasn’t a headstone that jutted up from the ground like some did. It wasn’t ornate or huge as some others were. It was simple, and that’s what made it beautiful.
The rectangle of granite was no more than a foot wide. The plaque that was on it was black, but edged in gold, and the letters on the plaque were raised, painted in that same gold color. In the quiet, with not a bird sounding, they read the headstone simultaneously.
Sunrise Glint
1991
The stone was well maintained. Some of them looked as though they were falling apart, but this one had obviously been given a lot of love and care. The stone wasn’t cracked or worn, the plaque was kept polished, and no signs of age could be seen. It brought forth a question for Shining.
“Mom?” He asked, wincing at how even that whisper intruded on the silence.
“Yes, baby?”
“Does Dad still come here?”
“Yes. He polishes the headstone every week. On Friday, before he gets home from work.” She said.
“How long has he been doing that?”
“Ever since it was put in.”
His eyes widened. “Even when I was growing up?”
“Even then.” She nodded.
“Do you come here often?”
“Two or three times per week since your sister moved out, at least. Sometimes more if I’m having a slow week.”
He nodded his understanding. Mostly, in this moment, he was dumbstruck. Here was this pony that was somehow a part of his life all these years without him ever knowing about it. It was a feeling he couldn’t explain or describe. Mostly, he felt an odd combination of meeting a stranger, and yet having something within him click into place.
“Do you want to talk to her?” Velvet asked.
“I… I’m not sure what to say.”
“Sometimes talking doesn’t mean using your lips. Sometimes it just means feeling what’s in your heart.”
He nodded. In the quiet, he let his feelings run free. Everything he felt, everything he wanted to say, he let go. All that ever came out of his mouth was a breath of air, until, touching his hoof to the headstone, he whispered,
“Hi big sister. I’m your brother, and I wish I could have met you.”
Somewhere above them, the wind whistled in the air, and the warmth of the sun almost made it seem like a hug from a loving sibling trying to say, “I love you.”
