Author's Note
This was unexpected and very sad.
Today is weird.
Blame onions if you cry here and someone asks why.
Enjoy.
Delerium
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Sweep the mind clutter away
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Clear your mind today
She sat in the rocking chair, rocking back and forth. Day in, day out. No sound, no voices, just rocking.
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Sweep the mind clutter away
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Clear your mind today
She hummed the little tune of her own invention, rocking and humming. The rocking chair was by the window and she could see that it was cold out. How odd. Time didn’t really seem to matter much in here. With these same walls and same routine.
Wake up at five AM, have breakfast, take medications, free time, nap, lunch, medications, free time, dinner, medications, free time, medications, bedtime.
Every day, every month, every year.
But She, in her condition, could not understand such mundanities. She, as it was, was barely in touch with reality. The only constants were the rocker, the bed in the room, the song in her mind, and the mare in the corner.
Her meals came in here now. They didn’t bother with making her come to the cafeteria like the others. She wouldn’t leave the chair. She wasn’t strong as she might have been in her youth. The mare in the corner was the only one who stayed. She was quiet. She never spoke. Even when she was speaking to the mare, she never spoke. She just watched. That was fine with her. She didn’t need voices tying up her thoughts.
Silvery hair, straight as an arrow and thin as a wisp, went down the side of her neck. Sometimes it tickled her. Other times, it stayed. She didn’t fuss with it much. Never had. She wasn’t aware enough at this point, to do that.
Her mind conjured vivid fantasies every day. Her, and her friends, all young as they had once been, going on adventures. She couldn’t communicate sometimes, with them. She recalled- or at least thought she could- the Stallions in white calling that “Word Salad”. Sometimes, here and there, she’d be lucid enough to know that. She’d pick up on words exchanged between others like “Receptive Aphasia” or “Lucidity” or “Circumlocution” on occasion. In another lifetime, she might have understood what they meant. But most days, she was stuck there in that bright world of youth.
The Stallions in white came in every day. They poked at her or prodded her or looked deep into her eyes as though they might find something. And every day, their hopeful smiles at the beginning, would turn to frowns in the end. Sometimes Mares in white uniforms would come beside them, but they usually stayed away unless it was time for medication. As long as they didn’t make noise, they were fine.
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Sweep the mind clutter away
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Clear your mind today
She had words in her head. They didn’t seem to understand that. She just couldn’t get them out of her head. But so much of the time, she had a lot of them. They just didn’t know it. She used to be able to get lots of words out of her head. But not anymore. She couldn’t remember what that was like, if she’d wanted to, that was.
Today the mare sat in the chair earlier than usual. She sat in the chair, quiet as per usual. She rocked on, not acknowledging her.
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Sweep the mind clutter away
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Clear your mind today
The little song in her head seemed to be sung by her friends. She rocked and hummed alongside them. Five voices, harmonizing with her own mental song. It was comforting. She did not realize that those five voices no longer existed.
Suddenly, a noise. Walking down the hall from her room. But they weren’t coming into her room. Were they? The steps came into her room, the same way as they once had long ago when the feet that made them were tiny.
“Any change?” A deep voice called.
She stopped rocking in irritation, and tried to tell whomever it was to leave. But all that came out was gibberish.
Suddenly, the mare in the corner spoke. A rare thing if there ever was one. It stunned her into quiet.
“No change, Uncle Spike.”
A sigh that sounded guttural. “I was afraid of that.”
Quiet came for a moment, and she almost started rocking again, before the deep voice spoke again.
“You know you don’t have to stay here, right?”
“I know. But she’s Daddy’s sister, and Mom’s sister-in-law. What can I do? She’s my auntie. She took care of me as much as Mom and Daddy did. Now it’s my turn.”
“Are you sure you can’t go for a little while to come and eat?”
“No, thanks. I want to stay.”
“Alright. I’ll be around if you ever need me.”
“I know.”
For a second, there was quiet again. Then, a subtle vibration of the floor as the deep voice came closer. They were apparently very heavy.
“I miss you, Twilight.” It said.
She didn’t respond, not knowing how to or even what the word meant.
Deep voice stayed a few minutes, just looking at her. She looked up at him for a time, wanting to see how high up the voice was. Pretty high, actually. But his green eyes locked into hers and for a moment, the disconnect was gone.
“Spike?” It was the first non-word salad she’d said in months.
“Twilight? Is that you?” He asked, looking down at her.
She felt panicked. A rare moment of lucidity had sparked, and she tried desperately to get the words out of her head that she needed to, but they just weren’t coming out. He looked sad. She reached for him, patting his claw.
“Thanks, Twilight.”
But then, the disconnect was back. The rocking resumed, and so did the humming. Spike sighed in his defeat, wishing he could have known what she wanted to say. But he didn’t disturb her again. Instead, he walked out of the room, as she hummed hauntingly behind him.
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Sweep the mind clutter away
Rock, Rock,
Clear, Clear
Clear your mind today…
