Life and Times of a Deer

by The Bricklayer

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Science Fiction, Comedy
Length: 2119

So what if you're now a deer? It's not like your whole world's ended. Fact is, might just be a chance for a new beginning...

A park ranger reflects. Here is his story in basic. It's not like your whole world's ended. Fact is, might just be a chance for a new beginning.

A story depicting the Bureau in a more optimistic if not somewhat snarky light. No Xenophobia, none of humanity or Equestria acting like they usually do. And absolutely NO invasions of the Body Snatchers but with ponies.

Inspired by the works of Alex Warhorn and Godzillawolf.

Published 2019-08-04 23:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-04 23:50:02 UTC

Deery Me!

For the record, this was never a planned moment in Transcendent Forest’s life. Then again, nobody could have actually ever planned for a foreign nation to just suddenly appear in the ocean and start enveloping the world. Not on purpose, mind you. It just sorta… happened. You know, as you do.

Of course, there was the usual global panic, and in some respects, Transcendent mused humans and ponies weren’t all that different in any regard. Both were natural herd animals, and so that made the transition easier. A single person was a genius, as they said, but people as a whole were stupid. Of course, it began with the rioting that Invasion of the Body Snatchers was going on in real-time, but with miniature candy-colored flossy horses.

And then came the anti-pony groups, the ones who said changing into another species was against nature or God’s whims. Well, when the world died due to enough radiation to give Godzilla a heart attack ala Destroyah, well… Forest wouldn’t be mourning. The world had enough stupid as it was. He personally was just going to roll with the changes, as the old song went. That was fine. So, he went down to one of the centers in this little place called Jackson Hole and filled out the paperwork, as you do, and there you have it. He was now a deer.

That was cool with him, it offered some interesting opportunities. He was after all a Park Ranger, and this now meant he could actually talk with the animals and understand their woes. Win-win for all around, right? I mean, what’s wrong with being a deer? Apparently a lot, if you talked to some people like the Human Liberation Front. If you ever asked him, he would call them terrorists. Heroes did not firebomb schools now filled with young foals and fillies. They were no better than the KKK in his eyes.

And what you didn’t hear in the news was Celestia and Luna opening up the Royal Coffers, all to offer up potions to help humankind. No hidden agendas, nothing like the conspiracy theorists propagated. If anything, that was the stuff that you read about in tabloids. Which Forest knew took a special kind of stupid to read and believe.

Mind you, he did sorta have a sneaking suspicion that a certain draconequus -with a voice that sounded frighteningly similar to John DeLancie- enjoyed tabloids. He ate them up, literally I mean. It was hard not to get this impression when the guy was talking with Jimmy Fallon and barbecuing the stuff. So for the most part, it seemed Equestria was taking to Earth’s culture rather well, and the most heat Celestia got was being a bit too loose when it came to the money spent on saving it.

This was not to say it didn’t come with some drawbacks. Being a deer now meant you could get mauled by a bear for lunch or infected with Wasting Disease. But baby steps, everyone was still figuring things out as they came. Plus, there were a few more… unusual problems that liked to present themselves. I mean when some of the other nations got wind of Earth’s cultures well… there were a few teething troubles here and there. And the less said about the Yak, the better.

Forest did head about a friend of his getting a potion to turn himself into one, said something about getting on back to nature. Whatever that meant. Forest decided it was better off not knowing.

For now, he’d just enjoy things as they were. He was in Yellowstone Park, with his dream job and life went on as it always had been. Old Faithful still erupted, animals still humped in the undergrowth and there was that always present risk that a supervolcano would erupt and end all life as he knew it. Ah, fun times. He’d be in his cabin, probably building his boat and watching old Sam Elliot movies when that happened.

Forest really wasn’t a people person… or would that be pony pony now? Agh, no matter, you sorta got a general idea. He preferred the peace and quiet Yellowstone offered, and in some respects, he supposed becoming a deer was absolutely the perfect choice. He had a nephew who decided to become a gazelle, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. But a deer held a certain… majesty about them. I mean, why else were they often associated with elves in fiction? Or why else did Santa Claus decide to use them of all creatures to pull his sleigh?

Perhaps needless to say Transcendent was both surprised and amused when he discovered the Equestrian equivalents were deer themselves.

Now, the Veil. Wasn’t a big ass curtain like the name implied. That was just something snappy someone came up because they thought they were being clever. Or were just lazy. Either or, really. It wasn’t a wall. Firing artillery into it was just dumb. It was basically like firing a rocket at Chernobyl in hopes that the radiation would just ‘go away’. Forest knew there were some idiots who still thought dropping a nuke on it would deal with a whole lot of problems and not have long-lasting repercussions aside from causing a diplomatic nightmare.

Actually, Celestia seemed to be fairly understanding about the whole issue, even after some sniper tried to take a potshot at her students. She knew humanity would react in fear. In fact, after a certain Sunset Shimmer had accompanied her to the United Nations, she said she had actually been afraid of what ponykind would do when they met their first human. Huh, imagine that. Seemed the fear was mutual on both sides in those early days.

Now, I said Forest wasn’t a sociable type, but that didn’t mean he didn’t read the news. Actually, he was starting to get out more these days. Helped his best friend was now a pegasus meaning it was a lot easier for them to meet up now. Actually, a lot of the park rangers were now pegasi. Made it easier to patrol the park now. Might also, of course, have been down to the fact that a certain Rainbow Dash appeared on live TV and wowed everyone.

Now, back to being a deer. Forest had gained a newfound respect for the species after becoming one himself. He’d always known you should respect the deer, he wasn’t an idiot after all. But becoming a herd animal had increased the flight part of his flight instincts, and when a bear had charged after him a few weeks back? Everything changed. Running at 30 miles per hour with a top predator nipping at your heels definitely gave you a newfound respect for nature. And that wasn’t even getting into what happened when hooves met flesh. 110-150 pounds being slammed into a bear’s face? Yeah, it got off lucky. Forest hated to imagine what a deer like him could do to a hunter. And he hoped he never had to find out. It was like the crack of a whip, the speed. Far faster than a horse could ever hope to even imagine.

Now, he had one job as a park ranger. He knew better than most people Mother Nature could be terrifying in her splendor, and it was his job to protect both nature from people and the people from it. He’d never seen a bear maul a guy, nor did he ever want to. But when you had horns that could gore something, even something as big as a grizzly you felt more confident going out in the woodlands.

Another good reason to choose a deer as your new species of choice really. You didn’t mess with the deer. Forest had heard they had their own kind of magic back in Equestria, and that was an interesting enough prospect. He’d like to try and figure that out one day. But for now, he was just doing what life did, adapting. Humans were funny like that, he supposed. Despite all the bad things you could say about them when presented with a challenge they overcame it. Now Forest had no ideas about abandoning Earth just because some strange new energy that was sadly fatal to humans was about. He had been born here, he had every intention of dying here and maybe he would raise some kids here if he got lucky.

It was where his family was, and if he had to become a habitual nudist and lose a few fingers in the bargain, so what about it? It was frustrating at times, admittedly. Forest still had to prove he was still him just to keep from getting slammed with his own inheritance tax. Well, it seemed no matter what lawyers never really changed.

Funny that, really.

Okay, yes aside from his flight instincts becoming more predominant, some of his other instincts had changed as well. Now, he wasn’t going all brainwashed and worshipping some winged unicorn with a sun on her butt like a tattoo as certain idiots would have implied. No, he just found himself attracted to more equinish things. Like grazing, and rutting. Dear lord, that one was a scary prospect, but he’d learn to figure it out in time. He hadn’t survived 40 odd years on God’s good earth without figuring a few things out.

Actually, on religion, would you believe some ponies and other Equestrian species were converting? He knew some had gotten in debates with others over the various creation myths. And he knew at least one pony who had decided to become a part of Hinduism. That one would really throw the paranoids for a loop, Forest would imagine if they ever knew.

Okay, so maybe becoming a deer had some drawbacks, Forest would be the first to admit. Aside from becoming prey, he couldn’t work the hand saws and such as well anymore. That was disappointing. He’d have to look into one of those schools for the hooved that were quickly becoming a popular item. But any new thing would always have some negatives to go along with the positives.

Forest certainly wasn’t complaining. If this new life saved him, well then that was fine by him.

Mind you, he did like the new name. His old name was Steve, for the record. Quite hideously common. There were five Steves working in his area alone. Got quite confusing at times. He supposed even if the names sounded all fairy tale-like, it made some things easier. Least now when everyone said his name, they knew who they were talking about. Oh yeah, changing his name was definitely the right call. Some may have balked, yes, but who did he care? He had bigger issues to worry about than those who thought he was giving up everything that had once made him human. Did he forget to mention the dragons? Oh yeah, those were a new issue. Certainly made forest fires more of a risk nowadays, really.

Again, another change he had to adapt to really. But the dragons tried not to burn the whole national park to a crisp at any rate. He was fairly certain this Dragon Lord Lady or whatever really hated it when she got complaints about her kin burning down a whole timberland. Mind you, they made up for it when an actual wildfire broke out. Far easier to create controlled burns now. It was sheer irony really, fire breathing creatures now being a part of the firefighters. What Forest wouldn’t give to see a fully grown dragon with one of those little helmets in his lifetime.

But yeah, things were definitely changing and sure it was weird at times but a good kind of weird at any rate. It made a great story to tell his grandchildren really, the day the entire Earth went Equine. Would he have his old life back, if given the choice? Forest would have to say no. He was a deer now and sticking to it.

Author's Note

So... Yeah, uh... this is a thing. I quite honestly, have a... dispassion for the Conversion Bureau stories and wanted to depict a more optimistic outcome instead of outright Xenophobia. Honestly, it amazes me the kinds of people who write those stories. Let's be honest, who are you really fooling? Ponies are no different than humans, and Equestria isn't perfect like you think it is.

But enough of my rambling, I just wanted to tell a little tale. Maybe a bit strange, even for me, but I liked the challenge. So, what do you think? That's the really important question now..