But the satisfaction won't come
Author's Note
It’s a story based upon real events, some recent and some not so recent. I love you.
Title inspired by:
But the satisfaction won't come
Feeling Uninspired, I Think I'll Start a Fire
A Story by FireRain
''I just don’t care anymore.'' ~ Yours truly.
*** *** ***
When the going gets tough, everything is perceived as hopeless and unfulfilling. Happiness is but a distant memory, so meaningless and glass-like, and, much like glass, once it becomes shattered, it’s impossible to fit it back together again, even with endless amounts of glue. And if it was possible to piece it back together again, the snaking cracks will still remain. It’ll never be whole again.
The sun will never shine at your side again, humour makes your insides churn and feel like your innards have been smothered in pitch and ignited, smiles are hard to make genuine and remembering what it feels like to feel becomes a dull, consistent numbness. Literally all emotions that make you yourself become drowned out and non-existent.
When you sink this low, you become desperate and willing to give up anything and everything just to experience emotions once again, even if it’s the tiniest shred. Having this constant and lingering feeling of incurable sickness and nausea becomes too old and all-too-familiar to your mind and your body, and it’s enough of a pain to convince you that this is what normal is, and if it’s in place of where the automated definition of ‘normal’ usually resides, then it must be normal.
It’s hard to even begin to describe what you feel like when you’re this numb to know anything. Sad? Miserable? Dejected? Melancholy? Anything could be accurate at the same time that it’s inaccurate.
Thick curtains were obscuring sunlight from the outside world, shrouding the room in a thick, heavy darkness. Sunlight was the enemy. Darkness was her only friend, the only confidante she trusted. There was the light, warming aroma of gingerbread drifting about the room, a scent left behind from long-since burned-out tea light candles.
The scent of homemade gingerbread was scrumptious and wholesome, a nostalgic and sweet memory from a bygone time in her life. FireRain’s childhood was filled with sweet stuff, more than enough to give a dentist nightmares full of cavities and glowing dentine. It was a happier time with happier memories and happier undertones of things that meant more than most.
FireRain’s unkempt body and un-preened wings were in varying states of disheveled mayhem. She hadn’t bothered to clean either of them or to even have the willpower to get a shower and rinse her woes away. She simply didn’t feel she deserved it. Her mane was no better, messy, greasy and ruffled to all hell. But she didn’t care one bit.
Caring about public appearances when you’re not in public wasn’t a necessity that the pegasus deemed a top priority. She hadn’t been one to care what people think of her looks, but she still made some effort to make herself appear presentable when she left the home. However, that was a rarity these days.
The room was a mess, a nest of destruction, anxiety, broken dreams and broken down faith. Papers upon papers were discarded carelessly all over the laminated wooden floor, rough drafts, excerpts, second takes and concepts. It was a nest of ideas and thought-provoking, mind-entangling mystery, heart-throbbing romance, bittersweet tales and slices of life.
There was not a thing here that hadn’t been weaved by the sorrows of a broken heart, a medley of woe and despair. All in all, it surmised the darker portion of the life of their author, the shadow of a pony that FireRain had been and was.
The room that she was sprawled on the floor in was somewhat of a sanctuary, the only place she had come to trust. It was out of the view of the public and the world and it was tucked away in the corner, but she could simultaneously observe it as the day progressed. From here, she was a spectator, a shadow and an elusive insect.
What was the day, anyway? Was it a Monday or a Tuesday? It could be Sunday morning for all she cared, and all days seemed the same, none no different than the last or the next, and, quite frankly, she had lost count. There was no need for a calendar whilst she was up here, tucked away in her little isolation tank, watching the world go by. She didn’t care enough to care.
FireRain’s whiskey-coloured eyes had creeped open slowly to gaze around her crumpled, mentally-drained body, staring at the magnitudes of paperwork strewn about her being. It was a new novel, the first draft, and it was going to be brilliant, fantastic, even, but her heart no longer wished to finish it. No, it was too tired and numb for that.
It was funny, really. In one second, you can have all the happiness in the world, and the next, you’re lower than a sunken ship. As such with the pegasus, she had known in her heart of hearts what she had always wanted to do, but she had begun to wonder if those were truly her thoughts speaking, or if it was just make-believe conjured up by her troubled, constantly-whirring mind.
Ah, yes, like most ponies, she had real and true dreams, aspirations. She had dreams of trying her hooves at directing, being a puppeteer behind the scenes for pictures on the silver screen, working with the best in the business and making a name for herself. She had also had aspirations of becoming an actor and spending time on the stage, losing herself in the mis en scene and the minds of alternative characters, giving them a voice and a mind to make them seem living, unlike your average pathetic fallacy.
The ice, in a manner of speaking, was broken for her, but she hadn’t taken into account how deep the water was beneath. What had she expected? Smooth sailing, or a riptide that’d drag her off to her death? She didn’t exactly have a straight answer, and who could? That’s fate for you: the biggest unknown. You had an idea of what it might have in store for you, but it was up to you to make the call for how it turns out.
In a way, FireRain didn’t have a clue on what path she wanted to pursue. Finding a way to kill two birds with one stone, or in this case, three birds, wasn’t the easiest puzzle to figure out, and it had left her in a funk. She had studied her options thoroughly, dissected them inside and out, hoping to find the answer to her conundrum, but she came up empty. Every. Time.
There was no way around this hurdle that she could see, and it deepened her rut. Not being able to do anything for long had always stirred a creative roadblock, and it gave way to a painful gnawing against her brain, like a parasite burrowing its way into it and drilling it to the point it caves in. Not doing anything to satisfy the hungry sensation often lead to bouts of intangible inner turmoil and suffering. It had to be satisfied, one way or another.
What do I want to do? What should I do? With others’ expectations of me weighing me down, how can I possibly concentrate and relax? Oh, so much responsibility to take in! What if I let others down if I screw up?
FireRain’s thoughts ran rampant, and it stirred up a deep, foreboding anxiety. Nothing was ever easy, as per the rules of life, but everybody had to find an occupation and steady career inside of said life, and the ones who don’t, well, they mostly always never amount to anything, and that wouldn’t do for her. She had tried before, in episodes of uninspired creative jeopardy, and it felt like she had taken a cattle brand to the heart.
So, just what was she supposed to do? Sit idly by and hope that something comes up and drags her out of this bit of bitter blackness? Wait for a genie to magically conjure up out of a golden lamp and show her the path of righteousness? It wasn’t going to work.
FireRain’s lifeblood was poured into everything she wrote, even the smallest of things, and, in the end, she supposed that it was a desperate plea for help. The problem was never tied to just a lack of satisfaction for her creative drive, but it was also tied into her family life.
She hadn’t spoken to her father for years, nor did she care to seek him out, and it looks like he had the same idea. And her mother, oh-ho, don’t even get her started! She hasn’t seen that walking, talking bacterial infection for over a decade! No, the title of ‘mother’ was a title she didn’t come close to deserving, nor did she have the right to earn it. Both of her parents were selfish, oppressive, self-absorbed curmudgeons with no interest in their daughter’s passions.
Not once could FireRain recall a memory in which either of them told her they loved her. She had convinced herself from the lack of their saying of this that they truly didn’t love nor care about her, and it had drilled into her mental health over the years, the frustrating and hurtful words of petty spite voiced from them towards their daughter that stung viciously. It frustrated FireRain further that they couldn’t understand why she was upset and annoyed by it, and they to this day still see no wrong in their actions, and they refuse to accept responsibility for it.
Needless to say, FireRain hated both of the for it, enough so that she evicted both of them from her life, including the others in her family that shunned her. She had always been alone for the majority of her life, and she had been left to find her own way through the struggle of developing into an adult. Riding it solo seemed normal, and she had opted to lose herself in her own little fantasies in order to escape the horrid life she lived.
FireRain groaned as she lifelessly dragged herself back onto all four of her hooves. Her legs slid against the wooden flooring and scraped against her joints, grinding them. As she pulled herself up, the two-tone orange and darker orange scarf loosely wrapped around her white-furred neck lazily untied itself and flopped onto the floor.
Every single ounce of movement in the mare’s body conjured up a dull, slightly pain-filled ache, the result of fatigued muscles and burned-out nerves. She felt so very tender and fragile, weak to the point where a gust of wind might be enough to cut her in half. A newborn baby had more strength than FireRain had, and it was enough to allow her to know how bad her condition currently was. At this rate, she had no idea how she was clinging onto life.
Force of will, maybe, but her willpower had all but evaporated a long time ago. It was more or less fumes that were driving her cogs and giving her this second wind, and she knew that her time would be up when they ran out. Secretly, in the back of her mind, the darkest corners, she wouldn’t object if she did die.
Really, what more was there to live for in this life? She was entangled in a web of self-pity, angst, spite and misguidance. The only thing that she had ever cared about no longer existed, despite her attempts to make it work, and it ended the day her family disintegrated. She had lost everything.
It’s over. There’s nothing left for me here or anywhere. What’s the point?
FireRain had an idea. She had thought about it for quite a while now, in her lowest and most shallow of moments. Her thoughts turned dark and improper and lead her on a path of self-destruction. When there was nothing to care about, including herself, it didn’t matter to her. She never had the guts to perform self-harming rituals on herself, but it furthered the drive in one of her other dreams - to end it all.
That’s right. The only thing that FireRain wanted was to rid herself of this endless pain. She felt it had gone on for long enough, and she wanted to take a break from it on a permanent basis. This wasn’t worth it.
It wasn’t like she was getting anywhere, anyway. What, was she supposed to continue deluding herself into thinking she’s this fabulous, big shot author that was going to make it some day? Was she going to keep clinging onto that feeling, the most minute glimmer of false hope she had built up as she worked on each potential project?
Looks like it’s not happening, FireRain thought to herself. I can’t keep doing this. But how would I do it? Jump off the top of the building? Fly high in the sky and then close my eyes and clench my wings to my sides and wait to splat on the ground? The good, ol’ fashioned death by hanging? Suffocate myself with a pillow?
She had many ideas on-deck with potential promise, and she had considered the typical slashing with a knife down her hooves, but it was too messy. Too much blood, and she didn’t want to make a mess for whichever poor soul found her.
Twinge!
FireRain’s heart throbbed painfully, a mix of heartbreak and anxiety. All of those years inwardly thinking that plotting suicide was a taboo, such an unforgivable act.
I guess that officially makes me a hypocrite, FireRain thought to herself with a mental sigh. Once I do this, there ain’t no turning back, so I want to get it right and as non-messily as possible. Quick an clean, Fire. Quick and clean…
The mare glanced towards her heavy curtains blocking out the golden rays of the sun and her hoof lifelessly raised to peel one of them back discreetly, enough to peer out. The sun immediately spilled through the slit, and the warmth grazed the mare’s white hoof, the newly-added light illuminating her fur enough to allow her to notice just how dirty it had gotten from her neglect for personal hygiene.
The streets below were quiet, typical for the town of Ponyville. It was a peaceful and homely town, very cosy and welcoming with friendly ponies. Being a homebody, FireRain stuck close to where she grew up, her sentimental value in her home of Cloudsdale an emotional anchor for her.
Living in a peaceful place like this was ideal, and that was the reason that FireRain loved it so much here. Quiet was her friend, and it was the same as her, not having much to say. And perhaps that was a good thing: whenever FireRain had something to say, it was mostly criticism, a solid opinion with no sugar to coat it. She told it how it is, and she had a saying - ‘’Don’t give what you can’t take.’’
Look at them all down there, all so happy and merry. Sometimes, they act a little too happy, especially for my tastes. Then again, they have a right to be happy, especially with Pinkie Pie around. That mare is a whizz when it comes to making a pony smile or giggle!
Hey! Don’t get side-tracked! Remember, you’re trying to end it, dipstick! Stay focused! We’ve spoken about this before; you get distracted too easily, and it needs to stop right now!
FireRain quickly shut the curtain and she thought again about what she was going to do. She kicked around some of the papers on the floor absentmindedly for a while, but then there was a knock on her bedroom door, and she froze.
Oh, no! The outside world! She thought frantically, but her nerves eased when she heard who’s voice it was that called after her.
‘’Fire, are you in there?’’
Pinkie Pie! Wait, how did she—-
‘’Your front door was unlocked, and I was worried about you, so I came by to check on you,’’ She said, voice obviously concerned.
I left the front door unlocked again? Huh, could have sworn I locked it last time I was down there…
‘’Fire? Hel-loooo? Anypony in there?’’ Pinkie asked again, and FireRain’s breath caught in her throat as she thought about responding, trying to find her voice.
‘’Y-Yes, Pinkie, I’m h-here,’’ The pegasus responded finally, surprised by how raspy and dry her voice had become. Her larynx sounded like it had accumulated a thick layer of dust since the last time she had mustered the nerve to breathe a single word or sound.
‘’Oh, phew!’’ The mare on the other side of the door said, and FireRain managed to hear her wiping a hoof across her brow in relief. And she heard…sniffling? ‘’I’m so glad you’re here!’’
‘’Well, I am here, and I have been for the past week,’’ FireRain replied dully.
‘’I mean, you normally come down to the bakery for some tea and a box of cookies everyday, and when I noticed you haven’t been in for a few days, I began to think that something was wrong, and I was really worried about you,’’ Pinkie Pie explained with a hint of sadness to her voice. ‘’Are you okay?’’
No.
‘’Yeah, Pinkie, everything’s fine,’’ FireRain lied, and she instantly felt ashamed for it. She hadn’t lied once in over a decade.
‘’Are you sure?’’ The other mare asked, unconvinced, sensing that something was up. ‘’Because you don’t sound fine. Mind if I come in?’’ She requested, and that made FireRain’s muscles tense up as hard as concrete.
I can’t let her see me like this! Pinkie Pie’ll only worry about me more if she comes in! But she also won’t go away unless I do as she asks me. Maybe the sooner she sees me, the sooner she’ll leave. What choice do I have?
FireRain gave a hefty sigh and she headed towards her bedroom door before unlocking it. She slowly pulled down the handle and pulled the door open, allowing herself to meet face-to-face with Pinkie Pie.
The very second that Pinkie’s baby blue eyes gazed upon her, she gasped and the concern behind her eyes visibly deepened. Pinkie reached out a hoof and gently touched it against FireRain’s cheek, lightly and soothingly caressing it, much like you’d expect a mother to do when dealing with a distraught child.
‘’Aw, Fi-Ri,’’ The mare cooed sympathetically. ‘’I had no idea…’’
‘’Gee, it’s not that bad, is it?’’ FireRain deadpanned.
‘’What happened to you? And what in Equestria happened in here?’’ Pinkie asked in surprise as she oscillated her eyes to view into the bedroom behind her pegasus friend, noticing the amount of clutter and mayhem.
‘’My life. That’s what happened.’’
‘’Fire, come on, what’s the matter? If you want, you can tell me. You know that I won’t tell anypony unless you want me to,’’ Pinkie offered, and it was evidently clear that she was ready and willing to do anything to give her support to a friend that was desperately in need of a friendly ear and a shoulder to lean on.
‘’It’s a long story, and I don’t want to talk about it,’’ FireRain said sullenly. ‘’Pinkie, look, I just want to be alone right now.’’
‘’What? No, no, no, no! Uh-uh! I can’t leave you like this!’’ Pinkie motioned at the pegasus’ sunken, colour-deprived features. ‘’You look horrible! Please, Fire, I won’t be able to sleep at night knowing that I let a good friend like you stay like this! Please?’’
Pinkie’s eyes were now pleading, wide and gleaming. She was just the sweetest little thing, so warm and fuzzy on the inside and outside, openly loving and caring to those around her. A pony with her kind of charisma could persuade others with only her beauty and puppy-like eyes. It warmed FireRain’s cold, tainted heart that she cared this much about her.
‘’Pinkie…’’
‘’And I’m not taking no for an answer, so don’t even think about it!’’ The pink mare added quickly. For the first time, FireRain smiled.
‘’Fine. Buuuut I think I’m going to go and get a shower first. I reek,’’ FireRain said in self-disgust, smelling beneath her armpit. The inside of a Buckball changing room after a long, heated match on a hot sunny day smelled better.
‘’Yeah, you better take care of that,’’ Pinkie recoiled slightly upon finally catching whiff of the B.O. wafting from the pegasus’ body. ‘’And I want that talk first thing after, alright?’’
‘’You’ve got it, Pinkie.’’
*** *** ***
‘’So, what’s on your mind, Fi-Ri? Why haven’t you been to the bakery in a while? And what’s up with the mess in your room? Did you have a party with a bunch of raccoons’’ Pinkie Pie asked FireRain once she had exited the shower.
The water had made her feel lighter, having rinsed away the thin layer of grime and stank that had built up on her pristine white coat, restoring its vibrancy and colour. She once again looked healthy, but she still felt rotten on the inside. However, despite feeling rotten and expired, the shower did make her less drowsy, the hot water rejuvenating and revitalising her skin.
‘’No, no, nothing like that,’’ FireRain said as she sat down on the couch beside Pinkie in her living room, which was a tad musty from the lack of cleaning. ‘’It’s…complicated,’’ She sighed sadly and tiredly. Pinkie cocked her head at that.
‘’Complicated? Do you want to talk about it?’’
‘’You’re not going to let this go easily, are you, Pinks?’’ FireRain asked, feeling cornered. Typical Pinkie Pie - forever persistent when she notices somepony in need. And that was one of the things FireRain loved about this mare. That and she always knew how to make her giggle.
Many wouldn’t think it, but Pinkie Pie’s fun, high-octane personality also came with a side-order of dark humour, which FireRain was able to scout out quickly once she became close friends with her. It was a rarely-seen side of her, but FireRain found her to be amusing, seeing as it was a rare occurrence to find somepony that shares her own dark humour.
‘’Nope!’’ The pink mare chirped as the two-tone orange-maned pegasus took a seat on her blue-cushioned couch, the same colour as Pinkie’s eyes. ‘’So you might as well spill the beans right now, ‘cause you won’t be getting rid of me until you tell me what’s wrong!’’
‘’I don’t have any beans,’’ FireRain said with a childish smirk. ‘’I don’t even like beans. Beans aren’t cookies, Pinkie,’’ She said, and it was at times like this when she felt that her humour was the only thing holding her together along with old strips of duct tape and bubblegum. (The bubble gum part being the mare sitting adjacent to her.)
‘’What about baked bean cookies? Oooh! I wonder if that would sell at the bakery, and it would be—-‘’
‘’That’s gross, Pinkie. Whatever idea you’re having in your mind right now, stop it,’’ FireRain shoved her hoof into the other mare’s mouth to pause her insane ‘alternative’ food concoction before it could see fruition. That’d be a devastating reality leading into a global epidemic…
‘’Oh, sorry,’’ Pinkie apologised with an embarrassed blush. ‘’Anyway, do you want to tell me what’s going on?’’
‘’Life, Pinkie Pie. My life is what’s wrong,’’ The writer pegasus said groggily with a sag of her shoulders, as if her being was wilting on a slow-motion decay in front of her friend. Thinking about her situation on a deeper level only brought with it a heavier sense of hopelessness, and it had eaten away at the part of her brain that created happiness.
Pinkie Pie, having a natural knack for these kinds of things, knew when any mood or a smile was fabricated, and, as The Element of Laughter, it was her sworn duty to make others happy. In FireRain’s eyes, she saw that the light had left them and that her whiskey-coloured irises were dull and marble-like.
‘’I’ve tried literally everything I know I want to do, but I can’t think about how to manage my time. At one point in my life, I wanted to become a director, so I spent precious hours of my life working both night and day to research it and learn how to do it, but then I lost interest. And then I wanted to become a writer, a real-life published author, which was really the only thing that I was good at. But I keep running out of time, and I can’t keep wasting my life working on a project that’ll likely tank when I should be doing more important things,’’ FireRain said deflatedly, her voice hollow and cracked.
Like her fragile little soul, one that had experienced more than its fair share of heartache, rejection and emotional scars, her voice felt shattered and ragged. It made her tired and dead on the inside, as if she were a piece of roadkill that didn’t fully die after getting squished on the asphalt, just left to slowly bleed out until the darkness consumed it.
‘’I had to teach myself everything I know, and it’s the only reason I’ve survived so long, Pinkie. I can’t trust anybody, and I shut myself away from the world because of that, and it’s made me force myself to not let anybody into my life. If I did that, I’ll only get hurt again, and I don’t think I can handle it.’’
‘’Well, do you trust me?’’ Pinkie asked, tone neutral but curious, her eyes offering a friendly type of sympathy that warmed the pegasus’ heart slightly. FireRain almost immediately responded, knowing the answer was obvious.
‘’Well, duh! I know I can trust you, Pinkie, and that’s partially why we’re having this conversation right now!’’ FireRain rolled her eyes. ‘’I consider you a pretty close friend, so I’d say that makes you more than trust worthy.’’
‘’And I haven’t done anything to hurt you yet, have I?’’ She smiled at her friend. ‘’I’ll never go behind a friend’s back like some of those other meanies did. But that’s why you’ve been sulking here for a week? Because you don’t know what to do?’’
‘’Yes, Pinkie,’’ FireRain said glumly. ‘’Normally, it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it matters to me what I do. There’s no way that I want to end up like most of the other people I know, getting stuck in some dead-end job that I don’t have any motivation to care about or go to and wishing that somepony’d put a bullet through my head. I don’t have a clue why my mind works that way, but it won’t allow me to do anything that I really don’t want to do, even if I might not have a say in the matter.’’
‘’It’s all fine for you, Pinkie - you’ve got a cushy job working at Sugarcube Corner with The Cakes’ and their adorable twins, you’re surrounded by ponies who love you and you’ve got a future to look forward to. And what do I have? Not a clue in the world where I’d like to be and such little time to find something to do before I get shut out of employability forever. And I don’t have a damn idea what to do about it.’’
She’s really upset, Pinkie Pie thought. Oh, Fi-Ri, you’re such a sweet and honest pony. It hurts seeing you like this, and it’s so haunting knowing that you’ve been suffering in silence all this time when you could’ve just come to me instead! You poor thing…
‘’Pinkie Pie, listen, you’re the only pony who I’ve dared to let into my life, and it’s a risk I’ve been putting off for too long, but…there’s this one last thing I need to tell you. Because I trust you, and only you,’’ FireRain began, anxiety beginning to flood her system.
‘’Oh? What is it?’’
‘’I’ve never told anypony about this, but…’’ She trailed off for a moment, as if pondering if she should breathe the next part of her sentence. This was a confession she had rehearsed many times in her head before, but she never imagined she’d have the chance to say it. The fact that Pinkie Pie was the one here right now to hear it was purely by chance of her knocking on her unlocked front door to find her in this sorry, neglectful state.
‘’Pinkie, I…all I’ve ever wanted was to have someplace I belonged, to call home, where I can be with others like me. That’s why I push myself to do so much out of the ordinary that other ponies are used to. There’s nothing waiting for me in an ordinary, meaningless dead-end life like that. There are times when I get so caught up in my own head that everything around me becomes grim and bleak, like there isn’t any escape from being the type of pony I am. I mean, is it really my fault I’m this way? That I have no way to satisfy my creative energy and personality like it wants? I never asked to be this way, Pinkie, and it might seem fun and exciting at times, but the truth is…I hate it! I hate everything about it!’’
FireRain felt herself become red in the face, and her eyes flared with anger for a brief moment as she faced a shocked Pinkie Pie. She hadn’t ever told another living soul about this, and it felt replenishing to her mind to get it off of her chest.
‘’I don’t just hate it, Pinkie Pie, I fucking hate it! Everything I do, I have to be destined to fail, and being a creative personality doesn’t help! If what I do isn’t creative and if I don’t satisfy my drive properly, then it’s worse than taking a shot to the chest! It feels like somepony’s suffocating me with a damp pillow! And I’m tired of it!’’
Did she just swear?! FireRain just swore! Oh, my, I’ve never heard anypony cuss before! Well, maybe except for dad…
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened slightly as FireRain’s hooves loosely gripped around her shoulders. FireRain was pouring her soul out to the mare in front of her, and it wasn’t because she trusted her, it was rather because she had gotten to the point where she didn’t care any more about keeping her thoughts down low along with her head.
‘’Every single day, I constantly have random thoughts running rampant through my head; ideas, characters, alternative worlds, problems belonging to said characters and tied to the way the world they live in functions, and when I’m not thinking about that, I’m thinking about lyrics and music, what else I should or could write, another way to channel my creativity someplace that requires it, anything to explore it. And do you want to know what the worst part is?’’
Pinkie Pie shook her head.
‘’I. Can’t. Stop. Them!’’ FireRain cried miserably, her voice stained with hopelessness and inner-frustration. ‘’I can’t escape my own thoughts and get out of my own head, and it drives me insane! This is the only thing I know how to do, Pinkie, but I no longer feel interested in it anymore! The only thing that I’ve ever cared about no longer has any meaning to me, and without that, what am I supposed to do? Sit and stare at a wall and watch paint dry like some neanderthal that just created the first campfire?’’
‘’Pinkie, I don’t like being me. At all. I hate it as much as I hate not being able to get out of my own head. It’s intoxicating in its own right, but that’s not always necessarily a good thing,’’ She sighed once more and drew in a shaky, haggard breath. She stared out into space in front of them, over to where her fireplace was situated.
Nopony spoke a word for a while, not even daring to breathe. The silence was eerie, ominous, unnerving. After everything that FireRain had just divulged to the pink mare, she was left gobsmacked, astonished, surprised that such words could even be produced from the mare’s mouth. She hadn’t anticipated that she was feeling so low and lousy, trapped in her own head with no escape hatch. She was, in a word, entombed, and her thoughts were eating her alive.
Pinkie Pie’s reason for befriending the lonely pegasus wasn’t out of pity, but more due to the fact that she sensed something about her, like there was a connection before she had approached her. It was the same type of mutual attachment that all of her friends had felt towards each other after learning of their cutie mark discoveries by following Rainbow Dash’s sonic rainboom.
There was a hint of familiarity, an origin from a similar background of self-searching, the desire to belong someplace, to have common ground with another being to let her know that she wasn’t alone. Nopony wanted to be alone, and everypony needed somepony special in their life. If anypony knew how wounding loneliness could be, it was Pinkie Pie.
She had spent countless hours on a bleak, desolate rock farm that constantly held a sky the colour of gunmetal. The area where she grew up was constantly deprived of anything bright, colourful and lively. Nothing was pretty, significant or welcoming. The only ponies she had to talk to were her sisters, and they were anti-social and moody, all apart from her twin, Marble.
Everypony was isolated back then during childhood, and Pinkie Pie hated every second of it, right up until she discovered what happiness felt like with the appearance of the sonic rainboom. There had always been remnants of her past lodged into the back of her psyche, such as the bitterness rock farming had bestowed upon her, and her memories had attracted an interest to FireRain. They were one in the same, and they could have been siblings if they didn’t know any better.
‘’I wanted to kill myself,’’ FireRain eventually breathed lifelessly, as if she was casually asking somepony how their day was going.
There was no emotion behind her voice as she spoke, and that sent chills down Pinkie’s spine. The way she had said it, void of any feeling and so casually, it was haunting while it was simultaneously saddening. It hurt to hear another living being breathe and produce those five words.
‘’I was going to, too. Before you walked in,’’ FireRain said tiredly, silently turning her head to face the pink mare, noticing her horrified expression and pouting lips. The baby blue eyes of Pinkie were ice cold and visibly distraught upon learning that somepony she was this close to was considering taking their own life.
‘’B-But…why?’’ Pinkie asked, tone wounded.
‘’Haven’t you been listening? I’ve got nothing to live for. What, am I supposed to look forward to nothing but more failure in the future? People don’t care about what I have to offer, and every time I open the door for them to step into my own head, they always spit at me and trample on my heart. Nobody has an open mind and nobody understands me, Pinkie! As far as I’m concerned, I’m meant to be on my own. Alone is all I am, and it’s all I ever will be!’’
‘’No matter how hard I try to fit in, it’s made clear that I’m not wanted. I’ve never fit into any group, clique or friendship circle, and being the type of person that I am, it’s hard to find others with the same or similar skillset to get involved with. Hardly anybody shares my sense of humour, my interests, hobbies, skillset, dreams and ambitions, and it’s made me feel like nothing more than some kind of parasitic bug! I’ve had enough of being trampled on with no way out of my own head, just to think clearly for once,’’ FireRain told Pinkie Pie. ‘’I only wish for my pain to end.’’
A stray tear slid down FireRain’s cheek, a clear emphasis on the heartache that she was drowning in. It felt kind of comforting to speak so openly about her inner thoughts and her darkest emotions to Pinkie Pie, a massive weight off of her shoulders.
What was Pinkie supposed to say? Hell, what was anypony supposed to respond with in a circumstance such as this? What exactly was classed as appropriate? Should Pinkie judge her for thinking so darkly and selfishly, or should she offer some words of wisdom to comfort her friend?
In a way, Pinkie was both upset and angry for how selfish her friend was thinking and acting. She hadn’t ever had to deal with this type of issue before, and being here and walking in on her in her lowest of moments automatically shoved her into a place of responsibility. She was the only pony here for FireRain, and that made her completely accountable for what happens here and to the pegasus. And she wasn’t prepared to abandon her so abruptly.
‘’Oh, Fire…’’ Pinkie Pie cooed, slowly working her way towards the other mare on the couch to envelope her into a comforting embrace. She locked herself loosely but firmly around FireRain’s barrel and she snuggled her cheek into the side of the mare’s two-tone orange and darker orange mane. ‘’I’m sorry, I had no idea!’’
‘’I had no idea that you were hurting so badly on the inside. But your Auntie Pinkie Pie’s here now, Fi-Ri. It’ll be okay,’’ She comforted her.
‘’Um, Pinkie? You do realise that I’m at least a couple years older than you, right?’’ FireRain asked, and then a realisation hit her. ‘’Wait a second: how old are you, anyway? We’ve not really discussed it, have we?’’
Pinkie Pie pulled away to look her friend in her amber-coloured eyes, smiling sweetly. She offered her a smile and she also found it strange how they’ve never once swapped birth dates, which was odd considering she knew everypony’s birthdays.
‘’Eighteen,’’ Pinkie Pie replied innocently, and FireRain’s eyes widened slightly.
‘’Huh, so I was right. I’m twenty,’’ She told her.
‘’Wow, really?’’ The pink mare asked, surprised. ‘’You’re only twenty-years-old and you were going to throw it all away? I don’t understand why you’d think about doing such a thing, Fire! How could you?’’ That made FireRain feel ashamed.
‘’Like I said, I’m just fed up of being forced to accept that I’m trapped in a joyless, pointless existence. I hate everything about who I am and what I’ve become, Pinkie, and it’s as simple as that. Everything I’ve wanted never happened, and nobody cared enough to ask to help.’’
‘’And what do you want, Fire? Do you want to tell me?’’ Pinkie blinked a few times and waited patiently for a response.
FireRain’s gaze shifted into one of contemplativeness, considering her answer while her face was overtaken by one of cryptic wonder. It was ironic as the pieces clicked together in her Rubik Cube-shaped mind, all of the corners of her mind spinning to create an equal wall of colour.
She stared at Pinkie curiously, and it made sense. Love was one thing that FireRain had dreamed of achieving, somepony to hold on those cold nights for comfort, but, with Pinkie, it wasn’t love. It was merely platonic and common ground which they both stood on, and it was better than nothing. Perhaps Pinkie Pie might be the answer.
‘’To be happy again,’’ FireRain replied simply. ‘’And I think you know what I mean.’’
Pinkie Pie’s face became curious about what she had meant and then her lips curled into a silent ‘o’ as she realised before her eyes brightened and she smiled. She did understand what she meant, and she knew that she couldn’t deny it.
She enjoyed her company, and so did FireRain, and, while her thoughts remained bitter and cold, Pinkie Pie provided an ounce of warm that made her forget, even if it was for the briefest of moments, enough to distract her. It was what the bubbly mare did best, after all, and the white pegasus was eternally grateful for it.
‘’I do,’’ Pinkie clarified, hugging the mare again. ‘’And don’t you ever go thinking like that again, Fire! No matter how hard it gets, there will always be somebody out there who cares,’’ She told the pegasus.
‘’Thanks, Pinkie Pie,’’ FireRain thanked her as she returned the hug, for once feeling a warmth arise in her chest.
‘’Anytime, Fi-Ri.’’
