Pick-axe man 2: Equestria's Pick

by ruthim345

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Royal Guard, Profanity, Random, Minecraft, Crossover
Length: 1452

A parody of piemation's "Suction Cup Man 2: A suck for America." But this time, it's with Steve. You know, like last time.

I watched the redone version of Suction Cup Man 2 yesterday, and thought, "What if this was with Steve?" And, here is the result. Not going to lie, I think I did pretty well

Suction cup man belongs to Piemations. Obviously.
Steve as a character belongs to Mojang, while Steve as an idea belongs to me.

Published 2019-08-05 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-05 20:10:01 UTC

Pick-axe man 2: Equesria's Pick

Author's Note

Since the first one got so much love, I figured, "Fuck it." So, here's part two.

Pick-axe man 2: Equesria's Pick

Secret Equestrian Military Base

So shush…

Steve leaned forward in his chair, slightly hunched over the table in front of him as he glared at the two unicorn guards that blocked the doorway. They hadn’t so much as moved a muscle since he’d first been thrown into the room he currently found himself in by that Royal Guard Captain, Shining Armor.

“So, do either of you fellas want to tell me why you kidnapped me?!” He asked, though he figured it may have something to do with the incident that had happened a week back.

“Please remain calm sir.” One of the guards responded in a monotone voice.

Steve shot to his feet, knocking the chair he’d been sitting backwards slightly, simultaneously unsheathing both of his diamond pick-axes. “You can’t keep Pick-axe man trapped forever! I’ll mine my way out of here eventually!”

Suddenly one of the guards opened the door, allowing a pink alicorn, who’d been waiting on the other side to enter. She slowly trotted over to the table, which was situated in the middle of the room.

“Are you Pick-axe man?” She asked.

“Maybe.” Steve responded as he threw his pick-axes aside, jumping into his chair and putting his feet up on the table. “Fuck you, who wants to know?”

The alicorn didn’t seem to even acknowledge the insult, choosing instead to answer. “I am Princess Cadenza, Alicorn of Love.”

It was then that Steve realized he may have fucked up quite a bit. But he’d gone this far. “...Yeah, fuck you.”

“You’ve done quite a bit of bad with your pick-axes, Mr. Man.” She began.

“Tell me about it!” Steve exclaimed, grin on his face.

“But I believe there is some good you can do for us.” She finished.

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “Why would you think I’m capable of good?! Just last week some dumbass almost died jumping out of a window trying to fight me off the castle wall!!”

“I understand that you may think your pick-axes can only bring destruction and sadness.”

Steve had to stop himself from chuckling. “What? Notch no, it was actually kinda funny.”

Her eyebrows furrowed as she gave him a small glare. “But, I believe it will be in your best interest to cooperate.”

Steve gave her a critical look. “Hmm. Alright, I’m listening, but still, fuck you.”

Her horn lit up and three pictures were put onto the table. They appeared to be of some foreign base, where a missile sat in a silo. “These images were taken by our spies in Griffonia. We believe the griffons are building their most powerful missile yet. It’s,” She put a hoof on image with the apparent blue-prints of the missile, only instead of there being actual measurements, it only said the word ‘huge’. “HUGE. And signs seem to indicate a strike against Equestria very soon.”

Steve scoffed. “Do you honestly think Griffonia is stupid enough to attack Equestria?”

Deep breath. “Yeah.

“Oh.”

She pointed back down to the photos. “We’ve located a hatch that leads to the warhead, where it can be disarmed. This is where you come in, Mr. Pick. The hatch is pretty hard to get to, and frankly, that would take a really expensive ladder.”

Steve looked at the Princess with a narrowed gaze. “What’s in it for me?”

Her horn lit up again and a paper was put on the table. “We will grant you one free pick-axe climb, on anything you wish.”

“Are you sure you’re prepared to give me that kind of power?”

She sighed and turned away from him. “We’ve heard rumors, Mr. Man. Can you, well, die?”

He grinned. “You can’t kill Pick-axe man.”

“Then I believe we have a deal.”

He threw his hands up in victory. “Fuck yeah! Let’s start World War Pony!!” He grabbed a nearby pen and hurriedly signed the paper.

* * * * *

Secret Griffonian Missile Base

But we found the bitch, haha

*Cling!* *Grunt!*

Steve pulled himself upwards. Taking a deep breath, he ripped his pick-axe free from the metal shell of the missile. Probably not the smartest thing, but whatever. Looking upwards for a moment, he slammed the pick-axe back into the metal, pulling himself upwards a little more.

“Hey! What da fuck are you doing!!?” A voice shouted from his left. Glancing over, he saw a gray griffon, with piercing blue eyes and gray feathers glaring at him from the ground, beak curled into a frown. A golden crown sat snugly on his head.

“Climbing your missile with pick-axes dumbass, what do you think?” Steve shouted.

“Why my missile?!”

“Why not your missile!!”

“You’re delaying my plans to attack Equestria!!”

“I’ll delay your plans all I want, look at me go!!” Steve yelled, waving one of his pick-axes around.

“Don’t you dare touch my missile!!”

“No, fuck you!!”

“Fuck you!!” The griffon yelled, pointing a talon at the Crafter.

“And fuck ya right back, ya fucking harpy!!”

“Do you have any idea who you are talking to!?! I am the leader of this great country!! I am these griffons god!! I will have your head on a pike if you don’t…”

“Hey, I wrote you a song!!” Steve interrupted.

The griffon king looked at him with a confused expression. “What?!”

Steve quickly pulled his guitar out of his inventory. “It goes a little something like this.” He strummed a few cords. “You’re a bitch!!”

The griffon and Crafter glared at each other for a few moments. Then the king tried to speak.

“Uh…”

Steve began strumming on his guitar again, while also blowing on the harmonica he’d stolen from that music pony back in Canterlot. “Oh you’re a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a BITCH!!” He blew on his harmonica for a few seconds before ending his little show by flipping the griffon the middle finger.

“Get de fuck off my missile dis instant!!”

“I can’t!!”

The king quirked an eyebrow. “Why the hell not!?”

“Can’t have you starting wars, dumbass!!”

“Well, you’re kind of starting one right now, and it’s pissing me off!!”

Steve shrugged. “Probably doesn’t help that I was hired by the Equestrian government!!”

This set the griffon off. “Ahhhhhh!!! You Equestrian slave!!”

Steve smirked. “Oh, that got ya really angry, didn’t it?!”

“Damn it!!”

“Welp, I’ve sure pissed him off now!!” Steve stated loudly, smirk clear for all to see.

“That does it!! No more stalling!!” He ran off into a nearby building. “I’m launching the missile now!!!”

Steve’s eyes widened.

“Uh oh.”

Suddenly the airship took off like a shot, flying directly upwards.

Steve hurriedly made his way up the missile towards the hatch. “Fuck, oh shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, oh shit!!” Steve slammed his pick-axe into the hatch before pulling, ripping the metal panel off. Reaching in, he grabbed some random wires and pulled, causing sparks to fly as a loud beeping sound began blaring.

The missile smacked into the ground with a loud “Crash!!” The griffon king stared silently at the wreckage, beak hanging open slightly in awe. There, among the destroyed part and metal scraps, two diamond pick-axes lay lodged in the metal hull. But there was no sign of their owner.

The griffon grinned. “You may have delayed my plans this time, man with a pick-axe, but you won't be around the next time I,” He glanced up slightly and his eyes widened in anger. “OH FUCK!!”

Steve gently glided down, the wings of his elytra fully extended and guitar in his hands, already playing. “Oh you’re a BIIIIIIIITCH!! You’re a BIIIIIIIITCH!! You’re a bitch!!” The Crafter strummed the cords a few more times. “Bitch!!”

He began to glide out of sight, leaving the pissed off griffon to stew in defeat. “Thanks Griffonia, you’ve been horrible!! Fuck off!!!”

Canterlot Royal Hospital

A ice blue earth pony with a light gray mane lay in a hospital bed, a cast covering nearly his entire body. He seemed to be asleep, until the sound of stone cracking caused his eyes to shoot open and look at the nearby window. For a few moments, the sound continued, before Steve pulled himself into view.

“How’s it going Mr. Numbnuts?”

“Sweet Celestia, what the fuck is your problem!!?” The guard yelled.

“I haven’t seen ya since last fall!!”

“Nurse!! Nurse!!” The stallion shouted, hoping to get someponies attention. However, it was not to be.

Steve pulled out a piece of paper and slapped it against the window. “Royal pardon bitch!! You can’t do shit!! Look at me go!!!”

“AHHHHH!!!!”