Enemy of the Taint

Today was a good day Twilight thought to herself as she got ready for the day. After her latest blood test and looking at the results herself (she knew she was better than any of those silly registered doctors) she noticed a discrepancy with her chemical levels. She had finally hit puberty!

It was only two years after she had moved to Ponyville and while she enjoyed her friends immensely, she was ready for sum smash smash time! Granted she was a bit behind the curve, she was in her early twenties after all, but better never late than never was her motto when it came to other ponies.

She had read a book on mating techniques and she followed the list she casually whipped up last night for this occasion. Not showering to accentuate her natural musk, check. Not brushing her mane for that extra slutty look, check. A spell to keep her body at near heat stroke levels so she’ll glisten in the sunlight romantically and a permanent flush, check. There were some other things in the book but she didn't have the courage to wear clothes out in public.

Stopping on her way out to grab a massive, pony sized water saddle bag with convenient drinking straw to counteract the dehydration she opened the door to her tree house and stepped out into the big bad, hunky world.

Immediately she walked to the closest mare she could find with the intent to hit on them.

Berry Punch was drunk as usual at this time of the morning, just sitting on a corner and drinking her “punch”.

“Hey Twilight.” Berry mumbled as she waved a hoof in her general direction. “Hey Ber Ber!” Twilight replied way to optimistically. Berry winced at the energy and looked at Twilight quizzically because of the nickname. Twilight however did not notice because the book told her that nicknames are endearing, and books never lie.

“So Ber Ber,” Twilight continued obliviously. “You’re single right?” Before Berry could reply Twilight shoved a hoof into her mouth to cut her off. “Of course you are, I know everything about every pony! Come hither voluptuous mare!” Twilight was following this book so well it was amazing even to her. It said that mares love it when you use big words and old words, which Twilight knew like the back of her hoof. She also finished the statement with a tactical swish of her tail to spread her musk and got closer for maximum pheromone effectiveness.

“I-” Berry started to say but then she made the mistake of breathing in when Twilight got close. With a choke and a gag, she both vomited and farted at the same time as a defense mechanism. With the expelling of stuff from both ends it caused a spinning effect. With a flick of her horn Twilight erected a shield to keep the vomit off her and watched as Berry Punch span like a top for a few seconds before passing out and collapsing in a puddle of nasty body fluids and bio hazard gasses.

Twilight just watched this display with her mouth agape. After Berry had passed out though she just shrugged and said to herself, “My potent charms must have been too much for this poor inebriated peasant.” Whipping around and not noticing a few flies dropping dead behind her she confidently marched off to find her next victim.

It was still early in the morning, but the sun was starting to come up so as it got hotter, Twilight started to pant due to the heat of her spell. She heard that panting was a good thing though, at least it seemed to always work in the Neighppon sex magazines she sometimes mail ordered. Rounding the corner after Berry Punch she saw Roseluck setting up her stall for the day. Trotting up closer she failed to notice the flowers wilting around her.

Rose looked up and with an alarmed look on her face she asked Twilight, “Are you alright you seem to be really hot.” She asked, concern plastered all across her face.

“I’m hot for you, Cozy Rosy.” Twilight replied, waggling her tail and turning to the side to show her flank.

For a minute Rose just looked at twilight, seeing the sweaty fur, panting lips and the swishing tail.

“Oh yes Twiggles!” Rose yelled, jumping at Twilight but as she got within a few feet she looked lie she hit a brick wall. She actually stopped midair and fell to the ground gasping for air and with a few convulsions she stopped moving.

Twilight just stood and stared, confused. It seemed like this time it was working, and she couldn’t tell if she was excited or if that was sweat running down her inner flank. She did everything according to the book so it must have been right. Maybe she had a medical condition that Twilight didn’t already know about. Normally she would stop to check her out and see what was wrong but today she was on a mission! Nothing and no pony would stand in her way to have end goal, coitus!

Twilight happily trotted down the main street to the local gathering spot, Sugarcube Corner. Every pony ate here so if there was any place to get a hunka burning love it would be there she decided.

Bursting through the open door she immediately saw Pinkie Pie and the Cakes getting the morning goods made and ready to sell. Pinkie always didn’t seem her type but Twilight wasn’t going to be picky for her first time so she started to zero in on the unsuspecting mare.

She barely got two steps inside before Pinkie’s eyes got really really big and she took a huge gasp of air and just started holding her breath. The poor Cakes didn’t get the warning early enough and just immediately passed out. Focusing on Pinkie though Twilight didn’t notice the Cakes and walked right up to Pinkie and said,

“Got a sack of sug for me babe?” Twilight breathed sweetly. Pinkie just shook her head violently while the ends of her hair started to curl up like it was on fire. Twilight seemed to be a bit taken aback by the shaking of Pinkies head and looked a little hurt, head drooping down and looking up with puppy dog eyes.

“Are you ok? You’re starting to turn blue.” Twilight asked. Pinking opened her mouth to say something and let out a blood curdling scream and also fell to the floor as if she was dead. Twilight forgetting about her mission for a moment jumped behind the counter and as she did so, all the cupcakes started to turn green and go moldy. She checked her vitals and determined that she was live, just knocked out.

“That’s Pinkie for you, always too much sugar in the morning.” Twilight justified to herself as she doggedly and stoutly walked outside, eager for more attempts. Sitting on a table outside she decided to try the lying-in wait approach and so with a few adjustments to sit like those french ponies she heard about that every pony seems to be painting, she waited.

Cherilee turned a corner and started to make her way to the shop, eager to get something sweet to start out the school day.

“Good Morning Cherilee!” Twilight panted, thinking hard she came up with the absolute most genius pickup line she had ever thought of in her entire life.

“After school, do you want to give me… extra lessons?” Twilight waggled her eyebrows at the cute mare. Cherilee slowed down, confused by the directness of the sweaty mare. She’s obviously smitten with me, Twilight thought as she smirked with the prospect of canoodling at the hands of another book nerd.

Cherilee seemed to decide that she hadn’t heard Twilight and kept making her way inside. Her mistake though was that Twilight was sitting next to the door. Her nostrils flared and her eyes started watering at the acrid smell. She started violently coughing and after bleeding out of her nose she passed out on the steps to Sugarcube Corner.

“Aww the poor thing, she must have been up all-night grading papers.” Twilight announced to herself and just sat there, waiting for her one, her only, her OTP. Thinking to herself that no matter what, she would find her ship today she refused to get depressed by her rotten luck today. It was strange how every pony seemed to be fainting around her but oh well. Twilight shrugged and devoted her massive brainpower to coming up with more pickup lines.

Marble Pie walked around the same corner that Cherilee did and cutely trotted up to Twilight. Hawt damn she was cute too, so Twilight jumped out of her chair to intercept her. A feeling of dizziness hit her but Twilight just assumed that it was because Marble was so mesmerizing. She panicked for a bit though because she couldn’t think of a masterful pickup line for some pony that works at a rock farm.

“Hey! Wanna marr my balls, Pie?” Twlilight blurted and was so overcome with lust that she turned around and prostrated herself before the obviously best pony. All Twilight heard was a “hurk” sound and a thud and turning around she saw that all of Marble’s mane had fallen out and the bald mare had ejected blood from both ends and was lying in a giant pool of it, her body had gone into shock from the smell.

“Oh no!” Twilight shrieked as she ran over to help her secret crush. The feeling of dizziness came back. Except more powerful this time and just as the darkness was creeping in and she began to pass out, Twilight remembered that she hadn't drunken any water all morning and had heat stroke.

Groggily waking up Twilight saw a plain white ceiling, the beeping of a bedside machine and the smell of ammonia told her that she was in a hospital. Looking over she saw Redheart writing on a clipboard.

"Have I ever told you that i thought white mares were hot?" Twilight blurted out. Dang it, she was still in mission mindset. Redheart looked around wildly until she saw Twilight was awake. Laughing out loud she slowly sauntered over to the head of the bed and looked down her nose at her patient.

"Twilight what on Equestria were you doing? Smelling bad enough to start a plague and having such a high temperature that you almost died." She stated. Twilight looked up at her confused, her cute brow knotting together. Before she could say anything however though Redheart put a soft warm hoof onto her mouth and said,

"I bet I bet I know what was going on... and not only did I laugh harder than i had in years, I also now have a chance of a lifetime. A mare in heat that I've had a crush on for ages!" Nurse Redheart declared and slowly took off her hat. My god Twilight thought, I love seeing a mare strip like that and immediately started panting like the books showed.

Redheart smirked and decided to give Twilight a "checkup" that she would never forget, this would be better than going to the gala for sure.

And so Twilight finally completed her mission, and got more scissoring practice in than Rarity did in a whole week of making dresses. Perhaps Redheart would even teach her the importance of taking a bath at some point.