The Tragic Tragedy

by Regidar

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Tragedy, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 1005

Tragic events occur.

You thought My Little Dashie was sad? Read this, and you may never stop crying. Ever.

Published 2012-08-13 06:34:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-13 06:34:02 UTC

The Tragic Tragedy

Twilight Sparkle slowly trudged down the road. All that had happened... the pain... the deaths... it would all be worth it.

She fell... it hurt. It hurt for more reasons than just a very sharp rock in the knee. She knew that if Luna were still alive, she could make an arrow in the knee joke. Poor Luna. Poor overused meme using, dead Luna. She pulled herself back up, forcing herself to keep on going.

Twilight Sparkle began to cry. Not because the world ended, but rather because somepony was peeling onions next to her. She shoved him away, accidentally causing him to fall down a cliff, where he died of childhood obesity.

Dragging herself across an empty lot full of broken glass, she started to cry harder. Not because of the immense pain, or the fact that she could have simply walked around it, but because of tragic events that had happened to her in the past.

Slowly, she dragged herself along, falling into a pit of salt and lemon juice. She cried, not from the unbearable agony she was feeling, but from all the terrible things that had happened.

She then dragged herself to a Lakers Game. She was sobbing harder then she ever had, not because of the horrible events that had taken place from before, but because of the poor performance of the Lakers.

Finally, she reached a staircase. But before her stood an obstacle. A single stool.

Kicking the stool to the side, she walked up the staircase, only to have the stool fly up and hit her in the back of the head.

"Oh, so that's how we're gonna play, huh?"

The wooden stool stood there, doing nothing. Practically begging for Twilight to destroy it. Little did the stool know, Twilight was practiced in the art of Kung-Jow-Chow-Mein.

Doing a double back flip, Twilight Sparkle shot a kick at her wooden advisory. She missed completely and flew into a conveniently placed cactus.

The wooden stool just stood there. Twilight seethed in anger.

"Tonight... you die."

Twilight summed up a spell of epic proportions, one that would have surely destroyed the world had the world not have been destroyed due to a series of events that happened earlier in time.

She missed, hitting an orphanage.

"Whoops."

A butterfly, perhaps the last one of its kind, alight the top of the stool. The stool fell apart. Twilight crushed the butterfly.

"I HAVE SLAIN THE BEAST!"

Then she remembered that everypony was dead. Well, except for a few orphans, but they were on fire and would surely die soon anyway.

Slowly ascending the staircase that led to the precious object that would make this entirely worth everything, she recalled the events upon which had caused all this.

“Hey Fluttershy, are we going to the movies or- why are you lighting your house on fire?”

Fluttershy was humming to herself as she poured gasoline all around the burning wreckage of the cottage.

“Well, why aren’t you?”

“Because I plan on living in my house?”

Fluttershy laughed her little laugh and waved her hoof at Twilight. “Oh, you silly. One day you’ll understand.” Whistling the tune to “Ready to Die”, Fluttershy picked up a big bag of what looked like powdered sugar and flew off.

Twilight shrugged, and went back to her house. Going through her books, she happened across a spell she had been meaning to try.

“End of the world spell. Caution: Will end the world. Do not use.”

“Well, they wouldn’t put it in a book if it wasn’t meant to be used.”

Spike noticed what Twilight was doing. "Twilight, that spell looks dangerous. I don't think you should cast it."

"Oh please, Spike. What's the worst that could happen? It's not like it'll end the world or anything."

Twilight Sparkle summed up all her magic, and then muttered the apocolytic spell that could very well end the world.

“Broccoli.”

Nothing happened.

“Oh, see, I knew the world wouldn’t end. Well, you must feel pretty stupid now, Spike.”

Then she looked back at the page.

“Oh, wait, I misread the spell, the word is actually ‘Cantaloupe.’ Silly me, sometimes I-”

Then the world ended.

Twilight was honestly expecting more. Sure, the fire rain, sulphuric oceans, ponies spontaneously exploding into giant tentacles was impressive, but really not up to par with her imagination of the event, which I would recall have I not aim to keep this story mostly non-nightmare inducing.

“This is all Spike’s fault.”

Twilight continued climbed up the staircase, which had gone on for a surprisingly long time. She then realized that she had been climbing the same step for the past forty-seven minutes.

Climbing the rest of the ten stairs up to the top, Twilight Sparkle dragged herself over to the door, and blasted it open. She had reached her destination, and everything would be fine again. She just needed to get to the refrigerator.

Reaching the marvelous white food box, she used her magic to open it. Inside, past some moldy muffins and old cat food, was a note. Twilight levitated the note out, and examined it thoroughly. She looked it over, shook her head a few times, cast a spell on it, then turned it over and read what the note had to say.

“Note to self: Buy more toothpaste.”

Twilight looked over to see Derpy eating the last of the precious tooth-care product.

“Oh! Hi Twilight, I was just enjoying my third favorite food, right after muffins and old tires. Hope you don’t mind, I didn’t know you were coming over, I would have saved some for you!”

Twilight Facehoofed. “Derpy, I needed that toothpaste badly!”

Derpy cocked her head. “How badly?”

Then the entire planet exploded.

“Pretty badly.”

The moral of the story: Always call ahead to let people know you’re coming. It could save the planet.

Author's Note: Jesus... What was I thinking when I wrote this? Anyway, I hope you all don't think I'm too weird.