Humans (who shouldn't be) In Equestria

by Some dude called JAB

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Human
Length: 17010

Completely different from the usual cliched HiE stories you usually see. Seriously.

In this twist of the common "Human in Equestria" fanfic, our protagonist (Brennan) gets sent to Equestria by unknown and completely unexplained means. Yes, every dream of everybody in this damn fandom's dream come true, right? Well there's one small problem…
He hates it there.
Read on as our our protagonist (and later some other guy he knows) get into what we hope to be hilarious situations as Brennan steals, evades persecution, and causes all sots of trouble while trying to get by.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-22 01:50:54 UTC

Chap 1: Intro thingey

Humans (who probably shouldn't be) In Equestria

Chapter 1: Introductary Plot-device

It was a Saturday night. The night was young, the moon was full, the sky was cloudless and the stars were beginning to show themselves. The air was nice, but a bit chilly with the light breeze. The sounds of nature would occasionally be drowned out by the passing car. Most people would be wasting a night like this out at a partying in a club, or drunk on the side of the street, but because these two had no lives they were wasting it out on a coffee run.

Their names were Brennan and Jordan. They were both teenagers and had similar interests in music, stories of many kinds, and Internet stuff. Jordan was noticably taller than Brennan and looked much older in comparison, with sprouting facial hair to boot. In fact, sometimes people would mistake Jordan for a young adult and Brennan for a twelve year old.  Jordan had long, curly brown hair and was sporting his usual black hoodie, baggy jeans, and headphones. Brennan was wearing a black hoodie as well, with green criss-crossing stripes that faded in some intersections. In his hand he carried a paper bag holding his already half-eaten doughnut. The two of them were having a conversation about what they usually talked about. Ponies. Technicolor cartoon ponies.

“But, yeah, I still can't see why people are disputing about him,” Brennan began. “I think this 'King-Sombre' guy sounds like a cool villain.”

“It's Sombra,” his friend replied before finishing off his medium double- double. He then traded it for the large triple-triple in his other hand. “And it's because of his character, or how little of it he has, versus the symbolism, or the fact that he just looks cool."

Just as Brennan was about to snark at Jordan's correction, something completely unexpected and life-changing happened. A small glint appeared in front of them.

“What the-"

Before Jordan could finish his sentence, the glint quickly grew into an oval-shaped vortex.

“The fuck is-”

Before Brennan could finish his sentence, the vortex pulled him in like a giant vacuum and closed behind him, leaving behind nothing but his donut, and Jordan just standing there questioning what the hell just happened.

. . . . .

Brennan finally began to wake up, if he could call it that. His head was dizzy, his body felt like it was a vegtable, and his vision was that of a Storm Trooper. When he finally started to regain his eyesight, he saw beside him a single dandelion with drop of dew dangling off of it.

“Pretty... wait a sec.” Brennan jolted upright and surveyed the landscape. He seemed to be in a forest, one that did not look familiar. “Where am I? What is this?” Just then Brennan suddenly realized something. Something very, very wrong had happened. “Where’s my donut?!”

Brennan stopped and decided to take a closer look at his surroundings. “Hmmm... this looks very familiar-” Brennan then noticed something, everything looked like it was from a freaking cartoon or something! Even he looked cartoon-ish. “WHOAH! I’m, like in an anime or cartoon or something. God, I hope it’s not one of those animes.” He shuddered at the thought of being inside one of the "shows" the Internet had "treated" him to.

“Okay, this has to be a dream.” Brennan put his hand to the side of his head. “When this happened, what was in my mind? ...What was in my DONUT!?” Brennan scowled. “Oh, Tim Hortons is SO getting sued when I get home.” He stopped to calm himself. “Okay, well, at least if it IS one of those animes, at least I have a chance to get ass. But first, I need to find civilization.” Brennan stood up, instantly adjusted to his new form. "Off to scout the landscape!”

Brennan set off to... who the hell knows where, on what would be the beginning of an epic adventure!

Or what winds up putting him in jail.

Chap 2: Brennan Begins (to cause trouble)

Chapter 2: Brennan Begins (to cause trouble)

I had been walking for minutes, hours, maybe even days. Nevertheless I continued forward. I would not lose hope, I would not give up, and I would not rest until I found civilization! But, god was I getting tired of walking. I almost collapsed from exhaustion. But after finally exiting the god-forbidden forest, I had found what i was looking for. A dirt road. Such a simple thing, but it filled me with unrivaled hope. For I knew that if there was a road, there was a path. A path created by somebody. Finally, my journey would come to an end!

I started running as fast as my legs could take me. I was filled with determination. Nothing could stop me! I suddenly gained a burst of speed as I saw something in the distance. As I got closer and could faintly make out the shapes of the blur... It was a town! I had finally found civilization! I had probably traveled quite a distance from when I had started, but it was finally worth it!

Or was it?

I skidded to a stop. Even at my distance, I could tell where I was. The colors, the designs of the buildings, the residents, it was all clear to me now what-

Wait, wait, wait, hold on a flipping second, when did the writing style suddenly change?

*ahem* Sorry about that. Moving on!

Brennan dropped to his knees. It was right in front of him, clear as crystal, but he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His mouth hung open, his arms limp, and he occasionally twitched. What he saw in front of him was somewhat expectable, in an ironic way, but at the same time shocking and cruel. But now he knew exactly what his situation was.

The city was the town of Ponyville. He was in My Little *Fucking** Pony!*

He suddenly went from shock and confusion to a frustrated state of rage. His body went stiff for a moment. He then clenched his fists, raised his head to the sky, and screamed “DAMN YOU, FATE!!”

“Who was that?”

“Hello? Is anypony out there?”

“Nyeah!” Upon hearing the two approaching voices, Brennan quickly dove into the nearest bush.

He peeked out of the to get a better look at the random encounter. He couldn’t recognize their voices from what he'd watch of the accursed program. They were both mares. One was a green unicorn with a white and green striped mane, and the other was yellow earth pony, with a curly mane that was half blue, half pink. They were curiously looking around, trying to find whoever was yelling five seconds ago. The yellow one got closer to his location. Slowly, closer, and closer... 'Ah crap.' She was just about to poke her head into his ill-chosen hiding spot when her friend called for her.

“Come on, Bon Bon! We can't keep looking for mysterious voices. You need to get back to your job and I have lessons to continue.”

“Alright. I just hope whoever it was isn't in trouble.”

Brennan held back a sigh of relief until they were at safe distance. He climbed up the nearest tree. I’m not even sure why, maybe he just wanted to climb a tree, but that's not relevant right now. When he was in the tree he found a sturdy branch to sit on and, well, sat on it.

He looked down, and there was the dirt road he was just kneeling on. It lead left to the town of Ponyville, and his imminent doom, and right went straight to who-the-hell-knows-where. On his side of the road was a forest. Maybe it was the one he left not too long ago, but maybe not. He wasn't exactly paying attention. On the other side of the trail was a field. Just a big, pointless, empty field.

'Well, maybe not completely empty.' There were two visible lifeforms in the field. Both were, not surprisingly, ponies. Unlike the last pair though, they were far enough away not to notice him. Heck, he could barely get a clear view of them. Still, he knew them the instant he caught glimpse of the blurs. One was airborn, active, and possibly restless. Her color scheme made her easily distinguishable from the average palatte-swaped backgrounder. Bright blue coat and a multi-color mane. There was no mistaking that-

“This description is boring. HIYA! What’s your name?”

“GAHHOLYSHITWHATTHEF-”

[PAUSE]

Now, some of you readers out there may be confused as to what's going on. You may be asking things, like:

"Why does Brennan seem so pissed about being here?"

"Why does this guy seem to know so much, yet so little?"

"Why did the author have to interrupt the story? I was reading that, *thank you!***"

"Why the hell am I reading this piece of crap in the first place?"

"Did I leave the lights on in the kitchen?"

Allow me to explain everything. Brennan is kind of bi-polar about the whole My Little Pony thing. On one hand he kinda likes the stuff, thinks of ideas for fanfics, talks about ponies with Jordan, watches clips from the show (but has forbidden himself from watching a whole episode because he’s kind stubborn), etc. He’s even drawn stuff a few times, which were immidiately hidden from the rest of the world in an unknown hidden location (Jordan's room). But, on the other hand, he-

"LET THE GALAXY BURN!"

“MAIM! KILL! BURN! MAIM! KILL! BURN!”

“DEATH TO THE FALSE EMPRESS!”

...Yeah, pretty much that.

Now back to the story!

[UNPAUSE]

“-UCK!” The pink, high pitched blur that came from seemingly nowhere startled Brennan so much he lost his balance and fell out of the tree onto his back. Quickly getting onto his feet, ignoring his pain and knowing he had been spotted by one of the residents, he ran deep into the forest to avoid any potential pursuers.

Meanwhile, in a forest somewhere else...

The clearing was silent, bathing in the mid-day sunlight. The only sound to be heard was the birds chirping in the distance. All was calm and quiet...

“Are you sure this is the place?” said one figure, as him and a second were just arriving in the clearing.

“Positive,” the other replied.

The first looked around, and then fixed his glare at the other. “Then why isn’t anything here?”

“Because,” the second retorted, “with the amount of time we took with your ‘detour,’ it could have made it as far as Whinnypeg by now!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!” the first replied, raising his voice to assert his authority. “Do you forget who you’re talking to?”

The second wasn’t fazed. “You mean a hot-headed moron who can’t follow orders properly?” Without waiting for a response, knowing well that it would just make matters worse, he walked on ahead. Following the tracks leading deeper into the forest, he hypothesized he would capture his prey by the end of the week.

"Wait up! You should at least tell me when you decide to wander off!"

Make that a week and a half.

Meanwhile, in the other forest...

Brennan was running, fast on his little feet, being careful to dodge any trees in his path. He didn’t know where he was going, but-

“Wait a second,” Brennan skidded to a stop, “where am I?” He looked around, but still couldn’t figure it out. True, it was a forest, but not the same as the one he started off in. This forest was darker, gloomier, it just didn’t seem natural. He was so focused on this confusing setting that he almost didn’t notice the rustling in the bushes behind him.

“Huh?” Almost. “Who’s there?”

The response was more noises, noises moving in a circle around him.

The lone soldier found a large stick on the ground and quickly armed himself. “Imma beat ‘cha with ma beatin’ stick!”

This time the rustling stopped, maybe his threat worked! But after a short silence, something started to poke its head out of the bushes. It was...

“A chicken? I was worried for a second there...” It continued to rise from the bush, revealing its reptilian body. It cocked its head towards Brennan, staring at him with his red, soul-piercing eyes. “That’s no chicken!!”

Meanwhile, back on earth...

Jordan was at home, sitting at the computer like he usually did, leaning on his left arm and scrolling with his right. He was doing what his schedule normally consisted of; procrastinating on the many things he should've been doing on Tumblr and other distraction death-trap websites. Suddenly, he remembered what happened not too long ago on his coffee run.

“Shit, I should do something to help Brennan!” Then, instead of getting up from his comfortable slouching position, he thought for a moment. After deciding his next course of action, he immediately acted upon it. “Nah, I’m sure he’s fine." The so-called friend of our protagonist continued scrolling through an endless waves of cartoon horses and bad jokes.

Meanwhile, back in Equestria...

It was nice day outside. The air was warm, the flowers were in full bloom, and everything was quiet. It felt almost perfect.

Fluttershy was sitting by herself, watching the clouds roll by in front of her secluded home near the edge of the Everfree forest. She was so close to what probably is the most dangerous part of the area, but she didn’t mind. The timid Pegasus was having a great day. The weather was nice, there were no troubles involving the animals, and she even got a bouquet of flowers on her doorstep from a secret adm-

Suddenly, there was a crash. Shortly after it was the sound of something coming out of the forest. The mare was scared for a moment, but relaxed a little when she heard a voice.

“Y-yeah! You better run, you... demon lovechild of a cock and an iguana!”

The voice wasn't one she heard before, making her hesitant, but the fact that there was a voice meant that it was probably just another pony.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t expecting anything like what she saw. The creature was skinny, bipedal, and it’s only brown hair was covering the top of its head. It was also wearing strange clothing; blue jeans, a black sweater with green stripes that have a fading effect, shoes, and a white t-shirt with a strange symbol on it.

What scared the pegasus wasn’t just its sudden appearance, or its size (she had stood up to the likes of manticores and dragons after all). What left her terrified was the fact that it was part of a species she had never seen before, one that was clearly intelligent, and violent.

“Hmm?” It apparently had noticed her during her state of panic, and was now looking straight at her. “Hello? Are-“

Fluttershy took no more time to hesitate and sprung towards her front door. Back to panicking, she quickly unlocked the door, ran inside, and cowered under the blankets left on the couch for when she was going to fold laundry. The frightened mare peeked out of her fabric shelter to look out the window, to see if it was still out there. Nothing. It couldn’t be seen anywhere. Even though the coast looked clear she decided she would stay inside, for another hour or so, just to be safe.

Meanwhile, somewhere where I can hopefully stop with this “meanwhile” crap...

“Huh?” Brennan stared at the building the pony sprinted into. He hadn’t gotten a good look at her, but he knew she was scared. “Hello? I didn’t mean to startle you!” He strode up and examined the door, tapped on it a few times. No answer. 'Duh!' he thought. He leaned over near a window and peered inside. Obviously, the resident was hiding. Just as well. He would have stayed a bit longer, attempt to reason with the horse, but he heard distant voices getting closer. ‘I can try to make peace with them,' Brennan thought, 'but I have no idea how they’ll react. I am a stranger in a strange world, after all.’

The voices were drawing closer.

‘Okay, different plan. I get out of here, come back when I’m more prepared, when I know just what exactly I’m up against. That way, if and when it comes down to blows, I have a better grasp of how to fight them.’ Brennan turned, sprinted into the underbrush, grabbing his makeshift club as he went. He ran for about maybe 5 minutes, and then stopped by a tree trunk to catch his breath. The voices were gone, and the house was out of sight.

Brennan sat down, cross legged....and heard his stomach growl. ‘Ugh. Okay, first, food, then analyze what I’m up against.’ Brennan stood up. “I need food,” He thought aloud. “But where? Where?”  Suddenly, from above he was hit on the head by a big, round, juicy, red... “Apples! Convenient.” He stood up and looked around at the surrounding area. Apple trees, and they were everywhere! “I hit the jackpot!” He then proceeded to climb the tree he was closest to, and began picking the fruit. “Wait a second,” he crawled along the branch he was resting on, and looked out into the rows of apple trees. Rows of trees... “These trees are aligned a little bit too perfectly.” He then heard whistling coming from a distance. “Yeah, I knew this was too good. This has to be an orchard of some sort. And is this is an orchard, the there must be a farmer. And if there’s a farmer, then....” realization dawned on Brennan in an instant. “Aw crap.”

He looked in the direction of the whistling. After deciding that he should not be caught here red-handed, he began to move through the treetops as silently as possible. Which, surprisingly, was pretty damn silent. Then she came into view. ‘Of course.’

She was a mare, obviously, but stronger built with a blonde mane, orange coat and stereotypical western hat on her head. Her weird, happy-fun-time-tattoo-thing was, shockingly, a picture of apples. ‘Applejack,’ he thought. He didn’t remember much about what little Jordan said of her, but he does remember that she make a living out of kicking apple trees, and Jordan mumbling about a lack of episodes or something. He didn’t really care, he was too busy Halo-ing.

‘Okay, he thought. I need to play it cool. Pretend I don’t know I’m stealing. Better yet, pretend I don’t know where I am in the first place. That would be even easier.’

Brennan sheathed his club in the back of his shirt, slid down the tree and crept up to the orange mare sitting with her back to him.

Applejack had sat down for a slight rest, just for a brief moment, to enjoy the day a bit before she got back to work. She breathed a content sigh. The peace was shattered, however, when she felt a heavy, blunt piece of driftwood poke her twice in the side of her head, just under her ear.

“What the hay-” She turned and almost skittered a few steps away from the creature. It was tall, sort of, and clothed. In one hand, it clasped an oak branch, in the other, a trio of her perfectly good apples. Then it spoke;

“Yo, what’s up?”

Chap 3: A Game of References

Chapter 3: A Game of References

In the dim light of the forest everything seemed fine, peaceful, and even somewhat cheery. In the thick of trees and bushes a lone parasprite decided to land on a nearby leaf for an afternoon nap. Just as it was about to drift off into dreamland, it was startled by the rush of something, no, two things running by, a short distance from where it laid. It decided to ignore the commotion, deciding a good rest was more important than worrying, and tried to sleep again. But they came back, running in the opposite direction and much closer to the sleepy insect, who was blown off its perch by the current.

“GET BACK HERE WITH THOSE STOLEN GOODS!”

Brennan was rushing through the woods as fast as his two feet could carry him, otherwise he would have to risk dealing with the bullet-train behind.

“Uh.... NO!” Because all of his concentration was on running and not tripping on anything he didn’t have the time to think of a clever insult.

Brennan had no idea how long he had been running for. Running for your life at speeds you didn’t even know you could possibly achieve from a physical tank in an alternate universe kinda messes with your perception of time. One thing he did know was that he probably shouldn’t have taken the “Meet the Scout” approach with his first direct encounter. That was then, and this is now, now he had to deal with the consequences. But god damn his legs were starting to hurt. He needed a reason to stop, even if it was for a brief moment, so his legs wouldn’t explode.

Just then, conveniently, age and the beatings from many a storm had finally caught up to a nearby tree, and Brennan spied it from a short distance ahead of him. It was leaning toward the path he was whipping down and its roots were exposed, as if the tree was clinging for dear life. Brennan had an idea. He grabbed an apple from a low-hanging branch on another tree then chucked it back. The mare only had a split-second to look surprised before the apple smacked her between the eyes.

“AGH!” she opened her eyes. “You’ll pay for that yoooooOOOAAAAUGH!”

THUD

As Brennan had hoped, the horse had charged blindly as she recovered from that minor bruise, then slammed into the tree full force. The tree tipped over.

“Please,” Brennan said, “put it on my BILL!” Brennan leaped out of the tree’s radius as it came crashing down. Applejack, for the nonce, was trapped behind it. Brennan jumped up into the air, pumping his fist for effect. “YES!” Then he noticed the mare climbing over the trunk, only more enraged by this attempt at incapacitation. “...FUCK!”

"Nice mouth," Applejack countered.

Brennan turned and bolted through the trees yet again, and the chase continued.

But for now we will be seeing other scenarios unfold as the chase between the farmer and the thief drags on. I know, it was getting pretty interesting, but I’m being ordered to tell you about other things now so just shut up and read on. God, we really need to find a better way to transition between these scenes...

Oh damn, now I’ve lost my train of thought. Just... let’s just get on with this.

Back at Fluttershy’s cottage, the frightened mare remained hiding under the blankets, totally invisible while she shook. A while ago Angel tried to persuade her to leave the fabric tomb, but to no avail. It was unknown how much time had passed since the creature made its exit from the forest; it could be anywhere from minutes to hours, but time felt like it was moving at a snail’s pace.

Fluttershy was jolted back to reality when she heard the familiar sound of somepony knocking at her door, and they sounded impatient. She slowly began to leave the safety of the laundry and made her way to the door. She stopped to think for a moment, and let her fear take over again. What if it returned? What if it’s something worse? She gulped and looked through the peephole, bracing herself for whatever was on the other side. Instead of the horrors that rushed into her minds when her imagination opened the floodgates, she was met with the relieving sight of a cyan pegasus. She quickly unlocked and opened the door for her friend.

“Oh, hello Rainbow Dash, what brings you here?” Fluttershy tried her best to give her an assuring smile and mask her worry which, as you can probably guess, didn't work.

Rainbow gave her friend an annoyed and confused (but mostly annoyed) look and replied. “We had plans today, remember? I was supposed to meet you at Sugarcube Corner fifteen minutes ago!”

Fluttershy, remembering instantly about their scheduled meeting, shrunk in regret for forgetting. “Oh, I-I’m sorry, I was caught up with a little...” Now remembering the encounter from earlier she cringed, yet managed to squeak “problem.”

Her friend’s impatience and annoyance quickly gave way to concern. “Problem? What kind of problem?”

“I-I don’t think...”

“Come on Fluttershy,” Rainbow put a reassuring hoof on the timid pegasus's shoulder, “you can trust me.”

“Well...” Fluttershy took a quick peek around Dash to see if anypony, or anything, was around. When she saw the coast was clear she motioned for her friend to come inside and closed the door behind them in a hurry.

Now while they discuss the troubles Fluttershy encountered let’s take a look back at the troubles our unlikely protagonist has getting himself into.

Instead of running through the woods at top speed being chased by the orange farmer Brennan was instead being dragged back, tied by his ankles by a rope, and he was not happy about it.

“So, this is how you treat guys on a first date? Kinky, but how’s about letting me go now, huh?”

“Not a chance. I ain’t lettin’ ya go that easily, ‘specially since it was such a pain to get you to slow down for a second.”

Brennan replied by rolling his eyes and grumbling.

“Y’know, when we get back yer gonna have a lot of questions to answer, like why’re you tryin’ to steal my apples for? And what are you?”

“Oh no, you're found my weakness,” Brennan cried in mock fear. “Questions! It’s like school all over again!” He then curled up in a fetal position. “The horror..."

“Yer not makin’ this easier fer yerself.”

“And your heavy accent isn’t making me take you more seriously.”

“You’re really startin’ to get on my nerves!” Applejack stopped the ride, turned around, and glared at her passenger. “If you don’t cut the act I’ll-"

“You’ll be forced to be more irritating?” Brennan put his hands behind his head. “I don’t think you can do that!”

“Alright, that’s it.” Applejack got in his personal space. “Who, or what, are you and why're you bent on making my day miserable?”

Brennan stopped to a moment, staring at his captor but deep in thought. Finally, he spoke up. “Okay. I didn’t want to tell you this but....” he shifted his body a little making it possible for him to sit up. He then continued “I am a creature from another dimension, and I’m armed to the teeth with hidden weaponry and clever thinking. I have friends back home, and they won’t be happy to know you’ve captured one of their agents. Even though I was sent here by unknown forces, and I don’t know how to get back, they’ll certainly know how to get here, and probably will. So you had better let me go, because I’m going to need food for the return trip, and believe me, you’ll be sorry if you imprison me.”

“I...” The farmer turned back to the road she was initially headed down.. “Oh gosh, what am I going to do? This is-“ she was interrupted when she felt something hit her in the head, and it felt like her own rope! She looked back only to find Brennan free from her rope bindings and on his feet.

“Ha! Mixed truth and lies to fuck with you!” The thief had not only broken free, but had swiped the apples, too. He turned and bolted into the trees, leaping onto a low-lying branch. “And don’t think I’ll let that happen twice, sugarcube. Because I won’t!” And with that, he took off yet again.

If the farmer pony wasn’t pissed before, she certainly was now. If Brennan wasn’t imagining things, she seemed to be getting faster by the minute, getting closer every step he got farther away. But there was hope. Brennan saw a fence up ahead, tall enough that Applejack couldn’t climb over. But he didn’t have time to climb the fence, either. There had to be a way out of this. There always is, he thought. So, Brennan took a deep breath, hoped against all odds that this worked, and leapt toward the fence. Momentum wasn’t just carrying him; it was flat out on his side. He seemed to twist and vault through the air, like gravity and physics just stopped existing. And before he knew it, he was on the ground- on his feet. 'How the hell did I do that!?' he thought, standing there in shock for a good few seconds before Applejack’s enraged yelling snapped him back to reality.

“You give those apples BACK! This is yer last chance! If I ever see you stealing from my farm again-!”

“Waaaaah! Waaaaaah!  Does Applejack want her goddamn bottle?” Brennan taunted.

"SHUT UP!"

Brennan grinned, eying his hard-earned prize, then took a big, purposefully loud bite. “See ya soon now, y’hear?” Brennan said, then bolted into the nearby foliage. He ran for a few minutes, then stopped. After looking to see if anyone was around, he slowly turned his gaze upon his booty; he had stolen 17 apples in all, wrapped in a burlap bag. Brennan sat in the shade of a nearby tree. 'Victory is going to taste SO good.'

About fifteen minutes later, Brennan had eaten all but three of the red fruit, and he was just about sick of apples. ‘Well, victory tastes good for a while, I guess,’ he thought. “Dammit, I’m still hungry,” he finally said aloud, “and not for apples! I need something else. Meat? Unlikely. Vegetables? Eww. Wait, isn’t there something about a sweet shop back in that pastel-coloured armpit? Yeah!” Brennan got up and began to power-walk back towards the town, but paused a few paces down the path. “Hold on, dude. In order to obtain victory, I’d have to infiltrate the town without being seen, EVER. Not the easiest of tasks. I’d have to make sure everyone there is on break or something, or I’d, needless to say, get caught. And if they’re not, I’d have to wait, or go through the store’s owners to get to the food. Waiting, mind you, in the middle of enemy territory, way behind the enemy lines.”

Brennan thought for a moment. The way he saw it, he had a grand total of three valid entry points; the sewers (not desirable), the streets (deathwish city) or the rooftops. And if he was under cover of night or dusk, after the shops had closed, it would be Payday: the heist all over again. Brennan decided the rooftops were the place to go, and began to make his way towards the town.

By the time Brennan had gotten back to Ponyville, and had made a good bit of distance into the area, the sun was setting. He had perched himself onto a relatively high building in order to get a decent vantage point. The kaleidoscope of horses in assorted colours below, luckily, had not noticed him yet. ‘You’d think a species that gets routinely attacked by who-knows-what would be more observant.’ He looked around, making sure to keep low to stay as unnoticeable as possible, trying to spot out his eventual raiding target. After a few moments he found it!

...Only it was all the way on the other side of the town.

“Great. Just freaking perfect!” Brennan mumbled to himself. Now he had to plot a way to get there unnoticed. ‘This is going to be difficult.’

A few minutes passed, and Brennan found no way of getting there without getting caught. But opportunity struck, and Brennan soon spotted a horse-drawn cart, filled with hay. “Oh, hey,” Brennan whispered to himself, “if that’s what I think it is....maybe....maybe I could use whatever that agility burst was from earlier...” Brennan smiled. Then he stood up just as the cart passed below. “If this works...” Brennan spread his arms. “Alright, synchronize....and leap of faith.” And with that, Brennan jumped off the building and swan-dove right into the cart.

FUMP.

“What was that?” he heard from who he can only guess was one of the two pulling the cart.

“It was nothing, Caramel, now let’s get going,” he heard another voice reply. With that the voices stopped, even if it was just for the moment, and he felt the cart moving from underneath him.

‘Amazing!’ Brennan thought. ‘Just a few hours here, and I’ve gone from a lanky, unathletic teen into the goddamn Prince of Persia!’

Now that Brennan was in the cart all he had to do was wait...

“Did this cart suddenly get heavier?”

“You’re just imagining things, now let’s get a move on. I want to take care of this as soon as possible, there’s supposed to be a new episode of my show on tonight.”

And put up with these morons. This was going to be a long ride.

After a time, just when Brennan was wondering how he could use the hay to strangle his two drivers, he heard one of them to speak up, and decided to listen in, but only because it was the only thing to listen to.

“Wait, why are we dragging this thing around anyways?” Idiot #2 spoke up. Because a name wasn’t mentioned for him he decided to call him “Idiot #2” for now.

Idiot #1, or “Caramel” as he was called earlier, replied. “Because, Blues, Applejack-“

“Oh, right,” “Blues” interjected. “You do know she’s not interested, right?”

“She is interested!” Caramel insisted. “I can tell. And soon, I’ll get the courage to ask her out!”

Brennan almost blew his cover all over the back of the cart.

“No, she isn’t. I can tell, you are just blinded by your obsessive attraction,” Blues retorted. “Plus everypony in the town thinks you’re gay!”

“WHAT?!”

Again, Brennan could barely contain his laughter. This was so funny it almost hurt.

“Hell, for a while I thought so too!”

“W-What? You too??”

He couldn’t help himself, this was just too good! Even if he couldn’t keep it in, those two morons probably wouldn’t hear him nor care about him with their own fighting going on.

“-you even look the part, Mister Pretty-boy!"

“I-”

“Plus, remember the party?”

“Hey, I told you not to bring that up! I was drunk and you know it!”

“I thought you said you never drink?”

“Well… Well I did then! Plus, Lucky talked me into it!”

“You’re not exactly helping your argument here.”

Okay, Brennan needed to leave now or risk his lungs exploding from laughter. He quietly crawled out of the hay pile and off the stupidity wagon, only to notice he was already at his destination! ‘Perfect!’

After quickly checking to make sure nobody, or rather nopony, noticed him, which surprisingly none did, he ran towards the back of the building so he wouldn’t be spotted as easily. As luck would have it, the store had a back door, but when Brennan tried to open it, it was locked. Figures. Brennan dug through his pocket. Apparently, the only thing he had to his name was a paper clip and a tooth pick. But dammit, that was enough. Brennan jammed the two things into the lock, fiddled with it a moment, and gave up a minute later when the tooth pick snapped. Brennan, not exactly the quitting type and more of the stubborn type, glanced around for another way in. All Brennan could possibly see, however, was a brick which must have come loose some time ago. ‘Well, might as well make do…’ He thought, and he took the stone in hand and threw it full force through a nearby window. Brennan quickly crawled through the shattered window and into the shop.

The place was homely, sort of, and smelled really, really good. There were a few standing shelves, and some bags of flour set against the wall. But, unfortunately, Brennan was not alone.

“Eh? Who’s there!? Bloody vandals!” A voice called out. Luckily, he hadn’t seen Brennan yet, and he had enough time to sneak behind a flour sack. As he drew closer, time slowed down for Brennan.

Head cocked to left, partial deafness in ear; first point of attack. Two: throat; paralyze vocal chords, stop scream. Three; floating rib to the liver. Four; Finally, drag in front left leg, fist to patella. Summary prognosis; unconscious in ninety seconds, martial efficacy quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery; Unlikely.

‘Should it be that difficult to take down one guy?’ Brennan thought it over. ‘Nah.’

Instead, Brennan waited until he was passing by, and when he was standing with his back to him, Brennan got up and smashed the brick into the back of his head. Brennan caught the guy as he fell, then gently set him down and checked his pulse. As much as he had wanted to slaughter these horses, the last thing he wanted—For now at least—was blood on his hands. But the guy was alive and breathing, which was good. There was still something that was poking him at the back of the head, though. There was something about this one that was… different from the others. After taking a few steps back he could tell why.

He didn’t have the same build as most of the other stallions he saw, instead he was taller and more lanky. He even had some noticeable longer hairs on his muzzle, which itself looked different, making it look like someone who hadn’t shaved recently. He could deduce from this that he was a character of significance instead of just another background character. Of course he worked at the same store as one of the main characters which would mean he would be more or less significant, but he expected the residents of this world to look more like the army of clones he originally imagined.

‘No matter’, Brennan thought. He had come here to do the one thing he was good at; steal shit. And that was what he was going to do. Brennan immediately snuck over to the shelves and began to shovel muffins, candies and other sugary sweets into the burlap sack he also stole. He took a rather neat-looking cupcake off the shelf and took a bite; Yuck. He grabbed a different one and bit it; he ended up eating it then and there. Once his bag was full; 25 sweets in all, not to mention dozens of little candies and chocolates, but there was a reasonably sized emptiness on the shelf. He left behind the cupcake he took a bite out of and worked his way towards the door. But something caught his eye; a vintage, olde-timey cash register.

'I should probably carry some loose change in case,’ He thought. Brennan strode over, pressed a few buttons, and when that did not work, he slammed the register with the surprisingly effective brick. The cash box popped open, and Brennan reaped his booty; A few dozen dollars (He presumed) in gold coins. ‘Bits’ or something. They looked like tokens. This had turned out to be a rather successful heist. “Hmm…” Brennan wondered. He saw a notepad and pen on the counter, probably for writing checks. Brennan took the pad and pen and scribbled “You’ve been Moriartied, Sweetheart” on it. He then traced his steps through the bakery and left through the back doorway.

Big mistake. Unlike earlier, when he broke and entered to begin his heist, the area was crowded with around 15 of the creatures. 30 eyes…staring right at him.

Brennan turned and sprinted towards the alleys, while behind him people yelled “Stop! Thief!”

‘So much for stealth.’ Soon, however, despite some run-ins and breakouts, he was back in the forest with his entire bounty.

Moriartied, indeed.

Chap 4: Meet the Other Characters

Chapter 4: Meet the Other Characters

As the bipedal creature quickly evaded the residents shouting and even throwing things at it, a lone unicorn stood watching in fear, curiosity, and mostly confusion over everything that had just transpired in front of her. So many questions were rushing into her head at once it was hard to keep track of even one, making her thoughts completely disordered. Only about five minutes ago her day was going the way she planned it, she was keeping up to schedule with her work and was just walking to sugarcube corner to catch up with a friend and borrow a few ingredients. There was no possible way she could have expected this, even if it did happen at the workplace of the most logic-defying pony she knew-

“Twilight!”

“Huh?” Twilight Sparkle had snapped back to reality at the sound of her friend practically screaming in her ear. After shaking her head a little, the purple unicorn turned to the friend who helped bring her back into the world of the sane and said “Thanks Pinkie, I was kinda lost in my own thoughts for a moment there.”

“No problem! But did you see that?!” the peppy pink party planner quickly replied in her familiar high pitched squeal of a voice.

“Yes Pinkie, I know, that-“

“-was so cool!” Pinkie interrupted. “I mean did you see how fast that guy could go?! And the way he leaped like that way? Awesome! What was he anyways?”

“That’s the problem, we have no idea what that creature could be,” Twilight answered, obviously taking this much more seriously than her comrade. “Don’t you realize the situation that just unfolded? That thing just broke out of your shop carrying treats that it probably stole from and barreled through the alleys like it was nothing!”

“Well, at least he didn’t steal anything.”

“You weren’t listening to a word I was saying, were you?”

“Nope!”

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. “How about I just show you?”

One CSI-esque transition later

GASP

“Desserts have been stolen,

Money has been taken from the cash register,

And Mr. Cake fell asleep on the job! Again!

This is horrible!”

“Now do you see what this thing is capable of?”

Meanwhile Mr. Cake was still lying on the ground, apparently asleep now, occasionally saying a short sentence like “No mommy I don’t want to eat my vegetables.” And on a more relevant note, Pinkie had also just found a note written in pen and on paper from the very notepad on the counter, next to the raided cash register.

“Me? Moriartied? Sweetheart? Oh, that does it!” With that she ran like a burst of lightning (which is actually a pretty normal speed for her) towards the back door to leave and pursue the Moriartying thief. But, even though she was pretty much the embodiment of unexpectency, she didn’t expect Twilight to be right in the middle of her path. This lead to them colliding into each other and crashing through the back door, landing only feet away from a unicorn pony assisting, or trying to assist, her friend. The ponies in question were Rarity and Applejack.

“Are you two alright?” their generous  fashionista friend asked, now taking time to help them onto their hooves.

Once she was out from under Pinkie and had regained her balance, Twilight began to reply “Thank you Rarity, we were just-“ it was then she realized the state Applejack was in. “What happened to you?”

“You would not believe what I had to go through today!”

“Did it involve a bipedal creature who was fast on their feet and liked to steal?” Twilight questioned  in response.

Applejack stood still for a moment, surprised at her friends accurate description. “...Okay, maybe you will believe me.”

Just then, Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere, like the others were more or less used to, and decided to add to the conversation as well. “That guy broke into my bakery, stole food and money, and left me this note!” She then produced the note that was left on the counter, holding it with her hoof by some bizarre means that I’m sure us humans would never understand.

“I found Applejack at the edge of her orchard,” Rarity began. “She was in the condition you see her in now, trying to tear down her own fence in rage.”

“That thing stole from my property! And as I chased ‘im back and forth through the fields he proved to be very dangerous and trickey, as well as smart-mouthed. The varmint only escaped from me not too long ago. If only that fence had not been in my way!”

“Hold on a second,” Twilight interrupted. “Pinkie, can I see that note?”

“Sure!” Pinkie brought the note back and Twilight used her magic to levitate it in front of her so she could read it.

As she was reading her concentration and deep thinking was shattered, the expression on her face turning into that of shock, and she let go of her magical connection to the page, letting it blow away in the breeze. “I can’t believe it...”

“What is it, darling?” Rarity asked, worried. “What’s wrong?”

“Rarity, do you recall Moriarty, the adversary of Shertrot Hooves?”

“Yes, of course I do, but why-”

“That note referred to him.” She began to pace. “Also, if he had escaped from Applejack not too long ago over at the edge of Sweet Apple Acres then he must have at least some knowledge about the area.”

“That doesn’t explain what he is, or why he’s here, and it especially doesn’t explain how he can get from one end of the town and out again so quickly without getting caught.” Applejack pointed out

Twilight thought long and hard for a moment, then spoke. “He can’t be from around here. Not Equestria, at least. He knows too little.”

“It seems to me like he knows a lot.” Pinkie interjected.

“That’s what troubles me,” Twilight responded. “He knows so much, and yet so little.”

“What’s going on, guys?” The four of them turned their heads in unison to see that the remaining members of their group Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had arrived. “Sounds to me like something’s wrong.”

Applejack was the first to respond. “It sure is, Dash. Some thing has been runnin’ around stealing things and causing everypony trouble!”

Fluttershy spoke up, “Did it look big and tall, and walk on two feet, and carry stuff?”

“Yes,” Twilight responded. “Wait. How do you know?”

“I saw it earlier. I was watching the clouds roll by when it came crashing out of the woods. It looked really scary, but kind of frightened itself. It was carrying a branch, and shouting at something. I ran inside, and it must have heard me, because it followed me to the door and...a-and...then it left.”

The group was silent for a moment or two. Then Twilight spoke up. “Well, we know it’s fast. We know it’s out there somewhere. And we know it’s a very experienced thief. Which means it’s probably going to try this stunt again. We need to find it, and make sure that nothing else is stolen, and more importantly, nopony else is hurt.”

“Really?” Dash replied. “No worries, I’ll run it down in an instant!”

Applejack rolled her eyes at Dash’s comment and how it radiated with cockyness. “Don’t get too hot-headed, sugarcube, he was able to outrun and outsmart me all at once. I’m sure he could give any one of us trouble if we ain’t careful. Plus if you go chargin’ in with that attitude you can consider yerself as good as done.”

“Yeah but you forget, my orange grounded friend, I’m much faster than you’ll ever be in the air, and.... well, I don’t want to say you’re stupid but-”

Rarity knew as well as anypony that if they continued this it would only lead to more injuries. “Girls, please, calm down.” Lightning forked through the sky, and distant thunder alerted the six ponies to dark clouds rolling across the sky, momentarily drawing their attention away from everything else. “It seems that here’s a storm rolling in.”

“Of course, the one day I get let off work early they decide to cause a huge storm,” Dash grumbled.

“We should find shelter, that storm don’t look too pretty from here.”

The usually chatty Pinkie finally piped up.  “We could stay at Sugarcube corner!”

“Pinkie, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Twilight objected. “They still need to repair the damages and bake replacements for the treats that were stolen.”

“We could help them!” the pink pony beamed. It was already apparent this conversation was only going one way.

“Fine,” Twilight groaned, not just because she lost the argument but because, once again, Pinkie managed to get the best of her. How she kept managing to do this eluded Twilight, but-

Again lightning arced across the sky, piercing the ground through a tree only a couple yards away. The deafening thunder captured their attention again, reminding them of how fast the storm was rolling in.

“Well, if we’re going inside now would be the best time to do it.”

. . . . . . .

By the time night had fallen, the sky was split by periodic lightning, and rain turned the outdoors into a giant waterfall. Luckily, Brennan had stumbled into a cave; specifically, a den, judging by the animal bones (among other remains) scattered upon the floor. However, the cave’s owner was nowhere in sight. Which was good, because Brennan had holed up and was currently pigging out on his bounty. After all, he stole it fair and square; it was, at least now, rightfully his, and damn the people who try to pry it from his cold, dead fingers.

Brennan had countless candies and chocolates still in his bag, and had eaten most of the other sweets and all but one of the apples, which he kept in his pocket in case his bag was stolen during sleep (in case you hadn’t known yet, Brennan is somewhat paranoid). Brennan munched down another cupcake, and then let out a loud, wet belch.

“Well, that was the most fun I’ve had shoplifting... well, ever,” he said to nobody in particular. ‘Because really, what idiot would go out in this weather?’ He thought. Brennan thought for a moment, then rose from his spot and began to pace. ‘Because really, what idiot would go out in this weather?’ He thought. Brennan thought for a moment, then rose from his spot and began to pace.

“Alright, now that that’s done, down to business. I’ll need to form a strategy if I’m going to survive retaliation, and there WILL be retaliation or these people are less competent than I imagine. Let’s see, in order to emerge from the next ordeal alive, let alone unscathed, I’ll have to form an entirely different strategy for six possible encounters, possibly more. I may as well play it safe; in general, I have the advantage of agility and determination. All I need to do now is master that agility, and apply it to my every opportunity. Better to escape, to move as far away from them as possible, only returning to raid stores for food and supplies in the dead of night, for now at least. Next; in the words of the immortal chief; I need a weapon. And not something for mere mortals, like a branch or brick. No, I’m talking sword or spear or machine gun or something. If it’s enchanted or something, all the more power to me. If not, it’s safe to assume I’m just going to piss them off. Finally, I’ll need to know what I’m up against, besides the six horsewomen of the apocalypse, the ponies of the corn, they of the pastel sisterhood or whatever. There has to be a lot more than just horses here; I’ll have to face those at some point, no doubt.”

“Let’s see,” Brennan pondered, “There are six adversaries I have to worry about right know...”

“Whatever that....thing was, it’ll think twice before stealing from me again...”

“Applejack, bearer of the element of honesty,” Brennan said to himself. “This, of course, makes her a terrible liar, which I can also use to my advantage. She’s an athlete, to say the least, and very strong. I’d say the best way to escape her is to stick to a place on an elevation or slope; she can’t hit what she can’t reach.”

“A whole month’s worth of goodies, GONE! I’ll never catch up on that work! Ooh! Maybe when we capture this thing, we can throw a party to celebrate!”

“Pinkie Pie, or Pinkamena Diane Pie to be formal, element of laughter. She’s unpredictable and somewhat annoying, a nuisance at best and an executioner at worst, depending on her mood. I honestly don’t have much of a strategy for her, given her ability to all but destroy the concept of logic, but perhaps improvisation is the way to go.”

“What if this creature comes back? I think I’m going to faint...”

“Rarity.” Brennan spat out the name like a bad cupcake. “Element of generosity.  Jordan tells me that she’s not so bad, but she sounds like that popular, melodramatic, stuck up bitch that you seem to run into at every school. She can be arrogant, at times, and I can twist that into a knot and strangle her with it.”

“M-maybe it’s just....misunderstood. Yes. It was probably just hungry....um....we’re not....g-going after it....r-r-right?”

“Fluttershy, element of kindness. Under normal circumstances, she’s a pacifist, usually not inclined to violence. I can easily outrun her in a normal situation. But she can be dangerous, perhaps more so than the others, and to believe otherwise is to be a fool. This one’s gonna be tricky, I’m going to need to come up with a completely different strategy for her, but hopefully her nature will mean I just need to avoid her.”

“Alright, this is just a common thief. He’s no better or worse than what we’ve already faced. All we need is a plan, and we’re all set to catch him.”

“Twilight Sparkle, element of magic. Arguably the most powerful being of the six, possibly the most powerful being in this place, Twilight will be a real pain in my dick. I’ll need every ounce of my experience to deal with her, as she is the Holmes to my Moriarty.”

“Who cares? As soon as he sees me, he’ll know he’s doomed. There’s no way he can outrun the fastest flyer in Equestria!”

“Finally we come to her! Rainbow Fucking Dash, Element of Loyalty!” Brennan seemed to find dash the most tolerable, as they apparently held some things in common; an extreme determination, almost bordering on near insane competitiveness, a very fond love of speed and tricks, and a penchant for pranks. “All in all, a perfect rival for me! I’ll need to be smart rather than fast, however; speed is useless against her, as she’s pretty much made speed her bitch. Cleverness will need to be used to obtain victory; cleverness and brute force.”

Brennan had come up with a plan, crude and probably pointless, but a plan nonetheless—and he was stoked to put it to the test. But it had to wait. He hid himself behind a nearby rock, just in case whatever lived here returned while he was sleeping, curled up with his bag and branch, and fell asleep almost instantly. After all, he had a big day ahead of him.

. . . . . . .

As our protagonist Brennan journeyed to the Dreamworld Grounds, another future hero (or outlaw) was taking a late night stroll through the dark woods in another place, another time and, to be specific, another universe entirely.

His name is Jordan.

Yes, the same Jordan who didn’t bother to help his friend because he was busy on Tumblr.

What an ass.

Regardless, he was wandering the dense forest late at night for no explained reason. Maybe he wanted to get away from his extremely hateable family, maybe he wanted some time to think, maybe he wanted to see how long it took for him to get mugged, maybe he just liked dark woods, who knows, who cares. What matters now is that he was in the woods, alone with just his mp3 player, different pair of headphones because his pair from earlier broke because he is apparently the grim reaper of headphones, and the articles of clothing I told you all about in chapter 1.

He walked at a relatively slow pace, making sure to take in the sights nature had to offer and check his back every minute or so to see if anyone was planning to jab a knife into it. He was alone in the woods late at night, after all. He stopped for a moment and exhaled, creating a thin smoke like mist due to the cold temperatures, paused the song he was currently listening to, and looked into the night sky. There the full moon hung, its bright light only being obscured slightly by the high branches of the trees and a lonely cloud. Jordan stood there for a moment before letting out a “hm” and continuing on his walk.

After a few more minutes of walking and listening to music he came to a stop yet again as a thought entered his head, and he spoke aloud; “Wait, why am I even out here in the first place?”

Before he could remember an answer to that question, not that he actually would, he heard a faint noise that sounded... oddly familiar. From where this noise came from, which was conveniently right in front of him, a small glint appeared.

“Ah shit.” This he remembered.

Before the expected could happen Jordan quickly grabbed onto the closet thing he could find, which happened to be a tee. When the glint became a swirling vortex of loudness he held on for dear life. But the pull was too strong and started to pick him off his feet, making him hang in the air from the tree in an admittedly silly way, sort of like in cartoons.

After hanging for a few moments Jordan just said you know what, fuck it, and let go of the tree, letting him get sucked into the unknown while saying in a bad mimic of Red Fox’s voice “I’M COMING ELIZABETH!”

. . . . . . .

By this time, the six ponies who were spoke of by our troublemaking protagonist had finished cleaning up the mess that was left behind by their baking, and the author had been getting really bored writing this chapter. The six ponies each breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well,” Rarity spoke up, “I’m glad that’s over with.”

“Thanks guys,” Pinkie piped up before grabbing each of her friends and embracing them in a big hug... somehow. “You made cleaning go faster than I could have ever done and we made more than enough treats to make up for the stolen goodies!”

“No problem,” Dash managed to choke out, “but could you go a little easy on us? I think our throats are getting crushed."

“Oh, alrightly then.” With that the pink pony released her friends from her iron grip of affection, and her arms snapped back into their regular positions like really big rubber bands. The rest breathed a heavier sigh of relief that they didn’t just die from that death-hug.

As they were putting their aprons into the laundry hamper and putting away a few stray utensils Fluttershy was the first to take a glance through the window at the dark scenery outside. “I think it stopped raining.”

“Did it?” Soon all six mares were looking out the window. The storm had indeed passed and left behind was the calm night, illuminated by the light of Luna’s moon. It was calm, quiet, and peaceful, like nothing wrong had happened all day. For a moment, the threat of the strange creature they encountered was meaningless, replaced by the night’s beauty.

Twilight shattered the silence. “Well, we should get going now.”

Rainbow Dash shattered the calm. “The sooner the better.” The pegasus yawned and starting floating towards the door. “I can’t wait to fly home and take a nice, long nap.”

“That’s not quite what I meant.”

She stopped and let herself drop to the floor. “Say what?”

“Whatever that thing is, it’s still out there. And if it knows we’re vulnerable, then it’ll probably try this stunt again-or worse. We need to go after it.”

“But do we have to go out where it’s dark?”

“And cold?”

“And eerie?”

“Yes, we do.”

“This is the worst plan I’ve ever heard.” Rainbow replied, harshly.

“Well it’s the best I’ve got! Now come on, we need to get moving if we want to make it back in time to actually get some decent amount of sleep.”

The others were hesitant, looking back and forth at Twilight and each other trying to decide what to do. In the end they silently came to the same decision and followed Twilight outside, but dragging their hooves as they did so.

. . . . . . .

Jordan awoke, more or less, and began to notice something wasn’t right. Once he finally gained full control over himself he found out what it was; he was laying face-down on the ground. Eventually he slowly began to push himself off the ground and wipe as much of the dirt he could off of him. When he was done all of that in whatever amount of time it took, he got a better look at his surroundings.

...More or less.

Like before he was sent through the portal it was dark out, he was alone in a forest, and the only light was coming from the moon, but his eyes weren’t adjusted to the darkness yet, which made it much harder to see. He thought it might have been because he was unconscious for a while, or maybe it was from still lingering effects from the portal. It didn’t matter either way, because despite how well he could see it or not there was one thing that caught his attention almost instantly.

He was in a cartoon.

Using the light from his mp3 player, which was surprisingly in the same condition he left it, he could see he fit the cartoon animation as well. This meant that he wouldn’t look out of place like the guy, whose name he forgot, in the “Toon-Town” scene from Who Framed Rodger Rabbit. Unfortunately for him though, even with the light of his mp3 to help him see better, he couldn’t tell what show he was from. It looked very familiar, but he couldn’t tell exactly. In fact when he looked up at the moon he still couldn’t tell, but it was very close and the answer, or lack of, was repetitively poking him at the back of his brain.

“Ah well, I’ll find out eventually,” he finally said, and went back to what he was doing before all of this bullcrap; walking through the woods with no specific direction or destination in mind.

“I need music.” He turned his crappy flashlight to face him turning it back into a music player as it was designed to be. “I should listen to something fitting for this scenery, calm, ambient maybe.” With this he clicked the center button, activating the selected Shuffle All thingey and-

Glaze and The Living Tombstone – Love Me Cheerilee

“. . .”

“Fuck it, why not?”

And then Jordan continued walking through the forest where nothing at all interesting happened for most of the while except for maybe a few times where he was being clumsy and that’s pretty much it.

I’m getting bored writing this, okay?

After a long time of walking and countless songs (okay around eight or nine but he didn’t want to keep track) he spotted something on the ground in front of him. Thankful for the excuse to stop walking he bent down and picked up the note. Even late at night he recognized the hand-writing instantly. “Brennan. Of course.” Normally he wouldn’t care much about the note, heck he would even be grateful that he wound up in the same universe as him, but the contents of the note told him that he had been up to something.

You’ve been Moriartied, Sweetheart!

“Great,” he mumbled, “I leave him for a few hours and he’s already doing shit. I swear...”

His possible remark was cut short when he heard a sound, there was something rustling in the bushes around him.

“Huh?” He stood up and looked around him for the source of the sound. “Who’s there?”

The response was more rustling.

“I know a lot! I know of fictional... things from the Internet and mythology from my friend, so... so I should know what you are! ...or something.”

When he caught up with the sound and where it was coming from it was too late for a sneak attack, or whatever Jordan could do, for it began to rise from the bushes. It’s familiar body was revealed as it left its cover, but Jordan knew it didn’t need to hide. He quickly shielded his eyes so he wouldn’t have to suffer the fate of turning into a statue.

“Cockatrice!”

Knowing well what this thing was capable of Jordan took no time to shove the note and his music player in his pockets and bolted the opposite direction. He ran far and he ran fast, constantly jumping over obstacles and looking back to see if it was still following him, and how close it was to jumping on his back. Ironically this is what lead to even more trouble. As he was looking behind him he didn’t see him chasing him, but this meant he also couldn’t see the log in front of him. As expected this lead to him tripping and falling flat on his face. ‘Again I find myself face-first on the dark, damp ground, with no idea where I am.’

Like earlier he found himself picking himself off the ground and picking the dirt off his face and body. Fortunately for him this time it didn’t take nearly as long for him to get up and brush off the dirt. Oh, and he could see a lot better now. This made it much easier for him to see and recognize the six figures in front of him.

There was an awkward silence between the seven of them, but it was broken by Jordan’s obviously superb linguistic and social skills.

“...’Sup?”

Chap 5: The one that took too damn long

Chapter 5: The one that took too damn long

The night was leaning into its later half at this time, but the moon blah blah blah crappy attempt at describing the scenery in a beautiful way blah blah let’s just get to the fucking point.

Jordan was back to how he started; going through the woods at night. Only this time instead of being in a different universe than the one he was in five seconds ago the big difference was that he was tied up, hopping because part of him that got tied up was his legs, and he was being escorted by the main characters of a show he’s a fan of.

“Could you at least have left my legs untied?”

“No, because we can’t risk you trying to run off,” Twilight answered, double-checking the knots to make sure they were still tight and weren’t damaged in any way.

She, along with Applejack, and Dash, were keeping close to make sure he  couldn’t try something funny. Pinkie lead the way because as we all know she’s hyper and fast and stuff, while Fluttershy stayed behind because she was nervous with Jordan around (him being taller and more menacing-looking than Brennan didn’t help), and Rarity stayed with her because she was going slower anyways with her constant complaining about the muddy ground.

“But this is humiliating! And not to mention unnecessarily difficult.”

“You like to complain a lot, don’t ‘cha?” AJ brought up. In her eyes, and most likely the others’, it was rivaling Rarity’s.

“I have the right to complain; there are plenty of things to complain about!”

“Well I’d save my breath if I were you,” Rainbow growled, floating in front of him at face-level. “You’re gonna have a lot of questions to answer when we get back.”

Jordan stopped hopping and chuckled. “All right, all right, I’ll answer your questions. But be warned, the answers probably won’t be pretty.”

“Whatever, I’m sure it’s nothing that bad.”

Later that evening...

“...and that’s how the human race is fucking itself over and why you should never go to the hellhole where I came from,” Jordan finished before finishing off the tea he was served earlier. He had to suppress and hide his laughter from his audience of seven. There were different mixes of shock, confusions, and horror among the ponies and dragon. He felt bad for thinking it was funny, what with the dark and horribly terrifying subject he had just finished talking about, but they looked ridiculous! ‘They would make great reaction images,’ he thought.

Twilight was the first to snap out of it and manage to speak. “Well, that was... interesting. But that still doesn’t answer a number of things. Like for instance, how did you manage to get here from where you originated?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow spoke up this time, “and what are you doing here?”

“Why do you seem to know so much?”

“What’s the deal with your friend? Why is he causing so much trouble for no reason?”

“How do you plan to leave?”

“How do you plan to knock some sense into your friend?”

“Why should we trust you?”

Jordan managed to break through and silence the questions with a loud and long yawn. “Well, it’s getting late. Time for bed, don’t you think?”

There was a short moment of silence, but everypony agreed it was late and one-by-one started heading out to their own homes for a good night’s sleep (as good as it could get after a day like this). Once all of the goodbyes were said and the door shut for one last time that night the house/library-keeper let out a sigh of relief and turned to her-

‘’Sup.”

...new guest.

. . . . .

That night the dreams of the ponies were filled with curious wonders and equally curious nightmares. There were dreams of many wondrous things; cotton candy clouds over a lands of candy, magically beautiful light shows on a midsummer’s night, caverns of gemstones and other rare minerals, peaceful fields on a sunny day, action-packed adventures in far-away places, romantic picnics with secret crushes, living the life of a fictional hero, and some incomprehensible bullshit. But, as numerous and amazing as these dreams were, the horrors were also plentiful in the sleeping minds; separation, failure, losing everything, mass panic, defeat, unknown horrors, capture, and more incomprehensible bullshit.

But right now a certain young dragon was dreaming that this thing would eventually wake up and get his butt out of bed.

“Come on, it’s been... what, five hours now? You should be awake!” Spike told the lump under the covers, annoyed with the fact that he had to deal with this thing until Twilight got back.

The reply was a muffled grunt, followed by Jordan flipping himself over so he was facing away from the pesky little gecko.

Spike grumbled to himself and left the room, looking for some other means of getting him out of the guest bed. Like a tank, maybe.

. . . . .

Brennan awoke to the sound of birds chirping, flies buzzing...and a deep, guttural snoring.

The creature was home.

Brennan sat up slowly, realizing that his bag of goodies was gone. He crept out from behind his rock and saw why. The bag was under a massive paw, a paw belonging to a leonine beast the size of a tank, with a scorpion-like tail that, surprisingly, didn’t end in hundreds of barbs like the mythos he remembered, a normal lion face instead of the human-esque face he was also expecting, again unlike the mythos, and for some reason bat wings. But, regardless of how accurate to the source material it was, he still knew the beast well. A manticore. And by the looks of it, he had eaten all of Brennan’s food. Well, except the apple he kept in his pocket. That he still had.

Brennan decided against fighting a blood thirsty, poisonous monster for a few chunks of Belgian nuget, and tried to sneak out of the cave. But the floor of the cave, as stated before, was covered with a carpet of bones, and just as Brennan was about to exit the cave a femur under his foot snapped. The manticore snorted in its sleep, but it did not awaken. Not that it mattered, as by the time Brennan realized that, he was at least a mile away, and, because he had forgotten his branch in the cave, unarmed. But it could be...’No. Never say that, because you always say it too soon.’ Brennan thought. Suddenly, Brennan’s throat felt dry. “Crap, I just realized I haven’t drunk anything since I got here,” He said aloud. “Well, better find water.”

A few minutes later, Brennan came across a quaint, picturesque, clean lake. And not relatively clean. Really clean. No garbage, no filth, nothing. Just pure water. “Luck be a bandit today,” Brennan said as he knelt down and began to scoop up water and pour it down his gob. He drank for a few seconds, but then he heard something. Faint rustling, and it was coming from behind him. The creature behind him was too small to be the manticore he escaped, but too large to be just one. It was coming from different directions, and Brennan could hear whispers; not well enough to decipher them, but just enough.

They found him.

As the horses approached him, he pretended not to hear them. ‘If I’m going to escape them, I’ll need the only element that matters; surprise. I’ll need to be quick as possible, and head for the trees. Dash won’t be able to fly at her full potential there, she’ll have to fly overhead or run the risk of getting smashed by a tree. Remember the plan- stay upland, be unpredictable, use every acrobatic skill I can think up.’

“Good morning!” one of them spoke up.

Brennan rose and whirled around to face his opponents, feigning surprise. And he was a bit surprised, as instead of six mares and a baby dragon, Brennan only saw four mares. Specifically, Twilight, Pinkie, Dash, and Fluttershy (which was surprising as well because she was of very little threat, for now at least.) Brennan suddenly wondered if Twilight could read minds, or even practice divination.

“Sorry to disturb you,” Twilight continued, “but you’ve stolen some of my friend’s food back at Ponyville. I assume you can speak English?”

“Who wants to know?” Brennan replied.

Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but Dash cut her off. “We do!” she snapped, flying up so she and Brennan were face to face. “So you had better cough up those sweets, or you’ll regret it!”

“Oh, those chocolates and fruit?” Brennan sarcastically answered. “They’re in a cave a ways back, underneath a sleeping MONSTER. So... be my guest!” Brennan patted her on the shoulder and pointed in the direction they came from. “Off you go, now! Scoot!”

Dash growled at him, but Twilight put her hoof on her shoulder, and she dropped out of the air and sat.

“Good girl.”

“Alright,” Twilight interrupted, “here’s how we’re going to do this. We’re going to escort you back to town. You are going to answer a few questions. And then—“

“Oh, shut the hell up!” Brennan retorted. “I’m not doing a single goddamned thing for you pastel colored, ass-tattooed mutants!”

A collective gasp rose up from the group.

“Oh, did I touch a nerve?” Brennan said. “Because that was totally my intention. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave you in the dust.”

“Oh!? And how, if I may ask, are you going to do that?” Dash asked, lifting off again. “If you haven’t noticed, we outnumber and outmaneuver you.”

“Oh...well, I guess you’re right.” Brennan sank back down, accepting defeat. But just as his opponents started forward, he continued, “But it’ll be a freezing cold, soaking wet day in HELL before I lose out to a bunch of PONIES!” And with that, he threw a bunch of pebbles at his adversaries and took off towards the trees at the side of the clearing in their moment of distraction.

But they were fast to recover, as expected. Almost immediately, Dash was in front of him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

Brennan did a baseball slide under and past her. “I think I’m going past you, Skittles!” Brennan sprinted hard into the trees and kept going, his pursuers in hot pursuit (okay, so it was just Dash in hot pursuit, but the others weren’t far behind either).

“You know,” Dash said, bobbing and weaving through the trees, “I can keep up with you just fine!”

Just to spite her, Brennan suddenly came to a full stop, causing dash to overshoot her target by miles. “See ya!” he yelled, and turned left into the foliage. He ran for a few more miles, finally coming to a clearing. Brennan turned to see if anyone had followed him. And lo and behold, someone did.

. . . . .

Jordan stretched, bending his back and pulling his arms behind him, and let out another long yawn. After letting his arms drop back into their regular place in his pockets and blinking a few times he began to move from his current place, at the doorway to his temporary sleeping quarters, to the stairs leading to the rest of the house/library. He almost fell down said stairs too, making me have to try to fit in a MS Paint Adventures reference, but he held onto the wall and managed to keep his balance as he descended.

When he finally reached his destination at the center-room of the library, he shambled past the two ponies, to whom his only word was “’Sup,” and...

“Wait a second,” Jordan stopped and looked back at the two sitting and staring at him. Now that he was actually paying attention he could see it was Rarity and Applejack, and only them. “Where are the others?”

“They left to go after your friend,” Rarity replied. “We needed as many of us to go after him as we could muster, without brining civilians into it of course.”

Jordan looked at her confused, and also still really tired. “Then why are you two here?”

This time Applejack answered. “Well, I chose to stay behind to watch you, ‘cause let’s be honest, Spike ain’t much of a threat. But ah have no idea why Rarity here decided to stay.”

“Well, I was just thinking you might need the extra help. We wouldn’t want a repeat of what happened yesterday, would we?"

“I can take care of myself! Besides, I don’t think this lazy-”

They had both turned to glance at Jordan, but there was only empty space where they had seen him before their mini-argument.

“Great, we lost track of ‘im already.” AJ was quick onto her hooves. “Now where they hay could he have gone?”

“Yo!” the aforementioned teen’s voice rang out from the kitchen.

“And just what do ya think you’re doin’ in there?”

He poked his head out from the door-frame to speak this time. “Making myself a freaking coffee, if you don’t mind.” He disappeared again behind the wall, mumbling something about mugs.

. . .

Brennan leaped out of the way of a lavender blur. ‘Great. Of all the enemy forces I could have faced, it had to be all *cavalry!*’ Brennan whirled around in a boxing stance, his eyes darting left and right, looking for other potential threats. When he saw none, he focused on Twilight.

“Why is it that you insist on doing things the hard way?” She asked calmly.

“Because the hard way is the fun way.” Brennan replied. “So smart....And yet Oh-So-Naive."

Twilight was mentally tough, Brennan would give her that. Clearly, she was at least irritated, but she didn’t let that get to her. Like Brennan, she could control her anger. Unlike him, however, she wasn’t pissed off from the start.

“Come on,” Brennan taunted, “too scared to go up against somebody in a straight-on fight!?”

For a moment, Twilight just stayed still. But after a moment she complied, breaking into a run, and Brennan decided to use the area to his advantage. Behind Brennan stood a massive oak. While this one was not going to fall over any time soon, Brennan had another idea. He braced himself and stood his ground, waiting for Twilight to get a lot of steam on him. Brennan had to time his jump exactly right...

A split second before Twilight was going to impale him on her horn, Brennan jumped upward, planting his feet on the trunk. On the moment of impact, Brennan used the momentum of the strike to propel him behind her. Twilight staggered, disoriented by the crash.

“Not feeling so well?” Brennan asked, raising both fists over his head. “You’re gonna feel a whole lot worse.” But just as Brennan was about to bring his fists down on her head and put her down hard, he heard something crash through the trees. He had two choices; knock Twilight out, or run. Brennan chose the latter. He turned and bolted deeper into the forest.

. . .

Rarity and Applejack silently watched him from just outside the kitchen, making sure not to make a sound. They just sat there, quietly observing him as he paced frantically around the room looking in the various shelves and drawers for something.

“What do you think he’s thinking of?” Rarity whispered to her partner.

“Ah’m not sure,” AJ whispered back. “He could be thinkin’ ‘bout anything. Escape, strategy, maybe somethin’ about a weapon.”

“Whatever it is, I don’t think it will be good. He gave that whole speech last night like it was just a part of an average conversation, and he seems less intimidated by us than the other one. He even looks more frightening.”

“..."

“...”

“Rarity, this one may prove to be much more of a problem than we thought.”

Meanwhile, Jordan was crouching in front of the open fridge, pondering the many, greatest, and most ancient questions of the universe, creation, and life itself.

‘Where the hell did they put the cream?'

. . .

Brennan should have bashed Twi’s head in while he had the chance.

He ran through the woods, but he used the term loosely, as he was actually leaping from tree branch to tree branch, but he was doing it so fast it seemed as if he was running over them like a path. And yet, someone was still behind him, as a pink blur tailed him at every twist and turn. Just as Brennan would expect from the logic breaker, she seemed to bounce around all over the place, as if she were orbiting him rather than chasing him. Brennan knew this trick. She would circle him at high speed until she saw an opening, attack and run away like a lightning strike, and continue until she got the desired result. ‘Well, I’m not falling for that. But let’s see if she’ll fall for this...’

“Hey!” Brennan called. “Look out for that tree!"

“You think I’ll fall for that!?” Pinkie called back, breaking her formation and running alongside him. Brennan took advantage of that to leap sideways and slide down a nearby slope.

“Not in the way you expected!” he replied. Brennan took off like a shot, keeping to the narrow path and forcing her to run beside or behind him. Luckily, nobody else was catching up just yet, but Brennan admitted to himself that if Dash showed up again, he was screwed. Brennan weaved through massive roots, jumped across creeks, and dove through brambles. Anything to get away from her.  But nothing worked.

‘Jeez, can’t a dimension travelling monster thief get a break?’ Brennan thought. Apparently, they did, as Brennan was heading towards a field of boulders and rocks. The good news was that there was plenty of room and cover. The bad news was that Pinkie was right up on his ass, Twilight and Dash were joining her as well, and the whole trail was a dead end, leading up to what looked like the side of a mountain.

Brennan jumped over and cleared a boulder and darted amongst the rocks, quickly confusing Pinkie to the point that she lost him. Brennan hid, grabbing a nearby stone. And as the three... sorry.... four ponies spread out to search the area, Brennan taunted them, using the echo from his voice bouncing off the rocks to taunt them.

“So Dash!” Brennan yelled, “do you ever get tired of being left in the dust?”

“No!” Dash cried ferociously.

“Don’t listen to him!” Twilight yelled in response from across the clearing. “He wants you to get angry!”

“It’s working.” Dash muttered, low enough for nobody to hear.

Brennan looked around. They were closing in fast, and Brennan saw no exit. But just as hope seemed lost, Brennan noticed a wall of rubble blocking a Cliffside path, with only a small hole as an opening. Brennan ran up and climbed over, using the hole as a handhold, not caring he was spotted. Brennan let them get to the wall and stop.

“You know,” Twilight said through the wall, “Every time one of us chases you, you seem to end up behind something that blocks us.”

“There is always a way out, freak,” Brennan replied. “I wouldn’t mistake my tactics for cowardice if I were you.” And with that, Brennan left, ignoring the jeering and insults of the others. Eventually, Brennan came to another clearing and sat down to rest. Soon, however, he heard footsteps. ‘What? Did Dash follow me alone?’ he thought. Brenan gripped the stone he had tightly and waited. Just as she rounded the corner, Brennan brought the stone down with all his might, knocking her out cold.

But it turned out it was not the cyan Pegasus as he thought it was. It was a greenish coloured uni, her butt tattooed with a golden lyre...

“Oops.”

. . .

They were back in the main lobby, the four of them sitting in a square. At the corners sat, clockwise, Applejack, Rarity, Spike, and Jordan. They were all sitting in complete silence, which seems to be becoming all the more common now, with the exception of the occasional slurp of Jordan sipping his now fully prepared coffee.

Pan to Applejack, giving Jordan the stink-eye.

She glances at Rarity.

Turn to Rarity, shifting her view from Applejack straight across at Jordan, and then sipping a cup of her own beverage, tea.

A yawn from the right catches her attention.

Turn to Spike, who looks bored, or maybe tired, but still keeps his glare fixed on the center of attention in the room.

Slow turn to the final member, Jordan.

He takes a generous drink from his mug, easily downing half of it.

Shot of the four of them, on one side the three natives to this world staring at the invader, on the other Jordan staring back in their general direction with half-closed, tired eyes.

Silence.

...

.....

.......

“So, you guys have Wi-Fi here?”

. . .

Brennan examined the creature, kneeling down to get a closer look. She was obviously a female, or else a very feminine male, as Brennan recalled that other guy. ‘What was his name? Caramel, that’s it.’ She had a short, white and mint striped mane, and her coat was a minty colour too. Brennan checked her pulse; she was alive, just not conscious right now. Brennan examined her head. There was a nasty, purple bruise where Brennan bludgeoned her, but no blood. Brennan regarded her; he did not exactly recognize her, but he did remember her ass-mark. ‘Boy, I never thought I’d say THAT...'

Brennan suddenly heard an ear-splitting blast and looked to the way he came. A violet flash was dying down. “I didn’t think that would hold them for long,” Brennan remarked. He turned to continue running, but paused. After a brief moment, he turned toward the unconscious horse. If they were to find her, Brennan would clearly be blamed (even though it was his fault in the first place). He did a really unnatural thing for him; he lifted the pony, which was surprisingly heavy, over his shoulder and carried her off... to a dead end.

A cliff blocked his path, extending about twenty feet upward. No caves or hiding spots, but there were a lot of handholds.

“There is no way I’m going up that with My Little Heavy Butt draped over my shoulder,” Brennan stated.

“Hey!” Brennan heard Pinkie call. “I think I hear him!”

Brennan frantically scaled the cliff, pausing only a brief moment- “AGH!” –when a protruding rock sliced his hand open. But Brenan managed to climb to the top and hide behind another boulder. Brennan gently set his passenger down as the voices reached the area he was just at.

“He’s gone!” Dash cried out in dismay.

“Look!” Twilight responded. “He must have cut himself on the rocks. That means he had to have climbed up the slope.”

‘No shit,’ Brennan thought.

Fluttershy said something that was hard to hear, but it sounded like “What happens now?”

“We search the cliffs,” Twilight replied. “He couldn’t have gotten far.”

Brennan watched as the four horses turned and left, then continued to climb his way up the mountain.

. . .

“And that’s currently the full plotline of the No More Heroes series.” Jordan finished, and then proceeded to also finish his remaining drops of coffee.

“Well, that was certainly an...” Rarity cleared her throat and tried not to sound nervous, “interesting story.”

There was a grumble of an empty and impatient stomach coming from Applejack. She was glad that she finally had an excuse to get away from Jordan, but didn’t let a hint of it show. “If ya’ll excuse me I need to get myself a snack,” Then, without hesitation, she stood up and made for the kitchen, again making sure as to not seem too enthusiastic about leaving.

Rarity could only watch as her friend left her alone with the increasingly more disturbing alien and the now sleeping baby dragon, concealing her own feelings regarding the situation. She looked away from the abandoning orange farmer just in time to see Jordan watching her as well, his eyes focused on a specific area of her body.

“...Were you just staring at her-“

“No.” She was quickly cut off and he went to sip his coffee, but put it back down with a disgruntled sigh when he realized he already finished it.

“It looked like you were staring at-“

“I wasn’t. I was just watching her. I may be some freaky alien dude from another world to you, but in my situation I’m on another world and I’m practically imprisoned by the locals. It would be safe for me to keep an eye on you, to make sure you’re not up to anything.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“You were staring at it, weren’t you?”

“Okay, moving on!”

. . .

Brennan had climbed for twenty minutes, and could see a ledge just a few minutes of climbing away. The sun was setting, and Brennan was struggling just trying to bear the weight of his new friend.

“Great,” Brennan thought aloud. “I fall ass-backwards into the place I hate most, I get hounded by a mutant rooster, a farmhand, and four of the most powerful creatures here, and now there’s you,” Brennan said coldly.

“Sorry I’m so much of a burden.”

“NYEH!” Brennan almost lost his grip and sent them both falling to their death. He looked back at the pony. “How long have you been awake!?”

“About twenty minutes,” She replied. “Maybe half an hour.”

Brennan tossed her up onto the ledge, then climbed up himself. “Well...from now on, you’re carrying yourself.”

“Yeah, no problem,” She replied reluctantly, and then tried to do just that. The cliffs had given way to hills for the time being, and the slope looked like they could walk up it easily. But as she made progress up, she wobbled as if she was dizzy and staggered a bit, and then she finally fell. Brennan caught her and slid down the slope back to the ledge. For a horrifying moment, Brennan thought he had given her a concussion. ‘This thing is wounded and probably going to die if I can’t help her. And I care! What is the deal!?’

“You know what? Let’s just rest here,” Brennan suggested.

“Okay,” She replied, sitting down next to Brennan. He thought the way they sat was weird, kind of like a cat or something.

“You know,” Brennan asked, “I haven’t asked your name yet. I’m Brennan.”

“Lyra,” she responded. “Lyra Heartstrings.”

“Interesting,” Brennan replied.

“Wait a second...” Lyra said, narrowing her huge, golden eyes.

Brennan gripped the stone he had carried with him and prepared to knock her lights out again. ‘I...’

Lyra leaned back, as if her speculation had been confirmed. “Yep, I knew it.”

Brennan tossed the stone over the edge. ‘I can’t do it.’

“You’re the one who we heard yelling yesterday!”

“No. You’re mistaken.”

“Yes! Yes you were! And I also saw you running from Sugarcube Corner yesterday! You were stealing!”

“Uh-huh. And do you have proof?”

“Well, no, but—“

“The defence rests.”

“I know what I saw, and you we’re stealing! You stole from Pinkie Pie! Do you know how much of a breach of trust that is!? Not only that, but it’s a really bad first impression! Well, I hope you know what’s coming to you, and that you get just what you deserve! You can’t keep me here! Someone will come! MY LAWYER WILL HEAR FROM-!”

THWACK!

‘On second thought, I could totally do it.’

. . .

“Alright, if we’re gonna be stuck together for a while, you should at least make yourself useful,” Applejack told her volunteer new worker as they made their way into Sweet Apple acres.

“Well, at least this’ll give me something to do,” Jordan replied, sounding less tired but still just as bored as earlier. They made their way to the fields of delicious red fruit as the sun was very slowly making its way over the horizon.

When they reached the first of the thousands of trees, Applejack began to lecture Jordan about his temporary job. “Now, first things first we’re gonna need to place each basket in the right spot so all of ‘em fall in. You just need to-”

Instead of paying attention and getting to work or even giving a fuck Jordan was instead laying against another tree, his back bent an uncomfortable looking way, and staring at the scenery whilst listening to his music.

“What they hay do you think you’re doing just layin’ around?”

“Come on,” he whined, “It was a long walk over here. Can’t I just have a little rest?”

“No, I’m already behind on my apple-bucking as it is."

“They’re not doing anything.” He gestured to Rarity lying on a fancy couch (how did that even get there?), sipping from a glass of most likely apple juice, and Spike, who was basking in her very existence.

“Well they ain’t creatures from another universe.”

“That’s racist,” Jordan retorted in the form of a mumble, half-sarcastically and half out of an uncontrollable urge that he blames the half-crazy-social-justice-activist half-sarcastic-asshole people of Tumblr for.

After setting up baskets underneath the first tree, which involved some arguing over the placement, AJ began to talk about some tips for "bucking” the tree.

“Now, the first thing ya need to know about is posture. You need to be...” it was around there when Jordan started to tune out. After watching her move her mouth and making noises he couldn’t understand, he decided to get started on his new job kicking trees in order to make them fall down. ‘This is going to look great on my resume.’ After sizing up the tree, which didn’t really help but it made him look like he was actually doing something, he lifted his foot off the ground, brought it back, and struck the wooden pillar with a good deal of force he could get from his not-really-exercised leg.

After a few seconds the pain finally caught up to him and he was jumping around, clinging his foot and making so many swears it would jack up the rating of the show to “Mature audiences only” in a heartbeat.

Applejack only viewed the spectacle for a moment, before she transfixed her gaze to the tree he just wounded his foot on. All of the apples were in the baskets, which was good because usually it took beginners a few tries to get them all down in one buck. When he kicked the tree though, it made a loud cracking sound, and now she could see the spot was splintered, the tree could probably be snapped in two if somepony else kicked it.

Eventually he stopped his bouncing around in a typical cartoony manor and placed his foot back on the ground, right next to the farmer pony. “So how did I do?” When he noticed his handiwork in front of him he was just as surprised as his mentor. “Uh... I guess..... I did a good job?”

. . .

“Ooooooh,” Lyra groaned, and Brennan looked over from the sunset to see her waking up. “Wha-what the….did you just knock me out again!?”

“No. I dropped you while climbing. There’s a difference.”

“No way! You hit me!” She accused.

“Concussion. You were hallucinating.” Brennan replied.

Lyra was about to reply, but decided to give up knowing this was only going to scenic Nowhere, Pointlessville. Lyra strode up to the cliff and peered down. No way she was leaving that way...

Brennan regarded her coldly. ‘She seems harmless, but I’ll have to keep my guard up. These creatures, especially Unies, are very powerful. At a moment’s notice, I’ll have to either ditch her here if the threat is too much, or smash her head to a pulp if she poses a threat at all.’

“...So,” Lyra asked, “why did you steal from Pinkie Pie, anyway?”

“Like I’ll tell you.”

“I don’t think you’d steal for the sake of stealing. No, you had to do it for a reason. It was too well planned, or you would have been caught.”

“I’m not going to tell you,” Brennan repeated.

“Well, if I’m not mistaken, I think you’re just a scared old bully who was just stealing from Pinkie out of hunger.”

“Then it’s settled...” Brennan replied. “...You’re mistaken.”

Lyra suddenly noticed something. Brennan had wrapped a rather large blade of wheatgrass around his hand, the green stained with splotches of red.

“You’re hurt,” Lyra said. “Let me help you.”

“No,” Brennan replied. “You fuck off!”

“Why are you so...so...MEAN!?” Lyra exclaimed.

“Because it’ll heal on its own!”

“But It’ll heal faster with my help! Trust me!”

“I won’t trust you! I can’t trust you! You or anyone else of....Your Kind! It is an unnecessary risk for me! Besides, how do I know that letting you go won’t end up with you tipping the others off?”

“All this over a cut?” Lyra retorted. “I won’t hurt you! You can trust me!”

“I don’t think s—" Brennan suddenly paused, listening in on the world. There was wind...the rustling of trees...and voices. “Quiet.”

Lyra opened her mouth, but shut up when Brennan raised the new, jagged stone he had obtained. This time, the pointed end was aimed at her; It sent a clear message. Brennan took his concentration off of Lyra for a moment and listened so hard he could have heard the wingbeat of a fly.

“It’s no use!” Brennan listened to her voice pattern and deduced that it was Dash talking. “He must be halfway to Manehattan by now!”

“Not likely,” Another replied. Twilight, judging by her voice. “I can sense him. He’s close.”

Brennan felt the lingering pain in his hand melt away, which brought him back to reality long enough to realize that Lyra had healed his hand anyway. Brennan decided to crawl towards her, and she backed away skittishly. Brennan realized his other arm was still cocked in the air, stone in hand, and he lowered it and leaned in so he could whisper to her.

“Look,” He whispered. “I’m sssss....” Brennan hissed to a stop. “I apol—HHNGH! I’m ssssooor—ERGH! I...um...”

“Yes,” She replied.

“I’m giving you a choice,” Brennan replied, much to Lyra’s frustration. “Either you go up there and provide a distraction, or you keep quiet and go with me.”

Lyra thought for a moment. Then she replied. “I choose distraction.”

“...Thanks,” Brennan replied. It almost sounded truthful...Almost.

Lyra made her way towards the group while Brennan scanned the face of the mountain. There was a single goat path, but nothing else. ‘I guess I’ll have to take my chances.’ And with that, Brennan scaled the cliffs just as the sun was finally setting. ‘Another day, another escape from certain death.’