Wrong student, right place
I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!
...III...
...III...
Princess Celestia and the rest of the Student review board cloped with great vigor! This new student-hopeful: Twilight Sparkle, was amazing! Not only had she passed every test with flying colors but instead of going with the dragon egg test; she had instead opted for the seldom used 'improv' test(where you had to make up some new form or concept of magic that had never been used before!).
...and he had brought back the long extinct Oni! using a mix of Zebra alchemy, some technological ingenuity, two Oni fossils, two strands of hair from both herself and Celestia to bridge the...gap? In their...Codes?(No one could understand what the little filly was saying here). And soon were two healthy Oni babies, one boy and one girl.
"I'm going to call them Tyrone and Wendy!" Said Twilight excitedly.
Celestia smiled as she trotted down to the little filly, "Well, Twilight. Needless to say you've passed! You will now be a student-
STOP!
Everyone turned around in shock as ANOTHER Twilight Sparkle sped into the room, closely followed by her brother Shinning armor "What in the world?" Asked Princess Celestia, then noticed the first Twilight began to sweat.
THIS PONY IS AN IMPOSTER!
Squeaked Twilight as she trotted forward.
Quickly, she used a changeling detection spell...it came up Pony...but...
"Interesting..." She then quickly decided to let things play otu for now.
Shining Armor began to approach Celestia, before the first Twilgith found her voice, "B.B.B.F.F? What are you doing here? Why dose this pony look like me?"
Shining was briefly put off by the familiar nicknmae, but quickly tried to snort it off, "Save it, SOMEONE put a sleep spell on our household. Thankfully, Twilight was so nervous about sleeping in she had 100 magic alarms put in place...99 were shut off by anotehr spell, but the hundredth one was tucked in her smarty pants toy which she keeps snuggled close to her when she sleeps."
"Dang it, I knew that odd number of alarm clocks seemed off!" Thinks the first 'Twilight' in a panic.
"Smarty pants saves the day again, you lying, fake!" shouts the second Twilight annoyed.
"But that doesn't make sense! You personally helped me get ready this morning! You brought me to the school!" Exclaimed the first Twilight.
Before Shinning could shut this down- "It's true, you WERE here, you DID drop off -well THIS Twilight(Celestia points to the first Twilight), we even discussed that date you had with Candance last night at the gilded Stable!"
Shining looked at her dumbfounded, "Wha- I- I WAS IN BED THE WHOLE DAY!" He exclaimed deeply confused.
"STOP LYING, YOU IMPOSTER!" Exclaimed the second Twilight as she got right up to the first Twilight.
"Stop calling me fake, you fake! Have Celestia look me over if you don't believe me!"
"I already, did and she dose seem to have Twilight's magical signature(Her parents gave a sample yesterday for clerical reasons)." Conceded Celestia, while still watching everything amused. "Of course...that's not the only thing I found..." But she kept silent, already silently activating the school defenses just in case their new 'friend' decided to make a runner.
The first Twilight smirked at the increasingly annoyed second Twilight, "There? You see? Straight from PRINCESS Celestia herself, so unless you have anything else to say. I suggest you-
CRACK!
The Male's winched in pain as the second Twilight bucked 'her' in the balls, the fake Twilight's disguise fell away. Leaving a sobbing blue earth pony colt cradling his groin.
"H-How did you know I was a guy?" He gasped out.
Twilight just looked at him confused, "I- I don't know. I just REALLY wanted to hurt you and I just somehow immediately knew that THAT was the best way to do it."
Celestia chuckled. "Ah, good old 'ticked off mare' instincts. Never fails to nail a Stallion in the groin when it counts...Good times...Good times..." She reminisced fondly.
"Speak for yourself." Grumbled all the male occupants of the room to themselves.
Celestia chuckles again at this reaction, the leans over to the unfortunate colt. "Now young man, I think you have some explaining to do."
The colt tries to run-
CRACK!
And receives another kick to his nads from Twilight for his troubles, "Stop running and talk! Or all crush these!" Snaps Twilight as she rests her hoof on top of his genitals and gives it a light squeeze to show she's serious.
Celestia smiled, "She's going to make such a good wife someday." Meanwhile, a still crying colt started to spill the beans.
His name was Dipper Pines and he was trying to insert himself into the school to use it's education and research to further his own special 'projects'. He was planning on bribing Twilight afterwards with him getting her the prestige of being a student without having to do any of the work to buy her silence.
"Too bad, had you appeared just a minute later, you'd have become an honorary student." Said Dipper annoyed.
"Actually, we got here 10 minutes ago, but Twilight was so spellbound by your experiment- points to the still sleeping Wendy and Tyrone -that we waited behind the door to see how this would play out."
Now it was Dipper's turn to be dumbfounded, "Wait...then why did you interrupt? You were about to become a student-
"I want to be a made a student for being ME! Not for what someone else did! What's the point of succeeding if it was through cheating!" Stated Twilight flatly.
Celestia smiled at this statement and regarded Twilight warmly...While Dipper just looked at her in disbelief.
Dipper groaned, "Oh for crying out- I's not cheating. It's just...OUTSOURCING all the heavy lifting to a third party who mutually benefits from your success." Pointed out Dipper delicately.
Everyone just looked at him both skeptically and confused at his 'words'. Dipper shrugged, "What? My Grunkle Stan gets sued a lot, I learned a lot of lawyer talk..."
Privately resolving to talk to this Stan- and possibly Foal services -later, Celestia turns to talk to the peculiar colt. "My dear foal, why didn't you just apply as yourself, your clearly very brilliant. Your mastery of Zebrica magic more then compensating for your lack of inner-magic."
Dipper rolled his eye's. "Oh, yes...an Earth Pony getting into Celestia's school for gifted UNICORNS in UNICORN elite central Canterlot; Hey while I'm at it, why don't I fly to the moon and ask Nightmare Moon for three wishes!" He barked sarcastically.
He then cried out as as Twilight gave his testicles a crush. While Celestia frowns at this colts cynicism. "My word, such a bleak outlook for one so young...and yet...it's not without cause."
The more and more Celestia thought of it...although TECHNICALLY any of the three pony tribes could enter her school...she honestly couldn't remember the last time a pegasus or a earth pony was admitted here...between that, the fact the school was in a densely populated high-class UNICORN majority city and the fact the school literally had unicorn in the name.
"My word, from an outsiders perspective...how did I let things get this far? I mean, I guess since I have a whole country to run I had to delegate to others- Still, that's no excuse. After this, I really need to get my school in order."
While she zoned out, Twilight asked why he chose her to replace.
"You were the most likely to get in- pulls out a long, organized list that almost made Twilight squeal in delight -your a unicorn, you have higher magical potential then most your age, your academics are off the chart, your brothers girlfriend being the alicorn of love gets you connections-
"Wait, hold on. Candance isn't that kinda mare!" Affirms Shining annoyed. Dipper rolled his eye's. "Right, a guy fresh out of high school was immediately put in charge of the royal guard, pull the other one buddy."
Shinning looked at him stunned, "What? No- I- My...there was a surprise... aptitude test...I was...I was...I was higher...then the more...senior officers..." With horror he turns to Celestia. "Did Candance get you to-
A blushing Celestia hastily coughed, "In any case. We'll discuss Dipper's punishment later, right now let's get on with Twilight's test!"
"Wait, you skipped a part of your list!" Exclaimed Twilight as she snatched it up before Dipper could stop her. "Wha- I'M THE CUTEST!?" Shouted Twilight embarrassed.
The cute fillies are always picked first for everything before everyone else!" Shouted An equally embarrassed Dipper quickly, "Don't lie! You know that's what you always look for first! You say you don't, you tell us 'not to judge a book by it's cover, but we all know that's BS!" He shouts to all the suddenly very smug and knowing looking adults in the room. "Oh, don't give me thoat look! It's the same reason shopkeepers put their best looking food in front of the not so great looking one's, for crying out loud- coughs nervously -Whatever! Look, are you going to go do your test, or not?"
...
Dipper had to admit, he was impressed. Twilight was acing everything!...and then came the egg hatching... Twilight was clearly struggling...it looked like she wouldn't be able to do it!
...the look of despairing defeat on the cute fillies face...made the colt well-up.
"No, she's worked so hard! She shouldn't suffer because of some technicality!" He reached into a pocket and quickly pulled out a vial, if he timed it JUST right-
"No Dipper." Whispered Celestia softly as she whisked the vial away with her magic. "Twilight made it very clear she'd rather fail, then cheat...you need to respect that."
Dipper sighed...but nodded.
A sad Twilight turned to the review board, "I'm sorry for wasting your time sir's-
BOOM!
Dipper wasn't quite sure what happened, but suddenly a loud noise and rainbow was streaking across the sky, and now everything was in chaos!
Giant dragon tearing apart the ceiling! Ponies turned into potted plants! It was anarchy!...which made it a perfect time for him to escape! He quickly started to gallop to the door-
And then he saw it, Twilight was so distraught and filled with power overload that she didn't see the giant beam falling down at her! Dipper didn't need to think twice, he knew he was going to die someday, might as well make it worthwhile!
He pushes her out of the way-
CRASH!
...
Sometime later, Dipper groaned as he slowly opened his eyes...and saw Twilight standing over him with Princess Celestia nearby. "Now Twilight, you want to breathe into his mouth every three seconds and make sure to form a tight seal over his mouth." Said Celestia with a smile.
"Okay!" Chirped Twilight as she immediately performed CPR. Dipper's eye's widened as their mouths became one in the same...dang, this felt nice...he calmly relaxed and let her continue...he wondered if he could get away with slipping her some tongue-
"Okay, parties over bub." Said Shining flatly as he magicked the two apart. "I know when someone's faking." He said flatly.
"Speaking from experience I take it?" Teased Celestia to a now blushing Stallion.
Dipper groaned, "Seriously, what happened?" He was suddenly enveloped by the hug of an excited filly. "DIPPER! I'M SO HAPPY YOUR OKAY! YOU SAVED ME! THANK YOU! GUESS WHAT, I GOT MY CUTIE MARK AND BECAME CELESTIA'S PERSONAL STUDENT- Wait, you have a cutie mark now too?!
Dipepr looked down, sure enough...his flnk was no longer blank. Dipper sighed, "Great, now the universe is telling me what to do...wonderful."
Not sensing his mood, everyone leaned over to congratulate him...only to pale in horror. Most cutie marks were naturally open for interpretation and can lead to a wide variety of things...this was not like that at ALL.
It was a bunch of scenes dived in a honeycomb-like way.
First scene: Twilight being attacked by a shadowy entity.
Second scene: Dipper jumping at it and tearing it's throat out in a very graphic way
Third scene: Dipper giving the heart of the beast to a very freaked out Twilight.
Final scene: Twilight ascending into a Alicorn...while Dipper lies dead.
Dipper looks at this interested, as everyone just looks in horror.
"Huh...y'know, I think I'm actually okay with this..."
...III…...
TO BE CONTINUED?
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Author's Note
ANNOUNCEMENT!
I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!
SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!
The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.
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https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963
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https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898
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.......
If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911
...
AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account
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