Something Ain't Right
by Present Perfect
Twilight Sparkle knew just what kind of day it was going to be when she stepped into her kitchen and found a bat pony at her table eating Cheerileeos out of the box.
"Hi, weirdie pony!" said the bat cheerfully.
Twilight's eye twitched.
She could have asked for the mare's name. She could have demanded, in her princessiest voice, just how in Equestria said mare had invaded her domicile during the early morning hours, to roost herself in the castle's tiny private kitchen instead of the big, empty one obviously meant for hosting lavish events. She could have asked where the box of cereal came from, as Twilight had never before purchased Cheerileeos, due in no small part to disapproving of the town's schoolteacher selling out like that.
Instead, in her loudest, angriest, morningest voice, she bellowed, "SPIIIIIIKE!"
The little dragon appeared en scène a mere heartbeat later. He drew back, panicked, as his gaze alighted on the intruder.
"She's here already?" Sucking a breath in through his teeth, he snapped his claws. "Don't worry, Twilight, I've got this. I'll go get Rainbow Dash!"
He flapped his tiny, tiny wings, somersaulting out of the kitchen and into the main hall of the castle. Numerous cries of pain could be heard as he caromed off various crystal faceted walls on his trip to the front door.
Twilight turned back to the bat pony invader. She was really going to town on that cereal box. The sides of the box literally deformed due to the bat's big, dumb head having been shoved into it down to her withers.
It was the sort of scenario, Twilight reflected, that might make one consider having a panic attack. Or a midlife crisis. Or joining a cult of some kind. Perhaps one which worshipped Celestia. Or that sold ice cold water on the sidewalk for only one Equestrian dollar a bottle, in what was assuredly the truest definition of service to other ponies.
A loud burst of applause heralded the arrival of Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon, everyone's second favorite canon lesbian couple. Starlight gave a mighty yawn as she slouched toward the refrigerator, smacking her lips and rubbing at her mussed-up mane. Trixie, mane equally mussed, flourished her cape and bowed to the audience.
"Shout out to the other room!" she cried. From the other room, the applause and cheers doubled.
"Oh boy!" cried the bat pony, having finally extricated herself from the cereal box. With an air of triumph, she held aloft a comic book sealed carefully in plastic.
"I got My Little Dashie! That's my favorite!"
"Wha-wha-what?" shrieked Trixie, dashing over to the box. "M-my Cheerileeos have been violated!" She turned an inimitable sneer upon the bat pony. "The Great and Powerful Trrrrixie has been working on that box for two weeks! That comic is hers by right!"
She made a lunge for the comic book, much to the delight of the studio audience, who egged her on, hooting, hollering and chanting her name so loudly you couldn't actually hear any of the subsequent dialogue. Trixie fired bolt after bolt of magic at the bat pony, who used her natural agility to evade every last one. Soon, Twilight's kitchen was covered in teacups. Starlight watched while drinking orange juice straight out of the carton.
She does that. She pulls that carton out of the fridge every morning and just gets her horse lips all nice and cozy with the cardboard. You know how many germs live on that cardboard's edge? And to think, you poured yourself a sweet glass of OJ just the other day, using that very spout. That means you kissed that horse right on her horse mouth. You pervert. You should be ashamed.
"Okay, everypony knock it off!"
Having had about enough, thank you very much, Princess Twilight Sparkle made some magic happen in her horn, and the other three mares in the room froze, entrapped in purple light. Only their mouths and eyes could move, and those eyes filled with uh-ohs as Twilight lifted a small pen in her other magic.
"It's too early for this shit. I am going to take this permanent marker and start signing faces until somepony tells me just what in Tartarus is going on here!"
"I'm somepony smart!" shouted Rainbow Dash as she zipped into the room. The audience went wild.
Twilight gaped at her. "Rainbow Dash?"
"I mean, I'm somepony who can tell you what's going on!" She pointed at the bat pony. "Darknight Moonwing here was supposed to be guarding my bedroom last night, but she must have escaped. Bad!" she cried, leaping and trying to swat the bat on the rump from below. "That's a bad bat pony!"
"Hecc ur malarm," mumbled Darknight Moonwing, in her simple but beautiful language.
Wait, did I say 'beautiful'? I meant 'stupid'.
Twilight squinted at her. "What kind of a name is Darknight Moonwing?"
"Oh," said Darknight Moonwing, brightening as much as she could while in the perilous grip of Twilight's magic. "All bat pony names include the words 'dark', 'moon', 'night' and/or 'wing'. I lucked out and got all four!" Her cheeks reddened, and she added in a mumble, "But it makes family reunions really confusing."
Shaking her head, Twilight cancelled her spell. Trixie and Darknight Moonwing fell to the floor, squeaking in pain. Rainbow rushed over to the bat pony and bopped her on the nose, eliciting more squeaks. Some weirdies thought it was cute.
"Okay," said Twilight, "I think we're getting off track here. Darknight, would you please explain why you're eating Trixie's cereal in my kitchen?"
"Well," said Darknight Moonwing, "it all started when I burned my cave down one night..."
MEANWHILE, IN QUEEGESTRIA...
Sunset Shimmer craned her aching neck behind herself. The line of people stretched infinitely off in that direction, too.
Rubbing her sore shoulder, she asked, "Pinkie, what are we standing in line for again? It feels like it's been hours."
"That's because it has been!" said Pinkie with a near-lethal dose of cheer. "And we're waiting to buy books, silly! Duh!"
Sunset groaned and hung not just her head, but her entire body. "I just hope they're not sold out by the time we get there. I don't think anyone expected this many people to turn out all at once."
"Oh, they are," said Pinkie, waving her hand. "But don't worry. We still get to stand in this line!"
Sunset's mouth dropped open.
"Pinkie Pie! Why are we standing around waiting for literally nothing when we could be doing literally anything else?"
"Because of all the bennies, Sunset! Duh!" Pinkie grabbed Sunset's arm and did like that Woody and Buzz Lightyear meme. You know the one.
"Just think of all the good this is doing for your health! Why, the average Queegestrian spends an average of ten hours a day just sitting on their heinie! Can you imagine? Sitting, or standing, and even walking can be bad for you if done to excess. But by standing in this line, we're not just standing, we're also walking, every few minutes, just a few steps ahead!" She grinned. "Standing in this line is the perfect way to get off your big butt and get some exercise!"
Sunset grunted in annoyance as she tried and failed to extricate herself from Pinkie's grasp. "Pinkie, I jog every morning. And my butt isn't big!"
Pinkie turned her head so she was looking at Sunset upside-down. "It could be biiiiiiigger!"
The blush that rose in Sunset's cheeks she would later justify as having stemmed from intense confusion and nothing more.
"Good Thing About Standing in This Line Number Two!" cried Pinkie, spinning her body around until she was right-side-up. "I get to spend time with my prized platonic pal who purports a previously pony persistence!" She gave Sunset a great big hug. Sunset, after a moment, hugged back.
"Thanks, Pinkie," she said, keeping the outward signs of her annoyance at a minimum. "Love you, too."
Pinkie hopped up and down, clapping and cheering. She was still hugging Sunset, so things were rubbing on places and Sunset was getting weird ideas. Weird because she really was not into monkeys.
"Now I'm gonna bridal carry you because you're so smol!" said Pinkie Pie, enunciating her meme clearly.
Sunset made a squinting Spider-Man face.
"Pinkie, we literally have the same animation model."
"Buuuuuullshit!"
Pinkie picked up Sunset, wobbling on her feet.
"Oof. Okay, maybe your butt really is that big!"
"Pinkie, I swear to Pony Jesus you'd better put me down or so help me--"
"Now let's get this line singing 'Old Town Road' for the thirtieth time today!"
Sunset groaned and facepalmed. With both hands. Wow.
MEANWHILE, IN A MEN'S BATHROOM OSTENSIBLY RESERVED FOR A CONVENTION DEDICATED TO A BUNCH OF GIANT NERDS BUT ACTUALLY COMMANDEERED BY ANOTHER CONVENTION DEDICATED TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SET OF GIANT NERDS...
Applejack was hanging out there.
She liked to watch.
It was weird and creepy.
We're not gonna get into details, because that would also be creepy and not funny.
Don't do stuff like that, kids.
MEANWHILE, WHERE THE PLOT WAS ORIGINALLY TAKING PLACE...
"...And that's why bat ponies cannot watch over you or keep you safe." Darknight gave a little bow to the ponies who had listened to her long, stupid story.
Starlight clapped politely. She still really wasn't awake, not a morning pony.
Twilight raised an eyebrow in a way that would have made Applejack question her very purpose in the show. "And the point of all that was?"
Rainbow Dash sighed. "I got her to keep me safe while I was sleeping, but she was too busy guarding my liquor bottles to actually be useful."
Trixie gave Dash a questioning look.
"What exactly are you afraid will happen while you're sleeping?"
"It's kind of embarrassing," Dash said, rubbing the back of her head. "Buuut, now that I'm a Wonderbolt and all, I kind of have to worry about rabid fans." She shuddered. "You'd be amazed at what they can pull trying to ask for an autograph."
A single tear trickled down her cheek as she gazed off over the sink. She had loved that sink once. Twilight had been there. She had found it disgusting.
"The lines organize themselves," whispered Dash to nopony in particular.
Twilight sighed. Closing her eyes, she drew in a deep breath and let it out. When she opened her eyes, she spoke in a voice so strong and clear, none in the room with her could take their eyes from her.
"I think we all know," she said, "that where we're headed is the end. But it doesn't have to be the end of everything. Whether a day, a week, a month, a year, ten years, twenty, fifty... No matter how much time passes, we will always carry with us the memories of the friends we made along the way.
"Yet our future need not be defined solely by memory. Each one of us has the power to take what came before us and create it anew. Through our words, our songs, our souls, we will not only remember where we have been but birth into reality new worlds to explore, new friends to cherish, and new stories to love. Where once we relied on others to provide us with fulfillment, we now become the masters of our own destinies.
"The prospect is honestly frightening. It will be akin to growing up all over again, emerging into an adult world where there are no rules, nor schedules, nor expectations, save those which we impose upon ourselves. But we can do this. Together, we can be our own best friends, we can provide ourselves with that which we love, and we can love it just as much as we have loved what was provided by those who came before us.
"It has been a long ride, but it will not end. It's in our hooves now. To those of you who are ready to call it quits, I wish you the best. But for the rest of you, know that you won't be alone. And you will be needed. And you will be loved. I love you all. Thank you for being you."
The assembled ponies stood staring at Twilight for quite some time.
"All that being said," said Twilight at length, "I for one have had enough of this crap." She picked up a salt shaker from the table, made sure the lid was screwed on tight, and winged it at Darknight's head.
The bat pony made a sound like "Yeet!" and keeled over backward. Shocked gasps filled the room. Rainbow dashed over and checked her pulse.
"She's out cold! What the hay, Twilight?"
Two seconds later, the kitchen was filled with the sounds of police sirens. Twilight flipped off the room with both wings as two police ponies bustled in and put her in cuffs.
"Smell you later, losers!" she cried. "I won't have to put up with your crap where I'm going!"
"Where are you going?" asked Starlight, not being too bright.
Twilight grinned as the police dragged her out the door. "To jail, of course! I just committed a salt and bat-tery!"
Author's Note
And we're done! :D If it wasn't obvious, this was my con fic for Bronycon 2019, ergo the many non-sequiturs related to my con experience! I couldn't fit everything in, but aren't we all better for that?
Thanks to Sixes_And_Sevens for suggesting the terrible pun! Thanks as well to Lofty Withers, Zachary Marshel (?) and Flashgen for feedback!
