Legion of Dumb

by luckyboys121

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Grogar, Tirek
Length: 1996

Tired of waiting, Grogar's henchmen decide to confront Celestia directly.... they didn't think it through.

After learning that the Mane 6 and Luna are away on a friendship mission, Chrysalis, Tirek, and Cozy Glow want to attack Canterlot while only Celestia remains. Grogar however is adamant against it so they do the only thing they know how to... disobey his orders and attack anyway. Upon doing so though, they learn exactly why he said no and wish they had listened.

Published 2019-08-11 10:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-11 10:40:01 UTC

Mistakes Where Made

Author's Note

My first attempt at a goofy one shot that shouldn't really be taken seriously.

The idea for this story came about when I realized that the villains in Grogar's team all fit into the roles of your typical group of Dragon Ball Z henchmen (thanks to Teamfourstar for outlining the formula) and it just went from there.

Any constructive criticism is welcome as always, hope you like it, have a great day

Mistakes Where Made

As Grogar sat upon his throne gazing at his latest henchmen, though he used that term loosely as technically two of the three or them where henchwomen, he simple thought, "Was this really the best I could find?"

They didn't seem to notice though as they gave a bow and Tirek said, "Lord Grogar, we have excellent news."

"And that would be?" said Grogar as part of him already knew he'd regret asking.

"My lord, my ventures into Canterlot have revealed that both Princess Luna and her half of the guard have left to negotiate peace and trade with the recently rediscovered Kirin village," said Chrysalis as her bow slightly jolted as she still wasn't used to being on this end of a throne room.

"And my pen-pals back at the School of Friendship said they have the week off because Princess Twilight and her friends are all on a friendship mission to Griffonstone... something about a statue some cyclops guy stole or something," said Cozy Glow.

"I still can't believe some of those pathetic ponies still trust you," commented TIrek.

"Well it is a school of frienship and forgiveness," said Cozy with an innocent smile.

"Which means that the students aren't taught math, science, or anything practical and are subsequently idiots," said Chrysalis flatly.

"Well.... you're not wrong," said Cozy as her smile turned more smug and sadistic.

Meanwhile Grogar considered what Cozy said as he simple thought, "Ah, Arimaspi old friend.... what I wouldn't give to have someone like you again instead of these ding a lings."

After listening to them bicker for a little while longer in hopes they might come to an understanding and be a better team, Grogar finally decided to end this exercise in futility as he said, "So what exactly do you expect me to do with this information?"

The three simply winched back as they thought it would be fairly obvious what they should do. After several moments of silence Tirek approached saying, "Well my lord... wouldn't it be wise to attack now while Canterlot's defenses are at a minimum?"

"No I don't think it would be wise as there seems to be something, or rather someone, you're all overlooking," said Grogar in annoyance.

"AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE!?" said Chrysalis as some of her anger came to the surface at this accusation.

Grogar simply leaned back and closed his eyes as he said, "Celestia."

The three simply stood there for a moment before Cozy said, "You're kidding right?"

"No," replied Grogar without opening his eyes, as this wasn't the first time he'd had this conversation and any frustration at it had melted away into boredom.

"But... my lord. Celestia is a weak fool. I was able to overpower her with ease during the royal wedding," said Chrysalis, somewhat exaggerating.

"And well... she's an idiot. I mean she gave away her magic so I wouldn't get it and then just sat in her throne room powerless. What did she expect me to do just be like 'alright then' and walk away?" said Tirek.

"I never really met her, but I'm just a filly and I managed to outsmart her prized student who supposedly surpassed her in both power and intellect years ago soooo... I imagine her needing a helmet and padding on all the corners in the castle," said Cozy with a slight smile at this image of the solar princess.

Grogar sighed once again as he said, "I don't care what you've seen from her in the past or what you think about her, under no circumstances are you to attack Celestia."

"But my lord-" began Tirek before being interrupted.

"I SAID NO! DO NOT ATTACK CELESTIA!" said Grogar as his henchmen, henchpeople?, left. He sighed for the dozenth time that day as he simply walked over to the table containing his crystal ball and said, "I don't need you to know what those idiots are going to do," before reaching under the table and grabbing several bottles he hid under it. He began mixing a drink as he said, "Whelp, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

Meanwhile just outside Grogar's throne room

The three looked at each other as Tirek said, "So... I think we all know what to do."

"Yup," said Cozy nodding.

"Disobey Grogar and take out Celestia," said Chrysalis.

"Yuuup," said Cozy nodding more vigorously.

Meanwhile in Canterlot castle.

Celestia sat in her throne room sipping her tea and enjoying the first day she truly had to herself in over a thousand years. "Ah, no legion of guards wanting to do everything for me from wiping my mouth when I eat to even following me into the bathroom to wipe... other things, no Luna, as much as I missed her she can be a tad much at times, and no Twilight to tell me about her latest friendship lesson in excruciating detail. Absolutely perfect." Celestia then gazed at the wall clock as she prepared for what came next on one of her alone days as she said, "In three, two, one."

The door to the throne room then exploded forth as Chysalis, Tirek, and Cozy gave their best intimidating walk towards Celestia.

She on the other hoof seemed unimpressed as she continued sipping her tea and barely paying attention to them.

"CELESTIA WE ARE HERE TO TAKE YOUR THRONE!" said TIrek.

"We have all your guards tied up in the dungeon and if you want them to make it out OK, you'll stand down," said Chrysalis.

"And don't try anything funny, because I got a secret weapon just in case," said Cozy gesturing to her saddle bag, genuinely surprised that the mare before her wasn't wearing a helmet but chalking it up to her forgetting to put it in on with no one around to remind her.

Celestia finished her tea and sat the cup down as she said, "Let's see here, the strong dumb one," while gesturing towards Tirek.

"Hey, I'm not dumb," said Tirek

"Right, I'm sure your mental faculties are at a great detriment," said Celestia sarcastically.

"Thank you," said Tirek, not realizing he'd been insulted.

Celestia then pointed to Chrysalis saying, "You're the one with the weird powers."

"I wouldn't call shape sifting weird since everyone in my race can do it," said Chrysalis.

"Yes, but how many Changelings have I ever fought?" said Celestia.

"Fair point," said Chrysalis before shrinking back.

"And AWWWW! I see he went with a cute one this time instead of a handsome one," said Celestia as she gushed at seeing Cozy Glow.

"Aw shucks," said Cozy waving her hoof with a humble smile.

"Now then, where's the one with the accent or manner of speaking that doesn't make sense given where the're from?" said Celestia looking around.

"He kinda.... was beaten by Twilight," said Chrysalis.

Celestia chuckled saying, "Already down one before getting into the castle, that's a first. So what does Grogar call you all?"

"Wait, how did you know Grogar assembled us? And what's with all this archetype stuff!?" said Tirek in anger at not being taken seriously.

"Please, you think you're the first team he's ever assembled?" said Celestia before seeing their faces, confirming that yes that is what they thought, and bursting out laughing.

"He's... he's done this before?" asked Cozy in confusion.

"Well, yeah. How do you think he spent all this time without being caught? We basically have an unwritten understanding where I leave him alone and every now again he hands a group like you on a platter," said Celestia.

The three gulped in realization as Celestia recomposed herself saying, "Now then there was The Dazzlings, The Shadowbolts, The Anti-Pillars, The Elements of Dishamony, and, a little gem from the 90s and my personal favorite, Grogar's Funky Bunch. So again, what does he call you?"

"Um... The Legion of Doom," replied Cozy sheepishly.

"Hm, well that's lazy," said Celestia.

They all stood for a moment before Chrysalis jumped forward saying, "ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH! I don't know what mind games you're playing at here, but I beat you before and I know that I can beat you again."

This simply resulted in Celestia falling out of her throne laughing as Chrysalis became even more enraged saying, "And what's so funny!?"

Celestia let her laugh die down before teleporting in front of Chrysalis with a smile saying, "First off let me just clarify that I knew you replaced Cadence the whole time so your plan was doomed even before you foolishly tried to fight me. Secondly I only let you win as a test for Twilight... and I wanted to see what the Elements would do to you since it would be cool to have a friend who could shape shift, but eh, Cadence and Shining beat you and I got Thorax now so that works too."

"What!?" said Chrysalis before Celestia's horn ignited and a yellow flame appeared beneath her hooves.

Cozy and Tirek simply watched as the flames spread and their comrade dissapeared in an instant. Celestia, her smile never wavering, looked to them saying, "Don't worry, that was just a transport spell to Tartarus.... now then." She then teleported in front of Tirek, who instinctively backed, away saying, "Let me guess, you think I'm a drooling idiot for giving up my magic and then not even hiding from you afterwards?"

"Well I..." said Tirek unable to choke out anything.

"Well once again, that was simply a test for Twilight, one that she thankfully passed this time, and an excuse to visit Tartarus and make sure it was up to snuff."

"Ah... do they still have meatloaf on Thursdays?" said Tirek as he already accepted his fate.

"Indeed they do," said Celestia as she ignited her horn.

"Good, that stuff is so good that sometimes I thought about sneaking back in just to grab a slice," said Tirek before the flames overtook him.

Upon seeing this Cozy Glow tried to slip out the door unseen, only to find that Celestia had already teleported in front of it as she leaned down to the filly's level saying, "You on the other hoof where slightly different as I just wanted to see how far you could get out of curiosity."

Cozy Glow began to panic as she reached into her bag and threw her secret weapon, a little tinfoil ball that she expected to distract Celestia when she thought she was as dumb as a bag of hammers..... that got it's diploma online.

Celestia glanced at it, admittedly tempted by the shiny object, before returning to Cozy and igniting her horn. Suddenly though she scooped her up in a hug saying, "OH YOU ARE JUST TOO CUTE TO PUNISH!"

"Um, thanks," said Cozy in confusion.

"Say, what happened to your parents?" asked Celestia.

"They got in my way," said Cozy Glow as a sadistic smile came to her face.

"Ah, well then I've always wanted a filly, but unfortunately most stallions I meet are about as smart as your friends I sent away. How would you like me to be your new mama?" said Celestia as she stroked the fillies mane.

Cozy looked at her with wide eyes saying, "Will I still get to manipulate every pony around me into doing my bidding while looking sweet and innocent?"

Celestia sat the filly down as she smiled saying, "Kid what do you think I do all day?" before her new daughter gave her a hug back.