S.M.I.L.E. For The Camera!

by TheGuineaPig45

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Flim and Flam, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Soarin, Drama, Cheese Sandwich, Comedy, Royal Guard
Length: 13120

Shining Armor and Flam just want to crash a wedding. Instead, they get kidnapped, accidentally form a boy band, and stumble into the affairs of a secret spy agency. It's not quite what they had planned.

Shining Armor is down on his luck. Princess Cadance hasn't contacted him in a week, and he's starting to question the state of their marriage. Hoping to cheer him up, his roommate, Flam, suggests they crash Lyra and Bon Bon's extravagant Canterlot wedding reception. The only problem? Princess Cadance is there, alongside several unexpected guests who have a bone to pick with something called "S.M.I.L.E." and its agents. One kidnapping later, and the stallions are on the run, fighting (and singing) for their lives.

It does not end well.

A romantic drama-comedy adventure sequel to "A Series of Great Ideas (Or Not)," about coincidences, consequences, craziness, and just how far one will go for love.

Rated T for sexual content and discussion of murder, kidnapping, infidelity, and alcoholism. Reading of the prequel is required if you want the story to make sense.

Published 2019-08-16 12:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-22 21:08:58 UTC

Chapter One: Let's Go Party (Responsibly)!

“Okay, so we've apologized to Applejack, Big McIntosh, Granny Smith, Apple Brown Betty, Apple Sauce, Apple Turnover, Grand Pear, ‘Just Apple’, Apple Pie, Salted Caramel Apple Cinnamon Macaron, Apple Honey--”

“You said that one already,” Shining Armor interrupted.

“Did I?” Flam looked over his checklist. “Oh boy. Why are there so many of them? The adults in this family really need to calm down.”

A week had passed since Apple Bloom had been kidnapped, and Equestria slowly seemed to be returning back to normal. Thanks to the powers of alicorn magic, Canterlot Castle had been restored to its former glory, with a couple minor adjustments to protect it from “runaway” zeppelins. Scootaloo’s windows had been repaired, although Shining Armor was genuinely concerned the duct tape wouldn’t hold. And the Canterlot soup kitchen was in good shape, in part due to its two newest volunteers, who were happily completing their community service hours.

The only thing that hadn’t changed was the hotel room.

Flam, whose mane had returned to its natural red and white colors, was sitting on their shared bed, levitating a long scroll listing all the members of the Apple Family who knew about the drunken incident. Some of them had forgiven easily, like Braeburn, while others forced the stallions to do extensive labor on the farm in order to make up for their crimes. Naturally, the stallions were exhausted, and a little grimy. Flam had applesauce in places he didn't think applesauce should ever be.

“Candy Apples,” he said, using a quill to check off the box next to the name. “We definitely got them.”

“No, you’re thinking of Caramel Apples,” Shining Armor replied, sitting on the hayburger-costume-turned-bean bag-chair.

“Aren’t they the same thing?” Flam asked, putting down the piece of paper. “The Apple Family really needs a new naming scheme. They should name their next child, like, Grapes or something.”

“But they’re the Apple Family.”

“So?”

Shining Armor sighed, then rested his head on the floor. He looked at the wall, which was gleaming from the light of a nearby lamp.

Yellow, he thought to himself. That’s one of the colors of Cadance’s mane. His eyes naturally moved to his cutie mark. So is pink…

“Apple Bruschetta?!” Flam suddenly shouted, disturbing his roommate’s line of thought. “Come on! Now I know Applejack was messing with us when she gave us this list.”

“Cadance loves bruschetta,” Shining Armor moaned, pouting his bottom lip. “We had it on our first date.”

Flam chuckled. “Really? Because yesterday, you said you had caprese salad on your first date. And before that, it was a hayburger and fries.” Shining continued frowning, so Flam came off the bed and patted him on the back. “Hey, man, it’ll be okay. I’m sure she’ll write you soon.”

“But it’s been a week. I miss her.”

“I’m sure she misses you, too. She just needs time to get her thoughts in order. You did drunkenly cheat on her with me, after all.”

Shining took a deep breath. “I know, I know. I’m just sad. As thankful as I am to have you supporting me, I miss my wife. We would see plays together, get massages together, cuddle…”

“Hey, I’m a great cuddler,” Flam laughed.

“Flam, what if it's... over?"

"I'm sure it's not."

"But what if?"

Flam’s ears drooped, but his nodded his head in understanding. After a moment of solemn silence, he quickly perked up. “I have an idea. Let’s go out, hit the town, and do something fun! It’ll cheer you up, or, at the very least, take your mind off of this for a while.”

Shining Armor lifted his face from the floor. “Do something?” he repeated. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. What’s in Canterlot?”

As the two pondered this idea, Flam walked over to the window. Outside, there were several mares and stallions in smart suits and beautiful dresses walking down the street. Many were holding wrapped up boxes or flowers.

“THAT,” Flam said, pulling his friend to the window. “Let’s do that.”

“You mean, go to a wedding?” Shining Armor asked.

“No, crash a wedding. So much more fun! Flim and I did it once, and we ended up giving toasts to a bride and groom we didn't even know! Not to mention, we got three goodie bags each. It’s like a long con, but with no potential repercussions!”

“I don’t know,” the prince admitted. “Seems wrong. We weren’t invited, and we don’t even know who the wedding is for. What if it’s, like, Svengallop’s?”

“I have no idea who that is,” Flam replied, gleefully leaping onto his bed. “But it doesn't matter who the wedding is for. All that matters is free food, games, dancing, and nonstop FUN!” He started bouncing up and down on the mattress. “Come on! It’ll be the perfect night.”

Shining Armor thoughtfully considered this, but still shook his head. “No. Weddings are full of alcohol. Do I need to remind you of what happened the last time we got drunk?”

“Easy problem to solve. We just bring somepony along to keep us in check and make sure we’re being responsible.”

“Like who?”

“This is so exciting!” Boomer cheered, putting on a suit jacket. “I’ve never been to a wedding before!”

“Weren’t you at my wedding?” Shining Armor pointed out, attempting to tie his tie with magic. His knot somehow ended up looking like a gift bow.

“Sure, but as a guard, not as a guest!” the pegasus admitted. “What’s it like? How am I supposed to act? Do I have to bring a gift?”

“Fun, like yourself, and no,” Flam responded rapid-fire, barely batting an eye. “Just don’t stress yourself out, Boom. The whole point of crashing is to cut loose and have a good time!” He turned to Shining Armor, whose tie was now somehow looking like an origami crane. “Do you, by any chance, need help with that?”

“What gave you that idea?” the prince joked. The magic aura around the tie changed from pink to green, and it slowly wrapped itself into a Windsor knot. “Thank you.”

“Hey, you lent us these sweet suits,” Flam said, admiring himself in the hotel room’s bathroom mirror. “Having these in your luggage was the best coincidence EVER. We’re gonna look like we belong at the wedding, and it didn't cost us a bit!”

“You two are so hot,” Boomer mused, staring at the stallions. “If you two weren’t in such a committed relationship, I’d date you both.”

“We’re not in a relationship,” Flam corrected. “We’re just two stallions who happen to share a hotel room and sleep in the same bed. It’s totally platonic.”

“Sure.”

The pegasus winked, and both unicorns rolled their eyes. Shining Armor peeked out the window, and saw a steady stream of stallions walking by below them, all fancily dressed. “If we leave now, we should be able to blend into the crowd with ease,” he observed. “So let’s get going! The night is young!”

“I thought you weren’t on board with this,” Flam chuckled, wrapping a leg around his roommate. “Something change?”

“Well, seeing us all together in these fantastic suits made me realize something… I need a guys night out. I’ve been spending so much time and energy worrying about my wife, but not nearly enough on the friends I’ve got right in front of me.” He smiled. “I chose to live with you, Flam, because, one, I needed someone to split the cost of the room with, but two, because I wanted to hang out with you more. So let’s do it! Let’s spend some quality time together!”

“Yeah! Let’s go party responsibly!” Flam laughed, walking out the door with the prince. “That should be the new motto of the Unicorn Squad.”

“I like it!”

The two hoof-bumped, and giggled as they skipped through the halls of the hotel.

“Yup,” Boomer muttered to himself, following behind them. “Definitely not in a relationship.”

The mare looked at her watch. It was only twenty more minutes until the wedding ceremony. Then, she could finally complete her task.

Yes, her assignment was vague, at best, but she had a feeling in her bones that she'd know the stallions when she saw them. After all, how common was such a group of ponies? She wasn't worried. In fact, the mare was as ready as she'd ever be.

No matter what she had to do, who she had to take out, she would have her revenge on S.M.I.L.E. and its agents. And that was final.

Chapter Two: One Hundred And Seventy-Six Days

The Sapphire Château was a beautiful place for a wedding.

An old building designed in the times of Starswirl the Bearded, but continuously renovated through generations, it was a gorgeous spectacle of modern technology and ancient architecture.

The main ballroom had been covered with white, blue, and pink tablecloths, balloons, and centerpieces made to look like hearts. There were ten tables, alongside a bar, a big stage, and an even bigger dancefloor, which was already home to at least a hundred guests. The lights had been dimmed down and colored blue, and DJ Pon-3 was blasting her signature tunes. Off to the side, safe from the partying guests, was a cornucopia of pies, in place of a traditional wedding cake.

Above the pies was a banner reading, CONGRATULATIONS, LYRA HEARTSTRINGS AND BON BON!

The stallions looked at the stunning display in awe.

“If my wedding wasn’t a royal wedding,” Shining began, looking at the ornate chandelier above his head, “I would’ve wanted it to be like this.”

“It’s quite a sight,” Flam replied, gazing at the lights. “Too bad we missed the ceremony. I’m sure it was beautiful.”

“True, but sneaking into the wedding reception was far easier,” Boomer said. “I mean, all we had to do was walk in! Easy as pie. Speaking of pie, I’m going to get me a slice!” He started walking off, but Shining Armor grabbed his tail and pulled him back.

“Sorry, Boom,” the prince explained, “but you don’t serve yourself at a wedding. You sit at a table and wait for food to be placed on your table.”

The pegasus groaned. “But that doesn't make any sense. I’m hungry now! And we don’t even have a table!”

Flam laughed. “Oh, don’t you worry your sweet little head. We’ll have tables before the appetizers come out, guaranteed. We just have to blend into the party first.”

Shining and Boomer nodded, and the three advanced past the entrance, inserting themselves in the crowd of well-dressed, twirling ponies. Since there were at least two hundred ponies there, not a soul questioned their presence. Not even Lyra and Bon Bon, who they ran into by the bar. Both members of the couple were wearing wedding dresses to match the other's coat color.

“Congratulations on the marriage!” Boomer said to them, walking by. “You are most adorable couple I’ve ever seen!”

“Thanks!” the newlyweds replied in perfect harmony.

The three stallions sat down at a random, unoccupied table, and just took in their surroundings. A lot of ponies they knew were there, from Twilight Sparkle to Jet Set, cutting loose and enjoying themselves. There wasn’t a single pony without a smile in the room.

“Oh my goodness,” Flam gasped, looking at the nametag for the seat he had stolen. “Apple Bruschetta is REAL.”

“Guess we owe them an apology,” Shining Armor replied. “But let’s save that for tomorrow. Tonight’s a night of relaxation and fun. No worrying about kidnapping Apple Bloom or estranged couples. Especially because we’re celebrating a couple that is very much so not estranged!”

“I love your energy tonight, Shiny!” Flam laughed. “How about I put that spirit to the test on the dance floor?”

“Let’s do it!”

The two unicorns got up and headed toward the wedding’s current hotspot, but were stopped by an Earth Pony with a gamboge coat and a poofy brown mane, dressed in a striking, bright yellow suit.

“Hey, you two!” he chirped, his voice cheery and full of life. “I don’t remember seeing your names on the guest list!”

“Well, I don’t remember seeing yours either,” Flam replied. “But that’s probably because I don’t know your name, nor have I seen the guest list.”

The pony laughed, and held a hoof out to the unicorns. “I’m Cheese Sandwich, super duper party pony extraordinaire!” Flam smiled and reached out to accept the hoof shake, but Cheese quickly retracted at the last second. “Wait, let me take the joy buzzer off first.”

Who brings a joy buzzer to a wedding…? Shining Armor thought.

“My pal Pinkie Pie and I planned this whole shebang!” Cheese explained, stuffing his prank machine under his hat. “But when we set up the guest list, I don’t exactly remember Shining Armor being listed.”

“We’re wedding crashers,” Flam admitted, prompting a facehoof from Shining Armor.

“Ah! Well, who could resist a party like this! Invitation or not, you’re welcome to stay! Have some pie! Take a goodie bag on your way out! We made extra for a reason! Mainly because I was worried Boneless would take too many, but this works too!”

Cheese Sandwich bounced away, a spring in his step. Shining Armor’s jaw hung open for a moment.

“You’re so good at talking your way out of things,” he said to Flam, continuing their path toward the dance floor. “Why did you decide to tell the truth to the one pony who could kick us out?”

“He seemed nice,” Flam replied with a shrug. “Besides, now we have permission to take the goodie bags, which is great because I saw chocolate pennies inside! And let me tell you, swimming in those feels much better than swimming in actual bits!"

Shining laughed. “As long as we do nothing particularly illegal tonight, I’ll be happy.”

The two made their way to the dance floor, and began letting loose. DJ Pon-3's beats worked considerably well with both Flam's more theatrical moves and Shining's clunky steps, so the two didn't have to feel looking awkward or being out of place. They could just dance together, not a care in the world.

"Great moves!" Bon Bon called out, kissing Lyra on the cheek as they danced in a clump with five stallions.

"Hey, you too!" Shining responded, giddy with joy.

When it came time for the Pony Prance, they were joined by Boomer, and the trio were having the time of their lives.

“This is way more fun than guarding,” Boomer laughed, busting a move. “I mean, as much as I love counting all three hundred and forty-five bolts in the ceiling, nothing beats dancing!”

“It’s moments like these that really help me appreciate the ‘Magic of Murder’,” Flam agreed. A few concerned ponies crept away from him, while one green mare began staring at him.

Shining Armor was about to chime in, when his eyes suddenly met with another pony’s across the dance floor. He immediately stopped dancing.

“Oh no,” Shining gasped, leaping behind Boomer. “It’s Soarin.”

“Oh, I know him!” Flam said, finding the Wonderbolt in the crowd. “He chased us when we were escaping on the train to Canterlot! That’s a fun coincidence! Let’s go say hi.”

“NO!” Shining shouted, causing both of the other stallions to jump. “He’s Cadance’s ex-boyfriend! They dated for one hundred and seventy-six days before she started dating me!”

“You know the exact amount of days?”

“It was a very trying time for me!”

“Is this the kind of drama that always happens at weddings?” Boomer asked, a big grin on his face. “Cause I’m living for it.”

Flam rolled his eyes. “Come on, Shiny! This is our guys night out, remember? You said it yourself; we're not supposed to be worrying about--”

“Cadance,” Shining Armor wheezed.

“Exactly!”

“No, Cadance.”

The dumbfounded prince pointed across the room. Flam and Boomer looked, and sure enough, on the opposite side of the dance floor, was Shining Armor’s wife.

Talking to Soarin.

“Does anypony have some popcorn?” Boomer asked. “Cause this feels like a popcorn moment.”

“Why didn't I think about this?” Shining panted, beginning to hyperventilate. “Lyra was one of her bridesmaids! Of course she’d be here!”

Flam put his leg around Shining’s back, and led him off of the dance floor. “Hey, buddy. Calm down. Everything is alright! You’re fine.” He sat them back down at Apple Bruschetta’s table. “Sure, Cadance is here, but you don’t have to talk to her. You can just avoid her! Our guys night out doesn't have to end here!” His voice was trembling slightly. “We were having so much fun!”

“She’s talking to Soarin,” Shining Armor said. “Soarin gets all the mares! He dated, like, ninety percent of the girls at my school!" A pause. "Okay, maybe that's a bit of a hyperbole, but still! My marriage is DOOMED!”

“You’re being irrational,” Flam replied. “Whoa, that felt weird coming out of my mouth." He shook himself out. "Just breathe, Shiny. You need to calm down. You're just being emotional. For all you know, they could just be reconnecting.”

“They dated in high school, and now they’re fully grown adults with nothing in common! What could they possibly have to talk about?!”

“I dunno. Taxes?”

In the corner of his eye, Shining Armor noticed Soarin, who was wearing his formal officer’s gear, flying toward him. “He’s coming over to us!” the prince gasped. “Flam, help me! You’re great at talking! Please, persuade him to leave!”

Before Flam could respond, Soarin landed, and Shining Armor zipped under the table. Flam and Boomer nervously smiled at the Wonderbolt.

“Did Shining Armor just hide under a table?” he asked. Flam sighed and nodded his head. “Huh. I saw him staring at me earlier. Did I do something…?”

“For one hundred and seventy-six days,” Boomer replied. Soarin raised an eyebrow.

“He’s, um, going through a midlife crisis,” Flam improvised, scratching his head. “Yesterday, he bought a yacht, and then donated it to the Ponies In Need of A Yacht Foundation, and yet, still, he felt unfulfilled."

“How have I never heard of that?” Soarin asked, taking a seat at the table. Shining saw his legs appear under the table and moaned. “The Wonderbolts love supporting charities.”

“Uh, it’s new. And very real, I might add.”

“You’re killing it!” Boomer whispered into Flam’s ear.

Trying to escape, Shining Armor began crawling out from under the table. However, as he lifted the tablecloth, his nose collided with something. It was Cheese Sandwich’s face.

The prince squealed.

“That was an interesting sound!” Cheese said, joining the unicorn under the table. “Is everything okay? I sensed somepony not enjoying the party in this area, and, well, I can’t have that! Here, take a rubber chicken.” He pulled one out of his hat, and placed it on Shining Armor’s head.

“How is this supposed to help me?” Shining asked. “I need to win back Cadance, not put on a comedy show!”

“What about a comedy show to win back Cadance? Eh?" He wiggled his eyebrows. "How about that?”

Shining Armor sighed. Why do I attract the strangest ponies… He continued trying to crawl away, but accidentally banged his head on the table.

“Oh my goodness!” Soarin gasped, pulling him up. “Are you okay, Shining Armor?!”

“Just peachy,” the stallion groaned, as Cheese Sandwich emerged beside him. “So great to see you, pal!”

“Yeah! Hey, Cadance and I were just talking about you.”

Shining gasped. “You were?!”

“Oh no,” Boomer said. “I was wrong. This is a popcorn moment!” As he began scanning the room for snacks, he noticed a green mare with a yellow mane staring directly at the table. He looked away for a second, then looked back at her. She was still staring at them, only now, she was closer. “Hey, do any of you know that pony?”

“Not now, Boomer,” Shining said, staring down Soarin. “What were you talking about?”

The Wonderbolt backed away. “Hey, man, no need to get so defensive.”

The green mare continued approaching. Boomer looked around, and there were four other ponies scattered around, moving in on the table. “Um… guys?”

“Might I suggest you take this elsewhere?” Cheese said, pulling Shining back. “We wouldn’t want to disrupt Lyra and Bon Bon’s special day!”

“Shining, remember the last time you confronted somepony at a party?” Flam added, helping Cheese pull the prince back. “You got drunk and kidnapped Apple Bloom!”

“Wait, you kidnapped Apple Bloom?!” Cheese asked, taken aback.

"It's been a week."

Suddenly, a shout came from across the room. “RUN!” The voice belonged to Bon Bon, who, alongside Lyra, was dashing toward the stallions as fast as she could. The group of ponies surrounding them had grown close, and was now leaping toward the table.

Before Shining Armor could react, he felt a hoof, wrapped in a wet towel, cover his nose and mouth. He struggled to escape its grasp, but his vision slowly began to blur.

And then everything went black.

Chapter Three: Teamwork Makes The Dream Work... Almost

When Shining Armor came to, everything was still black.

What the… Why can’t I see? he thought to himself. He turned his head, but still, his eyes were met with a void of nothingness. What is going on?

Thinking something was wrong with his sight, the prince tried rubbing his eyes. However, when he tried to move his hooves, he could barely reach his face. From his sitting position, he tried moving his legs apart, but couldn’t. Hoof cuffs?! His heart was racing. Confused and afraid, Shining went to stand up, but instead found a rope around his torso, preventing him from moving very far. Eventually, it hit him.

Great. Just great. I’ve been kidnapped.

Sighing, the prince tried levitating whatever was on his head, blocking his vision, but found his magic wasn’t working. Work, horn! This is the WORST possible time for you to malfunction! He strained himself, trying to ignite even a spark of magic, but to no avail. Groaning, he leaned backwards in anguish, only to feel with the tickle of feathers.

“Hello?!” Shining asked, rocking whatever was attached to him back and forth. “Is somepony there?”

“Shining Armor? Is that you?” It was Boomer. “I can’t see anything!”

“Neither can I,” the unicorn replied, trying to wiggle out of the ropes. “I think there’s bags over our heads, and we seem to be tied together.”

A gasp. “Oh, no. I thought you learned your lesson about kidnapping, man! Why’d you gotta do this to me?!”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Why would I kidnap myself?!” he shouted. “We’re in the same situation here, Boomer! I can’t move! I’m literally in hoof cuffs!”

“Wait, are they like the pink, fluffy ones?”

“Does it matter?!”

“Hey, I just want to know what we’re in for.”

Shining tried to facehoof, but again, his hooves couldn’t reach his face and he almost lost his balance. “Okay, Boomer, we both went through the Royal Guard boot camp, and they taught exactly how to get out of situations like this one.”

“They did?” the pegasus asked. “Huh. Must’ve slept through that part.”

“How in Celestia’s name did you become a royal guard?”

“Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you.”

Shining Armor groaned. “Look, we need to make a shim out of a mane barrette. Do you happen to have one on you?” Boomer shook his head, which Shining Armor couldn’t see, so he took the silence as a no. “Crud. If only Cadance were here…”

Boomer gasped. “Maybe she is!”

“I can’t see, but if she’s here, I’m going to be very, very upset.”

“No! I mean, we’re still wearing your suits. If you’ve gone to events with Cadance wearing these, maybe there’s a chance one of hers is in the pockets!”

Shining Armor quickly began patting himself down. While he may not have been able to reach his face, his pockets were at just the perfect height for his cuffed hooves to reach. He searched inside, and sure enough, there was something that felt like a barrette.

“Okay, now I see why you’re a Royal Guard,” the unicorn chuckled, fidgeting around with the accessory. He inserted it where the hoof cuffs locked, and sure enough, he was able to open it up and break free. “Haha! It works! Now, Boomer, extend your wings as hard as you can, Maybe we can loosen the knot on this rope.”

“You got it, Mr. Bossman!” The pegasus spread out his feathery appendages, and, sure enough, with enough force, the rope snapped.

Shining Armor squealed in excitement.

“Yes, yes, yes!” he cheered, leaping into the air. He ripped the bag off his head and twirled. “Haha! We did that! Hoof-bump!”

Bommer tilted his head. “Um, I still can’t see where your hoof is.”

“Oh, right.”

Shining Armor used his teeth to rip off the guard’s bag, then made quick work of his hoof cuffs. The pegasus stood up and hugged the unicorn. “Teamwork at its finest.”

Now that they had both been freed, the two took a moment to observe their surroundings. The area was dark, but there was natural light seeping in through the cracks in the seemingly cloth walls and ceiling. The floor beneath them was wooden, and felt like it was vibrating slightly. Boomer listened intently, and heard the noise of wood creaking, and something rolling. His face lit up.

“Dude!” he exclaimed, grabbing onto Shining Armor’s face and bringing it way too close to his own. “I think we’re inside a horse-drawn carriage! Oh, man! I’ve always wanted to ride one of these! Not like this, of course, but I mean, if this is how I cross something off of my bucket list, then so be it!”

Shining gasped. “No, no, no! A horse-drawn carriage is bad! It means somepony is taking us far away from Canterlot! We need to get out of here!” He tried running toward a wall, but tripped over something and fell flat on his face.

“Smooth,” Boomer laughed. Shining glared at him, then looked on what he tripped over.

There was Flam, bag over his head, his hooves duct taped together behind his back.

And he was tied to Soarin.

“Tartarus!” Shining cursed, putting his face in his hooves. “Why is he here?!”

Boomer gasped. “He’s your boyfriend! I thought you’d be ecstatic to see him!”

“Not Flam! Soarin!”

“So you admit Flam is your boyfriend, then?”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Just help me free him, please.”

The two crouched down lifted the bags off the other stallions’ heads, who were both still unconscious. Shining tried pulling off the duct tape, but it was wrapped too tightly around Flam’s hooves and wouldn’t come off. He tried biting through it with his teeth and slicing it with his horn, but neither were successful.

“Why do we put criminals in hoof cuffs when duct tape is clearly more effective?” Shining asked, briefly getting his horn stuck to the tape.

“Well, if you get sweaty or wet,” a voice behind them began, “duct tape is actually really easy to break out of.” It belonged to Cheese Sandwich, who was upside down in a corner, balancing on his bag-covered head. As he said this, he demonstrated by slipping out of the duct tape that was around his own hooves. “I duct taped myself to the wall for a party once. Woo! That one was a doozy! Let me tell you, sticky things and curly manes are not friends!”

“You’re here, too?” Boomer asked, scratching his head. “They just kidnapped everypony at the table, it seems.”

“Wait, we’re being kidnapped?!” Cheese gasped, tipping over so the bag fell off his head. “I thought we were headed to Lyra and Bon Bon’s after party!”

Shining shook his head. “You got tied up, and your first thought was I’m headed to a PARTY?!”

“Hey, some ponies are into some weird stuff. I don’t judge!” As Shining Armor and Boomer looked at him, he cracked up and started rolling on the floor, laughing. After almost grating twenty seconds of that, he shot up like a pole, completely serious. “I have the perfect thing to cut that duct tape!” He reached inside his mane and pulled out a knife.

“Boomer, we are going to die today,” Shining whispered, backing away from Cheese. “I can just feel it.”

The earth pony pulled out a knife sharpener and began rubbing the blade against it. “I use this for cutting cakes, pies, pumpkins, sometimes giving myself a manecut--”

“I’ll take that.”

Shining Armor quickly took the knife away from Cheese, placed the handle in his mouth, and walked over to the remaining captive stallions.

That’s when Soarin woke up and opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was Shining Armor standing above him, carrying a knife.

Naturally, he screamed and kicked the prince in the face.

“Oww!” Shining cried, dropping the blade to the floor. “What was that?!”

“Says the pony with the knife!” Soarin shouted, unsuccessfully trying to move away. He looked down what was binding him and gasped. “I know you’re upset that I was talking with Cadance, but you didn't have to kidnap me and kill me!”

“I wouldn’t do either of those things!”

“You already kidnapped Apple Bloom!”

“Wait, can I get some clarity on that?” Cheese asked, walking between them. “Cause ponies keep mentioning that, and I feel like I might need some context if I’m going to keep rolling with you.”

“Nopony’s rolling with anypony!” Shining groaned. “We’re being kidnapped!”

“Huh?” Flam yawned, opening his eyes. “Oh no. Did we get drunk and kidnap somepony again? Man, I really thought we had learned something from the last time!”

“Did you commit murder last time, too?” Soarin asked, trying to wiggle himself free. “Cause Shining Armor is trying to!”

Flam gasped. “Honey! Jealousy is natural, but you’re taking this way too far!”

They heard a door open and shut behind them, and they all turned around. Emerging through one of the cloth openings was a small head, belonging to an earth pony wearing a black ski mask. She looked into their frightened eyes, and gasped.

“I knew I heard something back here!” She signaled to something behind her, and two similarly dressed unicorns appeared, their horns glowing. “Get down right now, or else!”

“Or else what?” Flam asked, genuinely confused.

The unicorns laughed. “Ahh, I see. We got a stallion over here who thinks he’s brave.”

“No, no, no,” Shining corrected. “Brave is most certainly not the right word!”

“All of you, down to the floor, hooves behind your head!” the mare yelled, to which Boomer, Cheese, and Shining obliged. She turned to her unicorn companions. “Tie them up again. But better this time. Can’t have the S.M.I.L.E. agents slipping out of our hooves!”

“Smile?” Cheese asked, getting a new bag tossed on his head. “As in, come on everypony, smile, smile, smile, fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine--”

“Is that the agency’s anthem?” one of the masked unicorns asked. “It’s awful!”

“Hey! I'm quite fond of the musical stylings of Pinkie Pie!”

The mare grinned. “Pinkie Pie?” she said curiously. “Hmmm. An interesting name. We’ll have to look into that.”

After successfully tying up Cheese, the two unicorns walked over to Shining Armor and Boomer. The latter winked at the former.

Boomer, please don’t do what I think you’re about to do.

Without warning, Boomer dove for the knife on the ground, but overshot by a couple of feet, and instead crashed straight through the cloth.

Falling outside.

“That was totally intentional!” they heard him scream. His voice grew further and further away.

“NO!” the masked ponies shouted. They tried to jump onto of Shining to pin him down, but he expertly dodged and ran over to Cheese Sandwich, who had somehow already freed himself again while nopony was watching. The two gave each other a nod, then made a mad dash for the bundle of Flam and Soarin, secured their hooves around it, and leapt out through the same opening.

They fell on a dirt pathway, and rolled down a hill of dirt and trees.

“Woohoo!” Cheese Sandwich cheered as he slid down the forested terrain. “This is so much fun!”

“We have very different definitions of that word!” Shining screamed.

As they disappeared, one of the masked unicorns peeked out from the carriage, which was still being pulled away. “I can’t see them anymore! Stop the vehicle!”

The mare pulled him back inside. “It’s fine. Let them run for now. They can’t go very far.” She laughed. “No matter where they go, we’ll find them.”

“What if they go into, like, the ocean or something? We’re not prepared for that!”

“Shut up and search. We’ve got stallions to rein in.”

Chapter Four: Icebreakers

SPLASH!

Shining Armor, Flam, Soarin, and Cheese Sandwich had all rolled down the muddy, tree-covered hill, falling right off a small cliff into a rolling river.

They were not pleased.

“Crud!” Shining Armor shouted, as the four got pulled by the current. “This is not how I wanted to spend my night! Not even close!”

“This is actually about what I'd expected,” Cheese admitted.

As their suits and manes got soaked with dirty water, the stallions continued being strung along by the sheer force of the river. Shining and Cheese tried to fight the current, with little success.

“If I’ve learned anything from movies,” Flam said, still tied to Soarin, “it’s that there’s always a waterfall at the end of these! And I’m not exactly in the mood to go barrel-riding, especially since we don’t have a barrel!”

Shining took a deep breath, relaxing his muscles. “Everypony, we need to stay calm! Lie on your back, look downstream, and breathe with the flow of the water! We’re going to have to maneuver ourselves into calmer water!” He followed his own instructions, as did Cheese.

The other two were not so successful.

“I can’t get on my back!” Soarin pointed out. “There’s a pony on my back! A pony who is a known kidnapper!”

“It was one time, okay?” Flam scoffed, getting tossed around by the turbulent waves. “Cut me some slack!”

“And you’re a kidnapper, too, Shining Armor! How can I trust you?!”

“Can somepony please explain this kidnapping thing?!” Cheese asked. “Cause I’m a little concerned.”

Before anypony could respond, a shadow appeared above them, blocking the moonlight. It was Boomer, flying over the river, watching the stallions be thrashed about by the waves.

“Yo, guys!” he called out. “I’m here to rescue you!”

“So rescue us!” Shining shouted back. “Don’t just fly up there and let us drown!”

“Oh, right. Coming!”

The pegasus swooped in, first grabbing the Soarin and Flam bundle, then Cheese, and finally Shining. He deposited them on dry land, a couple of feet away from the raging waters. They all collapsed onto the ground and let out deep sighs of relief.

“Wowwee!” Cheese cheered, his mane suddenly poofing out as if it had never been wet in the first place. “That was exhilarating! Can we do it again?!”

“NO!” Shining and Soarin yelled simultaneously.

“Thanks for the save, Boom,” Flam said. Thanks to the river, his hooves were now wet enough to slip through the duct tape, and, with some help from Shining, the rope was untied. “Haha! Freedom is mine!”

After taking a brief moment to celebrate, all the stallions settled down in a circle. They looked around at their location. Below them was a mix of rocks, sticks, and dirt, with hundreds of trees surrounding them. They appeared to be deep inside an unidentified forest.

“So, anyone know who those masked ponies were?” Boomer asked, sitting on a large stone. The other stallions all shook their heads. “Cause they’re clearly the ones who kidnapped us.”

“Why would they want to kidnap us as a group?” Flam thought aloud. “Aside from Shining and I, we hardly know each other. At least, for now."

“They mentioned something called S.M.I.L.E.,” Soarin recalled, squeezing out his sopping wet tie. “Anypony know what that is?”

“A smile is when your lips curl upwards as a sign of happiness,” Flam explained. “Honestly, it makes me a little sad to find out you’ve gotten this far in life without knowing that.”

“No, like an acronym.”

“So, you’re suggesting our kidnappers are gymnasts?”

“Flam, you’re thinking of acrobats,” Shining Armor sighed. “And no, I don’t know anything about a S.M.I.L.E. But really, it doesn't matter. We escaped from them, and now we need to get back to Canterlot! I need to win back Cadance!”

“We don’t even know where we are,” Soarin pointed out. “How are we supposed to get to Canterlot if we don’t know what direction it’s in?”

“Well, I dunno. Aren’t Wonderbolts supposed to be expert navigators?”

“Aren’t princes supposed to be kind?”

Shining Armor and Soarin locked eyes with each other, and immediately began squaring off. Flam sighed.

“I’m sensing a little tension here,” he observed, putting his front legs around both of the stallions. “How about we all just chill out? Play a game or…” He gasped, and his face lit up. “I know! An icebreaker!” He turned to face the whole group. “After all, we’re probably going to be stuck together for a little while, so let’s get to know each other better! Everypony, say your name and one fun fact about yourself.”

“Nooo,” Shining groaned. “This is just like summer camp. Which was torture!”

“Personally, I really liked summer camp,” Soarin replied. “So I’ll go first. My name is Soarin, and I won a pie baking competition when I was four. The judges said my apple pie sent them straight to heaven.”

“Wow, it was so bad, it killed them?” Shining chuckled.

“Shiny, no heckling,” Flam said. He shook his head at the prince, whose ears drooped. “Although, to be fair, that is kind of a strange compliment to get.”

“Okay, I'm sorta into this game!” Boomer giggled, clapping his hooves. “My turn! I’m Boomer, and I own a planet.” The stallions stared at him. “Drunk purchase. I think it’s named Remoob, which is just my name backwards. Drunk me is not creative. Or smart.”

Cheese laughed. “That’s so funny!” He sprung onto his hooves and bowed. “Okay, I'm up. Je m'appelle Cheese Sandwich, and when I was a colt, I used to set my toys on fire!” Complete silence. All the other stallions looked at him, jaws dropped and eyes filled with terror. “What? Did you guys not do that?”

“I swear,” Shining Armor whispered to Boomer, “we are going to die on this trip.”

“Moving on,” Flam began, “I’m Flam, and I once dressed up as a giant cupcake for a foal’s birthday party. Yes, it was for a con, but no, I was not conning the child. That would be wrong.” He paused. “I was conning her grandmother.”

All the stallions looked toward Shining Armor, who couldn’t think of anything on the spot and started to sweat. “I’m, um, Shining Armor, and my fact is…” He said the first thing that came to his mind. “...I really miss my wife.”

Another moment of silence.

“Well, that’s not a very fun fact,” Cheese said. “It’s more of a funk fact.”

Flam sighed. “Shiny, could I talk to you for a moment?”

The two unicorns walked over to a nearby tree that was out of earshot from the rest of the group.

“I’m worried about you, babe,” Flam admitted, leaning against the wood.

Shining scoffed. “Why? I’m totally fine. Also, don’t call me babe.”

“But you’re not fine! Ever since you saw Soarin and Cadance talking, you’ve either been confrontational with the former or emotional about the latter. And while I find your passion for your wife to be really attractive, this is our guys night out, remember? We’re not supposed to be worrying about that kind of stuff!”

“Flam, I think our guys night out got derailed when we got kidnapped.”

The mustached unicorn laughed. “Are you kidding? Our guys night out is totally still on! We just have a couple more guys now. Personally, I don't think getting kidnapped was such a bad thing. I mean, it’s the perfect way for us stallions to hang out, get to know each other, go on some crazy adventures, and take our minds off our troubles! This is, like, the quintessential guys night out!”

“It’s really not,” Shining replied. “Also, how are you so calm and relaxed? The last time we were in a situation like this, you were freaking out and worrying about going to Tartarus!”

“Eh, I realized that my frightened demeanor may not have been the biggest help before,” Flam said, “so I’ve decided to adopt a more gung ho approach to life. Besides, this time, I know I’ve got you. What could I possibly have to worry about?”

Shining’s whole body warmed up with those words. He smiled and gave Flam a hug. “Okay, fine. Guys night out is still on.” A pause. “Although, I can’t make any promises about Soarin. At the wedding, he was talking to Cadance about me! There’s something going on there I don’t like.”

“You’re overreacting. Can’t the two of you just try to get along?”

“Nope. I don’t like him, he doesn't like me, amen.”

Flam chuckled, and a devilish grin emerged on his face. “Okay, I’ve seen enough movies to know how this story ends.” He looked Shining directly in the eyes. “I bet you forty bits that the two of you become friends by the end of this.”

“Hmmm. An interesting wager. I’m not a gambling stallion, but I’ll take this chance.” Shining slowly nodded his head, then shook his roommate’s hoof.

“It’s a deal.”

Flam and Shining returned to the group. The other stallions were taking turns messing with an accordion, which Cheese had pulled out of his mane.

“We’re back!” Flam chirped, taking a seat next to Boomer. “Which means it’s time for more icebreakers! And I’ve got a juicy question to start us off. The truest test of character…" Dramatic pause. "...Pineapple on pizza: yay or neigh?”

Soarin and Shining answered simultaneously, with the former saying “yay,” and the latter saying “neigh.” They looked at each other, gasped, and immediately began arguing over which one of them was "right."

Boomer shook his head and sighed, while Flam just laughed.

I’m so winning that forty bits, he thought to himself. No question about it.

Chapter Five: Hold Your Horses, Horses

The five stallions were gathered around the warmth of a small fire.

Shining Armor had been fully prepared to rub two sticks together and light the ash on fire, but luckily, Cheese had a lighter in his mane, which made the process much quicker and easier.

Collectively, the group had decided that traveling through the forest in the middle of the night was not the safest decision, and instead decided to camp out and begin trying to find a way back to Canterlot at sunrise. Flam was excited by this prospect, realizing “guys night out” could become “guys day out.”

As they waited for the sun to appear in the sky, they passed the time with more icebreakers.

“Would you rather,” Flam began, an evil smirk on his face, “be turned into your last Nightmare Night costume for a day, or be forced to only eat Hearth’s Warming Eve fruitcake for a week?” The other four stallions thought on this for a couple of seconds.

“My last costume was an avocado, and I’d rather eat than be eaten,” Boomer replied.

“I’d love to be turned into a fedora-wearing skeleton with a trombone!” Cheese chimed in. “Imagine the possibilities!”

“You’d rather be dead for a day than eat fruitcake?” Flam asked. “Wow. That’s hardcore!”

“Skeletons aren’t dead, my friend. They’re just waiting.”

Everypony stared at Cheese in complete stunned silence. The earth pony just smiled at them.

“On that note,” Soarin said, getting up from the stone he was sitting on, “I’m gonna hit the hay. We don’t know how long this journey is going to take, and I want to have the energy to travel.”

“So will I,” Shining yawned. “I need rest, especially if I want to lead tomorrow.”

Soarin stopped dead in his tracks. “Hold on. Who said that you’re the leader?”

“The fact that I’m Equestrian royalty speaks for itself.”

“Last time you were a leader, you got put in a dungeon,” Soarin said, turning to the prince. “No offense, but I’m not exactly comfortable with a kidnapper being our captain. Let me take control.”

“Okay, yes, I kidnapped somepony,” Shining admitted, getting angry. “Get over it! At least I’m not philandering with other ponies’ wives!”

“Whoa! Hold your horses, horses,” Flam interjected, stepping in between the stallions. “I’m sure we can reach a solution here. How about… you both lead? Two heads are better than one, after all.”

“I can attest to that!” Cheese piped up.

Soarin and Shining looked at each other. Both of their pair of ears were down, and both of their faces were frowning. Neither of them wanted to let the other one lead.

And yet, Flam’s hopeful eyes and big grin were too pure to let down.

Simultaneously sighing, the two stallions shook their hooves and gave fake smiles for the rest of the group, who clapped.

“Great!” Flam cheered, hopping off his rock. “Now, let’s all get some rest. Our guys day out is only just beginning!”

The prince and the Wonderbolt groaned.

It was twenty minutes past sunrise, and the five stallions were slowly trotting through the forest.

They had gotten a fair amount of sleep. Thanks to Shining’s idea of using branches and rope to make a shelter, combined with Soarin’s idea of using leaves as blankets, they were almost comfortable through the night. The biggest problem was that they ended up being very close together, meaning the prince’s first sight in the morning was Soarin’s flank in his face.

Naturally, he wasn’t pleased.

“We need a team name like The Unicorn Squad,” Flam said as the group walked through the boundless land of trees, guided by the light of the slowly elevating sun. “Let’s see… what do we have in common? We’re all stallions, for one.”

“And we were all kidnapped at a wedding,” Boomer added. “How about The Stallions Who Got Kidnapped At A Wedding?”

Flam cringed. “Too literal.”

“The Pallions?” Cheese suggested. “You know. Cause we’re stallion pals?”

Flam shook his head. “Meh. Too cheesy.”

“I mean, that’s kinda my shtick.”

“We need, like, a boy band name,” Flam said, crunching a stick under his hooves. “Something sleek. Something sexy. Something that just rolls off the tongue.”

Boomer and Cheese really considered his requirements. “The Pallions Who Got Kidnapped At A Wedding?” the pegasus eventually said.

Flam facehoofed. “We’ll come back to this later.”

Shining and Soarin stayed toward the front of the pack, remaining silent. Occasionally, one would glance at the other, but they’d quickly retract their eyes before they were noticed. For the most part, they just walked, pointing in directions and nodding instead of communicating with words.

After another fifty-six and a half minutes of small talk, Shining Armor spotted something different in the distance. He ran ahead, and gasped.

“A road!” he called out to the group. Soarin, Boomer, Flam, and Cheese all dashed over to him and looked down from the small hill where they were standing. Sure enough, about fifty feet away from them was a stone road, providing a clear path through the trees. “Haha! Look at that!”

“This is great!” Soarin cheered. “Roads always lead somewhere! If we follow it, we’ll make it back to civilization!”

“Maybe, it’ll take us somewhere near Canterlot!” Boomer hoped.

“One problem,” Flam pointed out, sliding down the hill, “this is the middle of the road. There’s two opposite directions to choose from, and if we go the wrong way, it could be a major setback and take us further from Canterlot.”

“Hmm,” Shining thought aloud. “We should follow the direction of the sun, which currently means going to the right.”

“Dude, the sun changes positions throughout the day,” Soarin pointed out. “But it ends on the left, so I say we head that way.”

“Come on, you’re just saying that because you don’t want to agree with me!”

“GUYS!” Boomer shouted, interrupting their conflict. He had flown up into the air and was scouting out the land from above. “It looks like there’s a little town a couple miles away to the right. I say we go there.”

“Perfect,” Flam said. “Town means food! Last time we went on an adventure, we forgot to eat until the very end. But not this time! No, we are going to eat our hearts out!”

“I ate a heart once,” Cheese absentmindedly muttered. “It was strawberry flavored.”

“We can also figure out where in Equestria we are, and maybe find a map,” Boomer added. “This could be perfect!”

“Let’s go!” Flam exclaimed, trotting off with Boomer and Cheese. Soarin and Shining Armor stayed behind for a second.

“For the record,” the prince said, putting his hoof on Soarin’s back, “we’re going right. Which was my idea.”

Soarin rolled his eyes and flew off, while Shining pumped his hoof in the air.

The town they had arrived in looked like it was lifted straight out of the wild west.

Secluded from all the trees in the nearby forest, the small community of only twelve wooden buildings rested in the middle of a desert. There were only about two or three ponies out and about, most of which wore cowboy hats or were carrying hay.

“Where in Equestria…?” Shining Armor asked, looking around. “I’ve never seen this place before. It doesn't even have a train station!”

“Forget a train station,” Soarin said, shielding his eyes from the sun with his wing. “I don’t think there’s any modern technology here at all!”

“At least it’s inhabited. Hopefully some of the locals can point us in the right direction. Getting home has to be our top priority.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Boomer, Cheese, and Flam running off. He sighed. “Never mind. I guess food is our top priority.”

Soarin and Shining followed the stallions, who had entered an old-fashioned bar. The room was dimly lit, with wooden tables and stools in the center, and pictures of past owners and ancient celebrities on the walls. There was one white mare with a red mane at the bar, wiping a glass with a towel.

“Hello!” Flam said, taking a seat on one of the bar stools. “We were just passing through this quaint little town, and we couldn’t help but smell the delectable aroma of food wafting from your fine establishment. If you would indulge us in a meal, we’ll be out of your mane faster than you can say ‘Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000’.”

The bartender put down her glass and stared at the stallion, confused. “Huh?”

“We’re hungry and we wanna eat,” Boomer translated.

“Oh,” the mare replied. “Why not just say that?”

Flam frowned. “I did, it’s just… Words and talking are kinda my thing… It’s how I make a living…”

“Then you need a new thing,” the mare replied, walking away into a different room. Flam just sat there, mouth gaping open.

“That was pleasant,” Cheese said, spinning around on his stool.

Flam was flabbergasted. “I talk,” he whimpered, looking at his face in the reflection of a glass. “That’s what I do. If I can’t talk my way through life, then who am I?”

“Now really isn’t the time for an existential crisis,” Shining sighed. “If she's not going to help us, we might as well go.”

Before the stallions could depart, the mare walked back out, a tray of beer resting on her hoof. “Y’all don’t look like you belong in this town,” she said, placing a drink in front of each of them. She scanned each of the group, taking note of their suits. “Fancy-lookin’ folks like you aren’t a common sight around these parts.”

“We’re from Canterlot,” Shining replied, pushing him and Flam’s beers away. “Actually, we were hoping you could maybe help us get back there.”

“Well, my advice would be to get outta here as fast as you can,” the mare deadpanned. “Our town is cursed.”

The stallions looked at each other. Before anypony could say anything, Boomer bolted out the door.

“Nope!” he screamed, running off in the distance. “I don’t do curses! See ya!”

Shining rolled his eyes. “I’ll go get him,” he groaned.

He ran outside, and, after a minute, returned with an angry Boomer. The pegasus sat down on his stool front legs crossed. "If I die here, it's all your fault, Shining Armor! I want you to know that. Your fault!"

"I got it, Boom." He turned back to the mare. "Cursed? Please explain."

"Well," the mare said, pushing Shining's drink back towards him, "nopony visits this place for a reason. Ev'ryday, there's some strange, unexplained occurrences. Sometimes, there's these freak earthquakes that shake the whole town. Other days, there are these noises in the middle of the night. And every so often, ponies just magically go missing."

"Your fault," Boomer whispered to Shining.

"I'm only still here to care for my sick granny. Once she's passed, I'm gone."

Shining Armor looked at the other four stallions. They were all trembling. "Oh, come on, guys," he said, shaking his head. "Clearly, she's just trying to scare us off. I'm sure we're all going to be--"

Before he could even finish his sentence, the entire building began to rapidly shake. The stallions all fell backwards off their stools, as the pictures around them crashed the floor. Frantically, they crawled under a nearby table, huddled together. Each of them was shaking.

"YOUR FAULT!" Boomer shouted to Shining, who was next to him. The prince's ears drooped and he sighed.

"My fault..."

Chapter Six: Enter Stallionz V

The entire room was shaking. The ceiling light above them had started to swing, and the glass frames surrounding the pictures that had once been on the wall now shattered. As the stallions clumped together, trembling as they held each other, they prayed for their safety.

And then, like magic, the rumbling stopped.

The stallions continued trembling for a full thirty seconds after the earthquake had ended, then cautiously peeked out from under the table. They looked around at the bar, which was now completely peaceful. The bartender hadn’t even moved.

“Oh my goodness,” Boomer said, letting out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Celestia, for blessing me with another day of life! I promise, I’ll never sneak the muffins off your breakfast tray ever again! I mean, I probably will, but I’ll feel bad about it!”

“What the-- did you really think you were gonna die?” the mare asked. “I told you, this happens everyday!”

Flam coughed. “We’ve been through a lot.”

Suddenly, the door slammed open, and in walked an earth pony mare with a green coat and a yellow mane. In her hooves was a ski mask. Two unicorns followed in past her.

Boomer nearly screamed.

“Those are our kidnappers,” Shining gasped. “We need to hide!”

Thinking quickly, the stallions leapt behind the bar and crouched down to avoid being seen. The bartender opened her mouth, but Soarin put his hooves together and silently begged.

“Hey, Strawberry Fields,” the green mare said. “How’s the hustle?”

“It’s hustling,” Strawberry nervously laughed, looking below her at the desperate stallions. “What brings y’all back home so soon?”

“Eh, you know, just business. Hey, have you seen a group of stallions come by these parts? We’ve been searching for them all night.”

Strawberry took once glance down. Flam was groveling at her hooves.

“Nope. Can’t say I have!”

“Well, let us know if you do.” The green mare started walking out of the bar, but stopped in the doorway. “It’s important that these stallions get what’s coming to them.”

Shining gulped.

The two kidnapping unicorns looked around the room, and levitated back up the decorations which had fallen. One walked right up to the bar to pick up a cup that had been knocked over, and absentmindedly looked over the edge.

The stallions held their breath.

Luckily, the unicorn didn't notice and simply walked away.

Once they were sure the kidnappers were gone, Shining Armor and company popped up exited from behind the bar. They let out a sigh of relief, and gave Strawberry a big group hug.

“Thank you so much!” Cheese exclaimed. “You have no idea how much--”

Before he could finish, Strawberry broke free of the embrace and turned on the stallions. “Alright,” she growled, backing away from the group, “you’re gunna tell me the whole darn truth right NOW, or else I’m calling her back in to take you away!”

The five stallions shared a nervous glance. Shining eventually sighed. “Listen, that mare back there? She kidnapped us. We were at a wedding, having a good time when all of a sudden, her and her crew just knocked us out and took us away in a horse-drawn carriage!”

“Was it great for my bucket list?” Boomer asked. “Yes. Was it pleasant? No!”

“Nonsense!” Strawberry scoffed. “I’ve known those ponies my whole life! They’re hard-working, honest, down-to-earth folks, who supply me with the money and crops I need to keep runnin’ this joint! Most definitely ain’t the kidnapping type!”

“Great,” Soarin whispered. “We’re in the kidnappers’ hometown. This is exactly why I wanted to go left!”

Shining rolled his eyes. “Flam, please work your magic and talk us out of this!” he said, urgently nudging his fellow unicorn.

The mustached stallion tensed up. “I can’t! I don’t have an in yet!” He started hyperventilating. “Oh, man. What if Strawberry was right? What if talking isn’t my thing?!”

“Existential crises later, man! We need you!”

Strawberry grabbed a wet towel, and began swinging it around like a weapon. “Y’all get one more chance to tell me what in Tartarus is going on, or I’m calling them right back in to stop you criminals!”

“We’re going to die!” Boomer whimpered, hiding behind Flam. “And we didn't even get to come up with a sleek, sexy, boy band name!”

Flam gasped. His brain began turning, processing both what Boomer had just said, and the situation Strawberry had put them in. All of a sudden, his face lit up, and his ears pointed up toward the ceiling.

An idea.

“Okay,” he said, confidently stepping in front of the group. “The truth is, those ponies are big followers of ours. We were coming back from a performance, and they offered us a ride to our next show. It was all well and good, but they turned out to be pretty rabid fans, and we just needed to get away from the drama.” He paused. Everypony in the room looked at him in confusion. “You see, we’re actually a famous boy band: Stallionz V!”

Shining Armor, Soarin, Boomer, and Cheese all froze. The four of their hearts simultaneously skipped a beat, and their jaws couldn’t help but drop. Shining could feel a shiver down his spine, and once his heart had recovered, it began racing.

“Stallions Five?” Strawberry repeated, scratching her mane.

“Yes, except with a zed at the end of Stallions and a roman numeral at the end,” Flam explained, not missing a beat. “We’re an extremely popular musical group, although I don’t blame you if you haven’t heard of us. Our debut was only a couple months ago.”

Strawberry shook her head. “I don’t believe you. You? A boy band?”

Flam fed off her disbelief, using it as a motivation to take his improvisation even further. “Why yes, little filly. In fact, we're like the quintessential boy band!” He ran over to Shining Armor, and put his arm around him. “This here is Shimmering Armor, the Heartthrob. He’s our sexy frontman who all the mares love. Sure, he’ll probably break off from the group and produce his own solo music within the next three years, but for now, he’s rocking our lead vocals with power and suggestive content.”

Shining smiled nervously and nodded his head. “Yup. That’s me. Getting all the mares.”

Flam leapt onto Soarin’s back. “This here is Soar-N, our resident Bad Boy. He’s mysterious, with a tough side and a dark streak. Everypony thinks he has ulterior motives for joining the group, but really, he’s just a misunderstood softie.”

“Get off my back!” Soarin shouted, partially playing the role he had been assigned, but mostly just genuinely wanting his personal space.

“Boombox here is our Big Bro. He’s chill, he’s cool, he’s a true friend to all. He gives great advice, and is so easy to talk to. We always turn to him in times of need.”

Boomer flipped his mane and smiled. “That’s right. Cause helping other ponies solve their problems is the hottest thing you could ever do!”

“And, of course, you can’t forget Chedda Cheese, the Wild Card. He’s unpredictable, unhinged, and nopony knows what he’ll fondue next!” He leaned in close to Strawberry. “Rumors say, he ate a heart once.”

“It tasted like strawberry,” Cheese said, applying a sinister timbre to his voice. “Just like you.”

Flam leaped onto a table, extending his hooves out to the sky. “And, of course, there’s me, Flamboyant Starr, the Cute One! I’m the fun-loving, good-natured heart of the group! I was the one who brought us together, and it’s my enthusiasm and constant talent that has elevated us to STARDOM!” He began panting, having grown more and more intense and passionate as the con progressed. In fact, his voice had grown so loud, the few other ponies living in town had stuck their heads in to see what the fuss was about.

Strawberry’s eyes were bugging out of her head. Shining Armor and Soarin were looking at Flam in shock. Boomer and Cheese were grinning from ear to ear.

This is the best. Con. EVER! the mustached unicorn thought.

“Wowza,” Strawberry Fields sputtered, barely able to say a word. She shook herself off, then laid the towel on the bar. “That’s mighty impressive.”

Flam clapped his hooves together. This is working perfectly!

“But I still ain’t fully convinced. Perform one of your songs for me, right here, right now, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll believe you.”

Uh-oh.

“Um, if you could just give us a moment to prepare,” Shining said, pulling Flam off the table into a huddle with the other stallions. His voice switched to a harsh whisper. “Dude, what were you thinking?!”

“Hey, it’s working, isn’t it?” Flam replied. “She’s this close to believing this con! And if we can convince her, she won’t send us back to our kidnappers!”

“And how are we supposed to convince her?” Soarin asked, rubbing his face. “We don’t have any songs, not to mention I don’t sing!”

“Neither do I!” Shining echoed.

Flam laughed. “C’mon. Everypony has a song in their hearts!”

“In that case, my song sounds like nails on a chalkboard combined with foals screaming and dogs barking.”

“Ha! Music to my ears.”

“Well, I most certainly do sing,” Cheese chirped, giggling. “In fact, I perform all the time! And I’m fully on board with this plan!”

Flam hoof bumped him. “Haha! A fellow showpony! You have no idea how ecstatic this makes me!”

“Great. So two out of the five of us can sing,” Soarin stated. “How exactly are we going to pull this off?”

“Through the fantastically phenomenal powers of improvisation,” Flam responded. “Now, follow my lead!”

The stallions turned to face Strawberry Fields, who was leaning against her bar, an unimpressed look on her face. Flam cleared his throat, and hummed a starting pitch for the rest of the group.

Flam began singing, performing the first stereotypically teenage-sounding lyrics that came to his mind. “When I’m not with you, it’s worse than the depths of Tartarus!

Cheese picked it up. “Feeling lonely, like my heart’s ripped out by Cerberus!”

Boomer belted the next line, shocking the group. “I need you more than you know! I really can’t let you go!”

Soarin and Shining looked at each other. “Oooooo, yeah...” they crooned, unable to think of any words.

Sensing their hesitation, Cheese and Flam harmonized with them. “Ooooo, yeah!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeaaaah!” Boomer boomed, perhaps getting a little carried away.

On the last note, Boomer, Cheese, and Flam all struck a bold pose. It took Shining Armor and Soarin a moment to realize what was happening, but eventually simultaneously broke out into jazz hooves.

At first, Strawberry Fields didn't move. Eventually, though, she slowly nodded her head and clapped. The group let out a big sigh of relief.

“It worked,” Soarin whispered. “I can’t believe that actually worked.”

“I told you,” Flam said, booping Shining Armor on the nose. “From time to time, I do know what I’m doing. Although, normally I perform showtunes, not pop, so this was a bit of a gamble.”

“Also, you totally lied!” Cheese laughed. “You can sing quite well! Especially you, Boombox!”

Boomer flipped his mane and winked. “I was on Bridleway once.”

“Wha-- And you didn't think to mention that earlier?!” Shining groaned, facehoofing.

“Hey, don’t steal Soar-N’s place as the mysterious one!” Flam joked.

The entire group burst out into laughter. Strawberry Fields quickly joined in on their jovial attitude.

“Okay, Stallionz V,” she giggled. “That was quite pleasin’ to the ear. I believe you, and I’m honored to be in the presence of such famous talent.” She paused. “And, uhm, my sincerest apologies for my friends acting like ‘rabid fans’, as you called ‘em. I know they can get a lil… excited about certain things.”

“It’s okay,” Shining replied, patting Flam on the back. “Hey, now that you know we’re ‘legit’, maybe you could help us? Canterlot is the next stop on our tour, but we’re kind of lost. Could you maybe point us in the right direction?”

Strawberry Fields thought about the proposition for a second, then raised her eyebrows. “How bout you do somethin’ for me, I do somethin’ for you?”

Soarin sat down on a stool. “Explain.”

“I’ll tell you where Canterlot is,” the mare began, “if you’ll perform a show for our little town tonight.”

“What?!” Shining gasped.

“Yes. Morale is pretty low in this place, considering the curse and all. We could really use something to lift our spirits up. Sure, it ain’t gonna be your biggest crowd, but you’ll be makin’ so many ponies’ days. Whaddaya say? Do we have a deal?”

“One moment, please.”

Stallionz V once again huddled up, this time close enough that their horns could touch.

“I can’t pass up the opportunity to spread joy,” Cheese said to the group. “That’s my whole life’s purpose!”

“But we need to get back home as soon as possible!” Shining argued. “Our friends are probably worried sick about us! Besides, performing in the hometown of the ponies looking for us doesn't exactly scream out ‘good idea’!”

“Strawberry wants to help us,” Flam replied, booping the prince’s nose once more. “She’s just asking for something in return. I don’t think that’s so wrong. Besides, it’ll only set us back one day.”

“Okay, but we're not actually a boy band,” Soarin pointed out. “How are we going to put on an entire show? We don’t even have a song!”

“Well, we kinda do,” Boomer said. He started singing. “...the depths of Tartarus… ripped out by Cerberus…”

“This could be our best shot at actually getting somewhere,” Flam pleaded. “Come on, Shiny! I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I? Trust me on this one. Let’s do the show and get the info!” He laughed. “Look a that! A rhyme! I’m already creating our next hit single.”

The prince chuckled. “You’re lucky I love hanging out with you so much.” He turned to Strawberry Fields and shook her hoof. “You’ve got a deal, ma’am.”

Strawberry Fields jumped into the air. “Hot dog!” she cheered, dancing around her bar. “Thank you kindly! Now how about I fix yous up with some breakfast?”

Flam’s mouth watered. “That would be lovely.”

He sat down at the bar with Soarin, Cheese, Boomer, and Shining. As they chatted about what to do, Shining Armor couldn’t stop staring at the cheerful Flam.

One question kept circling throughout his head as the mustached stallion began coming up with backstories for their “Stallionz” personas. No matter how much he focused on other things, it kept coming right back into his brain.

Should I really be the leader of this group?

Chapter Seven: "Your Face!"

Stallionz V had been set up in Strawberry Fields’s apartment, which was located on the floor above the bar, in order to “rehearse” and prepare for their “concert.” The mare had offered to supply them with free meals for the rest of the day, and volunteered to stave off the “rabid fans,” should they come back.

While Shining Armor was glad to have brief sanctuary from his kidnappers, alongside shelter and food, he was wary of the idea of performing for the town, especially because it was almost certain to go awry, given that they had nothing prepared and only ten hours until they were supposed to go on. Still, he had promised Flam that they would give this plan a try, and he trusted his roommate. If the mustached stallion thought this was their best shot of getting back to Canterlot, Shining Armor was willing to take the chance.

Soarin was less willing.

“Guys, we need to get back home ASAP,” he whined, sitting on Strawberry’s couch. “I’m supposed to be appearing at a charity function for hospitalized fillies and colts tomorrow! Those children are counting on me, and I can’t let them down!”

“If all goes according to plan, you’ll make it,” Flam said, looking at himself in a mirror. “We’ll perform tonight, find out where Canterlot is, travel through the night, and be home by sunrise.” He paused. “Of course, all of that can only happen if we put on a good show.”

“Which we won’t,” Soarin sighed. “Need I remind you, we’re not a boy band!”

“Not with that attitude.”

“He’s really committed to this bad boy character,” Cheese whispered to Boomer, pulling several balloons out of his mane. “Makes me feel like I’m underperforming as the wild card.”

The pegasus guard laughed as Cheese sat on one of the balloons and floated up toward the ceiling. “Oh, believe me, you’re not.”

Flam leapt onto a table, facing the group. “Everypony, this is going to be a team effort! I need all of working hard if we want to dazzle our crowd and get back to Canterlot!” He grabbed the string of the balloon and pulled Cheese down. “Chedda Cheese, my fellow artiste, I need your help writing lyrics for our soon-to-be hit songs!”

Cheese saluted. “At your service, Flamboyant Starr!”

“If you need help,” Boomer offered, “I’ve got plenty of teenage angst stored in this rocking bod of mine. Fleeting romances, crazy parties, anger towards my parents…” The pegasus looked off into the distance, as if he was having a flashback. “My dad sat on my popsicle once. We never recovered.” He shuddered.

Flam shook his head. “I need your Bridleway skills in a different field. Could you choreograph?”

“Oh, I sure can!” Boomer performed an almost perfect pirouette, but accidentally knocked over a vase with his tail. He blushed. “I promise, it will be better than that.”

“Great. Soar-N and Shimmering Armor, you’re in charge of designing our iconic look.”

Soarin and Shining looked at each other. “Um, we don’t know anything about fashion,” the latter pointed out. “Remember, I got trapped in a hayburger costume last week.”

“Shiny, I believe in you,” Flam said. “The wedding clothes we’re wearing, while attractive, don’t match. All you have to do is find looks that go together, but also accentuate our individual personalities.”

“When in doubt, go leather,” Boomer added. “And pink. We’d look hot as Tartarus in pink.”

“And glitter!” Cheese exclaimed. “Everypony loves glitter! Oh! Maybe I left my party tank in my mane! I have to check!” He reached a hoof into his mane, and began rustling around.

Shining rolled his eyes and pulled Flam aside. “I know what you’re doing,” he sighed. “You’re putting Soarin and I together so that we’ll bond and you’ll win your forty bits.”

“What?!” Flam fake gasped. “How dare you insinuate that I, a good devotee of Celestia, could commit such an act?” Shining glared at him. “Okay, yeah, that was exactly my plan. But it wasn’t just for the bits! I love you, Shiny, and I want you to be happy. You’ve spent too much time bickering with Soarin, and I wholeheartedly believe you’d be better off as friends. Who knows? Maybe you’ll bond over your romantic feelings for Cadance.”

“Yes, Flam. I will bond with another pony because he is in love with my wife. That won’t bother me in the slightest.”

“Great!” the other unicorn replied, too preoccupied with Stallionz V to pick up on the prince’s obvious sarcasm. “Now go have some fun!”

Shining groaned. Grabbing Soarin’s tail, he pulled the pegasus away from the group and began descending the stairs to the bar. Boomer watched them leave, then chuckled to himself.

“You may have said Soarin gets all the mares, Shining Armor, but you’re getting all the stallions. The Heartthrob, indeed.”

Shining Armor and Soarin had found a small mom-and-pop general store toward the edge of town. Like Strawberry’s bar, it was old, wooden, and dusty, but the goods it was selling appeared to be relatively new.

Right next to the canned food section rested three racks of clothing. The clothes were covered in grime, as if they had been hanging on their hooks for months. Shining and Soarin gagged, but looked through them anyway for anything interesting.

The entire time, both two stallions refused to say a word to each other. They had walked from the bar to the store in silence. They had searched for the clothing section in silence. And now, as they looked through the hodge-podge of fabric, they still remained quiet.

Shining Armor was looking at a black, button-up silk shirt with ornate leaf designs. It was predominantly see-through, which the prince didn't quite understand, but he saw multiple outfits of a similar design and figured that they could work as a look for Stallionz V.

He pulled the shirt off the hanger, put it on, and then looked in the mirror. Part of him liked the adventurous look, but the other part of him yearned for something safer. He needed another opinion.

Shining’s eyes gravitated toward the Wonderbolt.

No, he thought to himself. Do not ask Soarin. If you ask Soarin his opinion, it opens the door to becoming friends. And I do not want to lose those forty bits. Also, he tried to steal your WIFE! Why would you even WANT his opinion?

Soarin noticed the prince staring at him, and nervously waved at him. “Um, hello? Is there something wrong?”

Shining Armor’s brain was still debating whether or not to get Soarin’s opinion on the outfit, meaning it was too busy to control over the next couple of words that came out of Shining’s mouth. Without really paying attention to what he was saying, the prince responded.

“Yeah. Your face!”

Soarin gasped, while Shining kept staring at him absentmindedly. After a couple of seconds, however, the unicorn realized what had just tumbled out of his mouth without his knowledge.

His entire face turned red.

No, no, NO! I didn't mean that! I was focusing on something else! ARGH! What do I do?! What do I DO?!

While Shining panicked, Soarin just frowned and turned away. The prince opened his mouth, but couldn’t form an appropriate apology, and simply resigned. Heaving a heavy sigh, he awkwardly went back to looking through the clothes.

The two stallions fell back into silence. Shining Armor ditched the silk shirt, instead taking Boomer’s suggestion and looking through the leather articles of clothing. He had found a particularly striking set of rainbow colored jackets, when suddenly--

“I don’t want to bang your wife,” Soarin blurted out.

Shining Armor nearly choked on his saliva. “Excuse me?”

“That’s why you’re mad at me, right?” the Wonderbolt continued. “Cause you think I’m going to have sex with Cadance while you’re separated?”

The prince was taken aback. His heart began racing, and his body grew faint. He grabbed onto the clothing rack, hoping it would keep him from falling over. “Ah-- Well-- Eh--”

“You don’t have to worry. At the wedding, Cadance and I were just harmlessly reminiscing about our time in high school, simply for old times sake. Nothing was going to come of it. Outside of maybe a kiss on the cheek, but I think the jury’s still out on that one.”

Shining Armor could hardly breathe. He was not expecting Soarin to be this direct. “I-- It’s-- Um--”

“I had no intention of ever threatening your marriage. Although, admittedly, I am worried about Cadance. You kidnapped Apple Bloom, threatened me with a knife, and behave in a very volatile manner. Frankly, I’m not your biggest fan, so I have no idea what she sees in you. Still, you make her happy, so I support her wholeheartedly.”

The prince could not process what was happening. “But--”

“Anyway, I just wanted to clear things up with you, and apologize for making you freak out. I know you probably still don't like me, and I don't particularly like you, so I understand that we're not going to be friends or anything. But, are we good, at least?”

Shining Armor, completely overwhelmed by Soarin’s accurate perception of his feelings, explanation, and apology, didn't know what to do. His mind was racing, thinking a million thoughts a minute. What is happening?! He opened his mouth, and--

“Your face!”

Embarrassed, the prince grabbed the leather jackets he had been eyeing and bolted out of the store, inadvertently knocking over the canned foods on his way out.

Soarin just stood there, confused.

“I guess on top of being a kidnapper, he’s a shoplifter now, too,” the pegasus sighed. “Great.”

He got down on the hooves and slowly started restacking the cans, one by one.