YOU PONIES ARE LUCKY IDIOTS!

by redandready45

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6486

An American military soldier learns how Equestria has dealt with threats. He is not amused.

Featured January 27, 2019

After Equestria and Earth make contact, an American military officer arrives to discuss military strategies with the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and the Princesses.

To say he is less then impressed with their plans is an understatement.

Set between Season 2 and Season 3.

This is a separate story from Are Humans Evil? and its sequel.

Published 2020-01-26 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-07-30 23:12:47 UTC

Special Delivery For the Storm King

The Storm King's Airship flowed through the air, pushing past clouds and the occasional bird that smacked into the windshield as it approached Canterlot.

"Soon, I will be the most powerful being in all of Equestria!" The Storm King bellowed from the depths of his ships. "I'll crush those stupid, wimpy little ponies under my paws," the simian creature said gleefully. Tempest Shadow rolled her eyes.

"How many times has he said that," Tempest asked rhetorically with quiet exasperation.

"198 times," Grubber said cheerfully, gesturing to tally marks on the wall.

"Thank you, Grubber," Tempest said with annoyance while rubbing her temple with her hoof. The squeal was let out, signaling that an announcement was coming through the intercom.

"Storm King forces, we shall reach Canterlot within 30 minutes. Prepare your weapons, put on your armor, and remember to leave your carry on luggage in the overhead compartment." The various soldiers began packing their things and preparing their weapons.

"Your highness," Tempest said, prostrating herself before the King, "Are you sure about this?"

"About what?" Storm King said.

"Marching into the capital when all the ponies are present," Tempest said with a mixture of urgency and frustration.

"What are you taking about," Storm King said with disbelief. "It is the best plan any creature could ever come up with. Ever."

"But all the Royal Guards, Princesses, and the Bearers of the Elements are present," Tempest said. "Are you sure our forces can stand up to all of that? Especially if go right up to them demanding surrender?"

"Of course," Storm King said. "They are just a bunch of dumb ponies. What can they do? Actually resist an invasion? Now let's stop a worryin' and start invading."

"Yes sir," Tempest said, her fears immediately to rest. "It can't possibly fail," the purple pony said, her voice salivating at the prospect of regaining her lost horn, never minding the fact that she achieved prosperity and wealth without it. It was the principle of the matter that counted. She was putting on her armor when she heard a knock on the door.

"Who could be knocking on the doo when we're airborne," the Storm King asked with mild confusion.

"A Pegasus," Grubber said helpfully.

"Oh right," Storm King said with some annoyance. "Tempest," the Storm King ordered.

"Yes sir," Tempest said, trotting over to the door. She opened it, and in flew some weird grey Pegasus. The Pegasus had a blond mane, a cutie mark with bubbles, walleyes, and a dopey smile.

"What business have you, Pony," the Storm King growled. The grey mare didn't look remotely afraid of the Storm King, still smiling.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the Pegasus asked the King happily. The Storm King frowned in annoyance.

"Wait, your name is Marion?" Grubber asked.

"Yes," the Storm King said with some anger. Grubber fell to the ground in fits of laughter, much to the exasperation of the Storm King. The other guards also chuckled, while Tempest let a devious grin form on her muzzle. The Pegasus pulled a yellow envelope out of her saddlebag.

"Are you Marion S. King?" the Pegasus repeated.

"I just said my name is Marion," the Storm King said with frustration.

"Are you Marion S. King?" Pegasus.

"YES!" The Storm King bellowed. "I am Marion S. King!"

"Congratulations Marion S. King, you have a special delivery, "The Pegasus said, tearing the letter open with her teeth. "Dear Marion S. King, if you don't remove your airship out of the no-fly zone within the next 5 minutes, we of the Equestrian Air Force are prepared to respond with force. Please heed our warning-," The Storm King jumped in front of the mare in a rage.

"You think you can threaten me," the Storm King asked, holding his staff high. "I have laid waste to numerous kingdoms. Your little puny pony world is nothing compared to my power!"

"-or we shall destroy your airship at your expense," the Pegasus said, still reading the letter. "Love, Commander Spitfire."

"Tell your pathetic Commander that she'll be my slave within the next," the Storm King said paused as he mulled over his response, four minutes."

"OK Dokey, bacon smokey," the grey mare said happily. "I will let her know." The Pegasus pulled out some form. "Can you just sign right here?"

"Sure," the Storm King said politely. Pulling out a pen he signed it. "Have a good day," the Storm King said.

"You too," the grey mare said and flew out of the airship.

"I knew that mare would chicken out," the Storm King said with maniacal glee. "Soon, all of Equestria will-,"

"Sir," one of the guards said. "There is something flying toward us."

"What, that same dumb mare," the Storm King said dismissively.

"No, it is some weird rocket thing," the guard said. "Its all pointy and fast."

"Probably some fireworks celebrating my-" a blast went off. In an instant, the Storm King and most of his minions were vaporized, the hull was destroyed, and the airship began dipping, having lost all maneuverability

Tempest and Grubber held on to dear life as their ship plummeted toward the ground, spinning around.

"Grubber," Tempest said longingly. "There is something I've always wanted to tell you, but never had the courage to say."

"Yeah," Grubber said.

"You are the worst sidekick ever."

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me," Grubber said with happy tears.

The ship crashed into the forest with a fiery explosion. Spitfire looked at the flaming wreck with no small amount of joy.

"Now that's what I call Special Delivery," Spitfire said, proudly holding up her bazooka as if it were a mighty sword.

The Great Equalizer

"Starlight," Party Favor said, a painfully forced grin on his face as he approached the leader of Our Town in the middle of the street.

"Yes Party Favor," Starlight said, a small smile on her face. An acute observer would notice the smile wasn't reaching her eyes.

"Um, instead of taking away cutie marks to enforce equality among ponies," Party Favor said, the smile becoming more brittle, "maybe we could, I don't know, demand and lobby for economic and social reforms that end the privileges of the nobility and replace the guilds with a free market economy based on fair competition."

"Why Party Favor," Starlight said happily, "that is a wonderful idea."

"Really?"

"Yes," Starlight said, her smile becoming paternalistic. "In fact, I'm gonna put it right on the top of my refrigerator so I'll see it everyday."

"Really," Party Favor said.

"Anything for you, my best buddy," Starlight said.

Starlight returned to her cabin late at night. Shutting the door, she let out a happy smile.

"Well, I've done a good job of ensuring a better society," Starlight said. "I deserve a treat." She reached out and pulled out a box of the fanciest Canterlot chocolates on the market, biting into them.

"I truly represent the common pony," she said, as she inhaled the chocolates and put on her overpriced Saddle Arabian silk gown.

"Of course, most ponies like Party Favor have silly ideas," she said as she rested her head on her custom griffin feather bed and pillow. "So they need a smart pony like me to lead them into equality."

"Ha Ha Ha," Starlight she, as she galloped away with the cutie marks of the bearers, "I will ensure those ponies will never-,"

BAM!

Starlight fell to the ground, her head in throbbing agony. To her horror, her horn had been blown off with blood flowing from the stump. She saw that the jars she was carrying broke, releasing the cutie marks of those annoying ponies.

She heard fluttering above her head, and saw the yellow Fluttershy hovering above her with Party Favor on her back, shotgun in hoof.

"Hey Starlight," Fluttershy said as she lowered herself and Party Favor to the ground. "What's happening?"

"Please don't kill me," Starlight said, pleading for mercy. "I didn't mean any harm."

"You locked the Princess of Harmony in captivity, held ponies against their will, and used forbidden magic," Fluttershy said.

"But...but I have a tragic backstory," Starlight said.

"What is it?"

"Uh...uh," Starlight said, "my best friend moved away."

"Did you ever think of sending him letters?" Fluttershy asked her in an unimpressed tone. Starlight let out a sheepish smile, and looked desperately at Party Favor.

"Party Favor, remember all the nice things I did for you?"

"You mean kidnapping me, stealing my cutie mark, taking all my money, subjecting me to months of mental torture, giving me nothing but scraps, and making me live in a dirty cabin?"

"Yes," Starlight said with a happy smile. "We've had such good times together."

"Yes, we should throw a party to celebrate our friendship," Party Favor said with a wry gtin. He then pulled out a pistol. "Surprise."

BAM!

A shot entered Starlight's brain, and she lost consciousness.

Man these work so well," Party Favor said, gushing about his pistol. He looked at Starlight, and the blood flowing from her head wound. "Man, that has got to hurt," Party Favor said, gritting his teeth at the minor injury.

"Don't worry," Fluttershy said with a warm smile. "You won't hear her complaining anymore."

Friendship Through Persuasion

Queen Novo sat in her throne, brooding like she always did. Grabbing a fin, she rang her bell and a servant swam up to her.

"Servant, bring me some oats," Queen Novo commanded.

"I can't," the servant said reluctantly.

"Why not?"

"Well," the servant said, "you flipped your fin to Celestia, said you would remain underwater forever, cut us off from Equestria, and executed the hippogriff whose imported the oats".

"Oh yeah," Queen Novo said, rubbing her head like she forgot the groceries. "I forgot all about that."

"Also, our economy has well, um, collapsed because we switched from interconnected trade to ideological autarky," the servant said sheepishly. "The whole 'move our civilization under water thing' really, um, disrupted things. "

"Alright," Queen Novo said tiredly as she leaned back into her, "put it on my to do pile." The servant meekly swam away. Just when she was about to settle back into her throne, her hyperactive daughter swam up to her.

"Mom," Princess Skystar said excitedly, "you'll never guess who came to visit?"

"Let me guess," Queen Novo said tiredly, "another fish."

"Yes, only it is a big metal fish with weird glowing square eyes," Princess Skystar said with a goofy smile. Queen Novo cocked her head.

"Have you been huffing near the volcanic vents?" Novo asked her daughter triedly.

"Yes. But what does that have to do with the big metal fish I saw?" Princess Skystar said. "Anyways, he said he wanted the pearl."

"Tell him he can kiss my fin," Queen Novo said.

"OK!" Princess Skystar said cheerfully. She swam away from Novo, to her relief.

"Why did I drop her on her head," Queen Novo said with regret. Novo's rest was shorted lived when Princess Skystar returned.

"Mom, the fish said if you don't give him your pearl, he's gonna bring a reign of friendship down upon this place that you won't forget," Skystar said innocently. Novo narrowed her eyes in annoyance.

"Show me," Queen Novo said with some frustration.

After some fast past swimming, the mother-daughter pair saw some massive metal thing floating outside her home. Novo's eyes widened in amazement at the sheer size of the object. In the dark, it looked like some oddly shaped whale. But it was quickly replaced with anger as she remembered what it had demanded of her.

"See mom I was-,"

"Skystar go do your homework," Novo said abruptly. "I shall deal with this being...myself."

"Mom, I'm illiterate," Skystar complained. Novo snarled, driving Skystar to fearfully swim away.

"Creature," Queen Novo bellowed, "by what right do you have to take my pearl?" Suddenly a massive pale light erupted from the creature. Once she rubbed her eyes out, she saw it was no creature.

It was some strange underwater boat made of a dark metal with the phrase "SS Love and Tolerate" written in bold pink letters. The glowing square eyes were just windows, that were clear yet did not reveal the interior.

"Queen Novo," a male voice said, "this is Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard. We desire a friendship treaty. All we want in exchange is your pearl."

"Never," Queen Novo said. With a whistle, her army was summoned. "We shall defend this land from your imperial avarice."

"Who says I want to fight?" Shining Armor said in a seemingly kind tone. "I just want to use a little persuasion and reason." Suddenly a rocket fired from the underwater boat. In an instant, the palace was destroyed.

"There's persuasion," Shining Armor said. He fired another rocket, obliterating the armory. "And there's reason." Novo looked at the ruins of her kingdom while holding her breath. She then let out a nervous laughter.

"So would you like the stone gift-wrapped?", the seapony queen asked with forced grin.

"See Queen Novo," Shining Armor said happily. "Isn't friendship wonderful?" Queen Novo continued to chuckle fearfully.

"Queen Novo, your daughter was killed in the second explosion," one of her servants said in a mournful tone.

"Eh," Queen Novo said indifferently with a shrug, "I can always get another one."

The Worst Day In King Sombra's Life

"At last," King Sombra bellowed over his balcony. "After a millennium in that wretched prison, I shall now take my rightful place as Crystal Emperor. And soon, Emperor of all Equestria."

The Crystal Ponies, assembled before their monarch and in chains, looked dejected at that.

"Cheer for me!" Sombra commanded. "You should all be honored to be my subjects." The Crystal Ponies let out half-hearted cheers, sounding more like victims of strep throat. In frustration, Sombra angrily stormed from his balcony and into his bedroom.

"I killed their ruler, enslaved them, destroyed all their hopes and dreams, and planned to rob them of their free will," Sombra muttered to himself. "Why are they so ungrateful toward me?!"

"Your majesty," a timid voice said. Sombra turned around and saw a feeble, pink Crystal Pony approach him. "There is-,"

"What are you supposed to call me slave?" Sombra said warningly, his sclera turning green as he lit up his horn with dark magic.

"But-," the servant continued, before being roughly seized by her neck in Sombra's magical grip and dragged to face Sombra eye to eye. The trace of panic went through the otherwise jaded pony.

"Your royal highness, Ruler of the Crystal Empire, Greatest Conqueror of All, Greatest and Most Powerfulest Pony in all of Ponykind-,"

"Aaaaaand," Sombra drawled.

"-and the stallion blessed with the biggest stallionhood of all," the servant finished.

"Good," Sombra said, releasing the servant from his magical grasp. She roughly fell to the ground.

"Now what drivel must you spout," Sombra said to the servant in an arrogant manner.

"This Pegasus gave me this letter demanding that you surrender or face destruction," the servant said, presenting Sombra with the letter.

Sombra opened the letter and read it. After skimming through it, he threw it away while laughing.

"They claim they'll destroy the Crystal Empire," Sombra said with a chuckle. "Not even Sunbutt and Moonbutt together could destroy the Empire, let alone keep me chained in their frozen prison." He doubled over in laughter. "Tell this Pegasus I'd like to see them try." Sombra trotted away, talking about how he earned himself some licorice cake.

The servant pony stumbled to the window, opening it in. A white Pegasus colt flew in.

"He said 'he'd like to see you try'," the servant said.

Rumble nodded, before flying away. On the cloud above, Rumble looked at the box with trepidation. The weapon was called "Conflict Resolution." With a solemn sigh, Rumble began pushing the payload toward the edge of the cloud.

Sombra prepared for another speech, only accidentally scratch his metal horseshoe against the crystal walls.

"Damn it," Sombra said. "How could this day get any worse?" Above his head, he heard a whistling sound. When he saw what was overhead, he felt his blood run cold.

"Oh. My. Celestia," Sombra said with quiet terror. A monkey crashed on top of him.

"Ahh," Sombra screamed, as the monkey bit him and scratched away at his skin.

"Get it off," get it off," Sombra wailed in pain as the monkey continued to maul him. "Subjects," Sombra said pathetically, "I command you to assist me!" His subjects, instead of looking at him with fear or horrified apathy, just trotted away with disgust, seeing their Emperor reduced to sniveling child.

"He's crying over one little monkey," one pony said with disgust.

"I bet Sombra still uses a nightlight," another pony said.

"I bet he still has warm milk before he goes to sleep."

"Slaves," King Sombra said, trying and falling to throw the monkey off," I plead with you to help your beloved king." The downed king looked desperately at his servant for help. She also trotted away in disgust, but not before lightly bucking the king and farting in his face.

"Buck you, Sombra," the servant said tiredly, before leaving the balcony.

The sounds of the Crystal Empire were filled with shrieks of joy from the freed ponies, the wail of a heroic monkey, and pitiful cries of a defeated king.

The American Way

"So wait, you don't use your army to deal with threats to national security," Colonel Hansen asked the group assembled with some dismay. The Two Monarchs of Equestria and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony had agreed to this meeting, citing Hansen's concerns regarding policing and national defense in Equestria.

"Army?" Celestia said, cocking her head.

"Why would we need an...army?" Luna said, as if the concept of an army was utterly incomprehensible. Hansen looked at the princess pair with disbelief.

"Well," Hansen said uneasily, "what are those guards in gold for?" Hansen asked them, gesturing with his head toward the white-furred guards guarding the doors.

"Oh, they deal with minor threats to the kingdom," Luna said with a wave of her wing.

"You mean they're more of a police force," Hansen replied.

"Police?" Celestia said in a confused tone. Hansen's look of disbelief returned. "Oh, oh right, police," Celestia said, as if a police force was something she forgot to pack for vacation but then remembered at the last minute. Hansen let out a quiet sigh before continuing.

"How do you defend against national threats to your nation?" Colonel Hansen asked the two monarchs in a voice tinged with trepidation. He noticed eager smiles sprouting on the faces of the Bearers.

"We have the greatest magic of all," Twilight said heartily.

"What is that?" Colonel Hansen said.

"The Magic of Friendship!" they all said, as if they were cheerleaders at a high school.

"The Magic of Friendship?" Colonel Hansen parroted.

The lavender unicorn proceeded to exuberantly explain what the Magic of Friendship was and how it was central to the defense of Equestria. By the end of the lecture, Hansen looked at the ponies with a stone face.

"Colonel Hansen," Twilight asked. Colonel Hansen stared at them solemnly while clenching his fist. "Colonel Hansen-,"

"YOU PONIES ARE LUCKY IDIOTS!" Hansen bellowed at the assembled ponies, who were taken aback by the human's outburst.

"Mr. Hansen," Pinkie Pie said with teary eyes, "that was really, really mean."

"How could you Colonel?" Rarity said. "You made Pinkie Pie cry."

"Worst human!" Rainbow said with narrowed eyes as she put a comforting hoof on the party pony.

"Well, your whole defense strategy relies on you six staying friends!" Colonel Hansen said in outrage.

"And what's wrong with that?!" Applejack said furiously. "I think that's the best strategy ever."

"How could it possibly go wrong?" Fluttershy asked.

"A LOT OF THINGS!" Hansen said. "What if one of you died?! Or you had to move away because of career change?! Then how would you crazy ponies defend yourselves?!" The ponies were annoyed at Colonel Hansen's clearly unreasonable remarks. But then they put their hooves against their chins in serious thought.

"Hmm. I never...thought about it that way," Applejack said after several eons of contemplation.

"Oh yeah," Princess Celestia, as if remembering some forgotten errand. "Death. I forgot about...that thing."

"It appears we are so long lived, we forgot things like...that," Princess Luna said with a goofy grin. A look of sheer disgust formed on Colonel Hansen's face.

"And it isn't just death that could separate you six!" Colonel Hansen yelled, while rubbing his forehead to control the splitting headache forming on his head. "You six could get into a fight over things like politics, social shifts, and romantic interests."

"That's just silly," Fluttershy said with a reassuring smile. "Our friendship is eternal." She looked down and then up with her deep blue eyes. "Besides, Pinkie PiexApplejackxRainbow Dash is best threesome." The Colonel was stunned, hearing those words come from Fluttershy's mouth.

"That's silly," Rainbow Dash. "I picture the real OTP being me and Twilight."

"Really?" Twilight asked, more intrigued than flustered.

"You know, the wound up nerd paired with the uncouth athlete," Rarity said.

"Exactly," Rainbow Dash said. She then did a double take. "Hey, what did you call me?"

"I always pictured all of us together in a free love relationship." Pinkie Pie said idly. Fluttershy's faced turned red and she began breathing heavily at the thought.

"Where do we fit in?" Princess Celestia asked Pinkie Pie asked.

"You aren't in the herd," Pinkie Pie admitted with a shrug.

"Awww," Princess Celestia and Princess Luna said sadly, looking downcast. "But you do get Birthday and New Year privileges." Fluttershy began bleeding through her nostrils.

"Yay!" The two Princesses said, bumping hooves together.

"Truth is, I pictured myself settling down with Twilight." Princess Celestia said with a hungry smile. Twilight blushed underneath her fur.

"The whole student teacher romance thing?" Applejack said. Princess Celestia said. "That's so cliché," Applejack said with a roll of her eyes and an unimpressed frown.

"Its...still...hot," Fluttershy said in a quiet but shaky voice.

"WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHO'S FUCKING WHO LATER!" Colonel Hansen said, ending the discussion of shipping. A blush formed on his face. "The teacher-student thing is-," he rolled his eyes. "Anyways, we need to figure out how to deal with evil villains if you lose the Magic of Friendship."

"But what can we do?" Twilight said.

"Well, make weapons and use them," Colonel Hansen said as if talking to children. He pinched the bridge of his nose when they again looked at him in confusion.

"Weapons?" Princess Luna said, cocking her head. "For what?"

"You know," Colonel Hansen said. "To...kill...or injure the bad guy."

"Kill? Injure?" Princess Celestia said. She let out a scoff. "I don't see how...THAT would work." Colonel Hansen rolled his eyes and took a deep breath.

"OK, I'll show you how its done," Hansen said with forced patience.

"Please stop," Daisy asked feebly as her cart was destroyed by a Diamond Dog.

"Shut up, pony!", the Diamond Dog said as he continued to stomp on the flower seller's cart. "Cart mine!" Daisy looked at the scene with moist eyes, angry at her own inability to stop her cart from being mangled. The other ponies looked on in sadness, wishing they could help their pink friend.

A woosh sound was heard. The ponies in the crowd turned to see the two Princesses and a human had teleported to the middle of their village. The ponies began cheering the arrival of their mighty yet kind leaders.

"Your majesties," Daisy said, approaching the two monarchs with a bow. "That meanie is destroying my cart. Please help me."

"Colonel Theodore Hansen," Hansen grunted over the pink pony's lack of acknowledgement. "Glad to meet you too, miss," he said politely but with a hint of sarcasm.

"Never fear my little pony," Princess Celestia said kindly.

"We shall save the day!" Princess Luna said dramatically. The other ponies in the crowd cheered wildly at the arrival of their saviors. The two of them looked nervously at the rampaging Diamond Dog, before looking uneasily at each other, while the assembled ponies looked them expectantly.

"Well," Colonel Hansen said forcefully to Princess Celestia. "Go on. Show me the Power of Friendship."

"Very well," Princess Celestia said uneasily. "I will," she began, "volunteer Luna to do it." Luna glared at Celestia, who whistled innocently. With an annoyed sigh, Luna reluctantly trotted forward, the crowd of ponies and Colonel Hansen watching her intently.

"Excuse me," Princess Luna said timidly to the Diamond Dog. The brute continued pulverizing the cart. "Excuse me," Princess Luna said a little more loudly. The sentient canine continued to ignore the pony princess.

"EXCUSE ME!" Luna bellowed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. The Diamond Dog stopped his rampage to glare at the blue pony.

"What you want, pony?!" The Diamond Dog bellowed. Princess Luna looked at the ground uneasily. "Well, what you want?!"

"Um," Princess Luna said nervously. "I was, um, wondering if you please stop destroying that nice pony's cart." The Diamond Dog continued to glare at her. "Pretty, pretty, please with sugar, cherry, and a marshmallow on top." The Diamond Dog turned away from her in disinterest and continued destroying the cart. Princess Luna let out an annoyed sigh.

"Well, I tried," Princess Luna said, trotting back over to Celestia.

"Awww," Daisy and the other ponies assembled said.

"Don't worry Loony," Celestia said, reassuring her sister by draping a comforting wing on Luna's shoulder. "You tried your best." Colonel Hansen face-palmed and grunted.

"OK," Colonel Hansen said with annoyance. "We'll do things my way." The uniformed man walked up to the Diamond Dog.

"Sir, I'm gonna give you five seconds to step away from the cart and turn yourself in," Colonel Hansen said in authoritative voice. The Diamond Dog dropped the wheel he was preparing to smash and looked at the uniformed soldier.

"Who are you?" The Diamond Dog said. "Some kind of monkey?"

"Colonel Theodore Hansen of the US Army," the military officer said. "I'm gonna give you one more chance to step away from the cart and surrender." The Dog let out a vicious grin and put up his paws in a fist form.

"OK Monkey," the Diamond Dog said with sinister joy. He pulled out a huge knife and began waving it around threateningly. "Let's duel," he finished, pointing the sword straight at the human's face.

With a look of quiet disgust, Hansen pulled a pistol out of his holster and shot the Dog in the head. The brute fell to the ground dead, blood leaking from his brain. The ponies were startled by the sound of the gunshot.

The two Princesses and the crowed looked at Hansen with shock.

"That, that worked?" Celestia said in shock. Hansen put his pistol back into his holder and began walking toward the two royals.

"He, killed that Dog," Luna said with what sounded like controlled horror said as Hansen approached them.

"Look your Majesties, I know you don't approve of death," Hansen said somewhat regretfully. "But he didn't come quietly and he held a knife to my face so I had no-," he paused as the pony princesses ran up to him with eager smiles.

"How did you do that?!" Princess Celestia said with a cheerful grin. Colonel Hansen looked at her with a mixture of fear and confusion.

"Well, the gun fired the metal really fast and it...pierced his brain," Colonel Hansen explained uneasily.

"You actually managed to defeat him," Luna said in awe as if he had lifted the sky onto his shoulders.

"I guess," Colonel Hansen said, still taken aback.

"Show us how to do it!" Princess Celestia said excitedly

"Teach us, please!" Luna said exuberantly.

"Can I have one of those mini-cannon things," Daisy said excitedly. The other ponies began clamoring around Hansen, eagerly asking for a gun.

"OK, sure," Colonel Hansen said, his heart thundering in his chest as he wondered what he had just awakened in these ponies.

A brown unicorn with a white mane collapsed to the ground as Tirek drained the pony of his magic.

"Why worry pony," Tirek said in feigned sympathy as he pinched the unicorn's cheek. "Rejoice. You have aided me in my rise to power. Take comfort in the fact that your magic will fuel the greatest reign this land will ever know. Mine." With this new addition, Tirek grew slightly taller, and his back straightened even more.

"Now, who will be-," Tirek began.

"Halt, Tirek!" A voice interrupted. To Tirek's initial shock, the pony princesses approached him with steeled eyes. They were accompanied by a human soldier. Tirek's shock twisted into amusement.

"Well, Luna, Celestia, how are you?" Tirek asked the two monarchs, as if speaking to two old friends. He looked disdainfully at Colonel Hansen. "I see you've gained yourself a new pet." Colonel Hansen rolled his eyes in annoyance at Tirek's remarks. "To what do I owe this visit?"

"Your defeat," Luna said firmly. Tirek snorted.

"I see your uncontested reign has left you two feeble," Tirek said idly. "You should be aware that while many enemies would crumble in the face of your power, I can easily consume it like a potion." Tirek let out a nasty grin. "Blasting me with your magic would only strengthen me. But very well, if you insist on surrendering your power to me, I shall allow you the first turn."

"Very well," Celestia said with a kind smile. There was a blast which shook everyone. Tirek was startled out of his arrogance.

"What was that noise?!" Tirek said. He soon realized something bumped into his chest. He looked down and saw a red, gaping wound had formed there. Tirek looked up wearily and saw Celestia was levitating a gun with her magic, a casual smirk etched on her face. Tirek clutched his chest, groaning in pain. Before he said anything else, he collapsed dead onto the grass.

"I've got a hand it to you colonel," Celestia said happily.

"These...goons....are more effective than relying on my sister's student and her friends to solve our problems," Luna said, eyeing her own pistol strapped to her right front leg by her holster.

"I guess," Colonel Hansen said cautiously.

"From now on, this is how we'll solve our problems," Celestia said toothily.

"Who needs friendship when we have one of these things," Luna said, pulling out her pistol with her magic. A shot accidentally went off in her telekinetic grasp.

"Ahh," someone groaned. The colonel and the princesses watched as the brown unicorn writhed in agony, the bullet having clipped him in his right back leg.

"Oww," the unicorn moaned in pain. "Somepony help me. I think I'm bleeding." Luna looked at her gun and at the unicorn and let out a sheepish smile. Celestia and Hansen glared at her.

"Worry not little pony," Luna said. "You shan't be feeling pain any longer." Luna shot the unicorn in the head. He fell to the ground dead. Colonel Hansen and Princess Celestia were shocked at what just happened.

"Luna," Celestia said in a scolding tone. "Why did you do that?"

"I said he would stop feeling pain," Luna said with a wry smile. "He certainly won't be feeling anything anymore." Luna started chuckling at her joke. Celestia continued to glare, but soon she found herself giggling along with her sister.

"Oh Luna, you silly pony," Celestia cooed.

Colonel Hansen watched the scene with a forced smile and terrified eyes.

"Oh god! What monsters have I created?" Colonel Hansen thought to himself in terror as the two sisters continued to laugh.

Ponies Vs Nature: The Road to Victory

Author's Note

Bonus Points if you get what the title references.

Ponies Vs Nature: The Road to Victory

"Aren't these creatures wonderful," Fluttershy cooed as she watched the vampire fruit bats care for their offspring

"Wonderful at destroying my crop," Applejack complained. She watched with frustration as the winged fiends devoured her precious apples. "There's got to be someway to get rid of these monsters."

"I have an idea," Fluttershy said kindly. "If we just ask them nicely, I'm sure they'll just fly away." Applejack rolled her eyes as her yellow friend hovered up to one of the bats.

"Excuse me," Fluttershy said meekly to one of the bats. "Could you pretty please stop eating my friend Applejack's apples?" Fluttershy conversed with the bat for a few moments, and then flew down to meet Applejack.

"Well," Applejack drawled somewhat impatiently.

"They told me that they'll get back to me later," Fluttershy said, ignoring Applejack's growing anger. "See Applejack? Being nice solves-," the two ponies were startled by the sound of a gunshot going off, as were the fruit bats. They followed the sound to Granny Smith, who was holding a shotgun in her hooves and looked at the bats with a steely expression.

"If you varmints don't stop eating my apples, y'all will be eatin' lead!" The elderly mare yelled. She pointed her shotgun at one of the trees and fired a bullet. One of the bats was struck, and it fell to the ground dead. The other bats, shocked beyond belief, flew away in panic. "Yeah, you better fly!" Granny bellowed. Fluttershy and Applejack approached the Apple Matriarch, looking scared and happy respectively.

"Granny," Fluttershy said in tears. "How could you? What if you killed one of those baby bats?"

"I'm sure its parents would thank me for not having to pay child support," Granny snarked.

"Well Fluttershy," Applejack said with a smug grin. "Let's look at the score. Guns: One. Kindness: Zero"

"So what," Fluttershy said. "Are you gonna use them on those innocent moles too?"

"That's a great idea," Granny said. "Come on Applejack, we're going mole hunting." The two earth ponies walked toward their carrot fields, eager to kill the moles.

"But its wrong to use guns!" Fluttershy protested to the Apple family members. "Even on pests!"

"Fluttershy," the yellow mare turned around to see Zephyr Breeze approaching her with a sheepish smile. "I accidentally poured all of your bubble bath down the drain. Can you run to the store for more." Fluttershy glared at her brother coldly.

"Applejack, can I borrow your gun for five minutes," Fluttershy yelled with a very sweet expression. "There is one pest I think it could work on."

Bacon Hair

Author's Note

Beware. Very gruesome chapter.

Bacon Hair

"MWA HA HA HA HA!" Sunset Shimmer cackled as she came out of the mirror, a red saddle bag on her back.

"At last!", Sunset said with devilish glee, as she pulled out her plans from the bag. "I will have my revenge upon that white-ass bit-,"

A bang went off. Sunset was startled by the noise, but her shock gave way to excruciating pain. She fell to the ground with a pained moan, and saw that her right-front hoof was bleeding out.

"A gunshot," Sunset said with horror. "But they don't have guns-,"

"I do now," a voice said. Sunset looked with horror as her former mentor approached her, a gun floating in her grasp.

"Hey Sunny," Celestia said with an all too casual tone. "How are things?"

"How did you know I was gonna be here?" Sunset asked with growing terror.

"Well, I do know the schedule for went the portal opens," Celestia said with a wry grin. "I'd have to be an idiot not to expect you to come out." She leveled the gun closer.

"Please don't shoot me," Sunset said desperately. "I've always loved you deep down."

"The last thing you said to me was that you were gonna boil my hooves into glue and mount my head on a wall," Celestia said, her grin no longer reaching her eyes.

"T-that was just a phase," Sunset said. Celestia opened Sunset's saddlebag and pulled out a notebook and read it.

"You wrote it....84 times on one page in this notebook alone," Celestia observed casually. "Complete with numerous pictures of my head mounted to a wall with a bloody cleaver in your hoof."

"Artistic expression," Sunset said feebly. "I promise to make it up to you. I-I'll...make an effort to promise to mop the bathroom floor one a millennia."

"OK, your free to go," Celestia said simply. Sunset limped away, her hoof still bleeding. She looked proudly at her pistol. "This thing is a beauty." She spun it around, only for it to accidentally discharge. She heard a slump to the floor. Celestia tiptoed and saw Sunset bleeding from the head, her blood flowing onto a nearby tablecloth.

"NO!" Celestia said in agony. "What have I done?!" Celestia tearfully bend down, and picked the now reddened tablecloth, pushing Sunset's body away as if it a ragdoll.

"My poor tablecloth," Celestia said mournfully. "Don't worry baby. I'll get you to a doctor." Celestia ran out of the room, cradling the poor linen like it was her child.

Let's Forget This Ever Happened

"You're about to see how mean I can get!" Sunset said, trying to attack Wallflower, only to be held back by Trixie.

"Whoa! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Let's not antagonize the person with the all-powerful mystery rock!" Trixie said. A smirk formed on the blue-skinned girl's face. "Trixie has a trick to get Wallflower to cough up the rock."

"What are you gonna do," Wallflower said, preparing to use Memory Stone on the two interlopers, "I have the rock and you have-" Wallflower's jaw dropped as Trixie pointed a gun at her.

"My trick goes like this," Trixie said with a merciless smile. "Give up the rock, or Trixie will perform her 'put a hole in your head' trick." Wallflower immediately threw the stone back with a whimper and ran away screaming. Trixie returned the stone to Sunset with a smirk.

"Wow," Sunset said, taking the gun from Trixie and looking at it with awe. "Why didn't I ever get one of these? They're really good at getting things done."

"You come from some magical gumdrop land where problems can be solved in an hour," Trixie mused. Sunset began spinning the gun on her finger.

"Whatever," Sunset said while closing her eyes. "The important thing is-,"

BAM!

Trixie fell to the ground with a scream. Sunset opened her eyes and to her horror, Trixie fell to the ground and clutched her leg, which had a gaping wound in the upper thigh.

"YOU IDIOT!" Trixie yelled. "You're not supposed to spin the gun!" Sunset began shaking with fear, realizing how screwed she was. Shooting someone didn't prove you were a good person. A smirk formed on Sunset's face.

"Let's just forget this ever happened," Sunset said with a fake smile, as the Memory Stone in her hand began to light up.