I’m Peni Parker. The FUCK?!

Prologue

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I walk past the isle of clothing, not paying it much mind.

I’m currently down at my local Cash Converters. I was originally just going to get myself some second hand DVDs, as I’ve had some pretty damn good luck in this particular Cash Converters, but I’ve decided, since I’m here and my cousin’s birthday is coming up, I should see if any second hand toys are available that he would like.

He’s a big Spider Man fan, so anything Spider Man related would probably work.

“Oh, sorry,” a guy says as he bumps into me.

“S’cool, man,” I say, not really paying attention.

My attention is more on a pair of second hand web shooters.

I pick up the box, looking it over. It doesn’t even look like it’s been opened. Shit, I’m right. The sticker from the main store it was originally bought from is still on it.

I frown. Why would someone buy a toy that was no doubt expensive since Spider Man Far From Home recently came out and therefore Spider Man merch is a lot more expensive than usual, then just sell it for what was likely less than half the price?

After a few seconds, I shrug. What do I care? I get these cheaper than they would’ve been and my cousin gets a toy of his favourite super hero.

I turn to head for the cash register, but slam into someone. We both topple, the box slipping from my hands and we both fall on top of it and each other.

“Ow,” I wince, pushing myself up, the other guy sliding off me. My eyes widen. “The web shooters!”

I look down, only for my heart to sink. The box is busted, though the web shooters seem to have been shot out of it like a cork flying from a bottle of alcohol.

“Sorry, sorry!” the other guy says, before his voice goes frantic. “Wait, where’d it go?! Oh, thank goodness. It’s not broken… how’d it fly that far out the box though?”

I choose to ignore the guy and grab the web shooters, knowing I’m paying for these, whatever the case.

Suddenly, I feel a massive jolt through my body, before the world goes black.

___________________________________________________________

Uh. What the flying heck was that?

I sit up, rubbing my head. “Man. Did someone taze me or something? What was…?” I pause, lifting a hand to my throat. “What, did they hit me in the throat while I was out too? What’s with the pitch?”

Dunno, but man, they must’ve gotten to me too, another voice says, sounding like the guy I bumped into. Man, my head is pounding. And I feel weird. Did the jerks that got us give me drugs or somethin’?

I open my eyes, my version being a bit blurry.

I blink a few times, confused and rub them, before opening my eyes again… and have to fight the simultaneous emotions of joy and abject terror.

Wherever we are, it’s a forest… a very familiar forest. A very familiar cartoon forest.

“How if the fuck did we end up in the Everfree Forest?” I ask, looking around both to get a grip of exactly where we are, but also to find my unintended companion… only the find no one else around. “Uh, dude? Where are you?”

What the flying fuck nuggets?!

I look down to see a spider with a blue body and a bright red star going from the end of its back end to just before its head starts, staring up at me, it’s eyes wide in absolute terror, before it looks itself over and screams, causing me to cover my ears as it runs around in a circle screaming What the fuck?! What the fuck?! What the fuck?! over and over again.

Then it dawns on me and I backpedal on my ass like crazy.

“Talking spider! Talking spider!”

I’m not a spider! it cries, turning around to face me, before pausing and facepalms with one of its front legs. I mean, okay I wasn’t. I shouldn’t be. This is too fucking weird! I wanna be human again!

“I… um… okay, let me just think for a few moments,” I put my hands on my head. “We wound up in Equestria and you’re somehow a talking spider.”

He pauses, giving me an odd look. Equestri-what now?

I look to him. “Equestria. You know, the home of the main characters from the show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic?”

He blinks a few times (it is kinda creepy having something with eight eyes blinking at you), before frowning. Oh, yeah. My nephew and niece have talked about that show. Never really gave it much mind and… wait a minute! He stares at me with wide eyes. How in the world are we in a cartoon show?! That’s impossible!

I deadpan at him. “You’re a guy that was literally turned into a spider and yet the idea of being in a cartoon world is what you find impossible?”

He holds up a front leg to argue, before pausing, frowns and shrugs. Touché. Guess that means your change isn’t any weirder, right?

I cock an eyebrow. “My change?”

He stares at me. You… haven’t noticed?

I glance down to see what he’s talking about… before my senses catch up with me and I start panicking myself.

My body does not feel like it used to. For one, I feel smaller. But, biggest of all is downstairs. Something is there that should not be while what should be is missing?!

On top of that, I’m wearing what I can best describe as a school uniform… that looks alarmingly familiar.

It’s a white t-shirt underneath a black vest with a black tie, a black plaid skirt, black socks with red stripes around the top and black shoes with red laces.

I look at my wrists and notice what look like metallic wrist bands.

My eyes widen further with each realization, before I scream “WHY THE FLYING FUCK AM I PENI PARKER?!”

The spider winces. Sheesh. Do you have to scream so loud? Man, you’ve a loud set o’ pipes on ya.

I stop and deadpan at him. “Are you really in a position to criticize me, Mr. “What the fuck?”?”

He glares at me, pointing with his right front leg. Hey, you at least are still the same species as before. I’ve literally been turned into a fucking spider!

I groan, slumping to the ground against a tree. “Why did this have to happen? Things were finally getting normal in my life.”

He scuttles over, stopping in front of me. Care to elaborate?

I wrap my arms around me knees, jerking for a moment as they come in contact with my chest and the squishy feeling that accompanies it, before returning to that position. “I was going to be moving out in a few weeks. I was finally going to start living outside the family home and now? Now I’m in a fantasy world, half my age and the complete opposite gender.”

Well, to be honest, aside from the whole “being turned into a spider” thing, I guess I can’t complain then, he says, slumping to the ground himself, his eight legs splaying outwards. I’ve spent the last five years living in my brother’s basement. Lost my job two years ago and still haven’t gotten a new one. Only real job I did was babysits his kids every now and then. Compared to you, I seem like a lousy bum.

We remain silent for a few moments, before I notice something in my skirt’s left-side pocket and pull it out. “A letter?”

My new spider companion looks up. Who’s it for?

I cock an eyebrow. “It… doesn’t say. But, it was in my pocket so… I guess we should check it out?” I look to him as if expecting him to know.

He shrugs. Eh. Why not? He gets up and crawls up my skirt, causing me to fight every arachnophobic instinct to swat him off or squish him, before stopping on my shoulder so he can read the letter along with me.

Opening the envelope, I pull out several sheets of paper that I question how they even fit in what felt like an almost empty envelope and read.

Dear Peni Parker and spider,

You are now Peni Parker and the spider that is the other half of the computer system of her suit.

Or rather, you somewhat are. You are both different from the original Peni Parker and her spider, since you are in a world far more devoid of advanced technology than the year 3145.

Your specific powers are on the third sheet. Feel free to hold onto it for reference if you are too stupid to remember everything without constantly needing a refresher.

To show your gratitude for your powers, I would love for you to join my war, for which I will be more than grateful. If you do choose to fight in my war, please sign yes at the bottom of this page.

Looking forward to fighting alongside you.

Sighed,

A clearly superior being to yourself.

Sign here ____________________

There’s silence as I just stare at the letter, before I snarl, tearing it shreds.

“WHAT A FUCKING ASSWIPE!” I yell, before tossing the shreds to the ground. “He yanks me from my life without warning, alters my very being without asking if I’m okay with it, changes me into the opposite gender, strands me in Equestria and then expects me to be grateful to him for uprooting my whole life and that I’ll blindly follow him into some stupid ass war?! FUCK YOU, WHOEVER YOU ARE!”

My spider comrade, who’s been holding onto my shoulder for dear life, looks at me in confusion. How do you know it was a he?

I stomp on the shreds of the letter. “I could just tell. Something about the way they talked about themselves so highly brought a man to mind.”

And… you don’t think being rude to this guy could backfire on us? he asks uncertainly. I mean, I’m none too pleased he turned me into a spider, believe me, but if the guy who gave you that letter has the power to whisk us both from the real world, dump us in a cartoon and alter our very beings all at once, is getting on his bad side the best thing?

“I don’t give a shit!” I snarl, taking the other letters. “He’s a shithead for doing this to us. Didn’t even ask if we were okay with it. Because if he had, getting to go to Equestria or not, I’d have outright refused him. I’m not fighting in some war I know nothing about just because some asshat wants me to and offers me ponies and super powers in exchange.”

There’s a pause, before the spider sighs. I… guess I can see your point. I still worry how this could bite us in the ass, later though.

I finally calm my breathing and open the paper labelled “Power Set”. I scan it, cocking an eyebrow. “Well… that’s interesting.”

Huh. You’re right, he says, reading it from my shoulder. I’m a Peni fan, so I know a lot about her… and these are not her powers. In fact, she barely has any compared to what this list is saying.

“Yeah, usual Spider Man stuff,” I say, going over the list. “Spider Sense, sticking to walls, super strength, natural webbing like Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman does, for whatever reason… Wait, what’s this about Venom Levels? I have to admit, I don’t really know much about Peni Parker beyond what Into the Spiderverse gave me, plus the featurettes in the special features.”

The spider… I frown.

“Wait, before we go on, can you tell me your name? I’m getting tired of thinking of you as “the spider”.”

He frowns, looking down. Really wish I could help you there. Literally can’t remember my name. What’s yours?

“My name’s Peni.” I blink. “No, my name’s Peni. ” My eyes widen in horror, before they narrow as I snarl. “I don’t remember my real name! I can only remember Peni Parker as my name. Bet the asshole that did this to us is responsible for that too.”

The spider frowns. Well, I can’t remember my name either, so… how about you call me Scarab. If I’m stuck like this I may as well at least have a somewhat cool name.

Calming down, I look up, thinking about it, before nodding. “Yeah. I guess that works. Okay, Scarab, let’s get back to knowing our powers.”

Good idea, he says, both of us returning our attention to the page.

“So, since we lack the SP//dr mecha… wait, that’s what it’s called?” I shake my head. “Never mind. Since we don’t have that, I have webs shooters with several different types of webbing, such as tazer webs... Liquid Nitrogen webs. Haven’t heard of those outside the PS1 Spider Man 2 game. Pyro webs? How the heck does that work? Hmm.”

I look below the rest of the webbing lists to the other powers.

“As an extra bonus, unlike regular web shooters, these never run out of web fluid, because they pull from my natural webbing, a core that runs on magic helping to alter them to the different types when venom is present in my system. Okay, that’s nice… wait, what’s this about biting me?”

That seems to be where I come in, Scarab says, reading on for me. You can only use the different webbing if I am biting you, otherwise it’s just your regular webbing and the shooters stay inactive. This also increases your existing abilities for as long as I’m biting you. However, as I’m biting you, I’m injecting my venom into your system. The higher the level of venom coursing through you, the more sluggish you become.

After I stop, given time, your Venom Levels will decrease, your body flushing it out naturally. However, the higher your Venom Levels, the longer it will take for your body to flush it all out. If your Venom Levels reach 100% at any time, even for a minute… you’ll be risking death at worse… though it doesn’t say what the best scenario is.

Also, grossed out as I am by it, according to this, it seems we have a symbiotic relationship, where I feed off your blood. Can’t say I am happy about that. At least, apparently, your blood will taste like whatever I want it to. But, still... bleah. Plus, your Venom Levels will increase as I feed. That’s not helpful.

“Likely that asshat’s idea of a funny joke,” I snarl, before folding up the paper and putting it back in my skirt pocket and fold my arms. “Okay. So, we now know our powers, but now we have another issue.”

What’s that? Scarab glances at me.

“We’re in the Everfree Forest,” I say, glancing around cautiously. “It’s literally the most dangerous place in Equestria, despite how tame it has been made to appear in certain episodes, especially this season. So, we’re gonna want to get out of here as soon as possible.”

Scarab cocks an eyebrow. Season? What, like summer or winter?

I shake my head. “Season as in the season of the show. Back home, we’re currently going through season 9, the final season of the show. Where we are season wise will determine where we are in the timeline. If we’re not careful, we could end the entire world by altering the events of this world.”

Scarab gives me a deadpan look. You’re joking.

I give him a very serious stare. “The end results of several seasons could very well be the end of the world if things don’t go as they should.” I sigh, scratching behind my head with my right hand. “Still, we won’t know what point of the timeline we’re in unless we get out of here first and—”

I stop as I get a tingling feeling that tells me we’re in danger and I look around, noticing several Timberwolves stepping out from behind the trees surrounding us.

Ya know… maybe shouting while in the middle of the most dangerous place in Equestria wasn’t the smartest thing we could’ve done, Scarab gulps. Wh-what are these things?

“Timberwolves,” I say, watching us they all gather around us. I count at least ten. “Well, no time let the present to see if these natural webs actually work.”

What are you talking abOOOUUUT?! Scarab starts, before devolving into a scream as I fire a web line at an upper tree branch and we shoot into the air.

“Double tap to release, then fwip it out again,” I murmur, doing my best to remember how Peter B. Parker explained web swinging to Mile Morales (hoping it works the same when my webs come from me), releasing the previous thread and making another, my Spider Sense telling me where it’s safe to aim and swing from, while also doing my best to ignore how weird it feels as the webs come out of my wrist.

Do you even know what you’re doing or where you’re going?! Scarab yells, clinging desperately to me.

“Nope, on both counts,” I call, glancing over my shoulder and sighing with relief as the Timberwolves aren’t giving chase, they’re just staring in confusion as they fade from sight the further we swing. “But anywhere’s gotta be better than with them, right?”

After what feels like hours, I swing low to the ground, releasing my webline and stumble, dropping to my knees as I stop.

“Okay, the landing needs some work, but I’d say that was a good first try,” I breathe with relief, before glancing to my shoulder. “You doing okay, Scarab?” I wince as I see him though.

His face is green and his holding a leg over his mouth. I… I’m not used to moving so fast. He dry heaves. I think I’m gonna barf.

“Well, if you do, please don’t on me,” I say, standing up and dusting myself off. “Yeah, you’re a spider, so it’d be small, but these are the only clothes for a human I have. Since we’re in Equestria, the only way I’m getting more is if I go through the portal to the Equestria Girls world and, unless we’re in after season four ended, that could take a while. I don’t wanna have to wash spider barf off my uniform.”

“How this works is quite a fascination. I am not sure how one as timid as Fluttershy could enjoy this type of relaxation.”

Who…? Who was that? Scarab says, breathing, before shaking his head and frowning. And why did they talk in rhyme?

I smile. “That’s Zecora. She’s a zebra shaman. Aside from Twilight after season three, she’s the best person, well, pony to go to with me looking like this,” I indicate to myself, before moving in the direction of the zebra’s voice.

Scarab cocks an eyebrow at me. Why?

“Well, humans aren’t something you’ll find in Equestria, so regular ponies would likely freak if they saw me. With Zecora, we can at least have no difficulties with—”

Sweet Jesus Almighty! Scarab cries as I halt in place, before my head shoots backwards, causing me to topple over, blood spurting in an arch from my nose.

We just reached trees that opened into a clearing revealing Zecora’s hut. Standing outside it was herself and a green pony… but that’s as far as matching Equestria it got for me.

Instead of two quadrupeds, there’s two humanoid shapes with pony heads and tails standing outside Zecora’s hut, both COMPLETELY NAKED!

“Guess since Peni’s seen as the anime Spider Man character,” I say, getting up, my voice sounding nasally as I hold my bleeding nose, “my body reacts like your stereo typical anime character. Including nose bleeds when seeing something way too sexy.”

Looking back out into the clearing again, I see clearly that Zecora and the other pony, whom I realize is Tree Hugger, are indeed both naked… and fuck me, the world was kind to these two.

Their curves are smooth, with Zecora being a bit pudgy around the hips, both with boobs that must be double Ds at least. Both are bending over and straightening up again as if doing some kind of yoga… making it very hard not to see what they’re got on display.

I’m in a world where the ponies in that show are super-hot anthro babes?! Scarab says in awe, before he snarls. Okay, you’re right. Fuck the asshole that did this to us, this if fucking torture!

I glance at him, any eyebrow raised. “Huh?”

I’m in a world where all my furry fantasies could come true… and the dickwad that sent us here turns me into a tiny spider, denying me those joys! he says mournfully, before scowling. The evil ass doesn’t deserve our help at all. He can go rot in hell while being raped in the ass with flaming jackhammers for all eternity for all I care!

I blink. “Wait. You’re a furry?”

Was, more like, he huffs, folding his front legs. Can’t very well get it on with the ladies like this, now, can I?

I… feel it’s better I say nothing.

“Well, since we’re in an anthro world, it might actually be easier to just walk into town after all,” I say, moving back into the trees and walking around the clearing. “At best, I’ll just get some odd looks for my head shape.”

So, where to then? Scarab asks.

“If we’re in before the end of season four, The Golden Oak Library. If after, Twilight Sparkle’s castle.”

Author's Note

just an idea that came to me Monday night and just couldn't get out of my head.

This might actually be really fun, more so than Call of A Raven.

Which actually leads me to ask, would you guys like the two to crossover? They'd be the only ones crossing over with each other and wouldn't rely too heavily on each other.

let me know in the comments below.

Also, the title is a work in progress. If anyone has a better idea what I can call this fic, let me know that in the comments too.

so, just what awaits Peni and Scarab when they get to Ponyville and what awaits them beyond? look forward to finding out.

til next time, later everyone