32 and Me

by garatheauthor

Rating: teen
Tags: Night Light, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Twilight Velvet
Length: 1899

Though Twilight and Moondancer are happily dating, Night Light has some bad news. He's a swinger and they might be half-sisters.

Twilight's parents strongly disapprove of her dating Moondancer. They may think she's an utterly fantastic mare but, really, Twilight shouldn't date any of her Canterlot friends.

Like, ever.

...

Night Light may have a couple of confessions to make.

Proofread by my fantastic friends, Heartshine and Rose Quill. Also props to RoMS for helping with the descriptions.

Cover art was done by the always lovely Nova Quill. She's the best.

This idea was selected by my patrons for my August project. If you want to vote on future monthly projects consider joining my Patreon.

Apparently somebody made a Russian translation of this which is kinda rad. And a Russian Audio Reading!

Honourable Mention for the Accidental August Incest Contest

"Oh my *god* gara" - Cynewulf

"This was awful and I loved it. Excellent exercise in crossing the line an even number of times." - FanOfMostAnything

Published 2019-08-20 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-20 20:00:01 UTC

32 and Me

“Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you.”

This was always the hardest part. That moment when the conversation just kind of gradually ebbs away and a certain tension fills the air. Everypony always went silent when the importance of this statement really sank in.

No one ever started an easy topic like this.

This was the very same sentence Twilight used when she broke the news that she was moving to Ponyville and she could still remember the way it had taken the wind completely out of her parents.

Both Night Light and Velvet looked at their daughter, their smiles fading to a neutral and vaguely concerned expression. Clearly, their memories of that very same conversation were also fresh.

“What is it, sweetie?” Night Light asked, his voice steady and not betraying a hint of emotion.

Velvet reached towards Twilight, placing her hoof upon hers. “Is everything alright?”

Twilight nodded and tried her best to offer a smile. It seemed to put them at ease, but only a little.

“I’m dating a pony,” she said.

Velvet beamed. “Oh, my gods, I’m so happy for you!”

Night Light chuckled and patted her on the back. “Who’s the lucky stallion?”

“Actually…” Twilight took a deep breath, trying her best to hold onto her smile. “It’s Moondancer.”

She watched in utter despair as both of her parents’ smiles rapidly fell to petrified horror. Her heart shattered into a million little pieces, and a hollow sense of disappointment began to burrow within her gullet.

She had taken the plunge, said her piece, and was now about to dive straight into the jagged rocks of rejection rather than the comforting waters of acceptance.

Night Light got to his hooves and let out a long pent up breath. He turned away from Twilight and walked a few steps further before running a hoof through his mane.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath.

Twilight could feel tears in her eyes. “Are you two upset?”

“This is my own damn fault,” Night Light muttered under his breath.

The first tear broke free. “Dad?”

“Should’ve seen this coming from a mile away.”

“Night Light,” Velvet hissed. “You’re upsetting her.” She sighed and squeezed Twilight’s hoof. “We’re not upset it’s just…”

“You don’t like that I’m dating a mare?” Twilight growled.

Both parents froze, their expressions instantly deadpanning.

“Oh, dear gods no!” Velvet yelped, waving her hooves frantically. “No, no, no, no. That isn’t it at all. We have nothing against you dating a mare.”

Night Light rushed over and placed his hoof against her cheek, using it to wipe away her tears. “Yeah, we aren’t mad about that, sweetie. We were like… eighty percent sure that you were going to end up dating a mare anyways.”

Twilight sniffled, shaking her head.

Then what was their problem? Couldn’t they see that Moondancer was perfect? The mare was pretty much her ideal match! They had shared hobbies, similar interests, and she had an excellent taste in books.

Night Light sighed. “The problem is uh… Moondancer.”

“What’s wrong with Moondancer!?” Twilight snapped. “She’s a fantastic mare.”

Velvet held up a defensive hoof. “She’s an excellent mare. It’s just that… maybe she isn’t the right mare for you.”

“Yeah how about that Rainbow Dash, filly,” Night Light offered. “She seems pretty hot.”

Both Twilight and Velvet looked sharply at Night Light, each cocking a brow.

Night Light looked between them before shrugging. “What? It’s true.”

Velvet rolled her eyes before returning her attention to Twilight. “Or how about Rarity?” She paused, pursing her lips. “Wait, she doesn’t come from a Canterlot family, does she?”

“What’s going on here?” Twilight asked.

“Nothing’s going on, sweetie.”

“Clearly something is. Moondancer is a great mare, and I’m lucky to have her in my life. Like for real, we were practically sisters growing up.”

She noticed her father wince.

Wait, Moondancer wasn’t her…

“Okay, I have a confession to make,” Night Light admitted.

Oh no.

He sighed. “Where do I even start?” He glanced at Velvet. “Any idea?”

“You see, sweetie,” Velvet began, “me and your father had a rather interesting relationship with a few unicorn couples in Canterlot.”

“Still do,” Night Light added with a grin.

Velvet ignored this. “And well part of this dynamic is that we would occasionally throw uh…” She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly through her teeth. “We used to be really into swinging?”

Twilight paled.

“And well one of the other couples who used to attend these things was Ruby Ember and Brass Band.”

“You know, Moon Dancer’s parents,” Night Light added.

“I don’t think I want to hear this,” Twilight muttered, feeling her stomach doing its best to drop through the floor.

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” Velvet said, “it’s best that you finally know the truth. Clearly keeping it from you wasn’t the smartest idea.”

Twilight didn’t respond and Night Light nodded to himself, obviously taking this as permission to continue.

“And well,” he said, “we soon discovered that Brass Band was infertile but we knew that he and Ruby really wanted a foal so…”

“Oh no,” Twilight muttered.

“Your father decided to do them a huge favour and go bareback with Ruby,” Velvet said.

Twilight blinked, watching the world swim before her eyes. Was it possible to faint from bad news? She desperately wanted to find out and let the sweet embrace of unconsciousness overtake her. Anything was better than having to hear this.

She blinked once, and then twice. Yet soon the world recovered, leaving her at the sadistic mercy of her parents’ stories of bedroom depravity and intermarital affairs.

“I see,” Twilight mumbled. “So, you’re saying…”

Night Light nodded. “You and Moondancer are half-sisters.”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why the two of you have so much in common?” Velvet asked. “You know, same natural affinity with magic, same personalities, and don’t even get me started on the physical aspects.”

“Huh,” Twilight breathed. “Is that why me and Moondancer have such similar manes?”

Velvet shrugged. “I have no idea. I’m a writer not a geneticist.”

“But it’s possible,” Night Light said.

It was now time for Twilight to be stunned into silence, her gaze focused upon the wall past her parents. All she could focus upon was that wall, studying the pattern etched expertly into the plaster, picking up on every little detail and imperfection it had.

She was disassociating and she knew it. Yet, in that moment, she hardly cared.

“Twilight?” Night Light asked.

She shook her head, knocking herself free of her stupor. “Huh?”

“You alright, sweetie?” Velvet asked.

Twilight snorted. “Yeah of course. Just discovered that my mom and dad are swingers and that my brand new marefriend is actually my half-sister.”

“Oh, thank the gods,” Night Light breathed.

“What?”

“You two are still a new couple.”

“Why is that important?”

“It means you haven’t had a chance to… pollute the genepool, yet.”

Twilight shook her head. It felt oh so heavy.

“Is there anything else I should know about?” she asked.

Night Light cleared his throat, chuckling as he once again ran a hoof through his mane. “Well your mother was kind of the breadwinner of the household and a single dad could get kind of lonely on his own. So, me and a few of your friends’ mothers formed a book club.”

“And let me guess.” Twilight sighed, feeling the weight of a thousand implication bear down upon her. “There wasn’t exactly a whole lot of reading going on at these.”

“Oh no!” Night Light burst out, laughing. “It was actually a totally legitimate club. It’s just… what we did afterwards wasn’t one hundred percent… bookish.”

“You can thank their club for why Minuette and Twinkleshine have the same birthday,” Velvet chirped.

Night Light sighed fondly. “Gods that was a really good threesome.”

Twilight felt her stomach lurch. “Oh gods.”

Realization dawned on her, as a long-forgotten memory crashed back to the forefront of her mind, impacting with the force of a small explosion.

“Is this why Mr. Shine calls you ‘the bull’?” she asked.

Night Light chuckled. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And how are you okay with this mom?” Twilight asked, looking to her mother pleadingly, practically begging her to make sense of all this.

Velvet shrugged. “Your father always asked for permission ahead of time and never got jealous when I wanted to go on one of my gangbang binges.”

“Your mother used to take on three or four stallions at a time,” Night Light quipped.

Twilight went green. “I… really didn’t need to know that.”

For a second, all three ponies were silent.

Velvet and Night Light glanced at each other, sheepishly. They continued to smile politely as their daughter returned to disassociating to an increasingly concerning degree. Eventually, Twilight’s eyes fluttered as she seemed to snap back to reality.

“What about Lemon Drop? She’s not one of my half-sisters, is she?” Twilight asked.

Night Light sighed. “I’m afraid so.”

“But… but the two of us have nothing genetic in common. Different manes, different affinities towards magic, heck our coat colours couldn’t even be any farther apart. There’s no way we could share any chromosomes.”

Night Light chuckled. “Funny story about her coat actually.”

“Honey, she probably doesn’t want to hear this,” Velvet warned.

“No… I’m ready,” Twilight assured them.

“Well you see, Lemon Heart’s mother, Raspberry Lemonade, had a hobby that involved a certain type of… aquatic sport and we’re assuming that’s why Lemon Drop’s coat is so… vibrant.”

Okay, she was one hundred percent not ready for that!

“THAT!” Twilight roared before feeling her fury evaporate in a hopeless instant. “Doesn’t make any sense. NONE! None whatsoever.”

“But here we are,” Night Light said, shrugging.

He then stood up and walked towards the mantel, picking up a framed photo.

“This has to be my favourite picture in the whole world,” he commented, placing it beside Twilight.

Twilight glanced at it, noticing that it was of her and all of her Canterlot friends.

No, not Canterlot friends.

These were her sisters.

“Lyra?” Twilight asked.

Night Light nodded. “Didn’t you ever notice how she had my eyes?”

Twilight glanced at the photo and that at her father’s caring expression. Both Lyra and him had the same golden hue in their gaze.

“Holy shit,” Twilight breathed.

“Are you going to be alright?” Night Light asked.

Velvet sat down beside her, draping a comforting hoof over her shoulder. “I know it’s a lot to take in but we… well we never thought this would ever come up.”

“And we didn’t want you to do anything you might regret,” Night Light added.

Twilight chuckled and hung her head.

“Honey?” Velvet asked.

“You want to talk about regret,” Twilight muttered.

Night Light’s expression fell. “Sweetie?”

“I am really regretting the fact that I lost my virginity to Lyra, right now.”

Night Light winced. “We should’ve seen this coming.”

“We really should’ve,” Velvet agreed.

“Anything else I should know?” Twilight asked.

Night Light and Velvet looked at each other as if daring the other to speak first.

Twilight’s expression fell even further into despair. “Oh no.”

“We…” Velvet began, glancing at Night Light.

“We have absolutely no idea who Shining’s biological father really is,” Night Light said.

Author's Note

This was a terrible terrible idea and I love my patrons so much for enabling it.

Discord/Ko-Fi/Patreon/Twitter