Anon and His Fillies

Chapters

A Disaster in the Making - Part 1
A Disaster in the Making - Part 2
A Disaster in the Making - Part 3
A Disaster in the Making - Part 4
Me, Myself, and I
What’s in a name?
Is... Is that a brownie?
I’m sorry

A Disaster in the Making - Part 1

‘Dear Anon,
Meet me at the Golden Oaks Library this afternoon for a tea party with the girls. I know you don’t like these sorts of things, so I’ve politely asked Applejack to bring her ‘special’ cider you love so much. Please actually show up this time instead of giving us excuses. It’s of utmost importance.
Your’s truly, TS’

You clutched the note in your hand, crumpling it up and tossing it behind your head. You then danced like your legs were being electrocuted by millions of volts of electricity. Well, if electricity existed in magic talking horse land.

“Fuck yeah, Apple family hard whiskey is the SHIT. And it’s only about 20 minutes until the party. I’m getting hella drunk tonight.”

You are Anon, the only human in a world full of colorful, sometimes retarded and sometimes cute, cartoon ponies. You usually lazed about your days working odd jobs in a small rural town called Ponyville.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to do better for yourself, you were just an extremely unmotivated fuck who would rather procrastinate all day or have confectionery eating contests with a certain pink Deadpool knock-off than do any actual work. Lucky that the ponies of this rural town are nice enough to give you a place to stay until you can get a livable job.

But enough about you (sadly). As quick as a jackrabbit looking for the nearest latrine, you slam your house door open and lunge towards your refrigerator to deposit this week’s groceries.

A wave of depression sweeps over the room as you place your few fresh cod into the icebox in the basement, once again remembering that you’ll have no meat this week. Or ever again.

“What I wouldn’t do to have a nice steak or burger. Been a year since I’ve had any REAL protein and I can’t hunt any of the animals around out fear of flutter-butter and her stare,” You said as fearful shivering found its way into your pants. You swore you could see her peering at you through your window, silently judging you. “But in my defense, that rabbit was fucking tastier than any rabbit I ever had on Earth!”

Yes it was true, Fluttershy actively tried to keep you from eating anything sentient or sapient after she saw you eating a freshly cooked rabbit. Nobody talked to you for a month, considering it was directly after making her so angry she actually managed to burn a hole into the restaurant’s wall and subsequently burn the whole building down as a result. Then she started chasing you around with a broom and beat you over the head with the bristles for the rest of the day. All was forgiven after you got on your knees and apologized for eating Angel’s cousin.

Shaking your head, you re-bottle up your emotional depression and continue shelving the different vegetables and fruits. Once done, you decided on going to the bathroom to do your three favorite activities: Shower, shave, masturbate (not in any particular order). After a steaming shave and a face-cutting shower, you fantasized about one of the denizens of Ponyville you had gotten to know. Oh if only you could give that Pinkie tongue a real workout… with your genitals. It’s very probable that the whole town could hear all the animalistic grunting.

Finished with your lovely self care, you decided to head back out the house towards the giant oak tree shaped library, not locking the front door since locked doors are only ever installed inside of homes, INSTEAD of outside, in this crazy sideways town. And yes, it was literally sideways around your house every Thursday. A certain Spirit of Chaos made sure to fuck around with you the same day every week.

Eventually, you reach the treebrary and took in the sight of the fuckery that it was.

“Didn’t I see a fireplace inside, as well as a lightning rod on the very top? Horseland physics are both retardedly strange and convenient,” You said aloud.

But before you were able to enter into the foyer/library, the door got near torn off its hinges by a VERY disturbed-looking librarian. Her left eye twitched and her mane lie frazzled.

Steam exited her nose as she opened her mouth to yell at you. “WHERE IN CELESTIA’S MANE HAVE YOU BEEN?! It’s been an HOUR past the time I wrote on the note!”

“Calm down, Twiggles. I was just eating lunch. By the way, here’s your bit bag back.” You toss said bag. “You should probably hide it in a safer place than in your dirty clothes basket. Remind me again why you have panties and the like when you horses never wear anything half the time?”

Stepping inside, you see a small table set up with a tea set, stale sandwiches, and even a bucket of ice with a few empty cider bottles. On the carved wood-tile floor lay Rainbow Dash, who surprise surprise, was currently drunk as FUCK.

Seeing your favorite drinking buddy brought you to snort softly. “I see Rainbow took the liberty of trying to out drink me before I even got here.”

“Hold up, back up just a few seconds. You poked around through my underwear?!” the mare’s face blazed brighter than a candle.

To which you replied, “Yes, I did. Take it from me Twinkle Sprinks, you’d be better off getting some pink and purple striped ones. Frilly and blue doesn’t really suit you. Maybe then you’d actually gZndjJY-“

Before you could finish, your mouth was abruptly and painfully shut closed by Smart-flank’s magenta magic. Oddly her magic tasted like raspberry-flavored batteries, but not at all unpleasant. Wonder what that horn tastes like now?

“The girls and I thought we could get you to tone down your mouth by having an intervention at the tea party, but nooo...” Twilight paused to levitate over a piece of chalk, hastily drawing a magic circle around you. “You just keep pushing and pushing like Equestria is your playpen! Your blatant disregard for everypony is inexcusable! It’s time somepony does something!”

You wipe away Twilight’s magic on your mouth, albeit with difficulty, and click your tongue a few times. “Nice try there, purple horse, but I know you aren’t going to do anything. I’m just going to go grab the last bottle of whiskey and-“

A blindingly bright flash of light bathed the room in what can only be described as pure sunlight. It burned both your eyes and made your skin feel as if it were made of fire and pain. Though you couldn’t see anything, your could tell you were laying on some sort of dust against the wood floor.

“GUGH, fuck you Twilight! You’ve gone and made me blind!” You exploded out like a small child, hands digging into your eye sockets to dig away at the pain.

You try to stand up, but are firmly met with weight on top of your chest and other body parts, particularly your lower half. You stop cawing at your eyes for long enough to spot a blurred mass of green and black sitting directly on your body.

The mass suddenly began to shift, as if it were being roused from slumber. The sight of unknown mass on top of you shocked you to no end, causing what should have been the sexiest voice alive into one that would rival Rarity’s younger sister screaming. “Sweet Jesus fuck what did you do to my body?! I’m covered in tumors made of hair! Tumhairs!”

Twilight lay disoriented on top of the metal unicorn bust-table, visible stars and moons somehow manifesting and spinning around her head, moaning something or other about books. Upon recovering from her stupor, she took one glance at you and gasped. “Sweet mother of Celestia what have I done…”

Author's Note

I regret nothing. I'm hoping to release updates at least twice a month, since I'll be attending university come Aug. 26th.

A Disaster in the Making - Part 2

As the dust in the air began to clear, you could slowly begin to make out the intricacies of the shapes on your chest. They changed from indistinguishable grey against your clothes into oddly shaped black and green puffs, almost as if they were separate from your body. You’d think any sane being would begin to calm down after seeing ‘probable pillows’ laying on top of them, but you’d be mistaken. You, being the Anon that you are, decided to scream even louder at the subject of your ire, specifically Twilight.

Your face contorted into an emotion most foul. The sight of the ‘things’ on your chest and arms infuriated you to no end. Almost like the universe decided to mock you by putting the thing you hated most next to you : Children, or in the case of this homoerotic wet dream of horses, FOALS.

“Twilight, would you mind telling me why there are four- no wait scratch that, I think there’s one clinging to the back of my head like a pillow- FIVE hellspawn sleeping peacefully on top of me?” you asked, mentally counting backwards from one hundred to calm yourself. Damn unicorns and their problematic magic.

“I-I don’t know! I just meant to cast a simplified version the ‘Calm Mind’ spell that my brother uses to stop angry monsters!” Twilight said with panic. “Even when I was a filly first learning magic, my spells never messed up this bad!”

If there ever was an example of someone going ‘Twilight’, this certainly was a fine example of it. Twilight began pacing back and forth anxiously, going on and on about how she’d be sent back to ‘magic kindergarten’ and how in so much trouble she would be if the Princess found out. To be honest, you sort of hoped the Sun Regent herself would find out about this little screw up. At least then your anger would subside the smallest amount in exchange for the hilariousness that would ensue.

Suddenly, Twilight stopped from her neurotic ramblings and locked eyes on you again, more specifically at your legs. “Anon, why is there chalk dust on your shoes?” Her jaw quivered, clenching hard enough that you could hear the ‘clack’ of her teeth. You remove two of the five fillies from your chest, clearing the view to your wondrously thick calves. Huh, so it seems there was chalk on your lower legs.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Twink Sprinkles.” You lie through your teeth. She musn’t find out it was actually you who screwed with her magic drawing. Cthulu above knows that she’d go nuclear.

Without warning, Twilight began to Twilight again, this time running up to you and gripping you by your shirt. Fuck, you’re going to have another aneurysm from thinking about hand-hooves at this rate. “Anon, please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did!”

“Alright, I totally and one hundred percent didn’t do what you think I did.” You reply sarcastically.

Twilight gripped your shirt even hard, this time shaking you to put emphasis on her words. “Do you have any idea how irresponsible it is to mess with a magic circle when somepony is casting a spell?! You could have been killed!”

Welp, the cat was out of the bag now. Time to face the cold, hard, cartoonish reality of Equestria. “Alright, alright you caught me. I may or may not have scratched out some of the runes you were carving. It’s not the first time I’ve messed with your alchemy circles or whatever. Maybe you should have been paying attention to this sexy beast instead o-” You start, but are interrupted by hooves pulling your face close to a horse.

“Anon this is serious! Somepony, including YOU, could have been seriously hurt if one of the wrong runes was etched into the circle! Magic isn’t some game!” Twilight lectured into you, this time with more fear than paranoia about the situation. “And neither are magical homunculi. Stars above, for all we know these things could be hungry for flesh!”

And with the key word ‘danger’ said, your drunken compadre Dash sprung into the air, albeit much more slowly and sloppily than she would have if she were sober. Comparable to that of a squirrel shot by an air rifle. “Never fear, Rainbow ‘Danger’ Dash is-” RD started, before gliding back to the ground and gripping her mouth with a hoof. It takes her a moment to swallow the bile currently throwing a party in her mouth. “Blegh, oh Celestia *urk* my stomach...”

The sight of her plastered form brings a smirk to your face. Time to fuck with the drunk girl like there’s no law that can stop you. “Nice of you to join us, Dash. Welcome back to the land of the sober, as sad of a land it is. Did you enjoy your alcohol coma?”

Rainbow Dash continues to stare at the floor, eyes glazing over slightly before vomiting square on to the first step of Twilight’s loft/bedroom. Gonna suck for whoever has to clean that up, most likely Spike-bro. You’d have joined her in painting the floor with cake frosting, if it weren’t for the fact that you were sober as shit and that you can handle three times the alcohol as the average pony. Fucking light-weights.

As much as Twilight wanted to help comfort her friend and take her home, the matter at hand, or rather hoof, was much more important to her. She focused her magic and displaced the pegasus with a teleport spell, plopping her into the bathtub of her cloud-house. Afterwards, she darted around the library rifling through her books like there was no tomorrow. It was actually very mesmerizing to watch, even with you having to crane your neck uncomfortably to watch her from the floor. Book after book, occasionally a scroll crossing across her path, Twilighting the whole time as she searched for some solution to the foal predicament. You raise your finger from underneath one of the foals in objection to Twilight ruining your fun before it could start, but decided against it.

For about a total of twelve minutes, the train of books stopped and she gave up, scattering the things all over the floor. “Ugh! Why doesn’t this library have anything on homunculi?! I was so sure I kept them under…” Twilight paused, her ears twitching as she glanced back over to you. Seems the ‘beasts’ on your body were starting to wake up. “Starswirl’s beard, they’re waking up!”

Quick as a wasp triggering its hive for defense, Twilight did her best to contain the things in a magic bubble, you included alongside them. You’ve been through this sort of situation before though and just decide to get up and walk through the magic bubble over to purple-smart. You can thank Discord for the magic-resistance in your suit and tie.

Maybe about a minute passes, Twilight still holding the shield over the foals, which now that you get a good look at them, were all fillies. Each of them looked almost identical, minus the different shades of green and similar sort butt-tattoo, or Cutiemark as you were told to call them. Their cutiemarks all seemed to be centered around a question mark, although one had some sort of bottle with it on it, another had it centered around the symbol for female. The third of the five, closest to you and Tinkles the wonder horse, help just a simple flower with the question mark forming the stem. Number four was actually the most unique of the five. It pretty much looked like a joint with the ashes falling off being three question marks, whilst number five was the comedy/tragedy masks with question marks instead of eyes.

After all five were up and awake and staring both of you in the eyes with possibly enough cuteness to kill, Twilight began to cast a few other spells. But being that you had no clue how to check what they were, you decided to just let her do her work. A few tugs at the fillies’ mane and tails, some small prods at their muscles, and even what you though were x-ray scans, and Twilight decided to drop the shield.

To which the bottle-filly immediately reacted by galloping over to the party table, knocking it over and caressing the near-empty whiskey bottles that hadn’t shattered upon hitting the floor. The other four simply just meandered around the library, taking in the sights as though they were visiting Paris.

“My precioussss….” Bottles hissed out, almost a bit like Gollum from LoTR, if he had the voice of a ten year-old.

‘Huh, and here I thought I was the only one who liked alcohol that much’ You thought to yourself.

Twilight simply just stood there, aghast with her confused realization. She looked you in the eyes and began to question. “I-I don’t understand. These fillies should be hungry for flesh like all homunculi. Why aren’t they attacking us? And why did my examination show them to be ordinary fillies and not my magical signature? I made them, didn’t I?”

You threw your hands in the air like you just didn’t care, and you really didn’t care. “Hell if I know. Do I look like a friggin’ virgin wizard? Maybe you just suck at certain kinds of magic?”

To which Twilight responded by flicking your forehead with her magic. “Well regardless of what caused them to be like this, I still can’t let them leave the library. It would cause a mass panic if we didn’t take responsibility and keep them here until we can find a way to undo them.”

NIGGA WHAT? “Hol’ up, the fuck do you mean by ‘we’? You’re the one who cast the spell! I’m an innocent bystander here who just so happened to scratch out the chalk in the circle and why are you looking at me like I just screwed your mother?” You take a moment to think about the ‘we’, then it hit you. “Oh, I see your point now. But shouldn’t you have said that before they left?”

Twilight tilted her head a little. “What do you mean? They’re all ri-” She stopped upon looking around the library, only spotting the little alcoholic bottling herself like an infant and the front door wide open. Ho boi, brace for screams.

Author's Note

Introducing the five fillies for the friction of my fricking fun story. Any suggestions for names?

A Disaster in the Making - Part 3

Author's Note

Getting really into writing this. More than the other fics I've tried writing. That's enough out of me, since i don't want to take too much of your time. Enjoy the new chapter!

A Disaster in the Making - Part 3

“You know, it’s times like these that make me appreciate how peaceful this little town of yours is.” You said as you lagged behind Twilight, enjoying the mild breeze blowing by. Twilight on the other hand, or rather hoof, was hyperventilating like a water out of fish. Thanks imagination for that image. She glanced all around the small square outside the library, teleporting around anywhere she thought there might be a hiding green filly.

It would have been amusing, if she hadn’t decided to pick you up with her magic and fling you around the town with her as she teleported. Were she actually all mentally there, you wouldn’t have had a problem with it just from how warm magic felt. But that was not the case, considering being teleported around usually gave you nausea. “Chris Pratt on a crisp rat, Twilight! Focus on casting your spells right or you’re going to teleport me into the ground!”

To which Twilight responded by slowing down and taking a few deep breaths. “No time, Anon! We have to find those homunculi now or all of Equestria could be in danger.” She then animated a holographic depiction of what might happen, at least in her overly paranoid mind. “Magical homunculi are very dangerous, especially when a creature with a high amount of magic is cloned, such as a pony. If we don’t dispel those fillies soon, they could multiply rapidly from sheer magical build-up. If that happens, then there’s no telling how many ponies will be hurt!”

‘Is she serious?’ You thought to yourself. “Twilight, I’m not a pony. Your logic is flawed, mate.”

Purp Drank’s expression seemed to relax a little bit from that, but she still didn’t calm down. “I can’t take that chance, Anon. Ponies didn’t get this far in history by not taking precaution. This has to be done.”

Fuck, she has a point. Ponies were basically like humans, albeit much more empathetic and passive. Sure, there were a couple assholes, like Sombra or that pussy Blueballed or whatever his name was, but it isn’t like there were many cases of murder or environmetal terror. Heck, even Flim and Flam’s greedy asses were mild compared to the dregs of humanity, like Hitler. Or PETA, fuck their anti-meat asses.

But you would rather eat dog crap than to agree with Sparkles the magic horse. You took on a more serious tone, just to make yourself sound smarter. “Again, I think you’re wrong about them Twilight. Example one is that alcoholic laying down in your library. Ponies don’t like alcohol as much as I do, so again smart one, you’re wrong.” Plus, you’d have to be a dumbass to not fucking want to keep Anon FILLIES around. Even if they do turn out to be flesh-eating beasts.

Twilight continued to defend her point of view over the next hour of searching, one of the few traits about her that was actually commendable. Fuck, you’re going soft if you’re thinking Twilight of all ponies was worthy of the same respect you gave Dash or AJ. Whatever the case may be, you were actually starting to get bored of having to look between alleyways and dumpsters. Jesus, you’ve had to rifle through about ten so far and you stink worse than a skunk coated in vomit. If you have to search through one more…

“Goddamnit Twilight, I’m going home.” You blurted, spotting another dumpster after turning the next corner. You were sweaty, grimy, slimy, and all sorts of other -imy. Not to mention that you were pissed to kingdom come from having your favorite suit ruined. “I don’t have time to play ‘hide and seek’ with those bastards you think are threats. They’re just fillies for fuck’s sake!”

Twilight tried to tighten her grip around your body, but failed as you just grabbed ahold of it and threw it into the alley, causing mild spell backlash to the unicorn. She shook her head to recover, turning in your direction and almost tackling your lower half. It would have been sexy, if she weren’t batshit crazy at the moment. “W-where do you think you’re going? You started this wild goose chase and you’re going to help me fix it!”

You really didn’t want to deal with her bullshit anymore today. It’s not like her problems don’t usually solve themselves eventually, just like in the show. Why couldn’t she give you some of that luck and help you land an actual job, instead of having to do favors around town just to make a living. Not that you didn’t mind it, but being used for your height or hands is starting to get stale. You just simply reach down and use your brute tard-man strength to pull her off of you, maneuvering her like a life-size plushie and setting her down on her flanks, scolding her like the child she is acting like. “Listen, it’s been real, and it’s been ‘fun’, if you can even call unnecessary dumpster diving fun, but it hasn’t been real fun. Now, I’m going to turn around, walk home and burn the suit that Rarity made for me, since it’s only useful for fire kindling at this point. If you follow me and try to force me to do ANYTHING else today, I swear I’m going to lose my mind and punt Applejack’s sister like a soccer ball.”

Twilight almost seemed to be buffeted by this. “B-but-”

But you weren’t having it. “NO BUTS. I’m going home.”

You left the purple horse behind you and began to backtrack the path you had both taken, glancing back every now and again to make sure she didn’t decide to try and kidnap you, as entertaining as it would have been to imagine her trying to stuff you into a burlap sack. Along the way down the back roads of Pone-Town, you passed by a few ponies you had met only once or twice, like Lyra or Octavia. Heck, you even saw the CMC running by chasing after a cart full of something, not like you got a good enough look at it to see what was in it. Aside from the occasional hello from the residents or small talk, nothing much happened out of the ordinary.

Well, as ordinary as you could get in a town that lives next to a living magical forest filled with monsters. And the fact that it was filled with talking horses. Regardless, you eventually happened upon the medieval shack you call ‘home’, only something seemed off about it. Something suspicious.

The curtains in your living room window were haphazardly opened, along with the window itself, like someone had tried to open them completely, but pulled them down and onto the small table next to it. Not to mention that the vase with a single rose, YOUR rose, the one and only that had finally bloomed after meticulously caring for the dying bush out front, was missing.

Now, you weren’t a clean-freak by any means, but you always made sure to leave the curtains open just a small amount to give the rose enough light to keep living, even going as far as to set up a small wall of books around the table so you didn’t knock it over while you were drunk.

You gulped down a bit of spit to drown your fury, reaching into your back pocket and pulling out the pocket knife you always carried on you and entered your home with murderous intent. But that intent died down at what sat before you on your couch, eating away YOUR groceries without a care in the world.

A Disaster in the Making - Part 4

“What the name of my tight toned thighs is going on here?!” You screeched at the interlopers chowing down on YOUR food.

“Breakfast!” chirped one of the hellspawn from behind the couch. She was somehow or another found and managed to plug in the hotplate you bought. You gave her a scowl to hide the smile that so desperately wanted to shine from hearing that.

“It’s fire, my dude. Come chill with us on this kicking couch,” said another filly, reggae echoing off her voice.

These children, eating your food and sitting on your couch. ‘Angry’ couldn’t even begin to describe how pissed you were, but seeing as you were the only adult in the room, you had to keep your cool and set an example. Even if the example was for ponies you were sure had no social influence. You cleared your throat of the unearthly growl that had been building and wiped your brow, lips quivering as you tried to keep from screaming your head off. “Number one, breakfast was about five and a half hours ago and number two, why in the ever living fuck are you all sitting on my couch eating my food? How did you guys even find this place out of all the other houses in Ponyville?”

The second filly looked at you like you were retarded. “Why else bro? We’z hungry as fuck and came home to chill for a bit.” Hearing a pony swear so casually buffeted you, nearly knocking you to your feet.

“I-I’m sorry, come again?” You ask, hoping your ears didn’t deceive you.

“Bruh, clean out the shit and dirt from yer ears. The girls and I got hungry, so we was thinkin’ we’d stop by the house and pick up some snackage ‘fore headin’ out to fuck with Twilight and her friends,” said the Reggae pone. “Well, everyone ‘cept for one of us. She got to thinking you’d be pissed at us or something and hid somewhere in the back. Didn’t even bother eating anything, even though she’s hungrier than us horses.” She snickered at her own pun, receiving a high five/hoof from the filly sitting next to her.

“Pancakes are on, girls! Incoming!” shouted the filly behind the couch, jumping into the air and flicking a pan stacked full of said cakes of pan in your general direction. Cartoon physics aided her in landing three perfectly sized pancakes on a plate on top of the couch.

It was mesmerizing to watch as the cakes seemed to defy gravity and land one by one on top of one another, thin slabs of butter falling in place on top of each. Somehow even your bottle of syrup from the cabinets managed to land next to them and not spill off the couch. The filly cook even managed to do a flip and fling the pan she was using into the kitchen, just barely missing the sink and clattering onto the counter. Watching the scene unfold switched the rest of your anger into sheer awe at the skill the filly displayed. It took you a moment to take in what had just happened, but you couldn’t help but feel star-struck.

“Jesus fuck, that was the queen bee’s honey-flavored nipples! Encore, encore!” you cheered, clapping the entire time. It had been way too long since a pony impressed you and you felt that this filly, whatever her name was, deserved your hard-to-earn praise. Though your enjoyment quickly faded as the overweight hamster in your head had a heart attack whilst running on the wheel. Poor, sweet, and innocent Gerald.

Back to the matter at hand, or would it be hoof? Whatever the case, hoof or hand, it took more than a few seconds to process all the fillies had told you, which wasn’t much. But thanks to your OBVIOUSLY superior human intelligence, few words were all you needed to gather the clearer picture. And that picture was…

“Hol’ up midgets, stop eating for one god damned second,” you spoke calmly, which actually managed to get the three in front of you to stop. “What do you guys mean by ‘We came home’? I don’t remember moving into a house with tiny, albeit very cute and heart-wrenching, fillies. I think I, with my glorious and amazing brain would remember adopting you all. So if you all claim to live here…”

The sultry looking one flitted her eyes at you, blushing from your ‘cute’ comment. “Go on Darling, you’re almost there… It’s on the tip of your tongue.”

“That would mean that either A, you are all severe hallucinations and I broke into my own house like a tard, or B, you’re brain-washing magical parasites.”

The three fillies exchanged looks with one another, glancing between you and themselves before bursting into laughter like maniacs. It only re-ignited your anger at them for eating YOUR food. “Fuck are you cunts all laughing at? Those are the only two possible explanations for why I have three of you in my house!”

Your flustered anger only seemed to push them into even further laughing madness. The one filly cook even started to fall off the couch. Their chortles and chuckles tore at you like a tiger eating entrails. Children laughing was worse than their whining, even if the kids swore almost as much as you!

The cook managed to stifle her amusement for all but a second, but what came out of her mouth next shocked you beyond belief.

“Niggee, I can’t believe you haven’t realized who we are. We’re YOU, ya ridiculous dude! Why else do ya think we came ‘home’?” Her smile wavered for a second as she noticed you turning pale. “Mate? You’z okay looking kinda sickly there.”

You didn’t even give her a second look. Instead, you turned to your left and headed off to your bedroom to lie down, at disbelief that any of today could be real. Your brain felt like it was on fire, throwing the obesity hamster back onto the wheel with enough force to jumpstart auto-pilot. You walked down the hall and took another left to enter your bedroom, blindly ignoring your door already being open. Next thing you knew, your brain woke up to muffled screaming next to your green and black pillow.

Fuck, it wasn’t a dream, was it? Jesus Christ it’s going to be a loooong night...

Me, Myself, and I

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What’s in a name?

Author's Note

Oof, this took longer than expected. Really need to get off my ass and write more, even when I’m not feeling up to it. Writer’s block is some bad stuff.

What’s in a name?

Using the power of deduction to put two and two together, you couldn’t figure out which was worse: tripping with Discord or the shower you currently stood in. The events of the day continued to become even stranger as the evening lingered about. Here you sat, in the shower letting your mind wander with the pitter-patter of synthetic rain battered your skin, savoring the warmth and chill that you could only get by bathing. You longed for there to be a way of bottling the feeling of success that bathing gives, for if you could bottle life’s simple pleasures what reason would you have for wanting?

But that’s neither here nor there. Truth be told, the down right dirtiest and bizarre events of today had to be the shower. You turned your head towards the open door agape with the horny mouth of lustful filly you.

“Fuck off, You. I don’t need any more disturbances today, let alone myself,” you spoke with a bite. “Bad enough I already have to have more digits to the voices.”

“Come on now, can you blame a girl for wanting at that body? Isn’t much my fault when you don’t lock the door to thBrVTTtT-” Estra starts, but is rudely met by the door and your bar of soap.

“OUT!”

Estra snorts annoyed and angrily, stomping away from the door and returning you once again to the sound of the drain. Sweet peace. Eventually, the good things have to end and you bid the rest of your strain. Renewed, you wrapped yourself in a towel and exited back to your bedroom, where all four girls sat about in various places. Drunk you laid lazily across your blankets, courtesy of yourself.

Next to Drunkard sat Mime, or what the jokester you asked to be called, and without even leaning up from your phone “So, what are we going to do about plastered right here? There’s no telling what she done fucked with while we were here. And that’s giving her a discount to all the fucked up things I have thought up in the past ten seconds.”

“I say we lock her in the basement like a cruel mistress and give her the bare essentials of survival, each taking turns giving her a HARD time and teasing every bit of information she has,” the Lusty Filly suggested, blushing mildly at the idea of being a dominatrix. Everyone else, including you, looked upon her like she was insane, which in all honesty would make sense. “What, too much?”

You deadpanned, not even giving Estra a smirk. As much as you liked sex jokes, hearing a little girl talk about what is essentially yourself in such a way unnerved you. You still hadn’t figured out if the girls were actual fillies or just dwarves, since they were about the same size as young teenage foals, maybe fifteen at the maximum. You hoped to god they were physically eighteen and not underage in case horny-horse tried to sex some poor stallion.

You tossed around ideas in your head on ways of prying info from drunk’s mind, each one worse than the last. None of the other girls helped either, each verbalizing what amounted to slavery or kidnapping, neither of which sounded good in the long haul. For crying out loud, you had more than two heads at the moment and each seemed more concerned with sticking themselves up their own rears rather than help you. MJ had left to finish raiding the last bit of food from the confines of your kitchen, as well as relieving you of your ‘oregano’. Mime lost interest mid sentence and refocused her attention on your phone.

You wanted to speak up to the brats for both wasting your time and being too scatterbrained to notice cute you steaming up herself, scrunching her snout up like the pones do. Before you could even point at the boiler about to blow, Cutey bleated out expletives unbefitting of a child, shocking the idiots in the room into order, if for but a second long enough to get a word across.

The filly grumbled with intensity that rivaled your own. “Are you serious? Can you jerk-offs quit your squabbling and squirelling for more than five seconds, or are you doofs so unobservant and idiotic that you can’t see the drunk us is inching her way to the door?” She then pointed at said pony, who sat in the middle of the doorway.

Whiskey midget continued to struggle along like an inchworm, straining her forelimbs to just barely touch the bottom of the doorknob. The carpet seemed to hold her down, along with the hangover pulsating in her lower half. Her grunts resounded throughout the room while you and the others sat snickering at the sight. “Stupid fockin’ cunts, I just wanna drink me fill of water! Can’t any of you arses see me strugglin!?”

Christ, was it funny to see someone have a hard time. It was one of the main reasons you were such a jerk to the Ponyvillians, though your experience with the many denizens in Equestria proved that you weren’t alone. Except for the fact that for Equestrians, ‘being a jerk’ consisted mostly of constant pranks and less foul language and degeneracy. Aside from the remarks you received for your behavior, everyone still put up with you, albeit in their own unique way. Not that it mattered to you. You were used to the sting in your chest whenever someone glared at you or whispered within earshot.

Mostly…

Anywho, Drunky continued her almost fruitless endeavour in trying to reach the door handle, barely managing to stand back up on her own hooves for long enough to grasp the side of the knob with her little hoof frog.

“Took them long enough. I was starting to think she’d never manage to recover. I’m actually surprised that she’s not in the hospital from all that drinking. Apple liqueur is a tad stronger than the usual stuff back home on Earth,” Cutes said as said filly headed out to the bathroom.

Still looking at the phone, Mime spoke up while snickering. “Damn straight, darling. I don’t think any of us could forget the first night. Hoof Cloppers’ still has a plaque in our corner of his bar. Couldn’t stop tasting apple schnapps for a week.”

Mary Jane hopped down off your bed and meandered over to the door, flicking her tail up and wrapping it around the small stoner satchel that hung from the knob and whipping it over her head. It draped itself loosely around her neck, swaying side to side as it settled. She gave you each a look of complete douche-itude and walked away, not even bothering to watch where she
was going. It was so amazing that the group could only respond with cheers and amazement.

It was so amazing that you almost forgot to be angry over MJ for not saying anything and waltzing out with your VERY expensive and limited supply. You’d punish her later though.

You took the fillies being distracted by MJ’s disappearance as the chance for ol’ original to talk with drunk one on one. Better that you hear what things she may have done and lie to the girls. You didn’t think the combined pride of the group could take any more blows than it usually did. Weaving your way through the single corridor that stretch through the house, past the sound studio, bathroom, and stairwell, and into the bathroom doorway.

Drunk you lay sprawled out on the tile floor of the shower, cold water dripping over her back and down her tail. She almost seemed at peace, icy needles moving from within the water and into her shot nerves and kidneys, like a hydro-acupuncture. Not that you could really see her face, with her mane unfurling from tight curls and into a cute cosplay wig of certain horror movie girl, who may not also come from a ring. You had to wonder how comfortable it was to lay like that in the shower, given her size relative to your was small enough to do that and not feel cramped.

You decided to break the staccato noise of the shower head by clearing your throat. “So, drunk me. What the fuck were you up while I was out looking for the other mini me’s?” What scared you most was your likelihood of all of you thrown into jail because she had sex with a BABY dragon.

Drank continued looking down into the swirling river below, not bothering to tilt her head up in your direction and respond. Vomit and spit dripped out of her mouth and into the drain, her tongue lapping at the water to even remotely clean the flavor out. She stayed like this for a solid minute before finally giving you a visage of eternal pain of the drunken kind. “Can’t much say now lad, but I didn’t fuck Spike if that’s what you’re getting at. I just helped the lad clean up mah mess I made after downing the entire bottle.”

ENTIRE BOTTLE!? You knew she was trashed, but she drank an entire bottle! Nobody can handle one of those things and not be royally screwed, the stuff was stored near poison joke for fuck’s sake! All to give it that extra ‘umph’.

You looked upon the filly with both confusion and disbelief. “How in the absolute Holy Trinity of Pasta are you not dead?!” She must be joking.

To which she responded with a belch “I don’t rightly know, but this hangover is killing me brain. Could you please turn down your voice by like a four?”

This bitch… “Oh, sorry. I take it you want me to leave until the shower’s done, right? I’ll-”

The filly groaned louder, whining to make her pain feel better. “Pleaaaase don’t leave me here. I can’t move or feel my legs very well and the water is starting to chill. Help...”

The drunken blush began to fade from little you’s face, sobriety returning to her tiny body. While you prefered to let her sit there and suffer hangover for drinking, there was something unnerving about leaving. As much as you tried sucking down your empathy, it just gnawed at you not to comfort her in her time of need. Damn ponies and their magic cuteness aura.

“Fuck it, I’m not leaving until you feel better. At least until my own empathy stops bugging me.”

You walked entirely into the bathroom, kneeling next to the porcelain people washer to prop ‘yourself’ into a sitting position like a dog. Despite her claiming legs not working, she managed to hold herself up well enough. Dang, suckered into letting yourself be lazy, what a twist in situation. You reached for the shower knobs, adjusting the water so that it started getting warm again. Swiftly rolling up your sleeves, you reached up for the ‘Mane and Tail’ wash you kept at hip level, sploshing out a glob large enough to fill your hand. Careful not to get any in her ears or eyes, you scrubbed at the filly’s mane to help loosen the bits of vomit in her matted hair.

‘God, it’s only been a few hours. How did she manage to spit up and knot her hair this badly?’ You thought to yourself. You’d never know.

After finishing in her hair, pun not intended, you moved on down to her back and arm-legs. Unlike her hair, these areas were fluffy and plush, as per usual with pone coats. The breathability and texture of the hair imparted itself into your palms, almost melting them into her tiny body. Upon reaching the middle of her back, you dug your fingers in deep to really clean the alcohol-sweat from her skin. As an unintended side effect, the filly let out pleasurable mews, ones that showed both shock and happiness. One of her hind legs actually reacted like a dog’s would and began to clop on the shower floor. It was an addicting feeling to just watch her react the way she did, almost as if it were more pleasurable than anything in the world.

Your mind began to wander the further down her back you went, thoughts switching back to the events today. You weren’t exactly sure how everything would turn out tomorrow after everything, what with Twilight probably already informing her precious Princess. You didn’t know how it would affect you in any negative way, what with you harboring potentially dangerous magicks in your house. You could go to jail for contributing to their creation, if her reaction was any consolation. Most likely nothing bad would happen, since none of the girls seemed any different than you, even if their ‘normal’ consisted of only one piece of you.

You chuckled to yourself as you finally reached down to her flanks and tail, careful not to touch those filly-bits. ‘Damn, this really looks like it feels good, if her expression is of any sign,’ you thought. ‘It’s like petting a dog. Kind of jealous of her, being huggable and shit. Welp, time for a rinse.’

Though she protested against you reaching for the showerhead, it had to be done. If you didn’t get out at this moment, you never would have stopped scratching her. Thank god you just rolled up your sleeves and didn’t get in with her.

“Drunkerr…” You started, but paused mid-thought. “I don’t think we’ve decided on a name for you yet, have we?”

She looked you in the eyes through her sopping wet mane, using a hoof to push aside some of it over one of her own. “Nah, I don’t believe so. What about the other ‘us’? Any of them have one?” She asked curiously.

“Pretty much all of them, I think. There’s Estra, who is pretty much my sex drive, Pantomime or just Mime, who is all about crude humor, and Mary Jane, who you can probably guess what she’s based on.” You said, counting off the fillies. “Then there’s just basically a normal me. I have yet to see what she’s supposed to be.”

“I still feel like drinking, so what am I just supposed to be called Drunk?”

“No, that doesn’t sound very creative. Maybe something fancy, like having to do with expensive alcohol. You aren’t opposed to being named after an alcohol, are you?”

She scowled at you, nose scrunching up. “What the fuck, no! Why would you even recommend that mate!”

“Don’t hate me for coming up with something. I don’t hear you saying any names.”

“Give me a minute and maybe I would.” She spat. “How about something to do with the history of alcohol, hm? I’d rather it be educational if it’s going to be stupid, dipshit.”

“Fuck you too.” You closed your eyes and thought about history. Greece. Olives and Odysseys. Jesus making a shitty dinner party into the most counter-culture thing with his water to wine trick. “Hmmm… I’ve got it! Your name shall be ‘Vitae’. Aqua Vitae.”

“Vitae? The fuck does that even mean?”

“You dingbat, it means ‘Water of Life’ in Latin. Vitae references the Middle Ages when it was used to refer to wine or some shit. I don’t know, I was high back in high school and looked up alcohol on google.” And people say weed damages your memory.

She sighed, lamenting your inner nerd. “Fuck, I’m not nearly hung over enough for my own bullshit.”

“I think you mean my bullshit, thank you very much. You aren’t me, you’re you.” You gave her a shit-eating grin, worthy of early-internet trolls.

Vitae groaned, walking out of the shower stall and popping open the counter drawer for a hand towel. No sense in using one of the human-sized ones, since they were larger and higher up. Her annoyance gave you much amusement as she stepped into the hallway to dry off out of your sight. Oh well, off to go talk to the other girls.

You followed behind Vitae, walking towards the door and stopping dead in your tracks once you reached it. To the left of the hallway sat Estra and Mime, both giggling to themselves like mad mares.

It was unnerving to see them just sitting there, staring. “How long have you both sitting here and how much of the showering did you see?” Estra and Mime looked at each other, Mime hinting for Estra to tell you what you wanted.

“We came in to see what was taking you so long and saw little lady in there being felt up like a filthy whore. Must have been some experience to be fingered like she was, in both ways.” Estra spoke as she sauteed over to you and rubbed up and down your legs like some sort of cat. “Makes me jealous, her getting all that attention~”

“Fucking what? Gross, you dirty horse. All I was doing was washing her coat and hair, since she was too smashed to even sit up.”

Mime belched out a hearty laugh at the ridiculousness of you ‘touching yourself’. “Maybe Estra here could ‘thank you’ for her! Bwahahahah!”

The two fillies then bolted away from you, laughing like school girls the whole way as you chased them down the hall and into the living room. Oof, this was going to be an extreme experience on the daily and you could already tell it was one you wouldn’t enjoy.

And then the front door opened.

Is... Is that a brownie?

Author's Note

No, this fiction is not dead, nor will it be dead for the foreseeable future. Gracias on all of your patience for this next chapter. It’s not as large as I’d like, but I couldn’t think of what else to add to it without making it seem like an extra large mouthful.

I’ll admit, I’ve been demotivated and distracted with a lot of bullshit in over the past month or two. But I’m back now! Looking forward to serving you all fresh hot pone plot (story, of course).

Is... Is that a brownie?

-Two hours prior to the front door opening-

-Celestia-

‘Dear Twilight,
It has come to my attention that, due to a certain somepony interfering with a spell-matrix, it has led to the accidental creation of ‘artificial ponies’. Due to the unpredictable and usually dangerous nature posed by homunculi, usually my sister or I take it upon ourselves with dematerializing the threats and delivering the pony responsible to the magic council for proper sentencing.

You and I know from experience that Equestrian magic affects humans differently, so I thought it important to mention that the fillies are unique in this matter.
What this means is that unlike every homunculi that has been recorded throughout Eqyestria’s history has always been unintelligent and violent, this particular group of them appears to be an exception. I’ve personally spoken with and inspected one of them with the needed spells and, assuming the others are the same as the one, their unique magical signature appears to be passive as opposed to aggressive. For lack of a better word, they’re harmless.

What I find even more strange though is that while they aren’t biological in origin, the magic signature contained within their mana is faintly reflective of that seen within Anonymous, albeit much more concentrated. I recommend that further examination be done on the fillies and that you update my sister or I of their stability or threat status, as well as containing and dispelling them, should you deem it appropriate.

Princess Celestia, Solar Diarch.’

Finished with her letter, Celestia cast the spell to send it via dragon fire. Celestia slumped down into the cushion that served as a chair for her desk, her back arching onto the floor as she sighed with boredom. Exhaustion plagued her body from the day court earlier in the day. While she didn’t particularly enjoy having to serve as the Canterlot noble ‘babysitter’, it gave her subjects a place to voice their concern. Even if that concern was usually petty and selfish.

“I swear on the Maker...” she began, pausing to grasp the right words. “If it weren’t for the fact that Lulu and I swapped every few days, I would have gone as insane as Discord on Prank day many, many moons ago.”

Solar Diarch or not, the stress from dealing with nonsense all day ate away at her. She really needed a vacation sometime.

A small voice snickered behind her, stopping only to puff on a strange smelling cigarette. The pony responsible for the smell was like none she had ever seen before. Although she had the body of a filly, her mind was like that of an adult.

“Y’know, if you’re really that whacked out, I could always show you my secret way to relax,” said the filly with either malice or trickery. Celestia couldn’t determine what the tone of voice implied. “I know a way that can fix it in little under an hour.”

Celestia scoffed, but quickly put on a smile. “While I don’t doubt you, my little pony, don’t you think that such an accusation is unfounded in reason? I’ve been alive for many a year and have tried all manners of relaxation. But please feel free to humor me.”

The earth filly’s left eyelids twitched. “I’d be happy to. But uh, please drop the ‘my little pony’ schtick with me. It feels demeaning.” She inhaled the last little bit of her cigarette, flicking the butt into the trash can next to Celestia with her tongue. “You mind helping me down into the kitchen in this joint? Anon’s memories only really helped me find the throne room.”

Celestia gave the diminutive filly an apologetic look. “O-of course. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable, Miss…”

“Mary Jane, but call me whatever you think’s cool.”

“Okay, Miss Jane. Once I’ve finished writing these last few letters, I will join you. Feel free to go on ahead. There should be a new guard stationed outside of my room in a few minutes. Shift-change.” Celestia pointed a wing towards the door, hinting that Mary Jane should ask him for directions.

MJ stood up from her seat on the couch, stretching like a cat as she waltzed out of the room. Celestia then began to levitate over another piece of parchment from the small stack to her left, gently depositing the paper onto the ornate mahogany desk. The next hour or two consisted of performing the same mundane action, letters being clearly written in her familiar horn-writing. Other than having to send a letter to some random school asking for more funds or saying yes to charities that had asked her to appear, none of the letters had taken as much time as she first thought. To be frank, she was an hour ahead of schedule, giving her a chance to walk and meet her new friend rather than simply teleporting to the dining hall in the palace.

The walk was rather peaceful this silent night, with Luna’s moon slowly rising over the horizon, signifying that night had officially arrived. Nothing could compare to her sister’s night sky, though Celestia had tried for over many years to replicate it.

Celestia smiled as she thought to herself. ‘I’ve always been mystified by your moonrise, dear Luna. I’m glad you gained back your courage to craft such a night befitting of your name.’ As she mused, the alicorn audibly ‘oo’d and ‘aahh’, spotting a particular old constellation Luna had hidden. Contrary to popular belief, Celestia enjoyed viewing the stars and was an secret fan of cosmology as a whole. Nobody would ever know though, what with the ‘sun controlling goddess’ rumor that a certain Anonymous someone had spread around Canterlot. And many other cities.

It baffled the sun princess at how her lunar counterpart could fit so much detail and magic into just a few hours each night, never repeating the previous one but once a month. While the day time always had the weather, skies, and sun, the night time had its galaxies, stars, and moon to cover Equestria.

Deciding she had had her fill, Celestia continued down the hall towards the palace dining room, room putting it lightly. It was more of a ballroom with a table than it was a dining room. The alicorn gripped the vertical handlebars that acted as over the top door knobs and gently thrust the doors inward, trotting inside while the doors shut behind her.

Celestia’s nostrils flared, inhaling a sweet and spicy scent emanating from the kitchen, unable to keep her mouth from salivating at the unknown scent mixed with MJ’s smoke. ‘Chocolate?’ Celestia didn’t know how to feel about the smell. It made her feel overwhelmed by its almost offending odor. She didn’t know if she wanted to eat whatever was cooking, or fill her mouth with bile.

But it wasn’t terrible enough to deter her. It held a faint hint of burnt popcorn, yet sprinkled with some sort of sugar. The sun maiden crept ever so closely to the door, peeking her muzzle into the room to spy Mary Jane hard at work. She zipped around like a lime green wasp, almost as if she were creating a chaotic dance of sorts. The way she moved held grace and determination, like watching a play about star crossed lovers meeting death’s embrace. A real show. And then, it seemed to end. Moments after Celestia had walked in the filly-mare, did the mare stop her baking and pulled out a steaming tray of brownies. Instantly, the room filled with even more of the deliciously-vile smell than was back inside of the dining room. The brownies seemed to produce the vapour at no end, slowly entrancing Celestia to inquire as to how they taste.

Celestia moved closer to the baker before her, receiving a sly smile. MJ waved her hoof, signalling that Celestia should partake of the brownies.

Celestia sheepishly shook her head gently, sweat beginning to drip down the side of her head. “No thank you, I don’t believe it’s very healthy to eat desserts this late. B-besides, I thought you said you wanted to show me a means of relaxing?”

MJ snorted, chuckling to herself. “Bro, I know you sneak into these kitchens and snack on sweets like a porky pig. ‘Snothin’ to be ashamed about every once in a while,” the filly quickly flashed another awkward smile. “It wouldn’t hurt any to have one brownie and no more, right?”

Celestia watched as MJ cut out a four-inch square from the bottom right corner, lifting it up on a pie knife and waving it about in front of the alicorn’s nose. It waving buried the scent deep into her mucous, earning a few coughs.

She brought a hoof up to her nose, holding her nostrils shut. Celestia gripped the pie knife and pushed it away. “I really think I should just get back to my bedroom and sleep for tomorrow’s duties. I’m greetin-”

MJ coughed in an over-exaggerated manner. “Upupup, shush. Yer gonna turn me into a boring old bat at this rate if you keep your excuses up. I know you and you know me. You’re going to eat this no matter what, Sun booty-booty. You want to shove this cake so far into your mouth that I’d find it in your backside.” She waved the brownie once more.

Celestia carefully looked over the brownie, admiring the fresh crumbly warmth. It spewed forth steam from inside its chocolate core, the chocolate chips on top of it glistening in the mage-crystal lights. The whole thing felt like it wanted to move with a consistency almost like molasses. And the smell, good god the SMELL, was on a whole other level than other baked goods than any of the Canterlot bakeries. It was pungent, potent, and full of the soul of Mary Jane, as if it were part of her magical essence.

The intensity of the herbal smokeleaf bled out as Celestia cut into the brownie with magic to pry it apart. “Welp, I suppose a taste wouldn’t hurt at all. I have been abstaining from sweets today,” she said rather blandly. “Over the teeth and past the gums, beware my stomach, here it comes!”

And that was the last Celestia could remember before her memories faded into nothingness.

I’m sorry

It’s been a long time coming for me to write out something from a healthy frame of mind. For 6 and a half years I struggled with depression and hating myself. I wanted nothing more than to end it all because I felt my life had no purpose. This story started out as a personal place to vent, to disassociate from my problems and live with escapism. Video games, abusing substances, sex, and more were used to fill that void.

I had originally intended for Anon to discover that he really was a piece of shit by way of the fillies being incredibly toxic and him being the only one who would tolerate and deal with ‘himself’. Some sexy sexy stuff here, some slice of life here and annoying people. But it never came to pass because I preferred pitying myself more than I did with doing anything productive

Then I met my wife and had my son. He’s four month old now and I feel more alive than I ever did. I regret to announce that I have to cancel this for the time being. I may pick it up in the future. Thank you all for sticking by and reading this, rating this, and even a few of you for following.

Here is all that remains from the story (so far??)

—-

-Present-

“Sup fuckers, guess who just drugged the queen?” bragged MJ, who was followed by a red-eyed sun princess. Her magic tail and mane flowed much slower than it usually would, flicking back and forth in a careless manner. The colors seemed more muted than normal, with a green tint over each of the stripes. It was a wonder how the green had more of a green tint to it.

—-Anon and the girl’s react to MJ in the way only an Anon could——

Mary Jane set a hoof onto the tower toilet paper tubes that acted as legs for the mare, pushing gently to encourage Celestia to come inside, though the message didn’t seem to be getting across to her high-high and mighty self.

The dwarf you snickered at the princess as the mare zoned out for a second. “Come on Sunny, let’s go raid the fridge for some snackage. Anon hides fruit in the bottom drawers.”

I stood bewildered at the sight. On one hand, drugging the royalty had been on my bucket list. On the other, I was fubernucker beyond the pooch cooch if Twilight ever finds out.

“Well if it isn’t the consequences of the actions I done did. Guess I get to deal with this now,” I said aloud.

Mime looked up at me, double confused. “What’ya mean? This is funny as fuck and can’t possibly have any negative ramifications.”

Estra sounded her concern with me. “Dude, if Twilight or any of the guards find out, they’ll spit-roast us with spears. And NOT the fun kind.”

The sound of shattering glass resonated from behind us all, the touchscreen of the fridge now lying everywhere in the kitchen. I turned to be greeted with a staggeringly pale womanhorse with orange pulp stuck to her muzzle. Celestia slid me an intoxicated smile before proceeding to projectile vomit and create a nice fruit and glass smoothie on the floor beneath her.