It Should Explain Everything
Dear friends and family...
The only place I can think of to start is that I am so, truly sorry. It was selfish of me. To take away something you cared about. I hate myself for that. But come to think, when was the last time I didn't hate myself? You must be so confused and hurt as to why I'd do this. My life was perfect. Great. I was just about to become rules of Equestria. So then why?
I don't want to take claim to have had the hardest life ever, but it most certainly wasn't the best. It all started in Canterlot... Before I even came to the beloved home of mine today. I was a studious young unicorn. I was probably the most focused and driven pony in Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. I kept to myself and had my head in the clouds... Or rather, in books, all day. Sometimes all night, too.
Until one day, I went to the library to check out Star Swirl the Bearded's Book of Spells and Magic from the library. As I walked up to the spot it should be in, under his last name, it wasn't there. But the program said it was...
I bet Rainbow Dash right now is about to mutter, "Why the buck does that matter?" C'mon. I know you wanted to. Anyways.
I went up to the counter to ask about it, when suddenly I found myself face to face with a unicorn around my age, if not slightly older. He had bright emerald eyes, ginger hair and freckles, and a yellow coat. He also had the cutest face I'd seen, and at my age back then, seventeen, I was already shy as it was, and flushed as he looked into my eyes.
I told him the problem, then he came behind out from the counter to walk with me to look for the book. AT this point, however, I'd really forgotten about the book, and was more focused on him. He said his name was Autumn Blaze, and that he was just there to fill in for his sister who usually worked there as an intern. As I heard this piece of news, I was incredibly saddened as that I would probably never see him again. I somehow felt a connection to him, and wondered in that moment if soulmates were real, like I'd read in my books.
He gave me his address so I could send him scrolls, and that's just what I did. We sent scrolls back and forth every day. When I finally saw him again, I was overjoyed. And apparently so was he. We started going out in secret, and after a few months, he asked me to be his marefriend. I accepted, of course.
We'd been together for two years then, and just as he proposed... I was sent away to Ponyville, leaving him and my whole life behind. I was heartbroken. We sent letters to each other as much as possible, but it was just too hard for both of us to maintain a long distance relationship. We both decided it was best to break it off... But neither of us truly could let go.
When I went to my old home in Canterlot, I had forgotten to return a library book. Very overdue. But when I went, I found a certain pony... And seeing him made my heart jolt with love and fear, and I ran straight out of the library, sobbing for everypony on the streets to hear.
But he abandoned his shift at the library and ran after me, and before long, we were talking just like old times. And oh, how I missed the old times.
I began making more and more frequent trips to Canterlot, pretending I had friendship lessons to teach, when really, I was seeing him. There really was no reason to hide our relationship, but I refused to show I had interest in anything else but friendship and studies. It just... Didn't feel right to me to announce our relationship, even to my closest friends.
But then, on March 14, this past spring... He was killed. He was killed in a chariot crash, unbeknownst to the fact that the driver was drunk, and rammed it straight into another chariot. It quickly set on fire, and he went down in the flames that followed the crash.
I was horrified. I felt my life slipping away as I turned into a blank faced pony who spent her time alone and faking smiles. He was my soulmate, my kindred spirit, my everything. And now he was gone, and he took my soul with his. I couldn't even begin to explain how madly in love with him I was.
After a month or two, I began to attempt to collect myself and put the pieces together again. But I found that I could no longer talk about friendship without bursting into tears, could no longer teach lessons without becoming a flat, disinteresting pony.
I couldn't do anything, couldn't carry on. But that wasn't it. I pulled myself together a slight bit, and another month later, I was able to function again.
Many colts, sometimes even mares asked for my hoof. But I politely refused, knowing my heart could belong to none but Autumn. My precious Autumn...
I began to feel insecure about myself, and even about Autumn. I began wearing Rarity's dresses to cover my cuts, the ones that I placed on myself. I hid my anxiety, probably not that well since it was pretty obvious. But I think I hid my depression well.
I'd read a lot about it, and I knew a mental illness when I saw it. Even if it was on myself. But I couldn't help myself. I began to cut more and more, way more than I should've. I felt insecure about myself, my life, every single damned thing. I was in tears by the end of every day, getting worse and worse by the minute.
As I was beginning to ascend to the throne of Equestria, I realized-Autumn truly was my soulmate, and I could never go on without him. If you had a soulmate and found them, it simply wasn't possible. So I decided to die.
I'm sorry I hurt you all by doing it. But I hope after reading this, you'll get more of an understanding on why I did it.
I leave my crown to Starlight Glimmer. My friends will be secondaries. The castle now belongs to Rarity. Fluttershy, take care of Spike. Applejack, you're in charge of the royal gardens and farms. Rainbow, you keep my items and such in the castle. Pinkie, you're of course the top baker in Equestria.
I love you all. But mostly, I love the one who stole my heart from the beginning.
Goodbye...