Author's Note
For Raevyn.
Thank you for the best two years of my life.
This is for you.
Precious
I look at you, fast asleep and peaceful.
You don’t know I’m there- or maybe you do, because you seem a little more relaxed as I watch you breathe. Maybe you can smell my scent, and it calms you. I’d like to think that, but I’ll never be sure. I look at you, and I see me. I see my hopes and dreams realized in your existence. I see my future in your eyes. I see a love so strong it will not be broken.
I have known love before. I’ve known the love of two parents, an incredible brother, an amazing sister-in-law, and a beautiful niece. But this was different. It has always been different. I have known friendship, and I have known family, but until now I haven’t known known the love of a child. And yet, I do- because you’ve been there for practically my entire life.
When I was a child, I thought like a child, and could only see things through that viewpoint. As a filly, I saw you as a playmate, and later on an assistant. It wasn’t until only recently that I understood more. I understood, suddenly, that you have always been my son. You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it. And I have never felt the kind of love for anyone, like I do for you.
We’re different, you and I. Different species, different eyes, different tastes. But anyone who knows the two of us always says we’re so much alike. I have a coat and you have scales, but it doesn’t change the way you used to lay on me for comfort after a nightmare. You’re a dragon, who grew up in a land of ponies, and you probably didn’t even realize how different you were until a few years ago. But you learned. You grew. You understood that you were a product of where you came from. Instead of being a harsh, brash dragon, you’re one who shows unfailing kindness and support.
Sometimes, in the dark, where light dares not go, I think. I worry. In those late hours, I look at myself in the mirror of somepony else’s gaze. I look at my actions through a lens, and I wonder, Am I enough for you? You probably have a family. A mother, a father, a brother, or maybe a sister, somewhere out there. I’ve given you food and shelter and family and comfort and my love, but sometimes, it doesn’t feel like enough- because you won’t know where you came from. I feel sick sometimes when I think about it because I want to give you so much more than what I have. You deserve everything for all you have given me. And in the silence, in the dark, the demons in my mind enjoy whispering that into my ear.
But in the light of day, when the sun is out, the doubts vanish. Because you’re there. You hug me, and you encourage me, and you make me see that I may not be enough for you in my eyes, but in yours, I always am. Somehow, I’m never lacking to you even when I feel like I am the worst failure. It baffles me, to think that in your eyes I do things right constantly when I am so often conscious of my mistakes. But when you look at me, with those emerald eyes, smiling, and give me a hug, I know I must be doing something right.
I never gave motherhood any thought before you came. I had always assumed that I would grow to do whatever Princess Celestia asked of me, and I wouldn’t have time for dating or relationships or children. Maybe that’s why you came to me. I got to experience the best thing I didn’t even know I wanted without the hassle of love. And maybe someday I will fall in love and have foals, but it will never be at your expense. Because you were my first baby, and nopony could ever take that from you.
I worry that I may not be able to give you everything you need, that I don’t do enough to show you how much I love you. But I will spend my life trying to show you. I will comfort you from your nightmares, I will hold you when you’re upset, I will be your biggest fan, and I will do everything I can to protect you and give you the life you deserve. It’s the oath every mother makes to their child, and I have made it to you a few weeks prior to tonight.
Our lives are remembered by the gifts we give our children. If I do nothing else in this life I want to give you the gift of a love so deep, so unending, and so unconditional that I wanted to make you a part of my family permanently. And tomorrow, it will happen. Tomorrow, you and I and our friends will take the train to Canterlot, and I will legally make you my son. I will seal the oath I swore to you in mere hours. Every promise I made to you, I will make true in a few hours.
I can’t sleep now, because I’m too excited, too keyed up about the day ahead. I look at you, asleep, and I imagine the future. I cannot wait to hear the word “Mom” come from you. I cannot wait to hug you as my legal son for the first time. I cannot wait for all the many firsts ahead for us. Today is the beginning of a new chapter in both of our lives, and both of us will write it together.
When ponies told my story, I always imagined it to be one of a teacher and student, with the student eventually becoming a teacher of sorts. I never envisioned that my story would be one of a princess, defending her kingdom alongside her friends and family. I never envisioned a little prince being added to it, either. But stories often take turns that nopony can see coming, and mine is no exception. And although my story has had plenty of struggles in it, it was worth it to begin this new chapter for both of us.
You turn in your bed now, small head turned toward me. One claw comes out from your blanket, and it hangs out. I smile, and gently use my magic to put your blanket back over it. You settle soon after, and let out a small sigh. And I smile, to know that something small I did brought you comfort. I feel an impulse that I don’t stop, and gently press a kiss to your forehead. A comforting gesture from my own mother that I am sure I will carry to you. When I pull away, you give a tiny smile, and it lights me up inside. Seeing that, I think I will try and sleep.
“Goodnight, Spike.” I whisper to you. You don’t stir, and I am calmer.
I crawl into my bed, and I am embraced in a warm feeling that is certainly not coming from my cool blankets. I know that in a few hours, my dreams will become real. Finally, my tensed muscles can relax, and my blankets can warm me in a comforting manner. I can finally let myself drift into sleep.
I used to think that wealth was measured in bits and gold and gems. But in all the wealth I’ve seen, in all the things I’ve amassed in my life, Spike will always be the most precious.
