Glengarry Glen Rainbow

by Peni Parker

Rating: mature
Tags: Ocellus, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Smolder, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Yona, Alternate Universe
Length: 4063

Rainbow Dash takes a bit of a different approach to coaching the cheer squad. Based on David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross.

A story inspired by 2, 4, 6, Greaaat and based on David Mamet's Glengarry Glen Ross.

Rainbow Dash is confused as to why Twilight asked her to coach the school's cheer squad. After all, she doesn't have any cheerleading experience so why does Twilight think she's right for the job?

It's a question that drives Rainbow crazy, until she figures out the answer. Then things get real.

Published 2019-08-19 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-19 17:30:01 UTC

Glengarry Glen Rainbow

Rainbow Dash walked through the halls of the School of Friendship in a perturbed and somewhat disconcerted manner. She was on her way to her classroom where the school’s cheer squad was waiting for her.

“Ugh,” Rainbow groaned to herself, “Why does Twilight want me to coach the cheer squad? I don’t know anything about cheerleading.”

Despite the obvious lack of experience, Rainbow knew Twilight well enough to figure out that she must have had a good reason for wanting her to coach the cheer squad. The only problem was trying to figure out what that reason was. She pondered what that reason could be until she found herself in front of the door to her classroom.

“Well, here goes nothing.” Rainbow muttered as she opened the door and walked inside.

Once inside, she noticed Snips, Ocellus, Smolder, Yona, and two earth pony mares in schoolgirl outfits she’d seen around but didn’t really know. Snips was over by a large trunk full of various pennants, buttons, and other tacky looking merchandise seemingly taking inventory of the trunk’s contents. Ocellus, Smolder, and Yona were off to the right side of the room having a lively conversation that she couldn’t fully hear but could have sworn she heard one of them use the word ‘egghead.’ The two unknown earth ponies were dancing with each other near the center of the room, in what Rainbow could only assume was some sort of cheer routine.

No creature had noticed that Rainbow had entered the room, so she stomped her right hoof a few times to get everycreature’s attention.

“Alright squad, gather ‘round.” She less-than-enthusiastically instructed.

Upon realizing that their coach had arrived, everycreature stopped what they were doing and made their way over to Rainbow Dash. As they all approached her, Rainbow took note of everycreature’s mood. Snips, Yona, and the two earth ponies all had expressions of excitement on their faces, but Ocellus had her usual nervous expression and Smolder her usual apathetic one.

“In case you weren’t made aware, Headmare Twilight put me in charge of the cheer squad for the big buckball game.” Rainbow said once everycreature had gathered around her, “Full disclosure though, I have no cheerleading experience whatsoever. I mean I could tell you the good elements of a cheer, just ask Fluttershy, but I don’t know anything about cheerleading. So, I’m not exactly sure why I’m here.”

The members of the squad all exchanged looks of confusion with one another as Rainbow Dash continued.

“You two,” she said as she pointed to the pair of earth ponies, “What are your names?”

Both mares looked at each other with slightly wounded faces, as though they’d been mildly offended that Rainbow didn’t already know who they were.

“I’m Shimmy Shake.” The light amber pony stated, with no small amount of sass in her voice.

“And I’m Lighthoof.” The light bluish pony added in a much meeker tone.

The names sounded vaguely familiar to Rainbow Dash. She remembered Twilight saying something about having two ponies with dance experience on the squad but was too zoned out at the time to really pay attention, focusing instead on what she would be doing if she were coach of the buckball team.

“Uh-huh,” Rainbow dryly said, “Those dance moves you were doing when I came in were part of a cheer routine, right?”

“Um, yeah.” Shimmy Shake replied, genuinely surprised that Rainbow had even just asked such an obvious question.

“Great, then I’m just going to let you two teach the others what to do, okay?” Rainbow informed them as she flew up to one of the nearby windows to watch the buckball practice going on outside.

Once again, the cheer squad members all looked at each other with confusion.

“Um, isn’t rainbow pony supposed to teach us?” Yona spoke up.

Rainbow Dash let out a small sigh upon hearing the young yak’s question. She ceased watching the buckball practice and flew back down to where the squad members were, stopping just overhead of them.

“Look, I already told you guys that I don’t know anything about cheerleading,” she reminded them, “I know nothing, zip, zilch, nada. How am I supposed to lead you in cheerleading if I don’t know anything about it?”

It was a valid question, one that none of the cheer squad members had the answer to.

“Then, why did Headmare Twilight make you our coach?” Ocellus asked.

At this point that question was like nails on a chalkboard to Rainbow Dash. It had been bugging her ever since Twilight gave her the position and not having an answer to it was driving her crazy.

“I DON’T KNOW!” she blurted out, louder than she intended to.

All the cheer squad members to a step back from Rainbow, having been a little startled by her unexpected outburst. Rainbow quickly took note of how her response had alarmed them and put her hooves back on the ground as she took a deep, calming breath.

“Sorry about that,” she apologized, “it’s just that that question has been bugging me all day and I still don’t have an answer. So for the time being can we just have the two ponies who actually know something about cheerleading lead you?”

None of the cheer squad members were too thrilled with Rainbow’s suggestion, especially Shimmy Shake and Lighthoof, but it was hard to think of any other alternatives.

“I-I guess we can start by showing everycreature a few basic routines.” Lighthoof reluctantly agreed to.

“Y-yeah,” Shimmy Shake added as she made her way back towards the center of the room, “Come on everycreature, we’ll start with a simple Boom Dynamite routine.”

“Whatever.” Smolder commented as she and the rest of the cheer squad warily followed Shimmy Shake, all except for Snips that is, who instead went over to talk to Rainbow Dash.

“You know, for a teacher and Element of Harmony you’re not that good at this.” He bluntly told the rainbow maned pegasus.

Rainbow looked down at Snips with a look of both annoyance and disbelief.

“What are you even doing here, Snips?” she pointedly asked, “You don’t even go to this school.”

“Hey, I have a vested interest in all this,” Snips explained as he quickly grabbed his trunk full of tacky merchandise, “I learned in Appleoosa that some ponies really get into this sport, and that I can sell them these souvenirs for big bits. So, to ensure that everypony is in the souvenir buying spirit at the game, I’m here to help the cheer squad anyway I can.”

Rainbow Dash facehoofed upon hearing Snips’ answer to her question. As if she didn’t have enough on her plate with coaching the cheer squad, she now had to deal with an overeager entrepreneurial pony looking to make a quick money off of the buckball game.

“And how, exactly, do you intend to help the cheer squad?” she inquired.

“Um, well,” Snips tried to answer, “I was thinking that I could…cheer on the cheer squad?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and trotted away, deciding that she’d humored Snips and his antics long enough. As she made her way towards the center of the classroom where the cheer squad was practicing she took note of how things were going so far. Shimmy Shake and Lighthoof were showing Ocellus, Smolder, and Yona a few moves, and although the trio of friends didn’t seem to be having any problems learning the moves, Rainbow couldn’t help but feel something wasn’t quite right.

“They’re not very cheerful for a cheer squad, are they?” Snips said, who was right back at Rainbow’s side, startling her a bit. Obviously he’d failed to realize that she’d wanted to get away from him.

“I guess,” Rainbow half-heartedly agreed, “They could probably use some motivation.”

And just like that, it hit Rainbow Dash like a fright train. She suddenly knew why she was there, why Twilight had put her in charge of the cheer squad. She wasn’t there to teach cheerleading to them like she’d originally thought. No, she was there to motivate them.

The sudden realization had made Rainbow involuntarily give a look of shock, one that hadn’t gone unnoticed by Snips.

“Um, are you okay, Rainbow Dash?” he asked out of genuine concern for the pegasus’ current state.

“I’m better than okay,” Rainbow fervently answered as she shook herself out of her state of sudden realization, “I know what it is I need to do now!”

Within a split-second Rainbow lifted herself off the ground with her powerful wings and flew just above where the cheer squad was practicing. The cheer squad members all stopped what they were doing when they saw Rainbow overhead.

“Practice is over for today,” Rainbow informed them, “Meet back here tomorrow morning at dawn.”

For the third time, all the cheer squad members looked at each other in confusion. However, before anycreature could address their questions to Rainbow, she’d already flown out the classroom door at top speed. The confusion in the room only grew.

“What was that about?” Ocellus asked aloud to no creature in particular.

“Yona not know,” Yona spoke up with a concerned expression on her face, “but Yona starting to think signing up for cheer squad was bad idea.”

“Hey, Snips,” Smolder shouted over towards the young unicorn, who was still in the same spot he was when Rainbow had had her epiphany, “Rainbow Dash say anything about what she’s planning for tomorrow?”

“Nope,” Snips replied back as he made his way over to the group, “All she said was, ‘I know what it is I need to do now’ and then she flew off.”

Shimmy Shake, Lighthoof, and Ocellus all gave concerned expressions similar to Yona’s after hearing what Snips had said. Smolder, however, kept her usual cool composure and, upon noticing the collective unease of the squad, tried to reassure her fellow cheer mates.

“Look, this is Rainbow Dash we’re talking about,” she confidently addressed the squad, “if she says she knows what she needs to do, then I complete faith in her, and you guys should too.”

The looks of unease quickly dissipated from the other squad member’s faces as they felt renewed hope in their coach, due in no small part to Smolder’s rousing and reassuring conviction.

“Your right, Smolder,” Ocellus backed her friend up, “Rainbow Dash would never let us down.”

The rest of the squad nodded their heads in agreement and with that they all exited the classroom, feeling like tomorrow was going to be a cheerleading practice like no other.

The next morning, Smolder, Ocellus, and Yona were all in Rainbow Dash’s classroom at the crack of dawn, just as they were instructed. Shimmy Shake, Lighthoof, and Snips had yet to arrive, though there was doubt as to whether Snips was going to show up or not since he wasn’t actually a member of the cheer squad. The member that were there, however, were all making small talk.

“Yona not used to being up so early,” Yona yawned, “Yak tired.”

“Here, have a cookie,” Ocellus happily offered as she presented a small box of chocolate chip cookies to both her friends, “I made them for Pinkie Pie’s baking assignment last night and had some extra, so I figured we could share them at practice today.”

Yona and Smolder each took a cookie and bit into it and, to their surprise, found it delicious. They had no idea Ocellus was such a talented baker.

“Wow, Ocellus, I’m impressed. This is really good.” Smolder commented as she took another bite.

“This best cookie Yona ever eat!” Yona added as she quickly devoured her own cookie, “Can Yona please have more?”

“Sure.” Ocellus said as the sound of the classroom door opening was heard.

The three friends all turned their attention to the door to see Rainbow Dash flying into the room with a medium sized trunk in her hooves. She placed the trunk down in the middle of the room but didn’t open it.

“What do you think is in the trunk?” Smolder quietly inquired.

“No idea.” Ocellus just as quietly answered.

Yona was about to answer, but Rainbow called out to the group first.

“Let me have your attention,” she said in a very stern manner, noticing that a few cheer squad members were missing, “Where are Shimmy Shake and Lighthoof?”

“They haven’t shown up yet.” Smolder informed her, feeling that it went without saying since they weren’t in the room.

“Well I’m starting anyway,” Rainbow stated as she observed Yona about to bite into a cookie, her third one in the last two minutes.

“Put that cookie down!” she instructed her student as she slowly trotted over to her squad, “Cookies are for cheerleaders only.”

Ocellus and Smolder looked at each other in disbelief. Yona, however, didn’t move a single muscle out of sheer at utter bewilderment.

“You think I’m fucking with you?” Rainbow asked with a serious look in her eyes as she walked past Smolder and Ocellus, getting a little too much into Yona’s personal space for the young yak’s liking, “I am not fucking with you.”

By now some of Yona’s confusion had been replaced by fear and figuring it best to not disobey her coach, she picked up the box with Ocellus’s other cookies and placed her cookie back in it. She also forced a smile onto her face hoping it would help appease Rainbow a bit. It didn’t.

“I’m here from Headmare Twilight.” Rainbow continued as she turned around and started walking back towards her trunk, “And I’m here on a mission of mercy. You call yourselves cheerleaders, you sons of sirens?”

“Okay, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t have to take this.” Smolder said as she started heading for the exit.

“No, you don’t,” Rainbow sternly declared as she stopped just in front of her trunk, “because the good news is you’re all expelled.”

“WHAT?!” All three students shouted out in almost complete unison, Smolder stopping in her tracks.

“The bad news is that you all have until the big buckball game to keep your enrollment here,” Rainbow just as sternly continued, “and it starts with today, starting with today’s practice. You understand?”

Neither Ocellus, Yona, or Smolder answered. They were all still too stunned from Rainbow Dash telling them that they were expelled, or about to be expelled, to give any kind of retort, though Smolder had something she really wanted to say.

“Good,” Rainbow said, interpreting the group’s silence as understanding, “because I’m adding a little something to help motivate you. We’re going to have a contest to see who can cheer best.”

“A…a contest?” Ocellus meekly, and practically inaudibly, asked as Rainbow opened her trunk.

“Yes, a contest,” Rainbow affirmed, “first prize is a copy of Daring Do and the Sapphire Statue signed by A.K. Yearling. Anycreature wanna see what second prize is?”

Again, none of the students answered.

“Second prize is a set of steak knives.” She said as she pulled out a box containing a set of four premium Micro Carbide powder steel knives out of the trunk.

“She can’t be serious.” Smolder whispered to her friends in skepticism, as if trying to convince both them and herself that Rainbow Dash wasn’t actually promising to give them knives.

“Third prize is you’re expelled.” Rainbow finished explaining as she put the box of knives back into the trunk, “Get the picture?”

At this point Yona, Smolder, and Ocellus were all completely discombobulated. None of them knew what was going on or why Rainbow Dash was doing the things she was doing. Each of them wanted to make a b-line for the door. However, since they didn’t have a clear understanding of the situation they were in, they silently came to the conclusion that they should just go along with whatever was happening for the time being, unless Rainbow brought out the steak knives again.

“You know the routines,” Rainbow Dash continued ranting, utterly oblivious to the current state of unease in her squad members, “you can’t do the routines you’ve already learned then you can’t do shit, YOU ARE SHIT, HIT THE BRICKS AND BEAT IT BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT!”

“B-but routines not yak-friendly.” Yona hesitantly spoke up.

“The routines aren’t yak-friendly?” Rainbow reiterated as once again she got uncomfortably close to Yona, “The problem isn’t that the fucking routines aren’t yak-friendly; the problem is that you’re weak!”

Smolder placed a claw on Rainbow’s shoulder in an attempt to divert her attention from Yona, who looked like she might break out in tears at any moment.

“Who the hell are you right now?” she heatedly asked.

Rainbow swiped Smolder’s claw off her shoulder and flew a few inches off the ground.

“Fuck! You! That’s who I am!” she just as heatedly responded as she pointed her right hoof at the young dragon, only about an inch from her nose, “You know why? Because you only defeated a small filly and I defeated a giant centaur. That’s who I am!”

Rainbow then turned to Ocellus, invading her personal space the same way she had Yona’s earlier.

“And you,” she said in an accusing tone, “your name is ‘you’re wanting’. And you can’t cheer in mare’s game. You can’t cheer period. Then go home and tell your feelings forum your troubles.”

After nearly bringing Ocellus to tears, Rainbow flew over to the left side of the room, grabbed a blank chalkboard, and rolled it over next to her trunk.

“Because only one thing matters here!” she continued as she landed on the trunk, “Getting our team and our fans to rally to victory! You hear me, you fucking faggots?”

Once again, no creature said a word. Yona and Ocellus couldn’t say anything because they felt if they did they’d break out crying. Smolder could’ve said something but was smart enough not to say aloud what she was thinking, though she really wanted to.

Once again interpreting the silence of the group as understanding, Rainbow flipped over the blackboard revealing two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.

“A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Cheering.” She explained as she pointed to the letters on the board, “Always be closing. Always be cheering! A-I-D-A. Attention, Interest, Decision, Action. Attention -- do I have your attention? Interest -- are you interested? I know you are, because it's fuck or walk. You cheer, or you hit the bricks! Decision -- have you made your decision for Celestia?! And action. A-I-D-A.”

As impossible as it seemed, Smolder, Ocellus, and Yona were now even more confused than they were earlier. What the hell was Rainbow Dash going on about?

“Get out there!” Rainbow continued, “You got the fans coming in; you think they came to the game to watch paint dry? A fan doesn’t come to a buckball game lest they want to cheer for their team. They're sitting out there waiting for you to give them a cheer! Are you gonna give it to them? Are you cheerful enough to give it to them?”

“Unbelievable.” Smolder commented, unable to remain silent any longer.

“What’s the problem, Smolder?” Rainbow asked as she glared daggers at the gamboge and light gold dragon.

“Seriously?!” Smolder shouted but quickly calmed down, taking a deep breath. She wanted to call Rainbow out to her face, but remembering that the seemingly unhinged pegasus had a set of steak knives in her trunk, decided on a different approach. She decided to play along with Rainbow’s rantings, hoping that doing so might make some sense out of everything that had been happening so far this morning.

“If you’re such a big shot, then why are you wasting your time on a worthless bunch like us, huh?” she asked.

Rainbow Dash smiled condescendingly as she once again opened her trunk, this time pulling out medal in the shape of a heart that all three students recognized as the Equestrian Pink Heart of Courage.

“You see this medal?” she asked as she held the medal up to Smolder, “This medal was given to me because I’ve saved Equestria more times than years you’ve been alive. You see, little dragon, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice creature? I don't give a shit. Good friend? Fuck you! Go have a tea party.”

Smolder backed up a bit as Rainbow put the medal back in the trunk and shifted her attention to the group as a whole.

“You wanna keep going to school here? Cheer!” she stressed.

Ocellus was barely keeping it together at this point, and it was starting to show as Rainbow Dash focused her attention on the changeling.

“You think this is abuse?” Rainbow asked her, “You think this is abuse, you motherclopper? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on the field?! You don't like it, leave.”

Tears could be seen forming in Ocellus’s eyes as Smolder placed claw on her friend’s shoulder in a sign of support. The warm gesture helped calm the troubled changeling down a bit.

“I can go out on that buckball field today, with nothing more than the routines you’ve learned, and get a crowd of buckball fans so pumped they’d riot!” Rainbow went on, once again addressing the whole group, “Today! In ten seconds flat! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A! Get mad, you sons of sirens! Get mad!”

Smolder was already mad though, and she was through playing around. She was about to let Rainbow have it when the rainbow maned pegasus pulled out a sparkly cheerleader outfit and some pom poms from her trunk. As much as she hated to admit it, they appealed to her secret love of cute things and she forgot about her anger.

“These are the new cheerleader outfits,” Rainbow explained as she put out fit and pom poms back in the trunk as quickly as she’d taken them out, “And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you would be pointless. They're for cheerleaders. And to answer your question, Smolder, why am I here? I’m here because Headmare Twilight asked me to, she asked for a favor. Personally, I think the real favor would be to expel all your fuckin' asses because you’re all losers and you’ll always be losers. Now let’s get to work.”

Later that day, Rainbow Dash found herself in Twilight’s office. She was sitting in a chair facing Twilight’s desk with Twilight on the other side, a look of sheer anger on her face. Apparently word had gotten around to the alicorn princess about the morning’s cheerleading practice and she was not happy in the slightest.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Twilight loudly asked Rainbow, both out of anger and genuine curiosity, as she slammed her fore hooves against her desk, “What in Equestria made you think your actions were appropriate?!”

“I was trying to motivate them,” Rainbow explained, feeling she’d done nothing wrong, “I mean, isn’t that what you wanted?”

Twilight couldn’t believe what she’d just heard.

“You call what you did motivating them?!” she once again loudly asked, “You yelled at students, belittled and swore at them, and did you seriously try to give them knives?!”

Rainbow Dash just shrugged.

“I thought it was a good prize.” She nonchalantly stated.

Twilight’s disbelief at Rainbow’s inability to see the problems with her actions was almost as strong as her anger at what had happened. She took a long, deep breath in an attempt to calm down before continuing.

“I’m going to ask you this once, and I want you to give me a straightforward answer,” she said as calmly as possible, which still wasn’t very calm, “Why did you think doing all of those things was a good idea?”

Rainbow Dash placed a hoof on her chin and looked up at the ceiling in contemplation for a few seconds before returning her attention to Twilight.

“Well, I guess it’s because it worked in Glengarry Glen Ross.” She answered.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading!

You know, I'm not sure why but as I go back and watch some of my favorite movies I keep asking myself, "Hey, what if some of these scenes involved ponies?"

Then again, everything would be better with more pony, right?