Untitled Displaced Fanfiction (REMAKE)

by Songbird Serenade Thanos

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Fluttershy
Length: 3183

A shot-for-shot remake of the original story. A stockbroker named Jonah ends up in Ponyville. He decides to influence its culture.

A man is sucked into Equestria via a copy of All-Star Batman and Robin. Strange things happen and he attempts to rule Equestria. In the end, pony society is in such a state, there may not be anything left to rule.

After asking for an receiving some criticism, I decided to remake Untitled Displaced Fanfiction with a more slow pace and a slightly more serious tone. Also, I will be toning down some of the more explicit/extreme content. In a sense, the pace will be less rushed and hopefully, the story will feel less mean-spirited.

Published 2019-08-22 17:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-15 17:27:28 UTC

sicko mode

Jonah Crumble was not a man of great moral fibre. He was, though, a stockbroker that led a fairly upper middle class life. He parked his car in the third space from the leftmost edge of the car park, despite the car park in question being deserted. Jonah got out of his Cadillac and locked the door. His suit was Armani and his sunglasses were Gucci. He gazed at the Cadillac's bright red paintjob and thought to himself "Yep. That's a pretty good looking car, alright,"

He then began walking toward the comic book shop. He looked around. No-one was following him. He had recently managed to successfully blackmail his secretary into ceasing to stalk him. Nonetheless, he still felt vulnerable. He recognised the square building with its banner that utilised comic sans and its jarring colour scheme. One may wonder why a man such as Jonah who had such a passion for Cadillacs and luxury fashion items was visiting such a run-down comics shop. The answer was quite simple. Middlebrow Anne's was the only place in town one could get relatively rare comic books such as All-Star Batman and Robin without utilising the internet. Here, one could get omnibuses and trade paperbacks of discontinued, unfinished or little-known series for relatively cheap. For you see, Jonah also had a passion for comic books. Jonah knocked on the door and he was greeted by the painted-over visage of MIddlebrow Anne peeking through the door. Middlebrow Anne had painted herself a light orange and given herself a tramp stamp featuring three apples on the side of her right butt-cheek so as to look like Applejack. Jonah forced a smile.

"No need to worry. It's just me," he said through gritted teeth.

Anne opened the door fully and welcomed Jonah in. Jonah stepped inside and produced fifteen crisp US notes (legal tender, not counterfeit). Anne examined the notes. She then produced a sealed brown paper bag that had a hardcover edition of All-Star Batman and Robin (that collected issues one to nine) by Frank Miller inside. Jonah thanked her. Anne sneezed and then began to sob. Jonah noticed the trash bags sitting just behind the counter. He wondered what was in them and whether Anne would ever take them out. He exited the store with his product and made his way to the park. He sat down at the park bench and carefully removed the clear Sellotape that was binding the top flap of the bag to the back. A man then sat beside him. He was clad in a white trench coat and multi-coloured fedora.

"And the elephants were boiled in their tanks. Jesus saves. Always remember to keep one for the road," said the man to Jonah.

The man then left. Jonah then proceeded to take out the comic and open it up. He read the introduction (by Frank Miller himself) dutifully. It was when he turned to the first page of sequential art, however, that the comic sucked Jonah into another dimension.

Jonah woke up in Twilight Sparkle's bed. Of course, he didn't know that. He didn't know of Twilight Sparkle or the race of talking equines that populated this planet. He did, however, know that this was not his home. He was sweating profusely and felt as if he was about to vomit. He promptly vomited all over the floor next to him and then fell sideway onto the vomit, carrying his bedsheets with him. He crawled to the door on all fours and managed to pick himself up using the doorknob. He spied through the keyhole. He noticed that the interior of this home had been carved into a tree. The architecture also contained a lot more bulging walls and soft edges than ordinary modern architecture. The shapes used and the general structure of the house was very fluid and organic which made sense considering that it was situated in the inside of a tree. He opened the door slightly so as to have greater visibility. The house seemed empty. Jonah crept down the immaculately carved wooden stairs. He then tripped on Spike and fell down the stairs. Jonah noticed that blood was slowly streaming from his forehead and screamed. Twilight Sparkle, on the other hand, was busy taking a crap when she heard Jonah's screaming and sobbing.

"OK, OK, I should probably hurry up now," she grunted.

She then squeezed out a giant log of shit. It was pretty fuckin' big. It was a big ass piece of doo-doo. She wiped her ass using her magic and rushed down the stairs.

"Spike! You poopyhead! I told you not to sleep on the goddamn stairs! This is why you should pace yourself appropriately! Don't work so hard you end up sleeping on the stairs or this happens!" Twilight Sparkle shouted.

"Now, apologise to this... thing," she said, waving her woof in Jonah's general direction.

"Sorry," she said to Jonah, cringing slightly.

"Oh my god! I'm so, so sorry! Oh God, Twilight! I didn't know!" cried Spike, having been snapped out of any potential grogginess by severe guilt.

Twilight cast a healing spell on Jonah and the wound closed up. She then used her magic to stand Jonah upright. Jonah screamed at the sight of Twilight and backed into the wall.

"What the fuck!" he cried, "What the fuck!"

Twilight and Spike stared at one another. Twilight approached Jonah and calmly explained the circumstances in which she found him. He was found lying face-first in a pile of mud in Sweet Apple Acres. Granny Smith considered shooting Jonah as he looked like a dangerous creature but the more liberal and forgiving younger members of the family vetoed that particular motion. Applejack informed the rest of the Mane Six about what had been found and Twilight requested that she keep the specimen for research.

"So, I'm gonna be some kind of lab freak?" asked Jonah, eyes red and raw from tears.

"Well, I don't know if freak is the terminology I'd use but other than that, sure! You can rest assured that all of my experiments will be ethical and safe for all parties involved! You have nothing to worry about!" said Twilight proudly, thrusting her hoof upward.

"You'll get free room and board, an introduction to Equestrian culture and a Sunday off! To be honest, from my perspective, it seems like you have a better deal than I have!" said Spike, playfully elbowing Jonah in the ribs at the last part.

Jonah was utterly terrified.

TO BE CONTINUED...

sicko mode part two

Jonah Crumble was being injected with experimental narcotics. These compounds were causing him to hallucinate. He gibbered in fear at unseen monsters while strapped to a crucifix-shaped operating table. Eventually, an eagle came down and ate his liver. He screamed.

“Spike! It appears the subject is under distress! Inject the depressant!” shouted Twilight.

Spike did as he was told. Jonah’s body underwent violent convulsions.

Jonah admired Equestrian culture. In terms of transport, architecture and cuisine, there was much to appreciate. In terms of the arts, though, Jonah found their plays to be a bit emotionally manipulative and contrived. The ponies needed someone able to explore the dark and and carnal aspect of reality, thought Jonah. Then he questioned himself. Did they? We’re his standards not arbitrary. Was it not good that their art was so innocent? Jonah clapped.

Twilight was measuring Jonah’s brainwaves one night. She noticed something peculiar. Pony and human brains were almost identical apart from an extra wave that was clearly linked to a unicorn’s magical abilities. Thus, the difference between ponies and humans was purely sociological. Jonah found that fascinating. Twilight then announced that he was to be taken to see royalty tomorrow. Jonah smiled. This was getting interesting. His future in this strange new land was looking bright. So long loneliness. So long escapism. So long addiction. The human world seemed so empty to Jonah at this point.

Celestia was dressed in the garb of a priest when Jonah was being introduced to her. She smiled.

“He’d probably be very useful for manual labour,” said Celestia.

“Very useful, indeed ma’am,” said Jonah, under the impression that those carrying out manual labour for the royals get better living conditions than lab rats.

Life is after all, about moving on up in the world. He shook her hoof and Jonah was introduced to Luna, who was playing her Nintendo Switch. Luna perked up when she saw Jonah and whispered something into his ear.

TO BE CONTINUED...

blackpool grime

After that, life returned to normal for Jonah. He tended the gardens dutifully. There was a secret area of the garden used to store flowers that can be used as weapons (due to them expelling deadly gas). He had shown some of the ponies Halloween II and from that reached the conclusion that humans had a greater overall capacity for evil. Some walked out as the level of violence being shown on screen was unprecedented. While horror movies did exist, there was a taboo against blood or gore. There was also a secret flower being grown as part of phase two. Celestia and Luna planned to poison the water supply with psychedelics so as to raise the consciousnesses of the average pony. Jonah naturally agreed with this plan. Not, of course, because he saw any inherent value in psychedelics but simply because it is important to endear oneself to those that are in power, no matter now insane they may be. This secret flower secreted a magical juice that, when dropped into water, produced a compound that brought on vivid hallucinations. It bore a stark resemblance to Ring Embrace, a mythical flower species that pony theologians trace back to the beginning of the universe, contained a genetic code similar to ponies and may have been eaten by King Solomon (not our King Solomon, their King Solomon).

Ten days remained until phase two was to be put into action. Jonah decided to visit Fluttershy. She was visibly scared of Jonah and while she had indeed grown out of her social anxiety in regards to other ponies, she was understandably on guard when confronted with Jonah.

“I just wanted to say,” said Jonah through the crack in the door “I really would recommend not giving your animals water ten days from now,”

“Why?” asked Fluttershy, shaking nervously.

Jonah faked a blush and made a few performative stammers.

“I’m not supposed to tell you this, but...” he said softly.

Fluttershy’s countenance remained frozen.

“I have secret intel from the royal sisters that a terrorist may be poisoning the water supply with something that makes animals go psychotic,” said Jonah.

Fluttershy looked absolutely terrified.

“Of course, even if the information turns out to be true, it wouldn’t affect ponies in the slightest, it’d be completely harmless. Trust me on that, Fluttershy. Trust me. In the interest of national security, do NOT tell any of your friends about this visit or what you’ve learned, alright?” said Jonah.

Fluttershy nodded quickly.

Jonah then gave her a half-hearted thumbs up and walked off. It was a strange line to draw, he thought. He was perfectly willing to let all of Ponyville be poisoned but was concerned for the safety of Fluttershy’s pets. Then again, he was going by the assumption that the sisters were telling the truth when they said the hallucinogenic fluid would expand consciousnesses and not simply drive everypony crazy. Jonah acknowledged that that was a very stupid assumption. What else could he do? Who knows how the royal sisters would react to him abandoning his post. He also didn’t know how long phase two would last. This meant that he could die of dehydration while waiting for the ponies to come down from their trip. Either that or end up accidentally ingesting the poison and possibly die or be driven mad. He didn’t know if the princesses knew what they were talking about.

A new movie was soon to come out inspired by Halloween II that would push the envelope and break the violence taboo. Conservative commentators were already calling it the sickest piece of filth to have ever been created. Jonah wondered if this was the beginning of the downfall. If the differences between man and pony were purely sociological, then perhaps ponies would be dragged down to humanity’s level by fiction.

TO BE CONTINUED...

the final chapter

Author's Note

alright, that's all folks!

the final chapter

"How could the princesses do something so evil?" asked Twilight.

"They believed that this would allow ponykind to ascend," said Jonah.

Twilight then set about boarding up the door to her treehouse.

"What could we possibly do?" asked Twilight.

"Take the LSD ourselves?" suggested Jonah.

"Apart from that," said Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash in unison.

"I guess, we could take a pilgrimage," said Jonah.

"What?" said Rainbow Dash.

"The three of us go to the castle and watch over the crazed masses as interim rulers," said Jonah.

"Are you insane? That is incredibly illegal and we'd be rulers of a bunch of madponies!" screamed Twilight.

"Twilight," said Jonah, "you can't keep working for people who despise you."

"What?" said Twilight.

"The sisters were so hateful of ponykind that they decided that it was better off after having experienced a years-long drug trip," said Jonah.

Twilight wept. Rainbow kicked Jonah out into the baying mob. Jonah ran away and kept on doing so until the crowd of addled fools dispersed. He ran to the castle and saw that Luna and Celestia were themselves on LSD, trapped in handmade coffin-prisons. Jonah smiled and tried on Luna's Sunday dress.

"Neigh! Neigh!" he yelled as he pranced about on all fours.

He crawled to the window and looked upon the scattered crowd of tortured souls.

After all that, they still managed to meet in Shibuya. Jonah was still killed by Fluttershy. He wasn't resurrected, though. Ponyville finally had the technology to build Ford Focuses and start wars with Mars. Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy were crucified for being unenlightened. Their friends cheered on their deaths with no hint of remorse as they were so culturally different at this point in time that their morality was incomprehensible to the unenlightened. Twilight wept for the enlightened. Jonah's head was preserved on a pike.

THE END

sicko mode part three

Jonah Crumble was cultivating carcinogenic flowers in the royal garden when a messenger pony came up to him. It appeared that a way back to his world had been found. Jonah knew he was going to refuse but still wanted to see this portal for himself. Perhaps take some of his things back to Ponyville. Jonah thanked the messenger pony and stroked his soft, fluffy mane.

“Damn,” thought Jonah, “this shit’s soft,”

He waved the messenger pony goodbye and put on his Sunday suit. Equestrian tailors were confused by Jonah’s alien figure but Rarity relished the opportunity to experiment. Rarity was a true craftspony, constantly pushing the boundaries of her chosen medium. The suit was dotted with magical flowers preserved with salt.

Jonah looked upon the portal. He knew the ponies wouldn’t accept his cold rejection of his homeland so he put on his best sad face and decided to improvise a touching speech.

“I am amazed by the lengths you have all gone to to get me back to my homeland. I have deliberated for hours over whether to stay and I have come to the conclusion that my true allegiance is to the Equestrian state,” said Jonah.

He then proceeded to turn on the water works. Always good to make people feel good about themselves.

“For you see,” he uttered in between convincing sobs, “I have no family or friends to speak of. You have all shown me the power of companionship and... I feel truly at home here,”

He finished off on that glurgey note so as to effectively tug on their loose and happy heartstrings.

“May I... pick up some things and come back?” asked Jonah, knowing the answer would be yes.

“Of course, Jonah,” said Twilight.

“Oh, thank you, thank you!” said Jonah, kneeling before her to feign obsequiousness.

Jonah slowly walked towards the portal (a pace that subtly complemented the persona created through the speech).

Jonah was in his room. White was all around him. No walls. There was a door, though. On his desk was an Astra 900. A German gun that was used during World War Two. Jonah put the gun in his pocket. Jonah pocketed a few bags of Marijuana he had lying in his bedroom drawer. Jonah sighed and gazed at the lightbulb above his head. Floating there silently. Jonah considered shooting himself. He decided against it. He also picked up his portable blu-ray player along with a copy of Halloween II by Rob Zombie.

Upon walking back through the portal, Jonah was greeted with applause. He smiled nervously.

TO BE CONTINUED...

know that i love you

Author's Note

sorry for the hiatus...

story will be finished soon.

maybe abruptly but will be finished. i want to thank everyone who commented on my stories and gave them likes or dislikes.

know that i love you

Jonah then went to Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie was baking some brownies.

"May I have one of those brownies?" Jonah asked.

"Sure, mister royal gardener sir! Just one?" said Pinkie.

"Yeah," said Jonah "just one,"

"Coming right up!"

Jonah received a brownie which was indeed exchanged for currency. He thanked her and left. He then gazed upon Applejack and realised she may know more about the situation than she let on. She smiled a nervous smile and from that, Jonah knew that Fluttershy had allowed her love for her friends to compromise the integrity of her promise. Jonah wept. Applejack noticed this and came galloping up to Jonah.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I worry for you," replied Jonah.

"Don't. I'm just... gosh darn, that god-danged Halloween movie. It's got me checking every alleyway now. I know it's not real, but... it was so violent and nasty! I sound like such a sissy prude but I never done seen a movie like that before! I don't know what's come over me!" said Applejack.

Jonah still suspected there was more to this.

"Don't worry. Either it'll go out of fashion or you'll get used to it. Either way, the fear will go away with time. Besides, it wouldn't be so successful if people didn't wanna see it in some capacity, right?" said Jonah.

"I guess not," said Applejack.

Phase two was deployed. Jonah was admiring the architecture of Twilight's treehouse while Rainbow Dash conversed with Twilight about the new movie. Twilight was neutral on the subject whereas Rainbow Dash was effusively defending the movie's artistic merit. The LSD-crazed ponies chanted and raved and clubbed one another over the head. Upon seeing this degeneracy, Jonah wept.

"Did you know this would happen?" asked Twilight.

Jonah nodded.

"Why didn't you tell everyone?" she cried.

"I couldn't subvert the will of the princesses," said Jonah.

TO BE CONTINUED...