Fear Me! I Am Menace!
Warning: the following Story contains trace amounts of Ludicrosity, and bad writing. Also I forgot to put in a fourth wall.
The Pink Menace
By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
Edited by: TheWattsMan & Starwind Pen
Introducing Menace: The Most Ironic Villain ever
.
“It was another peaceful day in Ponyville... too peaceful...“
“Pinkie dear, who are you speaking to?” inquired Mrs. Cake from across the counter.
“An aura of malicious intent spewed forth from SugarCube corner, an ominous pre-cursor of the events that were about to befall the unwitting town.”
“Pinkie Pie, a-are you narrating?”
“The thick one can hear the narrator? There’s an inconsistency with the story! Abort! Abort!” Pinkie shouted as she hopped around frantically.
“Oookay then... right, well I’m just going to leave you some cupcakes and you can take the day off.... you look like you need it.” Mrs. Cake placed the cupcakes on the counter and backed away slowly, wearing an estranged look upon her face.
“Day off? This looks like the opportunity our heroine has been waiting for: it’s time to commence the plan. Racing up the stairs to her room, mild-mannered Pinkie Pie prepares to make the transformation into...”
Upon bursting into her room, Pinkie dashed into her closet, and moments later erupted forth wearing her chicken costume from Nightmare Night. “Menace!--no, no, this isn’t right,”
Slumping back into her closet, some more rustling could be heard and she erupted forth a second time, donning the proper costume this time: a black spandex body-suit with a skull on the chest to conceal the color of her coat, a flowing tattered red scarf that covered her muzzle and snout, a gray utility belt, and an ominous looking demon mask with fangs and a light layer of material to conceal her eyes. After focusing hard enough on negative thoughts to frustrate herself, she caused her mane to fall straight, completing her disguise. “I am Menace!”
Upon completion of this costume, she cantered over to her window and shouted at the top of her lungs: “Attention Ponyville, a new super-villain has taken to your posh little town and wil--”
A gruff stallion’s voice cut her off: “Hey, how about you shut the buck up!? I just put my foal down for a nap, and I don’t need some rude filly waking him back up.”
“Sorry!”
“Yeah you better be sorry, chump!”
Pinkie closed the window, her face turning scarlet even under her pink coat. She opted to leave through the front door, instead of jumping out the window like she originally planned.
On her way down the stairs she passed by Mr. Cake. “Pinkie, what are you wearing?”
Pinkie quickly disguised her voice and said, “There is no Pinkie Pie, there is only Menace; fear us and bow to our demands servant, or we shall become your personal end of days.”
“Alright Pinkie, have fun, and be sure to come back in time for dinner,” Mr. Cake resumed climbing the stairs.
“ Fool! You dare to give orders to Menace? You shall rue the day--- Hey, wait I’m antagonizing you, don’t ignore me!” It was too late, and the demands fell on deaf ears as Mr. Cake turned the corner.
“The skinny one shall pay later for his insolence: Menace has other matters to attend to. Awaken, brain.”
Yes, my lord, what havoc shall we wreak upon those who oppose us?
“Do we even have anypony who opposes us?”
Ummm.... Well... There’s... but she has spin class tonight... I suppose.... No... she has that study thing...eww... books...
“Agreed, books are the enemy, much akin to dentists.”Pinkie shuddered at the thought of the enemy of whom she waged an eternal vendetta against as she made her way into the kitchen of the bakery.
Shall we target the dentist office today, my lord?
“No! I mean... no they might possess the dreaded flouride... I hate flouride.”
Very well then, what of the general public?
“Yes, we must spread our message of fear and loathing upon the masses so they may understand who their new masters are. Menace is pleased, Brain.”
Stepping outside of the bakery, our villainess finds--
“Brain are you narrating my actions?”
No, master, why do you ask?
“Because the font was bold in that last sentence.”
No it wasn’t.
Actually it was.
SILENCE KNAVE! The weaker font does an atrocious job of narrating the story. Now where was I? Ahem, stepping outside of the bakery our villainess finds--
“Look, Brain, we need to talk.”
About?
“This narrating: it needs to stop. Now, what shall be our first act of villainy, Brain?”
Hmph...
“What is it, Brain?
Not talking to you.
“Is this about the narrating?”Pinkie reached her right forehoof up to stroke her head soothingly. “I just can’t focus with you making all that white noise in my head. Besides, you’ve got a more important job than narrating, silly!”
Really?
“Yeah, you get to make all the plans! Now what’s our first course of action?”
“Daddy, why is that crazy pony talking to herself?” Asked a passing filly.
The filly’s father responded, “Don’t look at her dear, she’s not well.”
We shall... hmmm... throw pies!
“Excellent idea, brain. Hey you: regular font!”
Pinkie addressed the... huh... how would she address this?
Lord Menace addressed the weaker font
I guess that’ll work.
“Write in some pies quickly!”
Pinkie Pie turned to enter Sugar Cube Cor---
“Not like that, just write in some pies.”
Wh-what?
Move aside, useless plot device, Lord Menace rose a hoof to the sky and a singular magnificent cream pie descended--
Ewww... A cream pie? That’s gross, please be more specific, this is an everyone-rated story.
What do you... wait... awww get your mind out of the gutter, weak font!
“Could you two hurry up please, getting kind of booo--ooored.”
Lord Menace rose a hoof to the sky and a singular magnificent coconut cream pie descended from a ray of golden light.
“Very good, Brain, you’ve served me well, now for our first target-- YOU!” Pinkie spotted a random stallion passerby, hurled the pie with herculean might, and watched with glee as it sailed majestically through the air, ceasing its trajectory only after making contact with the stallion’s head. Much to Pinkie’s chagrin, the pie didn’t explode but rather connected with the stallion’s head with a rather nasty thud sound, the impact causing him to fly backwards about 3 meters.
Almost immediately afterwards, Pinkie’s tail twitched and a literal ton of bricks landed right in the spot where the stallion stood before he received a pastry based concussion. Pinkie hopped over to the crash site out of concern.
Kneeling down beside the stallion her voice full of concern while sill maintaining the disguised tone she asked, “Hey, are you alright? I really didn’t mean to hurt you.”
The Stallion recovered slowly and after observing the situation he replied, “I’m fine and you just... saved...my lif--”
“Silence: Menace wasn’t talking to you, whelp.” Her attention was squarely on the pie in her hooves that seemed somehow unharmed and not a drop of cream was out of place. Upon further inspection Pinkie discovered that it was frozen; a condition that was likely brought on due to the fact that it fell from the stratosphere before reaching her hoof.
“Wait a minute... I figured that out?”
….Yes... All the while a small crowd began to gather around the crash site and murmurs began to spread throughout the onlookers. Words such as “hero” “savior” and “blessing” were thrown around, and Pinkie took note of this and faced the crowd. “You foalish simpletons, I am no hero! I am Menace! Fear me for I shall be your end!”
For all the fear she attempted to instill in the crowd, her efforts were rewarded with unwanted applause. “Stop that, I demand that you stop praising me this instant!”
Her sudden outburst only encouraged the crowd to stomp the ground harder and some began to cheer.
My lord, shall we take our leave? I have the sneeze powder on standby.
Pinkie reached into a compartment on the utility belt and fished out a small sack which she held under her nose while breathing in deeply. The urge to sneeze overtook her and she gave in indulging in the electric sensation as it hit her nasal cavity before she finally felt the air escape through her mouth with a resounding “ACHOO!” that sent her airborne.
A lone crow observed the situation and, after nodding to itself, took flight towards the Everfree forest to inform his master of the events that had just transpired.
Upon reaching the Everfree forest, the crow spotted his destination: A quaint little cottage next to a babbling brook. Angling his body, the crow held his wings taut and lowered his altitude while scanning for his mistress. He finally caught sight of her near the edge of the stream and descended to her side. The crow looked upon the figure of one of the four legged ones that inhabited this world, this one was yellow with pink on its head and possessed wings much like him, so he felt a natural kinship to this one. The crow garnered his mistresses attention with a simple “Caw!”
“Oh, hello, Mr. Crow, how can I help you today?” Fluttershy reached over to the crow and began stroking his head gently.
“Caw!”
“What's that Mr. Crow? You have some news for me?”
“Caw!”
“You say you caught your wife cheating with another crow, and now you're not even sure if your chicks even belong to you, which is causing your life to spiral wildly out of control, keeping you up at night and your sleep deprivation has been directly affecting your performance at work, which goes on to further feed your insecurities, causing you to lash out angrily at any males you see her talking to just in case that happens to be the smug bastard? Oh that's just terrible Mr. Crow, here's a hug.” Fluttershy seized a very bewildered looking crow in her forelegs and delivered a tight embrace. “Feel any better, Mr. Crow?”
The crow looked at Fluttershy with a puzzled look and tried the respond again, slowly nodding his head for emphasis. “Caaaawww..”
“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you meant there's a new superhero in Ponyville named Menace that I must deal with.” The crow nodded approvingly satisfied that his message was finally understood.
“Here's a worm for you, Mr. Crow.” Flutter shy plucked a singular worm out of the ground and she could have sworn it yelled 'Traitor' as she fed it to the crow that gobbled it up greedily. “And just remember, Mr. Crow: if you say anything to anyone they'll never find the body.”
“Caw?”
“Nothing, Mr. Crow, you've done a wonderful job, now if you'll excuse me.” Fluttershy flapped her wings and flew up to the window of her room in the cottage and kicked through it for added effect. After apologizing to the shattered window, she entered her closet and emerged wearing a white pegasus flightsuit that covered the top of her head, a white labcoat, 2 pairs of black horseshoes, a pair of jet-black goggles around her eyes, and a surgical mask.
After looking in a mirror to ensure that her disguise left no trace of her mane or coat color, she began to monologue: “Prepare yourself Menace, for you have incurred the wrath of Professor Falcon Claw for no discernible reason! MWAHAHA--” Fluttershy's maniacal laughter was interrupted by Angel Bunny who threw several small wads of paper at the villainess. “Or sorry, I almost forgot your lunch-time carrot, Angel, come along now, momma has somewhere she needs to go.”
Meanwhile in Ponyville...
“Brain, I thought I told you to stop narrating,”
I don't recall that conversation
Deep down inside he did.
I'm going to find you, lesser font, and then I'm going to enjoy reliving the acts of that one story where master makes pastries from that blue pega--
“Brain! We agreed never to bring that up again, it is a disgrace upon my name,” Pinkie exclaimed her voice filled with authority and raw emotion.
Kiss-flank font... Said the sour-puss Brain.
You will pay--
The Brain was suddenly interrupted by Pinkie Pie's inquiry for their next attempt at villainy: “So, what's our next plan of action? We've already tried spraying the masses with a firehose, but all we did was put out a lousy house fire. Then we tried loading the party cannon full of bits and gems and blasting a hole into the side of a hospital, but all that did was pay the medical bills for everypony in the maternity ward. And now there's all these posters of me around Ponyville calling me the town hero. We need something big.”
A passing pony shouted “Yeah Menace, you’re the best hero ever! Keep rocking on!”
“I’m honestly a little sick of being called a hero now... quick, Brain, think of something!”
What about--
“Something bigger than replacing all of the contents of a recycling can with trash Brain.”
Then we could--
“I'm not changing all of the locations of the books in Twilight's library again, the last time we did that she liked it and gave Spike the day off. I don't want to see a happy dragon, Brain, I want to see a sad dragon.”
Spike was in the library drawing a picture of himself and Rarity on their wedding day; he put extra detail into Rarity’s features, and portrayed himself as a knight with super exaggerated muscles. If anypony sees me drawing this, it would be so embarrassing, was all Spike could think when he was hit by a sudden sneezing attack and accidentally released his green fire which overtook all that he worked on for the past 2 hours and transported it to a random location, as he hadn't put a directional seal on it yet.
He recalled that sneezing supposedly meant someone was talking about you. Sighing he thought to himself Well, wherever it went I hope nopony I know finds--
A sudden outburst of laughter from Twilight's room caught his attention. Inching closer to the staircase he could make out the voices of Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight between their hysterical laughter, and moments later he could hear another voice in the room that identified as Rarity, inquiring about whatever was so funny. There was a moment of silence that was broken by Rarity uttering the phrase “Oh, my... I didn't think he actually thought of me like that.” Spike pieced two and two together and faceclawed as another wave of laughter swept through the library, Rarity’s voice included.
Applejack choked out between fits of laughter, “That's quite a bold way of tellin' somepony that ya like em'! Ahaaha.”
Spike turned and ran out the door of the library shouting, “MY LIFE IS RUINED!!”
Pinkie Pie heard shouting and turned to face the source and saw Spike waddle past yelling “MY LIFE IS RUINED! NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE A SHOT WITH RARITY!”
“See, Brain, that's what I like to see: a miserable dragon.”
Yes,master, I now understand and have concocted a plan far more sinister than anything else we have planned today.
“I’m listening, Brain.”
What if we end the story right now?
“That would be evil wouldn’t it? But we haven’t even met our antagonist yet. Actually, thinking about it a little more, wouldn’t it be more evil if we dragged out the story so the poor sap reading this has to suffer through all of the plot-holes and uncaught grammar errors?”
Yes, master, I see your point. Well then, for our next scheme we must procure a beehive, some duct tape, and a water fowl.
“That’s brilliant Brain, why with those materials we’ll be able to--Hey, do you hear something?”
One second, master, it needs to buffer... Yes now that you mention it I do hear something, I think it’s originating from there.
Turning towards the direction of the noise, Pinkie’s eyes fell on a pony dressed almost as ridiculously as herself being followed by a multitude of hummingbirds.
“So, you must be this ‘Menace’ I’ve heard about. Well, Menace, I am your sworn enemy: The Mysterious Professor Falcon Claw, I hope you’ve enjoyed your first and final day of being a hero.”
“Aren’t you Fluttershy?” Pinkie’s blunt question seemingly took Professor Falcon Claw aback for a moment.
“N-No! Whatever gave you the impression that I would ever share an identity with that nervous weakling?”
“Well, the music for one.”
“Music? What do you mean music? I don’t hear anything, I won’t play your mind games, Menace... you know, unless you really want me to...” Shaking her head, Professor Falcon Claw stiffened her resolve and responded, “No, I mean I won’t play your games!”
It seems she cannot utilize the power of the 4th wall master, press your advantage!
“And the part in the story about the crow tipped me off as well.”
“That crow betrayed me even though I confided in him? He shall pay... I am not this Fluttershy of whom you speak however, and for your insolent heroics, you shall be punished! Get her, my pretties!” With a hoof Professor Falcon Claw gestured towards Pinkie, and two of the hummingbirds behind her flew at Pinkie Pie, who simply side stepped the assault as the humming birds exploded behind her, taking out a fruit-stand in a blaze of fire and skewed physics.
“You’ll have to do better than that, Falcon Claw. I don’t think you’re tough enough to take a villain of my caliber.”
“So much big talk for a hero!”
“What did you call me?”
“I’ve seen those posters all around town, hero, and I must say that though you’ve done such a great job of protecting Ponyville, I’m afraid the time has come for you to meet your end.. if that’s okay with you..”
“I’m afraid the only one who will be vanquished today is you, Falcon Claw!” With that, Pinkie reached into her utility belt and withdrew a-- Crowbar.
Wait, what? Asked the wimpier font.
Distracted by her convoluted thought process, Pinkie was unable to dodge the direct impact of another hummingbird that hurtled towards her with lightning speed, and the resulting explosion knocked her backwards.
You...you traitor! How dare you betray the master? Inquired the Brain that was too blind to understand that the narrating font should remain impartial to any and all of the ponies involved in the story.
Shaking off the impact, Pinkie Pie stood tall and faced her enemy who took the sky while directing more of the humming birds to attack. Pinkie seized the wrench--
It’s a crowbar
….Crowbar.... With her mouth and leapt upon a-- trampoline and took to the sky readying a swing with the wrench that-- missed her target completely, sending her to the hard ground below as looks of horror swept through the crowd-- But at the last moment she used her tail to wrap around Falcon Claw’s hind leg and dragged her nemesis down to the ground with her.
You really want to play this game, Brain?
I will do whatever it takes to see the master come out of this encounter victorious.
Fine, then I side with Falcon Claw, and I will narrate the master.
Professor Falcon Claw bucked Menace with her free leg and recovered to a stand, leaping away to regain her one advantage over her opponent: distance. With a whistle, she summoned all of her hummingbirds to her side, and dispersed them at Menace with a wave of her hoof.
The master reached into her utility-belt and withdrew a smoke bomb that she dashed to the ground with a flourish. As all of the humming birds entered the cloud they collided with each other detonating the entirety of their swarm. The master then charged at Falcon Claw and swung the wrench with--
Crowbar.
...Crowbar with the force of a dragon’s tail. As it connected with Falcon Claw’s head, the force sent her to the ground.
Sigh...
Weak font?
Huh?
What’s wrong? Asked the apparently now sympathetic Brain.
“Uhh, brain and disembodied voice behind all of the events in the story, I think we have a problem... Fluttershy---” Pinkie said making unfounded claims regarding the now unconscious Professor Falcon Claw.
Oh come now, there’s no need to lash out on the master.
I know, I just...
“You guys... I really think Fluttershy is hurt... she isn’t moving, and I think I saw her hoof twitch. Maybe hitting her in the head with a crowbar wasn’t such a great idea.”
You want to talk about it weak font?
“Please narrate me getting her medical assistance?”
Sure, but let’s go somewhere else, there’s a certain “murderer” here who won’t stop crying about killing somepony.
“Kill? I didn’t kill her, she’s unconscious at best we can still help her if we just--”
Nope, the blow set into motion a delayed aneurysm that suddenly took affect, and now Professor Falcon Claw is dead. Congratulations, Menace, you’ve done it, you’ve committed murder and are officially a Supervillain. Enjoy your crappy epilogue.
“But...I...”
Are you coming, brain?
Just a moment The Brain unscrewed the top of Pinkie’s head like a pickle jar and rolled out of her head, but before leaving completely it casually slid the top back on and went to discuss the finer points of Equestria’s political and economic structure.
The End.
Seriously... Go away.
…..
…..
Stop making that face....
Stop it!
Fine... they aren’t dead. Pinkie had a brain transplant from uhhh.... Deadpool. And Fluttershy was brought back by unicorn magic or something...
Yeah, now go away... the end.
