Nailed It

by EchoApple

Rating: teen
Tags: Narcotics, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Button Mash, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 1897

After a long night of partying at Sweet Apple Acres, a seriously drunk Rainbow Dash decides to head into town in search of food. It goes downhill from there.

It was the night of the CMC's cute-ceañera, and to celebrate the adult ponies decided to throw themselves a big party at Sweet Apple Acres. After a long night of heavy drinking, a seriously drunk Rainbow Dash decides to head into town in search of food.

It goes downhill from there.

Published 2019-08-22 05:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-08-22 05:50:01 UTC

"She tasted like marshmallows."

The sound of heavy music reverberated through the air around Sweet Apple Acres.

It was the night of the Cutie Mark Crusaders cute-ceañera, and the CMC had requested to have a sleepover together. To just have some time to themselves, and hang out. And so, they decided to have their sleepover at Rarity's house. With said mare's supervision, of course.

This gave the older ponies a chance to celebrate the fillies' achievements in their own way.

By getting drunk off their plots.

Rainbow Dash hiccuped as she took another big gulp of Sweet Apple Cider. The sweet taste of the alcoholic beverage gently blanketed her tongue, much like that of a warm hug from a mother.

Once the mug was completely emptied, the cyan pegasus slammed it back onto the table with a lopsided grin.

"Sheeee? I tol'ya I could finiishhh it!" Rainbow slurred smugly.

Applejack snorted.

"You can' froww dem apples as furrr as ya kin throw dim." She paused. "Wait, ah tink ah sid dat wrong. Give me a min."

Applejack stared ahead with a blank look. After about a minute of this, her eyes refocused on Rainbow Dash.

"Wat wasss ah talkin' about ag-in?" She asked with confusion.

Rainbow stared at her for a moment before giving a shrug. Well, she tried to at least. It looked more like she just got punched in between her wings and was attempting to knock her assaulter off.

"Mmm don' knooow sirry." Rainbow apologized with another hiccup.

After staring at each other for a bit, and a bit more drinking, Applejack finally had enough and passed out right where she sat. Drool and cider were running down her chin, coating the table with the stench of alcohol.

With her drinking buddy now out for the count, Rainbow Dash found herself feeling restless. She needed to get up and move.

But where to go?

She wobbled a bit in her seat before making her decision.

Rainbow crawled out of her chair and dropped to the ground, face first.

She peeled her face off the ground. Her eyeballs rolled around in her skull for a moment before settling in a position that would put her friend Derpy's to shame. Rainbow then giggled.

Pain was hilarious!

All of a sudden, she felt her stomach begin to turn uncomfortably.

The cider wasn't sitting well.

Rainbow began to panic a bit. She couldn't barf, not all over Applejack's floor! She would be angry at her!

She needed to find something to barf in.

She looked around. The sink? No, that won't work. The trash can? That's for garbage, not barf!

Her eyes then fell on a certain brown cowpony hat a few hooves away.

She grabbed the hat and began to unload the contents of her stomach into it.

Nailed it!

Once the dark deed was done, she pulled her head out of the hat and threw it aside. She leaned back with a satisfied grin.

'Hehehehehe~ I'm so smart!' She thought to herself. 'I bet not even Dawnlight Sparkle-butt would have thought of using that! She would just be all like "oh no what should I do" and then barf on the floor like a stupid-pony.'

Rainbow giggled. 'I'm such a genius!'

The drunk, rainbow maned mare sat there on the floor for a bit, relishing in her superior victory of superioressness.

Suddenly, she felt her belly rumble. She was starting to get hungry. She needed to find some food. But where could she find some?

Rainbow stared ahead blankly, not even realizing that she was, in fact, in a kitchen.

Then it hit her. Ponyville had food, lots of it! She could go into town and get some!

Now with a big dopey grin on her face, Rainbow Dash forced herself to her hooves. She wobbled a bit before finding her balance.

A loud snore caught her attention momentarily. Rainbow looked at the sleeping Applejack, who was now on the floor with her face in her hat.

Rainbow scrunched up her muzzle and stumbled over to her friend. She shook her.

"Heeey 'Jake if yu were hongry you cold've just askkked me. Ahm goin' inta town an' Ahm fine wif sharin'."

Other than a rather loud, bubbly snore; she got no response.

Rainbow shrugged.

"Mmmkay. Suit yurself. Ahm'a goin' to ge' me some hayburrrgers.

Rainbow then pulled away from her friend, turned tail, and left the building.

Rainbow Dash stumbled down the road away from Sweet Apple Acres, humming one of Countess Coloratura's newest songs under her breath.

When she almost fell over for the umpteenth time, she decided to take a break for a moment and lean over the fence.

Dash growled lowly.

All this stupid walking was getting nowhere, fast. It was stupid, everything was stupid. And she was really, really hungry. She really wanted to eat.

Then Rainbow Dash suddenly remembered what she was.

She was a pegasus.

And she could fly.

She pulled herself away from the fence. She rocked a bit with a bright smile before unfurling her feathery wings away from her sides. With much enthusiasm, she began to flap her wings. Her pegasus magic took over and lifted her body into the air.

Unfortunately, despite having pegasus magic that worked instinctively, it didn't change the fact that she was still incredibly drunk off her plot.

And so, her wings skyrocketed her into the air at the speed of 100 Pinkie's per hour.

And for the record, she only screamed a little bit when she hit that cloud and ricocheted off it and onto a nearby roof.

Good thing she's a pony, right?

Her eyeballs swirled around in her eye sockets before coming to a stop. She blinked stupidly.

"Heeeeey, mah ayes are narmal ag-in!" Rainbow Dash giggled to herself. "Yay!"

Suddenly, there was the sound of something opening.

"Huh?"

Rainbow turned her head and look to the side. A young brown colt with a beanie on his head was peeking out of a window.

They stared at each other with mutual confusion.

After a few moments of this, the older of the two gave a wide grin.

"Hayyyy, kiddo! Wha'chu doin' up her in da skkky? Yu ge' los'rr sumfin'?"

The colt blinked blankly.

"Um, but we're not in the sky." He said matter of factly.

Rainbow squinted her eyes in puzzlement.

"What're ya talkin'bout boyyy? Of course wu're in da sky! Where elseee would we pegasuses be? Da moon?"

"I'm not a pegasus," the colt deadpanned. "I am an earth-pony."

"Surrre ya aren'," Rainbow Dash chuckled. "An' I ain' Princess Woona."

The boy-who-says-he-ain't-a-pegasus-but-totally-is twitched an eye before opening his mouth and summoning the demon of a thousand deaths.

"MOM!!!!!"

Through the alcoholic haze in her mind, Rainbow Dash managed to realize the great danger she was in. So, she quickly scrambled to her hooves and took off flying as fast as she could.

She learned a long time ago that when one calls for mom, you better run. Go ahead, call Rainbow what you will, but she would rather like to see her next birthday, thank you very much.

Once she felt that she was a good distance away, she slowed down to a wobbly crawl. She was now hovering over Ponyville.

Now, what was she doing again? It had something to do with Ponyville.

Her stomach reminded her with a loud roar.

Ah, yes. Food. She needed to find food. But where to find some food?

Rainbow Dash scanned the ground from up above. Her eyes then landed on a house in the distance.

Rarity's house.

The wheels in Rainbow's head turned, and then it hit her.

'Rarity has food! She can give me some! I mean, she is the embodiment of Generosity, right? Letting ponies have her things, is like, her thing, right? Being generous-y and stuff.' Rainbow Dash nodded to herself like she just said some kind of sage-like wisdom. 'Yes, this is a good idea. I will go to her house and eat all her food because that's what friends do. They share food and stuff."

Now with a new goal in mind, the very drunk pegasus flew over to Rarity's Boutique.

Rainbow crashed to the ground in front of Rarity's back door. She lifted her head and groaned quietly.

"Bad dirts. You are vury bad dirts."

After scolding the very bad dirts, she forced herself up onto her hooves and approached the door.

It was times like this that Rainbow Dash was actually rather glad that Fluttershy taught her how to pick locks.

Rainbow giggled to herself as she pulled a bobby pin out of her mane.

At least Rainbow wasn't going on saddle raids anymore, right? She was a rehabilitated mare! Although, she ain't that sure about Fluttershy.

She honestly thinks that the yellow pegasus might be stealing her socks when she ain't looking.

After a bit of finagling, the door lock released itself with a satisfying 'click'.

Rainbow smirked to herself as she pushed open the door and stumbled in.

Inside was like a heavenly goldmine. There was food all around.

Rainbow couldn't contain herself at the sight of it all. She tore open the fridge and began eating everything in sight.

And it wasn't long before the kitchen light turned on.

"What in Equestria?!"

Rainbow Dash froze, a piece of red velvet cake halfway sticking out of her mouth. She slowly turned around and looked at her friend Rarity.

The mare's usually fashionable styled mane was an absolute mess, and there were heavy dark bags under her eyes. That pink bathrobe that she liked to wear hung loosely off her body.

Rainbow Dash grinned widely.

She was absolutely beautiful.

"Rainbow Dash, why the heck are you in my kitchen eating all my food?!" She screeched as she ran over to Rainbow.

Rarity grabbed a hold of her and pulled the piece of cake she was eating out of her mouth.

Rarity stared at it before looking in the fridge. She gazed at the remains of her red velvet cake with a horrified expression.

"You ate my cake?" She whispered in a high pitched voice.

"Yeah~!" Rainbow Dash purred in response. "Ya wan'sum of it?"

Rarity snapped her head away from her brutally murdered dessert and stared at her friend.

"...What?" Rarity said intelligently.

"Cum'ere." She swiftly pulled the white unicorn over and leaned in close to her muzzle. Rainbow gently pushed her mouth against Rarity's, taking in the sweet taste of her soft lips.

She tasted like marshmallows.

After a few moments of sharing a kiss, Rainbow Dash pulled away and stared into Rarity's beautifully wide eyes.

"You're a prettyyy poni, Rarity Belle, and yu tas' wunderful. I luv you vury vury much." Rainbow Dash slurred sweetly as she began to sway back and forth.

"Goodnig't."

Rainbow Dash fell over backward and passed out.

Nailed it!

Meanwhile, Rarity stared at the now passed out pegasus with shell-shocked eyes.

She then blinked slowly.

"What the hell just happened?"

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THE END.

Author's Note

First comedy, yay! :rainbowwild:

And also, for the record, I've never actually been drunk, so I have no clue what it's like. I honestly just guessed and went with the flow. And as you can see, that flow took me to skittle flavored marshmallows. Mmm~

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!