Whump!
Applejack grunted with effort as the tree behind her shook and apples fell into the bushels spread out all around her.
Whump!
Again.
"Applejack! Hay, Applejack!"
Whump!
"Applejaaaack!" The cries ended with a familiar yellow filly scampering up and skidding to a halt in a cloud of dust.
Removing her hat, Applejack wiped sweat from her brow with a pastern as the familiar hoof steps pelted closer through the orchard. "What can I do ya for, Apple Bloom?" she asked, replacing the Very Important Headgear that kept her from frying under the blazing summer sun.
"Applejack, Ah need you to tell me where foals come from."
Suddenly wishing it was just the sun making her sweat, Applejack swiped her hat down again, stalling to recover from the shock of that request.
"Ah... Ah thought you'd 've figured that out a long time ago, little farm filly..."
"So did Ah, but apparently not. Scootaloo is going on and on about what Rainbow Dash told her on their camping trip, and it's just eww!"
Seizing on the opening like a life preserver tossed to a drowning pony, Applejack tentatively asked, "And what... just what was she tellin' ya?"
"She said a spidery creature from the Everfree pops out of a giant egg thing when a mare walks by, clamps onto their face, sticks a tube down her throat, and plops an egg in her belly, and then when it hatches it bursts out of the pony's chest like Pinkie Pie jumping out of a birthday cake."
Barely resisting the urge to crush her hat against her face, Applejack sat back on her haunches so she could groan into her other hoof. "Of all the... Apple Bloom, that's just the plot to Hayliens. Now ya know why Ah wouldn't let y'all see the new sequel when it came out."
"Eww. So that's not really where they come from?"
"Nope. Ah can promise ya that."
"Good."
"Need anything else, Apple Bloom? I need to finish this field before Granny rings the bell for lunch time."
"Yeah. Where do they come from, really?"
Applejack silently cursed her mistake, slipped her hat back on her head over a renewed flow of sweat. Her eyes shifted from side to side as she bit her lip.
"Well, ya see..." She coughed. "Foals come from..."
Earlier that morning...
Whump!
"Dottie! Y'all know better than to do that when Ah'm just tryin' to help!" Applejack pulled back from the gate to the pen where the irate sow stood glowering at the orange pony.
"Oink!"
"Ah know you've dealt with new piglets before and don't need the help. It's still just good farmponyship to keep an eye on things. Just in case Ah need to get Fluttershy."
"Oink!" The sow jerked her snout towards the house.
"Fine. Fine. Don't get your truffles in a trough." Applejack couldn't help but mutter under her breath as she walked off, "Celestia, you'd think Ah'd done sold the last ones to a griffon trader or something."
"Well. Time to get to apple buckin'."
"...and that must be why she always has to keep such a close eye on the pig pen when new piglets are due: sometimes the stork is bringing a foal at the same time as the piglets but forgets it needs to go to the house and drops them all off at once, so the new mommy needs to be ready to grab it and rush off to the hospital to make sure it's not gotten a disease from being dropped in the mud or something! Ah knew what Rainbow told ya couldn't be right!" Applebloom stomped a hoof emphatically.
"I dunno, 'Bloom. That's not anywhere near as awesome, and I know Rainbow Dash wouldn't lie to me! She's way too cool for that! Nopony I know ever needed to go to the hospital for a little mud, but mares always go to the hospital for a foal! It just makes sense! Well, except for Rarity—"
"Hay!" came an indignant squeak.
"—that one time she slipped in it and didn't summon her couch in time." Scootaloo smirked.
"That was one time, and she did hit her shoulder really hard! It wasn't because of the mud!" Sweetie Belle defended. "Besides, neither of you has it right. When I asked about it, Rarity hoofed me a box of funny magazines and one of those weird pamphlets Twilight tossed out at the old library before I could read it. Then she said, 'You're a smart filly, darling. I'm sure you'll figure it out.' And I did..."
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pigeons scattered from the square in front of Ponyville Town Hall where Mayor Mare had been feeding them bread crumbs as the horrific noise echoed over the formerly—and, she had to admit, abnormally—quiet little town.
"Oh dear, what now?" She frowned after the departing birds. "I hope whatever it is doesn't do too much damage to the budget."
"I'll go check the ledgers. We might have some leftover Crown funds from the cleanup after the attack of haycreatures from Froggy Bottom Bog last week, seeing how many ponies helped out by eating them," her secretary volunteered. Eyeing the gaggle of small animals streaming away from the direction it had come, she continued, "It might be best if I do that now, instead of waiting for after lunch..."
"I'll bring back food for both of us and we can both make a working lunch of it," Mayor Mare conceded, as she brushed the last crumbs from her hooves. "My treat."
"Oh no! Pinchy-knee, itchy-tail, cold-shiver combo! And it's a doozy!" Pinkie's shout could be heard clearly over the clatter of the tray of muffins dropping to the floor of Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight Sparkle promptly disappeared from her chair in a flash of magic, reappearing underneath a nearby empty table.
"Oh, no, Twilight, she said 'itchy-tail,' not 'twitchy-tail.' I'm sure it's safe to come back out. ...Right?" Fluttershy sank in her seat a little bit, as if about to slide under her own table.
Pinkie Pie stood unsteadily for a moment, before putting on a smile that only looked partially forced. "I don't think a table will protect anypony from—"
Her statement is cut off by the most horrifying noise anypony in Ponyville had ever heard.
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS NASTY COLT-SLAYERS, RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!
Twilight's eyes shrank to pinpricks and her ears flopped back flat against her mane. "Oh no..."
"...they've discovered puberty!" Fluttershy finished, completing the slide under her table.
Smoke drifted lazily through the air as ponies cleaned up the thankfully mild—all things considered—wreckage left in the wake of an angry army of furious fillies chasing every single—and very confused—colt out of town.
"Why would you think it was a good idea to tell Scootaloo something like that, Rainbow?! You should have known they would start comparing stories! At least Applejack had the sense to stick with one that was traditional and widespread!" Twilight's voice was muffled by the bandages across her muzzle, but clear enough. Apparently, pianos can fly sideways, now. "And you, Rarity...!"
"Ahem. Darling, I simply handled it the way Mother did. I certainly never caused a scene like this, growing up."
"And I still don't see what was wrong with telling Scoots the truth. She has a right to know why I never want foals. Ever." Everypony stopped and turned at Rainbow Dash's comment, hooves scraping the pavement with a sound like a record scratching to a halt.
"Uh, sugarcube, that weren't the truth..."
"What? My Dad would never lie to me!"
Author's Note
I logged on today to start writing a different fic that I'd had an idea for while I was at work earlier. I saw some unfinished ideas that never got published, and browsed them for additional inspiration.
I'm sorrynotsorry that this is the result. The other fic idea—which is completely unrelated to this, by the way—may appear eventually.
Sorry, Dashie.
