Author's Note
I broke my heart writing this thing and basically bawled my eyes out the whole time.
This was so utterly painful to do, but I thought I could see Shining's point of view for Behind The Wall, and I wanted to write it.
I am so sorry to break y'all this way. Forgive me for that.
Shiny is probably three or four in this story, for context.
Someday
Don’t hurt Mommy, please don’t hurt Mommy…
Crashy noises are coming from downstairs again. I don’t like the noise and cover my ears. It doesn’t drown out The Monster. Yell, yell, yell. I can hear it even when I squeeze my ears super hard. It’s scary, and I want Mommy to come give me a hug, but she’s fighting The Monster again.
I wish Daddy was here. Daddy meant The Monster was gone. But when The Monster was out, Daddy usually didn’t come back ‘till morning. I want Daddy back more. Mommy tried to tell me that Daddy is still there when The Monster is there, but I don’t think she’s right. That monster can’t be Daddy. Daddy gives me hugs and plays with me. The Monster yells and screams and makes big crashy noises and leaves owies on Mommy. I don’t want The Monster. I want Daddy.
Mommy is crying. I’m up in my room, but when The Monster gets all quiet and shushie, I can hear her. I know when Mommy cries ‘coz she always makes the same noise. It’s kinda gaspy but it’s super soft and really sad. It makes me wanna cry too. But I can’t cry. I have to be a big brave boy, like Mommy says I am.
Crashy again. Shouty shout shout. I put my pillow over my ears to try to make it stop but at the same time I don’t wanna. How else will I know when I can give Mommy hugs? And Mommy has baby inside of her tummy. She said so last week. I’m gonna be a big brother. Will baby be safe in her tummy? I don’t know, but it makes me scared.
Courage, think of Mommy, Courage, think of Mommy.
Mommy says courage is a big word for being brave. She tells me to have it. But I don’t think it will fit in me. It’s really big and I’m really small. But I try and make it fit anyways. If I had it, I’d tell The Monster to go ‘way and leave Mommy alone. But I don’t think it will come. I try to make it come, though. I’m gonna need if I become a big brother.
I try and think other stuff when The Monster is out. Things that make me happy. So I think of Mommy, and I hug Brutus to me, and I wonder about baby. What will baby be like? I try and think it up. I know almost all the colors now. Will baby’s coat be blue like Daddy? Gray like Mommy? White like me? I don’t know. But I wanna know. Mommy says baby will stay in her tummy for a long time, but I don’t wanna wait that long! I want baby to play with me! But maybe it’s good that baby isn’t here yet. I don’t want baby to see The Monster.
I never seen The Monster. I only hear him at night when I’m s’posed to be sleeping. But how can I sleep when he’s making all the crashy yelly noises? I don’t know. Maybe Mommy doesn’t know how loud he is. I wonder if Mommy can make him stop? Mommy can do anything, I’m pretty sure.
Daddy, come back. I want Mommy to stop crying now. I wanna play with you.
I wish Daddy was here to chase The Monster away. I like it when Daddy smiles and says I’m good and we play catch. Daddy doesn’t get mad, ever. I wish The Monster knew that. Maybe Daddy could teach him? I don’t know. I should ask when Daddy gets back.
Shhhhh. It’s all quiet now. I move the pillow from my ears and listen real hard. No yelly crashy sounds. Is it okay to go downstairs now? I want Mommy to give me kisses and hugs.
Courage, think of Mommy, Courage, think of Mommy.
I’m s’posed to be sleeping, but Mommy doesn’t get mad if I come out because The Monster made me scared. I always wonder if The Monster will be there, and it gets me scaredy scared scared. But Mommy always fights the monster. She can do it again. I hop out of bed, and slooooowly open my door, and peek out.
No monster there. Good. But it’s all dark and shadowy and I don’t like it. I go down the stairs quick quick and see Mommy on the couch. There’s lot’s of sparkly tiny things and wet stuff on the floor. I’m not s’posed to touch it. Mommy said so.
“Mommy?” I’m pretending to be sleepy. I don’t want Mommy to know I’ve been up ‘coz she might get sad.
She looks at me, and her face is all happy, but her eyes are all sad. I don’t like that and wanna make it go away. “Yes, Shiny?”
“I’m scared. There’s a monster under my bed.” I almost say The Monster, but I don’t. I know it will make Mommy sad if I do.
“I’ll be right there, Shiny.” Mommy says. Mommy always keeps her promises.
I go back to my room, and I feel better, but I close the door in case The Monster comes back.
I sit on my bed, and I pull Brutus and my blankie close to me. Blankie is s’posed to be warm, and mostly it is, but when The Monster comes, it’s just cold and all sad.
Why doesn’t Mommy move away? The Monster couldn’t find us if we were somewheres else, right? I should ask Mommy, but I’m sleepy. The moon is up super high and I know it means it’s late late late ‘coz Mommy has me go to bed when it’s playing peek-a-boo in the sky.
Mommy takes forever, but she comes. She always does. She sits with me touches my Mane and makes it smooth with her hoof.
“Are those silly monsters trying to sneak in again?” She asks.
Silly?! No, no, no! They’re not silly. Yeah, they’re trying to sneak in, but they aren’t silly. So I nod but I say, “They’re gonna hurt me, Mommy.” ‘Coz they are.
“I don’t think they will, Shiny. You know why?” I really don’t know, and shake my head.
“Because you’re a very brave boy, and those monsters haven’t seen how brave you can be.”
I think about it. There’s that word again. “Brave”. I don’t feel brave. “I’m brave?” I ask her.
Mommy smiles. I like when Mommy smiles. It’s better than Hearthswarming presents. “The bravest little colt there ever was.” She says. Lots of happy feelings come, and I crawl into her lap. I like to do it sometimes, even when I’m s’posed to be big and all brave. But when The Monster comes I use up all my brave and I gotta get some more brave from Mommy. I touch Mommy’s tummy. Baby is in there. I don’t want baby to be scared of The Monster. I’ll be brave and keep baby safe.
“I’m gonna protect you and baby, Mommy.” I say. I mean it. I will. Someday I’m gonna be so big The Monster will be scared of me, and me and Mommy and baby will be happy.
“I know you will, baby.” Mommy says, but she sounds kinda sad. I don’t like it.
“Mommy, can I sleep with you?” I ask. I don’t ask that much when The Monster is there. I usually ask when Daddy is there so he can fight the bad dreams away. But The Monster made Mommy sad, and if Mommy is sad baby could be sad too, and I don’t like that. Baby shouldn’t be sad.
Mommy bites her lip kinda like how I used to chew my hoof when Mommy tried to make me stop sucking on it. She wouldn’t even let me do that. I still do it sometimes when Mommy isn’t watching, but that doesn’t happen much. “I don’t know, Shiny.” She says.
I panic. I have to help Mommy and baby needs to be safe! “Please, Mommy! The bad guy is gonna get me! He makes all the crashy yelly noises and I don’t like it, Mommy!” I don’t say The Monster, ‘coz I want Mommy to think I don’t know ‘bout him being here today.
Mommy looks sad, but she talks. “No bad guy will get you tonight, baby boy. You’re sleeping with me.”
I cheer. Yes! I can make Mommy happy and keep baby safe all night! Mommy gives me her hoof to hold, like when we’re crossing the street to get ice cream and she doesn’t want me to get lost. I take it, and we go to Mommy and Daddy’s room.
The Monster chased Daddy away. I know ‘coz Daddy isn’t making his snory noises in bed. I don’t like that, but I like when Mommy lets me sleep with her and I can smell her. She smells good, and she’s warm like blankie is s’posed to be but isn’t sometimes. Mommy leads me to her bed, and tucks me under her blankies. They’re cold too at first, but when Mommy gets under the blankies and gets around me kinda like a circle, it’s not so bad.
Mommy gives me a kiss, and I get real sleepy real fast.
“Goodnight, baby.” She says. Mommy still calls me that even though I’m not a baby anymore. I get mad about it lots, but I’m too tired to today.
“Nini, Mommy…” I say, and my eyes go shut and dark comes in. But I’m not scared no more. Mommy is here, and she’ll keep me safe. And I’ll keep baby safe even when I’m sleeping.
Someday, The Monster will be gone. Someday, I’ll make it leave Mommy and Baby and Daddy and me alone. Someday, I’ll protect them. Someday, things will be happy again.
