We don't know much about love.

by Vilwind

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy, Romance
Length: 7900

Love is like a pear: it's sweet and it has a distinct shape. Try to define the shape of a pear.

Princess Cadance and Shining Armor attend their first Grand Galloping Gala together, as a couple. Events take place at Gala year before the famous "The Best Night Ever" and before the Summer Sun Celebration.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-14 02:04:02 UTC

Grand Galloping Gala

‘I take thee to my wedded wife, to have and to holde from this day forwarde, for

better, for wurse, for richer, for poorer, in sickenes, and in health, to love and to

cherishe, til death us departe.’

Old marriage vows

We don't know much about love. Love is like a pear: it's sweet and it has a

distinct shape. Try to define the shape of a pear.

Grand Galloping Gala

Shining Armor had reasons to believe – and so he did – that the banquets of Canterlot elite looked different from feasts and revels of regular mortals. However, he didn't expect them to differ so drastically.

Cadance's offer to accompany her to the Grand Galloping Gala was surprising, though not dumbstruckingly. It wasn't the first such offer. Before, when they were going out together, Cadance desired his company on convents and gatherings. Back then, he refused. He was certain that Royalty would treat him as a spectacle at best, and as an intruder and pariah at worst. Cadance laughed his fears off, but didn't insist. Since in all other situations she could be so insisting that the whole house shook and creaked, it only served to reinforce Shining Armor’s belief that his suspicions were true.

This time he agreed. Without hesitation. The offer was made after a long, sincere and emotional talk. After the talk, which brought them together, putting aside former conflicts, the talk which melted the ice of bitterness and pride. After ‘the talk’ Shining Armor would agree to every, virtually every offer from Cadance.

He couldn't refuse her when she asked him to escort her to Grand Galloping Gala which in his mind was like proposing a visit to hell in order to drink a glass of boiling tar while having a small talk with a bunch of fiery demons.

Once the evening came, the Capitan of Royal Guard and Princess Cadance joined the colorful procession on the way to Canterlot Palace – the banquet's destination. And now, in the palace, Shining Armor was experiencing wonder and surprise, even though he had promised himself not to. Shining Armor never understood the need to rebuild and change the palace each year just for the sake of the gala but well he was just a soldier and he rarely paid any attention to this part of the Royal Castle as it had no military quality. When he entered the giant T-shaped hall he realized that although he participated in the organization of the Gala more than few times he never was actually inside.

The longer part of the giant hall had windows, narrow and unbelievably high, almost reaching the ceiling. The ceiling was high as well. Windows were of stained glass, which must have cost a fortune, and yet the hall was uncomfortably cool. Shining Armor wondered why the candles hadn’t gone out yet, but stopped after taking a closer look. The candelabras were magical, perhaps even illusory. Either way, they gave a lot of light, much more than regular candles.

When they entered, close to a hundred guests were already entertaining themselves inside. The hall, in the Armor's opinion, could accommodate at least three times that, even if tables were to be placed in the middle, in the shape of a horseshoe, in accordance with the custom. But the traditional horseshoe was missing. It seemed that they were to feast while standing, wandering tirelessly alongside the walls decorated with tapestries, garlands and pennants fluttering in the wind. Under the tapestries and garlands stood rows of long tables with piles of fancy food on even more fancy plates between fancy flowery compositions and fancy ice figures. Upon taking a closer look, Shining Armor decided that there was more of the fancy than of the food.

“No benches.” He stated grimly, smartening up the short, red, snug-fitting jacket  Cadance picked for him. The jacket of this kind was known as a doublet and it was the newest fashion trend. Shining Armor had no idea where its name originated from and didn't wish to find out.

Cadance didn't react. Shining Armor didn't expect her to, as he knew that the Princess rarely reacted to statements of this sort. But it didn't discourage him. He kept whining. He just felt like whining for a bit.

“Classic music. Cold as hell. Nowhere to sit. Are we supposed to eat while standing?”

The Princess gave him a look.

“Indeed,” she said, surprisingly calm. “We shall dine while standing. Furthermore, care to remember that longer stops near the tables with food are considered a breach of etiquette.”

“I shall take note of that,” he murmured. “Especially considering that there's not much to stop for, as I see.”

“Unrestrained drinking is a huge breach of etiquette.” Cadance continued to instruct him, dismissing his complaints. “Avoiding small talk, in turn, is an inexcusable breach...”

“And how much of a breach,” he interrupted, “does that gaunt idiot in goofy pants make by pointing at me to his companions?”

“A tiny one.”

“What are we going to be doing in here, Cadance?”

“Walking around the hall, making acquaintances, complimenting, conversing... Stop messing up your hair.”

“You didn't let me tie it up...”

“Your ponytail looks pretentious. Come, take my hoof and lets go forward. Standing near the entrance is a breach of etiquette.”

They wandered around the hall, which was slowly filling with guests. Shining Armor was hungry as all hell but he quickly realised that Cadance wasn't exaggerating. It was clear that the customs of the Royalty and Canterlot Elite truly demanded to eat and drink little and be casual. On top of that, every stop at the table required the use of etiquette. Somepony always noticed, projected joy from the meeting and greeted with fake enthusiasm. After a mandatory kiss of air before the cheeks or an inadequately firm hoof-shake, after fake smiles and even more fake compliments, came a short and wearisome talk about nothing in particular..

Shining Armor looked around, searching for familiar faces, mostly out of hope that he wasn't the only odd one out. Cadance assured him that he wouldn't be and yet he didn't notice or couldn't recognize anyone else who didn't belong to the “Elite” fraternity.

The waiters were going from guest to guest, offering wine. Cadance didn't drink at all. Shining Armor wanted to, but couldn't. The doublet was uncomfortably tight.

With an apt use of her arm, the Princess dragged him away from the table and led him to the centre of the hall, which was at the same time the centre of everyone's attention. Resistance was futile. He knew what it was all about. It was a simple demonstration.

Shining Armor knew what to expect, therefore he quietly withstood the looks of insatiable curiosity from the mares and enigmatic smiles of the stallions. Despite Cadance’s insistence that the etiquette forbade the use of magic on such parties, he didn't believe that unicorns could control themselves, especially with Cadance provocatively bringing him out in the public's view. And he was right. He could feel the vibrations from his horn as well as the sting of magical impulses. Some, mares in particular, were tactlessly trying to read his mind. He prepared himself for that beforehand, so he knew how to respond. He looked at Cadance at his side, sparkling with golden Royal jewels Cadance, with her dark violet, with moderate rose and pale gold streaks, mane and purple eyes, and the eavesdropping unicorns were losing focus and retracting abashed, to his utter satisfaction.

Yes, he said in his thoughts, yes, you are correct. There's only her, her at my side, here and now, and this is all that matters. Here and now. And where she was before, with whom she was, doesn't matter in the slightest. Now, she is with me, here, among you. With me and no one else. That's what I'm thinking about; thinking about her, all the time, feeling the scent of her perfume and the warmth of her body. And you can choke on the envy.

The Princess clasped at his arm and pressed herself to his side.

“I appreciate that,” she murmured, leading him back to the tables. “But avoid excessive ostentation, please.”

“Do you Royals always take sincerity for ostentation? Is it because you doubt sincerity even when you see it in somepony's thoughts?”

“Yes, it is.”

“And yet, you appreciate it?”

“Because I don't doubt you.” she clasped his arm even harder, then reached for a plate. “Put some cupcakes on it for me, Captain. And some fruit salad.”

“These fruits are from Los Pegasus. They were probably harvested  a month ago and days are blistering hot. Aren't you afraid...”

“These fruits,” she cut in, “have been harvested this morning. Teleportation is a wonderful invention.”

“Indeed.” He agreed. “Worth making available for the public, don't you think?”

“We're working on it. Make haste, I'm hungry.”

“I love you, Cadance.”

“I asked you to spare me the ostentation...” she stopped suddenly, jerked her head up, pulled her violet locks from her face and opened her purple eyes widely. “Shining! This is the first time you've said it!”

“Impossible. You're fooling with me.”

“I'm not. Up until now you've only ever said it in your thoughts, never aloud.”

“Does it make any difference?”

"A huge one.”

“Cadance...”

“Don' speak with full mouth. I love you too. See what I meant? Dear Faust, you're about to choke to death! Raise up, I'll pat your back. Take a deep breath.”

“Cadance...”

“Breathe, breathe, it will pass.”

“Cadance!”

“Yes. My sincerity for yours.”

“Do you feel well?”

“I've been waiting for this.” She licked some frosting from top of a cupcake. “It wouldn't be proper to react to confessions made in thoughts. I've heard the words, I could respond to them and I did. I feel very well.”

“What happened?”

“I'll tell you later. Eat. The cupcake is delicious, I swear on the Elements of Harmony, truly delicious.”

“Can I kiss you? Here, now, in front of everypony?”

“No.”

“Cadenza!” a unicorn mare with beautiful blond mane came up to them. “So you've decided to come after all? Oh, how wonderful! I haven't seen you in ages!”

“Mint!” Cadance smiled so brightly that that everypony, except Shining Armor, might have been fooled. “Dear! So good to see you!”

The mares embraced each other cautiously and kissed the air next to their diamond-onyx earrings. The earrings, in the shape of a grape bunch, were identical – the atmosphere cooled in an instant.

“Shining Armor, allow me to introduce you to my schoolmate, Diamond Mint.”

Shining Armor bowed down and kissed the offered hoof. He had learned long ago that all ‘Elite Lady Unicorn I Graduated The School For Gifted Unicorns’  mares expected a kiss on the hoof upon the greeting, a gesture worthy of a Princess at least. Diamond Mint raised her head, her earrings jingling. Quietly, yet conspicuously.

“I've always wanted to meet you, Shining,” she smiled. Like all Elite snobs, she didn't bother with honorifics or other courtesies. “I'm glad to make acquaintance with you. You finally stopped hiding him from us, Mi Amore. I'm surprised how long it took you. There's nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I think so too.” Cadance replied casually, squinting her eyes a bit and ostensibly brushed her mane aside, revealing her earring a bit more. “Beautiful bodice, Mint. Breathtaking even. Am I right, Armor?”

Shining Armor nodded. Diamond Mint's bodice, weaved of black chiffon, revealed absolutely everything that could be revealed, and there was quite a bit of that. Carmine skirt, with a silver belt and rose-shaped buckle, had a cut at the side with accordance to the latest fashion trend. The trend, however, required the cut to reach the thigh, while Diamond Mint's reached the hip. A nicely-shaped hip.

“What news from Fillydelphia?” asked Cadance, pretending not to notice what Shining Armor was staring at. “Is your mayor, still wasting money and time on hunting Parasprites in the forests? Is he still considering a punitive expedition against the Diamond Dogs in Ramzling Rock Ridge?”

“Let us forget politics.” smiled Diamond Mint. The predatory look in her eyes and the slightly longer than regular nose resembled the classic portrayal of a witch. “Tomorrow, at the Court, we will spend enough time discussing it. And listening to plenty of moralizing About peaceful coexistence... About friendships... About the need to take a solid stance in the face of plans of our rulers... What else are we going to hear about, Cadenza? What else do Celestia have in store for us?”

“Let us forget politics.”

Diamond Mint laughed and her earrings jingled loudly.

“Rightly so. Let's wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow... Tomorrow everything will be explained. Ah, politics, never ending disputes... They have a terrible effect on beauty. Fortunately, I have a wonderful cream; trust me, darling, it works magic on wrinkles... Would you like a recipe?”

“Thank you, dear, but I don't need it. Really.”

“Ah, I know. I've always envied you coat back in school. Dear Faust, how many years has it been?”

Cadance pretended to greet back someone in the distance. Diamond Mint, on the other hoof, smiled at Shining Armor and with one swift move presented everything the black chiffon didn't cover. Shining Armor swallowed, trying his hardest not to gape too much at the plot, perfectly visible under the transparent cloth. He looked with fright at Cadance. The Princess was smiling but he knew her too well to be fooled. She was furious.

“Oh, forgive me.” she said suddenly. “I see Moon Dancer; I have something urgent to discuss with her. After me, Shining. Bye, Mint.”

“Bye, Mi Amora.’ Diamond Mint looked straight in the eyes of Shining Armor. “Let me congratulate you on your... taste.”

“Thank you.” Cadance's voice was suspiciously cool. “Thank you, my dear.”

Moon Dancer was newest and youngest member of the board of the School for the Gifted Unicorns and thanks to that was the latest hot topic of Canterlot Elite.

Moon Dancer was accompanied by a large and athletically build stallion. Shining Armor, who had meet him before, had something to be thankful for – he finally saw a familiar face, someone who wasn't a elitist snob. But he was far from happy.

“I'm happy to see you, Cadance.” Moon Dancer kissed the air next to Cadance's earring. “Welcome, Shining Armor. You both know count Royal Riff, am I right?”

“Who doesn't know him.” Cadance nodded and offered Royal Riff her hoof, which the spy kissed with reverence. “I'm glad to meet you again, count.”

“It's a pleasure,” stated the chief of Princess Celestia's secret service, “for me as well, Cadance. Especially in such a pleasant company. My deepest regards, Captain Shining Armor...’

Shining Armor, failing to ascertain that his regards were even deeper, shook hooves with the stallion – or at least tried to, because the size of the hoof was well above the norm and made the hoof-shake tough to execute.

The huge spy was dressed in a beige doublet, rather informally unbuttoned. It was plain that he felt at ease in it.

“I thought I saw you talking with Diamond Mint?’ said Moon Dancer.

“I did talk with her,” hissed Cadance. “Did you see what she's wearing? One must have neither taste nor shame to...  Dear Faust, she's years older than me... Nevermind. If only she had anything to show! Damn bitch!”

“Was she trying to interrogate you? Everyone knows that she's spying for those lunatics in Fillydelphia.”

“Really?” Cadance feigned ignorance, which was rightly accepted as a great joke.

“And how are you, count?” inquired Cadance, once Moon Dancer and Royal Riff finished laughing.

“Quite well.” Celestia's spy bowed.

“Considering,” smiled Moon Dancer, “that the count is here on a business trip, such statement is like a compliment. And, like all compliments, it's not very sincere. Barely a minute ago he confessed to me that he'd prefer a good familiar shadow, the smell of burning torches and apple pie. He also misses the traditional table, soaked with beer and gravy, which he could bang on with his mug to the rhythm of indecent songs of the drunkards, and which he could gracefully pass out under to sleep among the dogs eating the scraps. And all my arguments proving the superiority of our feasting traditions were, believe it or not, dismissed.”

“Is this so?” the Captain of the Royal Guard gave at the spy a much warmer look. “And what arguments were those, if I may ask?”

This time, his question was treated as a wonderful joke, as both mares burst into laughter.

“Ah, stallions,” sighed Moon Dancer. “You don't understand anything. How is it possible to impress everypony with your dress and body shape while in the dark and half-hidden by the table?”

Shining Armor, unable to think of a retort, bowed. Cadance squeezed his arm.

“Ah,” she exclaimed. “I see Twinkleshine over there. I have an urgent matter to discuss with her... Forgive us. See you later, Moon Dancer. I'm sure we'll find enough time for chatting. Isn't that right, count?’

“Certainly.” Royal Riff smiled and bowed deeply. “I'm at your service, Princess. Just give me a nod.”

They approached Twinkleshine, who was sparkling with shades of blue and aquamarine. Upon seeing them, Twinkleshine cut the talk with two stallions, laughed brightly, hugged Cadance and performed the ritual of air-kissing. Shining Armor took the offered hoof but decided to act against the customs – he embraced the mare and kissed her soft, peachy cheek. Twinkleshine blushed lightly.

The stallions introduced themselves. One was called Drithelm, the other was his brother Dethmold. Both in the service of Equestrian Military. Both very taciturn. Both hurriedly left.

“You talked with Moon Dancer and Royal Riff,” noted Twinkleshine, playing with a heart-shaped necklace of lapis lazuli, framed in silver and diamonds. “You are, of course, aware who Royal Riff really is?”

“We are,” confirmed Cadance. “He talked with you? Tried to interrogate you?”

“He did,” Twinkleshine giggled. “With significant caution. But Moon Dancer was a great disturbance to him. I honestly thought they were in better terms.”

“They're on great terms,” Cadance warned her. “Be careful, Twinkleshine.”

Twinkleshine smiled in a very strange way. Cadance frowned, but before she had a chance to inquire, a disturbance reigned in the hall.

“They're here,” Twinkleshine coughed. “They've finally arrived.”

“Yes,” agreed Cadance, moving her gaze from her friend's eyes. “They're here. Shining, you finally have an opportunity to meet my Aunt and the members of Royal Council. If we have time, I'll introduce you to them, but for now it will be good if you get to know who's who.”

Ponies stepped aside, bowing to the entering celebrities. The first one was an aged but robust pony in surprisingly modest wool clothing. At his side was a tall mare with sharp features and dark, evenly combed hair.

“This is Star Dream, the headmaster of Canterlot Magic University, the eldest of the living Unicorn Wizards,” explained Cadance. “The mare next to him is Royal Ribbon. She's not much younger than Star Dream, but elixirs are not beneath her dignity.”

Behind the pair was an attractive mare with very long, light pink hair, wearing a lace dress in the color of mignonette.

“Fleur de Lis, known as 'Daisy of the Valley'. Don't gape at her, Shining. She's commonly considered to be the most beautiful mare in the world.”

“She's a member of the Royal Council?” he was surprised. “She looks quite young. Also the work of magic?”

“Not in her case. Fleur is not a member of the Council. Take note of her companion. It's Fancypants. That one is in the council, indeed. Rich, famous, on top of the Canterlot social ladder but remarkably talented at the same time.”

Fancypants looked no more than thirty-five. He was tall and well-built and wore a tuxedo. He was also hellishly good-looking. It was striking even with Fleur de Lis at his side, with her huge, doe-like eyes and astonishing beauty.

Behind Fancypants trotted Princess Celestia with her wings spread behind. She emanated power and regal glory.

“This is the whole Royal Council? I thought it was bigger than that.”

“The Council has five members. Moon Dancer is also in the Council.” Said Twinkleshine.

“There's still one pony missing,” he shook his head and Twinkleshine giggled.

“You didn't tell him? You really don't know, Shining?”

“About what?”

“Cadance is a member of the Council. You didn't want to brag, my dear?”

“No, my dear,” the Princess looked her friend in the eyes. “Firstly, I don't like to brag. Secondly, I had no time to do so. I haven't seen Shining Armor for a very long time because of his duties, there's a lot to catch up with. We have a long list of things to do and we will get things done in accordance to that list.”

“Of course,” Twinkleshine nodded meekly. “Hmm... I understand. There's a lot to discuss...”

“Discussions,” smiled Cadance, giving Shining Armor a lust-filled look, “are at the end of the list. At the very end, Twinkleshine.”

Twinkleshine flinched and flushed. “I understand,” she repeated, playing with the heart-shaped jewel.

“I'm glad to hear it. Shining Armor, bring us wine. No, not from this waiter. From the one further away.”

He obeyed, recognizing the order in the tone of her voice. While lifting the goblets from the waiter's plate, he discreetly watched the two mares. Cadance spoke fast, though quietly, Twinkleshine listened with her head low. When he returned, Twinkleshine was gone. Cadance didn't show any interest in the wine, so he put the unnecessary goblets on the table.

“I hope you weren't too harsh?” he uttered. Cadance's eyes glowed purple.

“Don't try to fool me. You think I don't know about you two?”

“If it's about that...”

“Yes, that,” she cut. “Don't make faces and refrain from making comments. But most of all, don't lie. I've known Twinkleshine for longer than I’ve known you, we like each other, we understand each other and we always will, regardless of any... incidents. I know she had a crush on you and took the occasion when we broke up last time. Now we are together, yet I could sense she had some doubts. I dispelled them, that's all. Let's not divulge.”

He didn't wish to. Cadance brushed mane from her face.

“I'll leave you alone for a while, I must speak with Royal Ribbon and Fleur de Lis. Eat something, I can hear your stomach growling. And be cautious. Somepony will surely try to interrogate you. Don't let them trick you, and be sure not to bring me shame.”

“Rest assured.”

“Shining Armor?”

"Yes?”

“A moment ago you asked if you could kiss me here, in front of everypony. Does the offer still stand?”

“Yes.”

“Mind the lip-gloss, please.”

He threw a glance at the rest of the guests. They watched the kiss but unobtrusively. Moon Dancer, standing in the distance with a group of young looking stallions, winked at him and pretended to clap.

Cadance jerked her lips away from his and sighed.

“Such a small thing and yet so satisfying,” she murmured. “Well, I'll be going now. As for later, after the banquet... hmm...”

“What is it?”

“Don't eat any garlic, please.”

Once she was gone, Shining Armor relinquished formalities, unbuttoned the doublet, drunk from both goblets and tried to make a do with food. Ineffectively.

“Shining Armor.”

“Count Royal Riff.”

“Don't use titles with me,” Royal Riff winced. “I'm no count. Celestia ordered me to introduce myself as one so as not to irk the Royalty with my plebeian descend. Well, how do you fare with impressing everypony with the dress and body shape? And pretending to be having fun?”

“I don't need to pretend anything. I'm not on duty.”

“That's interesting,” smiled the spy. “But this only confirms the rumours that you are unique and exceptional. Because everypony else here is, in fact, on duty.”

“Just as I feared,” Shining Armor didn't smile back. “I expected to be exceptional. As in, completely out of place.”

The spy inspected the plates, reached towards one and picked a big, green pod of a vegetable unknown to Shining Armor.

“By the way,” said the spy, “I must thank you for the Black Stone brothers. Many in Baltimare sighed with relief after you butchered all four of them at the docks in Oxenfurt.”

“They ponynapped a boat filled with thirty fillies and colts.”

“I sure had a laugh when the medic called by the investigation, after having been shown the injuries, stated that the weapon used must have been a scythe arched edgewise.”

Shining Armor declined not to comment. Royal Riff bit on the second pod.

“It's a pity,” he went on, chewing, “that you didn't contact the mayor afterwards. There was a reward for them, dead or alive. Quite a sum.”

“Too much trouble with the tax return,” Shining Armor also decided to try the green vegetable, which turned out to taste like a soaped celery. “Besides, I needed to make haste because... Oh, but I must be boring you, Royal Riff, after all you know everything already.”

"Let's not exaggerate,” grinned the spy. “Surely not everything. Where from, besides?”

“From Moon Dancer mouth, for one. She was there.”

“Reports, stories, rumours. I must hear them out, such is my job. But my job also requires of me to sieve them all through a very dense mesh. Recently, for example, I've heard the news of somepony killing the infamous griffon assassin ‘Professor’ and his two comrades. The pony responsible for that also didn't bother to seek the reward. Funny thing, I heard rumours that he had a contract to kill some unicorn filly in Canterlot.”

Shining Armor shrugged. “Rumours. Sieve them through a dense mesh and see what will be left.”

“I don't need to. I know exactly what will be left. Most of the time, what is left is an attempt of deliberate misinformation. Speaking of which, how's little Twilight? In good health, I hope?”

“Cease while you're at it, Royal Riff,’ replied Shining Armor coldly, looking the spy in the eyes. “I know you're here on duty, but don't get too eager.”

The spy snickered. Two passing mares gave them looks of confusion. And curiosity.

“Princess Celestia,” explained Royal Riff, “pays me extra for every uncovered secret. Eagerness secures my future. You may find it funny, but I have a wife and children.”

“I see nothing funny about that. Work for securing your family's future, but not at my expense, if I may ask. This hall, it seems, doesn't lack in secrets.”

“Not exactly. The whole Canterlot is a one big riddle. Surely, you've noticed? Something's up, Shining Armor. And I'm not talking about the candelabra.”

“I don't understand.”

“I do believe it. I don't understand either. But I truly wish to. Wouldn't you? Ah, sorry. You probably know everything already, don't you? From your charming Princess Cadance, that is. And to think that there used to be time when I, too, learned things from the charming Cadance. But, oh, how long has it been?”

“I honestly don't know what you're going on about, Royal Riff. Could you speak your mind more clearly? Try. But not if it's a part of your duty. Forgive me, but I'm not going to work on your extra pay.”

“You think I want to deceive you?” the spy pulled a face. “Trick you into providing me with information? You're hurting me, Shining Armor. I'm merely curious if you notice, in this hall, the same patterns I do.”

“What patterns do you see?”

“Aren't you surprised by the complete absence of politicians and ponies in power from across Equestria at this Gala?”

“Not one bit,” Shining Armor managed to pierce a marinated olive onto a stick. “The politicians and ponies in power as you stated, likely prefer the traditional kind of feasts, at the table, which they can gracefully pass out under in the morning. Moreover...”

“What?” Royal Riff devoured four olives he unashamedly picked from the plate.

“Moreover,” Shining Armor pointed at the crowd, “ politicians need not bother. They sent an army of spies in their stead. Probably so that they would find out what is up.”

Royal Riff spit out the olive pips, levitated up a long fork and started poking around a crystal salad-bowl.

“Princess Celestia,” he noticed, “took a great care not to omit a single spy. She has all Royal and private spies on one plate. Why would Celestia need to gather all spies on one plate, I wonder?”

“I have no idea. And I don't care. I told you I'm off duty. I'm, so to speak, beyond the plate.”

Celestia’s spy fished a small octopus out of the bowl and studied it with revulsion.

“They eat it,” he shook his head with false compassion, then turned back to Shining Armor.

“Listen carefully, Shining,” he uttered quietly. “Your conviction to your impartiality, your conviction that you don't care about anything and don't need to care... It frustrates me and forces me to gamble. You like to gamble?”

“What do you mean?”

“I'm proposing a wager,” Royal Riff raised the fork with the octopus. “I'm betting that in the course of the following hour, Princess Celestia will ask for a talk with you. I'm betting that during this talk she will prove to you that you are not impartial and that you are, in fact, on her plate. If I'm wrong, then I'll eat this shit in your full view, with the tentacles and all. Do you accept the wager?”

“What will I have to eat, if I lose?”

“Nothing,” Royal Riff looked around quickly. “If you lose, you will recount Celestia‘s speech to me.”

The Capitan of Royal Guard was silent for a while, looking calmly at the spy.

“Excuse me, count,” he said finally. ‘Thank you for the chat. It was very informative.” Royal Riff was disturbed.

“So much...”

“So much.” Shining Armor cut him off. “Goodbye.”

The spy shrugged, dropped the octopus back in the bowl, turned and walked away. Shining Armor didn't watch him leave. He moved to another table, led by a desire to try some of the huge, pinkish cupcakes, mounting to the silver plate among lettuce and limes. They seemed tasty, but feeling the curious stares cast at him, he wanted to eat the crustaceans in a dignified manner, in accordance with etiquette. He approached the cupcakes ostensibly slowly, plucking appetizers from other plates.

At the second table stood Diamond Mint engaged in a conversation with a red-mane mare. The red-mane one had a white skirt and a white georgette bodice. The bodice, like Diamond Mint 's, was also completely transparent, but it had some strategically placed embroideries. The embroideries, Shining Armor noticed, had an interesting quality: they covered and revealed alternatively.

The mares talked while stuffing themselves with slices of cheese in mayonnaise. They spoke quietly and in Fancy. Although they weren't looking at him, they were clearly discussing him. He casted a small and easy spell that enhanced his hearing sense discreetly, while pretending to be busy with the cupcake.

“...with Cadance?” repeated the red-head, playing with a pearl necklace bound around her neck so tightly that it resembled a collar. “Are you kidding me, Mint?”

“Not at all,” denied Diamond Mint. “You won't believe it, but it's been going on for several years. I'm surprised -- how can he stand that harpy.”

“What's so surprising? She cast that spell of hers on him - keeps him charmed. How many times have I done that myself?”

“He's a Royal Guard Unicorn. They cannot be charmed. Not for so long, at least.”

“In that case, it must be love,” wistfully sighed the red-head. “And love is blind.”

“He is the blind one,” grimaced Diamond Mint. “Would you believe, Blueberry, that she had the audacity to introduce me as her schoolmate? Bloede pest, she's years older than me... Nevermind. I'm serious, she's hellishly possessive of this stallion. The little Twinkleshine just smiled at him and this hag cussed her and chased her off. And even now... just look at her. She's standing there with Fleur de Lis but she doesn't take her eyes off him.”

“She's scared,” giggled the red-head, “that we'll steal him from her, if only for one night. How about it, Mint? Shall we give it a try? The stallion is attractive, so unlike those uppity snobs of ours, with their complexes and complaints...”

“Speak lower, Blueberry,” hissed Diamond Mint. “Stop gaping and flashing your teeth at him. Cadance is watching us. Keep class. You want to seduce him? It would be tactless.”

“Hmm, you're right,” agreed Blueberry. “But what if he suddenly came up to us with the proposition?”

“If so,” Diamond Mint threw a predatory look at Shining Armor, “then I would offer myself in the blink of an eye, even if we were to do it on a rock.”

“And I would do the same,” giggled Blueberry, “even on a hedgehog.”

Staring at the tablecloth, the Captain of the Royal Guard hid his face behind the cupcake and cabbage leaves.

“Captain Shining Armor?”

He swallowed the cupcake and turned around. A unicorn stallion with familiar features smiled slightly, touching the embroidered lapels of his white doublet.

“Prince Blueblood. We know each other. We've met...”

“I remember. Forgive me, I didn't recognize you at first. I'm glad to see you...”

The Prince smiled a bit wider, levitating two goblets from the waiter ‘s plate.

“I've been watching you for some time,” he admitted, offering Shining Armor one of the goblets. “You are glad to see me… You said that to everypony Cadance introduced you to. Is it a deceit or just a non-critical approach?”

“Politeness.”

“For them?” Blueblood pointed at the crowd “Trust me, they're not worth it. They're a conceited, envious, mendacious bunch; they won't appreciate your politeness and may even take it for a sarcasm. With them, Captain, one needs to converse in their own way, basely, arrogantly, rudely; you may even impress them then. Will you have a drink with me?”

“The swill served here?” smiled Shining Armor pleasantly, “With all distaste. But if it suits you... I shall force myself.”

Diamond Mint and Blueberry, eavesdropping from behind their table, burst into laughter. Blueblood glared daggers at them, turned and clinked their cups, with a sincere smile this time.

“Point for you,” he acknowledged with ease. “You learn fast. Curses, where have you gained such wit, Capitan? On the roads you stride in search for bandits and dying species? To your health. You might not believe it, but you're one of the few here for whose health I honestly want to drink.”

“Is this so?” Shining Armor took a sip, savouring the taste. “Even despite the fact that I butcher monsters that attack and harm ponies for a living? Monsters you describe as dying species.”

“Don't gripe at my words,” the Prince patted his arm. “The banquet has just started. You'll probably speak to more ponies, so you ought to save some of your glib remarks. As for your occupation...You do what you do for the glory of our Princess but moreover you, Shining Armor, have at least enough dignity not to keep trophies. But take a look around. Go ahead, forget the etiquette, they like to be stared at.”

Shining Armor obediently fixed his gaze on Diamond Mint plot.

“Look closely.” Blueblood grasped his sleeve, pointing at the passing mare. “Shoes made of horned agama's leather. Have you noticed?”

He nodded - insincerely, as he only took notice of what remained uncovered by the transparent tulle bodice.

“Oh, and there we have a rock cobra,” the Prince correctly identified another pair of shoes parading through the hall. The fashion, which had recently shortened the dresses, helped him with the task. “And over there... white iguana. Quarray eel. Wyvern. Manticore. Spectacled caiman. Cockatrice... All of them, without exception, endangered species. Curses, why not stick to veal and pork leather?”

“You're going on about leatherworking, Blueblood, again?” asked Moon Dancer, approaching them. “You have to know Shining Armor that our Prince here if not preoccupied with ranting about himself is a great fan of tanning and shoemaking? What a trivial and repulsive subject.”

“Different strokes for different folks,” scowled the Prince. “That's some delightful embroideries you have there, Moon Dancer! Diamond ermine, if I'm not mistaken? Very dainty, indeed. You are, of course, aware that this species had been brought to extinction twenty years ago for its beautiful fur?”

“Thirty years ago,” Moon Dancer corrected him, stuffing herself with the leftover cupcakes. “I know, I know, the species would undoubtedly be brought back from extinction, had I ordered the milliner to embroid my dress with mops of tow. I have considered it. Unfortunately, the colours wouldn't match.”

“Let's move to the other table,” proposed Shining Armor. “I saw a decent bowl of caviar. And since lake sturgeons are also close to extinction, we ought to make haste.”

“Caviar in your company? I've been dreaming of this,” Moon Dancer winked, slid her arm under his, smelling of cinnamon and nard. “Let's make haste, then. Will you keep us company, Blueblood? No? See you later, then; have fun.”

The Prince snorted and turned around. Diamond Mint and her red-haired friend watched them leave with looks more poisonous than the venom of endangered cobras.

“Prince Blueblood,” whispered Moon Dancer, unashamedly pressing herself to Shining Armor's side, “is a spy for Duchess Wild Fire of Los Pegasus his latest lover. Stay vigilant. The talk about reptiles and fur is a prelude to interrogation. And Diamond Mint was pricking up her ears...”

“...because she's spying for the Chancellor of Fillydelphia,” he finished for her. “I know, you've mentioned it before. And that ginger one, her friend...”

“She's dyeing her mane. Don't you have eyes? It's Blueberry.”

“Whom is she spying for?”

“Blueberry?” Moon Dancer laughed, her teeth flashing from behind spicy red lips. “For nobody. Blueberry 's not interested in politics.”

“Outrageous. I had the impression that everypony here is a spy.”

“Many are,” the mare winked. “But not all. Not Blueberry. Blueberry is a healer. And a nymphomaniac. Ah, damn it, look! The caviar's been eaten! Every last grain! Someone's licked the bowl! What shall we do now?”

“Now,” Shining Armor smiled innocently, “you will announce that something's up. You'll tell me that I need to shed neutrality and make a choice. You will propose a wager. I cannot even imagine what my prize could be if I win. But I know what I will have to do if I lose.”

Moon Dancer was silent for a long while, not taking her eyes off him.

“I should have known,” she said quietly. “Royal Riff lost it. He gave you an offer. Even though I told him about your contempt for spies.”

“I have no contempt for spies. I have contempt for spying. And for the contempt in itself. Don't propose any wagers, Moon Dancer. I also feel that something's up. And let it be. I'm not involved and I don't care.”

“You've already said it once. In Oxenfurt when we rescued those fillies.”

“I'm glad you remember. I hope you remember the circumstances as well?”

“Perfectly. I didn't disclose to you the identity of Black Stone brothers employer back then. I let him escape and saved your life. Oh, how mad at me you were...”

“That's an understatement. He tried to kill my sister! Twice.”

“Now it's time to make amends. I'll give you him. Not now but on the eve of this year Summer Sun Celebration. Don't interrupt, don't make faces. This is no wager. It's a promise, and I keep my promises. No questions, please. I have to find out what is he up to. To many omens something big is up in the air. I have never see Celestia so stressed up. She can hide it well but there are signs. The snare is closing up around him and when I will catch him I want you to be there. For now I know only place and time. This year Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyvile. We need to know his end game before we engage him. And then he will pay for all those pony lives he took across Equestria. Now I need you to protect you sister as he will probably try to assassinate her again. Now we shall concentrate on caviar and trivial talk.”

“There's no caviar.”

“Give me a moment.”

She looked around, moved her head and concentrated on a spell. The silver vessel, shaped like a fish in motion, immediately filled with roe of the endangered lake sturgeon. Shining Armor smiled.

“Can you satisfy hunger with an illusion?”

“No. But it's enough for a craving. Try some.”

“Hmm... Indeed... Seems more tasty than the real thing...”

“And you won't gain weight,” the unicorn mare proudly exclaimed, squeezing lemon juice onto the next spoonful of caviar. “Would you mind getting me a glass of white wine?”

“Not at all. Moon Dancer?”

“I'm listening.”

“Etiquette supposedly forbids the use of magic here. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to conjure up an illusion of taste alone? Just a sensory illusion? I'm sure you could...”

“Of course I could,” Moon Dancer looked at him through the glass. “The construction of such a spell would be easier than the construction of a flail. But sticking to a sensory illusion would rid us of the pleasure provided by the act of eating. The process, the movement, the gestures... The talk accompanying it, the eye contact... Allow me to entertain you with a humorous comparison, will you?”

“I'm laughing already.”

“I could conjure up an orgasm too.”

Before Shining Armor regained speech, they were approached by a short, slim mare with short, pale cyan with white highlights mane. He recognized her right away – it was the lady in shoes made of horned agama's leather and green, tulle bodice which didn't even hide a detail as tiny as the small spot above her left buttock.

“Forgive me,” she said, “but I must interrupt your flirting. Moon Dancer, Drithelm and Dethmold are asking for few minutes of your time. It's urgent.”

“Well, if so, then I will go. Bye, Shining Armor. We shall flirt another time!”

“Aha!” the cyan mare confronted him with her eyes. “Shining Armor. The Capitan of Royal Guard in which Princess Cadance is crazy about? I've been watching you and wondering who the hell might you be. I was truly bothered by it!”

“I know that feeling,” he remarked, smiling politely. “I'm experiencing it right now.”

“Excuse my blunder. I'm Lyra Heartstrings. Oh, it's caviar!”

“Careful, it's an illusion.”

“Devil take it, you're right!” the mare dropped the spoon as if it were a tail of some dangerous scorpion. “Who could be so tactless... You? You can cast illusions of the fourth degree? You?”

“Me!” he lied, never ceasing to smile. “I'm a master wizard, pretending to be a Captain of Royal Guard in order to remain incognito. Did you really believe that Cadance would fall for a simple soldier?”

Lyra stared him in the eyes, scowling.

On her neck was a medallion in the shape of an ankh cross, silver and lined with rhinestones.

“Would you like some wine?” he offered to cut the uncomfortable silence. He feared that his joke wasn't received well.

“No, thank you... colleague magician,” said Lyra coldly. “I don't drink. I cannot. I'm about to get pregnant tonight.”

"With whom?” asked the passing dyed friend of Diamond Mint, dressed in transparent georgette bodice with strategically placed embroideries. “With whom?” she repeated, fluttering her eyelashes innocently.

Lyra turned around and looked her up from the white iguana shoes to the pearl tiara.

“What business is it of yours?”

“None at all. Occupational curiosity. Won't you introduce me to your companion, the famous Shining Armor?”

“With displeasure. But I know we won't be able to get rid of you otherwise. Shining Armor, this is Blueberry, a healer. She specializes in aphrodisiacs.”

“Must we speak of business? Oh, you left some caviar for me? How kind of you.”

“Careful,” Shining Armor and Lyra said in unison. “It's an illusion.”

“Indeed!” Blueberry bent, wrinkling her nose, then reached for a cup and studied the traces of red lipstick. “Moon Dancer, no surprises there. Who else would have the audacity? What a shrew. Did you know that she's spying for those stupid military rednecks in Cloudsdale?”

“And she's a nymphomaniac?” risked Shining Armor. Blueberry and Lyra snorted at the same time.

“Were you counting on it when you were coming onto her?” asked Blueberry. “If so, then you should know that somepony must have fed you false information. Stallions don't figure in Moon Dancer's preferences anymore.”

“Or maybe you're a mare?” Lyra puffed out her lips. “Maybe you're only pretending to be a stallion, colleague master magician? To stay incognito? You know, Blueberry, he confessed to me a moment ago that he likes to pretend.”

“He likes and he does,” Blueberry smiled maliciously. “Right, Shining Armor? Not so long ago I saw you pretending to have bad hearing and not to know the Fancy Speech.”

“He has many flaws,” said Cadance coldly, coming up to them and possessively clutching Shining Armor's arm. “He has nothing but flaws. You're wasting your time, girls.”

“It seems so,” agreed Blueberry, still grinning. “We wish you fun. Come, Lyra, let's go get a drink of something... lacking alcohol. Perhaps I will, too, decide on something tonight?”

"Uff,” he sighed once they left. “Great timing, Cadance. Thank you.”

“You're thanking me? Probably insincerely. In this hall there's a total of eleven mares showing off their plots through transparent clothes. I left you for half an hour, only to catch you talking with two of them...”

Cadance stopped, staring at the fish-shaped dish.

“... and eating an illusion,” she added. ‘Oh, Shining, Shining. Come. There's an opportunity to introduce you to ponies who are worth it.”

“Is one of those ponies your Aunt Celestia?”

“How curious,” Princess squinted her eyes, “that it's her you're asking about. Yes, Aunt asked to meet you and speak with you. I must warn you that this talk may appear trivial and light-hearted, but don't let it fool you. Celestia is an experienced and intelligent player. She pulls all the strings around here. I don't know what she wants from you, but stay vigilant.”

“I will be,” he sighed. “But I doubt that this experienced player of yours will be able to surprise me. Not after all the things I've gone through here. I've been apprehended by spies, drowned in dying reptiles and ermines. I've been fed non-existent caviar. Nymphomaniacs with no interest in stallions have doubted my manhood, threatened me with rape on a hedgehog, pregnancy and even an orgasm of the kind that does not require any movements. Ugh...”

“Have you been drinking?”

“Only a bit of white wine from Applewood. But there was probably an aphrodisiac in it... Cadance? After my talk with Celestia can we return to my place?”

“We won't go back to your home.”

“What?”

“I want to spend this night in my chambers in palace. With you. Aphrodisiac, you say? In the wine? Interesting...”