Author's Note
This came out of nowhere and I worked on it all day! I loved it. It really turned out wonderfully.
The song in it is mine, don’t touch it unless I give you permission, you know the drill.
Have some feels on me.
You Can’t Lose Me
Rain pattered on the window, as gray clouds gathered overhead. The Pegasi working the weather had called for a downpour, and it only seemed befitting on this most sorrowful of days. It was night now, the dead of it, but inside the walls of Canterlot Royal Hospital where the lights were always on, no pony could tell the difference. The only indication of the late hour was the lack of sound. Aside from the beeping of machinery, very seldom did the jarring noise of hooves clacking on linoleum floors echo in the halls. Everypony seemed to be asleep, or too still to make a peep, and when hoof steps sounded, it was doctors or nurses making their rounds. But that sound didn’t come to this room. Not at this late hour.
In a rather spacious hospital room reserved for the most important clientele, one lone stallion sat wide awake when the world around him seemed to be sleeping.
Shining Armor, Prince of the Crystal Empire, brother of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and husband to Princess Cadence, sat in a chair, unmoving and still. He feared that perhaps breaking this odd spell of stillness and silence would make everything around him fall to pieces, like the shattering of a vase upon a floor. Too afraid to move or make a sound, he sat, and he watched.
The owner of the room he now sat in was still. The pulling, pushing, sucking, and whirring sounds were the indication they were alive. But the noise itself had faded into the background of Shining’s mind. He’d blocked it out, and so in his mind, stillness and quiet were essential. It was perhaps a bad habit in this kind of situation, one ingrained from years of training in the Royal Guard, being quiet when he could have tried to fill the silence. The comatose patient in his room might have benefited from knowing they were not alone. But he could not bring himself to do so. The idea of making sound in this most solemn situation left a taste in his mouth almost as bitter as the situation before him.
Up, down, up, down, up, down.
He said the words in his head, and even they seemed too loud. He watched the rising and falling of a chest he’d once loved to lay his head on to hear the strong and steady heart beating inside. The heart inside was gracious and caring, loving and gentle. The heart inside was strong and brave, and full of devotion and loyalty, and a sense of adventure.
The hospital room he now occupied was that of his mother, Twilight Velvet.
He’d gotten a scroll this morning from his Father. He’d been in the Crystal Empire when one of the guards had come to him saying he’d received an urgent scroll. The moment he’d unfurled it, his world had come tumbling down, and a numbness that left him hollow and empty filled him.
His mother had been in an accident. One of her “relaxing vacations” had involved doing some zip lining. Night Light had been on the other side, watching as his wife came down the line. But a sickening snap! Had turned what might have been an adventurous action book into a horror novel. The fall happened so quickly she hadn’t had time to try and catch herself with her magic. In a matter of four seconds, she was on the ground at least a hundred feet below. Paramedics had come, whisking her to the nearest hospital as he fretted alongside her. Her helmet had proved useless in the end, for she had sustained a head injury, and several broken ribs in the fall. He’d written to both of his children in that time, and sent them scrolls. Twilight had responded first, a benefit of always having Spike nearby, and had sent two scrolls. One announced that she was on her way, and the other was for him to give to her mother’s attending physician to demand her transfer to the Canterlot Royal Hospital, so that not only would her father be close to home, but the medical care would be better, and Luna might have been able to tell if her mother was dreaming. By that point, she’d been medically stable, so the doctor had acquiesced to her wishes.
Twilight had arrived just as her mother had at Canterlot Royal Hospital, and had been assured her mother would be in good hooves. Still, she’d asked to stay with her, and the doctor had complied. Night Light and his daughter had made a sort of basecamp in her new room, not only waiting for her to wake, but for Shining to arrive.
When Shining had gotten the scroll, his mind had gone blank for a few moments after reading it. His body, however, was still as aware as ever. He’d felt his heart drop in his chest, fear make a knot in his stomach, and panic spread throughout his body. He just couldn’t process any of it before that numbness spread inside of him, and sucked his feelings away in the tide.
His body had moved automatically, though his mind was elsewhere. He’d gone to his and his wife’s bedroom, packing his saddlebags for the hospital. He’d told her in a disembodied voice that didn’t seem like his own, that his Mother was gravely injured. Cadence had wanted to come with him, of course, but they’d had commitments in Maretonia later that day, and he’d insisted he’d be fine. Twilight and his father would be there, so he wouldn’t be alone. Cadence hadn’t liked it in the least, but had nodded. She hadn’t wanted to push him too far when he was going through enough as it was. She had, however, teleported him to the hospital with her magic. He might have thought to thank her if he’d been thinking like himself. But as it was, he wasn’t thinking at all.
Going inside the hospital, and asking the receptionist where his mother’s room was located was all done in that hazy world of numbness, as was walking to his mother’s room. It wasn’t until he saw the expressions on his sister and father that reality had come crashing back in. Twilight had thrown herself into his unprepared hooves, and he’d wrapped them around his sister instinctively, patting her back and telling her it would be alright. The numbness to his own emotions hadn’t worn off yet, but perhaps that was a blessing in disguise, because he feared his tears might have upset her further.
When Twilight had let go, he’d looked at his father.
Night Light was typically a stallion who was incredibly optimistic. He’d always held an upward inflection in his voice and saw the world through rose colored glasses. When Shining looked at his father at that point, he’d seen none of that. There were bags under his eyes as though he hadn’t slept in weeks, and the look in those eyes was an old and worn out sadness. His father was in bad shape, and like an overwashed sweater, no amount of folding could make it right again. Night Light had always looked perpetually in his thirties, ever since Shining could remember. But this was the face of a stallion decades older. His father had aged a thousand years in mere hours.
Father and son shared a look. Their faces were grim with the circumstances surrounding this family reunion, but it was very obvious from the looks in their eyes that they were, at least, determined to be strong for Twilight. They’d taken turns comforting her, and the excuse had left a comfortable buffer between Shining and his own emotions for the day.
Twilight had decided to tell stories to their mother, to try and make something of the quiet. So she’d told her mother childhood memories she had, and when she broke down and started crying, Night Light or Shining would jump in to fill the silence. They’d done that for hours until Night Light had put his hoof down and insisted his children get something to eat from the cafeteria. They had done so on the condition that after they ate, he would, and he’d agreed. So Shining and Twilight had gone to the cafeteria, loading trays with food they weren’t hungry for, and picking at them.
Shining had encouraged her to eat. She’d refused, and a flash of memory came through his mind.
Shiny, you need to eat your vegetables if you want to grow up big and strong!
His mother had said that to him as a colt. He felt a lump form in his throat and swallowed it, before choking down some greens. Twilight had followed his example and done the same.
They’d gone back up to their mother when finished, and Night Light, though reluctant to do so, had honored his end of their bargain and gone to eat. Twilight had gone back to telling stories, this time of adventures she and Shining had gone on together, and every time she cried, he jumped in to take over the reins. Clearly this was something she felt the need to do for their mother, and if she needed it, he would provide. As she’d spoken tearfully about herself and Shining Armor fighting a monster-
Mama there’s a monster under my bed, can you make it go ‘way?
Of course, Shiny. No monsters will be in your room as long as I’m here
-he’d found his own emotions beginning to try and sneak back in.
As a guard, however, he was highly adept at putting a wall around his own feelings. So as Twilight spoke, he closed his eyes and imagined four brick walls boxing him in, and not letting his emotions through. Every time he thought his emotions might get through, another layer was added to the wall. Later on, he could tear it down. But not here, not now. Not when his sister needed him.
When Night Light had returned from dinner, it had been late. Close to nine o’clock. Night Light had told both of his children that they should go home and get some rest. Twilight had protested, of course, but he’d pacified that with the words that her mother wouldn’t want her shirking her duties as a princess, and that he’d send her updates on her condition every ten minutes if she wanted, but there was nothing she could do here. She deserved to rest in her own bed. And Twilight had sighed, and agreed.
When Night Light had turned to him when his sister was gone, the walls he’d put up around his emotions came crashing down for the first time that day.
Shining had thrown his hooves around his father, letting his fear finally come out. “Daddy… Da-addy.” They’d been mewling whimpers. Memories had been flooding his mind all day and he’d been close to losing it more times than he could count.
Mama, I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you?
I’m a big boy, Mama, I can make cookies myself!
Someday I’m gonna protect you like you protect me, Mama.
For all the times he’d comforted others, he could finally accept needing some comforting himself. It didn’t come easily. Ever since he was a little boy, he hadn’t liked allowing others to comfort him, and anytime he had done so, his mother had been the one to do so. But now she was in grave condition, and he had nopony else to turn to for comforting but his father.
Night Light, as in bad a shape as he was, still managed to try and give his son comfort. “It’s okay, buddy. Mama will be fine.” He’d promised, stroking his mane. After a while of crying, they’d both sat in the uncomfortable plastic backed chairs in the hospital.
“Go home, Shining. Your mother would want you to get some rest.”
“I can’t.” He’d said, and it was the honest truth. He couldn’t leave.
“Shining-“
“No. I need to be here, Dad.” He’d said sharply. Then, in a lower voice, “I need to keep her safe.”
And Night Light had sighed, but understood. “Alright.”
“Go home and get some sleep, Dad. I’ll keep watch tonight.” He’d said. Though he hadn’t said it in anything other than a normal tone, Night Light carried the distinct impression that his son needed some time alone with his wife, and so he’d nodded, given him a kiss and hug, and left.
That was four hours ago, and Shining still hadn’t moved a muscle.
In those four hours, time had simply seemed to stand still for him. In these same four walls with the same lighting, and the same amount of rain pouring down on the roof and hitting the window, It was hard to recognize any time had gone by. The only indication it had was a growing stiffness in his muscles and joints. He’d always gotten it from staying in the same position for a long time, but as a guard, he was used to it. It was uncomfortable, but not intolerable.
Up, down, up, down, up, down.
His mother was breathing still. That was good, even if it was due to the ventilator. Any sign that she was alive and could come out of this was a welcome one to him. Even though he still felt as though he were walking on eggshells to try and not break the quiet of the moment, the thought still gave him a smidgeon of comfort.
As he looked at his mother, he wondered what she was dreaming about, if she could even dream at all. He knew Twilight had asked Princess Luna to check and send her a scroll in the morning, so perhaps he’d find out then. If she were dreaming, what would it be about? An adventure to go on? A story to write? Their family? He wasn’t sure. He’d never found out what she dreamed about, he realized dimly. This was in stark contrast to his mother, whom he’d always told his dreams to as a child.
I beat the dragon, Mama! I saved the princess and we all lived happily ever after!
That’s wonderful, Shiny! You’ll be such a great guard when you grow up.
How did that make her feel? Did she ever feel like he didn’t take enough of an interest in her as a pony aside from her as a mother? The thought caused him to move, albeit only in the way of wrinkles appearing on his forehead.
Maybe… Maybe she’d felt like she wasn’t a good enough Mom? That she’d felt she had failed him in some way and because of that he didn’t ask? But that wasn’t true. He remembered so many things about her.
He remembered the way her eyes lit up when he came home from school. He remembered the way she used to brush his mane when he was little. He remembered thinking that her smile could light up all of Canterlot.
Mama, you smile pretty.
Thank you, sweetie. My smile might be pretty, but yours lights up the whole sky.
He remembered the way she always seemed to know what he was thinking as a child. Sometimes it was as simple as knowing he was going to ask for a toy, or other times it was as complex as a prank he planned to pull.
Mama, are you magic? How did you know I wanted that?
It’s a Mama secret.
Heremembered how she’d used to spray a scarf with her perfume and let him keep it, so that if he wanted to feel better from a nightmare, but not sleep with her and his dad, he could still smell her there. He still kept that scarf in his bedroom at the castle. Did he ever tell her that? He didn’t think so, and he should have. He really should have.
Here, baby. You keep this scarf of mine. I sprayed it with my perfume. If you ever get scared and you don’t feel like leaving your room, or you don’t want to sleep with Mama and Daddy, you have a bit of me with you all the time.
He packed that scarf in his saddlebags today. He just remembered that. Packing had been a blur- everything had really, up until he actually entered her room. Somehow in his numbed mind, he’d had enough sense to grab that. It was enough of a reason to finally make himself move- for the promise of comfort her scent would bring.
He lit his horn and put his saddlebags in his lap. Opening them, he found the scarf. A white scarf with little pom poms on the end, rather than fringe as was customary for that. He remembered liking the pom poms as a child.
Mama, they’re like bouncy balls! I could make snowmen with them!
He’d liked them for more reasons than just that. She’d given the scarf to him when he was maybe four- long before he’d curbed his hoofsucking habit. She’d tried to get him out of it that year, and he- being the mischievous and clever colt he’d been, had suckled on the pom poms of it to avoid suspicion. A very tiny, almost invisible smile crossed his face at the memory.
He picked up the scarf in his hooves. It was a knitted scarf, not cashmere or anything fancy like that. Twilight Velvet had been fairly unconcerned with her appearance for a Canterlot mare, preferring to dress in more comfortable clothing when she dressed at all. He ran a hoof over the surface. Instead of being scratchy, it was soft, with no small threads poking him or making him itch.
He brought the scarf to his nose and sniffed long and deep. After all these years, it still smelled like his mother’s perfume. Oscar De La Rarity. The smell brought back feelings of safety and comfort he so desperately needed. He wrapped it around his neck, for it wouldn’t fit around his shoulders, and closed his eyes pretending, if only for a moment, he was wrapped up in a loving hug from his mother.
Whether that was a mistake later on, he wouldn’t be able to say. Suddenly, memories were hitting him hard and fast, whizzing behind his eyelids without permission.
Mama, do you get scared?
I do, Shiny. But I don’t let being scared stop me. I get scared, but then I think of something that makes me feel brave.
Mama, are you gonna love the new baby more than me?
I could never love anypony more than you, Shiny. My love for you and my love for the baby will always be measured separately. Nopony could ever take your place.
I’m gonna protect you and baby, Mama.
Mama, I’m too big to sit on your lap.
Mama, where do we go when we die?
Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama-
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
He let out a choked gasp and quickly stuffed one of the pom poms in his mouth. He started sucking on it automatically and it brought him odd comfort as it once had, but that hadn’t been his intention. He needed to stop himself from making so much noise and completely breaking down. His mother shouldn’t have to hear him that upset. She had enough of a fight going on. She didn’t need his distress wearing her down too.
He suckled on the pom pom, trying to calm himself down as he was continually assaulted by sharp pains of longing in his chest for his mother, and to tell her all the things he hadn’t said, and do all the things he hadn’t done with her. He would give anything to have the time to tell her all of those things.
And then, a wave of courage struck him. He had nothing but time, and she could still hear him. If he could break the silence, he could say all of the things he needed to say to her. Better yet, he could do what his mother had done for him as a colt, and sing to her, like she’d done before he went to bed at night.
He spat the pom pom from his mouth and took a shuttering breath to steady himself, and also feel as though the silent glass bubble around him had been shattered. Then, finally, he calmed himself, took a breath, and began to sing.
“You kept a roof over my head
Checked for monsters under my bed
You wiped my tears but you still let me cry
And now that I’m here I keep asking myself why
This happened to the most incredible mom
Because now I don’t have your shoulder to cry on.
You’re the one who taught me what it means to be brave
But seeing you as you are right now I can’t help but be afraid
Familiar faces pass me by but not one of them holds meaning
And right now I can’t help wishing that this was just a thing I’m dreaming
That when I opened my eyes you would be right there
To soothe all my fears like when I was young and scared
I kept the scarf you gave me and I hid it in my room
And when I smell it I can still smell the scent of your perfume
And when I smell your scent I think of words you said to me
When I was young and still figuring out who I was destined to be
You said, “You can’t lose me, darling, it’s what I guarantee
No matter where you are my love, that’s where my heart will be
I will always be with you, no matter where you go,
And no matter what you’re going through you won’t do it alone.”
The stillness is unbearable inside these empty halls
For hours I’ve been staring at the four same white walls
For somepony of action, unable to do a thing
There aren’t words for the kind of heartache that kind of feeling can bring
To see you here so broken, it feels nothing but wrong
To see that from the mare who taught me what it means to be strong
You cooked my meals, you kept me safe, you helped me brush my mane
And now I can’t help feeling things will never be the same
You raised me and my sister, you showed us what it means
To live a life we’re proud of, and go and chase our dreams
And now that I’m living the kind of life you always wanted me to
It might just be falling apart, because it won’t be the same without you
With only these walls and empty halls as the witnesses to what they see
I’m making the same promise that you once made to me
You can’t lose me, Mama, it’s what I guarantee
No matter where you are Mama, that’s where my heart will be
I will always be with you, no matter where you go,
And no matter what you’re going through you won’t do it alone.”
Silence. Quiet. It settled over the room like a blanket, comforting now rather than constricting. He had moved to stand by his mother by that point. He saw one of her hooves sticking out from under the blanket and moved to touch it. He hadn’t touched her before then. Not since the last time he saw her, at Twilight’s coronation. The thought put a lump in his throat. He touched her hoof. Logically, he knew it wasn’t broken. The doctor had said a head injury had happened, and that several ribs were broken, and both of her back legs, but nothing about her forelegs. But he couldn’t help but feel that his mother was so breakable that any pressure on her would cause her to crumble like an ancient rock structure.
But he did touch her. He used to say when he was a colt that he got his bravery from her. And sometimes as a child, he’d used to think that if he wasn’t feeling brave, and she was near, that if he stood near her or touched her then he would get more bravery from her since he came from her and obviously she made him brave. She did make him brave.
So he got some bravery from her as he had as a colt by touching her, and got enough of it to squeeze her hoof reassuringly.
“I’m here, Mama. I love you.” He said. “You can’t lose me."
He stood there a moment, letting his body adjust itself to having moved after so long standing still. Then, he spoke again.
“You gave me your eyes. I never thanked you for that.” He paused. “When I look in the mirror I always see you there. Sometimes I think about you when I see them. It makes me feel better. Makes me feel braver to know that you’re there with me.”
Silence again, a lengthy pause.
“You wrote all those stories, and you gave so many ponies adventure. But I think you gave me the greatest story, and I want to tell it to you.” He said. “Once upon a time, there was a Queen. And the queen met a king and fell in love. They loved each other so much that they had a baby. And the mare told her baby- a boy, by the way- that he could be anything he chose. That he could be a writer, or a boat maker, or a guard, or a husband and father. And He believed her. She told him stories of adventure, and helped him fight monsters, and showed him how to be a gentlestallion. And from everything she taught him and showed him, he decided he wanted to protect ponies the way she protected him. And he grew up, believing in fairytales and happy endings, because she worked hard to give him his own. And one day, he met a real princess, and fell in love with her. He married her, and they started a life together, but he never forgot the queen who raised him, and helped him get a happy ending for her little prince. And one day, when the queen got sick, the prince and his sister raced to her side. And he stayed with her all night long, because he believed that she deserved her fairytale ending too, and that she would still get her happily ever after.”
He smiled a little. “You used to read me stories like that all the time. You helped me become who I wanted to be. You kissed my bruises and scrapes, you calmed my nightmares, you helped me grow strong… I don’t know how you did it. You put up with me when I was going through my rebellious phase… I didn’t say thank you enough. But I am so thankful to have such an amazing mare for a mom. You gave me everything, and I’ll never be able to thank you for that, but I just hope you know… You can’t lose me. I’ll always be a part of you, and you’ll always be one of the best parts of me. And I’ll be here until you get better. You’re a fighter, Mama. You had to be, because you raised me. And I’ll fight with you. Always.”
He felt something. A slight brush against his hoof, but he was so tangled up in his own thoughts that he almost didn’t realize it until it happened again. He looked down sharply enough that the muscles in his neck cried out in protest, but he didn’t care.
“Mom? Can you hear me?” He asked, hyperaware of every sensation he felt now as adrenaline pumped through him.
The fluttering again, and this time, he knew it was real. His heart leapt in his chest. “I’m here Mama, I’m here. Take your time and come back. I’ll be here.”
It seemed to take forever, but finally, her eyes opened. He looked into the reflection of his own eyes and saw her flash of recognition toward him, and then the happiness the rest of her face couldn’t yet show, especially at the sight of the scarf.
“It’s okay, Mama. You fell when you were zip lining and you’re in the hospital now. You’ve only been unconscious for a day. Just don’t try to move, okay? I’ll get a doctor.” He said.
He rushed out of the room, letting the door crash upon the wall, uncaring about how it sounded like an explosion anymore.
“Mom is awake!” He beamed, breathless after galloping to the nurse’s desk. He teleported back to her room. She didn’t quite start at the entrance, but the heart monitor spiked in surprise. He went over and nuzzled her, before letting the doctor take a look at her. As he did, he sent letters to his father and sister, and the nurse got his mother some water.
Just after the doctor and nurse left, before Night Light and Twilight arrived, Twilight Velvet spoke.
“Shiny?"
He looked at her, grinning ear to ear. “Yeah?”
“Come here.” She said, and he obliged, leaning down to her.
She kissed his cheek, and whispered, “You can’t lose me.”
And she was right.
