Draconequus Ex Mortis

by DrOcsid

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Violence, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death
Length: 4053

The Main Six successfully defeat Discord using the Elements of Harmony, but it doesn't have the effect they expected.

In the midst of Ponyville being plunged into chaos, Twilight and her friends finally manage to use the Elements of Harmony for the first time, and in doing so successfully stop Discord from wreaking further havoc on the land they hold dear. Problem is, the way the elements do this isn't quite what they had in mind. At all.

Published 2021-05-15 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-15 06:10:01 UTC

Holy Cow, He's Actually Dead

"Eugh, gag. Fine, go ahead, try and use your little elements, frenemies. Just make it quick. I'm missing some excellent chaos here."

Twilight and her friends weren't dissuaded by Discord's mocking tone, and after a short delay or two, they were able to finally make use of their elements. The six rose into the air, unleashing a barrage of multicolored magic upon Discord, and among his anguished screams, everything returned to normal.

One by one, they all drifted back to the ground. Twilight, despite her heavy breathing, was the first to speak. "Well... we did it." She looked around at the surrounding town. "Right?"

"Yep, looks like it," said Rainbow.

"Sheesh," added Applejack. "That was one heck of a thing. 'Least it worked this time."

"Right!" said Rainbow. "We did it! We beat Discord!"

The six took a moment to give a round of cheers to themselves for their victory, exchanging high-fives and hugs in the midst of the town they'd just saved.

"That was a close one," said Twilight, breathing a sigh of relief as she looked back in the direction Discord had been in. "Now we just need to..."

It took a moment for Rainbow to note Twilight's trailing off. "Uh, need to what?"

Twilight just gestured forward. "What happened to Discord?"

The other five's eyes darted where Twilight was looking, not really sure what they'd expected to see.

Applejack was the first to speak up. "Huh. He's just layin' there. On the ground."

"Yes, you're right," Rarity added. "Hm. Is that what's supposed to happen?"

"No idea," Twilight replied. "Maybe we should, er... check on him?"

The others gave some uncertain nods of approval before cautiously approaching the motionless Discord. The six surrounded him, ready to take action were anything to go wrong. Twilight bent down a bit to examine his face, taking particular note of the elegance of his half-open eye and protruding tongue. "Girls," she said, keeping her eyes on the face, "Remind me, what did Princess Celestia say the elements would do to him?"

"Uh, I don't think she said," replied Applejack.

"Yeah," added Rainbow. "I just kinda figured they'd put him in stone again or something."

"Right," said Twilight. "I say this because, um, I don't want to alarm you all, but he doesn't seem to be, you know... breathing."

"Does he usually need to breathe?" Pinkie asked.

"Good question." Twilight cautiously put her ear to Discord's neck. "I, uh, don't hear a pulse either. If he's supposed to have one."

"Wait," said Rainbow, "You're not saying he's...?"

Twilight shrugged and continued looking over the body. "He has no life signs whatsoever."

Fluttershy let out an eep and turned away. The rest stared at Twilight, confused, bewildered, and possibly even dumbfounded.

Applejack was first to address the elephant in the room. "So, er, lemme get this straight. Are you tellin' us we just killed Discord? Like, killed him dead?"

"I don't understand it either," Twilight said.

"Hold on!" Rainbow interjected. "You can't be serious! I mean, wouldn't the Princess have told us this was gonna happen? We're ponies! We don't usually... do this kinda thing! Even to bad guys!"

"I suppose it's possible the elements decided he was too dangerous...?" Twilight said, starting to look a bit green. "Maybe there was an instruction manual we were supposed to read."

"You're tellin' me," said Applejack. "I mean, I jus' wanted us to turn him back to stone for the rest of eternity or somethin'. Compared to killin' him, that's... well, actually, thinkin' about it, that might've been worse."

"Oh dear," said Rarity. "What can we do about this? We should report it to the Princess, shouldn't we?"

"Maybe...?" Twilight looked back at the body, then to the rest of Ponyville. She quickly took notice of the ponies of the town, who'd come to their senses and were slowly returning to their daily routine of walking around aimlessly. "Maybe we should get him out of the street first."

"And where are we supposed to take him?!" Rainbow demanded.

"Ugh. Let's just take him back to my house, I guess. We'll figure out what to do there." She attempted to levitate Discord's body, but could only manage to lift a convenient one-sixth of it. "Jeez, he's heavy. Could you girls give me a hand?"

"Oh, gosh," Rarity said as they lined up next to the body. All at once, they managed to hoist Discord onto their backs and started carefully trotting towards Twilight's place. It wasn't very long before they caught the eyes of a few ponies looking very understandably concerned by what was going on.

"Don't mind us!" Rainbow said to them. "Just practicing for the parade!"

"What parade?" Rarity whispered.

"This is like holding the heaviest slinky in the world..." said Pinkie.

"I've held heavier," said Applejack.

Fluttershy remained quiet and possibly slightly traumatized.

Eventually, the tired six burst through Twilight's front door and released Discord's lifeless form, letting him hit the ground with a rather morbid THUD. Spike, who had been occupied with organizing the books, took one look at the body, yelled, and ran upstairs, white as coal. Coal that had been painted white.

"Uh," said Twilight, "Whoops. I should've foreseen that."

"Well, we're here," said Rainbow, shutting the door. "So what do we do now?"

"We need to think about this," said Twilight. "We don't know why the elements killed Discord. But we know if Celestia intended that to happen, surely she would've told us. So somehow I get the feeling she won't be happy if she finds out this happened."

"But we have to tell her, right?!" said Rainbow. "I mean, she's the Princess! What else are we gonna do? Hide the body and say he just disappeared?!"

"Of course not!" Twilight snapped. "At least, not the last part."

"Are you implying the first part is fine?" asked Rarity.

"Look, girls. Technically we did do what we were asked! We used the elements on Discord and stopped him. He was just gonna get locked up in stone again for eternity anyway, right?"

"Right, and that's gotta be worse if ya really think about it," Applejack added.

"So let's just spare Celestia the burden of knowing she turned us into hitponies! Let's just get rid of the body and make a new statue to show her!"

"And how, exactly, are we supposed to get rid of a corpse?" said Rarity. "None of us have any experience with such ghastly things." She eyed the others for a second. "As far as I know."

"How hard could it be?" said Twilight. "You girls have any ideas? Surely some of you have had to get rid of something at some point."

"Couldn't we just bury him?" said Applejack.

"Too obvious," said Twilight. "Plus with all the construction that goes on in town it'd be hard to find a good spot. That and we ideally don't wanna be seen in broad daylight with a corpse for too long."

"Why not bury him at Sweet Apple Acres?" said Rainbow.

"Oh no," Applejack said. "I ain't feeding whatever chaos-y thingywhatevers are in him to my trees. Not a chance in heck."

Rainbow gave the next suggestion. "Okay, well, why not just, like, chop him into pieces and put him in a bag? And throw it in a river somewhere?" Fluttershy immediately fainted upon hearing this while Rarity audibly gagged.

"What kind of books have you been reading, Rainbow?" asked Twilight in disgust. "No, we need something else. Anyone?"

"Well," said Rarity as she tried to expel the gruesome image from her mind, "Perhaps we don't need to hide the body. I saw a play fairly recently where a murder was committed, and the killer staged it as a suicide."

"Did it work?"

"Well... no, but I assume we are smart enough to not write a suicide note in our own hoofwriting."

"I suppose it's worth a try."

~ Approximately Fifteen Minutes Later ~

"Wait! Move him closer to the counter, where the knives are!"

"Wait, what knife did we use to make the 'self-inflicted' stab wound again?"

"No, don't drag him by his arms! You're trailing bl- urk!"

"Twilight!" said Rarity as the others turned the kitchen into the set of the latest hit crime drama. "Must I run the lines by you again?"

"No, I think I've got it," Twilight tried to assure her. "No, Discord! Don't do this! You have so much to live for!"

Rarity replied in her best approximation of Discord's voice. "I'm sorry, Twilight, but I cannot live with myself after seeing the error of my ways! Goodbye forever!"

"But I just cleaned my floor!" Twilight stopped. "This seems a bit hamfisted, Rarity."

"You try writing under pressure, Darling," she said in response. She walked over to the others to check on them. "How are the practical effects going?"

"Effects?" said Applejack, raising a blood-coated hoof. "These ain't effects! I've got blood on my hooves, partner! Real blood! I ain't gonna be able to sleep for a week after this!"

"Yes, but how is it going?"

"Oh, well it ain't goin' too bad. Fluttershy went upstairs with Spike but I think the three of us did a dang fine job. Was actually kinda easy to get the knife in his neck. So much red everywhere now, though."

"Good, that makes it look more authentic." She looked around herself. "Ladies, I believe we're ready."

"Wait," Twilight said, walking back in the room with a book in front of her. "While we were doing this it suddenly occurred to me that I should probably actually try to do a bit of research on draconequi. And uh, it turns out physical attacks, like from knives, for instance, wouldn't actually hurt him. While he's alive at least." She squinted at the page. "Unless it would be funny."

"Oh." Rarity stared for a second. "That is a problem."

"Yeah," said Applejack. "I kinda already stabbed him."

"Well," said Twilight, "We really need to get rid of it now. And we also really need to clean my kitchen. Again."

"What else are we to do?" Rarity inquired. "Does anypony have anything else? At all?"

"Here's an idea," said Rainbow. "Let's just dump him in Applejack's barn and call it a day."

"No!" Applejack protested. "Are you dense? He's just gonna stink up the place after a day or two! And I ain't lettin' Apple Bloom see this!"

"Well, do you have any better ideas?"

"Uh, I do!" Pinkie piped up. "No one asked me for some reason, but I've got an idea."

"By all means, Pinkie," Twilight said, "let's hear it."

"Can't we just burn it?"

"What?"

"Yeah, y'know. Just cremate him. We could stab his corpse, so why couldn't it burn?"

"Hm, good point," said Rarity. "But where would you propose we do this? I feel like the smoke would catch attention."

"Not if we do it indoors," said Twilight. "Like, in a fireplace or something. Which one of us has a fireplace?"

The six collectively looked upwards.

"I really don't know if this is going to work..."

Fluttershy continued to attempt to change the others' minds as they approached her cottage, thinking about the horrid smells that might permeate her home for the following days. Not to mention the possibility of Angel having to witness their crime.

"It'll be fine, Fluttershy," Twilight said as she tried to keep the blanket still that was covering Discord as they carried him. "Realistically, this should reduce him to bones. Then we can just bury the bones. Or you can give them to your dog or something."

"I don't have a dog..."

"Then give them to Angel." Twilight was the first to reach the door, opening it and allowing everyone to dump Discord onto the floor yet again. "Great, let's get him in the fireplace."

Everyone present made an effort to drag Discord into the fireplace, trying not to spill any blood onto Fluttershy's rug. Eventually they managed to shove him in, bundling him up into a tangled mess of Draconequus. His head briefly fell back out, but Twilight forcefully shoved it back in, ignoring the cracking sound that resulted.

"Fluttershy, your matches?"

Fluttershy reached into a drawer, trembling, and handed the matchbook to Twilight. She immediately ran upstairs after doing so. "Well, here we go, girls," Twilight said. She struck a match and set the fireplace alight, surprised at how fast the flames engulfed Discord.

"Eugh, burning fur..." The five present covered their noses until Discord's form was finally devoid of hair and the smell shifted to something else entirely.

Applejack sniffed the air. "Would it be weird to say this actually smells pretty good?"

"Yes. It absolutely would be." Twilight gave a sniff. "Wait, no, you're right. That does smell good."

"Right?" Rainbow said. "Could add a little garlic, maybe some rosemary..."

"Can you all please stop talking?" said Rarity, turning her head from the fire.

"Yeah, I dunno what's with you guys," Pinkie added.

"Sorry, sorry." Twilight tried to stay focused. "...This is gonna take a while, isn't it?"

"Maybe," said Rainbow. "I haven't exactly done this before."

Twilight looked out the window, tapping her foot impatiently. "I wonder how long until Celestia notices Ponyville's back to normal."

"Perhaps we should make the statue while we wait," Rarity suggested.

"Oh, good point!" said Twilight. "Hm, we'll need a rock to carve it from. You know what? I'll be right back." Twilight dashed out the door, leaving the rest to watch the "cremation".

"I gotta say, sometimes being heroes really sucks," said Rainbow.

"You're tellin' me," said Applejack as she tried to scrape some of the dried blood off her hooves. "Y'know, silly as it might sound, I kinda feel like we should say a few words or somethin'. Outta respect for the dead. That's what they did for my great great aunt and uncle, Apple Patty and Apple Adaykeepsthedoctoraway."

"Like what?" said Rainbow. "I mean, we didn't exactly like the guy. And who would even say them?"

"I suppose I can," said Rarity. She positioned herself in front of the fire and attempted to think of something respectable to say. "Today, we acknowledge the passing of Discord Smith, the draconequus."

"Smith?"

"It feels more formal if he has a last name," said Rarity, and she continued. "Discord, despite his plans to conquer Equestria to transform it into a chaotic wasteland, nevertheless probably didn't deserve the fate that befell him. Or maybe he did. I'm not one to question the judgement of the elements."

The four stood there in awkward silence before it was broken by the thunderous THUD of a boulder appearing next to them. Twilight then popped into existence as well. "Alright, I've got the rock! Now to start chiseling!"

"I think you just smashed Fluttershy's coffee table," said Rarity.

"Never mind that!" Twilight brought up five hammers and chisels. "We're running out of time! We need to get this statue done quick!"

The others sighed and grabbed a hammer and chisel each and got to work. The process went by surprisingly fast, mostly because five minutes into the project Twilight remembered she had magic and morphed the rock into a facsimile of Discord. To the best of her ability, anyway.

"I don't think his nostrils are that big," said Pinkie.

"And is one eye supposed to be smaller than the other?" said Rainbow. "Serious question. He's weird looking."

"It's close enough!" said Twilight. "Don't criticize my rock modeling skills! I don't usually do this! Rarity, you've got good hoofwriting, could you write Discord's name on the nameplate? I'm gonna go get Fluttershy and probably also refer her to this therapist I know."

Soon, Discord's statue had been appropriately named and Twilight had retrieved Fluttershy, who still tried to keep her eyes away from the fireplace. "Good job with the writing, Rarity." She squinted. "Discord... Smith?"

The other ponies' eyes darted to Rarity. Rarity kept a poker face and shrugged.

"Huh," said Twilight. "I didn't know he had a last name. Good catch. Well, I think we're almost ready! Just gotta wait for Discord to finish burning, and we'll be ready to present Celestia with this statue, and the ponies of Equestria can live in peace once again knowing Discord won't ever be a threat again!"

The others nodded. "Yeah, that's for dang sure," said Applejack.

Twilight sat on what was left of Fluttershy's couch and stared out the window, admiring the beauty of the town. The ponies milling the streets, the sun in the sky, Celestia's carriage descending from Canterlot, it was truly a sight to behold.

"Wait," said Twilight. She looked again. "Oh, shoot."

"What's wrong?" asked Rarity.

Twilight jumped off the couch. "Girls! It's Celestia! She's coming back! From Canterlot!"

Everyone gasped. "Is she comin' here?!" asked Applejack.

"Not yet," said Twilight, "But it's only a matter of time before she gets here! How far along is Discord?!"

Applejack took a look at the body. "He's only about medium rare!"

"Oh no," said Twilight. "Oh dear. Oh no. Oh gosh. This isn't gonna work. We need to get rid of him another way, quick!"

"How?!" said Rainbow.

"I don't know!" said Twilight. "We can't eat him in time, that's for sure!"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't just say that," said Rarity, "and defer to Fluttershy. You've been very quiet all day, surely you've had some ideas?"

"Uhm, well," Fluttershy said, quivering a bit at being put on the spot. "I-I've had one. But I didn't think it would be helpful."

"We're willing to hear anything at this point," said Twilight as the other ponies nodded in agreement.

"Well..." Fluttershy's eyes darted left to right. "We could feed him to a bear."

"Say what?"

"Bears eat fast. Plus you said Discord is... 'medium rare'... so I'm sure one would enjoy him."

"Alright!" Twilight exclaimed. "Sure! Fine! Let's try it! Where's a bear?"

"I know a nice one from the woods," said Fluttershy. "I can go get him."

"Great! Yeah! Go do that fast!"

Fluttershy nodded and flew out the window.

~ A few minutes later... ~

Five of the six stood outside while Fluttershy approached holding the paw of a large black bear that trotted alongside her.

"Aw!" said Pinkie. "He's cute!"

"Alright, Mr. Bearnaise, we've got the treat I told you about! Are you ready for it?" Despite Fluttershy's reassuring tone, she was clearly having a hard time keeping a cheerful face. Despite this, the bear nodded enthusiastically. Fluttershy nodded to the others, and they went inside, grabbed Discord's charred, smoking body, and tossed it outside, letting it flop onto the ground.

Mr. Bearnaise bent down, gave the body a sniff, and instantly recoiled. He gave a grunt that seemed to indicate how burned the body was.

"Oh, no, no, it's not burned," said Fluttershy. "It's... medium rare!" The other ponies nodded enthusiastically.

Mr. Bearnaise let out a whine, giving the dead draconequus the side-eye.

"Aw, come on, Mr. Bearnaise!" said Pinkie. "We made it just for you!" The other ponies continued nodding in affirmation.

The bear bent down to look at the body again, trying to find any possible way to get out of this. Yet, the ponies' stares drilled into him. He looked between the body and the ponies as if he was making the most difficult decision of his life.

And if one ever needed evidence that bears can give in to peer pressure, Mr. Bearnaise slowly, but surely, took a nibble out of the tail. And then ran off into the woods crying.

"Oh dear," said Fluttershy. "I'm going to need to apologize to him for this..."

"Forget that!" said Rainbow. "What now?!"

"Uh, hey, ain't that Celestia walking up the path?" said Applejack, pointing ahead.

"Shoot! Shoot! Gosh! Oh no!" said Twilight, pacing anxiously. "What do we do? What do we do?!"

"I dunno!" said Applejack. "I was hopin' that bear would just slurp him up like a noodle!"

"Wait, Twilight!" said Pinkie.

"What is it, Pinkie?!"

"You have magic, don't you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can't you just... teleport the body somewhere else?"

In that moment, Twilight felt something shatter inside her mind. "Oh. Uh. Good point." Twilight's horn lit up, engulfing the charred, partially eaten corpse in a glow, and the remains of Discord vanished once and for all.

~ Meanwhile, in another country... ~

"I'm sorry, everyone," said Jonathan Draggington, the father dragon of the Draggington family. "Money's been short, so we couldn't afford much for dinner today. I hope these salt rocks are enough for tonight."

"It'll do just fine, dear," his wife said, her claw on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Martha."

"This sucks," one of the kids piped up. "You know what I want for dinner? An overcooked draconequus with a little nibble already taken out of its tail."

"Spark!" Jonathan slammed his fist on the table. "As good as that sounds, this is all we have! Don't complain!"

Incidentally, at that moment, as if it were a miracle, that exact thing appeared in midair and slammed into the table.

Jonathan stared at it for a moment. "...Spark?"

"Yeah, dad?"

"I'm gonna need you to complain about every dinner we make from now on."

~ Back at Fluttershy's Cottage ~

Princess Celestia walked up to the expectant six ponies, standing next to the very legitimate and real statue of Discord. "Ah, my little ponies. You've succeeded!"

"Yep!" said Twilight, trying to keep her face as straight as possible as her voice cracked. "We sure did!"

"We turned him to stone so hard!" said Rainbow. "You should've seen it! He was all like, 'Ohhhhh nooooo I'm turning into stooooone!'. He said that because that's what we did."

"Yes, yes, I see," said Celestia as she examined the statue. "Hm. I didn't know Discord's last name was Smith."

"Yes, it's funny no one noticed that before!" said Rarity.

"I suppose I didn't spend much time looking at it. Well, nevertheless, congratulations, you all. May I ask you all to come with me to Canterlot so we can properly honor your achievement?"

"Yeah, sounds good!" Twilight barely managed to squeak out.

~ Approximately One Year Later ~

"I wonder what's taking the Princess so long," said Spike.

"Don't worry about it," said Twilight. "She said she's bringing an important visitor. Whatever it is, we might as well wait."

"Yeah, for, like, a hundred years," said Rainbow. "Important, my hoof. Important and slow."

"Maybe it's someone so terribly important that she had many more terribly important things to do before she got here," said Rarity.

"I'm sure she'll be here soon!" said Pinkie. "I hope she notices I got my hooves shined for the occasion." The three remained so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't notice Spike, yet again, turn about as white as coal painted white.

"Uh, guys?!"

"What is it, Spike?" Twilight turned around and her own face was drained of even more color.

"P-Princess Celestia?!" said Rarity. "Why have you brought Discord's St... Discord here?!"

"Yes!" Twilight squeaked. "Why?!"

"I'm fully aware that the last time Discord was here, he created serious havoc," said Celestia.

"Yeah, that's an understatement!" said Rainbow, trying to keep her cool along with everyone else.

"Nonetheless," said Celestia, "I've thought long on this, and decided we may have use for Discord's magic were he properly reformed to use it for good rather than evil. Therefore, I'm entrusting the six of you to use the elements to release him from his stone prison and teach him the ways of friendship. Do you all think you're up to the task?"

The four present didn't respond. They were frozen. They only continued staring at the statue.

"I understand you all may have reservations," Celestia said, looking at the statue herself. "But I believe this to be for the good of Equestria. After all, you can simply use the elements to return him to stone again if things get out of hand. Now, do I have your confidence on this?"

Twilight could feel her own heartbeat. She looked to the left. She looked to the right. She looked Celestia straight in the eye. After a moment more of silence, Twilight let out a desperate laugh. And then she fainted.