Author's Note
This was an unusual personal connection kind of fic. My mom always told me about how because I was born premature I needed a lot of tubes to stay alive. I'm still here today because of those tubes saving my life.
Here's to you, tubes. Thank goodness I don't remember you.
Tubes
Twilight Velvet’s eyes always took on a happy cast. Were one to look at her, they would never suspect that she had been through hardships. But she had. Some, she had spoken with her children about. But there were a few memories, so worrisome she hadn’t been able to speak of- but now, with one of them, she didn’t have a choice.
Shining Armor, her son, had just announced that he and his wife were expecting.
Truly, she had been thrilled for the both of them. There was no joy greater than a gift of a child, and she was testament to that, two times over. Both of her children gave her such joy that she didn’t know how to handle it. She felt lost in a sea of love with her own children, and of course she wished that for her son. But she was afraid for what this might mean for her son and his wife. There was a secret in all of that that she hadn’t told him, or her daughter. Now, it seemed, she had no choice.
Though she loved her daughter-in-law dearly, this incredibly private conversation was meant for herself and her son, as it had begun between them. And so, the weekend after the announcement was made, she sent a letter to her son asking him to come home for a day so they could talk. Shining had written back and agreed, having plenty of questions of how he could best help his wife through her pregnancy.
Shining Armor had taken a cue from his sister about his questions and made a list as the questions came along. That list was now three scrolls long. He took the train that morning, unaware of the story awaiting him. Hours away, his mother was holding a cup of coffee as day broke over the horizon, and feeling a sense of dread make her stomach knot up. She was afraid to tell this story, not necessarily because she feared it would upset him, but because she worried that she would lose her composure, and she knew that would. She took in a breath and let it out slowly.
You will not lose your cool today. You will keep it together today. You will not ruin this special time for Shiny.
It was her chant, her mantra. She didn’t want her son to see her upset and potentially ruin a wonderful day for him. She did not want to tell him this story, but she needed to in order to be sure his child would not suffer. The coffee electrified her already fried nerves, and she set down her mug on the coffee table’s coaster. Maybe tea would be better. She’d need to put some on for Shiny anyway. She went to the kitchen and got the tea kettle from the cupboard, she got it in her magic and filled it with water from the sink’s tap. When it was filled, she set it on the burner, and turned it on.
Orange-blue flames danced under the white kettle, and she stared at them unthinkingly, her mind awash with memories she wished she could forget. They were mesmerizing, and for a while she simply stared at them, tangled up in thoughts that she’d spent twenty seven years trying to forget. Flashes of memory came behind her eyes, seeming to flicker as the flames under the kettle did. It was only the telltale whistling of the kettle that snapped her out of it. She shook her head to try and clear it, before taking the kettle in her magic and pouring some of the water into a teacup. She got a bag of chamomile tea from the cupboard and set it in the water to steep, pacing around the kitchen so quickly she seemed to be attempting to outrun her thoughts.
You will not lose your cool today. You will keep it together today. You will not ruin this special time for Shiny.
Even though she repeated the words in her mind, they were only that- words. They could not create a protective barrier around her that would keep feelings from seeping through. She felt a sharp pang of sadness and quickly picked up her tea, bag still in it, and took a swallow. It burned, all the way down her throat, but the pain was a welcome distraction, as was the knowledge that hopefully the tea would calm her down. She tossed the teabag out in the meantime. It wasn’t needed anymore.
About half an hour later, a knock came at the door.
Shining Armor had chosen to walk from the train station in Canterlot to his parents home. The familiar sights and smells were welcome to him, and seeing the white house with the ivy around the trellis brought forth a wave of nostalgia. He could recall climbing the trellis just for fun as a colt, and narrowly missing breaking a leg falling from it when he caught himself in the nick of time. The house brought forth memories of eating sandwiches in the backyard and drinking lemonade on the porch, of picnics in dewy grass, of a young boy’s favorite pretend scenario becoming a lifelong profession. Though the Crystal Empire was where he lived now, Canterlot, and this house, would always be home to him. Everything was familiar here, right down to the feel of the wood of the door under his hoof as he knocked, and it brought him a great deal of peace.
There was a slight clanging noise from inside, of glass rattling against glass. Twilight Velvet’s surprise at the noise had made her jump enough to make the teacup rattle against it’s saucer. She mentally smacked herself for being so nervous, and set down her tea, before going to the door, repeating her mantra over and over as it was more important than ever.
You will not lose your cool today. You will keep it together today. You will not ruin this special time for Shiny.
She let her breath out slowly, and then put on a smile. She refused to let her emotions ruin a visit from her baby. She opened up the door, heart skipping a beat.
“Shiny!” She greeted, pulling him into a hug.
“Hey, Mom!” He said, hugging her back.
“Come on in, honey. I’ve got some tea ready if you’d like some.” She said, letting him come inside.
“Sure. Earl Neigh?”
“Of course, sweetheart.” She smiled. She went to the kitchen and got a cup down from the cupboard, pouring the water inside. “Did you have a nice trip here?”
Shining shrugged. “Same old same old. Wasn’t anything very exciting on the train.”
She smiled, putting his tea bag in. “Always wanting excitement.” She said.
“Wonder who I got that from?” He grinned.
“Your sister?” She feigned ignorance on the topic.
“Well, Twily’s life is pretty exciting these days, but I don’t think it has anything on the excitement of having a baby.”
I’m sorry, Mrs. Velvet, but the baby is in danger of-
She cut the thought off, though it did infect her enough to make the tea slosh a tiny bit in her magic, making a drop land over the saucer. “Nothing is more exciting than that.” She smiled. “How is Cadence doing?” She asked, giving the tea to her son as she went to the couch and picked her own cup up.
“She’s… I think she’s okay, considering everything, but I’m a little worried about her.” He said, dipping his tea bag in and out with his magic. “She’s been pretty moody lately.”
Velvet nodded. “Well, it’s a big change in body chemistry. Her hormones are going crazy, honey. Her body’s getting ready for a baby but she’s still a princess and has to do those duties. It’s a lot to deal with. The best thing you can do is try and be supportive of her and try and be as there for her as you can. I understand you can’t do it all the time, but when you can, it can really help her.”
He nodded. “That’s part of why I’m here. I had a list-“
“You had a list? Are you going to give your sister a run for her money now?” She teased.
He grinned. “Ha ha, Mom. Very funny. But really, I made a list because I had a lot of questions for you about how I can help Cadence and the baby.”
Velvet smiled at the fact that her son was so concerned, though the last word tried to ice that out with a stab of fear. “Of course, sweetie. What’s your first question?”
He pulled a scroll from his saddlebags and unfurled it in his magic, beginning to read. “Okay, first off- Cadence’s hind legs have been getting swollen. Is that normal?”
Velvet nodded. “That’s called Edema, honey. It’s just a fancy word that means she’s retaining some water. If it’s in her front legs and not just her hind legs, that’s when you get worried. My obstetrician told me that a long time ago.”
He got out a quill and wrote it down. When he noticed his mother staring with a raised eyebrow, he smiled sheepishly. “So I don’t forget later.”
She nodded. “Alright, go on.”
“She’s been craving a lot of weird foods, so is there anything I shouldn’t give her?”
Velvet had to think about that. “There was a condition my doctor talked about. It’s called pica. It’s where you crave things that aren’t food. He told me he knew mares who used to eat chalk or clay. If she starts eating things that don’t have any nutritional value, I think that’s when you should worry. It could mean an iron deficiency.”
Shining nodded, writing it down. “Alright. Is there anything I can do to make her feel better at this point in her pregnancy?”
Velvet smiled. “Hoof massages are amazing, make sure you tell her she’s beautiful, do back massages while you still can and she can enjoy it, and be a shoulder for her to cry on if she needs it. And if she gets mad at you, don’t take it personally. I got mad at your father for plenty of things when I was pregnant with you and Twily that seem ridiculous now.”
He nodded. “Are there any members of our family who aren’t unicorns? I want to try and help Cadence figure out what the baby will be.”
“Not that I know of.” Velvet said. This was going better than she expected. Maybe she could do this.
“What’s our family medical history?”
You have Preeclampsia, Ma’am. You cannot leave the bed.
But my baby-
The baby will be fine, you need to rest.
There was a barely audible hitch in her breath at the memory crossing her mind. Shining hadn’t seemed to notice. “Well, after I had you I had preeclampsia. It’s a medical condition that causes high blood pressure in pregnant mares, and It can be very serious if untreated, for her and the baby. I don’t think Cadence will have it, but, you know…”
“So no heart disease or anything?”
“No, no, nothing like that.” She said. Something odd in her voice made Shining look up. She seemed fine. Perhaps it was just his mind playing tricks on him.
“Okay… Is there any tips you can give me for being in the delivery room?”
“Um…” She had to fight to block where she knew her mind was going off. “Maybe wrap your hoof in a scarf. Cadence may squeeze it tightly and It will hurt if she does. If you think you’ll be squeamish about the birth, focus on her face. And prepare yourself for a whole lot of yelling.”
Shining snorted. “Mom, I’m a royal guard, I got trained by sergeants louder than her. I think I can handle it.”
Velvet looked him in the eye. “Honey, you trust me on this, you will hear words coming out of her mouth that will make those sergeants seem shy.”
His eyes widened a little. Perhaps in surprise, perhaps because he couldn’t picture it, or perhaps simply in shock. Nonetheless, he wrote it down.
“Can Cadence exercise during this?”
“Yes, it’s very good for her and the baby.” Velvet nodded. “Just not too much."
Shining got through another half-scroll of questions before he got to an important one.
“Are there any premature babies in our family?”
Velvet gave a small choked gasp that wasn’t audible to her son, but the fact that her teacup dropped and shattered in surprise was more than enough of an indication to her son that something was wrong.
“Mom?!” He asked, concerned.
He’s not likely to make it.
Yes he will, he has to!
Ma’am-
You listen to me, my son is going to live, do you hear me?!
“I-I should clean that up. What was I thinking?” She said, once she’d recovered herself. She was about to get a broom in her magic to sweep the glass before her son’s hoof on her own stopped her.
“Mom… What is it?”
Velvet sucked in a breath to try and steady herself. “Shiny, there are some stories parents don’t tell children because they aren’t old enough to understand them. There are some stories parents don’t tell their children because they’re trying to protect them. And there are some stories parents don’t tell their children because they don’t want to remember them. This one falls under the last category, but it’s a story you need to hear.”
Shining looked at her very seriously, but curiously. “Okay. Let’s hear it.”
Velvet took in a deep breath. Just tell him, and it will be over.
“When I got pregnant with you, your grandmare warned me that I was a few weeks early. It wasn’t anything serious. I was maybe four weeks premature. Not quite full term, but I didn’t have any developmental issues or anything like that.” She began. “The time I was pregnant with you was the best time of my life. I loved every second of it. I used to read you stories all the time, and I wrote you a song that I always sang to you before bed. I was so excited to meet you, and I remember wishing that my due date would come faster so I could meet you.” Her expression soured. “That’s how I learned to be careful what you wish for.”
Shining’s eyebrows shot up in surprise as his mother continued.
“Unlike myself, you were over two months early.” She said softly. “When I went into labor with you, I thought for sure I was having false labor pains or dreaming. You weren’t due for two months, and there was just no way that I could be…” She paused. “But I was. I was in labor, and you were coming. So Daddy took me to the hospital, and when they did my vitals and blood test they found signs of preeclampsia.” She let out her breath to try and control herself. “Preeclampsia is dangerous for the mother because of the high blood pressure, but it was even more dangerous for you because it could cause a number of issues with your kidneys, liver, lungs, and lead to both of our deaths.” She was very still when speaking about it, as if moving would somehow shatter the present time and yank her into the past.
“I was afraid. I’d never been so afraid in my life. The doctors kept telling me I needed to calm down, and I could for short periods, but it just… it wasn’t good. And the pain. It was so intense that I couldn’t do anything but scream until my throat was on fire.” She smiled, and for a moment there was a bit of mirth in her eyes. “Your father had never looked so afraid of me in his life. There were a few moments I thought he might have fainted. It wasn’t funny then, but it is a bit to me now.” Then, as quick as the mirth was gathered, it was gone. “I felt like I was being carved from the inside out. They say our bodies can only endure a certain amount of pain, but I read a book in the library that said during birth mares feel the pain equivalent of breaking twenty bones at the same time.”
Shining cringed at that, remembering having broken one once as a boy.
“The labor… The pushing portion is a bit blurry to me aside from the pain and the terror I felt. That might have been due to the preeclampsia, maybe. I still don’t know. I just kept thinking one thing over and over. I was praying, and I thought, If I die, then so be it, just let the baby live. It was on an infinite loop in my mind. And then, just when I thought I was going to die, the pain began to fade. You were born. But you didn’t cry.” Her eyes grew misty at the memory.
“I didn’t get the chance to look at you. The doctors and nurses were hurrying you away from me. I kept asking them, “What’s wrong with my baby?” But nopony gave me an answer. They just kept telling me to rest and that you were in good hooves. I wanted so badly to chase them down and see you but I was so weak that I couldn’t… I ended up passing out from the exhaustion and the pain.”
Shining was shocked and awed by this story, riveted in his seat, but he felt a sharp sadness cut at him because of how hard it was for his mother. Nonetheless, he decided it better not to interrupt her for now.
“I think they must have pumped me with some kind of pain relieving spell or maybe some medicine. Your Daddy told me later on that he’d never quite seen me so… incoherent. That faded after a while, and when I was more… Normal, I asked the doctor about you. It was then that I learned you were a colt. I was hoping for good news. I’d slept about a day and a half including the time I was incoherent by medication. I thought in that time you might have turned a corner. But I was wrong. The news was not good. It was the worst news I’d ever gotten in my life. The doctor gave you thirty days to live.” Her voice was almost a whisper, and tears were coming down her face now.
“You had fluid build up in your lungs that they had to drain pretty consistently, you needed tubes to help you breathe and a g tube in your nose to feed you because you couldn’t nurse yet. You were in the NICU in an incubator, and they didn’t want me to touch you because at your early age, you might have gotten very sick from it.” She was choking the words out, and Shining moved to put a hoof around her, but she seemed to be lost in the memories.
“I went to see you, and it was… I thought I knew what fear was before. But I was so wrong. There were tubes coming out of every inch of you. Your hooves, your mouth, your nose, and what didn’t have tubes had wires to measure your heart rate. You were so tiny. You were so small that I just thought you looked like a little porcelain doll that would break when touched. I broke out into tears because I felt like such a failure. I wasn’t able to carry you to term and you were suffering for it. I was crying and screaming so much it’s really a wonder those nurses didn’t sedate me and take me back to my room. I had never felt so terrible, nor have I since. I actually threw up in a basin nearby because I just couldn’t bear to see you that way. And I kept telling myself that it was my fault, and I was crying and praying over and over please don’t take him, please don’t take him. I hadn’t even gotten to hold you, but I knew that life without you would mean nothing.”
She was gasping a little and had to try and steady herself. “I had to pump my breastmilk every day because you couldn’t have it from me. The sucking and swallowing instinct doesn’t kick in until much later. And I saw you in that little incubator I was… There aren’t any words in all of your sister’s dictionaries for how much I needed to be with you. I used to sit next to you for hours and sing to you and read to you. You were, for pretty much all the time you were there except for the end, the worst one off, so the nurses didn’t bother me. I always wondered if that meant they’d already given up hope that you would make it. But I never did. You had to make it. You had to be okay. Anything else was just unthinkable.”
She took in a sharp breath. “I remember the tubes so vividly. I hated your g tube the most, because it meant that I wasn’t giving you what you needed. And they had this tube in your chest that was meant to drain the fluid from your lungs, and anytime I saw a little bit of that in there, I felt sick. I felt so incredibly sick, because you couldn’t even breathe without problems. If I couldn’t be strong enough to carry you long enough to be sure that you were able to breathe, what kind of mother was I? But with the tubes… I loved them and I hated them. I hated them because you needed them at all but I loved them for keeping you alive. I learned everything about them in case you ever…” Silence. Quiet. “The nurses showed me. They were so nice about it. But I was scared to death that I was going to screw up and hurt you. One wrong move and…” She shuttered hard, and he felt it rattling his bones.
“Eventually though, I did get to touch you.” She smiled. “Up until that point, Everypony had worn gloves with you. But I reached out and touched you with my hoof. You saw me and you recognized me and kicked your little legs so hard the incubator shook. It was such an amazing feeling. And I knew right then I would do anything for you. And when I got to hold you, I swore I would never let you down.” Her face fell a bit after that.
“You needed the tubes even after you came home from the hospital. It was scarier then because there wasn’t anypony else there to help you if you needed help. It was just you and me and Daddy. If we’d had the money, I would have hired a night nurse to watch over you but we weren’t in a position to do that.” She paused for a long while.
“I used to check on you every fifteen minutes during the night. When you were a baby and you had what I assume were nightmares- even back then- you used to shake so hard the crib would shake. And one night I heard the crib shaking and banging against the wall and I ran in, and somehow you’d pulled all of your tubes out. You didn’t need the mouth one for breathing by that point, but you needed the others. I lost it, screamed for your father and had him help me get your tubes back in. It scared me to death. I had nightmares about you dying from that until you were two, and every now and then it sneaks back in.” She pursed her lips.
“Eventually, though, you didn’t need the tubes anymore. But I still have them in a box in the attic. I couldn’t shake that feeling that maybe someday they’d come in handy again. I hoped they never would.” She blotted at her eyes with a handkerchief. She let out a deep breath. “I didn’t want to tell you this story, Shiny, and I most certainly wouldn’t have told it to Cadence. She’s got enough on her plate right now, and so do you. But I told you anyways because I want to protect my grandchild. I’m hoping that because I told you this, maybe you will see something that I didn’t see, or at the very least be prepared for anything. I hope Cadence never goes through what I went through. I lived every day in terror but I made it, and I had you. Because of that it was worth it. And if I had to go through it again and get the same result, I would. I just don’t ever want you to have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone my son.”
Shining had tears streaming down his face as he hugged his mother tightly. “Mama… I’m sorry.”
Velvet hugged him back in full force. “Don’t be sorry, honey. You made it. You’re alive. That’s all I care about.”
Shining nodded, sniffling, and Velvet floated a tissue in her magic so that he could blow his nose, before he took it, did so, and tossed it out. “Mom?”
“Yeah, honey?”
“Can I see the tubes?”
Velvet blinked. “If you want, yes.”
Shining glanced down. “Maybe we should clean the teacup off the floor first.”
She finally smiled without losing it. “I think that would be smart.”
Velvet swept the glass and Shining mopped up the spilled tea, before Velvet led him to the attic. She poked her head up inside, and pulled a small dusty box that was sealed with packing tape from all sides to be sure it’s contents were perfectly preserved. Shining cut through the tape with a box cutter, and looked inside. Neatly coiled tubes were inside. There were six of them. One was slightly larger than the rest and came with a mask. The breathing tube, he realized. There was a thin one, and the other four looked more wiry than like actual tubes, but somehow he knew they were.
“They’re so small.” He said absently.
“Sweetie, when you were born these tubes seemed to swallow you whole.” Velvet said, grimacing at the memory.
Shining put a hoof on the tubes, still smooth after all this time. He tried to imagine what it would have been like to have them in, but he couldn’t really picture it. What he did know, however, was that they saved his life. So, as he ran his hoof over them all, he whispered something.
“Thank you for keeping me alive so that I could have a great life.”
It was in that moment that Velvet could finally begin to forgive herself for not carrying him to term. Despite all odds, her son was thriving. He had a beautiful wife, and was going to have a baby of his own, and he wouldn’t have had it if it weren’t for the tubes in the box. She felt herself crying again as she went up to her son, and said a silent thank you to the tubes that had saved him.
Velvet put a hoof on his shoulder, and smiled through her tears.
