It’s an ordinary, average day in Equestria. Actually, you know what? Fuck that. When’s the last time you had an ordinary, average day in Equestria. Fucking never, that’s when. You’re only goddamn human in Equestria, and there’s fucking nothing normal that happens around you around these goddamn pastel horses.
I mean for fuck’s sake. You’re dating a pony that’s literally the living embodiment of pizza. And that’s not a joke. You’re pretty sure her mane is quite literally cheese and pepperoni. Not that you’ve touched it, or anything. That would be rude. You’d never do something that rude to Mozzarella Orgy.
Like mentioning her last name in public. I mean. That’s just unfortunate.
But, when she said that she would be free tonight after her shift ended, you decided to see her in her natural environment. If work is a natural environment. Naturally, she worked at a pizza place. And that’s where you find yourself.
You’re standing outside of an establishment named Redwings Pizza. Yep. That’s right.
You look down at your notes, then back up at the name.
“That’s also just unfortunate,” you whisper under your breath.
But you know what? Some of the weirdest places have some of the best goddamn food. And you who doesn’t like Pizza? Nihilists. Fuck Nihilists. You ain’t no goddamn Nihilist.
You push open the door and look around at the… well, clean establishment. Clean but empty. There are pristine tile floors. The wallpaper on the walls and plenty of wooden tables. But he couldn’t even see any of the workers. How does Mozzarella make a living at this place?
You walk up to the counter and sit down at a bar stool. You try to peek around the corner into the kitchen. The lights are on, but it seems like nopony’s home. Oh god. Now they have you doing the pony thing. What is this world coming to?
There’s a little bell on the bar counter, and you tap it lightly. A red mare with a green frizzy mane and tail steps out of the kitchen and glares at you in frustration.
She walks up to you and grabs a pad and paper.
“What do ya want?” she asks.
You look down to her name tag.
“Well, uh. Marenara. I’m actually Mozzarella ’s date for tonight. Heh.”
She glares at you and raises an eyebrow.
“What? So you looking for her to give a blowie on the job or something? Fat chance bucko.”
“N-no! That’s not what I mean. I just. Uh. Wanted to see where she worked. And pick her up since she’s off in 30 minutes.”
Marenara glares at you, slamming down her pad and pencil.
“So, you’re gonna sit here. Buy nothing. And wait to take my employee home,” she says flatly. “Smooth.”
What the hell is this mare’s problem? Jeez. Who shit in her spaghetti and didn’t tell her?
“Er, well. I can go for a slice of pepperoni.”
“Good decision,” she says. “I’ll make it extra special, just for you.”
She gives you a wink and trots off to the kitchen.
“T-thanks,” you say with more of a question than anything else. This is weird. And probably why this place is always empty.
“HEY MOZZ. YOUR BOY TOY IS HERE,” you hear shouted from the back.
Oh god. This is going terribly.
You can see Mozzarella peek her head from around the kitchen door, then poke her head back inside. Oh no. Is she nervous? Is she mad that you came? Oh god. Maybe this was a bad idea.
After about fifteen minutes of self doubt, it isn’t the red menace that is bringing you a fresh slice of pizza, but your marefriend. Her skin wasn’t like a usual pony’s skin. It was almost… doughy? It was hard to explain. And her hair was stringy and had little pepperoni decorated about. You swore if you didn’t pay attention for too long, they moved about on her head. If it was a trick, it was a really cool trick.
She blushes intensely as she sets it in front of you.
“Hey,” she says nervously.
This is unusual. You’ve never really seen Mozz nervous before. She’s usually quite forward. Almost to a fault. Seeing her actually nervous…
“Hey! How it goin’!”
“Not bad. I just… didn’t expect to actually see you here.”
“Is that bad?” you ask. “I mean. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-”
“N-no. You were going to some day. It was just a matter of time.”
“Is it usually this empty here?” you ask, taking the slice.
“Yeah, actually,” She says, watching you grab the slice of pizza. “We don’t get too many folks around here.”
“Huh,” you say, taking a slice.
A whirlwind of flavors fills your mouth. Spicy. Zesty. Sweet. Cheesy. Charring. Toasty. It’s all of the elements that make up a perfect slice of pizza. It’s thin, but still has some structure. Some heft. It’s perfect for folding. You take another bite and get the saltiness of the pepperoni. It tastes fresh. Not like the cheap crap you can buy at the store, but something delicately crafted by an artisan.
It’s perfect.
“Honestly, that’s insane to me. This is literally the best slice of pizza I’ve ever had in my life.”
You look down at the pizza like it’s a blessing sent from the heavens, then back up to Mozzarella . She blushes intensely.
“W-well. I made it. So-”
“You are one of the finest pizza chefs I’ve ever met,” you say, taking another bite. Then another. You swear a tear is coming to your eye. It reminds you of home. No, it doesn’t remind you of home. It reminds you of being home on a Friday night in your childhood with the boys. You’re trying to beat each other’s times in Spiderman 2 for the Playstation 2 in the Pizza Delivery game. And Mom just brought home pizza. With a stuffed crust.
“I mean. Well, actually-”
“Seriously. I don’t know how you guys make this. But we gotta get the word out. Everyone has to try this. Seriously. You guys will make a killing.”
“Anon,” she interrupts. “The pizza is made of me. My dough. My hair.”
You stare blankly at your marefriend. Then down to your pizza. Then back up at her.
“No.”
“Yes,” she says.
“I mean if I wanted extra cheese,” you say.
She rips a gooey patch of her mane out and puts it on top of the pizza.
You look up to her, then back down at the pizza.
Well now you have two options in front of you. You could run. Screaming. Probably ruin your chances forever of ever having a meaningful relationship with this mare. Or, you could act like this was something completely normal and never comment on it ever again.
Your dumb ass goes for option C, and takes another bite.
Lo and behold! The pizza is extra cheesy. The pepperonis match. The sauce is still perfectly balanced. This pizza is made of her parts.
“Oh,” you say, your mouth full of food.
She looks down, her face full of regret.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s gross. I’ll just.”
“No! No!” you say. “It’s not gross. I’m just trying to understand.”
She looks from you to the floor.
“I’m literally made of food. And it’s so hard to get a good job. And when ponies find out that the food is literally made of… well Ponies. Then they usually leave and never come back. And warn others to never come here.”
“Well that’s silly,” you say reflexively.
“But it’s not! It’s been so hard to find a stallion who doesn’t think it’s weird that ponies eat me for money! It’s not even like it’s sex work! They just think I’m some sort of monster,” she shouts, garlic tears welling in her eyes. “And now you will too.”
“Hey,” you say, reaching a hand over the counter and touching her upper leg. “I don’t think you’re a monster. I think you’re really cool. And an amazing cook.”
She looks up to you, the tears trailing down her face but a smile gradually forms on her face.
“Really? You mean it?”
“Yeah,” you reply. “Honestly, I’m more worried. What happens when you… Well, use your body to make food.”
“Oh! It grows back. It takes an hour or so, but it just pops right back.”
“Well that’s convenient. How do you guys make the sauce?”
Then, a loud, long groan comes from the back as there’s a loud splashing sound.
“OH YEAH. THAT’LL BE A SPICY BATCH.”
“You really don’t want to know,” Mozz says, placing a hoof over her eyes.
“Oh,” you mumble. “Marenara.”
“Just don’t think about it,” she says. “Listen. I know how weird all of this is. I totally understand if it’s not something you’re willing to put up with. It wouldn’t be the first time a stallion… well-”
“No! Babe. No. Listen. I think what you do here is awesome. And I wanna support you however I can. Seriously. And you better believe I’m going to tell people to come here and eat your… well you.”
She smiles and dries her tear streaked face.
“It’s still kinda weird,” she chuckles.
“It’s really weird.”
The two of you laugh as she holds your hand with her warm, bready hooves.
“Listen, I--” she starts, then stops. “I haven’t really had a stallion know about this and… well. Stay before. Are you sure?”
“Yeah dude, seriously,” you respond. “I mean. I can tell it makes you really uncomfortable, and I don’t plan to make a big deal about it.”
“Well, it’s a big deal to me,” She says. “And I know we planned a whole date night… but would you like to come back to my place?”
You blink, and suddenly, it hits you.
“Does that mean we’re going for delivery?”
She playfully hits you with a hoof.
“Asshole.”
She pulls you into her bedroom with a sly smile.
“There’s so many jokes I can make right now,” you say.
“Do you usually try to ruin your chances of getting laid just before sex?” Mozzarella asks.
“Honestly? Yeah? It’s weird. I tend to be my own self saboteur.”
“If you say one word about bringing any extra sausage,” she says. “I swear to god this isn’t happening.”
“Can I just get it all out of my system first then?” you ask.
She turns and glares at you as she sits on her bed. She sighs and places a hoof to her forehead.
“Okay. Just this once. If you make me laugh once, then I’ll forgive it.”
You take a deep breath, then let your mind run wild.
“Eeey gurl. Do you have any other way of paying for this delivery? I’ll put some extra toppings alll over your pizza. I’ll give you some ranch to dip on this meal. I’m gonna make tonight extra saucy. I’m gonna double stuff your crust.”
“You done?” she asks.
“I’mma give you somea spicy meataballs.”
She snorts.
“Okay, fine. Good enough. Get over here you idiot and fuck me.”
In an instant, your clothes are on the floor. Honestly, you probably ripped them off of your body. Something about strong mares asking you to take your clothes off has this effect on you.
She lays on the bed and spreads her legs open. You crawl up the bed toward her, and you suddenly realize the beginning of the implications of having a marefriend that is made of food. She has a vagina. Don’t get any thoughts in your mind about it NOT being a vagina.
But it doesn’t seem like… normal mare fluids.
“I-is everything okay?” she asks nervously. Her face flushes red and she looks away from you.
“Yeah,” you say. “You’re beautiful.”
You move your face up to examine her privates. And realize that her fluids are… garlic butter.
“D-don’t stare at it like that…” she whimpers.
You extend your tongue to lick her clit. And sure enough, your tongue is overwhelmed with what tastes like freshly churned garlic butter with a touch of salt. She moans at the feeling of your tongue against her most sensitive place.
“That feels amazing,” she moans.
You wrap your arms around her legs and pull your face in close as you let your tongue trace the edges of her clit, labia and opening. It reminded you of licking out the remnants of a garlic dipping sauce cup.
She moans in ecstasy and grips your head with her hooves. Every trace makes her body tremble in anticipation.
“Anon… don’t… stop,” she gasps.
You push your tongue inside her opening and taste the gentle garlic buttery goodness mix with the texture of soft breadsticks. You move your right hand to her clit and massage her gently.
“Don’t… stop… I’m gonna-- ANON!”
Her back arches intensely, and she gasps loudly. Then, in a blast of flavor, a rush of garlic butter sprays into your mouth. You can’t help but gulp it down, refusing to think of the calories you just ingested. She moans in an open mouth, her tongue hanging out slightly as she reaches the peak of her orgasm.
“Oh… my…” she pants.
You’ve done your best to ignore your cock’s needs for now, but a man can only be patient for so long.
You pull your body up to look her eye to eye.
“Wait,” she gasps. “Anon, I’m still sensitive.”
You plunge yourself deep inside her pizza flower. She cries out in a mixture of pain and overwhelming pleasure as you push your cock deeper and deeper. Her body gently kneads your cock, desiring more and more.
“Fuck,” you gasp. “You feel so fucking good.”
“Anon!” she moans, pulling her hooves around your neck. “Don’t stop. It’s so fucking good.”
You thrust harder and harder. The room begins to smell of cheese and crust as you go harder and harder. Her mane bounces in the rhythm of your thrusts. Her eyes roll toward the headboard as it knocks against her bedroom wall.
“Bite my neck, Anon” she begs.
You lean down and sink your teeth into her neck. As a pure accident, you get some of her mane in your mouth, and you’re treated to the taste of a delectable pepperoni cheese breadstick. Her skin is bready and toasted and your teeth sink in.
“Harder!” she gasps.
You plunge deeper and harder. You feel as if you’re at your limit. Your muscles contract. With a loud gasp you push your cock into her to the hilt and feel yourself release a thick stream of gooey cum into her pizza pussy. Your teeth clamp down involuntarily, losing yourself to the feeling.
And you take a piece of her skin into your mouth.
“YES!” She cries out in ecstasy. “Anon!~”
She moans as the flavors of garlic butter, cheese bread, and sex whirl in your mouth. You collapse onto her body and she holds you tightly.
“Oh~” she moans, chuckling. “That was so intense.”
You swallow your bite of… well, her body and suddenly realize what you’ve done. Pulling back, you check to see the damage.
She reaches a hoof down to the very clear bite mark in her neck.
“Well that hickey will last a while,” she chuckles. “That was amazing.”
“Was that okay?” you ask, instantly concerned.
“It was amazing, Anon,” she says, tracing the corners of your face with a hoof. “Nopony’s ever done that to me before… it was… really intense.”
You lay down beside her and pull her close.
“It was awesome for me too,” you said. “I just feel a little weird about biting a chunk out of you…”
She giggled and looked up to you.
“Would it make you feel better if I let you chew on my hair as you bask in the afterglow?”
You look down at her and kiss her forehead.
“I think I’m in love with you,” you say.
“Sure, weirdo,” she giggles, placing her mane in your mouth. “Tell me it’s not weird.”
“It’s a little weird,” you say, nibbling on her cheesy mane. “But it’s also fucking awesome.”
And so, on this day, you can say you got a pizza dat ass.
Author's Note
Upvote this saucy little tail straight to the pizza box.
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