King Sombra was giddy, a rare state of being for the brutal ruler of the Crystal Empire. He had an image to maintain, after all, and bouncing around like a filly on their birthday was not something a brutal tyrant did. Really, he should have been staring ominously at the guards, ordering a few executions, and coming up with plots to take over the world.
Today, though, he put all that aside and allowed himself to revel in the treat coming his way. The elusive Gray Revolutionary who had been a pain in his backside for weeks had finally been captured. At long last, he would be able to make an example out of the mare before her followers and squash their petty, insignificant rebellion with a single show of power!
Her execution was already scheduled for tomorrow morning. Tonight, though… Tonight he would get to gloat. If he knew anything about revolutionaries, she would come in with a defiant, carefully constructed exterior. After about ten minutes of intense berating and perhaps a few violent outbursts of magic this exterior would break down into desperation and sorrow. If he was lucky, she’d even beg for her life. He’d never grant such a request, naturally, but he could definitely lead her on… ah, decisions, decisions! Should he squelch her hopes immediately or drag them out? Both had their own form of catharsis.
The moment he heard hoofsteps approaching the doors to his crystal throne room Sombra pushed the thoughts aside. No need to get fixated on the details, she was here. He would enjoy this encounter no matter what.
The massive amethyst doors slid open on their smooth hinges, a high-pitched grinding sound filling the room as they swung into the room. Four guards in Sombra’s favorite black armor were leading a somewhat small unicorn into his presence.
She looked more-or-less like her wanted posters. A dark gray coat coupled with a jarring banana-yellow mane that looked like it had no idea what manestyle it wanted and said, “screw it, all of them,” creating a cacophonous mess. The blue of her eyes was a bit stronger than Sombra had been expecting, but nothing too unusual.
There was only one problem.
She was smiling.
“Like, great place you got here!” She said, lifting one of her chained hooves up to gesture at the brilliant crystal chandelier between her and Sombra. “Major fresh!”
Sombra was caught off his guard for a moment. Was she mocking him? Perhaps she knew she was dead, so she was trying to get in what fun she could before the gallows showed her what laid beyond the mortal veil. Might as well play along.
“I’m glad you noticed. I do spend a small fortune on keeping up decoration, Revolutionary.”
Her face twisted in disgust. “Egh. You too? Why does everypony call me that? I have a name!”
“Oh?” Sombra leaned forward in his throne, swiveling his ears in her direction. “Do tell.”
“I’m Insipid!”
Sombra paused. He had heard that before, but he couldn’t for the life of him imagine why any parent would name their kid Insipid. It literally meant “without flavor!” What were they thinking?
“Uh, so… why did you want to see me?” Insipid asked.
Sombra grinned. “Oh, nothing much. I just wanted to get to know my nemesis a bit bef-“
“Woah, I’m your nemesis? Sweet!” She tapped her hooves on the ground in excitement. “I never really had a solo nemesis before! Can we do the whole ‘unusual circumstances thing?”
“The… what?”
“You know, the ‘we meet again under the most unusual of circumstances' deal! Come on, you know you want to.” She raised her eyebrows up and down rapidly.
Sombra gawked. “…We’ve never met. That wouldn’t make sense.”
“Oh.” Insipid processed this. “Right, well, we’ll just have to do it next time, cha?”
“There won’t be a next time.” Sombra lifted himself from the throne and walked down to her.
“Aww, are you going somewhere?”
Sombra forced his expression to remain level and calm despite the infuriatingly pointless question. “No, but you are.”
“Did I win that vacation? I’ve been waiting for months to hear a-“
“It appears my guards have neglected to mention that you are being executed tomorrow morning, Insipid.”
“Oh.”
“…Just, oh?”
“Well, yeah. I thought that would happen on Wednesday.”
“Tomorrow is Wednesday!”
Insipid cocked her head. “But today is Monday.”
“No, it’s Tuesday!”
“I don’t remember going to sleep, can’t be Tuesday.”
“You were knocked out by my guards!”
“Psh, I’d remember that,” Insipid said with a giggle.
“That’s… not how…” Sombra took in a sharp breath and forced a smile back to his face. “I see. You’re trying to get a rise out of me.”
“Don’t you have to be dead for me to do that?”
“Not raise, rise!”
“But you’re not in your throne.”
“Do you think this is a game!?” Sombra shouted, dropping his calm, confident mask in exchange for the rage he felt deep within.
“Oh, game? Like, I didn’t know!”
“No, th-“
“Am I winning? Oh, what’s the score?”
“THERE IS NO SCORE!” Sombra shrieked. “This is your life we’re talking about! I am King Sombra! You are the Gray Revolutionary.”
“Insipid,” she corrected. “And I know who you are, King Sombrero, I don’t need reminding.”
Sombra grabbed hold of her with his telekinesis, lifting her into the air by her neck. “I am King Sombra!”
“That’s what I said, King Somber.”
“SOMBRA!”
“Umbra?”
He slammed her into the ground. “Let me get this into that idiotic brain of yours, Revolutionary. I am Sombra. S-O-M-B-R-A. Sombra.”
“Oooooh, I get it. Rarity!”
“…That’s not even close!”
“I miiiiiight have done that one on purpose, Somber. Like, sorry!”
Sombra’s jaw dropped. “You… you are a fool. Your skull is pressed into the pavement and you joke? How? How has a pony like you been such a pain in my side for so long!?”
“I dunno. Just as much of a mystery to you as it is to me!”
Sombra stared blankly at her.
“I mean, like, I was just passing through and some ponies decided to capture me. Got out, and apparently escaping from a bunch of crystal nimrods in pointy helmets is ‘totally cool’ and then next thing I knew everypony had heard of me and was excited to see me. Really confusing, you know? Like, I’m bad with your name, and you’ve been shouting it at me! Try to remember the names of dozens of other ponies who insist they know who you are but you’re pretty sure they just keep coming from some kind of mysterious follower pocket dimension…” She frowned. “No, wait, I did remember Gerald.”
“…Gemstone?”
“Yeah, Gemmy! I remember him. I think he talked about you a lot!”
“You really are a fool…” Sombra said, removing his telekinetic hold on her. “You… you are nothing more than a figurehead. Something the resistance rallies around. A useless unicorn…”
“Wh… useless? Hey!” Insipid stamped her hoof angrily.
“You aren’t even aware of what you are, are you?” Sombra laughed. “Just a stupid mare in a situation Gemstone thought perfect for a figurehead. Useless.”
“I did stuff! I-”
“You served a purpose for them!” Sombra hissed. “You are nothing to me! Only to… them…” His rage vanished, replaced with a confident smile. “Perhaps executing you is the wrong move…” He walked up closer to her, examining her facial features. “They don’t need to see you die, you’d just be a martyr for that which remains. But if they saw you break?”
“I broke a lot of bones over the last few weeks.”
He pushed his face closer to hers. “I mean your spirit… if they watch you submit to me… Submit willingly, not through magic… They will fall through lack of faith and hope. You may think you can resist, but you w-“
“Wow, your teeth are, like, so perfectly straight it’s creepy.”
Sombra’s face twisted into an insane, deep rage that stretched his skin until it stung. He slapped her across the face with his hoof, knocking her to the ground. “Wench!”
“Ow…” Insipid said, rubbing her head. “Oh, hey, you touched me!”
“Gerald said you’d touch me if you spent enough time around me! I’m soooo glad I listened to him.” She lit her horn with a dark, raging aura. “I don’t think I could have taken this power if I’d tried to jump you! So powerful…”
“…What?”
Insipid tapped her hoof on the ground, creating a massive crystal of darkness in front of Sombra. One of his crystals. The kind his magic made.
“You… DARE take my power!?” Sombra shrieked.
“Uh, duh!” Insipid smacked herself in the head. “Aren’t you paying attention?”
The guards moved as one, thrusting spears into Insipid. The moment the spears touched her skin she dissipated into black smoke. “Woah, this is cool! What can I do like this?” The smoke that was her surged, lashing out with volatile flashes of light. All of the guards fell like dominoes.
“Enough!” Sombra declared, forcing his brainwashing spell onto her mind. “You will do as I say, Insipid, and this curious power of yours will conquer the world!”
“Um… how about no?”
“No!? NO!? I’m brainwashing you!”
“Sombrero, I have your powers, of course I’m immune to that! Cha.”
That wasn’t how it worked. The hypnosis was absolute.
“Here, let me show you!” She coalesced into her unicorn self and blasted Sombra with the spell.
“NO!” Sombra shrieked at the top of his lungs, creating a massive crystal large enough to not only puncture Insipid but also destroy the ceiling of the palace itself. Everything came crashing down from above, landing on the ground in smooth crystals.
“See? You’re totally immune!” Insipid said, having dissipated into smoke to avoid the crystal. “You totally could have killed me right there!”
“Yes,” Sombra said in a lifeless tone.
“Now you’re getting it,” Insipid giggled, tapping her head. “Hah, I helped somepony think through something! Take that, universe.”
“Yes.”
“Anyway, uh, I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to do now. They wanted some damage but, like, destroying the palace ceiling is a lot of damage. I…”
Celestia and Luna appeared in the throne room, weapons at the ready. Without a word, they rushed to attack Sombra, beating the mindless King to the ground without much fanfare.
“Uh… do I need to do anything?” Insipid asked. “Like, I’m not sure wh-“
“You were the signal,” Celestia said, tying Sombra up in a sphere of golden magic. “You have done more than enough. Today, Sombra’s empire has fallen, all thanks to you.”
“Sweet!” She bounced up and down for a bit until her stomach rumbled. “Well, I haven’t been fed for a day. Know any good places to eat around here?”
Celestia smiled warmly. “I will conjure a feast for you myself once this is over, Insipid.”
“So, is that like, now, or in a few hours?”
Luna facehooved, unable to believe this was the hero of ponykind.
Author's Note
Heya! I'm Insipidious, and I write fics about other fics. It's actually a lot of fun!
The fic this time around is CRISIS: Equestria. Go check it out, it's GREAT! Especially if you want more Insipid.
Cha!
