EQUESTRIA GIRLS: Sunset's Not-Saga

by Soufriere

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Other, Comedy, Random, Equestria Girls, Anthology, Sunset Shimmer, Main 7 (EqG)
Length: 7913

Sunset Shimmer ends up in the strangest timeline yet.

Low-resolution cardboard cutouts of her friends speaking like computers. Shipping that stops before it can start. Random explosions. Nicolas Cage. Bakeries and Burgers. This is the world Sunset Shimmer finds herself in. She handles it surprisingly well.

Based on EQUESTRIA GIRLS by ZXInsanity, Blarghalt, and Jake Whyman

Published 2019-08-29 07:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-12 01:55:09 UTC

01 - Driver's License

Sunset Shimmer sat on the navy blue sofa in her apartment, upside down such that her long two-toned hair touched the off-white carpet, bored out of her mind. Her television kept flipping involuntarily every six seconds through each of the four over-the-air channels she received via her aerial. She had no desire to get up for fear she would bonk her head on her stolen cable spool of a coffee table again.

Eventually enough blood rushed to her head that her body took matters into its own hands and she rolled off onto the floor with a thud. After Sunset allowed herself some time for her brain to recalibrate, she stood up… and smacked her head against the coffee table, causing her to utter a loud curse in Classical Equestrian.

She sighed as she slowly made her way to the refrigerator to pour herself a glass of iced tea, taking care to avoid the giant eyeball hovering in the middle of the room. It followed her, unblinking, as she availed herself of liquid sustenance. She then took out a second glass, filled it with water from the tap, and poured it over the eyeball, which immediately spun around in place in some vain attempt to remove the liquid.

“Is that better, Jackson?” she asked it.

Jackson the giant eyeball, being a spherical entity with no known orifices of any kind, said nothing as its enormous blood vessels silently pulsed around its blue iris.

“Whatever,” Sunset shrugged as she gulped down the last of her tea and let out a burp. “I need to go talk to my neighbours and see if any of them have a spare internet. I didn’t pay my bills again and they cut me off.”

Jackson remained silent. Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked.

“Effing dog,” groused Sunset. “Always off in the distance. Anyway, Jackson, you do indeed have a point that, in the decade-plus I’ve been living in this apartment, I’ve never met any of my neighbours. May as well start now, right?”

No response as Sunset began to make her way to the door, stopping for a moment to turn off the television, then approached the coat-rack where her two leather jackets hung.

“Sasha, Rachel,” she addressed the jackets. “Which of you should I wear today? I guess Sasha because it’s warm out and you don’t have the inner liner. Maybe I should invest in a sleeveless jacket or one of those tarty half-jackets for warmer climes? But what would I name them if I did? That’s the hardest thing about this, honestly.”

She donned Sasha. As she stared at one of the sleeves, a thought popped into her mind.

“It’s been, what? Seven or eight months since I bought you and Rachel from that boutique. Life since then has been …uneventful at best. No further adventures, no Twilight, certainly no boys or girls declaring their undying love for me.” She scoffed. “Not like anyone would anyway. I just feel like I’m in a holding pattern, going through the motions. Like my life could have taken interesting turns but hasn’t, save for Jackson over there.”

As Sunset began to undo the multiple chains and deadbolts to open her door, the relative quiet was shattered by a purple Volvo sedan crashing through her window, into Jackson, who promptly collapsed into a puddle of rank, viscous black goo.

She approached the vehicle with a bored expression on her face, not even remotely curious how it ended up on the fifth floor of a downtown apartment building. Through the steam erupting from the engine, she saw the driver.

“Hello, Rarity,” said Sunset with absolutely zero affect.

As Rarity spoke, she appeared to be bouncing up and down within the driver’s seat, her lips unmoving and voice distinctly robotic.

“Hey, Sunset. Guess who just got her license,” stated the voice from Rarity’s being.

Sunset shrugged. “I assume that would be you,” she said while looking down at the putrid sublimating remains of Jackson the Giant Eyeball. “You know it’s going to take me forever to clean this up.”

Suddenly, Rarity was standing next to Sunset’s couch. Sunset had not seen her leave the car; she had simply teleported. As Sunset began to look Rarity over, she noticed her classmate had a rather stiff look.

“Also I wanted to tell you, that Brad and I broke up,” Rarity explained.

Sunset cocked her head in confusion. “Who’s Brad?”

At that point she could hear a man’s scream, quiet at first, but growing louder by the millisecond until its owner came crashing through the ceiling headfirst before landing on Sunset’s floor with an unceremonious splat. Sunset stared at her new skylight with mild irritation.

The man, wearing a suit, stood up, revealing himself to look like Nicolas Cage.

Sunset Shimmer blinked at the cardboard fellow who wore a nametag on his lapel reading simply, “BRAD”.

“Why are you here?” Sunset asked Brad.

“…Gimme that cake,” Brad replied.

Rarity approached Brad. “Didn’t I already tell you? It’s over between us. I found a new love of my life and I no longer need you because I got my license.”

“Dramatic,” snarked Sunset as she rolled her eyes.

Rarity instantaneously flipped around. “Sunset. I love you.”

Sunset’s eyes widened slightly at this revelation, but more at the cheesy love song music that had queued up in the background from out of nowhere.

“Yeah, I don’t think so,” Sunset declared with a sigh. “I’m afraid I don’t swing that way. Or any way, really. Besides, you seem like a literally flat girl right now. Shouldn’t you have some, you know, development? Motivation? Perhaps an entire character arc?”

Brad screamed as he was suddenly crushed by an enormous Pink Lady apple that had fallen through the same hole in the ceiling.

Sunset slowly surveyed the carnage that had been her apartment, asking herself aloud, “Did I eat jimson-weed or something? Nothing is making any sense.”

Just then there was a knock at her door. Before Sunset could answer it, the door flew inwards, straight into Rarity, knocking her into her car, which promptly exploded, leaving no trace of it or her, merely an enormous hole in her kitchen.

In the doorway stood Applejack, who simply stood there looking at her in a flat sort of way. She entered without Sunset saying a word and approached the giant fruit.

“Appul,” she said. Two seconds later both Applejack and the giant apple rocketed up into the stratosphere, creating an even larger hole in Sunset’s ceiling.

Sunset shrugged. “Torsdaag. I never could get used to Torsdaags.”

Author's Note

Welcome to the Third Branch.

02 - Cup Of Sugar

“I never did go and ask for that cup of sugar,” Sunset said aloud as she sat bolt upright on her couch.

She looked down at her magenta tanktop, at her not inconsiderable breasts, then over to Sasha hanging on the coat-rack.

“Yeah, best cover up the girls since I’m leaving,” she convinced herself.

As Sunset donned her leather jacket, she looked up to the hole in her ceiling and the grey sky above.

She made a mental note. “I need to fix that hole so the rain doesn’t get in and keep my mind from wandering.”

As she began her short walk down the dark hallway with its ancient carpet, she suddenly found herself face to face with Rarity again looking and sounding rather flat.

“Like Oh-me-jee Twilight how could you ask Brad to the mall you know I’ve had a crush on him since like forever how could you do such a thing?” Rarity sputtered.

Sunset lifted an eyebrow in moderate confusion. “What?” she asked. “I didn’t ask anyone to the mall. There is no mall within at least a mile of downtown. And, uh, I’m not Twilight. Our colours are literally opposite.”

She shook her head, turning to walk away only to find Twilight Sparkle standing right next to her. Sunset started for half a second as her purple friend, also looking extremely flat and blurry, said nothing.

For several more seconds, nothing happened.

“Twilight?” Rarity and Sunset asked in unison.

At that, Twilight slowly rippled out of existence, accompanied only by the sound of an old heating coil attempting to work and failing.

Sunset looked to the spot where Twilight had once stood, which did not have so much as a scorch mark, then to Rarity, then back to the spot, then to one of the dim ceiling lights near the ever-broken elevator, then back to Rarity. She was about to contemplate her own breasts for a moment when something crashed through the roof with near-deafening effect and landed on Rarity, the fallen bits of building kicking up a massive dust cloud. Sunset, out of necessity, turned away, closed her eyes, and coughed.

“What the hell was that?” she asked no one in particular as she blinked to activate her tear ducts to better deal with the dust.

In the space where Rarity had been was a pile of rubble, probably hazardous. In front of that rubble stood Fluttershy, looking just as two-dimensional as everyone else Sunset had seen that day.

“I see, said the blind man,” quipped Sunset.

When Fluttershy spoke, she had an oddly deep, masculine, posh voice.

“It is probably best for the integrity of my skeletal system that I not attempt to fly again,” she (he?) said.

“Fluttershy.” asked Sunset flatly.

“What is it, Sunset?”

Sunset looked at her wrist, which did not have a watch on it but she pretended.

“Don’t you have, like, volunteering or dance practice or something?”

Fluttershy attempted to look shocked, though her neutral smiling expression did not change.

“Oh. The dahnce? I completely forgot.”

Sunset shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m pretty sure at this point I’ve forgotten how to breathe.”

“I hope Applejack is doing alright on alone…” Fluttershy mused in her monotone.

At that, Sunset’s eyes went wide. “No-no. D-don’t mention…!”

Before she could finish her thought, a carriage-sized Pink Lady (and Jeff?) apple crashed through the ceiling in the exact same spot Fluttershy had entered, enlarging the hole and utterly flattening the pile of wood under which Rarity probably still lay. This time, the apple was hollow. From its cockpit came a familiar voice.

“Appul.”

03 - The Great One

Sunset Shimmer lay on her couch as her television droned out some daytime drivel ostensibly geared towards women, but she did not feel like it spoke to her. Granted this was how she felt about most things, but this show more so than most. She slowly stretched her right arm into the air to swat at imaginary elves. Across the room on the TV, the four older ladies around the table were talking about the relative merits of Orangeglow, the businessman who had announced his intention to run for Governor on a platform of punishing illegal immigrants.

This struck Sunset as odd, since she was the only illegal immigrant in Aristeque of whom she was aware. Still, not worth worrying about.

The building manager had finally popped in the day before, literally, with a contractor to fix the holes in the roof. How a single X of wood planks worked, she had no idea, but figured it was better not to question it. Better not to question any of the previous chapter’s events.

Wait. What did her brain mean by ‘chapter’?

Don’t. Think. About. It.

She sighed as she absentmindedly regarded her body. With her right hand, she cupped one of her breasts, still hidden underneath her shirt, and played with it for about seventeen seconds.

“Boing, de-boing, de-boing, de-boing,” Sunset chanted aloud to no one.

That bit of fun over with, she decided she needed some food, as the contents of her refrigerator had been reduced to a single tube of wasabi paste and a box of baking soda.

Her bare feet made ‘frrit’ sounds as they rhythmically separated themselves from the linoleum in her kitchen as she walked across, mildly miffed. Despite her best efforts, she was unable to remove all of the sticky left behind after Jackson met his untimely demise. But, wearing socks would have been worse.

She slipped on some white socks, then her boots which rose far higher up her legs, donned Sasha (her leather jacket without an inner liner), and left her apartment.

Sunset immediately found herself in Connemara Square Park, several blocks northeast of her home. She had no idea how she got there and frankly didn’t care. There were many people around, very flat people speaking in robotic voices about nothing in particular.

Finding a bench, Sunset decided she would sit down and people-watch. However, before she could do that, she was approached by a girl she knew all too well and wasn’t exactly pleased to see. A blue-skinned girl with silvery-bluish hair and a blue skirt. She also looked oddly flat.

“Hello, Trixie,” Sunset said with absolutely zero enthusiasm.

Trixie did not miss a beat. “I’m going to stand here for five hours and explain to you in excruciating detail how superior I am to you in every single aspect,” she said in a robotic affect.

Sunset stared at Trixie and blinked. “This feels almost seven years out of date. Was I really that much of a prick when I tutored you in junior high? Whatever. Your words are as empty as your future.”

“Explain yourself,” Trixie retorted.

Sunset did so. “I’m bored, girlie. This conversation is over.”

Just then, a bald eagle swooped in. However, before it could sink its talons into Trixie’s head, a voice deeper than the Mariana Trench came out of the core of its being and the world around them distorted into a scorched mess. “There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own, you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension,” it said as it slowly hovered above Trixie.

“You’re a damn eagle,” Sunset and Trixie said in unison.

The eagle was not finished. “I am… APPUL.”

At that, the eagle instantly transformed into the giant red apple Sunset had encountered in her apartment in the previous chapter. All Sunset Shimmer could do was watch as gravity took over and the apple crushed Trixie under its own weight.

“Well, that was pointless,” Sunset remarked to no one in particular.

“My thoughts exactly,” replied Twilight Sparkle, who had appeared out of nowhere, and seemed just as flat and robotic as everyone else.

Sunset looked over to her in mild surprise. “How did you…?”

“We must summon The Great One,” Twilight interrupted.

“The who the what now?” asked Sunset.

Twilight pulled out a flute and fluted out a dozen or so quick notes, then disappeared. All of a sudden the heavens parted and a celestial orchestra began playing “Also Sprach Zarathustra”. Sunset stared in mild confusion and, though she would never admit it, a little bit of awe until the giant floating head of Shaquille O’Neal appeared, smiling down on the world.

“The Great One…” Sunset said more to herself than anyone.

Somewhere off in the distance, Lyra Heartstrings barked.

The giant apple turned its best side to face The Great One and, after a few moments of consideration, decided to nope its way out of the park, revealing a crushed Trixie on the ground in its wake.

“Hey Trixie?” Sunset asked her former pupil. “You alright?”

A sound like air slowly escaping a balloon filled the area as Trixie flew up out of the hole, circling around Sunset two or three times as her crushed form slowly uncrumpled, then promptly smashed into a nearby tree.

“Yeah, you’ll be fine,” Sunset said as she flagged down a bus to get her back home.

04 - Xmas Eve

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the flat
Not a creature was stirring, not even a rat
No stockings were hung. No chimney, you see
No mantle, no fireplace, just coat-rack and TV

Wrapped in a fleece blanket, all snug on my couch
My mind numbed by reruns of Oscar The Grouch
Albert’s been watered and I have a nightcap
Who cares if it’s still daytime? I feel like crap!

Then, up on the roof there arose such a clatter
I cursed like a baker who spilled his cake batter
Over to my window I trudged like a schmuck
Try to look upwards? You’re shoot outta luck

So, why did I bother? I guess I was bored
My usual state now with naught to look toward
Even a strange noise may spice up my life
Well, better than slicing my wrist with a knife

Seriously. It hurts.
I don’t recommend it unless you’re a glutton for pain which, admittedly, sometimes I am.
Where was I? Oh. Right.

The sun glinting off of the new-fallen snow
Still managed to half-blind me from five floors below
Once I regained my sight, I went out to the hall
To the door to the roof, up the stairs. Just don’t fall

Emerging outside, I immediately tensed
It’s extremely damn cold… and I’m extremely damn dense!
Why in the hell did I not wear my jacket?
Guess I was distracted by all of the racket

The bitter wind picked up as everything darkened
At the wrong time of day. What had been hearkened?
Like a total eclipse come to block out the sun
And cast shadow over all, appeared The Great One

While I’d seen him before, in the last chapter I think
To be so close this time made my cheeks flush some pink
Or was that the chilly breeze still swirling ‘round?
No matter. I could not make even one sound

Won’t lie; I regarded The Great One with awe
For his mere presence caused my cold heart to thaw
I wished that poor Jackson could see this sight too
Alas, he’s gone but for some remnants of goo

I asked of The Great One, “Shaq, why have you come?
“Do you want to return me to where I hail from?
“This world makes no sense; it’s flat and robotic
“Like some jimsonweed snorting writer who’s despotic”

He said not a word; merely hovered and smiled
His smooth dark-skinned visage could not be defiled
Tilting down slightly, his mouth opened wide
With a “BAWMP!”, he released that which he held inside

Four girls. One flat kid. But the other three
Had literal depth and awareness, like me
The flat girl stood up first but chose not to stay
She said only “BURGER” then floated away

The other three seemed as confused as I was
Their leader had orange hair, poofy like fuzz
The purple one looked like she wanted to fight
The blue one saw me, blanched, and tried to take flight

I tried to approach but was met by a hand
The understood everywhere ‘back off’ command
“Not now,” said the orange girl as they all stood
“Whatever just happened to us was not good.”

“Dagi,” said the purple one, “It was the worst”
“More humiliating than when our pendants burst”
“That was pretty bad,” the blue-skinned one agreed
“But I think we’re better off now, yes indeed.”

“Shut up, Sonata!” they snapped, making her cower
“We’re poor, worthless, stripped of our magic and power.”
“But Sunset is here,” said Sonata, voice bright
“Just marry her then!” they retorted in spite

Now I was confused. Did I know these three?
More pressing was how in the hell they knew me
I’m sure that I’ve never once seen them before
But clearly two wanted to settle a score

“I’m sorry,” I said, “But there’s been a mistake
“I’ve never met any of you.” “That takes the cake,”
‘Dagi snipped. “Are you serious?” she then demanded
I nodded; she groaned as she said, “Now we’re stranded”

“It’s not quite so bad, Dagi” Sonata said
“I say screw that and screw you! I’d rather be dead”
Said the purple one. “Aria, that’s really bleak,”
Said Sonata, but they just replied, “You’re a freak!”

It was then that The Great One decided to fade
With the loss of him we also lost all our shade
It was far too bright with snow and afternoon sun
The three girls shot through the door like a gun

But I heard them exclaim ‘ere they bolted from sight,
“Screw this world. Screw Sunset. Screw Discord. Screw light!”

Discord? Who is that? I wondered aloud
“They mean me,” said a voice coming out of a cloud
The cloud spoke?! Okay, yeah, nope. That’s too much. I’m done.

END.

Author's Note

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL ! :raritywink:

05 - A Visit From Brad

Sunset Shimmer sat silently on her sofa surveying sparse surroundings when suddenly there was a knock on her door.

Well now who could that be? she thought. “Who is it?” She called out in a friendly tone.

No answer.

“Who iiis iiit?” she called out again in a sarcastic sing-song tone.

Still no answer.

“WHO IS IT!” Snapped Sunset, her patience gone.

They’re not saying anything.

Sunset had not been expecting an unexpected visitor, which makes perfect sense. How could any visitor be unexpected if she was expecting them? Anyway, she debated internally with herself about whether or not to get up. She would have communed with her pet succulent Albert, but he was in the bathroom underneath a tiny fluorescent light. Her guitar, Mayfair, was in her bedroom and was only useful for helping her strum out mournful tunes.

Slowly, deliberately, irritably, she stood up and trumped over to the door and, just as she suspected …No it was not some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-O-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril, but rather her ex-boyfriend Flash Sentry, seeming a tad more two-dimensional than usual.

Sunset grumped, “Flash. Why are you here? I thought we worked through all our issues. Or maybe we didn’t. I’m honestly not sure what timeline I’m in. Too many trips to the Burrito Barn has warped my mind. I blame the chipotle sour cream but it’s too damn good to not splash liberally.”

“The King Of Town has summoned you to his royal chamber,” Flash said in a robotic voice as he moved up and down like a puppet.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you’re not only referencing the wrong universe, you’re in the entirely wrong series. Do you want us to get sued?”

For a grand total of four seconds, Flash farted. Sunset’s orange skin briefly went green as she grimaced.

“That was both unexpected and gross,” she said. “Is this just gonna be one of those days?”

Flash’s expression, just like the rest of him, remained unchanged as he said, “Cool tapes.”

“Uh-huh,” replied Sunset, by now totally uninterested. “You like cool tapes? What is the definition of ‘cool’ to you in this day and age? You may drive a nice car that your father seized from some pot dealer (who knew illicit terracotta was a thing in this city?) but your taste in music and adhesives has always been pretty lame. I taught you how to play guitar, remember?”

Before Flash could say anything in response, some thing crashed through the roof above the hallway and landed on top him, which would have flattened him had he not already been literally flat. Once the dust cleared, Sunset saw the unmistakeable form of Nicolas “Brad” Cage.

“Brad?” Sunset asked, marginally surprised but more irritated, “Why are you here?”

“BEES!!!” screamed Brad though nothing of his person moved even a millimetre save for a slight bounce up.

Sunset flinched. Despite knowing full well the vital role bees play in the health of the an ecosystem, she was not a fan of them. But there were no bees, nor were there any mosquitoes, wasps, hornets, or horseflies.

She glared at Brad. Brad existed at her. Minutes passed. Somewhere off in the distance, a dog barked. Sunset rolled her eyes and sighed.

“This is stupid,” she groused. “I knew I shouldn’t have opened the door today. With each passing day my life seems ever more insane. I wish someone could tell me why almost everyone I see looks, sounds, and feels so two-dimensional. Is this real life? Or is this a fantasy playing out in my mind.”

Just then, Applejack appeared behind Sunset, who whirled around in surprise once she felt the presence of her friend.

Applejack’s answer to Sunset’s musing may have been profound, though sussing it out requires the mind of someone far beyond Sunset’s own genius. Perhaps a fool would better understand:

“Appul,” AJ concluded.

Sunset’s shoulders drooped as she shut her eyes and face-palmed in mild frustration. “Of course.”

Advice of a sort given, Applejack promptly levitated a foot in the air, the soles of her ever-present boots apparently containing rockets. Then she rotated 90º forward such that her head (with hat) pointed directly towards Sunset’s open front door. As the rockets in AJ’s boots began to rev up for another burst, Sunset calmly walked to her couch and sat down, leaving a clear path to the open door. Applejack blasted off directly into Brad, whereupon both exploded in a massive fireball that somehow managed to leave no damage save for a few scorch marks.

Shaking her head, Sunset stood up, walked to her door, quietly shut it, and engaged every single lock on it, plus moved her coat-rack in front of it.

“Yep. One of those days,” she said wearily.

06 - Rainbow Rocks

Sunset Shimmer strolled in late through the front door of the city-run high school in which she pretended to be enrolled, although she had been a genuine student many years earlier under a different identity and, as she would put it, in a previous life: her third of five. Thanks to events from the previous weeks, she knew any random thing could happen to her, but the one thing she did not anticipate was Twilight Sparkle standing in the main foyer looking extremely two-dimensional as their mutual friend Rarity (also flat) berated her without moving her lips.

“Like oh-em-gee Twilight how could you ask Brad out to the dance you know I’ve had a crush on him since forever why would you do such a thing,” stated Rarity robotically without even a hint of taking a breath. Had Rarity been less like an automaton, Sunset would have been impressed by her lung capacity.

Twilight said nothing, merely standing there smiling in an unmoving sort of way. Indeed, no matter which vantage point from which Sunset stared at Twilight, neither Twilight’s nor Rarity’s profiles seemed to change. She felt like she was in one of those old computer games that existed when she first came to the humanoid world, the ones where the game was technically 3D but every in-game character and item was a simple sprite with no depth.

She decided it was safest to keep her distance.

Just as well, because just then a massive crash rang out as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy fell through the roof thirty feet above, landing directly onto Rarity with a sickening crunch, although they quickly hopped up flatly as if nothing had happened.

Rainbow Dash spoke first. “I think it would be best for both of our skeletal systems if we do not try to fly again.”

Twilight approached them and interrupted whatever conversation might have happened. “Girls. I have terrible news.”

“What is it, Twilight?” Asked Fluttershy, her voice deep, dapper, and masculine.

Before Twilight could answer, Rainbow Dash spoke again. “Sorry, Rarity, that our flight practice broke your spine.”

“It’s okay. Really,” insisted the crumpled heap that had once been Rarity.

Twilight continued. “Pinkie Pie has been kidnapped by our rival in the Battle of the Bands.”

The news was immediately thereafter punctuated by an invisible brass band playing “Dun-dun-DUNNNN!!”

All four of the girls, including Rarity somehow, ran off to the stage that took up much of the east wing of the school building, leaving Sunset alone and mildly confused.

“This all seems vaguely familiar, yet not” she said to no one in particular as she scratched her chin.

Standing nearby, Sunset saw Trixie staring at her.

“What do you want, Trixie?” Sunset asked, clearly weary and a bit iffy in her bearings considering she had seen the girl literally pop like a balloon just a couple weeks earlier.

“Trixie wants to prove that she is better than you by forcing you to make sweet sweet love to Trixie and telling Trixie how great Trixie is,” said Trixie without a hint of shame or… any emotion really.

Sunset scoffed and shrugged. “That’s your character no matter what, isn’t it? My understanding is that the Pony Trixie at least has depth. Your sole motivation is some perverse desire for me you’ve had since you were in junior high. It was cute at first but now that you’re older, you seriously need to get a life. One not connected to me. I simply don’t swing that way. Period. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I need to figure out what’s happening over in the auditorium.”

In the auditorium, a five-piece band had set up to practice. The writing on the kick-drum informed anyone who cared that they were the Rainbow Rocks. And indeed they were. Literal rocks slightly over eight cubic feet in volume. Their chemical composition notwithstanding, each member bore a different major hue of the visible light spectrum. The rocks also wore sunglasses just to further prove their legitimacy at being hip.

Sunset, herself an accomplished guitarist and singer, though one who preferred not to show off her talents unless necessary, gave a quick whistle to show she was impressed with the rocks’ rocking.

From a rafter up-top hung Pinkie Pie, suspended by her ankles and counterweighted by the biggest layer cake anyone had ever seen. Since her arms were also unmoving, it was just out of her reach. Were she capable of making any expression, instead of being just as 2D as everyone else, she probably would have looked despondent.

“Oh come on,” Pinkie told the rocks. “That’s just cruel.”

Just then, Twilight and the other three appeared at the side door.

“Tom! Rocky!” chided Twilight. “Stop playing those bodacious riffs and let our friend go!”

“Ah. Equestria Girls,” Tom, or maybe it was Rocky, replied, “About time you came. Did you get Skittles mixed in your hair dye again?”

Rainbow Dash stared at the quintet with uncharacteristically dilated pupils, trying in vain to hold back a tear or several. “Why must you fill me with sadness?” she asked, the emotion on her face not at all making its way to her voice.

Out in the seats, near the audience entrance to the auditorium, Sunset sat near Brad, whose suit-coat and hair were covered in Skittles. She looked over to him. “That was a pretty low blow even by rock standards,” she told him.

Brad said nothing, but he did cough, a butterfly shooting out of his mouth and fluttering away. Nearby, Ditzy-Doo, the school’s resident eccentric known for her misaligned eyes and unconventional taste in clothing, practiced playing her musical saw.

Back on stage, the twisted lump of broken flesh that had once been Rarity spoke up. “Enough of this. I say we get our instruments and out-rock them.”

If Tom the grey rock had had a mouth, he would have smirked. “That will be difficult, for you see, we took care of your instruments in a controlled explosion. Plus your ally Vinyl Scratch is on vacation in the Australis Alps.”

In the Australis Alps, near the impassible southern border of the known world, Vinyl Scratch, dressed in lederhosen and a forest hat whilst still sporting her trademark rose-coloured glasses, held up her index finger to a local alphorn player and yodeller. After counting them off, they made beautiful if unusual music, which Vinyl dutifully recorded. Once they had finished their duet, Vinyl smiled broadly and shook their hands, then pointed to her digital recording device, giving them a thumbs-up. Then she bowed. They thanked her and left the hilltop to return to their flock of sheep.

Through it all, Vinyl never said a word. Perhaps she couldn’t. But, that is not a plot point worth exploring here.

Her work for the day accomplished, she scratched her head in confusion, a gnawing sensation that she was forgetting something important. She then shrugged as if to say, Oh well; I’ll remember it later.

Back at CHS, the situation had only become more tense.

“Twilight, you have an idea, right?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight Sparkle, however, sported the classic deer-in-the-headlights expression. “I… I… I don’t know what to do!”

Just then, the PA system began blasting club music and Applejack, dressed in a Dayglo version of her usual outfit plus the darkest possible sunglasses, appeared on stage and promptly started slam-dancing in front of the rocks. She said nothing, but her styling was so fabulous it caused the auditorium to shake.

Up in the rafters, Pinkie Pie inadvertently swayed with the building, occasionally colliding with the cake counterweighting her. Somehow it did not splatter; instead it bounced off her as if it was made from rock, which would not have been a surprise given its origin.

“Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow,” Pinkie repeated robotically as she and the abnormally hard cake made contact.

Sunset watched the entire proceeding from the audience. “Wow. I didn’t know she could even do that.”

Several feet below on the stage, a metaphorical switch had flipped and Applejack was suddenly dressed as an angel complete with felt white wings. Unbidden, she belted out a few impossibly high operatic soprano notes.

The five Rainbow Rocks sat there like rocks, dumbfounded.

“You know what?” Tom declared. “We can’t compete with that.”

Instantly, the rocks flew out through a nearby window, shattering it. Yes, they somehow managed to take their instruments with them. Waiting nearby was a levitating rainbow platform made out of chert or limestone or something.

Before the platform could take off, however, Applejack declared with absolute conviction (but a standard computer-like lack of emotion), “Appul,” and launched herself at the platform head-first. It took all of two seconds for her to reach it, whereupon everything exploded.

As pebbles rained down on the courtyard outside the school, Rainbow Dash unexpectedly had a thought. “How come AJ keeps dying in these stories.”

“I have no idea!!” answered the charred remains of Applejack’s stetson hat as it fluttered to the ground.

Sunset Shimmer folded her arms. “This is the strangest Battle of the Bands I’ve ever seen,” she said.

“Yeah, it really wasn’t supposed to go like this,” Sonata told her.

Sunset jumped at the sight of three-dimensional humanoids sitting next to her. “Where did you come from? How long have you three been there?”

“For a while,” replied Aria, sitting two seats to Sunset’s right, clearly not pleased to be there.

To Aria’s right, Adagio let out a pissed off sigh. “I’m pretty sure this story was supposed to be about us, not some damn rocks. At least that’s what Sonata says. But I really don’t know or care anymore.”

“Ever since she started working at the burrito place, I think she’s gone even more insane and/or stupid than she was before,” said Aria.

Sonata turned to them, obviously irritated. “I can’t explain it yet, but I’ve learned that I don’t have to take that kind of abuse anymore. Anyway, you’re all right; nothing about this is right. I don’t understand this any more than you do. I just wanted to make sure Sunset was okay.”

“Christ, why don’t you two get a room then,” Aria snarked.

Sunset glared at her. “I don’t pretend to understand either, but could you all please get out of my face for now? I need to pour bleach into into all my orifices, or maybe give myself a good dose of home-brew electro-convulsive therapy to try and forget all of this. Goodbye,” she concluded, standing up.

Sunset left the auditorium, the school building, and the story, with Sonata looking on in concern, a barely audible “Sunset…” emitting from her mouth as she reached her hand out towards nothing.

Up in the sky, The Great One smiled His serene smile down upon all.

07 - The Montage

“So, you’re telling me something is seriously wrong with the world?” Sunset asked her new friend as they walked down the well-worn stone path.

“Yes,” replied Sonata, her blue ponytail swaying in the slight breeze. “Nothing about this timeline is right. You shouldn’t be here. I definitely shouldn’t be here. It’s, like, the worst. Worse than that time I added dried ghost pepper to the regular salsa.”

Sunset tried but failed to suppress a snicker. “I bet that was quite the adventure for those poor suckers. Good thing I didn’t go to the Barn that day then.”

“Miz Big Beulah tried to beat me with a leather belt but Mister Hot-Plate stopped her.,” Sonata said with some degree of guilt as the two reached the outskirts of a quaint village made up mostly of thatched roof cottages.

For the moment, no Trogdor appeared.

They both looked at it in confusion since, just five minutes earlier, they had been in the heart of a medium-sized city.

“What in the world?” Sunset asked no one in particular.

“See?” Sonata responded. “Something is seriously wrong here. Where’s your apartment building? Where’s the school? Where’s the plot?”

Sunset scratched her chin for a moment before speaking. “This looks like Ponyville. I’ve never been there myself, but it perfectly fits the descriptions I’ve been given.”

Sonata shrugged as they walked down the road into Ponyville. Along the way, they saw various humanoids standing around looking extremely flat despite the depth of the setting. Eventually they reached a large house-like structure with trim and roof decked out in fake sweets. Next to the front door hung a shingle depicting a cupcake.

“You hungry?” Sunset asked.

Sonata shook her head no.

“Eh,” said Sunset with a shrug. “Let’s go in anyway.”

Once they did, they discovered Pinkie Pie in the middle of the lobby area looking very flat. Nearer the counter, a baby alligator stared into the unknown. Pinkie ignored Sunset and Sonata, preferring to address her pet instead.

“Hey. Gummy. How’s it hangin’?” she asked in an extremely robotic voice.

In response, Gummy began to glow with a bright aura that quickly enveloped him, complete with a sound not unlike a jet plane passing overhead. Once it dissipated, Gummy sported a full head of golden spiky hair. While Sunset and Sonata looked at each other in shock, Pinkie seemed decidedly nonplussed.

“No more chocolate cake for you, Mister,” she said without a hint of emotion.

“We should leave,” said Sonata. Sunset nodded in agreement.

The two girls opened the door to leave, whereupon Sonata spied with her little eye her workplace/home, the Burrito Barn, a dozen or so yards away. She let out a happy gasp and a barely perceptible squee. However, before they could leave, a girl entered, shoving them aside. Her two-dimensional existence was like a moving wall. She had rainbow-coloured hair and pale blue skin. She also wore a hockey mask. Sonata and Sunset knew exactly who the girl was. So did Pinkie.

“Rainbow Dash,” Pinkie said. “What brings you to my sugary home?”

At that, Rainbow Dash reached down below the frame and reemerged with a nail-bat. When she spoke, her voice was uncharacteristically feminine and not-gravelly.

“The Holy Void,” replied Rainbow Dash simply before charging Pinkie and promptly beating the ever-loving crap out of her.

After a few moments just staring at the spectacle with their mouths agape, Sonata spoke first. “We should do something.”

“Should we do something?,” Sunset asked, clearly unwilling to step in.

“We should do something!” reiterated Sonata.

“Yeah no, I’m not gonna rehash a Watchers Fourth Wall joke here,” Sunset said, bored. “Let’s just see what happens.”

As Sunset and Sonata proceeded to do exactly that, a very flat Twilight Sparkle heard the nearby carnage and jumped ever so slightly.

“Oh no?” Twilight exclaimed in the form of a question. “Pinkie Pie is in trouble.”

Sonata turned to Sunset. “Isn’t that kind of an understatement?”

Sunset shrugged her shoulders.

“Spike…” Twilight said as she turned to her assistant, who was not a dog but rather a grumpy-looking young dragon with Pegasus wings and a Unicorn’s horn, “I’m going to go and get Princess Celestia.”

“Princess? This ought to be interesting,” said Sunset with a scoff.

As Twilight exited the scene, heroic music blared from out of nowhere as she made her way through a montage designed to make her appear as if she had embarked upon a long, harrowing journey from Ponyville to Appleloosa to the Crystal Empire to the El Capitan mountain back to Ponyville and then to Canterlot’s Royal Mile when in fact every single set-piece had been placed nearby and she only travelled about two hundred yards, if that. Sunset and Sonata watched the spectacle from a safe distance.

“I can’t tell if Twilight knows she’s walking through a bad montage, or if we’re just supposed to accept what we’re seeing,” said Sonata, thoroughly confused.

“I don’t care,” Sunset replied. “I’m more concerned about the music. Way too good for her. Also the real Ponyville is nearly a day’s train ride from Canterlot Terminal. Oh. Looks like she reached the Palace in just a few seconds. Gotta love a montage.”

Sonata suddenly bore a look of concern. “You haven’t seen the Princess in years, right?”

“Right,” Sunset agreed. “But I get the distinct feeling I won’t be seeing Her today if your theory is even close to being true.”

In the Canterlot Palace Throne Room with its gold-trimmed long red carpet stood a woman who was very obviously a humanoid Princess Celestia, bedecked in a pink business suit and her hair done up in a bun. She resembled neither the regal horse from Sunset’s distant memories nor the extremely normal principal from Sunset’s more recent memories. This Celesita stood flatly, facing away from the entrance as Twilight slowly approached, sliding on her side across the carpet.

“What is she—?” Sonata began to ask before Sunset extended a finger to shut her up.

“Princess Celestia,” said Twilight with all the emotion of a turnip, “Pinkie Pie is in terrible peril. You have to help me save her.”

Celestia said nothing, though Sunset was not at all surprised by the eventual response.

From this timeline’s princess came forth a loud, sustained, genuinely impressive fart.

08 - Interlude

As day made its inevitable shift into evening, Sunset Shimmer and Sonata Duck, still stuck in an insane clip-art version of Ponyville, conferred amongst themselves.

“We should probably find a place to stay for the night,” said Sonata, yawning.

Sunset nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I’m starting to get tired too. This day seems to have gone on for months. How long have we been here anyway?”

Long enough for me to completely forget that I wasn’t even close to wrapping up this storyline and for several people I know to die, replied the writer, making only his second appearance in the history of Sunset’s multiverse.

Sonata jerked her head towards a nearby dark alleyway. Unnaturally dark. Her long blue ponytail taking a few seconds to catch up with her due to physics.

“You look cute in that ponytail,” Sunset told her. “Ponytails are cute in general, so why do I always wear my hair down?”

Not really up to me, the writer said. It’s y’all’s basic designs, and I’m lazy. So lazy in fact that I’m attacking this chapter in one go, almost literally pulling it out of my ass as I write.

“That’s simultaneously impressive and stupid,” said Sunset.

It’s also a lie. Turns out I was way too tired to keep my promise. So… fits and starts as per usual it is.

Sunset scoffed. “You’ll never change. At this point you’re not even worth killing.”

“Sunset,” said Sonata with a clear twinge of fear in her voice. “Are you not at all concerned about the disembodied voice coming from that alley? Or the cold green eyes glinting in what little light penetrates?”

“Eh, it’s just the writer,” Sunset replied, flippant, before turning to him and saying, “Didn’t I kill you?”

Well, yes. But that was a different timeline. I’m marginally impressed you two were able to drag me into this one, said the writer with at least some surprise.

“That’s because this timeline makes no sense,” Sonata said bluntly. “Like I told Sunset before, and I know you know since you’re, like, the writer or something. Wait. Is that like a god?”

In the sense that I created this multiverse and have a large amount of input in how things go, I guess you could call me one, the writer explained. And as for Sunset killing me, well, I got better.

“So… Why am I here?” Asked Sonata. “If you control this world, you know I’m not supposed to be here. I’m working at the Burrito Barn. Or at least I should be.”

Don’t worry about it. The Barn is closed for now due to a pandemic. In Equestria it’s Blue-Flu but in a marginally more realistic world like Canterville, it’s a virus called SEARS – Southeast Area Respiratory Syndrome. It’s basically influenza on steroids. Due to its high level of transmissibility, all restaurants and shops downtown are closed. Frankly you two are lucky to have been spirited away before it happened.

“You’re telling and not showing,” Sunset snapped, irritated. “I thought you knew better than that.”

Do you REALLY want me to spend multiple paragraphs going into detail about something that honestly has zero relevance to the plot at hand and probably won’t even exist when I shift focus back to the primary timeline? In this case, the infodump is more than sufficient. Anyway, you both look tired and have said as much. Why don’t y’all go crash at Twilight’s place?

“And where, mister writer, is that?” Sonata asked, curious but also upset that the writer had failed to address the question about her presence in the story.

You’re here because Sunset needed a friend to bounce conversation off of; she can’t be the only sane girl in this world. Also, the response from readers to my giving you a character arc was very positive. And you’re fun to write. All three Sirens are fun to write, but you’re the one who works best with Sunset, so, welcome to the crazy. As to the Twilight question, you both know her. Take a wild guess.

“It’s that giant oak tree that has a ‘Library’ sign in front, isn’t it?” Sunset asked flatly.

The writer did not respond.

Sonata shrugged. “Well, let’s go and see if Twilight has a spare room. I mean, I don’t see how things can get much worse.”

Nearby, Brad flailed violently, growling like the Tasmanian Devil. His suit had been ripped off to reveal a Predator body and dead blue eyes.

“Quiet, you,” said Sunset.

Author's Note

I had to put something out but needed to go back to the source to recall exact EQG-PS scenes & dialogue for the rest of this trainwreck of a chapter. So, interlude with the writer. Fits well enough in this timeline. Enjoy, I guess?