Chapters The Prodigal Nutcase Returns
It was a beautiful spring morning in Ponyville, the sort of morning that forced Twilight Sparkle to suppress the urge to break into an uplifting musical number involving the rest of the town. “We’ve already had two Pinkie Pie songs and a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ ensemble piece this week, so I think everypony could probably use a break from singing anyway.” Twilight mused.
“What was that?” Spike asked as he followed behind.
“Nothing important, I was just thinking about what a nice day it is,” Twilight said as she enjoyed the familiar sights of Ponyville. Applejack was running her family’s applecart and hawking their latest harvest. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were racing down the street celebrating their latest success. An orangutan was pedaling a tricycle and handing out flyers to passerby. A group of students from her School of Friendship were chatting at the local café.
It was a testament to the lives that Twilight and Spike had led since coming to Ponyville that it took a full ten seconds before either realized that there was something out of the ordinary about one of those scenes. “Is that an orangutan?” Spike asked as he watched the ape hand out a pair of flyers to Lyra and Bon Bon.
“I…think so. What in Equestria is it doing in Ponyville, though?” Admittedly, this was far from the strangest sight Twilight had encountered since moving to Ponyville (and it was debatable if it would even broach the top ten for this week), but it was still a baffling situation. “It doesn’t really look like it’s one of Fluttershy’s animal friends, and it seems a little low-key for a circus promotion.
“Well, wherever it came from it looks like its headed for Sugar Cube Corner,” Spike said as he watched the orangutan park its tricycle next to the bakery before waddling inside. Seeing the orangutan enter the building Twilight picked up her pace, entering the bakery just in time to see the ape reach the bakery counter, currently being manned by Pinkie Pie.
“Welcome to Sugar Cube Corner, how can I – Igor, is that you?” Pinkie Pie asked with an excited gasp as she laid eyes on her new customer. “I haven’t seen you in forever. Wait, if you’re here, does that mean that…?”
“Ook,” Igor grunted as he nodded his head, resulting in a high-pitched squeal of delight from Pinkie.
“That’s great news, I have to tell everypony, and I mean everypony! Oh, this is so exciting!” Pinkie Pie yelled as she quickly worked herself into a giddy frenzy. Before Pinkie could go flying out the door, however, Igor rapped a knuckle on the countertop to get her attention.
“Ook.”
“Oh, right, sorry, your order. So that will be a dozen banana nut muffins for you and a chocolate chip chocolate cream crumb cake for the professor,” Pinkie Pie said as she recited an order from apparent memory.
“Ook,” Igor replied with a friendly nod as he turned to leave Pinkie Pie to her excitement. As Igor waddled past Twilight he briefly paused and handed her one of his flyers before heading out the door.
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie cried out as she noticed Twilight and Spike standing near the entrance. “Can you believe it? The professor’s finally coming back to Ponyville! Isn’t that terrific?”
“The who’s coming back to Ponyville?” Twilight aske das she glanced down at the flyer she had been given. The flyer, as it turned out, was an advertisement proclaiming the grand opening of ‘Professor Boffinspark’s Party Supply and SCIENCE Emporium’. “Who in the hoof is Professor Boffinspark? And why does that name sound so familiar?”
“Did you just say Professor Boffinspark?” Turning around, Twilight found herself facing Rainbow Dash, who had a look of abject horror on her face.
“She sure did! Igor was just in here placing an order,” Pinkie Pie gleefully confirmed.
“Oh no. No no no no no, I thought that nutcase was supposed to be gone for good. I gotta go warn everypony!” Without any further explanation, Rainbow Dash bolted out of the bakery at top speed.
“Okay, now I’m even more confused than before,” Twilight said as she watched Rainbow Dash disappear down the street, before turning to see that Pinkie Pie had already vanished back into Sugar Cube Corner’s kitchens. “Who in the hay is Professor Boffinspark?”
*********
“That’s kind of a long story, sugar cube,” Applejack said as she, Fluttershy and Rarity sat around the Cutie Map along with Twilight and Spike. “The short answer is that Boffinspark’s some sort of scientist or somethin’ that used to live ‘round her in Ponyville. Matter of fact, he used to live up in the Pear farm by Sweet Apple Acres. If Ah remember correctly, he up and left about a year before y’all first came to town, and Ah guess nopony ever thought to mention him to y’all.”
“At least it will be nice to see Igor again, he was always such a nice orangutan,” Fluttershy added.
“Igor was never the problem, darling,” Rarity pointedly countered. “I for one am not looking forward to having to put up with the antics of that stallion again, especially now that we’ve established the School of Friendship. Can you imagine what will happen if some of our students from outside Equestria get swept up in one of Boffinspark’s ‘experiments’?”
“Now hold on just a second, maybe it won’t be as bad as all that. Ah mean, it’s been years since any of us have even heard from the professor, maybe he’s mellowed out some? Heck, look how much Discord’s changed since we first met, and the professor was never that bad to start with.”
“That’s debatable,” Rarity muttered under her breath.
“Could somepony please explain to me what exactly is the matter with this Boffinspark pony? Must scientists don’t normally get ponies this upset,”
“Well, as y’all might’ve guessed the professor ain’t exactly like most scientists. The main issue is that his experimentin’ always seems to find some way to get a mite out of hoof,” Applejack said uneasily.
“How ‘out of hoof’ are we talking about here?” Twilight asked pointedly.
“Well, there was the time he nearly set half the town on fire with some mechanized monstrosity while trying to speed up Winter Wrap Up,” Rarity offered.
“And the time he accidently set a horde of giant, flying, fire-breathing bunnies loose during the Summer Sun Celebration,” Fluttershy added.
“Not to mention the Nightmare Night pumpkin incident,” Rarity shuddered. “To this day I can’t look at pumpkin soup the same way.”
“It ain’t that he means anypony any harm, mind y’all. It’s just that Boffinspark’s never been the type to think anythin’ through properly and even when he does, he can be a bit reckless,” Applejack said almost apologetically. “He really ain’t so bad once y’all get to know him.”
“Pinkie Pie did seem to be really happy that he was coming back to Ponyville,” Twilight said. “Maybe I should meet this Professor Boffinspark and see what he’s like for myself.”
“Ah’d be willin’ to introduce y’all if y’d like,” Applejack offered. “If the professor really has set up shop back at the Pear farm then it won’t be hard to find him, especially if he starts up with his experimentin’ again. And to be honest, it’d probably be best if Ah checked in with him mahself to see what he’s up to.”
“And then warn the rest of the town, if necessary,” Rarity added darkly.
*********
“You know, I couldn’t help but notice that you and Pinkie Pie seem to be two of the only ponies that actually seem to like this Boffinspark pony,” Twilight said as she and Applejack made their way to the Pear orchard.
“Well, Pinkie Pie likes pretty much everypony and on a good day Boffinspark has a fair bit in common with her. In mah case things are a bit more complicated, though,” Applejack replied.
“A bit?” Twilight asked.
“Alright, a whole heap more. The long and short of it is that Boffinspark’s supposedly a relative of mine…a distant relative. And before y’all ask, Ah don’t have a clue precisely how we’re related, Ah’ve never gotten a straight answer on the subject mahself. What Ah do know is that Boffinspark was real close to mah parents way back when. ‘Cause of that, me or Big Macintosh were usually the one’s left tryin’ to either try and talk sense into him before he does somethin’ crazy or tryin’ to keep the peace between him and the town when we couldn’t stop him.”
Before Twilight could ask any further questions, a deafening roar echoed out from further towards the farmhouse. Moments later, an oval portal opened in the sky and a bathtub with a jet engine affixed to one end blasted out from it. Standing inside was a gray unicorn with a wild, dark blue mane sporting a lab coat and goggles cheering madly. “AHAHAHAHAHA! YES! FOR SCIENCE!” As the arc of the flying bathtub’s trajectory started to descend towards the ground a second portal opened in front of it, swallowing it into the air. Soon afterwards a loud splash could be heard from the distance, as if something large had just been dropped into a lake.
“So, I take it that was…” Twilight started to say as the shock of what she had just witnessed started to wear off.
“Yep, that was Boffinspark alright. Looks like he’s already started his experimentin’ back up again.” Twilight noticed that Applejack had pulled her hat down over her face. “Well, it sounds like he managed to land in the pond near here, we may as well go fish him out of it.”
Nodding in agreement, Twilight followed Applejack as they made their way through the trees until they reached a clearing surrounding a large pond. Sitting in a rowboat in the center of the pond was Igor, who was in the process of pulling the unicorn from earlier up out of the water.
Heaving a sigh, Applejack strode up the water’s edge as he called out to the pair on the boat. “Y’all alright, professor? Ah saw y’all flyin’ through the air and then heard y’all splash down so Ah figured Ah’d come see if y’all needed mah help fishin’ y’all out. Looks like Igor’s got that part covered, though.”
Igor casually waved towards Applejack as he finished the coughing and spitting Boffinspark into the boat. “Ah, Applejack, good afternoon! I’ve been meaning to pay you a visit to let you know I’ve moved back, but I always seem to get distracted my research and…well, you understand what its like to get engrossed in your work. On the plus side, I’ve conclusively proven that my intradimensional portals are able to preserve linear momentum during transit. Score one for Boffinspark!” As Boffinspark cheered himself on he threw up his front hooves in celebration, nearly capsizing the boat in the process.
“Wait, that’s what you were doing?” Twilight asked incredulously. “But, why in Equestria would you conduct a scientific test like that using a rocket-powered bathtub?”
“You wouldn’t, that would be utterly ridiculous,” Boffinspark snorted as though he were stating the blindingly obvious. “I used a jet-powered bathtub for the test, much more reliable for data gathering purposes. Also, who are you? I don’t believe that we’ve met.”
“Professor Boffinspark, this here’s Princess Twilight Sparkle. She came to Ponyville a while after y’all left and Ah brought her here to introduce the two of y’all,” Applejack said.
“Oh, you’re Princess Twilight! I guess the wings and horn should have been a bit of a giveaway,” Boffinspark said as he leaned out of the boat and stuck out his hoof in greeting. Unfortunately, at that moment the rowboat struck a mudbank a few feet from the pond’s edge, sending Boffinspark tumbling head over hooves back into the water. Before Igor could pluck him out of the water again, however, Twilight levitated the professor onto the shore and magically dried him off. “Thankyou for that, I have to say I’ve wanted to meet you for time now, your highness. I’ve actually done quite a bit of research on the alicorn transformation process and I’d love to ask you a few questions about the experience. I don’t exactly get many opportunities to work with somepony who’s actually experienced the transformation, after all.”
“I guess that would be alright,” Twilight said hesitantly. As she glanced over to Applejack, however, Twilight noticed her friend frantically shaking her head. “But maybe we should do that another day, I still have some things that I need to take care of back at the school later today.”
“Of course, I completely understand. We should schedule a time to talk though. I’d love to ask you some questions about what happened when you transformed, how you acclimated to the new forms of magic, maybe collect a tissue sample –”
“Wait, what did you just say?” Twilight asked.
“How you acclimated to your new forms of magic?” Boffinspark replied before a rumbling crash echoed out from further into the orchard closer to the farmhouse. “Well, it sounds as though the timberwolves I’ve been experimenting on just broke out of their enclosure. I’d better go take care of that, so nice to see you, we really should take again soon, always nice to meet another alumnus of Princess Celestia, bye!” With that, Boffinspark took off into the orchard. Igor, having finally gotten out of the boat, gave Twilight and Applejack an apologetic shrug before racing off after the professor.
“Um, Applejack, should I be concerned by any of that?” Twilight asked after a few moments had passed.
“About that whole tissue thing? Nah, Ah wouldn’t fret to much about it. More than likely all that’ll happen there is the professor will follow y’all around fer a bit like y’all did with Pinkie Pie when y’all were tryin’ to figure out her Pinkie sense. That’ll last fer a day or so, then somethin’ else will get his attention and that’ll be the last of it.” A piercing howl echoed through the trees as Applejack spoke. “Now, hat bit about the timberwolves on the other hoof? That we should be worried about.”
Several bright beams of light proceeded to fire into the afternoon sky, followed by the sounds of Boffinspark yelling angrily. “Hold still, you stupid…something canine related shrubs! I can’t laser you properly if you keep jumping around like that!”
Twilight gave Applejack an uneasy look. “Should we be worried because of the timberwolves, or because of what Boffinspark going to do trying to capture them again?”
Applejack let out a deep sigh. “Eeyup.”
“So, why do you think they put ‘science’ in all capital letters?” Smolder asked as she her friends stood in front of Ponyville’s newest store. It was a large but otherwise unassuming structure, only really notable for the fact that it had sprung up into existence seemingly overnight. In a town such as Ponyville, however, this was only a mildly odd occurrence rather than anything worth being too amazed over.
“Yona confused. What science have to do with party supplies?” Yona asked as she pondered the store’s declared mix of offerings.
“Probably about as much as quills have to do with sofas,” Gallus snarked. “Personally, I’m just surprised Professor Pinkie Pie isn’t camped out here waiting for the place to open. You’d think the grand opening of a party supply store would be something she’d be all over.”
“Oh, she was really excited about this,” Silverstream said. “I ran into her in school while I was heading here, she was planning on coming but Professor Rarity stopped her because they’re having some sort of big faculty meeting.”
Any further chatter was forestalled by the high-pitched squeal of microphone feedback as speakers embedded in the outer walls of the store came to life. “Attention Ponyville! I, the great PROFESSOR BOFFINSPARK hereby declare my party supply and SCIENCE! emporium to be open!” Accompanying the declaration was an elaborate fireworks display, which proved to be remarkably visible despite going off in the middle of the day.
“Wow, they’re just those unlicensed fireworks Miss Trixie sells out of a back alley at midnight that we’re not supposed to know about,” Silverstream marveled as she watched the display.
“Yeah, I’m actually kind of curious about what this Boffinspark guy is selling now,” Gallus added. “Come on, let’s check out the inside.” Pushing the door open Gallus strode inside, the rest of his friends following closely behind. The interior of the store looked like a fairly normal party supply store at first glance, with rows of neatly labeled shelves displaying the expected balloons, streamers and so forth. As one looked further back, however, the rows became increasingly poorly lit and stocked with unidentifiable devise of all shapes and sizes.
While her friends wandered through the aisles, Ocellus found herself drawn to the store’s checkout counter, which sported an odd-looking notice. “The proprietor of this establishment reserves the right to refuse service to the following; Undead, Cultists and –” Here the word ‘changelings’ had been written and subsequently crossed out, replace with ‘unreformed changelings’, which had also been crossed out before the author had settled on ‘Queen Chrysalis and current associates’.
“Huh, so does the guy who runs this place have a problem with changelings or something?” Sandbar asked as he glanced at the notice.
“I don’t…think so? I mean, it looks like he changed it a few times to specify that he only doesn’t like evil changelings, and I can’t really blame somepony for not wanting to do business with Queen Chrysalis,” Ocellus said.
“HA! You here that, Igor?” A triumphant sounding voice cried out from the back of the shop. Moments later, a portal opened in mid-air just behind the counter, depositing an orangutan and a lab coat clad unicorn behind it. Morning later, the unicorn emerged with a massive grin as he looked down at Ocellus. “See? Our first changeling customer and she gets why the ex-Queen is on our do-not-serve list. Miss, as thanks for your contribution to proving, once again, that I was completely right I’m giving you a ten percent discount on whatever you purchase today!”
“Um, thank you?” Ocellus replied as she watched the orangutan pull itself to its feet.
“Ook.”
“Yes, I know a sample size of one isn’t necessarily indicative of anything under normal circumstances, but as Ponyville currently has a changeling of one (as far as I know) which means this case is an exception!” Boffinspark fired back.
“Ook.”
“So then what do you suggest, mister ‘I don’t want to appear insensitive’?” Boffinspark snapped before appearing to realize that his customers were staring at him. “You know what, we can continue this conversation later. Go, I don’t know, sweep something. I have business to conduct. Now then, how can I help you fine young creatures today?”
“Well, first you could explain what exactly a science store is, anyway,” Smolder replied.
“First of all, my young dragon, this is no mere emporium of science, but rather SCIENCE!” Boffinspark declared theatrically. “Here in this humble store I offer ponies the fruits of my scientific genius; devices capable of offering master over the very building blocks of reality itself!” Boffinspark let out a sigh as he slumped back down to the counter. “Regrettably, however, I’ve found that Ponyville offers a somewhat limited market for multiphase ionic oscillation units, so I had to expand my offerings to party supplies to boost revenue. You know, balloons, streamers, explosive ordinance, confetti, the usual.”
“I’m pretty sure one of those things isn’t something most ponies would consider to be usual party supplies,” Sandbar said,
“What, the streamers?” Boffinspark asked. “It’s the streamers, isn’t it? I knew they seemed extraneous, but Pinkie Pie assured me –”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” Gallus quickly interrupted. “I mean, it’s your store, after all, if you want to sell streamers then go for it. Anyway, what were you saying about explosive ordinance?”
“Ah yes, a classic party planning tool, and a particular specialty of me,” As Boffinspark spoke he pressed a button concealed under the counter, causing a section of wall to slide open revealing a cornucopia of cannons, rockets, bazookas, and other such devices. “Now, of course you have the standard party cannon, which for a small additional fee can be fully personalized with additional detailing. The standard model is a classic, but I can offer so many other options; multi-barrel versions, long-range howitzer models for when you need to set up for parties across town, and if you prefer going in the other direction I also offer wearable back and side mounted cannons for the part on the go!”
The six friends eagerly crowded around the arsenal of party-based weaponry on display. “These look just like Professor Pinkie’s party cannon,” Silverstream said.
“Yona like idea of wearable cannons, but Yona can’t decide between one big cannon for back or two saddlebag cannons,” Yona said as she perused the professor’s offerings.
“Who says you have to choose? I’ll tell you what, if you purchase a back-mounted unit and a set of saddlebag cannons, I’ll throw in a full custom paint job for the set free of charge!” Boffinspark said gleefully.
While Yona worked how to apply traditional yak design sensibilities to a cannon barrel, Ocellus found herself drawn to one of the glass cases in the display. Inside the case were a series of round, gaily decorated objects, each about the size of a large apple. “Oh, these look pretty.”
“Those are one of my latest designs; the party grenade. Just pull the pin, throw and KABLAM! Instant party!” Boffinspark declared before clearing his throat. “Now, technically I am obligated to inform you that the party grenades have not strictly speaking been approved for sale by any Equestrian safety organization. As such, if you want to purchase any of these, I’d just need you to sign a minor little liability waiver. Nothing significant, mind you, mostly just some legal boilerplate, really.” As Boffinspark spoke, Igor waddled over with a stack of papers comparable in thickness to the textbooks Headmare Twilight assigned for her History of Friendship in Equestria class. “Can I get you a pen?”
Gallus, meanwhile, had found himself walking past the various party cannons, party bazookas and a device that vaguely resembled a piece of pest pony equipment described as a ‘party-thrower’. Eventually, Gallus stopped in front of what appeared to be a highly detailed model of a device set up to hang in mid-air. “Yo, professor, what’s this thing supposed to be?”
“What you see there is a model of what will eventually be the final word in party-centric ordinance; the Orbital Party Cannon. Imagine it, a large-bore party howitzer in stable orbit looking down at Equestria, able to deploy a full cute-ceanera anywhere in the world at a moment’s notice. Unfortunately, for some reason ponies seem somewhat uneasy about the idea of my having access to an orbital cannon, and thus I’ve had some difficulty securing funding for the project.
“Gee, I can’t imagine why,” Gallus said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.
“I know, it’s completely irrational. I mean, essentially, it’s just an extra-large party cannon. It isn’t as though I’m secretly building a device able to collect the ambient energy given off by friendship and then fire it in a rainbow-colored beam of unbridled power!” Boffinspark declared.
“That’s…weirdly specific,” Smolder said, tearing her attention away from a rapid-fire party-zooka.
“I assure you it’s nothing you need to worry about, just a completely non-suspicious, normal remark that absolutely does not warrant any future investigation,” Boffinspark said quickly. “In fact, just to show how completely unremarkable that remark was I’m going to offer you all half-off on all party supplies if you agree to never speak of it again.”
*********
“So, that just leaves one more order of business before we finish today’s meeting,” Twilight said to her assembled friends / school staff. “I understand that some of you would like to propose issuing a ban on students shopping at Professor Boffinspark’s new store-”
“WHAT?” Pinkie Pie yelled. “You want to ban our students from going to a party supply store?”
“A party supply store run by Boffinspark,” Rainbow Dash said. “Anything that guy sells is either gonna blow up, or blow somepony else up, or set something on fire. Probably all at once.”
“Now hold on, Rainbow, not everythin’ in that store of his is primed to explode or somthin’,” Applejack protested. “The professor showed me ‘round the place when he was settin’ up and a good chunk of what he’s sellin’ is just normal party supplies. Now, Ah’m not sayin’ we let the students buy just whatever from there, but maybe we don’t need to put a ban on the entire place.”
“As much as I share your concern, Rainbow Dash, I think I actually agree with Applejack on this,” Rarity added. “If we can convince Boffinspark that he’d be more successful selling balloons and confetti then perhaps we could steer him away from his…other interests.”
Rainbow Dash settled back down into her seat as she considered what Rarity had said. “Okay, I guess that makes sense. As long as we only let Boffinspark sell regular party stuff to the students and not any of his crazy experimental doohickeys then we probably don’t need a full ban.”
“Alright, it sounds like we’re in agreement that students will be allowed to patronize Professor Boffinspark’s shop, but will only be permitted to purchase regular party supplies. I’ll put together an official statement and we’ll make the announcement in the morning. Now, if there’s nothing else that anypony would like to discuss I think we can-” Before Twilight could declare the faculty meeting adjourned, a series of explosions rattled the entire building. “What in Equestria?” Twilight yelled as she threw open the doors to the faculty lounge to find the hallways of the school covered in balloons, streamers and cake frosting. As a bewildered Twilight slowly stepped into the hall, she found herself nearly bowled over by Silverstream, who was flying through the air at top speed, leaving a trial of confetti behind her as she went.
“Woohoo! This is awesome, my cousins in Seaquestria are never going to believe they have things like this on the surface!” Nearly a dozen thoughts ran through Twilight’s mind all at once as she watched Silverstream vanish down the hall, one of which concerned the school rules against running in the halls. Such thoughts were quickly scattered, however, as the sound of cannon fire echoed through the air. Moments later, the source of the new ruckus came lumbering around the corner, much to Twilight’s dismay.
“Yaks best at parties!” Yona cheered happily as she charged into view. The young yak resembled a hairy battleship, veritably bristling with small cannons sticking out from her sides while a full-sized party cannon was strapped to her back. As soon as Yona fully turned the corner she fired off a salvo from her cannons, sending a blizzard of confetti down the hall.
“Whoa nelly, what in tarnation’s goin’ on out –” Applejack started to ask before seeing Yona rumble past. “Never mind, Ah can already guess. Look’s like some of our students have already gone shoppin’ at the professor’s store.”
“Ooh, were those the new party cannon models Igor said the professor was working on?” Pinkie Pie asked excitedly as she watched Yona disappear down the hall.
Twilight, meanwhile, took a deep breath to calm herself before assessing the situation. Granted, having her students armed with party cannons wasn’t an ideal situation, but it was hardly the worst-case scenario. All she needed to do was gather the students up, explain to them what was and wasn’t appropriate for indoor use and –
“Incoming!” Twilight’s thoughts were once again interrupted as an explosion from the school courtyard rattled the windows and spattered them with what looked like cake frosting.
“Is it just me, or did that sound like Sandbar?” Pinkie Pie asked mildly as she inspected the cake frosting covering the other side of the window.
“We should probably head outside and see what’s goin’ on,” Applejack said as she gently nudged Twilight along. The Princess of Friendship hadn’t said a word, but the twitching in her right eye didn’t bode particularly well for anypony.
As the group quickly made their way towards the school courtyard they continued to hear the booming sounds of small cannons being fired, accompanied by bouts of panicked yelling. Once they reached the courtyard, they found it covered in balloons, streamers and baked goods, as though a tornado had picked up a party supply store and emptied its contents over the school. Above the courtyard, Gallus and Smolder were engaged in a dogfight of sorts, each armed with a colorful bazooka that fired clouds of streamers and confetti. Neither of the pair had especially good aim, however, and their errant blasts seemed to account for a large portion of the courtyard’s mess.
The cause of the rest became quickly apparent as a pink, apple-sized ball landed next to Twilight’s hooves. “Headmare Twilight, watch out!” Ocellus’ voice rang out as Twilight leaded down to inspect the object, only for it to detonate. The explosion left Twilight completely coated in vanilla cake frosting, along with a smattering of lit birthday candles.
“Hmm, its not bad, but I don’t think its quite up to Sugar Cube Corner standards,” Pinkie Pie said as she scooped some of the frosting off of Twilight and tasted it. “And the explosion kinda destroys the ‘cake’ part of the birthday cake, thought it does give the frosting a nice smoky aftertaste.” Pinkie Pie’s critique of the apparent party grenade was briefly cut short as a salvo from Smolder’s party-zooka detonated above the doorway, showering Twilight and her friends with confetti. “Um, Twilight?” Pinkie Pie asked as she noticed her friend had started trembling violently. “Are you okay?”
*********
“You know, Igor, all in all I stills ay this whole experience was a complete success,” Professor Boffinspark said as he reviewed the newly passed town ordinances regarding his party supply sales.
“Ook.”
“I think your worrying too much, the ban makes a specific exemption for Miss Pinkie Pie, and she represents most of those sales anyway. Plus, I already have a workaround in place to reach anycreature else who’s interested.
“Ook.”
“What? Of course I don’t intend to sell my party supplies in some back ally at midnight! What kind of irresponsible ne’er-do-well do you take me for? I’m going to commission Miss Trixie to do that for me. As a bonus, that should leave us plenty of time to focus on a far more pressing matter,” Professor Boffinspark said.
“Ook?”
“Why, collecting a genetic exemplar from our Princess Twilight, of course! The secrets of alicorn transformation aren’t going to unlock themselves, after all.”
A Completely Mature Presentation
“Boffinspark is one of your old students?” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, her tone signaling an impending identity crisis.
“Yes, he was,” Princess Celestia replied. “Although her graduated from his studies under me years ago. We don’t keep in contact quite as much as I’d prefer, but he does reach to me whenever he’s invented something he thinks could greatly benefit Equestria. And whatever he’s come up with this time must be something particularly special give that he insisted on presenting it to all four princesses.”
“I have to admit, I’m rather eager to see this new breakthrough myself,” Luna added. “From what Celestia has told me this Boffinspark is a uniquely brilliant stallion of science.”
“He’s definitely unique, I’ll give him that,” Twilight muttered as she slumped back in her seat and glanced at the other three princesses seated with her in the Ponyville Town Hall auditorium. None of her fellow alicorns seemed to share her trepidation regarding whatever it was Boffinspark had insisted they gather together to witness. Princess Celestia was happy as ever to see the accomplishments of one of her former students, Princess Luna had maintained a keen interest in scientific advancements ever since her return and Princess Cadance just seemed happy to have a break from motherhood for an hour or so.
Any possibly for further conversation was soon halted, however, as the lights dimmed and Professor Boffinspark himself took the stage. “Your royal highnesses, I would like to thank you all for joining me today for the unveiling of my latest invention. I have created a machine that shall revolutionize not only Equestria’s military but nearly every sector of heavy labor. After many years of refinement, I have created a pilotable machine that takes full advantage of an upright posture; the Bipedal Utility Mecha. So, without further ado, allow me to present to you my B.U.M.!”
Twilight blinked in shock as she watched Igor pull back the curtain to reveal a hulking, two-legged machine. “Does he even realize that he named that thing…” Twilight thought to herself. A quick glance at Boffinspark’s face dispelled any suspicions that this was some kind of joke. Boffinspark was practically beaming as the princesses admired his invention.
“I have to admit, professor, you B.U.M. does appear to be quite impressive,” Princess Luna said, causing Twilight to stare at her in utter disbelief. Going by the expression of sincere interest on her face, however, it didn’t appear that Luna realized what she had just said.
“Professor, could you please tell us more about the functions of your B.U.M.?” Cadance asked, the mischievous look in her eyes revealing that she knew exactly what she was saying.
“Certainly, your highness,” Boffinspark said before clearing his throat. “A marvel of modern engineering, my B.U.M. possesses unrivaled power, and I’m certain you’ll soon be able to see my B.U.M. on farms and construction sites all over Equestria. But my B.U.M. isn’t just about raw power, but also comfort.” As Boffinspark spoke he opened up the cockpit of the mecha with his magic. “If I can direct your attention to the inside of my B.U.M. –”
Princess Celestia, who up until now had been desperately struggling to keep a straight face, finally let out a strangled snicker at this last statement.
“Is there something the matter, sister?” Princess Luna asked as she turned to Celestia.
“Oh no, it’s only that I just recalled something Discord said to me yesterday. I’d try and elaborate but I’m afraid it wouldn’t make very much sense,” Princess Celestia replied, having already recovered her composure.
“Little of what he says ever does,” Luna said with a note of disdain. “In any event, professor, please resume telling about the inside of your B.U.M..” Twilight promptly buried her face in her hooves at this.
“Of course, princess. As you can likely see, the inside of my B.U.M. is a bit of tight fit, but its quite nicely cushioned so anypony inside should be quite comfy. Now, Princess Cadance, did you want to say something?”
“I was just going to ask if you’d be willing to construct one of these machines for my own use? I’d love to be able to show off my B.U.M. through the streets of the Crystal Empire.” Part of Twilight actually found it impressive that Cadance managed to get through saying all of that with a straight face.
“Why princess, I’d be delighted. It would be an honor and a privilege to work on your B.U.M.! In fact, why don’t I construct a B.U.M. for each of you?” Boffinspark asked, clearly taken with the idea. “Yes, they’ll be some of my finest creations, I’ll start pouring my love into each of your B.U.M.s as soon as possible!”
“That’s so generous of you,” Cadance quickly interjected before Twilight could recover enough from what she had just heard to form actual words. “Although, you may need to make some adjustments for Aunt Celestia’s.”
“I presume you’re referring to her stature, and I’ve of course already considered that. Princess Celestia’s B.U.M. will of course be significantly larger than average,” Boffinspark said.
“It’s not that much larger,” Princess Celestia muttered under her breath.
“Now, there is one minor issue with my invention that I do need to bring up,” Boffinspark said. “The motors that power the hydraulics do sometimes generate a buildup of sulfuric gas, and said gas does leak out from time to time.”
“So, what you’re saying is…” Cadance began.
“Yes, sadly my B.U.M. will sometimes release foul-smelling gas,” Boffinspark confirmed.
“Alright, that’s enough!” Twilight yelled, having finally reached her breaking point. As Twilight angrily glared around the room Celestia and Cadance both lost the last remnants of their composure as well and each collapsed into fits of laughter. Seeing that she wasn’t about to find any support among her fellow princesses, Twilight let out a hoarse groan of frustration and teleported away.
“What in Equestria was that all about?” Luna asked as she watched her elder sister and niece continue to convulse with laughter.
“I have no idea, your highness. Some ponies simply aren’t particularly mature, I guess.”
“Alright Igor, I’ve finally don it. At long last I’ve devised a completely foal-proof plan to obtain a sample of Princess Twilight’s alicorn DNA!” Professor Boffinspark threw up his front hooves in excitement, nearly causing himself to lose balance and topple backwards out of his chair.
“Ook.”
“No, Igor, this isn’t anything like any of those times. This time I’ve taken into account every possible variable that could affect the outcome,” Boffinspark replied testily.
“Ook.”
“And it was mostly true in that case, too,” Boffinspark said. “If I hadn’t missed one minor detail everything would have worked perfectly.”
****One Week Earlier ****
If somepony had asked Twilight what her favorite part of being a teacher was, she would have been hard pressed to pick out a single aspect. That said, grading papers would have likely been one of the top contenders. “It looks like Galus really did his research for his paper on the impact loyalty has had on Equestrian history,” Twilight said to herself. “I was a little worried when his opening thesis focused on loyalty in a business context, but it looks like I can chalk that up to cultural differences.”
Humming to herself as she continued to grade papers, Twilight failed to notice the faint, steady popping sounds coming from outside. Nor did Twilight notice when they stopped, only to be replaced by scratching sounds at the windows edges. This state of affairs continued until finally there was a knock on Twilight’s door. “Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said as she trotted inside, not bothering to wait for Twilight to answer.
“Hey Pinkie, did you need something?” Twilight said as she looked up from her grading.
“Not really, Applejack just wanted me to tell you something – Oh, hi Professor!” Pinkie Pie suddenly exclaimed.
Confused, Twilight spun around to see Professor Boffinspark clinging to the other side of her office window via suction cups attached to his hooves and levitating locking picking tools. Smiling awkwardly, the professor detached one of his front hooves from the glass to wave back, only to lose his balance and topple back off the glass.
“So…what did Applejack want you to tell me about?” Twilight asked after several seconds of bewildered silence passed.
“Oh right. She said to tell you that the professor been climbing up the school walls, but I guess you already know that, huh?”
*********
“Well, how was I supposed to know that the windows to Twilight’s office don’t open. I mean, really, who doesn’t enjoy having a nice, open window on a hot day?” Boffinspark said.
“Ook.”
“Hindsight is always 20/20, mister smarty-simian, and at least that wasn’t nearly as bad as the seed emporium incident. Anyway, this time we’re going to get inside that school in a way Princess Twilight will never expect; straight through the front door!”
“Ook?”
“Oh yes, my faithful assistant, I said ‘we’! Now fret not, once we’ve donned the brilliant disguises that I’ve assembled nopony will be able to recognize us.” Boffinspark chuckled as he rubbed his front hooves together. “Few ponies know this about me, but in addition to being a scientific genius I’m also a master of disguise.”
*********
“- and I think that’s just about it for this faculty meeting, unless anypony has something else they’d like to bring up,” Twilight said to her assembled friends, minus Pinkie Pie, who was busy leading a tour for prospective students.
“Yeah, I have a question,” Rainbow Dash said. “Are we gonna just keep ignoring the fact that Boffinspark keeps trying to…honestly, I’m not even sure what he’s been trying to do, but whatever it is he keeps trying to do it in the school. I mean, remember a couple weeks ago when he tried getting over the wall by tying a bunch of balloons around his waist?”
“I feel just awful about how that turned out,” Fluttershy said. “I was just trying to see if I could attract a roc with the artificial dragon molt musk Zecora helped make. We hadn’t even set everything up anywhere near the school, it was just that we didn’t expect the wind to shift like that. I’m just glad the roc didn’t wind up hurting Boffinspark too badly.”
“That was wild and all, but Ah gotta say, Ah’m actually with Rainbow Dash on this one. Usually the professor will get bored with somethin’ after a week or two, but somethin’ about this latest batch of nonsense feels different,” Applejack added.
Twilight let out a sigh. “Well, up until now I’ve been trying to just ignore it, but if you thing things are getting out of hoof then I’ll try and talk to him.”
“Well, it helps that Princess Celestia confirmed that Boffinspark is mostly harmless,” Twilight replied. “Plus, so far he hasn’t actually hurt anypony, besides himself anyway, and he hasn’t really disrupted any classes either. It’s not as though he’s done something like hijacking the map to send us to the other side of the planet so he could try taking over the school,” Twilight added while giving Fluttershy a sidelong glance.
“Discord did say he was sorry about that. To me. Eventually,” Fluttershy said defensively, though more to herself than to anypony else.
“Anyway, I don’t think its something I need to worry about right away. I mean, there’s a limit to how much trouble Boffinspark can actually cause, right?” Twilight looked around at her friends, all of whom were staring at her with a mixture of pity and disbelief. “I’m doomed, aren’t I?”
“Well, Ah wouldn’t quite put it that way, sugar cube,” Applejack said. “But Ah wouldn’t underestimate the trouble the professor’s able to get himself into. Best thing we can do fer now is to keep our eyes open fer anythin’ out of the ordinary. ‘Course, knowin’ the professor it won’t be hard to see whatever he tries next.”
*********
“I’m so glad all of you could come to see our School of Friendship!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she greeted the assembled crown. “My name is Pinkie Pie and we’re going to have a great time together today.”
“Pardon me, but will we have an opportunity to meet Princess Twilight during this tour?” a unicorn stallion dressed in a lab coat and rainbow clown wig aside, his face obscured by a set of nose glasses that he was wearing over his actual glasses.
“Maybe, Twilight’s been really super busy with running the school and getting ready to take over for Princess Celestia, but I know she loves meeting with new students and parents. Say, have we met before? What’s your name?” Pinkie asked as she leaned in closer.
“Why, I’m Prof…” the stallion sudden quieted as he began nervously glancing about “…file. Profile Image, yes, that’s it. Just an ordinary, non-scientific artist pony that you’ve definitely never met before and have no reason to be suspicious of whatsoever. And this is my equally ordinary and not suspicious at all assistant Rogi,” ‘Profile Image’ said as he gestured to the figure standing next to him, a trench coat-wearing orangutan sporting an eyepatch.
Pinkie Pie carefully regarded the pair for a moment before breaking into a massive grin. “Well, okie-dokie-lokie, let’s get this tour started then!”
As Pinkie Pie proceeded to lead the tour group into the school, ‘Profile Image’ and ‘Rogi’ allowed themselves to drift towards the back of the crowd. “And you said this plan would never work. We’re about to waltz right into the school through the front doors and nopony even suspects a thing!”
*********
“Uh, hey, Professor Applejack?”
Applejack turned her head to see Smolder flying through the hall towards her. “Somethin’ wrong, Smolder?”
“I don’t know if somethings wrong, but I thought you should know that that weird guy that runs the party cannon store is walking around with one of the tour groups.” Smolder said. “Anyway, I kind of figured you’d want to know.”
“Aw ponyfeathers, Ah was really hopin’ we’d have time fer Twilight to try and talk to the professor before he tried somethin’ else. Still, if he’s just walkin’ in with a tour group then maybe he doesn’t have anythin’ too nutty planned,” Applejack added hopefully.
“Yeah…about that,” Smolder said. “He was also wearing a disguise, or at least I think he was.”
“What do y’all mean y’ think he was wearin’ a disguise?” Applejack asked before smacking herself in the face. “No, wait, don’t bother tellin’ me, Ah can already guess. Dagnabbit, this is the dang seed emporium incident all over again. Alright, where the hay is he now?”
“Professor Pinkie was leading the group through the main courtyard when I saw them, I think that means they’re headed to the library next,” Smolder said.
“Great, Ah should be able to get there and head things off before he sneaks off and gets up to something,” Applejack said as she rushed down the school hallways towards the library. In her hast, however, Applejack failed to watch where she was going and crashed headlong into Rainbow Dash as she turned a corner as a result.
“Ow, jeez Applejack, what gives?” Rainbow Dash groaned as she picked herself up off the ground.
“Accordin’ to Smolder, Boffinspark’s snuck in with today’s tour group,” Applejack said as she helped her friend up. “Ah don’t think he’ll be able to get up to much, he and Igor will stick out ‘round here like a pair of watermelons in a bushel of red delicious, but Ah don’t wanna take any chances.”
“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash said before letting out a groan of annoyance. “Actually, I don’t know why I’m even surprised. Honestly, we’re probably just lucky he hasn’t tried sending in mutant wombats or something yet. So, how do you want to handle this?”
“Ah figure if he’s tried disguisin’ himself then we might be able to get him to leave quietly if we can convince him the jig is up,” Applejack said. It didn’t take the pair long to reach the library where Pinkie Pie was helpfully explaining to the prospective students and their parents that the library was a no cannon / loud party / spontaneous musical number zone.
“ – but there is an exception for wandering sections of ongoing musical numbers, as long as that portion is sung quietly enough to not disturb anypony,” Pinkie Pie assured the group, most of whom nodded in understanding. Anypony who had lived in Equestria long enough understood the inevitability of unrehearsed musical numbers breaking out and the importance of being able to work around them.
“’Scuse us, Pinkie,” Applejack said as she approached the tour group while Rainbow Dash deftly positioned herself to cut off Boffinspark’s best avenue of escape. “Ah hate to interrupt yer tour, but Rainbow Dash and Ah need to borrow one of yer guests fer a moment.” Applejack quickly zeroed in on her rainbow wig clad target and pulled him away from the rest of the group and herded him out of the library before anypony could object.
“Okay, Boffinspark, spill it! What crazy sciencey-stuff are you up to this tune?” Rainbow Dash demanded the moment the library doors closed behind them.
“Why, I have no idea who this ‘Boffinspark’ fellow is, miss pony I have never met before, but he certainly sounds like a brilliant and handsome stallion so I’ll forgive the confusion. My name is Profile Image, a humble and definitely not up to something scientist. I mean artist, yes, that’s the ticket,” ‘Profile Image’ quickly corrected himself.
“Wow, I can’t believe it,” Rainbow Dash said solemnly. “I’ve actually managed to find somepony who’s an even worse liar than you, Applejack.”
“Harr dee harr harr, RD,” Applejack grumbled before an evil grin spread across her features. “Look, Ah’ll level with y’all, Mister Image, Ah actually believe y’.”
“You do?” Both ‘Profile Image’ and Rainbow Dash exclaimed in unison.
“Sure Ah do. Why, the stallion we’re lookin’ fer is a real scientist and y’all strike me as the sort of pony who wouldn’t care two bits about somethin’ like nucular physics an’ such.” As Applejack spoke, she made sure to put particular emphasis on how she pronounced ‘nuclear’, causing ‘Profile Image’s’ eyes to visibly start to twitch. “Why, Ah reckon y’all wouldn’t even know the first thing about nucular particles or what have ya – ”
“Nuclear!” ‘Profile Image’ suddenly screamed. “It’s pronounced ‘nuclear’ not ‘nucular’! For Celestia’s sake, how many times do I need to explain this to ponies? And you, Applejack, you know how much that mispronunciation gall me.”
“Do Ah?” Applejack asked with a victorious smirk. “’Cause Ah know Professor Boffinspark gets durn near peeved at that, but y’all said y’ weren’t even a scientist.”
“Ah, yes, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that,” ‘Profile Image’ said nervously as he backed away from Applejack and Rainbow Dash, who both looked at him expectantly. “Oh, you actually want to hear it. Well, you see, I…um…Dear Celestia, look over there!” With that, ‘Profile Image’ immediately scrambled towards a nearby window and attempted to leap out of it. Unfortunately for him, he neglected to ensure that said window was actually open first, and promptly smashed into the glass before slowly sliding off.
“Man, it’s a good thing Twilight made sure the school windows were strong enough to handle having a pony crash into them,” Rainbow Dash remarked.
“Pretty sure y’all are the reason Twi felt the need fer that,” Applejack said as she trotted over and plucked the rainbow wig off of ‘Profile Image’, or rather Professor Boffinspark’s head. “Alright, professor, we caught y’all dead to rights, so why don’t y’ come with us to Twilight’s office and we can talk about whey y’all keep tryin’ to sneak into the school.”
“Oh very well,” Boffinspark said as he pulled himself up. “Luckily for me, what they don’t realize is that my faithful assistant Igor slipped away from the tour group before they caught me and now has free reign of the school.”
Rainbow Dash leaned over to Applejack. “Umm, does he realize that he’s saying all of that out loud?”
*********
“Oh hello there, are you lost?” Rarity said as she approached the odd, trenchcoated figure standing in the hallway. Upon hearing her voice, the figure seemed to freeze before reluctantly turning to reveal itself to be an orangutan in an eyepatch. “My, um, are you one of Fluttershy’s animal friends, but any chance?”
The orangutan silently stared at Rarity for a moment before pulling out a small notepad and pencil form its trench coat and writing out a short note, which it ten tore out and handed to Rarity.
“‘Greetings, my name is Rogi, a prospective student, and I seem to have become separated from my tour group.’ Ah, well that certainly explains things then. Alright Mister Rogi, let’s see if we can’t get you back to your group. Just follow me.” With that, Rarity began leading the orangutan down the hall. “You know, I have to say I gust adore that trench coat of yours, very noir-esque”
“Ook.”
“You know, you actually wouldn’t be the only orangutan we have in Ponyville,” Rarity continued, not letting the fact that she couldn’t understand a word the prospective student said put a damper on their conversation. “He’s the assistant of the proprietor of a local party supply store…at least I think that’s what it is. His name is Igor, for what it’s worth. The orangutan, not the proprietor, I mean.”
“Ook.”
“The store owner himself? Well, he’s…different. I wouldn’t worry about him too much, however. He usually doesn’t bother anypony here at the school, aside from Twilight, that is. Speaking of whom, Twilight’s office should be just ahead on our right,” Rarity said.
As the pair approached, the doors to Twilight’s office abruptly swung open. “Seriously, why didn’t you just tell me that’s why you’ve been doing all this?” Twilight said as she trotted out, Professor Boffinspark following behind her.
“Well, ponies always seem to overreact whenever I ask them for DNA samples,” Professor Boffinspark said. “I mean, really, with the way they carry on you’d think I was asking for something actually important.”
Twilight rolled her eyes before tarring to notice Rarity and Rogi standing in the hallway. “Oh, hi Rarity. Good, you managed to find Igor, I thought I was going to need to have Starlight and Fluttershy look for him.”
“Twilight, darling, I think you must be mistaken. This fine ape’s name is Rogi, he’s one of the prospective students who were touring the school and got separated from his group,” Rarity replied before turning to Rogi. “I hope you’re not offended by the confusion, I’m sure Twilight just has a lot on her mind right now.”
Twilight stared at her friend as she tried to work out whether or not this was some kind of prank being pulled on her. “Rarity, you can’t really be serious, that’s obviously Igor in a trench coat.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Twilight. Rogi is obviously a completely different orangutan than Igor. I mean, just look at him; Rogi has an eyepatch while Igor doesn’t.”
Wearing an expression usually reserved for dealing excessive bouts of Pinkie Pie-ness, Twilight calmly levitated the eyepatch off of Rogi’s head, causing Rarity to let out a startled gasp of shock.
“Dear Celestia, it really is you, Igor! What an ingenious disguise, I never would have recognized you,” Rarity said in a tone that suggested complete and utter sincerity.
“Ook.”
Twilight took in a deep breath as she reflected ho this at the very least did explain a few things about their ill-fated initial effort to infiltrate Flim and Flam’s Friendship University. “Right. Well, anyway, Boffinspark and I have finished having an overdue chat about why he’s been sneaking around the school and he’s agreed to stop in exchange for a little help with some of his research.”
“Dare I even ask?” Rarity said.
“I seek to uncover the secrets behind the alicorn transformation!” Boffinspark declared, throwing his front hooves in the air.
“Boffinspark believes that my alicorn transformation was triggered when my spell activated some sort of dormant gene, so he wants to investigate my DNA to see if he can figure out the specifics of the genes responsible,” Twilight explained as Boffinspark lost his balance and toppled over. “We hardly know anything about the specifics of how turning into an alicorn works. If Boffinspark’s hypothesis about it is correct then the implications could be incredible.”
“And, just to be clear, you’re entrusting this revolutionary bit of research to him,” Rarity said as she gestured towards Boffinspark, who had collapsed onto the ground and was cackling madly.
“Admittedly, Boffinspark is a little – alright, he’s completely out of his mind,” Twilight admitted. “But I think he may actually be on to something. Besides, how much trouble could he possible cause with something like this?”
“—and do you have any idea how hard it is to clean purple milkshake stains out of a Wonderbolt uniform? Those things are dry-clean only!” Rainbow Dash said as she slammed her hooves down on the table at Sugar Cube Corner. “And that’s not even getting into what its going to be like to have to tell Spitfire that half the team got taken out by a milkshake cannon.”
“To be fair, you’ve got to admit, those were some pretty good berry surprise milkshakes,” Pinkie Pie chimed in, only to slink back down as Rainbow Dash glared daggers at her.
“Come on, RD, it weren’t that bad,” Applejack half-heartedly protested. “It ain’t like anypony were hurt or nothin’. Besides, y’all wouldn’t’ve even been in the line of fire if that clerk at Town Hall hadn’t gotten their dates mixed up, so it weren’t even really the professor’s fault this time.” Rainbow Dash didn’t appear to be mollified by this argument in the slightest, letting out an irritated snort.
“There shouldn’t have even been a ‘line of fire’ to begin with. Who the hay even builds a milkshake cannon? And we both know you’re only on Professor Nutjob’s side because he’s supposed to be your distant cousin or something.” Rainbow Dash paused as a thought suddenly struck her. “Wait, how the hay are you two related exactly, anyway?”
“Well, the profesor’s mah…somethin’ cousin, Ah think? Ah know Ah’ve asked Granny about it before and she’s always been pretty insistent we’re related, though she does get a mite squirrely when Ah try and ask fer specifics…”
“Boffinspark? He’s your second cousin once removed.” Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie all looked up to see Grand Pear standing near their table. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I overheard you talking and I thought I’d clear things up a bit.”
“Hold on just a second, so if y’all know how the professor’s related to me, does that mean he’s a Pear?” Applejack asked, earning a nod from Grand Pear. “Huh, guess that explains why Granny always seemed a little odd around him, ‘specially when we asked how he’s related to us. Though, Ah wonder why the professor never said anything about it himself?”
“Well, his part of the family was never really all that interested in the feud to begin with. Or with farming in general, for that matter,” Grand Pear said as he sat down. “You see, my aunt Pear Cordial, Boffinspark’s grandmother, was never all that interested in farm life. She was…how should I put this…she was a lot like that pretty dressmaker friend of yours. Anyway, she mostly took care of selling our jams and preserves up in Canterlot, and eventually she met a stallion and settled down there. Now, her son, Pear Brandy, was actually who I wanted to sell our orchard to when I was getting ready to move to Vanhoover, but…”
*********
“I’m telling you, Brandy, it’s a beautiful piece of farmland. The soil’s fertile, the townsponies are wonderful (aside from our neighbors) and it’s so close to Canterlot you’d be able to keep transportation costs down.” The green-coated unicorn let out a sigh as he looked through the papers Grand Pear had brought with him detailing the proposal.
“I don’t know, Grand Pear, I just don’t think vertical expansion would be a good fit for my business. I mean, I’m no farmer, but I know just enough about farming to know I’m just not cut out for that sort of thing.”
“You could always hire somepony to run things for you,” Grand Pear suggested as he tried to keep the desperation from entering his voice. “There are plenty of ponies who could handle running things on the ground while you focused on the business side of things.”
“I could, but that would just eat up any savings I’d get by buying the orchard in the first place. I’m sorry, cousin, I just don’t think I’m the right pony for this orchard of yours. But, I’m sure you’ll find a buyer eventually. Or, you might even want to try having somepony manage it for you.” Grand Pear, however, sadly shook his head.
“The trouble is I need the bits to get everything set up in Vanhoover, and I was really hoping to keep the orchard in the family. If I try auctioning it off to just anypony, odds are some Apple will but it just to turn the place into another apple orchard. I’ll bet Granny Smith would just love to rub my nose in something like that, the rotten…” Grand Pear’s voice dropped to an indistinguishable mumble as he continued to mutter a string of invectives aimed at the Apple matriarch.
“And, I’m guessing I’m the only member of the Pear family with deep enough pockets to buy the orchard outright,” Pear Brandy said in a hasty effort to change the subject. “Well, my buying the orchard might be off the table, but I could see about investing in your Vanhoover business, or maybe even offer you a loan. I don’t normally like to lend to family, but you do have a fairly solid business plan, and if we look at the farm as collateral—” Any further discussion of the possible business proposal was suspended as the front door to Pear Brandy’s home suddenly burst open.
“AHAHAHA! They said it couldn’t be done! They said it shouldn’t be done! They said it made no rational sense to even attempt it! But I’ve done it anyway!” Grand Pear watched in confusion as a young unicorn stallion, roughly the same age as Pear Butter and dressed in a white lab coat, trotted into the room followed by a large orangutan.
“Grand Pear, this is my son, Boffinspark,” Pear Brandy said, his face buried in his hooves. “Boffinspark, this is Grand Pear, your—”
“Ah, a relative! Pleasure to meet you!” Boffinspark interrupted as he vigorously shook Grand Pear’s hoof. “Now, I’m sure you’re both wondering what feat of scientific mastery could have prompted my celebration. Well, permit me to introduce to you my magnum opus and assistant, Igor!” As Boffinspark spoke, he gestured back towards the orangutan standing behind him, which waved at Grand Pear by way of greeting.
“Ook.”
“Courtesy of my revolutionary cognitive expansion technology, Igor here is the single most intelligent ape in all of Equestria! Just how intelligent is he, you ask? Well, as of today, Igor is officially the first primate to pass the Canterlot Bar Exam! So, what are the two of you chatting about?”
“We were just discussing what to do about Grand Pear’s farm, nothing you’d be interested in,” Pear Brandy said quickly as he tried to guide Boffinspark out of the room. Boffinspark, however, effortlessly slipped away and trotted over to the paperwork, which was still laid out on the table.
“It looks to me like you’re looking to sell it,” Boffinspark said as he idly shifted through the documents. “Hmm, Ponyville, that’s that farming community next to the Everfree Forrest, isn’t it? Yes…that could work…”
“Boffinspark, what are you planning?” Pear Brandy asked warily.
“Assuming you’re not interested in it, why don’t I purchase the orchard?” Boffinspark said cheerfully.
“What?” Pear Brandy and Grand Pear exclaimed in unison, the latter sounding considerably happier than the former.
“Princess Celestia has been suggesting that I move my research out of the city for some time now. Obviously, she understands that I need more room to operate, with less red tape put in my place by luddites like the Royal Guard. Or the Canterlot Board of Health. Or the Canterlot Zoning Commission. Or the Royal Society for the Preservation of Historic Structures. I swear, an experiment knocks down an old building one time and they never get off your back about it.”
“And, you’d be able to afford to buy it?” Grand Pear asked.
“If these numbers are anything to go by, then my research grants should be able to cover it readily enough. Princess Celestia has been very generous when allocating funds for me to move out of Canterlot.”
“Grand Pear, could I talk with you for a moment? Over here?” Pear Brandy asked as he pulled Grand Pear to the other side of the room. “Look, I realize you need a buyer, and Celestia knows I’d love for Boffinspark to move out on his own, but…” Pear Brandy glanced back at Boffinspark, who was humming happily to himself while Igor sorted through the paperwork. “I’ll be blunt, my son is a complete lunatic. He’s liable to blow your orchard to smithereens as he is to actually grow anything, and that’s assuming he doesn’t just get bored and wander off at some point.” A look of concern crossed over Grand Pear’s features, but gradually it gave way to an evil grin.
“So, would you say he’d make life difficult for any of his new neighbors?” Grand Pear asked.
“Oh, dear Celestia, he’d be almost guaranteed to make their lives utterly miserable.”
*********
“…and so I signed the bill of sale with Boffinspark that evening,” Grand Pear admitted as Applejack massaged her temples.
“Of. Bucking. Course y’all did,” Applejack said with a deep sigh. “Well, on the plus side, as far as Granny’s told me, Boffinspark was always a decent sort to mah folks. Ah guess havin’ kinfolk who’d speak to ma was worth puttin’ up with his antics. Ah just can’t – no, Ah actually can believe y’all’d try and take one last jab at Granny by sendin’ him to Ponyville.”
“Yeah, that’s be like you trying to get back at Flim and Flam by sending Boffinspark over to their resort,” Rainbow Dash laughed. Her laughter slowly died, however, as she watched the wicked grin slowly spreading across Applejack’s face. “Uh, AJ? You alright there? Applejack?”
“Would y’all excuse me fer a bit? Ah need to go check on, uh, somethin’,” Applejack said as she quickly excused herself from the table and galloped off, leaving Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to exchange worried looks.
“So, the responsible thing would probably be to try and stop her, wouldn’t it?” Rainbow Dash said reluctantly, to which Pinkie Pie nodded. “Or,” Rainbow Dash said with a sly grin. “We could follow Boffinspark to Las Pegasus insead. You know, just to keep an eye on things.”
“You mean…? Road trip! I’ll go get packed!”