The Adventures of Some Messed Up Mexican in Equestria!

by a stranger

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Random
Length: 3026

The only some-what true Mexican ever used in a story. Well Mexican with autism.....The medical kind!.....I think.

This was the by-product of five things:
1) Writers block
2) Boredom
3) Lack of diversity
4) Too much seriousness
5) Those little Birthday games you see on the internet but pony based.
Join some Mexican as he goes through daily life as a freaky human being in Equestria, being with nothing but ponies and a few other things, hoping to god no pony has a gay crush on him.

Because that has happened before, and it didn't end well. In fact, it ended so badly that god himself was like "DAAAANNNGG!"
………..

There is no such thing as censorship here.

I will continue the other story till the end. But this one is just for fun. Well my fun at least. I am open to anything you have to say, even if it has nothing to do with the story. This can and probably will include all the ponies. And some other things.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-08 00:45:22 UTC

OH Such Beautiful Beginnings

Somewhere in a another dimension you are unfamiliar with.

Sometimes life can be very complicating and dare i say "Fucked up" that is what makes up our shirtless, unconscious, tied up friend here. Average height, tanned skin, funny looking scar on his left eyebrow and four head, and the words "Strange?" tattooed on his right arm. Why is he tied up by his arms over his head? Well, lets just see how his Story goes, shall we.

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As he opened his eyes to the dark room with a single light above him, the musky air filled his breath causing him to cough. Then he felt a hard cold feeling on his wrists which were for some reason above him. He lifted his head to see that his arms had been tied up in chain's "I feel as though I've been here before." He said to himself. as he attempted to pull the chains off, he became alarmed when he suddenly heard footsteps coming from the darkness. But they sounded to hard to be footsteps and sounded more like the clopping of hooves. The clopping got louder with each step and he became more and more restless.

Suddenly a figure emerged from the dark, a large red equine with a grin on his face to which the man recognized and sighed with relief. "Oh thenk god you found me, now could you get me down from these things?"  Then the pony replied "Eenope" This baffled the one tied up "No why not?" he asked growing nervous "Because why would i set you free after all the trouble it took gettin ya here in the first place." He said with Following with a sinister snicker "Why are you sweating?"  The Mexican said. but before he could say anything else he suddenly noticed the big equine licking his mouth and panting heavily with excitement. He could actually see Big's excitement growing in his eyes and in between his legs. the man suddenly panicked "Ah come on, you don't want me, i'm a guy, and there are ton of hot ass bitches out there for ya hell  even your sisters are fine, of course i have no relation to them and the fact that i mentioned the little one is gross but you get my point!" he said whimpering a little. Then suddenly the Big one put his hoof over the mans mouth and stared into his horror stricken eyes. "shh calmed down. And let my southern hospitality take your anal virginity." he said before snickering some more. He suddenly came in closer to the mans face. And the man shut his eyes tight and clenched his cheeks.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed the man as loud as he could as he sprang up from his bed. The man screamed some more " Nomorepinkbitchjuice!" he screamed in an incomprehensible language. As he calmed himself, he look down at his bed and noticed a bulge "...wait a minute?" he said. He then checked under the sheet for any disturbance. "...yep.......fuck." he said with a stern frown. He slid out of his bed and he searched his square room for something. He had closet half opened on the left side of the bed that was up against the wall, a window with light trickling through, a chair at one corner of his room and a metal Baseball bat at the other corner of his room. Finally finding what he was looking for he got up and walked over and picked up the bat that had the words "Beat the Homo?" scratched in. He then began beating himself with the bat for 10 minutes.

After his self-beating, he went over to his closet and picked out a striped gray and white cotton shirt, blue jeans and all black mid top sneakers. After slipping on his attire, he walked out his room and into his bathroom. The bathroom had a light green wall and white marble floor with white toilet and sink and one toothbrush. Along with the tooth brush he had a green comb with which he use's to set his sleek black hair back like those commercials. After his grooming, he walked down the hall and down the stairs into the kitchen. He opened his fridge and pulled out a carton of milk and a cup from the cabinets. After pouring in and relishing in the cold taste of milk, he walked to his door and pulled off the Hoodie from the coat rack. He wrapped his hand over the door knob and pushed open.

The day was bright and the sunlight kissed his tanned skin. The weather was a cool breeze, his favorite temperature that gave him a peaceful feeling. As he breathed in and welcomed the day he stretched out his arms and said "what an awesome-ass day."

He suddenly heard the yelling of three small voices in unison calling out "look out Juan!" and with out warning a wooden scooter flew in and made impact directly at the head in between his legs. The pain appeared faster then the scooter.  He grabbed his unborn children, cringed, and fell on his side in a fetal position with his hand at his injury.  As he lay on the floor trying to fight back tears, three small filly's ran towards him. The Orange one came up first " I'm so sorry Juan." She said then the white one came up " We didn't mean for the scooter to hit your fun parts." she said, then the yellow one came up  "We wanted ta see how far Scootaloo could go from the top of That hill, off that ramp." She said pointing at the hill and the ramp. Or at least what looked like a ramp. The mexican named Juan stared at the little ones with a quiver in his smile and said " I'ts alright, i wasn't even gonna do much today anyway. You little cute things are forgiven." He said as a tear dropped from his eye. Before the little ones could respond, the Mexican added one more thing "Oh and if you plan on doing this tomorrow, at least....come up with a BETTER excuse for STALKING ME!!!"

A/N: Please keep reading my other story and say what ever you like about this one. And that one if you don't mind.

Day 1, Year....What year is it?

Days like yesterday happen often to this man. Of course all sorts of things happen to everyone but at least there's a purpose for it, right? Well for this man its different: shit happens to him and his reward is more shit, literally......on his face. But he never really complained much. It was life and he planned on living it so that one day he can walk up to the gates of heaven and say "I Win DumbFucks!" and then get promptly kicked in the dick into hell. In the form of a meteor.

But for now he had to overcame an entirely new thing in life: Ponies. You'd think that these cute little mini horses wouldn't be so much of a problem right? Throw in a random ass weirdo in a cute, colorful, female populated world and, like i said before, shit happens.

Juan made his way through Canterlot feeling at peace and kind-of itchy for some reason. Even though the fancy little ponies stared at him all the time, it didn't really bother him. Usually when anyone stares at him, it's because of his bronze, Beautiful, sun-kissed skin; now they stare at him because he walks instead of trots. As he made his way through the small horses wearing fancy clothes, he found a nice little cafe and settled at a table under an umbrella. As he sat there, legs crossed and sipping a cup of tea he thought to himself, I feel French.

A couple minutes passed and he started wondering where she might be. Of course it was hard to keep concentration when all his attention was focused on a nearby mares great  booty. After being surrounded by nothing but pony for so long, a man realizes there's not really any other options. Unless of course you want giant bears, wooden dogs, bipedal dogs, dragons, flamboyant sea snakes, griffons, freaky bug ponies, donkeys, Lion-bat-scorpion things, chicken-lizard things, or mother natures bountiful basket of regular fuck-for-brains animals. It's kind-of like prison but it doesn't make your butt hurt. Although there is the occasional burnt penis, but that's what he gets for convincing an drunk dragon to suck him off.  He was a booty lover anyway so it was kind of a win-win situation. More or less.

He waited for the girl he was supposed to meet for their little meeting-why not call it a freakin tea party because that's what it is-and grew a tad bit sweaty. From out the crowed of pony he suddenly noticed a slightly long white horn. At the bottom of said horn lay a beautiful head of pink colored hair with a single white streak. Her eyes were the shade of heliotrope which matched her eye shadow. Her long svelte white body gracefully made its way to his view. Her eyes met his and they felt deep longing to be in each others embrace.

"FLEUR!"

"JUAN!"

The abnormally tall and possibly anorexic pony galloped at impossible speeds towards Juan's open arms and she jumped in and wrapped all four hooves around his body and he wrapped both arms around her waist. To them it felt like a father finally being reunited with his long lost daughter. To everypony else, it looked Hot. One pony got a boner watching.  Fleur de lis jumped off trying to reestablish her fabulous self from from the sudden outburst of excitement. Also because she felt a sudden bump in between her legs.

"For give me for forgetting my self."

"Ya good."

"Thank you, also you should take care of that lump in yo-"

"ItwastheExcitement!"

"What?"

"What." He stared wide eyed and she jumped into a chair and stared wide eyed. After about ten minutes of staring and when all the pain tears were gone she picked up and sipped on tea. Juan often wondered how he became best friends with such a fancy little thing such as Fleur, But he also wondered how the fuck ponies pick stuff up. For now he sticks with a simple explanation he theorized : They must be related to the Power Puff Girls or some fuck like that.

"So how's your boy toy doing?"

"If by boy toy, you are referring to Fancy pants then better since your little episode."

"Hey, you try dealing with waking up in another after falling asleep on a beach AFTER making love to a shark. Do you know what that does to a man?"

"Not really."

"Me neither."

He never could figure out how he made a shark fall in love with him. But did he regret it?..........No one really knows.

"Oh ese peligroso, caliente, cuerpo de pescado."

"Come again?"

"What? Oh, hold on a sec.......That was two years ago, he cant still be that damaged."

"His left eye is backwards, his teeth are still missing, his rear hooves twitch, his intestines are still bruised, and he can only speak Latin."

There was a long pause.

"He cant still be that damaged?" He said trying hard to keep his face straight.

"well you did behave rather ,oh how you say, 'batshit Insane'?"

"Like i said, Made love to a shark."

In his head, he could still remember that fateful day.

Two years ago, some tiny-ass island near Florida.

On a beach, on an isolated island, stood a single man with a towel wrapped around his waist. Yes, he was naked but he was on an island with no one else around so he didn't really give a fuck. All his cloths were in a bag near a log. Anyway, the reason he was here was because people viewed him as odd and he rather likes being on beautiful secluded islands. That, and he accidentally made love to the seventeen year old daughter of a yakuza gang lord-"She said she was twenty."-and managed to find this heap of sand and tree.

Before this, he lead a fairly normal life. He was pore though.

He tried to get jobs.

A lot.

But he could never keep them.

He was always the odd mother fucker at the store, at the theme park, at the restaurant, at the hospital, at the strip club, and at the mental institute.

Yes even clinically insane people thought he was weird. But he was smart so he didn't suffer that much. He always made sure to make some kind of money off of any job he got. He was probably the only human being to own a T.V, a fridge, and an A.C. while still living inside a box. He was also the fittest bum in the alley because when he wanted a vacation, he walked to it.

Which brings us back to this moment. As the sun neared dawn and began it's decent, Juan decided to remove the towel and sit in the water. There were no waves so he sat back and relaxed. But, as it just so happens, a female great white shark was passing by the beach. She was in heat and slightly frustrated that no male sharks were in the area. As she was gearing to leave, her eye caught sight of something near the beach. She turned and decided to slowly swim towards it. It was a naked male human. Normally she would turn and leave because humans would usually try to kill her for no reason but for some unexplained reason she felt drawn to this human. And even more strange was that not only was she drawn to him, She was suddenly and incredibly aroused by him.

Oh and Juan did notice the shark. The thing with him is that not only was he really strange, he was also once an Olympic wrestler and love fighting animals. When ever there was grizzly bear running around town, he would be the only mother fucker to run and literally Five that bear. He didn't really value life that much cause it sucked monkey balls, so moments like these were the only thing keeping him going. Of course another thought popped into his head.

His man proof.

What most people don't know and probably won't ever know was that his boner was cursed. Well more of a family curse. A pissed-as-fuck Witch was cheated on by Juan's Aztec ancestor. So she cursed the genitalia of every male in his family. Was it Erectile dysfunction? Was it Premature ejaculation? Was it spewing snakes and spiders and scorpions from one load?

No.

Instead, she cursed them with extreme attraction. Anytime any male in his family exposes their dong and bells to the open world to anything in plain sight that has, will have, or has had the ability to copulate, will be drawn to it.

Now to most men, this would be a dream come true and would pull that thing out everyday. However, they don't realize that if that thing suddenly flaunts out in a pool, then everyone would swim and try to suck you off. Men, women, Children, and even babies. Also, his family is the only one with a recorded history of males dying from over-ejaculation. Although its never happened with animals before so he didn't really think much of it.

Well, A few miles forward and three hours later, Juan and the shark he named Betsy, after some girl he found, Playing LittleBigPlanet when he was Twelve, lay asleep in warm, fishy embrace. Still attached.

Two hours later though, the island they were on was suddenly sucked up in a giant-as-fuck whirlpool. Everything was sucked in. Except the shark who was later raped and killed by Japanese sailors.

When Juan woke up, he met face to face an incredibly familiar pink pony face. It said Hi!, and He said WHAT THE FIZZITY FUCK!

As he stared at the pony he only remembered seeing as a fourteen through sixteen year old, a thought suddenly came to him. He realized he's living the reality that most bronies only hope to dream.

He was also completely naked at the time.

He then realized that he was living the reality that ALL bronies dream of.

About half a minute after she said HI the pink pony slapped him with about a dozen pounds of sugar, Poison joke, and what might have been mule semen.

The effect of said pinky brew was...well............................................................................................................................

Not many survived.

A month after the whatever-it-was wore off, He woke up in a dark room with the sun goddess. His thing was covered by a miniature iron maiden but the rest of him was exposed to the world. Celestia stared down at him with complete disgust and spoke:

"On this day we gather here to discuss this abomination's punishment, in response to the following, which i will read aloud."

She cleared her throat, held up a magic scroll, and began to read.

"Forty three accounts of first degree homicide.

Fifty accounts of second degree homicide.

Ten accounts of third degree homicide.

Sixty-nine accounts of Arson.

One-hundred accounts of armed robbery.

eighty-seven accounts of battery.

Twelve-hundred accounts of sexual assault.

Five accounts of foal abuse.

Twenty accounts of breaking and entering.

Four accounts of property damage.

Three accounts of public disruption.

Two accounts of Political assassination.

And one account of Public indecency."  She finished with a haughty spit in Juan's face.

"In this court we shall discuss what punishment is best suited for the likes of this creature. What say you in your defense foul one?"

"............One thing........Can i have some pants?"

"Oh such humble beginnings, Wouldn't you agree Juan."

"......How did you know about the island being sucked up?"

"Pinkie told me."

"oh.......remind me to slap that pink bitch later."

They returned to sipping their tea and eating the bread that someone left.

"so, how has life treated you Juan?"

"Same as usual."

A/N:

Getting fived is a wrestling term i think.