Twilight’s Romance
Authors’ Notes: O - I am very, very, very NOT SORRY about what you are about to read, enjoy. (To be honest, it’s still probably better than the real thing)
G - I, on the other hand, am extremely sorry. Have fun, kids. You knew it was coming.
N - FIRE NATION
His name was Edward Cullhooves. His slicked back bronze mane, and seemingly glittering white coat made all of the mares swoon. His eyes were like glimmering stars... they were the color of the ocean... you could be lost in their depths forever. His muscles rippled with every movement, but, you know, not, not too ripply, because that’s icky. His hooves were perfectly manicured, Twilight Sparkle would always remember the day she first caught a glimpse of this stallion of pure perfection.
Oh, that day. What a day it was. It was a sunny, shining day out in the meadow, as she picked flowers with Fluttershy for no discernible reason at school. He stood there, alone, looking glum and mopey, and totally distant and removed. He was so dreamy! His mane had flowed in the breeze, it looked as soft as silk and...
“Hey babe.” Said Mike Mane, the head of the hoofball team. “How’s it shakin’ bacon?” He directed towards Twilight Sparkle, his perfectly plucked left eyebrow raised ever so slightly, his upper lip just barely jutting out, making him look genuinely interested in how she was feeling....
Twilight Sparkle paid him little to no mind, even though he was a perfectly handsome and nice normal stallion who probably would’ve broken his own leg to get her attention. She only had eyes for the gorgeous pony in front of her eyes, she let out a gasp of surprise as the handsome pony looked her way. He had taken notice of her? No way! He was the most amazing male specimen she had ever set her eyes upon, and he was looking at her! Inside she squealed, she couldn’t wait to write to Princess Celestia about this stallion. He was just a pile of hot bun cakes on top of hot bun cakes. She couldn’t stand the heated gaze he was directing at her without feeling like a hot cake bun.
Twilight rushed home in a flurry, her flowing mane spreading out behind her as the wind lifted it off of her back. Her hooves beat against the ground as she escaped. No one seemed to question why she left before school was out, or even why she was at school in the first place. The point was that she was home now, relaxing in bed and reading a good book. That good book happened to be her diary. After rifling through her previous passages, Twilight started writing about that dreamy boy. Also, she failed a math test because she left school, but SWEET MOTHER OF CELESTIA WAS THAT BOY HAWT.
Twilight sighed and leaned her head to the side while she dreamed of how amazing he was. Her purple and pink locks flowed in the wind that had somehow suddenly appeared in her room as fairies danced around her brain making her hear a sweet angel song of love. She tried to convince herself that a look didn’t mean anything, that he could’ve been staring Fluttershy, or even just looking at her kind-of lazy eye, but she was quite intuitive about love, even though she had not noticed the advances of Mike Mane throughout the whole day, and felt that there was a connection between them, she’d have to find out later, if there was.
Closing her eyes, Twilight slipped into a restful, dream-filled sleep. She dreamed of soup and hot bun cakes... also Edward Cullhooves. But mostly soup and hot bun cakes.
It was a new morning in Ponyville, and it was time for Twilight Sparkle to head back to school (for what reason we still have no idea why, probably to get some hot bun cakes, and possibly catch a glimpse of Edward Cullhooves). She grabbed all her stuff and headed out the door, telling Spike to keep watch of the place.
Waiting for her, at the entrance to school, was none other than Edward Cullhooves, the dreamy hot bun cake himself, in the flesh... but standing next to him was none other than the schoolgirl bully herself, Jessiflank (or as the school knows her by her nickname, Skankflank)!
Twilight seethed with rage, stomping a hoof on the ground in her pure anger. She shook her head, still not able to fully comprehend what she saw. “Edward... with that... ARGH!” She growled, standing on her hind legs and making such a display of angry magic that she accidentally electrocuted a nearby timber wolf, who was also attending the school for some reason.
Still angry and confused, Twilight flipped her mane and cut off the magical electricity stuff, turning her head to the timber wolf. “Hi, I’m Twilight. You’re my new boyfriend now.” She walked over to the timber wolf and placed a front leg around the poor, confused thing’s shoulders.
“What’s your name?” She asked, standing in silence for a moment, waiting for an answer. “That’s a stupid name. You’re Jacob now.” With her hoof around his shoulder she walked up to Edward Cullhooves, cooing over her Jacob-Wacob, making sure to toss her full mane of hair behind her in a fluttering wave of pink and purple, batting her eyelashes. The wolf, still dazed and confused, had no choice but to go along, or else the mare might unleash her unholy powers upon his poor self.
Edward Cullhooves snorted in anger, he had only hung out with Skankflank to make Twilight Sparkle jealous, but instead of being jealous she had decided to date a timber wolf over him! Of course, it could be worse, she could have dated the PERFECTLY GOOD-LOOKING AND NORMAL MIKE MANE. He pushed away Skankflank and walked over to the girl and her wolf-toy.
“Um, excuse me.” He said, trying to sound shy but not too shy, so he could impress the unicorn. “I just noticed that you have in interest in someone else than me and that gets me mad so if you could ditch this guy and date me instead I promise to never let you make your own decisions and put your life in danger constantly.”
Twilight flung herself upon Edward Cullhooves. “Oh, my love! I have waited for you to say that all my short life! Jacob, get out of here. You suck, no one likes you.”
The timberwolf walked off, and some say he was so traumatized by the events he became a pedophile and fell in love with a child.
So, our... ‘heroes’ lived happily ever after, forever united in ‘love’... UNTIL THE FIRE NATION ATTACKED! You see, Edward Cullhooves had not told Twilight about his sordid past with a fire nation pony named Victoria ScarySparks, and so when she and her relatives came to wreak their vengeance and scorch all of the ponies in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle was taken by surprise. She used all of her magic to try to save as much of Edward Cullhoove’s perfect bod as she could, but in the end it came at a dear price, and she lost her life.
“Nooooooooooooooooo!” Edward Cullhooves cried as he fell, “My perfectly manicured hooves, and my dear Twilight is dead!” His tears over Twilight Sparkle and his manicure were so pure and filled with sorrow that it stopped the great fire the Fire Nation had spread across Ponyville.
The tears fell in such glorious waves that the pain and death of the Fire Nation was washed away forever, flushed out to sea. And you know, they died. Fire plus water kind of doesn’t mix, you know?
In the background Mike Mane, the perfectly normal and good looking pony shook his head, “Knew it.”
Edward Cullhooves was taken back by Jessiflank (after he got his perfect manicure back), and all was to be happy.
The End
