Pick-axe Man 3: To Hell and Back
Steve slammed his pick-axe into the castle wall before pulling himself up with a simultaneous effort of pushing with his feet and pulling with his arm. Pulling his other pick-axe out, he slammed it back down into the wall a few feet higher.
And of course, he sang as he did so.
“Oh, I’ve, been climbing up your caaaaastle,
You, can suck my diiiick!
I’ve, been climbing up your caaaaastle,
And I’m messin’ up your bricks,
Hey!!”
“Don’t take another pick, Pick-axe Man!” A voice shouted from his right, interrupting the Crafter’s singing. Looking to his side, he saw a strikingly familiar guard glaring at him from the nearby window.
Steve smirked and saluted the guard. “Ah, top of the morning to ya, Generic Royal Guard!”
“This is the last time you pick-axe your way up Canterlot Castle, buckhead!!” The guard shouted, lifting up a water gun in his hooves.
“Holy shit, is that a water gun?! Dear Notch, man, you’re insane!!” Steve yelled.
“There’s more to it!!”
Steve chuckled. “Let me guess, you filled it with piss!”
The guard didn’t respond, instead continuing to glare at the Crafter. Steve’s smirk dropped in horror and he released his grip on one of his pick-axes to withdraw his shield, holding it between him and the guard.
“Holy shit, you did fill it with piss?!”
“It’s filled with a concoction I had a friend of mine whip up so I can end this shit-show once and for all!!” Reaching down, the guard brought a bottle, which was filled with a green liquid, into view. “BAM!! The Instant Brick Repair Brew!!”
Steve stared at the guard with a deadpan expression for a few moments before speaking.
“And what exactly is that supposed to do?!”
“It repairs imperfections in the brick-work, particularly where your pick-axes have made holes!!”
Steve scoffed. “That’s it!? That lame!!”
The guard scowled. “I’ll show you what’s lame!!” He pumped up the water gun a few times before pulling the trigger. The green liquid shot out, missing Steve by quite a lot. Both guard and Crafter looked down before Steve glanced back up at the stallion with a grin.
“Pfft. Dumbass.”
“Sweet Celestia.” The guard muttered under his breath as he rolled his comically large eyes. Stepping down, he trotted out of view before appearing at a different window, this one much closer than the last, glaring at the Crafter with a deadpan expression. Pumping the water gun a few more times, he shot it at Steve, this time managing to coat both him and the wall he was hanging from.
Only a moment later, the various holes in the brick-work magically filled themselves in, pushing the diamond pick-axes out and sending them, as well as the Crafter holding onto them, falling.
“Whoaa, shit!!”
Working fast, Steve equipped his elytra and used them, the gray, leathery wings spread wide as the Crafter began to glide down to safety.
“Haha!! Fuck you!!” The guard yelled.
Steve immediately glared over his shoulder at the stallion, not seeing the rather busy road directly in his flight path. “Fuck you, I’ll be back!!”
“And I’ll be ready for ya, you…” The guard’s grin dropped from his face. “Uh, you’re heading towards the main road!!”
Steve didn’t break eye contact with the guard. “Fuck the main road!! You can’t kill Pick-axe Man!! Look at me g…!!”
The Crafter didn’t have the chance to finish his statement, since he was too busy being slammed into by a pony-drawn carriage at full speed. Steve’s body rag-dolled, flying through the air before smacking into the cobblestone street with an audible ‘Crack!’ Another carriage then crashed into him, picking him up before slamming into the back of the stopped carriage just ahead, crushing the Crafter’s body between the two. Then, just to add insult to injury, both carriages caught fire.
The guard stared at the scene in horror, sweat beginning to form on his brow. After a moment of hesitation, he threw the water gun out the window and ran off.
Tarturus
The next thing Steve knew, he was lying on something hard, like stone. Groaning, he rubbed a hand against his face before opening his eyes. After blinking a few times, his eyes widened. Shooting to his feet, he looked around at his surroundings, a hellish landscape meeting his gaze.
“What the…?” He muttered to himself, before he noticed a shadow slowly rising from behind him. Turning around, his eyes widened at what he saw.
It was a centaur, Steve knew that much from the mythology book he’d ‘borrowed’ from Twilight’s library a while back. The pony half had black fur and white hooves with a similarly colored tail. The chest, however, had red fur, most of which was covered by a pitch-black shirt. He had a white beard and mohawk, and large gray horns jutting out on either side of his head. Frankly, it was a terrifying sight, causing Steve to take a step back.
After a moment, it spoke in a deep and powerful voice.
“Greetings, evil on-!!”
“Where am I?!” Steve yelled, interrupting the centaur.
“Uh, Greetings, evil one!! Welcome to your eternal damnation!!”
“Dear Notch!!”
“For your many misdeeds, you will suffer everlasting pain for a thousand lives!!”
“My gods!!”
“You shall begin with a hundred years in the Pit of Fire!!”
“Oh Jeb!!”
The centaur scowled at the Crafter. “Okay, can you stop with all the ‘gods’ talk?” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “We, uh, we don’t do that here.”
Steve glared at the centaur. “Oh, well excuuuuse me, Beardo!! It’s not like I want to be here!!”
The centaur stomped his hooves. “Enough!! Bow before me heathen and face my wra-!!”
“Hey, what’s that!!?” Steve yelled, pointing up at the swirling portal of purple directly above him. Glancing up, Beardo saw what the Crafter was pointing at.
“That is the gateway through which the evil and damned arrive. You died, and uh, came through that thing.” Only a moment later, a green stallion with a rather obvious come-over fell through, slamming into the ground next to Steve.
“Hi, welcome to Tartarus, enjoy your punishment.” The centaur spoke in a bored, monotone voice. The stallion ran off crying, Steve staring after him as he ran before looking back at the centaur.
“Well, what happens if I go back through it?”
“Ha! No creature can return to the world of the living!!” The centaur proclaimed with a cocky smirk.
“Not even if I go back through it!?” Steve asked.
The centaur suddenly seemed less cocky. “Well, you can’t do that.”
“Why not!?”
The centaur poked his front hooves together in an unsure manner. “You’re not supposed to.”
The two stood staring at each other for a few moments, neither speaking. Eventually, Steve broke the silence.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean!?”
“You have no choice in this matter!!” The centaur roared. “You will face your punishments accordingly to pay for your-!”
*Clunk!*
*Clunk!*
“What are you doing?” The centaur asked, confused.
“Got bored.” Steve responded, already climbing up a stone pillar behind him. “Fuck you, I’m leaving!”
“But you’re not supposed-!”
“Fuck your shit and fuck Tarturus!! I’m Pick-axe Man!!”
“You can’t just leave, you died!!” The centaur argued.
“Death can suck my ass!!” Steve shouted, pointing a finger at the centaur. “You can’t kill me!!”
“But you died!!”
“But I’ll get out!!”
“Still died!” The centaur spoke with a tone of finality.
Steve sputtered, trying to conjure an argument. “Well, well, at least I don’t look like an off-brand goat demon!!”
The centaur gasped, glaring at the Crafter with wide eyes. “How dare you speak to me in this manner!!? I am Lord Tirek! I am the Harbinger of All Evil!! You’re in my realm, baby, so you will bow to me or face the consequences!!”
Steve, now much further up the stone pillar, turned to look at the centaur. “Fuck you!!”
“Fuck you!!”
“Fuck you!!”
“Fuck you!!”
“Fuck you too!!”
“Fuck you three!!”
“I said it first, so you’re the most fucked!!” Steve yelled, grinning victoriously.
“Damn it.” Tirek muttered to himself.
“Boom! Me:1, Tirek:0!!”
“Well, you’re stuck in Tartarus, so let’s call it even between us.”
“Cool!! I’m buddies with a demon!! Can we team up!?” Steve asked.
“Wait, no!”
“Fine, then I’m leaving!!” Steve yelled, pointing up at the portal gateway above him.
“Also no!” Tirek yelled, eyes narrowed.
“Then we’re teaming up!!” Steve yelled, guitar already in hand. “Hey, I wrote us a friendship song!!”
“Get off that pillar!!” Tirek growled, the space between his horns glowing as a yellow ball of magic formed.
“It goes a little something like this.” Steve brought down his hand and strummed the strings.
Only for Tirek to shoot a beam of magic at him, utterly destroying the guitar in his hands.
“Whoa, hey!!” Steve cried out in surprise. He and Tirek stared at each other for a moment, as Steve slowly rubbed the bottom of his boots with a small slimy green ball. Then, he withdrew a second guitar before slamming the bottom of his feet into the pillar. Then, much to Tirek’s surprise, they stuck there, allowing Steve to release his grip on the diamond pick-axes fully, now held on only by his feet. Taking a step forward, he let a green footstep behind, residue from the slime ball he was using to keep himself stuck to the pillar.
“Eat, a, dick! That’s right, go eat a dick!!” Steve sung, strumming his guitar as he walked straight up the rock-face. Tirek’s eyes widened and he began shooting rapid beams of magic at the Crafter. “Go eat a dick! Dick! Dick! Go eat, a big ol’ dick!!” Fortunately, for whatever reason, every magic shot missed as the Crafter ran up the pillar, strumming his guitar and singing the whole way. “Go eat a dick!!” He played his harmonica for a few seconds before jumping back through the gateway, leaving Tirek by himself once more.
“You eat a dick, you little…” The centaur muttered unintelligibly, stalking off.
Equestria
The same Royal Guard who had made Steve fall now stood in the middle of the road, talking to another Royal Guard. Several Guards in the back looked at the white sheet that covered the body of the fallen Crafter.
“I tried to warn him that he was gliding towards the main road, but he passed it off, saying something like, ‘fuck the main road, you can’t kill Pick-axe Man.’”
In the back, Steve twitched and sat up, causing the Royal Guards who’d been looking at him to back up in horror.
“Also the, ‘Look at me go!’ at the end there!” He said, smirking.
The guard nodded, without thinking. “Yeah, yeah, he also said to ‘Look at him g-’ Shit!!” He yelled, glaring at Steve.
The Crafter walked over at pointed at the stallion. “Guards, arrest this pony for attempted murder and negilence of duty.”
A nearby guard deadpanned at Steve. “Yeah, we know who you are, and we’re not doing that.”
Steve nodded in agreement. “Fair enough. Same time next week, Generic Royal Guard?”
“Go to Tartarus!!”
Steve chuckled and waved him off. “Trust me. I’m way ahead of you!”
[Generic Laugh Track]
The guard lifted up his water gun, still glaring at Steve, and shot him point blank with the green liquid inside.
Steve grit his teeth and rubbed his face for a moment. “Ugh. You dick.”
Author's Note
Not gonna lie, the mental image of Steve calling Tirek "Beardo", made me laugh.
