100 things the crusaders are no longer allowed to do

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Alternate Universe, Narcotics, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Horror, Other, Scootaloo, Adventure, Sex, Gore, Violence
Length: 1584

Arson, murder, rampage, oh my! What WON'T these girls do to get a Cutie mark? Let's find out!

Arson, murder, rampage, oh my! What WON'T these girls do to get a Cutie mark? Let's find out!

Published 2019-09-05 10:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-05 10:00:01 UTC

It begins...

Tales of the Falls

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

...III...

Slenderman sighed as he viewed yet another crossover universe, where once again. Applebloom tries to escape Diamond Tiara's Cutescenera, only for her Big sister to stop her, push her back inside like an oblivious moron, while she blabbed about 'being right' like an even MORE oblivious moron.

"̸L̴e̵t̸ ̷m̸e̶ ̶g̶u̷e̴s̴s̶?̶ ̶T̴h̸e̶ ̶c̴r̶o̶s̸s̶o̷v̸e̶r̶ ̶g̶u̶e̸s̵t̶ ̶i̴s̴ ̸d̸o̴i̶n̵g̶ ̵n̷o̶t̷h̶i̴n̶g̷?̵ ̷N̶o̵,̶ ̶o̴f̸ ̶c̸o̴u̶r̶s̵e̶ ̸n̴o̷t̸.̶ ̸H̶e̵a̶v̵e̷n̴ ̴f̷o̶r̸b̷i̵d̴ ̷h̷e̷ ̵d̴o̶ ̶s̸o̸m̸e̸t̴h̶i̵n̵g̸ ̴h̸e̵r̶o̴i̶c̶ ̷a̵n̵d̷ ̷m̴a̸k̴e̵ ̶h̸i̸s̵ ̷p̴r̸e̷s̸e̴n̶c̷e̵ ̷m̷e̸a̸n̵ ̶s̴o̷m̷e̸t̵h̴i̴n̷g̸ ̴o̵t̵h̸e̵r̶ ̶t̷h̵e̷n̴ ̵j̶u̵s̵t̷ ̸s̷t̸a̴n̸d̶i̷n̶g̷ ̴a̵r̵o̵u̵n̴d̴ ̴a̵n̷d̴ ̴g̸a̴w̴k̸i̸n̷g̷ ̵l̸i̵k̴e̶ ̶a̵ ̷m̷o̵r̶o̸n̸.̵"̴

He then switches off his glitch-speak, sets fire to Ponyville and heads off to the next universe.

He glares as the same scene plays out. "That's it! I'm taking matters into my own hands!"

...

Applejack continued to push the struggling Applebloom inside, "See! I told you! If you just-

CRACK!

Applejack cried out in pain as something slammed into her with enough forces to slam her through three brick walls and an oak tree. Applebloom, finally without obstruction successfully runs outside...just as the destruction of the three load-bearing walls caused the bakery to collapse on a spoiled pink filly...and everyone else...

Applebloom looked at all this speechless-

POOF!

Suddenly two blank flanked fillies appear to either side of her, also just as confused. After some talking, they become friends-

"THERE!" Snaps an annoyed Slenderman at the other creators/readers, while turning his glitch-speak back on to dull the 'rant-buzz'. "̵W̶a̶s̸ ̴t̸h̴a̴t̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶h̷a̴r̴d̶?̴ ̷S̸w̵e̸e̸t̶ ̶m̵e̵r̵c̴y̷,̸ ̴i̵n̴f̵i̵n̴i̴t̴e̸ ̴i̴m̷a̴g̵i̸n̵a̸t̸i̴o̵n̴ ̶m̶y̴ ̴s̶w̴e̷e̵t̷ ̸p̴i̴t̸o̵o̸t̸i̷e̵!̶ ̷O̴h̷, ̷'l̶e̴t̸'̸s̴ ̸a̶l̶l̸ ̷b̷e̸ ̸g̵o̷o̴d̴ ̷a̷u̸t̸o̷m̷a̴t̴o̶n̵s̸ ̴a̸n̴d̴ ̴b̶l̵i̸n̵d̶l̸y̶ ̷c̵o̸p̴y̶ ̵e̸v̷e̸r̵y̶t̷h̸i̴n̷g̴ ̵f̸r̸o̵m̶ ̸c̵a̴n̶n̴o̷n̸ ̸e̸v̵e̵n̸ ̴t̶h̷o̸u̷g̶h̸ ̴t̶h̷a̵t̴ ̷c̷o̸m̶p̷l̴e̸t̷e̴l̶y̸ ̶d̶e̶f̶e̵a̸t̸s̸ ̸t̴h̸e̵ ̶p̷u̷r̵p̷o̷s̷e̸ ̸o̸f̷ ̸f̸a̸n̷n̴o̵n̵'! ̴I̷f̶ ̷I̷ ̴w̶a̶n̷t̶e̴d̷ ̵c̸a̴n̵n̵o̸n̴,̵ ̸I̶ ̷w̸o̷u̷l̸d̸ ̵j̵u̶s̵t̵ ̷w̸a̴t̴c̷h̶e̸d̸ ̵C̶a̷n̶n̶o̸n̵!̸"

The eldritch being takes a deep breath and shuts off his glitch speak once more, "Okay, rant over. Out of my system, time to make a pest of myself! Suddenly, where once the creature stood was now a young, dark-grey colt...who gave a laugh and vanished in a flash of flame.

...

Since almost the entire class was at Diamond Tiara's party, class was suspended for a few weeks while everyone recuperated at the hospital. During which, the cutie mark crusaders had plenty of time to bond and search for their elusive cutie marks...needless to say, ponies were already starting to be wary of them...

And it was only going to get worse...

Mrs. Cheerelie clopped her hoof to bring class to order. "Okay, girls and boys I'm glad were all back! Now we have a lot of work to make up so let's-

CRACK!

Everyone turns as a door is thrown open to reveal a dark-grey, earth pony colt with no cutie mark. "Hello, I'm your new student!" Says the colt as he comes in. "New Student?" Asked Cheerelie confused, "But I didn't receive anything about a-

"Sure you did." Said the colt as he slammed his hoof to the ground. Suddenly the teachers eye's went blank, "Yes, of course. How could I forget? Class this is Stanley LENDERMAN. Treat him well." She said in a monotone voice before going back to work.

This sudden change of attitude confused several students but quickly shrugged it off as the new foal came forward.

Diamond rolls her eye's, "Great, another Blank Flank."

'Stanley', says nothing, he just slams one of his hooves down very hard. Suddenly the whole school was shaking!

GAH!

Diamond screamed in pain as a boulder shoot out of the ground and slammed into her labia, she fell to the ground clutching her groin in agony.

"Whoa! That was some freak earthquake, huh?" Shouted Stanley nonchalantly. He slammed his hoof down again. "AFTERSHOCK!" He shouted as yet another quake occurred, slamming yet another boulder into Diamonds face. knocking out several of her teeth!

...

Between concern for more earthquakes and the need to get Diamond to the hospital fast class was once again cancelled. While everyone was heading home, the CMC were quick to find the new blank flank and introduce themselves.

"Were the cutie mark crusaders! What do you say to joining us and finding your true purpose in life!?" Exclaimed Applebloom excited.

"I'd say I was Skeptical yet intrigued." Said Stanley flatly. "That's...sorta the spirit", said Scootaloo slightly thrown by the contradictory statement.

They quickly took him to their treehouse and showed him all the things they had planned to do!" "We got hula-dancing, hang-gliding, bowling-

Stanley chuckled and put a hoof on her shoulder, interrupting her. "Girls, girls. I like your enthusiasm. I like your...capes." He said that last bit reluctantly as he lifts their cape up a bit. "But I feel like your going about this the wrong way."

"Really? How do you mean?" Asked Sweetiebell confused.

Stanley chuckles, "My dear girls, the fact that instead of getting 'marked' with the rest of your age group tells me that Destiny has something SPECIAL in mind for you."

"REALLY!?" Exclaims the cutie mark crusaders excited.

"Yes, unfortunately this has a drawback, as if truly your cutiemarks are unique and important that means the normal methods of getting a mark just ain't gonna cut it- pauses to kick their bulletin board containing all their ideas out the window for emphasis -Oh, no, no. Clearly, We need to go off the beaten path for this."

"Like how?" Asked Scootalo.

Stanley smirked, with a clop of his hoof. The room briefly goes dark. Once back on, he's on top of a flight of stairs, tophat and cane in hand...he then descends while singing...

I've seen 'em come, and I've seen 'em go
There's one thing that I know
You gotta give the people what they want

He boops the girls on the nose-

Or you'll wind up some so-name schmuck in pokanose Neighpony!

"But...we live in Ponyville." Said Applebloom confused.

"And that I don't think that's even a real place." Points out Sweetiebell.

Stanley gives a dismissive wave of his hoof-

Whatever...

He starts to dance again-

They like it big, they like it loud
Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes
Sweet CMC, listen to me
You don't have to be good, but you had better be-

BOOM!

Smoke explodes and he ends up behind them while their startled.

Big and loud, big and loud
Wanna make your momma's proud?

BOOM!

Fireworks go off-

Make it big

BOOM!

And

BOOM!

Loud!

BOOM!

He finishes with a splitz complete with jazz hands.

The CMC clops in applause, "Yeah! That was great!...but that doesn't really explain what you want us to do though..." Points out Applebloom.

Stanley face-plants...

...several minutes of quick improve later...

"Look, it's very simple. I've taken the biggest, grandest, most exotic, most downright esoteric words I could find. Put them on sheets of paper and put them in this box." Pulls up said box.

"Esoteric?" Asked Scotaloo. "A word intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest." Explained Sweetiebell.

"Yes, and the best thing about this whole process is that Were basically putting this in destiny's hands, and since that's what decides who gets what cutiemark and when. Why were more or less cutting out the middle man here!" Explained Stanley.

"YAAY!" Shouts the Crusaders as the reach in and pull out their first 'quest'.

"HOORAY! CUTIEMARK CRUSADER STALLION CASTRATION EXPERTS!" They exclaim.

"Wait, what's castration?" Asked Applebloom. "Oh, it's a bit technical. Leave the technical bits to me. In summary: it's a VERY important health issue in regards to stallions."

"Wait, dose that mean I should do it to my older brother?" Asked Applebloom curious.

"Why not? In fact, let's do the entire town tonight! Give all the stallions a surprise for the morning!

"HOOORAY!" Shouts the crusaders as the trot out to get ready.

'Stanley' laughs and turns to the reader. "Ain't I a stinker?"

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

AN: The song is a parody of 'Big and Loud' from 'Cat's don't dance'.

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!

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Author's Note

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...

https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

Above is a link to amazon for my book

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book

https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

Above is a link to Xilbris for my book

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373

Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book

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Above is a link to my Linkedin account

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.......

If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

...

AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account

Love me, flame me, review me