Passes, Please

by TheDriderPony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other
Length: 1005

Twilight and Spike attempt to enter a building, but are unexpectedly blocked by the unapologetic forces of pedantic bureaucracy.

After years of tireless work for the good of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle is finally getting her just rewards: a hall named after her in the Royal Canterlot Library!

However she's about to find that earning the honor was a cakewalk compared to trying to actually get there to accept it.

Winner of the August 1000 Word Challenge, written around the prompt words "Denied" and "Accidental". Some slight edits were made post-contest, but the length has been preserved.

Edit: Some people have pointed out the similarity of one of the jokes to a comic made by Glanco Justicar. While this was not intentional, I like to take it as evidence that great minds think alike.

Published 2019-09-06 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-06 02:40:01 UTC

No Admittance Without Identification

"Can you believe it?" Twilight gushed as she practically floated down the corridor on a cloud of bliss. "My own wing in the Royal Canterlot Library!"

"I'd say it's overdue," Spike added. "Between everything you've done as a princess and all the new spells you've created, naming a library wing after you seems like the least they could do."

"You may have a point." She picked up her pace. "Still, we'd better hurry. I want to go over my speech once more before the ceremony starts."

"The five times on the train weren't enough?"

"You can never have too much preparation."

They rounded a corner and came upon the employee entrance to the library. Unusually, there was a security pony blocking it. He was an earth pony stallion with a tan uniform and a face that looked like it'd been carved from a boulder, badly.

"No admittance," he groused as they approached with a tone that sounded like he felt he'd said the phrase far too many times already. "Public entrance for the ceremony is around front."

Though she was glad to see someone take their job seriously, Twilight had no time to waste. "Oh, I'm not a guest. I-"

"Show me your press pass then."

Her eyebrow twitched at the interruption. She didn't usually like to rely on her fame, but most ponies could at least recognize her on sight by now. But maybe he was tired. Or perhaps her mane was unrecognizably messy. "No, I don’t think you understand. I'm Twilight Sparkle." She paused. No reaction. "The princess? The one they're naming the wing for?"

"In that case,"--Twilight sighed in relief--"Then I'm going to need to see a VIP pass."

Oh! She had one of those. It was right... where it wasn't. "I... accidentally left it at home," she admitted, her cheeks tinged with crimson embarrassment.

The guard was unmoved by her plight. "Then your entry is denied. No admittance without a pass."

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike tried to get her attention.

"Not now." There was no time for quibbling about passes; Twilight could practically hear the clock ticking down with every second she wasted there. She gave the guard her best Princessly-Look-of-Authority, just like she’d been practicing in the mirror. "Sir, I appreciate that you're just trying to do your job, and I commend you for your devotion to your duty, but I need to get inside: I'm delivering the speech for the event! So please stand asi-"

"Then I'll need to see a pass."

"Oh for crying out- will a library card work?" She cried and practically threw it in his face. At this rate, there wasn't going to be time to rehearse! She’d have to walk in and deliver the speech right away.

He glanced at it, then back at her, neither his tone nor expression shifting an inch. "Nice try. But I don't see any wings in this picture."

"Twilight..." Spike tugged her mane insistently.

"What?!" she snapped, rounding on him.

"Twilight," he deadpanned, "you can teleport."

Twilight blinked, sighed, and then vanished in a flash of light. Neither Spike nor the stoic guard spoke for several minutes of excruciatingly awkward silence. Finally, Twilight returned triumphantly and waved another card on a lanyard in the guard's unflinching face. "There, see? I went all the way home and got it. Princess Twilight Sparkle. VIP."

The guard took the card and studied it carefully. He stared at it, unblinking, for nearly a full minute as Twilight became ever more angsty and impatient. Just when she was about to check if time had truly frozen, he reached a decision. "Yes, everything seems to be in order." He stepped aside and began to open the door. "Enjoy the-"

At that moment, the Canterlot bell tower chimed three o’clock. In the same instant, with three motions perfectly synced to the chiming of the bell, the guard closed the door, latched it, and stepped back into place. "No admittance after the event has started. No exceptions."

The ends of Twilight's mane began to curl and smoke as manic fire danced behind her eyes. This stallion… Doing his job or not, he had delayed her, ignored her, and purposefully stalled for time until the very last possible moment. This went beyond adherence to duty, this was a malicious compliance to the rules! He was making a mockery of the rules, and of her, all for a brief moment of amusement!

Steam began to billow from Twilight’s ears as she got properly incensed. She was going to be writing such a letter to his superior officer after the ceremony was over. Actually… no. She was a princess now. In a way, she was his superior officer. Which meant she could dole out retribution directly and without consequence. Oh, it was a fine day for righteous vengeance! She opened her mouth and-

Spike pulled her mane again, cutting her off pre-tirade.

"What?!"

"Twilight, deep breaths." He gave her a hard look until she compiled. When she finally did, he continued. "If you'd let me finish. You can teleport...inside the library.”

For the second time, Twilight stopped and blinked as her mind caught up. She shot the guard a devilish grin. “You’ll be hearing from me later,” she promised and then vanished in a flash of light, taking Spike with her.

Sticking true to his guns, the guard did not react, remaining as stoic and expressionless as the rock he was probably birthed from. After a moment, his body collapsed and fell to pieces like a snapped necklace. The freed components quickly reassembled themselves into a lankier and far less equine form.

"Well, that was amusing." Discord chuckled as he screwed his horns back on. "I just hope I bought Luna enough time to switch the plaques. Especially now that Twilight’s angry enough to not look too closely before reading.” He giggled madly to himself. “Oh-hohohoho... I can’t wait to see Twilight's face when she thinks her named wing is the library's new erotica section!"