Deep in the heart of the Donkey Swamp, Daring Do was almost ready to give up. It was hot, she was sweaty, and there were exotic bugs attacking any bit of exposed flesh they could find.
It didn’t help that her number one fan had tagged along even after Daring ordered her to go home. She loved Rainbow Dash, she really did, but that mare made adventuring feel more akin to babysitting a foal with a sugar allergy in a candy store.
“Hey Daring, is this poisonous?”
While juggling knives.
“It tastes poisonous.”
During an earthquake.
“No, Rainbow Dash,” she sighed. “That’s a dingleberry. They’re gross, but harmless.” Unfortunately. “Keep an eye out for more of them. We’re close.”
The blue pegasus threw up a hasty salute and started scanning the surrounding vegetation. Dingleberry trees only grew in a very specific part of the swamp. According to myth, Captain Bugger’s booty was buried between three of those trees.
After another hour of flying, Daring spotted a welcome sight: solid land. Amidst the unwinnable guessing game of water and mud, an island of rocky dirt sat proud and dry.
“Dash, over here!” she called. “We got land!”
The pair landed heavily on their hooves, stretching their sore muscles. A well-deserved pop from each wing joint made Daring breathe a long sigh of relief.
For her part, Rainbow Dash was holding up better than expected. Despite being a sprinter, she showed a surprising amount of discipline by keeping her pace slow enough for distance flying.
“All right! So where‘s the treasure?” She turned to Daring with an eager look.
Daring dropped her saddlebags to the ground and took out a shovel head and three short wooden poles. As she screwed the handle together, she took note of her surroundings. A small pit formed in her gut as she realized the island was covered in dingleberry trees. It looked impossible to find the right spot.
“We might need to mark this area so we can see it from the air. I don’t want to have to search all over again when I come back.”
“When we come back,” Dash said proudly. “But why would we need to come back, anyway? Let’s just find the treasure and go.”
“It’s not that simple,” Daring sighed. “We’ll have to dig at every point between three trees.” She gestured around her. “There could be hundreds of spots like that, and I don’t even know how deep we need to dig.”
Dash looked perplexed for a moment. “Why can’t we just check that giant hole?” she said, pointing to the middle of the island.
“What giant ho-“ Daring Do turned around. “-oly mother of Celestia.”
It was huge. She didn’t know how she missed it before. Smack in the middle of the island, nestled squarely between three ancient-looking trees, a gaping hole split the earth. As she slowly approached the edge, she could see the telltale glimmer of gold at the bottom.
“Ye best be leavin’ me booty hole alone, lassies.”
Daring froze in her tracks. That cold, echoey voice could only come from one source. She jumped back, placing a protective wing in front of Rainbow Dash.
“Show yourself, ghost!” she yelled.
In front of the hole, a pale blue figure rose from the ground. It had the shape of a large, battle worn changeling—three legs had been replaced with pegs, one eye was missing, and a triangular hat rested on its head.
“Captain Bugger,” Daring whispered.
“Oh? Ye know me, do ya?” Captain Bugger laughed. “Then ye should know I don’t take kindly to thieves.”
“It’s not stealing if you’re dead!” Dash yelled.
The ghostly changeling leveled a bored stare at her. “And I suppose ye think I’ll just let the both o’ yous plunder me booty hole, then?”
“Yes!”
“Haha, I like this one! She’d have made a fine member o’ me crew.”
Daring resisted the urge to bang her forehead against a tree. Instead, she took out her Exorcism To GoTM kit and started fiddling with the instruction manual.
“Whatcha got there, lassie?” Captain Bugger sounded amused.
“You’ll find out,” she said, squinting at the tiny paper. “I just have to... figure this out first.”
“I’m shakin’ in me boots.”
“Liar!” Dash yelled. “You’re not wearing boots!”
Captain Bugger floated closer to Daring.
“Is she, uh...” he whispered, making a vague gesture with a peg leg. “Ye know what I mean?”
She knew exactly what he meant, but refused to acknowledge it. The Exorcism To GoTM kit was finally ready, so she locked eyes with the dead bug pirate and pumped the holy water gun.
“Your booty hole is mine,” she growled.
“Not so fast, Daring Do,” a familiar voice said from the trees above. Ahuizotl dropped to the ground, his signature ugliness squished into something resembling a smirk. “That’s my booty hole!”
“Not you again,” Daring groaned. “I’m not in the mood right now, Ahuizotl.”
“What’s the matter,” he uglied, “afraid of being defeated in front of your girlfriend?”
“She’s more like an unwanted pet, to be honest.”
“Hey!”
“No offense.”
“All o’ yous can heck off!” Captain Bugger yelled. “This booty hole is mine and mine alone! I ain’t lettin’ some wenches and an ugly monkey thing have their way with it!”
Daring took the opening to spray the ghost with holy water. He wailed in pain as his ethereal form started dissolving into mist.
“No, please!” he cried. “Please don’t ravage me booty hole!” His final words faded away with the rest of his body. The last to go was his ghostly hat.
“And then what happened?” Twilight asked, barely containing her excitement.
Rainbow Dash leaned her chair back. “After that, we beat up Uglyzotl, grabbed the treasure, and flew home.”
Twilight paused. “But I didn’t see any treasure with you.”
“Yeah, about that,” Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Turns out the “treasure” was just a bunch of hundred year old chocolate coins.”
“In a swamp?” Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, they were all melted when I tried eating one.”
“You ate one?! That’s disgusting!” Twilight’s disgust quickly morphed into curiosity “...What did it taste like?”
“Honestly?” Dash shrugged. “It tasted like ass.”
Author's Note
I’m a child, yes
