Sunbutt, Moonbutt, Sparklebutt, I Have Questions (E-Rated Version)

by ThePinkedWonder

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4033

After finding himself in the Royal Castle, a brony asks three Princesses questions. None are about how to get home.

When an "unknown being" is discovered near Canterlot, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna send Princess Twilight Sparkle to find and bring it to the Royal Castle.

The "being" turned out to be a "brony", who somehow ended up in Equestria. When offered the chance to ask questions, he takes it by asking a lot of questions. None are about how to get back to his world, but they instead are about the trio's "questionable" moments.

He might be surprised by what he'll get for asking those questions...

This is an "E" rated version of my "Sunbutt, Moonbutt, Sparklebutt, I have Questions" story. This will have a different ending than the "original" version does.

Here's the link to the original "T" rated version of "Sunbutt, Moonbutt, Sparklebutt, I Have Questions" if you'll want to check it out and haven't read it already.

Sunbutt, Moonbutt, Sparklebutt, I Have Questions

Published 2019-09-12 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-12 00:20:01 UTC

Questions, Many, Many Questions

Why do Princess Celestia and Princess Luna want only me? They usually call for my friends too. I know that they said they didn’t think it is anything serious, but...

Summoned by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, Princess Twilight Sparkle flew through the open gates into Canterlot and through its streets. While remaining close to the ground, she zigzagged around ponies standing or walking the streets while muttering “sorry” or ”pardon me” as she flew. Why she didn’t just fly over them was something Twilight would ask herself later.

Arriving to the brown doors to the Royal Castle two minutes later, Twilight slowed her wing flaps to land. With light pants and grunts of effort, she trotted through the doors, down the hallways of the castle, passing by guards in front of the doors in the huge castle, before running through the throne room’s light-blue double doors. In the throne room, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sat in their respective chairs high up on the other side of the room.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, I'm here. What's wrong?" Twilight asked while still panting.

Celestia explained, "Twilight, we are glad you came as fast as you did. We have received reports of an unknown being lying unconscious in the grass outside Canterlot."

"An unknown being?" Twilight asked with a voice showing more curiosity than concern.

"Yes. From the guards' reports, it has an unusual appearance suggesting it's not something from Equestria or even of this world. Save for Spike and Sunset Shimmer, you are the only one we know with first-hoof experience of how it feels to be in a new world completely unknown to them."

Luna added, “So Celestia and I believe you would be the best pony to investigate. This is why we only called for you."

"I see." Twilight recalled her first moments in the "human world" when chasing after Sunset Shimmer. It felt not just surreal, but frightening, despite her loyal long-time friend, Spike, accompanying her. Twilight shuddered at how terrified she might have felt if it happened without warning and she was alone. Twilight would have “twilighted”, though “twilighting” wasn’t yet a verb. The curiosity she originally felt left her, as concern of the shock and fear that the being could potentially experience filled her heart. "I will go find it right now. But what would you like me to do once I find it?"

Celestia replied, “If it’s unconscious, return here with it, but do your best to not wake it up and keep it out-of-sight. Until we learn what it is, or if it's a threat, we don't want other ponies to see it.”

“But if the being is awake, your priority is to do whatever possible to keep it calm, but try to bring it here. If returning with the being proves too difficult, alert a nearby guard so they can report to us what happened."

“So, let me make sure I have everything right. You want me to find this ‘being’, keep it calm if it’s awake, bring it here if I can, and make sure nopony sees it?"

"That is correct, and thank you. I knew we were right to choose you for this task, Twilight," Celestia complimented.

Twilight blushed and rubbed her head, and departed from the Royal Castle. After exiting Canterlot, Twilight flew toward the grass near Canterlot, where the being was reported to be.

After flying for three minutes searching, a motionless being lying face-down and half-buried in the grass came into Twilight's view. After landing and creeping closer to examine its head, arms, back, and legs, but without touching the mysterious being, Twilight gasped. She recognized what it was. Luckily, it seemed unharmed, but remained still.

Could this be a "human"? It looks like the "humans" I met, but the composition of this one’s body is completely different from that world. I should get it to the Royal Castle and hope it doesn’t wake up, Twilight thought to herself.

With her magic, Twilight slowly levitated the mysterious human, who had brown hair running down to the middle of his neck and wore a blue shirt and black shorts, and flew back to the gates of Canterlot. As she carried it, Twilight looked at its face and recognized that it was a male, perhaps in his early twenties.

Once she flew close to the gates to Canterlot, Twilight teleported herself and the odd-looking man into the Royal Castle. She normally doesn’t teleport into buildings, let alone the Royal Castle, but it was the best way to keep the human hidden from other ponies.

Back in the Royal Castle’s throne room, with the young man lying motionless on the floor near the room’s now-closed doors, Twilight, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna stood puzzled on where he came from. They thought it would be best to wait for him to wake up on his own. But to minimize the risk of frightening him, Celestia and Luna remained in their respective chairs. Twilight stood to the left of Celestia, and nopony else was in the room.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, do either of you have an idea on where this ‘human’ came from? None of the humans I saw in the 'human world’ with Sunset Shimmer had this kind of appearance."

"I am not sure myself, Twilight. His appearance is also something I have never seen,” Celestia answered. “My best guess is that he is from a completely different world. I can’t sense magic in him, so I don't believe he is a threat or looks like this because of a spell. He might not even be here of his own accord."

"In which case it was wise indeed to bring him here before he woke up. He's not having a dream, or I would--wait, he's moving his 'hand', so he must be waking up."

"Remember, he may become nervous or even scared, so smile, talk softly, and don't make any sudden moves," Celestia reminded.

Oh, my head. Why didn’t I lay off that last drink? I knew I’d regret it, but I just haaaad to drink it anyway.

With a warm smile and in the gentlest, friendliest voice she could muster, Twilight asked, "Hello. Can you understand me, and are you all right?"

Rubbing his head and lifting it to where the voice came from, but stayed on the floor, the human answered, "Yeah, I am. My head's hurting but--wait, what the b--?!" The young man’s mouth dropped and he sprung to his feet. While his eyes stayed locked on the ponies in front of him, the confused man took steps backward and bumped into the closed door behind him. "It's...you're...you're..." Okay, what the buck is going on?! Is that...Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?! They're just cartoon characters, so they can't...and this room...am I in the Royal Castle?

Celestia, with a warm smile of her own, and in her most gentle, friendly voice, assured, "I know you are scared, but I promise that we won’t harm you and that you are safe with us."

Yeah, okay, forget the "last" drink; I should've laid off all of them and I'm never drinking again! For real this time!

"Please, just try to stay calm. Do you have a name?" Princess Luna asked in her kindest voice.

"I’m L-Larry."

With Larry's face no longer showing a frightened frown, but a puzzled one, Twilight greeted, "Hello, Larry, my name is Twilight Sparkle. If you don't know where you are right now, you are in a world we call ‘Equestria’."

Okay. I'm in Equestria, and Twilight, Celestia, and Luna are talking to me. To me. Let me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Yep, that pinch on the cheek hurt, so I must've just gone nuts. I'm not in Equestria, I'm in la-la land, population: me.

"I am Princess Celestia, and the pony to my right and your left is Princess Luna, and you are in our castle. We will aid you in any way we can. First, are there any questions you would like to ask us?"

"Ask as many questions as you need, and we will do our best to answer them," Luna chimed in.

Larry smirked and walked forward to his previous spot. You know what? I’m gonna pretend this is real and have some fun. I’ve waited nine years to ask these three some questions, starting with you Sunbutt and Moonbutt. And oh man I can't wait until I get to Sparklebutt! "Yes, I have questions."

Celestia started, "I imagine that one of them is if we can return you to where--"

"Actually, no, that's not one of them."

"Oh, really?" Celestia couldn't hide the surprise in her voice that Larry seemed to have no concern about returning to wherever he came from. She cleared her throat to recompose herself. "Very well, what are they?"

"First, Princess Celestia, why did so many disasters happen a 'thousand' years ago?"

Larry's highly unexpected question bewildered Celestia, but her long experience as the ruler of Equestria allowed her to largely hide it. Even so, she failed to resist stuttering as she replied, "I...don't know w-why you would ask that, or h-how you know about Equestria's history, but I--"

“Wait, forget that last question. How did you become the ruler of Equestria, and who ruled before you?”

“Oh, well, it happened when--”

"Hold on, answer that later. When Twilight wanted to open her School of Friendship, why didn't you tell her to run it her way right away, so Neighsay would've stayed off her flank?"

"I guess you have a--”

"And why, oh why, did you three just sit on your flanks and watch Queen Chrysalis run off after she threatened Starlight Glimmer? You really didn’t think that she would want Starlight’s head on a silver platter later? And how the buck did you three get caught by the Changelings anyway?"

Luna stuttered, "W-Well--"

"Speaking of threats, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, you two said Equestria's had an unheard level of peace, but there have been a ton of crises lately. How bad were things before Twilight and her friends could save the day so much?"

Luna turned to Celestia's direction, as if she wanted to know the answer too. Drops of sweat ran off Celestia's forehead as Celestia stuttered, "U-Uh, okay, that's--"

"And for that matter, how many times have you two run to Twilight when there’s a big problem? I know she’s a reliable pony, but come on!"

Celestia objected, "N-Now wait just a moment. We don't 'run' to her like that!"

"Yeah, now that’s a good one. I'm gonna take a guess on how I got here in your castle: some of your guards found me somewhere out-cold, you called Twilight, she came running; or flying I should say, you asked her to check things out, she did and found me, carried me here by herself, I woke up, and here we are?" And the other five aren’t here, so I guess you didn't think I was important enough to call the whole Mane Six.

Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna bit their lips and turned away.

“I take your silence as a ‘yes’. And please tell me I wasn’t found taking a snooze in the Everfree Forest.”

Twilight answered, "No, you were in some deep grass outside Canterlot."

At least I wasn't found in the Everfree Forest! Humans are always found in that stupid forest in fanfics. "Good to know, but I have more questions. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, why did you two think telling Twilight to take your places with so little warning was a good idea? Do you two even know that pony? And how did you not see her 'twilighting' because she was twilighting right there in bucking front of you?!"

Twilight facehoofed. "Seriously, you use me as a verb too?"

Celestia stuttered, "W-Well, Larry, we did see her, b-but--"

"After all the crud Twilight had to do for you two and Equestria, she deserves her Alicorn wings and princess status. But shouldn't she have gotten her wings after saving Equestria in heroic, preferably kick-butt fashion, not by fixing a screw-up that was all her fault? If powerful magic is what you need to become an Alicorn, then where the flying buck are Starlight's Alicorn wings?" Then again, the brony fandom might not be able to survive Starlicorn.

"O-Okay, I don't know about Starlight getting Alicorn wings, but maybe I should have waited until Twilig--"

“And not only that, you had no idea what Twilight was even supposed to do with her new title, other than ‘smile and wave’!”

Celestia bit her lip again and stuttered, "F-Fair point, but I just--”

"Oh, and Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie have saved Equestria multiple times, so why aren't they Alicorns now?"

Luna interrupted, "I-I guess they do deserve Alicorn wings, but--"

"And if they're not Alicorns because they don't have the level of magic Twilight and Starlight do, at least why didn't they get medals for saving Equestria, like Starlight, Discord, Trixie, and Thorax did when they saved all your flanks?"

"Well, to be fair, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack didn't want anything like that, and Starlight, Trixie, Thorax, and Discord receiving medals was my idea."

"Since you answered that question, Twilight, how about you answer the next ones, because I have so many questions for you." And I am going to enjoy grilling you. Brace yourself Sparklebutt!

With a nervous smile, Twilight nodded her head. "O-Okay?"

"First, when you were falling to your death trying to escape from that Hydra, why didn't you teleport to save yourself?"

"W-Well, I--"

“Why were you flying so well soon after you got your wings, but later turned into 'Twilight Crash' and crashed and burned all over the place like you couldn’t fly anymore?"

"One word, Larry: cider."

"I understand completely, but I'm not done. You're a princess, so why do you let ponies push you around so easily? I know you're friendly and don't want to abuse your princess title, but if you keep this up, you're gonna need assertiveness lessons from Fluttershy!”

"I-I guess I could--"

"You can travel through time, and once lifted an Ursa Minor all by yourself with your magic. So when you and your friends were being chased by a Cragadile, why didn’t you blast or move it with your magic? Or at least why didn't you teleport your flank and friends to safety?"

"Uh, would you like to know some of the secrets to my friend Pinkie Pie? Because she can--"

"Maybe later. Do you have a thing for humans? The first guy you had a crush on was a human, not a stallion. In fact, what do you think about me?" Larry flexed his arms.

"Um...can I pass?"

Larry un-flexed his arms. Man you are so adorkable with that nervous smile so I'll let you off the hook. "Fine. Now, I know Trixie was a grade A++ jerk, but why didn’t you give her just a bit of a chance after doing it for Starlight? Couldn't you have at least watched Trixie first, then blast her flank halfway through Equestria if she tried something to hurt Starlight?"

"I feel that I should say that a pony’s flank isn’t our--"

“I know, but calling your butt a ‘flank’ is too much fun, so I’m gonna keep doing it. When Zecora was turning into a tree, you took your sweet time helping Fluttershy find a cure. But when you learned how to return Starswirl The Bearded back from limbo, you literally couldn't wait for a single second! What the buck was that about?!"

"I-It's not that I didn't care about Zecora, but Fluttershy--"

"And I know it's hard to think straight when excited, but you and Sunburst really didn't think the Pony of Shadows might come back with the pillars when you bought them back? I thought you two were the smart ones?"

"Uh, are you sure you don't want me to tell you how Pinkie--"

"No, not now. About your school again, now Celestia bucked up by not telling you to run it your way. But why did you let Neighsay push you around like you’re some random pony and not Princess Twilight Sparkle? You should've laid down the law on the spot, and threw his flank in a dungeon if he didn't back off!"

Twilight sighed and sarcastically asked, "I bet you are about to ask why I didn't tell Princess Celestia the truth right away about her acting, aren't you?"

"Actually, no. Princess Celestia's your idol, and if I looked up to someone like you do to her, I would have done the same thing."

With the sudden words of understanding from Larry, Twilight couldn’t help but blush. "Oh. Well, thank you so much for understanding how I--"

"You’re welcome, but I'm still not done. I know you have a temper, and you're not flawless and a work in progress and all that jazz. But why didn't you at least try to hear out the CMC when they 'sabotaged' Cozy Glow? By you, an adult mind you, laying into those three fillies as soon as you had them in your office, they were too rattled and confused to think straight!"

Frustration at Larry's latest question swelled in Twilight. In a raised voice, Twilight objected, "Okay, now I was just trying to protect--"

"When you 'disguised' yourself at Flim and Flam's school, why didn't you hide either your wings or horn? You really didn't think the fact that you're the only purple Alicorn in existence would tip them off? Ponies were at that school, not Dragons!"

"All right, Larry, I'm starting to get an--"

"When Pinkie was playing that whatever-the-buck-it's-called, why did nopony tell Pinkie that her playing was wrecking Ponyville? Instead, all you guys did was walk up, tell her 'Pinkie, you suck!' and not even say what her 'music' was doing!"

Finally pushed to her breaking point by Larry's relentless questions, Twilight, in her Royal Canterlot voice that shook the throne room of the Royal Castle, shouted, "Okay, I get it! I make the wrong choices sometimes and I'm sorry! Leave me alone!"

Unfazed by Twilight's shout, Larry responded, "Oh, excuuuuuse me, Princess, but I'm only getting warmed up with you! You're not the only one that can ask a billion questions, and after I'm done with you, Sparklebutt, I'm going back to Sunbutt and Moonbutt up there! Get your flanks comfortable up there you three, because the four of us are gonna be here for a while!" Buck, I got carried away. I didn't mean to call them that out loud, but whatever, I’ll just keep doing it.

But before Larry could resume "warming up" Celestia turned her head to Luna. "Sister, what he just said clinched it; I know where Larry came from now."

Luna turned her head to Celestia. "So do I, sister."

A moment of realization came over Twilight. She stopped gritting her teeth and turned her head to Celestia and Luna. "And now I do too. How did I not figure that out sooner?! It's so obvious by his questions."

"And oh yeah, Sunbutt and Moonbutt, before I forget, why do you always call each other 'sister' and not by your real names? And, Sparklebutt, about that silly Ladybug phobia--"

Celestia interjected, "And that's enough questions, Larry. And I hate to say this, but now you can't leave Equestria."

The change in Celestia's voice to a more serious one, as well as her unexpected words, left Larry with his eyes and mouth open. "W-Why?!"

Luna answered, "Because we can't let you tell your world that it's not the writers' fault things are sometimes not...ideal. Yes, the answer to all of your questions is that Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight, and me simply, as you might put it, ‘buck up’ a lot.”

“And the same goes for my friends,” Twilight added. “I hate to admit it, Larry, but we will keep ‘bucking up’ because we can’t help making mistakes sometimes. In fact, the 'writers' are just as confused about it as you, and they still don't understand why they 'write' us the way they do.”

“And before you ask, we know all of this because of our magic," Celestia finished.

Larry shouted, "Okay, WHAT?!"

"Yes, you heard Princess Celestia correctly. They believe that they are 'writing' about something they 'made up' but we are as real as you or them. In fact, one of them had a nightmare over 'giving' Twilight her Alicorn wings. I think his name was 'M', 'M.A.' something?"

Knowing what Twilight was about to feel at any moment, Celestia ordered, "Because we told you the secret that only we Alicorns know, you will have to remain in Princess Twilight's castle from now on, and do whatever she says."

Larry pleaded, "B-But you can't make me stay! I have a life in my world! Sparklebutt, uh, I mean, Princess Twilight, you're the Princess of Friendship, and this isn't something a good friend does!" Wait, why am I worried? I lost my mind so none of this is happening anyway.

The fact that Larry asked her so many questions, and how he refused to stop when she ordered him to, finally sunk in for Twilight. It triggered something and is what Celestia knew would happen. A smile curled on the pony's lips and she assured, "Oh, don't worry, Larry, you will be happy in my castle. I'm going to be a very good friend to you."

"Wait, what does that mean?" No way, Twilight couldn't mean...?

While smiling, Twilight slowly walked from her place beside Celestia, along the red carpet from the Princesses' chairs to the other side of the room, where Larry still stood. "I hoped you would ask me that. I'm gonna give you friendship lessons. Lots of friendship lessons, and long ones.”

Larry's mouth dropped at what the smiling pony standing in front of him said to him. Oh, she did. This isn't la-la land, this is dream-come-true land!

"I take it from your smile that you're...pleased by what Princess Twilight wants to do to you, every day, Larry?" Celestia asked.

“And hopefully Princess Twilight won’t get carried away and...wear you down."

Larry couldn't believe what he heard. His smile grew into a grin of happiness, as if his dreams came true. He still wasn't sure if any of this was truly happening, but he didn't care anymore. "You know what? I'm fed up with all that bucking political drama and fighting in that dump of a world anyway. Take me away, Princess Twilight!" And I hope my mind never comes back! Mind, Larry no longer needs you!

Larry went on to enjoy one "friendship lesson" after another daily from his "very good" friend Princess Twilight Sparkle in her castle.

At least, Larry thought he would enjoy them. He misunderstood what Twilight Sparklereally meant, and she just gave him run-of-the-mill friendship lessons and speeches.

Over, and over, and over again. And while Larry was tied to a chair during the lessons, which he did not enjoy.

It turned out that Princess Twilight was already at her limit with being pushed around so much, and Larry made her too mad. Thus Twilight decided to take Larry’s earlier “suggestion” and used her authority as a princess...on him. He was no match against the Alicorn’s magic, so escape was impossible. Larry would not leave until Twilight chose to let him go.

Unfortunately for Larry, she never did.

Starlight Glimmer could have helped Larry get free, but found his squirming during Twilight’s lessons too amusing, so she instead watched. While lying in a chair and eating popcorn.

Larry learned too late that he should have never asked the Princesses so many questions. Especially not Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned to not get Princess Twilight Sparkle mad, or she'll lock me in her castle. If I ever come to Equestria, I will stay on her good side. And I will not ask questions.

Your faithful fan,
A below average fanfic writer.