How to Improve Your Chances of Being a Mildly Popular Author

by Path_of_cloud

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 2262

A guide to help aspiring authors. Filled with satire and me being an ass.

A guide to help aspiring authors. Filled with satire and me being an ass.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-14 04:29:05 UTC

First Impressions

This guide is basically me being satirical and an ass. It will have good advice though.

How to Improve Your Chances of Being a Mildly Popular Author: First Impressions.

Step 1: How to Properly do a Title.

Lets call our mock story, my amazing adventures in equestria where i beat all the bad guys and make the mane six fall in love with me.

I know, amazing title, right?

Now if you saw that title, beyond the obvious reason, you would not even look at that story. Why? Because the author immediately comes off as stupid and incompetent with the most basic of writing rules. If you want to look competent and pique people's' interest, capitalize shit.

MY AMAZING- No, fucking stop right there.

You always capitalize the first letter of the first word and you also capitalize all the important words in a title. These usually consist of words more then three letters long. So what you should of had for your title is, My Amazing Adventures in Equestria.

That's it, the rest should be part of your description. Now, you look to be somewhat literate.

Step 2: The Description and You.

where i beat all the bad guys and make the mane six fall in love with me. i do this by. bashing their heads in with my really big penis. named man meat. this it my first. story so be nice. also what will happen?

If you can't be bothered to use capitalization and grammar 10-fucking-1, that everyone learned in grade school, why should we even suspect for a moment you did it right in the story?

Joe Everyhuman beats up all the bad guys, and the Mane Six fall madly in love with him. He does this with his trusty over-sized penis, Man Meat.

Now, I know you're wondering, what happened to the rest, and why did you change it? First of, you're describing the damn story, not telling us about your writing career. If you want people to know about that, put it in the comments section located under the fic. Questions, are cliche, and not the good, classic kind of cliche. They can be pulled off well, but usually they're just useless and dumb. I changed it to make it sound more exciting, it needs to hook whoever glances at it and drag them into the story by interesting them. This can be done through exciting them, intriguing them, or even making them wonder, why the fuck does this sound awesome?

Step 3: Cover Art.

Use it, and it better fucking represent the story well.

Step 4: Character Tags.

Wanderer D covered this already, but to reiterate, use them. Fics without character tags aren't even supposed to pass moderation. Somehow they do all the time, but they're not supposed to. People like knowing who's important to the story. Everyone likes seeing their favorite character, or characters, have a moment of glory.

Step 5: Genre Tags.

Use them, and use them right.

Do all this, and your fic will at least warrant some attention. Next time, we'll discuss formatting, and how not to make peoples eyes puke just from looking at it.

Preventing Readers from Clawing Their Eyes Out.

Let's do this! And tonight my surprise guest... Iron Will!

How to Improve Your Chances of Being a Mildly Popular Author: Preventing Readers from Clawing Their Eyes Out.

Step 1: Punctuation, or Those Cool Symbol Thingies.

joe everyhuman entered ponyville with man meat dangling freely in the open wind he was all i'm fucking awesome and powerful and great and shit cause i am me rainbowdash like totally flew down and was like oh my god you so fucking fnie and sexy how bout we go back to my place and you rut me he was like bich fuck that i can do it right here and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend o urs then she said o yea gr8 idea sexy fun tiems shall be had this was cool and all rainbowdash got fluttershy and then they had hard pony on homan sexy fun time

Iron Will was not informed you’d be torturing him. Iron Will is not pleased. His eyes are trying to puke, and he is not sure how that is possible.

You signed the damn contract so you could promote yourself here. Don’t come whining to me. I’d of rather worked with literally anyone else. Anyways, this paragraph is going to be called Paragraph Prime. No, it’s not an autobot transformed into bad text. It is however going to be used for our entire guide.

This Paragraph Prime needs the hurt put on it. Iron Will will show you how.

joe everyhuman entered ponyville with man meat dangling freely in the open wind. he was all, “i'm fucking awesome and powerful and great and shit cause i am me.” rainbowdash like totally flew down and was like, “oh my god, you so fucking fnie and sexy. how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” he was like “bich, fuck that. i can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend o urs.” then she said, “o yea, gr8 idea. sexy fun tiems shall be had.” this was cool and all. rainbowdash got fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on homan sexy fun time.

Okay, well I’m impressed. Iron Will has successfully punctuated Paragraph Prime.

Iron Will does not know why you are surprised. Iron Will is a motivational speaker. He has to be very skilled with grammar for his job. Iron Will does nothing half ass.

Cool story bro. So let’s discuss why certain punctuations were used. These “” are called quotation marks and you use them to show a character is talking. They can also be used to quote others. Next we have the standered of punctuation . the period. This handy little fella shows that you ended your sentence. Remember boys and girls, sentences need a subject and a verb. Equally important periods go on the inside of quotation marks when the sentence is ended with dialogue. The ? is used when you write something that can be answered.  This guy, ‘apostrophe, is used when you combine two words or want to show possession. Finally for the basic punctuations the, , or comma. When you see or use a comma it shows a gap or break in the sentence. Dialogue is one of the biggest mistaken usages. One example is: He said, “Look dialogue.” Another would be: “Wow, that’s exciting,” answered the other guy. Commas are often fucked up, and most people will forgive you for the occasional slip up.

Iron Will sees no mention of semi-colons or other advanced punctuation.

What do I look like, a fucking English teacher? Hell, most of them won’t even teach semi-colons. This is just the obvious and stupidly easy shit.

Step 2: Spelling Shit like your Brain Works Right.

joe everyhuman entered ponyville with man meat dangling freely in the open wind. he was all, “i'm fucking awesome and powerful and great and shit cause i am me.” rainbowdash like totally flew down and was like, “oh my god, you so fucking fnie and sexy. how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” he was like “bich, fuck that. i can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend o urs.” then she said, “o yea, gr8 idea. sexy fun tiems shall be had.” this was cool and all. rainbowdash got fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on homan sexy fun time.

Updated Paragraph Prime primed and ready, word monkey Iron Will.

Iron Will does not like you.

joe everyhuman entered ponyville with man meat dangling freely in the open wind. he was all, “i'm fucking awesome,  powerful, great, and shit cause i am me.” rainbow dash like totally flew down and was like, “oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy. how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” he was like, “bitch, fuck that. i can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.” then she said, “oh yea, great idea. sexy fun times shall be had.” this was cool and all. rainbow dash got fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

Once again, Iron Will in the house.

Iron Will is happy that you are seeing his worth.

I can’t teach you to spell every word in the language. No one can, but rereading and spell check will at least help you in my heed. The only extra advice I can lay down is that you never use internet slang. Also, you spell out numbers. So use three, not 3. Oh, and Rainbow Dash is two words, can you dig it?

Step 3: Capitalizing Shit.

Loading…

joe everyhuman entered ponyville with man meat dangling freely in the open wind. he was all, “i'm fucking awesome,  powerful, great, and shit cause i am me.” rainbow dash like totally flew down and was like, “oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy. how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” he was like, “bitch, fuck that. i can do it right here and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.” then she said, “oh yea, great idea. sexy fun times shall be had.” this was cool and all. rainbow dash got fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

Iron Will thinks this bitch need to learn to use the shift key.

Couldn’t agree more. Do it.

Joe Everyhuman entered Ponyville with Man Meat dangling freely in the open wind. he was all, “I'm fucking awesome,  powerful, great, and shit cause I am me.” Rainbow Dash like totally flew down and was like, “Oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” He was like, “Bitch, fuck that. I can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.” Then she said, “Oh yeah, great idea. Sexy fun times shall be had.” This was cool and all. Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

Well done.

Iron Will laid the smack down on those un-capatalized words.

Indeed. Proper names, proper places, the first word of a sentence, the word I, and the first word of dialogue need to be capitalized.

Step 4: Hitting Enter.

Joe Everyhuman entered Ponyville with Man Meat dangling freely in the open wind. He was all, “I'm fucking awesome,  powerful, great, and shit cause I am me.” Rainbow Dash like totally flew down and was like, “Oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?” He was like, “Bitch, fuck that. I can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.” Then she said, “Oh yeah, great idea. Sexy fun times shall be had.” This was cool and all. Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

Hello, Wall-O-Text.

Goodbye, Wall-O-Text. Iron Will shall now rid the world of you.

Joe Everyhuman entered Ponyville with Man Meat dangling freely in the open wind. He was all, “I'm fucking awesome, powerful, great, and shit cause I am me.”

Rainbow Dash like totally flew down and was like, “Oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?”

He was like, “Bitch, fuck that. I can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.”

Then she said, “Oh yeah, great idea. Sexy fun times shall be had.”

This was cool and all. Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

A round of applause for Iron Will everybody. When new people talk, it’s a new paragraph. When perspectives change, it’s a new paragraph. Finally, when it stops being relevant to the point of the paragraph, you guessed it, it’s a new paragraph. For Fimfiction it helps to hit enter twice to add that extra spacing.

Step 5: Push the Indent Paragraph Button.

Joe Everyhuman entered Ponyville with Man Meat dangling freely in the open wind. He was all, “I'm fucking awesome, powerful, great, and shit cause I am me.”

Rainbow Dash like totally flew down and was like, “Oh my god, you so fucking fine and sexy how bout we go back to my place and you rut me?”

He was like, “Bitch, fuck that. I can do it right here, and why don’t you go get that other cute Pegasus friend of yours.”

Then she said, “Oh yeah, great idea. Sexy fun times shall be had.”

This was cool and all. Rainbow Dash got Fluttershy, and then they had hard pony on human sexy fun time.

If you look up when editing a fic on this site, you’ll find a button that does it for you. The buttons is somewhat flawed though, and you have to do the first paragraph by hand.

This looks like something Iron Will would never read, but at least Iron Will does not wish to rip his eyes from his head anymore.