No Bon-Bon, I Expect you to Cry
Author's Note
Something I wrote just because. Figured I'd post at least one other Fanfic I had worked on so it wouldn't just sit in my folder collecting digital dust. Hope you like it.
Tears and great Fears
You are the mystifying and simultaneously terrifying villain, Oculus Sinister. You are the best villain in the whole world, despite what the S.M.I.L.E's top ten villain list says, that list is totally biased and rigged anyway and it definitely doesn't matter that the Cookie Culprit is on the list and you aren't. You don't care because you have it all, bits, success, power, magic, and a seemingly unlimited supply of henchmen that consisted of hardworking Diamond Dogs. You are the greatest villain to grace this wretched harmonious world you unfortunately have to call home. And, of course, the best villain needs the best arch enemy.
Agent Sweetie Drops has been your arch enemy for the past five years. Though she wasn't your first, you would die happily if she was your last. You've been through a lot together over the course of a few years. From grand schemes of world conquest, to petty theft, she was there to thwart you almost every time, and you reveled in it. Each loss was a minor victory, a new move in this game of chess... Evil chess.
You two had something really special. It's truly a shame that your special figurative song and dance will end tonight as you prepare to finally kill Agent Sweetie Drops. You've pulled out all the stops for tonight to make it truly memorable. You have the acid pit, magic lasers, sharks, saw blades, manticores, bears with machetes, and an all you can eat buffet for the henchmen. You even have a fireworks display and a commissioned painting of Agent Sweetie Drops ready for her funeral, along with a very nice eulogy speech set up. You have everything ready, your only concern is the villain song. You have the choreography down pat, but you never were never a good singer. However, you're gonna do your best because you'd be damned if you didn't make tonight something special. A fitting end to your favorite foe.
Sitting patiently in your swivel chair of evil facing a wall of magic mirrors showing the outside of your impenetrable fortress, you wait for your enemy to walk into your lion den, both literally and figuratively.
And of course like she always does, or rather did after tonight, she falls for your trap. Her failed attempt to sneak up on you springing your falling cage trap. This is it, you’re going to turn around and let this final battle of wit commence.
You adjust the eyepatch on your right eye, making sure to look as evil and menacing as possible for this moment, and press the automatic swivel button on your chair. You begin to slowly spin around to face her, the quiet sound of the pistons and gears makes your heart skip a beat. Setting the mood with a maniacal chuckle, you begin your monologue.
"Ah~. Agent Sweetie Drops, it's so fortunate of you t—“ your words are cut off by a silent sniffling coming from the cage. It's… It’s Agent Sweetie Drops! She's... She's crying? You did not expect this at all. Insults and playful banter sure, but this? This is completely out of character and out of your comfort zone.
"Um... Agent Sweetie Drops?" You ask hesitantly.
Her sobbing intensifies into a full-blown crying fit. crud, you were not prepared for this at all.
"I-I-I'm-m a teh-heribble ma-ma-marefriend!" She managed to gasp out between sobs. Oh buck, something happened with Lyra.
Changeling Dung, Agent Sweetie Drops was fun before she started dating Lyra. It was all fine and dandy at first, but then, all of the sudden she starts ditching your latest schemes to go on dates?! And it only got worse. Suddenly she could only work weekdays and you had to entirely redo your villain schedule to accommodate her. You would have foalnapped Lyra, maybe even use her as a hostage, but you knew crossing that line wouldn't make this fun anymore. Suddenly it would become serious and Agent Sweetie Drops would curse you out instead of throwing playful banter at you.
"I-I-I should just dhhhiiiiieeee!" Agent Sweetie Drops screams over her tears.
Okay, you can salvage tonight. You can still kill her, you can.... ah, buck it, she spoiled the mood with real world problems.
Sighing, you get up from your swivel chair of evil and trot over to the cage Agent Sweetie Drops is in.
"Um, Agent Sweetie Drops? Is something bothering you?" You ask.
In response she cries even louder. Barely making her words coherent.
"I-I thold h-her that I di-didn't want my photo in a newspaper! A-an I got upset, b-because of my secret- my secret identity. And-and-and I'm a terrible Maaarelfriend!" She breaks down into tears again.
Newspaper? Oh right, you forgot that you saw her in the newspaper this morning. It was an advertisement for her little bakery down in Ponyville. Even though she's your arch enemy, you have to admit she makes a mean double fudge dark chocolate brownie. Mmmm. Dark chocolate~. The most diabolical of chocolate. Wait, no time to think about evil chocolate, you need to reassure Agent Sweetie Drops. Maybe tonight could be salvaged.
"Awww. Is that all Agent Sweetie Drops? I'm sure that you two—“
"She broke up with meeeeeee!" She interrupts you with a shocking revelation. Lyra dumped Agent Sweetie Drops? You had thought-no-hoped that they would break up. But you never thought Lyra would be the one to do it. Oh, this is NOT good.
"She-she kicked me out! An-an now I don't have a marefriend, or a home! I should just die!!!" She screams. Oh you wanted nothing more than to kill her tonight, but right now you want nothing more than to stop her from doing something stupid. Troting back over to your swivel chair of evil you press the convenient "lift cage" button.
Even as the top of the cage slowly lifts up into the support beams up above, Agent Sweetie Drops is still sitting there, wallowing in her own sadness like a little filly. What should you even do? Emotions were never your forte. Dammit You're a cold calculated villain, not a cold calculated therapist.
Raising a hoof to her shoulder, you attempt to consolidate your longtime rival. "Shhh. Shhh. I'm sure everything will be ok Agent Sweetie Drops."
"N-no it won't! Sh-she doesn't love me anymore! I'm the worst!" She starts crying and you honestly take offense to her last statement. If anyone was the worst it would be you, and it IS you.
You grab both of her shoulders with your hooves and bring her gaze to yours as you glare into her tear-filled eyes. "Now listen here you S.M.I.L.E. Agent Scum! You are not the worst, nor will you ever be the worst! You are an Agent of S.M.I.L.E. So act like it dangit!"
She stopped crying. This is good, this is good. Now you can— nope, nope she's crying again. Well there goes your last chance to salvage tonight.
It took a bit of convincing but you managed to get Agent Sweetie Drops onto your couch of comfortable chaos. You wrapped her in a fluffy pink blanket Henchmen #17 got you as a secret Heartswarming present and offered her some hot cocoa with yellow marshmallow chicks in it. You know she likes that for some odd reason, although you can't fathom why she would enjoy such a frankly disgusting combination. At least now she seemed to calm down a bit, only sniffling every now and then. But her face still painted a vivid picture of her thoughts.
She's become a mare who has given up. You were just her literal shoulder to cry on a few minutes ago, now you need to be the metaphorical shoulder too.
"So, are you feeling better?" You ask.
It takes a moment for her to respond, sniffling a bit. "Y-yeah." Her voice is still shaky.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"It's just... Its just... I don't know what to do Sin!" You hated that nickname but whatever, that's not important right now. She continues talking about how she totally screwed up. "I want to be more open with Lyra, but I'm scared. Oh gosh, I shouldn't have wiped her memory after that wedding. I should have just told her the truth then and there. Maybe... Maybe she'd understand?" She asks, hoping for your reassurance.
On any other day you'd drink her tears after taking a picture of her to commemorate the moment, but tonight you're content with your cocoa. Taking a quick sip, you look her in the eyes with your one ~~good~~ Evil, your one evil eye.
"Honestly," you say, "I don't know. Perhaps you're right, perhaps you're wrong. What's important is that you make it right Miss Sweetie Drops. So what if your relationship started off as a cover story? It might have been an elaborate cover at first but I believe it grew into something more for you. You gained genuine feelings for her, heck, you changed the memories of her kindergarten teacher so she could remember you two growing up, and Miss Carpanter has althimerz. Honestly you didn't need to go that far but you did. You did it for her. If that's not dedication to the job, then it can only be true love."
"But what if she hates me now, Sin!? She spent so much money on that ad, and I just got upset with her. I'm a ter—“
"If you finish that sentence then I will bring the machete wielding bears out." You halfheartedly joke in a serious tone, the other half really wants to get your bit's worth on those rental bears. Then again that Fluttershy mare probably wouldn’t be too happy if she found out what you did with them.
As Agent Sweetie Drops stifles a small laugh you notice her wringing her hooves together.
"Sin... is it... is it ok if I stay here tonight?" She asks you.
You're slightly taken aback by her question. Part of you wants to outright refuse her and kick her to the curb, maybe even throw a party for her feeling bad. But another part of you, that disgusting sympathetic part of you gives you a moment’s pause.
"I..." Say no, say no! "Sure." You sheepishly say. It's official, you are the worst villain, and not in the good type of way. You idly wonder if Professor Doctor ever had to deal with things like this before you depart for the night and leave Agent Sweetie Drops to her own devices. She would go back to Lyra, talk to her, maybe apologize, and then you could get back to your dastardly plots.
And after that, you'd be the one making Agent Sweetie Drops cry.
