Musings of a Dying Princess

My name is Celestia, and once, I rose the sun. To some, that might seem like an arrogant statement. On the surface, it appears to be a grouping of words meant to overinflate my own ego. My arrogance and pride should be solidified every time I say that. But I have no desire to be proud or conceited. My only wish is to see everypony happy and thriving. That wish is fulfilled on a daily basis, yet I cannot seem to let go of a sense of lingering sadness. It darkens my heart and crushes my spirit.

I have been sick for some time now. The doctors have no idea what my ailment is, but all I know is that it is torturous. I awaken every morning, after my longtime protégé Twilight Sparkle raises the sun, to a series of aches and sharp pains that last throughout the day. These are accompanied by a hacking cough and my head won’t quit burning. Perhaps my longevity is finally catching up to me. Over a thousand years of raising the sun would do that to somepony. After all, that bright yellow orb is not exactly light as a feather. Its tonnage rested heavily on my shoulders, and that might be the source of my illness.

Perhaps the source is tension with my sister, Luna. Once she rose the moon and guarded dreams, but now she lives a quiet life with her husband and three foals. She was lucky enough to find love. I have never felt the smooth touch or sweet embrace of a significant other. There are some ponies out there who raise hell about how being single is such an amazing experience. I contradict that statement, and I always shall. Being single is one of the worst things I’ve ever been put through. When I awake to my empty home here in Canterlot, it reminds me that I’ve never had a family of my own. Familial relations don’t become me, I guess. Either that, or the cruel, unjust hoof of fate has turned its thunderous leanings on me. So being alone and missing the days where my sister and I ruled in tandem might be the source.

But maybe it is just an old pony getting even older. Perhaps these musings are those of an eccentric, senile old coot who doesn’t deserve to have friends. Maybe…I’ve never had a true friend. Maybe the ideals of friendship I always strove to instill in my beloved Twilight were just a hoax, a fantasy born out of some inner need to be loved! Perhaps I have been living in a fabricated reality, and I’ve always been crying…no…screaming to escape from it! Or, perhaps…I am truly disillusioned and deluded by the trappings of life that other ponies have and I do not.

It’s cold tonight. I can see that Cloudsdale has declared snow for this wintry evening. The paltry flakes come sprinkling down from the sky and scatter themselves about on the ground. I know each one of them is created uniquely and with the utmost care in the Weather Factory, and in some odd way, it reminds me of my love for everypony in Equestria. Every single one of them is special, and they must continue to discover how special they are. Yes, their cutie marks can help them accomplish this mission, but it is up to each individual pony to discover their own self-worth.

Of course…I say that with a great sadness in my soul because I do not believe I am worth anything. I’ve had statues built in my honor, roads paved just for me, celebrations revolve around me, and ponies begging for my opinion and judgment on everything. Yet, I still feel lonely! If I have the love and devotion of the entire populace, then why in Equestria do I feel like I do not matter?! AM I NOTHING?! AM I SOMETHING TO BE SHUNNED AND FORGOTTEN BY MY FELLOW PONY?!

The voices in my head battle for control. Some of them answer that question in the affirmative, and it causes a great amount of tears to squeeze their way out and gingerly roll down my face. I realize that I am dying, and it scares me. I am frightened of going the way of so many before me, because I am faced with the darkness of eternity. I shall close my eyes forever, never knowing what or who shall lead Equestria further into strength and happiness. So the voices that answer that question in that manner are loud as I stroll further into the forest of death.

But then there are the voices who answer and tell me that I am somepony worth loving, and I am somepony worth being friends with. This voice always carries the air of my precious Twilight, gently urging me forward. I never told her, but she was always a strong boulder that I could lean on in times of great crisis. She was a never failing companion, and I loved her for it. It almost felt like I had a daughter of my own. Yes, she was my daughter…if only in my mind. I always sought the best for her, like any good mother would do. I only hope she continues on the path her hooves have been set on. She is a wonderful ruler…and I am very proud of her.

She comes around every now and then, when she’s not too busy, and every time I am quick to embrace her. Whenever she visits, the light breaks through the clouds of my life and I seem to have something new to live for. My depressed state is replaced with one of joy and rapture, and she and I speak for hours on end. She tells me about everything new going on in the palace, and how her friends are doing. She commands Equestria with grace, humility, knowledge, and all the power of the Elements of Harmony. I know I made a good choice when I picked her to succeed my sister and I.

But still, the aches and pains continue. My breathing draws shallow, and I find it harder and harder to see. I just wonder what the cause of all this is. I wish I could die with closure and the knowledge that everypony I cared about is truly happy. But maybe I will never have that closure. It’s taken every ounce of strength just to float the feathered quill over to the crackling parchment and pen this small essay. If somepony finds this after I am gone, may their lives be filled with friendship and happiness, and may they find their strength within themselves and within each other. Those are my final words, and now I take my final breaths.

My name is Celestia…and my life’s sun has set.