Author's Note
This is something I decided to write between homework and club stuff because today, September 10, is Suicide Awareness Day, also known as World Suicide Prevention Day. I chose Fluttershy to be the focus of this story because it was her character that helped me out of a really dark place back in 2017, essentially keeping me from killing myself. I may be projecting a bit, but some of her behaviors mirror the symptomology of depression, a psychiatric condition that has heavy behavioral overlap with her all-but-confirmed social anxiety disorder. I also chose Rainbow Dash and Discord to have important roles in this story because I love the Flutterdash and Fluttercord ships, and I like to think that they would be the ones to find and help her, even if they don’t exactly get what she’s going through. This story is something of an inside lens on my own past suicidal ideation and the encompassed feelings. Reader discretion is advised.
National Suicide Hotline (US) – 1-800-273-8255
Beyond Blue (Australia) – 1300 22 4636
Crisis Textline (Canada) – 686-868
CALM (UK) – 0800 58 58 58
You Are Loved
Winter, a time when everything seems to shut down. I know I’m no exception to that. Rainbow Dash had just said goodbye to Tank for hibernation again, and I hadn’t seen her since. I hadn’t seen anypony since. Most of my animal friends are either in hibernation themselves or doing their own respective methods to adapt and survive. Of course, I had Angel, whose fur was especially thick and fluffy for the cold, and the winterchilla that Rainbow Dash and Discord gifted to me for Hearth’s Warming. Even with them, it was hard not to feel alone.
I don’t mind the snow or the gray skies, but it tended to get old rather quickly. Without my animal friends, I felt so unmotivated. Meeting with Discord for Tuesday tea gave me something to look forward to on a weekly basis, and any chance I had of spending time with Rainbow Dash was a chance much appreciated. I tried to meet with my other friends as much as I could, but they all had their own responsibilities that kept them tied up for the winter.
Applejack was usually helping the rest of her family tend to the farm however they could since winter was always a tougher time for them. Rarity had backorders of winter-specific clothing. Pinkie was helping the Cakes with their business and recently spearheaded adding hot chocolate and pancakes to their selection. Twilight always seemed to have royal duties, but I think she picked up on how I was even more reserved in the winter months. She’d check up on me whenever she could, but when she didn’t and I wasn’t seeing anypony, or any creature for that matter, I’d forget to eat.
I was tired a lot more easily in the winter, like every bone in my body was made of lead. Sometimes I would stare out the window at the dull gray sky and wonder what my life would be like if I was born as somepony different, or even if I wasn’t born at all. Why was something as simple as happiness so hard sometimes? Was I only really happy when I was distracted from these thoughts that swarmed my head every other moment of each and every day?
Sometimes, I wondered if I made Mom and Dad proud, or if they were hurt and upset when I moved to Ponyville. Their older foal couldn’t stand to be in Cloudsdale, and their younger foal had trouble nailing down a job. Cloudsdale wasn’t necessarily a bad city, but it constantly pushed the expectation of me to become somepony that I just wasn’t. They didn’t like what my Cutie Mark told me.
For the first time today, I got out of bed. My mane, disheveled from inconsistent sleep, hung limply in my face. I didn’t see any point in moving it if it was just going to fall back into place again. It was always the same old thing. With a subconscious sigh, I trudged out of bed and down the hall to my bathroom. Everything felt so heavy. Turning on the hot water in the shower was a mindless act, and I just stood there was the steamy water cascaded me and trickled through my fur.
Like the water, my intrusive thoughts came to a boil and the tears started to escape me. I was worthless. Nothing I did mattered. My talent was resigning myself to the circle of life and being painfully aware of it all the while. My doubts have been steadily stacking upon one another. I began to think that Rainbow Dash standing up for me as a filly was a coincidence and that Discord’s reformation was a fluke. I was one Pegasus among thousands, if not millions. What difference did I make? I was terrified that my life was all for naught. Emotions were getting harder to feel, and when they weren’t, it was a disaster. I’d struggle to contain myself, so one could say that my reserved nature worked to my advantage in that sense.
After a few shaky breaths, I finished up my shower and wrapped my barrel in one towel and my mane in another. How much more could I take? The last thing I wanted to do was worry my friends. Maybe…maybe if I wasn’t around, then I could guarantee not worrying them. I’d be free of this burden in my head and my chest. It seemed like a win-win, so why did it feel so wrong? I’d be leaving so much good behind, but happiness was also fleeting. As soon as I left the bathroom, I felt colder, and it wasn’t just because I just got out of the hot shower. There was an air current, a draft. I trekked downstairs to find the window about a quarter open.
“That’s odd,” I mumbled to myself. Did I open the window for some reason and forget to close it? I immediately went to close it before making my way over to my kitchen to make some tea. There were some dishes I had forgotten to clean last night still in the sink. If I didn’t do it, it would never get done. With a sigh, I stripped the towels off myself and absently started to scrub the dishes, like I was just going through the motions. I worked at the dishes until they got that satisfying sparkle and came across a knife that I must have carelessly placed there. My hooves began to tremble as my mind started to wander at how dangerous a mishandled knife could be, but also how useful a properly handled one was. Life was delicate, like a butterfly. All it would take…
My ears perked up when my tea kettle began to whistle, and my focus shifted to the kettle. The water had come to a boil, so I retrieved a teacup and a tea bag from one of my cabinets. As I poured the scalding water into the cup, my gaze shifted back over to the sink with the knife still sitting inside. That’s when my hoof slipped and I dropped the tea kettle. Boiling water and ceramic shards went everywhere.
“Eeek!” I screamed as the water sprayed me. I was shocked, but that shock quickly turned into anguish and self-loathing, like I couldn’t do anything right. How could I make such a simple and clumsy mistake?
Shaking my head, I brought my teacup and a saucer over to my coffee table and plopped tiredly onto my couch. I needed to calm down before I could tackle that mess. The fact that I dropped and broke that kettle shook me, leaving my nerves rattled and my senses heightened. I was all too aware of myself. I didn’t like this feeling, not in the slightest. It was too much. Thinking about it made my muscles surge in frustration, and I leapt up and flew into the kitchen. I grabbed the knife from the sink, catching my face in the reflection of the blade. My expression of frustration instantly changed to that of sorrow, thinking back to the time when I thought I was becoming a monster by trying to assert myself. The thought of becoming…that hurt me much more than this knife ever could. I flew back over to the couch with the knife in my hooves.
“Why does it hurt…? It feels like I get hurt no matter what I do…and no creature notices…” I mumbled to myself, staring at the knife as my thoughts seemed to fight each other in my head. It was torment. Every day, I had to keep quiet with these loud thoughts in my head, and I pretended it was all alright. I couldn’t hold on forever, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I gripped the knife handle in my teeth and extended a foreleg.
“FLUTTERSHY!” Discord and Rainbow Dash screamed as they suddenly appeared in my living room. I shrieked and dropped the knife, and Rainbow Dash tackled me down onto the couch, tears threatening to break free from her eyes.
“Rainbow? D-Discord? What…? How? Why?” I stammered, blushing a bit as Rainbow Dash hugged me.
“Rainbow Dash and I were planning on giving you a surprise visit, and we encountered dear Angel Bunny on our way,” Discord explained, and I immediately noticed Angel sitting on his head. Immediately, I remembered the window being open and realized that Angel must have heard me sobbing in the shower after sleeping in, and he left the cottage to get help for me.
“He started signing to us and…Discord, show her,” Rainbow Dash chimed in, gesturing to Discord. He raised an eyebrow at her, and she groaned. “Please?” With a satisfied smile, Discord snapped his fingers, and the scene of their encounter began to play out in my mind.
“She’s gonna be so happy when she sees us!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, flying alongside Discord.
“Indeed, she will. Though, do tell, why are we flying there when we should just teleport?” Discord inquired, always one to be inclined for the most efficient form of travel.
“Think about it,” Rainbow Dash replied. “She’d want us to get to know each other, and we have time to do just that this way. Besides, it’s a surprise visit. We’re in no rush.”
“I suppose you have a point,” Discord conceded. “Honestly, her happiness is all I care about. I’ve been around a thousand years and change and, while a significant portion of it was as a glorified rock, I can’t say I’ve ever really lived until she opened her kind heart to me. I’ll never take her gift for granted.”
“You wanna know something? You make her happy just by being you,” Rainbow Dash assured, causing Discord to beam at her. She returned his smile with one of her own. It was then that she spotted some movement down below. “Hey, hold on. What’s that?”
“What?”
“That!”
Discord squinted and, among the sea of white below them, he could barely make out Angel’s frantic form jumping and waving at them. “It’s Angel Bunny! Come on!” The draconequus and the Pegasus descended before the little bunny, who seemed to be worked up in a panic.
“Alright, what’s going on, Angel? Is Fluttershy okay?” Rainbow Dash asked, concern washing over her.
Angel jumped up and snatched Rainbow Dash’s winter cap from her head, draped on ear over his face and laid down in the snow, the cap acting as a blanket and his face sad and somber. Then, he got up and kicked the cap off himself before signing motions reminiscent of washing oneself. Then, he made exaggerated crying motions.
“So you’re saying she had a hard time getting out of bed?” Rainbow Dash guessed, receiving a nod from the rabbit.
“And when she got up to shower, she started sobbing?” Discord added, snapping and teleporting Rainbow Dash’s cap back onto her head. Again, Angel frantically nodded.
“Something’s wrong! We gotta get there, pronto!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Way ahead of you!” Discord replied and snapped once more.
The scene cut out, which I assumed meant that’s the moment they all appeared in my living room.
“What in Equestria were you trying to do with that knife?” Discord inquired, trying to suppress the panic in his voice.
“We were so worried something happened to you,” Rainbow Dash informed her fellow Pegasus, choking a bit on her own words.
“I-I… I couldn’t take it anymore… I’ve had too much time with my own thoughts…thoughts I don’t want to have…” I sniffled and hugged Rainbow Dash. She wrapped her wings around me, and Discord appeared around us and held us both to his chest. “I can’t live like this…! I can’t be happy if I’m this alone… I can’t go on knowing nothing I’ve done matters!”
“Who says nothing you’ve done matters?” Discord asked, his voice filled to the brim with sympathy.
“Fluttershy, you’re one of the coolest ponies I know. You’ve helped me become a kinder and more patient pony,” Rainbow Dash informed me.
“I didn’t even know what friendship was before you gave me a chance, and my life will be forever better because of you,” Discord added.
“You provide refuge to so many animals and you’re always willing to lend an ear for any of us to vent to; you’re our silent savior! Whether you know it or not, you make huge differences in our lives just by being you,” Rainbow Dash continued, her words touching my heart and breaking down the doubts that haunted my every waking moment.
“Neither of us would be who we are today without you. I honestly wished we noticed something was wrong sooner,” Discord consoled me. “Call out to me next time, okay?” With a sniffle, I nodded.
“I’ll make more time for you, too, and I’ll even ask the others to do the same. No one wants to lose you, Fluttershy. I don’t know if you’re in the mindset to do this easily, but you gotta remember that others love you,” Rainbow told me. Again, I nodded and the two of them held me tighter. I was thankful that the two of them came to me before I did something I wouldn’t have a chance to regret.
There were plenty of creatures who consider themselves on the outside looking in when some creature they care about struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, but it meant more to me that Discord and Rainbow Dash looked in than not. It meant a lot to me that Angel went to seek help in my time of implosion. Every creature, even those who have a tolerance for solitude, needs another to rely on. No one can be strong all the time, and we’re all stronger for it.
