Comedic Burst of Funniness

Chapters

Where am I now? [REWRITTEN]
Less 'Civil' Security [REWRITTEN]
The CS Invasion
Noir Lime, the friendly neighborhood Ghost
Burstin' at the Seams
Christmas Get Together
M60E4 Troubles
Meet the Pyro
Non Operational Perfected Endearment dotting Average Valid Indetermination
Major Endearment of Enduring Men
Dreams of magical Breadskates
A Chapter With Actual Plot
The Infiltration Pt.1
Keepin' Things Fresh
Medieval AND Futuristic!
The Infiltration Pt. 2
Bro's Night Out
Sunrise the Foalsitter
A Night With the Princess
Entropy Zero 2: Still Alive
Entropy Zero 2: I am filled with MURDEROUS INTENT
Entropy Zero 2: First Day on the Job
Entropy Zero 2: Declaration of Friendship
King or Sum shit

Where am I now? [REWRITTEN]

Princess Cadence stood still, the speeding cold wind of the Crystal Tundra whipping around her, her scarf flapping in the wind.

She heard something. Something powerful, something... otherworldly. A huge boom, sounding worryingly close. The townsfolk had been spreading rumors about a monster roaming just outside the border. It would've been nothing to worry about, if a pony had not decided to greet it, resulting in nearly fatal burn wounds, our top doctors barely able to heal the damage.

Witness - 'The huge hulking monster had taken out some- some weapon that shot LASERS of- of fire, b-but it wasn't fire, it- it was something different, something more painful, something that seemed like it was made for- for killing and death and destruction! It had said something before- Enemy Spotted. It said in such a- a scary voice, I-'

Questioner - 'What did it sound like?'

Witness - 'It- it sounded like Nightmare Moon, b-but a hundred times scarier and in such a professional tone, like- like it was made for killing. Let me tell ya, it was SCARY!'

Cadence remembered reading the report, getting more and more concerned by the second. What was it? How dangerous? Is it an alien? Is it--

Crunch

Her head snapped to the left, barely hearing the noise over the wind. Whatever it was, it was big, and--

Crunch

--heading her way.

She crouched into a defensive stance, turning her whole body to face the incoming creature, horn glowing, incapacitation spell at the ready.

...

Nothing. Only the wind. Her horn glowed dimmer, but ready nonetheless. She stared into the white abyss for a while, awaiting anymore movement from whatever way out there.

With a confused look on her face, she canceled the spell, standing back up.

Suddenly, her neck was yanked backward, a burning sensation on the very edge of the fur on her neck. She looked down, not moving her head, barely seeing the edge of what seemed like a flat orange blade of light.

She attempted teleportation, but as soon as her horn glowed, five digits grasped her horn, causing a constant tingling sensation as her magic suddenly disappeared.

Out of options, she wanted to at least get to know who managed to hold her in such a vulnerable position.

"Who are y--" She was stopped as the burning sensation felt closer to her neck.

A deep, mechanical voice quietly spoke into her ear. "No speaking."

Fear spread through her body. No movement, no magic, and no talking.

'Celestia... Help me...'
2 Days Later...

Cadence had fallen asleep however long ago it had been. She was confused on why a bag was on her head, 'Why is this bag still on my head? Any kidnapper would've taken it off long ago.'

As if on cue, the bag was finally lifted off of her head, momentarily blinding her with the change in light.

Instead of waking up in a dark basement, as she had expected, she woke up... Back in her room?

She was confused, but the confusion melted away as she noticed the form of Flurry Heart sitting on the floor, staring up at her.

"Flurry?" Cadence asked, happy that she was safe. But Flurry sat there. unmoving.

"Flurry Heart? Are you okay?" Cadence asked, getting more concerned by the second.

The response to her question was not of Flurry Heart. It filled her heart with dread.

"Flurry Heart... What an interesting name..." The mechanical voice commented as the illusion melted away.

Cadence's face was covered in fear for a second but was replaced with anger.

"Don't you dare touch Flurry Heart!" She yelled at the monster, wherever it was. She then just noticed that it was completely dark.

"She is none of my concern," It said as it took a step into her vision, walking through the wall of darkness that surrounded her.

What she saw made her even more afraid for her life, along with her crystal ponies life. It was an 8-foot metal biped, many different objects on it's back, or at least from what she could see. It was completely brown, apart from dark lines at the pivot points of the armor, and the head having a visor covering most of the middle of the helmet, colored the same as his blades.

They stayed silent, studying each other.

"What are you?" Cadence asked.

"Classified," It answered, unmoving. Its arms were behind it's back, doing who knows what.

It straightened it's left arm to the floor, the flame-colored blade slowly emerging from the top of... whatever you call it. It was about half its length, stopping at four feet. She merely stared at the pulsing blade, fear showing in her eyes.

The behemoth slowly took a step towards her, covering the distance between them in a second. It stopped, staring into her eyes, Cadence doing the same. The blade rose to point straight out, stopping as Cadance turned to look at it once again, eyes widening.

"W-Wait, what are you doing?" Cadence stuttered as it turned the blade flat and slowly moved it towards her head. She whimpered as she shut her eyes, hanging her head, awaiting impending doom.

But it never came. Instead, she heard the telltale noise of a blade cutting through flesh and bone, but not hers. The noise was followed by a scream of pain before it was silenced by another slash and a sickening pop. She could feel a spray of unknown liquid covering her front. She dared not open her eyes, lest she confirms her greatest fear.

*Thud, thud, thud*

*Swish*

*Thump*

Before she could recover from gravity suddenly claiming her, she was grabbed roughly by two objects similar to the first creature's. She risked opening her eyes, hoping whatever was on the other side would be another pony come to save her.

Instead, she was staring directly into a large red eye, placed atop the round side of a white semicircular head.

“Let’s Rock!”

The deep robotic-sounding creature declared, dropping her and whipping around to face behind him. Immediately after, two more brown creatures emerged in the darkness on either side of the robot, wielding strange devices, which she assumed were weapons.

What happened next would be forever burned into her memory.

Time seemed to slow as the robot charged at the creature on the left, spinning to dodge a projectile that emitted from the weapon at sonic speed, if the loud, but slowed, bang was any indication. Before the brown creature could get another shot off, The robot used the momentum from his spin to insert a red energy blade through the creature's neck, causing it to pop in a shower of horrific gore.

The second brown creature took this opportunity to fire off a shot towards the white robot. In response, the robot quickly reached an arm around the torso of the dead one, whipping it around to use the corpse as a meat shield as he regained his footing.

Time sped back up. The last remaining brown creature poured shot after shot into the slowly advancing body, sending spray after spray of blood and body parts as the body jerked with each impact. By the time the robot reached the second creature, the corpse was merely a mangled torso, which was quickly thrust at the brown creature, knocking both the body and his weapon to the side.

Keeping up the pace, the creature quickly recovered and swung at the robot. The robot easily ducked the swing and grabbed his arm, and pulled them together, as if hugging.

“Now you see me-”

The creature panicked, wild punches and kicks bouncing off the robots armor plating, before all movement suddenly stopped with a shout of extreme pain. The second creature went limp.

“-Now you’re dead!”

The robot dumped the body, revealing a red blade as it slid out of the corpse’s torso. The robot quickly extended his right arm out towards the dropped weapon. Both the creature’s hand and the weapon’s handle began sparking large blue sparks. The weapon was quickly levitated into the robot’s hand, ending the sparks as the red blades were retracted and its left hand was placed under what looked like the grip under the barrel.

Yes, she studied the Griffon’s flintlocks, what of it?

Suddenly, a muffled boom shook the cave they were in, removing the black box of her vision as she was knocked back down from the sitting position she had managed to rise into during that battle.

“Now I’m really pissed off!”

The robot strode over, wrapping its left arm under and around her midsection, easily lifting her. It quickly darted into the hallway that was barely big enough for the both of them, traveling extremely fast despite carrying her.

Soon, they emerged into a gargantuan cavern, but the robot didn’t stop, despite the army of brown soldiers, all wielding various weapons, as well as multiple huge bipedal walkers, armed with single barrel cannons that she had only seen on historical Griffon warships.

The robot merely charged through the front lines, dodging bullets - and what seemed like blue blasts of magic - and protecting her from swinging blades all the while. She flattened her ears against her skull as tight as she could in vain attempt to block out all the bangs, explosions, and mixed wails of agony as the robot continued pushing through the waning forces of whoever he was fighting against. Eventually, a fist knocked her head, knocking her out.

“I’m not gonna fight you, I'm gonna kick your ass!”

She awoke to this line, which was quickly followed by the sound of a fast-moving projectile hitting metal, before a dying array of beeps that lowered in volume signified its quick and unexpected death.

“Princess.” An unknown voice spoke. She felt inclined to answer but kept her mouth shut as she heard thumps approaching her still body. It definitely wasn’t a guard.

“Princess?” The voice repeated questioningly, poking her side with the flat end of what she assumed was a barrel.

She then heard the telltale sounds of a defibrillator charging, followed by him yelling “Clear!”

She quickly rolled to the side, dodging the heart reviving device, opening her eyes to see who had saved her.

Lo and behold, it was a creature similar in build to the brown creatures, although noticeably beefier, except his colors consisted of white armor with a sickly green visor, which stared directly at her. A light on the white flintlock shaped, double-barrelled device flashed red, which she took as an oddly shaped defibrillator if the red cross was any indication.

The creature quickly put away the device, standing at attention, like a true soldier.

“Stand… down?” She tried. The creature obeyed, his figure visibly relaxing as she stood.

“PTS, ma’am?” He asked. She looked at him in confusion.

He continued before she asked the obvious question. “Permission to speak, ma’am.” He explained.

“Uh… sure, I guess.” She granted, rising to a standing position.

“Correction Nine, Codename Marine, Special Ops soldier, Ma’am.” He informed her, confirming her suspicions about him.

“So, what’re doing here?” She asked.

“Trapped here due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, Ma’am.” He answered.

“Okay… are you alone?” She inquired, hoping he was the only one.

“Allied soldiers, two! Civil Security, unknown! Usurpation Forces, last known number over invasion numbers.”

She did a double-take as he said invasion. “Wait, invasion?!” She yelled.

“You’re being invaded.” He confirmed.

“Where are your friends?” She quickly asked, trotting over to the figure who currently held his hands behind his back.

“Unknown last locations, ma’am.” He said, quieter due to her proximity.

“Find them!” She yelled.

“Yes, ma’am!” He shouted, before he backtracked two steps, and slammed a cylindrical object onto the ground. It exploded, sending him flying as she recoiled in surprise. She quickly looked up to catch a peek of the creature but was only met with a speeding white blur.

Shaking her head, she did a 180 and charged towards her castle, intent on warning Princess Celestia via letter.

Author's Note

First story with an actual long description. Hopefully I follow this through, and this doesn't end up a 1 chapter incomplete story that I completely forget about forever.

Less 'Civil' Security [REWRITTEN]

Author's Note

This chapter will be one of the few based off levels in-game. This one is based on level 1, level 2, and level 3. I accidentally mixed level 2 and 3 during writing, but instead of fixing it, I decided to go along with it. Enjoy!

Also, please remind me of any mistakes. It's easy to miss many mistakes when speed-typing on a phone.

Less 'Civil' Security [REWRITTEN]

It was falling through the atmosphere, barely noticeable due to the pod's size and the cover provided by the blizzard he was landing in. As soon as it made contact with the snow, it burst open, revealing the Marine, already in a crouching position immediately after landing, ready for any threat. After scanning the horizon, he was satisfied, standing up and lowering his gun. He took a step forward but stopped as he kicked something. He looked down and saw a civil security helmet, frozen over with a crack in its visor.

He picked up with his left hand, noticing the barely noticeable bloodstain in the snow. He made the connection. It wasn't a good one. Seconds after his revelation, a bullet whizzed past his head, causing him to leap over the pod, knock it over, and take cover behind it. He peeked over to take a shot with his assault rifle, shots still whizzing past his head. He counted two Heavies, two Lites, all pouring rounds in his direction.

It would be easy to take them out, their armor contrasting with the white snow, but the suppressing fire prevented him from doing so. He used tactics, priming a grenade. He held the cylindrical grenade until the light on the top turned red, then tossed it over, hearing the explosion and death noises of the Civil Security. He peeked over, the gunfire having ceased. He saw a pool of blood where the grenade had landed, noticing the heavy a couple of feet in front of the AOE. He had no legs, reaching up to him, praying for mercy, before flopping to the ground dead.

He watched the blood pool at the heavy's legs, thinking of his next move. But, almost instinctively, his head snapped up, noticing two drones in the distance, hovering in place, as if guarding a location. He leaped over the pod, weapon raised, heading towards the drones. He was about halfway there before he saw a blue rail gun projectile that was commonly used by Usurpation sidearms fly by the drone, getting its attention, which got the attention of the other. He stopped as the drones rotated towards the shot and started to do evasive maneuvers, which seemed like wild flying to the untrained eye, shooting at something that the Marine couldn't see.

Eventually, the two drones crashed to the ground, overpowered by alien forces. The Marine continued, determined to find and eliminate the usurpation forces. As he arrived at the destroyed drones, he noticed the large hole in the ground that they were guarding, inferring that it was where the alone fire originated from.

He jumped down the hole, barely noticing a blue light emanating from the pitch-black darkness around where he assumed the small tunnel ended. Wasting no time, he sprayed his weapon in its general direction, getting multiple sprays of glowing blue blood and an alien groan, broadcasting its death. Noticing the other Usurpation soldier in the common pair, he sprayed it as well, receiving the same result. He quickly hopped out of another hole, having cleared it out, continuing on.

He spotted two more Usurpation soldiers guarding yet another hole. He equipped his pistol and took his time to line up his shot, knowing that they hadn't spotted him. He fired, popping the head of the front one with a spray of blood. The plasma round continued his searing journey through the freezing storm, quickly meeting the head of the second soldier, who also met the same gruesome fate. Noticing that the hole was indeed a man-made hole, containing a Civil Security bunker door, he moved forward, stepping over the bodies of the dead aliens as he re-equipped his assault rifle, which was up and ready for anything.

The large bunker door automatically opened once he got close enough, slowly sliding down, revealing two more aliens. One stood on a raised platform, deeper in the room, while the other stood at his level, in front of the first.

Immediately, the Marine gunned down the close one, prompting the second to jump and fire his rail gun sidearm, hitting him in the chest, before he was gunned down as well. Due to his well-made armor, the rail projectile it barely fazed him, leaving only a small black mark. He continued farther into the facility, arriving at a door that led into a larger room. He peeked out, but his visibility of the room was blocked by a wall a few feet in front and openings above and below. He chose the top one, leaping up to the wall edge and clambered over, getting the attention of the alien guard posted on the opposite side, who leaped backward off the platform and prepared to fire, before a shot from the Marine's rifle cut through his head, ending him, leaving his corpse to fall and land on the tile beneath with a loud clang, alerting the rest of the Usurpation personnel in the room to his presence.

He saw movement from an opening on the wall in front of him, revealing another guard who was already aiming at him. The alien took a shot, which the Marine jumped to avoid as he sprayed through the opening, blowing the aliens right leg off with the force of his projectiles, then blasting his head open with a follow-up shot as the Marine hit the ground, landing on the corpse, the force of his landing blowing the body apart and showering the immediate surrounding area in blood and guts.

Catching two others off guard, one regular one as well as a white one, who were expecting him to come down the other side, he sprayed them down, heading down the short hallway behind them, which lead into another drop. 'Why are there so many holes?' He thought, looking down into the hole.

there was a small platform extruding from the wall halfway down, which had a yellow barrel perched on the edge. Detecting the unsuspecting soldiers down at the bottom, he raised his hand toward the barrel, palm forward, and activated his kinetic module, which emitted a blue spark from both his palm and the barrel. He brought his arm down, deactivating the module once his arm was fully lowered, the artificial kinetic energy forcing the barrel to fly off the end of the platform and down into the group of three aliens, killing one and injuring one other.

He jumped down, blasting the injured one once to fully kill him, before shooting the last one thrice in the chest, the force of his rounds pushing the dead body off the edge of another big hole, eliminating the group with ease. Another similar hallway on the other side held three more soldiers, who spotted him and began firing in his direction.

He let go of the weapon with his left hand, activating his PSI blade, deflecting the shot, grabbing his weapon again, and popping the head of the closest, all in one fluent movement. Before the other two shot, they both jumped towards him, attempting to move as much as possible to dodge his shots, which were ineffective as he sprayed them down with unrelenting determination.

He walked up to the edge of the hole, looking down. It went a fair way down, but just inside his vision, he saw a dot of blue which he identified as water. He leaped down as two soldiers teleported in with a blue spark halfway down the pit, falling the rest of the way down with him. As they hit the water, the Marine put his assault rifle on his back and equipped his PSI blades on both hands, swimming up to the scared soldiers like a shark approaching their prey and dispatching them with ease.

He continued on, the water continuing into a short tunnel that led back into an empty room. He flew out of the water and onto the floor, crouching with his weapon ready, soaking wet. He took a step and noticed a small indent, which he determined as an elevator landing area, right before the elevator slowly descended, revealing two more aliens. 'The CS troops posted here didn't stand a chance.' He thought in disbelief as he quickly took out the two with a clean collateral.

He stepped onto the elevator, which rose a fair way up into a room filled with what seemed to be small floating platforms, each topped with barrels. he looked left and saw another advanced soldier, this time equipped with a rocket launcher. He quickly leaped the opposite direction, narrowly avoiding direct impact with a rocket. There was a large door to the right, which he wall jumped off of to reach the higher platforms. There were two separate ones at the very top. He jumped to the one closer to the alien and gunned him down before he could even react.

He approached the platform the alien was recently perched atop, landing on the small outcropping lining the edge of the platform. He crouched down, wrenching the rocket launcher from the aliens cold, dead hands, wiping off the blue blood on the barrel of the CS-LitBro.

He turned around and noticed that the large door had opened. He exited the base, rocket launcher in hand, ready to kill anything that dare stand in his way.

The CS Invasion

Spike was dashing through the crystal halls, drifting left and right through the twists and turns, sweat dripping down his scales as he tried to get to the throne room as fast as possible. He turned the final corner, seeing Cadence and Shining armor sitting on the ground in front of the throne, seemingly concerned or even scared of something. He turned his head, seeing Flurry Heart to the side, playing with her blocks. He turned back to the princess and Twilight's brother but instead was met with... something else.

He bumped into it, getting sent into the ground, and quickly start to crawl backward, trying to see the top of whatever stood in front of him, but it faded away, leaving him with only a glimpse of a black sphere looking object with a red line, along with a fully black body like his, but much taller. What was that?

"Spike?" Cadence called questioningly, watching him stare up into nothing. "What's wrong?"

Spike looked back down to her, disbelief on his face. He heard faint hoof steps, starting from where he saw the strange creature before it quickly faded away as well through the hallway behind him, his keen hearing allowing him to follow the steps until they were gone.

"Spike!" Cadence yelled, making Spikes head snap back to her, seeing her beckon him over. He obediently got up and jogged over to her, plopping onto his rump next to her.

"What's wrong, Spike? You look like you've seen a Ghost," She asked. That last word having some weird significance in his mind.

"I don't know. I saw something with two legs, but before I saw it's face it just... faded away. like a bad dream was interrupted by Luna," He finally answered, gaining a confused look from both the ponies. After a second or two though, fear replaced the princess' confusion as she leaned forward.

"Was it tall?!" She frantically asked.

"Yea--" Spike answered, getting cut off by another question.

"Was it white?! Did it have a weapon?!" She shot off two questions in succession. Spike had to think about the second one for a moment, looking down at the ground.

"No, it was black, and... Maybe? I couldn't see its claws." Spike answered truthfully, looking back up at the panicking pony.

"Princess..." A guard called, getting the attention of the two ponies and dragon.

"I think something's--" He was cut off as blood started pouring out of his neck, his limp body falling to the ground immediately.

Cadence gasped. The three of them ran over, hoping to find out what befell this poor pony. She lifted him with her magic, looking over the dead guard's neck, noticing scars that looked like he was stabbed all the way through the neck with a burning blade.

"This doesn't look like the work of a pony," Cadance concluded.

Noir Lime continued running through the halls of this strange castle, not worrying about noise, only worrying about escape. He took many twists and turns in this grand building, finally finding a place to rest. He burst into a small room and shut the door behind him, slamming his back into the door to keep it shut if anything tried to enter, having deactivated his cloak halfway. He slid down the door, panting, staring into the dark nothingness of this empty room.

Suddenly, light filled his vision, revealing two rows of bunk beds on either side. he recognized it as an old school barracks.

"Hey!" His head snapped left, seeing another sparkling white horse clad in golden armor, an angry look on his face. Noir immediately whipped out his CS-Pro pistol, blasting a laser that cut through his head like a hot knife through butter. The guard fell, blood pooling at his head, as five more guards introduced themselves across the room.

He watched the horses rapidly approach in the long room as he leaned forward. before they reached him, he slammed his back into the door once more, shattering the wood door into splinters, immediately turning and running. He took potshots at the guards pouring out of the door, hitting one in the leg, knocking it down, and grazed the neck of another, leaving a black burn mark. He continued running as he watched bolts of energy whiz past his head.

Finally, one hit, blasting his leg. He let out a yelp of pain as he staggered, nearly stopping, but continued on, limping away, hoping to escape before he bled out. Another bolt hit his other leg, knocking him down with a cry of pain. As a final stand, he threw his pistol to the side, grabbing the C-02m from his back.

He flipped onto his back and sprayed into the stampede of golden-clad horses, gunning them down, filling the hall with screams of pain and red lasers. As suddenly as it had started, he ceased fire. All the horses lay dead, making a scene that would make any civilian puke. He dropped his arm, letting go of the weapon and allowing it to slide away and hit the wall with a metallic clank. He noticed that the recoil from the war machine had pushed him back a considerable amount. He let his head fall to the ground, awaiting his suits systems to recognize that he was not in combat and start the regeneration process.

*static* Noir Lime, come i- *static* Noir Lime, respond! *static* Noir! Speak, dam- *static*

NOIR!

Noir Lime awoke with a start, gasping and panting under his helmet.

“Noir Lime, this is *static* -me in. I repeat, this is Pr- *static* -in!”

“This is Noir Lime, please repeat credentials.”

“Finally! This is Proxy, alongside *static* -re awaiting your coordinates.”

“Copy. Coordinates unknown, location unknown, planet unknown. Noir Lime is LIS. I repeat, Noir Lime is L. I. S. Will continue to search for a way off this planet.”

“Noir, listen to me! We aren't in our universe anymore! We’re in a different f- *static* timeline altogether!”

“Noted, Proxy. Beginning location approximation of world crudely nicknamed Cartoon Land.”

“Stay put soldier. We’re coming to find you. Marine out.”

“Don't do anything stupid before we get there. Proxy out.”

“I'm afraid you're too late to prevent my actions. Possible hasty exit requested. Noir Lime out.”

Noir Lime quickly stood, darting to his weapon and grabbing it while simultaneously activating his cloak, which extended its abilities to whatever weapon he held, making his C-02m equally undetectable. He didn't move far however, respecting his orders and standing still as a statue against the wall, his weapon at the ready.

“What happened here?” Princess Cadance inquired the medic.

“No idea, princess. No surviving witnesses to recount what happened here, so your guess is as good as mine.”

Cadance stared at the mass of mangled bodies and dried blood with a mix of disgust and fear. From what she could tell, this was the work of the behemoth, but it did promise to not harm a soul if she helped it get home. So who did it?

“My apologies,” a deep ethereal voice arose from nowhere, making her blood run cold.

“I was pressed into a fight or flight situation…” she heard hoof steps approach her, before stopping in front of her.“... so I did what I was trained to do...”

A black figure similar to the behemoth, although slimmer, faded into existence, it's hands behind its back like the behemoth stood. What it said next chilled her to the bone, being said in a way that would instill fear and convey years of experience and war.

“.. kill.” It hissed, staring down at her as she glared up at it.

“But do not worry.” It faded away once more, it's footsteps retreating back to where they came.

“My orders are to wait for my comrades.” Her eyes widened. There are even more?!

“How many of you are there?!” She unintentionally said out loud.

“Civil Security… More than one can count. Us heroes… only three.” another wave of fear snakes its way through her body.

“S-Civil Security? I'm guessing they’re enemies too?” she asked.

“I don't know why, but yes.” His voice echoed in the grand hallway. He said it in such a way that showed that he was once a part of this group. “But if it's the Ghosts… And they send the horde…” He whispered the last part of that statement directly in her ear.

“You don't stand a chance.”

Author's Note

My plan is to incorporate the ghosts as a massive horde, where each individual is nearly impossible to kill without using the PSI's, which would play in their favor as they would swarm the protagonists. Any ideas on this?

Noir Lime, the friendly neighborhood Ghost

“Noir Lime, you’ve got a mission,” Marine informed over the radio.

“You've been tasked with guarding Princess Mi Amore Cadenza’s little filly, Flurry Heart. You will be guarding her in Canterlot’s throne room during a summit with the Griffon kingdom regarding all princesses. This will be huge for them, so we expect you to make a good impression on them.

“We expect you to keep it clean, so only your handgun is allowed. Keep an eye on it, we've been informed she’s a trickster, prone to escape and robbery. We have been told that it's mere curiosity, so do not take it as an offense to the state.

“She is considered a foal, so the Princess expects you to do a few baby-related activities, such as feeding. She is expected to be asleep in her bed near the end of the Summit. They will have changed her diaper beforehand to prevent any species related troubles.

“All crystal guards available will be accompanying the princess, so you will not have help if things go haywire. Griffon Dignitaries may be brought to Flurry Heart for matters unexplained to us, so be prepared for visitors within a half-hour of the summit beginning. Under my orders, you will pat down each guest and utilize your issued changeling detector. This includes the parents. Subdue and incapacitate if a single discrepancy is detected. Hold in custody until said discrepancy can be cleared. All prisoners taken are to be released to the princess under her discretion at the end of your job.

“Proxy was assigned to protect the Griffon party throughout, so do not forget to pat down and scan her. No person, pony, or Griffon is excluded from this treatment as long as they are expected within PSI distance of the princess’s daughter.

“This is huge for our alliance with Equestria as well. Do not fail me. Good luck. Marine out.”

***

Noir Lime was currently standing inside the room on the opposite side of where the door swung in, CS-Pro in his right hand. Utilizing the barely detectable magic a changeling gave off in the scanner, which was handcrafted by him as a chip that he inserted in the back of his helmet, which creates an overlay on his visor that scans any living creature in sight without him saying or doing a thing.

There was barely any room between the door frame and the wall to his right for him to fit his armor, as it was only two feet. The distance on the left, however, was seven feet, along with the door being three, which added up to twelve feet wide. The perpendicular walls were ten feet long and reached up to be eight feet tall. There was a crib tucked into the corner in front of him, along with a toy box tucked into the corner opposite the crib, entirely hot pink with golden rounded corners and edges, and is about the size of the crib.

The box was open and toys littered the floor. Flurry Heart sat in the final corner, stacking the multi-colored blocks as high as she could reach, effectively creating wooden bars around her.

“Bah!" She exclaimed, giggling as she knocked over a section of the bars she made. She did the same with the other two, before laughing playfully and clapping her hooves after creating a pile of wooden blocks in front of her. She repeated this multiple times, each design different.

But then she went silent. He looked over at the corner. He gripped his gun tighter after noticing that Flurry Heart wasn't there.

“Bah!"

He felt a tap on his shin. He looked down and saw Flurry, smiling up at him with a hoof on his shin.

“Bah!” she repeated, tapping his shin again.

“Bah?" She said, tapping his shin multiple times. After she finished, she sat there, a slight frown on her face as she worked out the logistics on how to knock him down. Eventually, she just repeated the tap once more, without a bah.

All of a sudden, Noir Lime fell, sliding down the corner and spreading his legs around either side of her, acting as if he fell in combat.

She laughed once more as she clapped, the smile returning to her face. He grinned slightly at her display.

As he sat, Flurry felt it fit to explore the anatomy of her new friend. She ran a hoof down his left leg, running over the curves and edges of his armor before stopping at the top of his foot. She slowly continued up and over his toes. As she touched the sole of his boot, he pulled his leg back sharply, causing her to quickly retract her hoof in fear.

She decided to leave his foot alone and moved on to his arm. She decided to start at the biceps, grabbing a hold of his arm with both hooves. She grunted in effort as she tried to lift his armored arm. He moved his arm up, Flurry making an ‘ahh’ sound as she moved it this way and that, him following her movements to make her think she was moving it.

Eventually, she noticed his fingers, watching them wiggle in a wave-like pattern as she slowly stopped moving his arm. He held his arm out as she slowly lowered her hooves, moving under his fingers. She slowly raised a hoof up to it. She gasped in surprise as his fingers grabbed the top of her hoof. As she tried to escape, his other hand quietly placed the gun on the floor and snuck up to her silently, stopping just behind her.

Suddenly, he let go as she yanked, dropping her into his right hand, her head landing on his right leg as his left hand quickly lowered and started to tickle her stomach. She immediately started laughing and giggling as she squirmed, making no attempt to actually escape now.

Eventually, the laughter died down as his hand moved up her body, stopping at the crook after her left foreleg and scratching it as her right hindleg started kicking his left in instinctual pleasure. She closed her eyes as a content smile made its way onto her face, her body laying in Noir Lime’s lap.

After an hour of scratching, and no visit from the Griffins, he heard knocking on the door. He did nothing but move his left leg to allow entrance to whoever was knocking. Princess Cadence walked in, along with her husband, Shining Armor.

“Flurry?" She called. He looked down as Flurry mumbled in her sleep, turning over to face him. He made a shushing sound, causing the pair to turn and look at them.

“Aw, she’s so cute!" Cadence whispered, coming closer. He held out his left hand, stopping them from coming any closer.

“Oh right, the scan!" She whispered, waiting patiently as he moved his hand to the back of his helmet, pushing a button to activate the scanner. They were both fine, so he had no need to pat them down… although he also didn't want to get up in fear of waking up the sleeping filly. He turned off the scanner and lowered his hand.

“Nwhi…” Flurry mumbled as Cadence slowly lifted the filly out of his grasp and into the crib, raising the bars as the couple trotted to it, peeking in as it locked into place.

Princess Cadence looked back at Noir Lime as he rose and dusted himself off, grabbing the gun and placing it on his right hip.

“Thank you, Noir Lime,” Cadence whispered with a grateful smile. He saluted her as Shining Armor levitated a blanket to cover Flurry Heart.

“You are dismissed.” Princess Cadence ordered, turning back to the filly and her husband.

He waited until he was outside the door and it was closed behind him before speaking.

“Mission successful. No problems detected. All side orders completed. Would do again.” He spoke into his built-in headset.

“Copy. You have just done our nation and entire world a great honor. Great job. I will recommend you to babysitting services.” Marine added the last part as a joke, but they both knew Noir Lime doesn’t have a sense of humor.

“Negative, Marine. I will babysit Flurry Heart specifically again.” Noir corrected.

“Copy. Marine out.”

Author's Note

For some strange reason, I had an urge to write the interaction between Flurry and Noir in first person. I guess I have a subconscious desire to babysit the godly baby of a pony princess and a royal guard and have a really cute experience.
Holy shit, I'm dead inside.

Burstin' at the Seams

“Mission debrief?" Noir asked.

“I'm -shit!- busy right now.” Marine answered.

“What are you doing?" Celestia asked.

“Camping." He simply replied.

“What kind of camping are you doing?" She asked.

“The kind where I constantly get attacked to keep me on guard at all times.” He said.

“That's not camping."

“What do you call it then?"

“Survival."

“... Either way, that's what I'm doing."

“Well, when you're done with that, I need you for guard detail. Debrief at 0330.” She said.

“Understood,” Marine responded professionally.

“What about me? All I've done since we got here is clean shop." Proxy complained.

“We've never had a need for your services, especially since we didn't want to bother you while you selflessly protected my little ponies,” Celestia explained.

“... Okay, but can I switch with Noir or Marine eventually? I can get bored too, ya know." Proxy asked.

“I can have arrangements made to identify each instance of you protecting my little ponies as a guard detail.” Celestia offered.

“I guess so." Proxy sighed. “Just don't forget I can do other stuff."

“I won't,” Celestia assured her.

“What the- Proxy, ya missed some of those sons of bi-*static*.” Marine informed her as a couple of gunshots sounded, each followed by a respective grunt of pain before the expected death wail invaded their ears, soon manually cut off for the peace of mind of Celestia.

“Cleanup detail?" Celestia asked flatly.

Static sounded for a second before it cut off, signaling that Marine turned the mic back on. “Please," Marine replied.

“I should assign a whole squad called ‘Cleaning up the big Alien's messes.’” Celestia muttered to herself, which unfortunately transferred over the mic due to her not turning it off.

“I think ‘Security clean up’ sounds better," Noir commented.

“What about ‘Planetary Alien Clean up’?” Proxy suggested.

“That just sounds like everybody hates aliens," Noir said.

“Everypony.” Celestia corrected.

“Your highness, everypony encompasses the pony species, and from I can tell, there's much more than just ponies on this planet, so everybody would be all-encompassing without favoring a single species over others.” Noir lectured.

“So? You're with ponies." Celestia flatly responded.

“Be that as it may, the Boss, Proxy, and me are human, and I'm not a racist… species-ist? Whatever." Noir said.

“Fair point. But here, when we speak about another species, we say anycreature, everycreature, etcetera.” Celestia informed him.

“Hmm. Well, everybody works just fine, so I'm not willing to adapt to a new language because of cultural differences.” Noir told her.

“I'm not asking you to speak our way to be culturally accepted, I'm asking you to speak our way so that we may better understand you,” Celestia explained.

“It may also help our public image," Marine commented.

“I second that." Proxy agreed.

“... I hate you all." Noir spat.

“Even me, dearest lime?” Celestia said in a jokingly seductive way.

“Don't call me a fucking lime.” He threatened.

“Noted," Celestia replied in a successful tone. “Anyway, back to business. Marine, would you like to take your party and hoof pick a cleanup squad?” Celestia asked.

“Handpicked.” Noir sarcastically added.

“When?" Marine said, ignoring Noir’s comment.

“Whenever all three of you are available," Celestia responded.

“Noir?" Marine called.

“I can go." He replied.

“Proxy?"

“I'll go." She answered.

“Copy. Princess Celestia, we are available to handpick a cleanup squad anytime within the rest of today." Marine confirmed.

“Understood. If you begin the trek now, I could have a few of my best Royal Guards ready by the time Marine arrives.” Celestia explained.

“Copy. We will gather our weapons then make our way to a rendezvous in the…” Marine trailed off, waiting for Princess Celestia to complete his sentence.

“Throne room is fine." She said.

“... Throne room. Post haste, soldiers. Marine out." He finished.

“Understood. Proxy out."

“I may be a bit delayed since I think I'm the only one whose weapons were taken and stored, but I'll be there. Noir Lime out.”

“I will meet you there as soon as possible. Princess… Celestia… out?” She said, confused.

“Call sign Overlord," Marine said.

“Overlord out. Ooh, that sounds nice." She said that last part to herself.

Next Day
0700 hours

“I need clean up, and maybe a little -oh sh*static*- help!” Proxy yelled over the mic.

“Understood, where are you?" Captain Hoofguard, one of their female handpicked squad members, answered.

“Negative, this is a Usurpation -woah!- executive escort, they got BNGs and the like, you couldn't handle them!” Proxy rejected.

“With all due respect ma’am, you picked us because we could handle these types of threats. Where are you?” She said with force.

“I know, but -Oh god!- this is a fucking Avengers level threat! I'm requesting Marine’s and Noir’s help!” She exclaimed.

“I'm busy, Proxy. I will assist immediately after my summit with King Thorax in Canterlot Castle." He answered, gaining a concerned look from said king.

“Same. I'm helping with matters of national security." Noir responded.

“What's more important than a fucking alien invasion?!” Proxy screamed at Noir.

“Nothing, just that fact that I Pinkie promised to help with a party.” Noir simply said.

“I don't give a shit! HELP ME!” She screeched over the mic.

“Fine. Guess I'll just have to ditch her.” Noir sighed. “That'll be fun."

“Noir will assist you. Good luck, soldiers." Marine stated.

“GET YOUR FAT ASS OVER HERE! I'M GETTING PUMMELED!” She screeched again, loud enough for King Thorax to hear.

“We can just reschedule.” King Thorax told him. “Go get ‘em, soldier," Thorax said with a soft smile. Marine stare at him for a moment before nodding, raisin his ray gun and raising it while preparing to sprint away.

“I've been excused, Proxy. Give us your position.” Marine ordered.

“THEY'VE TAKEN OVER THE FUCKING HIVE! OH, GOD!” She was cut off by a huge explosion, effectively cutting off transmissions from her.

“Wait, the hive? Our hive?” King Thorax asked, a mix of surprise and anger growing on his face.

“Stay here. We will deal with them. Coordinate with the princesses about living conditions. Tell her not to send the cleanup crew without one of our permission.” Marine ordered, sprinting out of the room immediately after finishing.

Captain Hoofguard switched her frequency to their personal channel.

“Alien Special Services, we got a problem!" The unicorn exclaimed, already on the way to the hive, against Proxy’s orders.

“Why do we have to be called A.S.S.?” Private Lone Feather complained in her usual way.

“Zip it and listen!” Private Iron Clad hissed, in his jerky/professional way.

“Badlands Changeling Hive, hostile aliens. Very clear difference from our own. Rendezvous at-” she summarized.

“Human or pony?" Feather interrupted.

“Lone Feather, I swear to Celestia-” Iron-Clad spat before Hoofguard continued.

“You'll do what?” Lone Feather asked.

“Don't interrupt me, you-”

“Rendezvous two klicks from the battle, and stay hidden until further notice.” She ordered.

“...Copy. Iron Clad out.”

“Got it. Pegasus out.” Feather chuckled, as if she could feel the growl emitting from Iron Clad right now.

Post Battle
2 Hours Later

“Handguard, I swear to god-” Proxy started.

“Don't worry, Proxy. I've taken control of her punishment decisions due to heroic actions that saved your life.” The princess said.

“But princess, they-” Proxy started again.

“Ah-ah, no buts." Princess Celestia tutted her in a motherly tone.

“Goddamn it, princess! They could've died!” Proxy yelled.

“I know, dear, and she will be court-martialed, but I do not feel right to submit her under your war covered hand,” Celestia said.

“I am their superior! You put them under my command! I am entitled to decide their punishment!” Proxy argued.

“Technically, I put them under Marine's command.” Celestia corrected.

“You fucking-”

“Proxy! That's enough! Drop it!" Marine ordered.

“Sir, with all due respect-”

“Whatever comes out of your mouth next better be an apology, or I will personally derank you to Iron Clad’s rank,” Marine warned.

“Mother… Fine. I'm sorry.” Proxy admitted.

“What about me? She did screech at me, too." Noir decided to come in.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU-” Proxy was silenced as Marine removed her from that frequency.

“That's enough outta you," Marine said.

“Shall I tell her she’s not allowed to participate in the court martialing of Captain Hoofguard?”

Noir chuckled. “If you do that, she'll beat the shit outta you, whether your a princess or not. She loves to see justice given.” Noir advised the princess.

“She will be allowed to attend, but not speak." Marine decided.

“Let's see what she has to say," Celestia said.

“PIG LOOKIN’ ASS HELL SPAW-”

“Yeah, she's not stopping anytime soon. I'll give it an hour. ” Marine said.

“Understood." Princess Celestia agreed.

“Should we pick out a replacement captain in the event Handguard is kicked?” Noir asked.

“You do that. I need to get back to the summit. Marine out.” He said.

“I guess I'll inform the rest of the cleanup squad. Overlord out."

“Copy. Noir Lime out."

Day After Court
0730 Hours

“...Guys?" Hoofguard nervously asked on their personal channel.

“Yes?” The now suspended Iron Clad asked flatly.

“Is Lone Feather here?” Hoofguard inquired meekly.

“Classified.” Iron Clad said.

“Okay… Um…” She hesitated.

“I just… Wanna say I'm sorry.” She said. Iron Clad said nothing.

“I’m sorry that I forced you to go, I’m sorry that I got you suspended, I-I’m-” She paused, tears welling up as she continued to speak.

“I’m sorry I let you guys down! I didn't even do that well, you guys carried me the whole time, and I missed every shot and-” She broke down into tears, her ears flat against her head as her body slumped over, gasps and sobs wracking her desperate body as her speech turned incomprehensible.

“Hoofguard.” Iron Clad said.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Hoofguard mumbled in between her sobs as Iron Clad listened on, his resolve breaking.

“I… accept your apology.” Iron Clad said. If Hoofguard was with him in person, she would’ve hugged him, but they weren’t allowed together while Iron Clad and Lone Feather were suspended for a month.

“T-Thank you… Thank you s-so much…” She said.

“M-Maybe we could… could m-meet somewhere, not too long, but just-”

“Hoofguard, you know we can’t see each other.” Iron Clad reminded her.

“I-I know…” Her sobs grew louder.

“Listen, I can ask Princess Cadance to shield us for a day to meet, but no more. Surely she would understand.” Iron Clad told her.

“Oh, t-thank you… I-I can't begin to tell you how much I l-love you…” Iron Clad’s eyes widened as she unintentionally revealed their secret.

“So you're in love?" Lone Feather asked.

“N-No… Not now… P-Please…” Hoofguard's crying reached an unacceptable level for the old earth pony.

“Shut up, pegasus. We're dealing with something.” Iron Clad ordered.

“You're not the boss of me.” Feather rebutted.

“P-Please… D-Don't tell… I don't wanna l-lose everything…” Hoofguard wept, her sobs turning into wails that assaulted all of their ears.

“Who says I gotta listen to you?" Feather replied.

“Goddamn it, pegasus!” Iron Clad stamped a hoof, creating a small crater in his wooden floor from the anger put behind it.

“Can't you hear the state she’s in? If you tell, she’ll never find work in her profession again!” Iron Clad yelled.

“W-Well… Umm…" Feather tried to formulate a response, but each was shot down with each gasp of the ex-captain. Instead of speaking, he elected to stay silent.

“L-Lone Feather out." He stammered as he deafened himself, unable to hear the other ponies, as well as not being able to speak with them.

“I'll use every tool at my disposal to convince the princess." Iron Clad assured the wailing mare.

“E-Even illegally?” She asked hopefully.

“... If it comes to that. Iron Clad out." He deafened too.

“T-Thank you… Thank you so m-much…” Hoofguard said to nopony in particular.

“Thank you for meeting with me, Princess Cadence." Iron Clad said with a bow as he watched Cadence smile from her throne.

Iron-Clad glanced nervously as Noir Lime, who stood beside her throne.

“Umm… can we speak privately?” Iron Clad asked.

“You are dismissed, noir,” Cadence said, glancing at the tall figure.

Noir nodded and slowly exited the room, Iron Clad’s eyes following him until the doors shut behind Noir.

His eyes snapped back to the princess. “I want to ask you a favor.” He asked.

“What do you want?” Cadence asked.

“I… you…” He was unsure about how to start.

“Go on. I won’t judge.” She assured the panicking pony.

“Can you keep a secret?” He blurted out.

“A secret? Sure.” She answered.

“Pinkie promise?” He asked, leaning closer slightly.

“...sure.” She said, confused at why he wanted to keep this request such a secret.

“Me and Captai… Hoofguard are in a relationship.” He reluctantly said.

“This surely is a... surprise. But I assume that you’re not asking for my acceptance of this development, correct?” She said, getting a frantic nod.

“I’m worried about her. We spoke over the headset yesterday, and by the end of our talk, and Lone Feathers damn interference, she was wailing.” He explained, putting a concerned look on the princess’s face.

“Is she okay?” Cadence asked.

“She’s fine now only because I promised to speak with you.” He continued. Tears began to well up in his eyes, which was unusual for the normally stone-cold guard.

“I… request that you hold us for a day in secret so that I may calm her fears and prepare her for the lonely month ahead.” He finally said.

“Oh…” She looked down at the crystal floor with a mix of concern and sadness.

“Princess…” He softly called. She looked up at the disheveled earth pony in front of her, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Please give us this. I told her, and I will tell you that I am willing to meet with her illegally. Please don’t let it come to that.” He said.

Princess Cadence stared into his eyes, watching his conflicted emotions swirl in his love-driven request as she thought about it. As time went by, his resolve whittled away, along with his hope as the princess sat as still as a statue, merely spectating the war of emotion on his face as her own mind was conflicted between appealing to her political or emotional sides.

“Iron Clad.” His ears perked up at his name. “I will accept your request.” His face brightened before she continued.

“On two conditions.” His face slightly darkened, but not enough to break the hope that was visibly flowing through him as he stood.

“One: you stay with her for as long as she loves you.” He quickly nodded.

“Two: if you two end up married, you will tell Marine about this encounter, and I will back you up if he does anything rash.” He hesitated but nodded nonetheless.

“Good. Midnight tonight to midnight tomorrow night.” She told him with a smile. He started to grin ear to ear.

“You’ve got... “ She checked her imaginary watch. “Two hours before I order a castle wide guard congregation.” Her horn began glowing with pink energy. “Don’t be late.” She finished as her magic enveloped the lovestruck guard, teleporting him as close to his marefriend as unsuspiciously as possible.

She smiled dumbly as a thought crossed her mind. ‘That definitely wasn’t on the chart.’

Author's Note

Ironguard. You like?

Christmas Get Together

Noir had heard Princess Cadence talk about a yearly meetup. For security reasons, she told me that a group of different characters will meet her in a specific place and that she wanted to take him, his human friends, Flurry Heart, and Shining Armor to meet them. She said Pinkie will be there too, but only because she’s planning a party for about sixteen people, most of which being human and five of said humans were literal gods from different universes, so she said it would make sense for the universe hopping gods to meet the time travelers.

She also said our full arsenal was allowed. Noir questioned her as to why, to which she said it wouldn’t make sense to approach the merry band of immortal beings with nothing less than his full power, as apparently, two of them have easily accessible pocket dimensions, and one will arrive in a war vehicle capable of quelling thousand strong armies and vehicles similar to it. Plus, two others constantly argued about religion, so having a weapon would repel their hate speech to a weaponless guard.

One doesn’t speak at all, except for a low eternal mumble, so at least he didn’t have to try talking to her. She even said that one of them will be arriving in an old age human AA tank, while another transports them through space in his massive remote-controlled fleet. One thing kept him on edge, however: out of the five gods, three were only considered gods due to their pocket dimensions and immortal status, and one because of ability that she never wants to witness. The one who put him on edge was the one who openly flaunted his power. The one who called himself Lunatic.

He was slightly reluctant to allow Flurry Heart to meet them, but she told him that they were all friendly, since they all understood the importance of Christmas, and especially to a royal child of an empire literally run on friendship. He elected to hold Flurry Heart, both to allow her to be at eye level of half of them and to calm his nerves about her safety. He was even prepared to sacrifice himself to save her, which Cadence thought was a bit too extreme.

“Trust.” She had said, the single word penetrating his frayed nerves. “That’s why they don’t attack immediately upon arrival. They trust us, and we trust them.” She softly spoke to him, suppressing his overbearing emotions and letting the singular word bounce around in his organized mind, filling his mind and breaking his mental barrier, to which his body responded in earnest by freezing his muscles in a standing position to force him to reflect upon past experiences of trust and fully understand the importance of his first contact with these deities.

That’s what was happening right now, as an old human soldier stared into his eyes in concern.

“Is he okay?” Warpig asked, waving a hand in front of the other soldiers face, before lowering it after realizing he couldn’t see the eyes under the visor.

“Is he okay?” He asked again, quieter this time as he looked at the filly who was being held in Noir’s grasp.

The filly responded with a bah, rolling onto her stomach and pushing herself up on his hands and turning towards the human, looking up at his head from her position at his chest. She reared up and held herself steady on his shoulders, blocking the view from within the visor as she looked into the dark interior with concern clear on her developing features.

“Bah?” She said, attempting to shake the man out of his stupor with pure cuteness.

“Bah!” She said, tapping the tinted visor with a hoof, similar to when they first met.

For a moment, he remained perfectly still. Then, little by little, his body began to lean backward, before gravity made itself known and brung him crashing down, the filly splayed on his chest and held in place by his hands, which now held her close to his chest to keep her safe as he fell.

She giggled as he lifted her up, straightening his arms as she squirmed playfully in his grasp. Warpig looked down at them with a dumb smile on his face.

“Awww…”

Slowly, Noir stood up, holding Flurry close to him by her stomach as he scratched between her ears with his left hand, following her head down as she lowered it to rest on his arm, releasing control of said ears as they slowly lowered to rest against her head while she relaxed, her eyes closed to block any exterior distractions so she may enjoy as much of his touch as possible as a small vibration that he couldn’t feel under his armor accompanied a low purring noise.

He glanced over at the Celestia sized pony, who’s ears noticeably perked up under the hood of her entire body cloak as she listened to the small filly purr, watching the relaxed filly with interest. He chuckled, which gained the mumbling pony’s attention as she looked up at him.

He looked into her tiny white dots for eyes for a moment before speaking. “You want some of me, dontcha, miss spooky?” Noir joked, watching the mare’s ears involuntarily flatten on her head as she avoided eye contact, looking at the filly again.

Two other figures to her left roared in laughter, their half-as-tall-as-Warpig bodies rolling on the floor as their M60E4’s laid next to them on the ground. The Celestial body looked to the opposite side, her hood slightly pulled away from her muzzle, revealing a dark grey muzzle sewn shut with thick black thread shaped into X’s.

As this happened, a human clad in a classic astronaut spacesuit, although much smaller and colored jet black, approached him, extending a hand from behind his back for a shake. “I’m sorry about those two. My name is PigglesWorth.” They stood awkwardly for a moment before PigglesWorth glanced at the figure he held.

“Oh, right.” He said, retracting his hand. “Anyway, I should get introductions out of the way. If your friends would kindly join us?” He asked, taking a step back to see all three of them once they arrived.

“Boss, Proxy, PigglesWorth want to greet us together,” Noir told them over the mic, switching the others to exterior speakers so PigglesWorth could hear their response.

“Copy. Hold that filly tight, we’re coming in hot.” Noir’s petting hand lowered to hold Flurry’s body closer, to which Flurry audibly opposed. Not long after, he heard gunshots and explosions approaching them, turning to the door. He stepped to the side, motioning for everybody else to clear the front of the door in the large log cabin.

As soon as Celestial stepped to the side, an explosion shook the building, gunshots and death wails filling the air. Noir covered the shaking filly’s ears, still staring at the door. Eventually, after one last massive explosion that knocked some dishes off the counter in the kitchen that shattered on the floor, all the noises stopped.

The door swung open, letting in Marine, followed by Proxy, who shut the door with her foot as she slid her reloading railgun onto her back, Marine doing the same with his assault rifle.

“Sorry, we’re late. Got a little caught up.” Marine said, scanning the room filled with many different bodies, along with two terrified ponies who shook to the core, and a slightly shivering filly, who was shielded from the noises under Noir’s armored gloves, which soon found themselves petting her again, which ceased her shivering and returned her to her previous position, purring under his touch.

“I apologize for any grief I may have caused you, Princess Cadenza,” Marine said, bowing to the princess.

“It’s… it’s fine. Celestia told me how… scary you were, I just wasn’t sure how scary.” She admitted.

Shining looked at the human appreciatively. “Just give us a minute.” He told Marine.

Marine nodded and turned back to the band of merry gods and mortals alike.

“So,” Marine announced, clapping his hands together with a metallic clang, which slightly startled him as he was used to a normal clap. “Shall we get started?”

“So he says to me, he says…” Marine paused, holding a wine bottle in his hand as his grizzly features smiled drunkenly. He had a surprisingly clean-shaven face, as he rarely takes off his helmet. He had a tanned complexion along with Ruby red eyes, both of which were half-lidded as his bob cut stayed completely still on his head.

“Throw the cheese!” He exclaimed, mimicking throwing a block of cheese by throwing his helmet across the room as he burst into hearty laughter, the two M60E4 wielding soldiers joining in his drunken laughter.

Meanwhile, Proxy stood in the wide door frame leading into the kitchen, leaning on it with her arms crossed as she stared at her boss’s face, as this was her first time seeing it too. She also had to dodge his helmet, but that’s irrelevant.

“He’s purty, huh?” The Lone Wanderer slurred, leaning against her as she held a bottle of Bud Light, staring starry-eyed at the futuristic soldier, the Christmas Carols drifting into Proxy’s ears as she tried to ignore the drunk women. Unfortunately, she spoke louder than the nearly silent accursed music.

“You could say that.” Proxy replied.

“Yet you’ve never even tried to hit it.” The Wanderer deducted. Proxy said nothing.

“Look at ‘im! If I wasn’t married, I would totally try to get with that hunk!” She exclaimed, making Proxy cringe at her 1990’s expressions.

She then looked at the ground as she remembered something. “Oh wait, Nate died.” She mumbled to herself.

She looked back up to Marine, stumbling towards the soldier who was currently telling another joke. “Wait for me, oh great soldier!”

Proxy watched as they spoke for a bit, Marine quickly inviting her to sit in his lap, to which she gladly accepted, sitting down on his armor and snuggling into her new drunken love. Proxy scoffed and looked back down, trying to ignore the festivities.

“Why aren’t you with him?” PigglesWorth suddenly asked from right beside her. If she wasn’t used to surprises from invisible assailants, she would’ve jumped.

“Seems like he already got a girl.” She mumbled, just loud enough for him to hear, pointing his attention over towards the snuggling humans.

“It’s drunken love, they’ll get over it.” He dismissively said. “What I mean is why aren’t you enjoying the party?”

“I was never one for parties. They tried throwing me a surprise birthday party two years ago. I put Noir in critical condition.” She explained, cringing at the image that swirled in her mind. She heard an echoey ‘surprise!’ accompanied by Noir and Marine with a cake in between them, party hats on their helmets. She squeezed her eyes shut as the next part of the memory played out. Echoey gunshots, punctuated by a scream of pain that had burned itself into her subconscious.

PigglesWorth wrapped an arm around her shoulders as tears formed at the corners of her eyes, slightly pressing into her in a comforting way as they remained silent for a moment.

“Don’t worry, Proxy.” He softly spoke into where he assumed her ear was. “It’s been hours and nobody’s dead. You’ll be fine.” He squeezed Proxy in a friendly way. “Besides, we’re here for you.” PigglesWorth looked down at the figure half a foot shorter than him. “If you ever need somebody to vent to, just give me a call.” He told her, handing her a walkie-talkie who’s antenna glowed a bright blue when he turned it on.

“When the light is on, I can hear you.” He said as she looked at the device. For a second, his smile faltered, thinking he had hurt her more in someway, before Proxy suddenly embraced him, squeezing him tightly.

“Thank you.” Proxy whispered as PigglesWorth returned the embrace.

Cadence watched their interaction with a smile, thinking back to Iron Clad’s expression when she had agreed to his love laced request.

“Love is beautiful, isn’t it?” Shining armor said, scrunched next to her on the couch while Noir lounged on the other half, fast asleep as Flurry Heart also slept under his protective hands, which were still in the position of petting her.

Cadence merely nodded as Proxy broke the embrace after a solid minute, grabbing the walkie-talkie and attaching it to her belt, directly in the middle of her back, under the heavy railgun, before wrapping her own arm around PigglesWorth, bringing him close.

Since there was no space on the couch, the Daedric Prince Dag’gar sat with his legs out on the floor beside the counch, a few feet from it, a hand scratching Celestial’s bare head similar to how Noir scratched Flurry Heart’s, at her insistence. She was also asleep, her head resting on the Daedra’s legs, a purr emitting from her as well, just loud enough to overpower the deep mumbles that constantly emerged from her mouth. A purr that Dag’gar hadn’t heard since their encounter many decades ago that sparked their relationship, one that he didn’t want to stop for eternity, as it signified his marefriend’s pleasure.

“I love it when a plan comes together.” He whispered to himself, having asked PigglesWorth to go over and cheer up Proxy before it was time to open gifts.

With your nose so bright, won’t you lead the way tonight…

Author's Note

Merry Christmas, Motherfu*static*

... Happy holidays,
Yours truly, Lunat- Hey, gimme back the pen, you smug pig ass!

M60E4 Troubles

“DO NOT FALTER, BROTHER! I'M SURE SHE WILL TURN UP SOONER OR LATER!" The soldier holding the neon red M60E4 assured the distraught Daedric prince.

“WE WILL FIND OUR SISTER IF IT IS THE LAST THING WE DO!" The other one said, wielding a normal M60E4.

The two heavy brothers stood on either side of the prince, a consoling hand on each shoulder while their free handheld their holy weapon.

“Thanks, guys, but- *sniff* I don't think you can help with this,” Dag’gar said.

“NONSENSE, DAGGER! WE CAN ALWAYS HELP!” Neon boy said, accompanying his statement with a few pats.

“Unless you have a tracker like PigglesWorth’s, I don't think you can help,” Dag’gar said.

“PIGGLESWORTH IS THE LONG GUY, WE’RE THE SHORT GUYS!" Neon boy said.

“AS IN SCANNING RANGE, BROTHER! IT IS CHILD'S PLAY WITH OUR BALLISTICS TRACKER WITHIN 1000 STUDS!" Logang boy completed.

“WITH OUR SCANNERS COMBINED-”

“WE WILL FIND YOUR MARE!" Logang boy finished Neon boy’s sentence, pumping a fist into the air.

Dag’gar smiled. “Thanks. You're a big help when you want to."

“WE UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVE! BUT YOU MUST REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE ONLY INSTANCE THAT WE WILL HELP WITH MATTERS OTHER THAN GUNS AND GLORY!" Neon boy finished that sentence by shaking a fist in the air in pride at that last part.

“Dagger."

“Yes, PigglesWorth?"

“I have bad news."

Dagger's expression immediately fell.

Neon boy turned to the space engineer. “WHAT IS THE HORRIFYING NEWS, ENGINEER?”

“After multiple planetary scans, we've discovered that Celestial is not on the planet of Equis, or its satellite.”

“THIS PLANET DOES NOT HAVE HUMAN CONSTRUCTS!"

“The moon, Crabby boy."

“OH! FORGIVE MY MISUNDERSTANDING!"

Engie facepalmed with a sigh. He walked up to Dag’gar and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Would you like me to create a specialized space search vessel?” The space engineer asked the medieval warrior.

“Nobody’s stoppin’ you," Dag’gar responded.

“WHAT KIND O’ GRAND BATTLESHIP BE THIS SPECIALIZED SPACE SEARCH VESSEL?” Logang boy asked.

“A ship I plan to make whose only purpose is to find Celestial us in her magical signature.”

Neon boy roared with laughter. “WHY MUST YOU ASK PERMISSION THEN, MY BOY?"

“I need permission to create the device for tracking the magical signature," PigglesWorth explained, glaring at the force of nature.

“I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, BROTHER!"

“Of course you don't.” Engie turned back to the disheveled prince. “I need permission from a being of great magical ability to acquire what I need to create said M.S.F,” PigglesWorth explained further.

“Shouldn't you ask Bounty for that?" Dag’gar asked, referencing the extremely magically powered and skilled human in their group.

“He's busy," PigglesWorth stated. “Anyways, shouldn't I ask for your permission for something related to your mare?” PigglesWorth asked. Dag’gar nodded in understanding but otherwise didn't speak.

“I will personally build the ship by hand if you like," PigglesWorth said, smiling warmly, raising his black tinted visor to show his grizzly face.

“That's okay." Dag'gar dismissed the question. “I don't wanna make a huge deal outta this." He said.

“You've read enough of your stories to know that line doesn't work, right?" PigglesWorth stated. Dag'gar chuckled.

“Yes,” Dag'gar said. “And I appreciate you for that,” Dag'gar said, gently removing the space engineer’s hand away from his shoulder.

“But this could be a pivotal moment in our relationship. I must show her that I can save her alone, without any help, or she won't feel safe around me.” Dag’gar explained.

“We all know that's a fucking lie." PigglesWorth flatly said.

Dag’gar sighed. “I know, but I don't wanna risk it."

“You've gotta trust your friends, Dagger.” PigglesWorth told him. Dag’gar looked at the M60 Gang on either side of him, both of them smiling wider as he looked at them.

Suddenly, a loud foghorn sounded outside their room in the Crystal Castle, signaling that it was time to head to Canterlot Castle before leaving altogether.

PigglesWorth starting walking back towards the open door, gesturing for them to follow. “Now come on! We've got a Celestial body to save!” He announced. He turned back to the door and ran down the hall.

“YEAH!" Neon boy and Logang boy both yelled in unison, charging after the space engineer.

Dag’gar watched in interest at how PigglesWorth could hype them up so quickly as they receded down the hallway, eventually disappearing down a flight of stairs.

Dag’gar shook his head at the display before jogging down the hall after them.

Crossout’s giant eight-legged blue-camouflaged death machine stood just on the other side of the train rails, aiming it's huge 420-mm front cannon at the castle, as the five auto-aiming 50 caliber turrets lining both edges of the rectangular machines length, while the five columns of pairs of explosive barrels hung down, the spiky barrels rolling idly in their bay, awaiting their moment to engulf the battlefield in gasoline and flames as four drones, kept up by four fans, hovered above the dreadnought, buzzing into a new position above the blue monstrosity every so often.

Its large howitzer sized energy artillery cannon aimed at the castle as well, a ball of blue crackling energy waiting at its end. All eight legs of this hulking war machine idly repositioned slightly ever so often as well, serving to keep the entirety of it up so far off the ground as it stood as still as it could.

Down at the train station, Lyra stared in wonder at the large ‘creature’, who's height prompted said mare to lean off the edge, over the rails, just to see the entire thing.

“LYRA!" Bon Bon screamed, sprinting over and pulling her back, twisting Lyra to face her. “Have you gone mad?!” She scolded the instrumental mare, who covers under her glare.

“I-I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the t-thing-”

“What thing?" Bon Bon asked.

“That thing…" She trailed off as she turned back around, noticing that the entire thing had disappeared without a trace. Lyra stared agape at where it previously stood, tuning out the mare screaming at her.

“... We're going.” Bon Bon huffed, dragging Lyra by her tail back into the empire.

Lyra watches in horror as it came back into view, its surfaces reappearing at random before it fully reappeared.

“But-” Lyra groaned, plopping her head into the crystal ground, making it slightly harder for her significant other to pull her.

‘Sweet Celestia, I've gotta lay her off the sweets!’ Bon Bon thought, glaring daggers at the Mar who refused to get up.

By then, the group of four who rode in the SPOOMER9001 had entered through a seemingly impossible door, as there was no obvious door anywhere on its surface.

The Spider Boomer blowing it's deep foghorn once again, signaling its departure as it slowly turned towards the general direction of Canterlot Castle. The slow machine then started scuttling towards its next location at about 1 mph, the drones having retreated into their respective bays before the behemoth left.

The four sat in the barely large enough wall-mounted seats for them in the barely large enough cabin.

“Seriously, you could not have built a bigger cockpit?" PigglesWorth complained to the driver, who was currently occupied with his steering wheel.

“It's all armor, buddy boy. Keeps this small space safe." The driver said, turning on hi blinkers before turning the machine about 45 degrees left to avoid a mountain, before straightening it again and shutting off the blinkers.

“Can't I drive the hover vehicle?" Dag’gar said, being the largest in the room. He was currently sitting in the middle of the small room, his head barely reaching the ceiling. If he put both his arms straight out, he could touch both sides of the room.

“You're too fat." The driver bluntly answered.

Dag’gar sighed in defeat. “All too true," Dag’gar mumbled to himself.

“AND THEN HE SAID, ‘THE SNIPER IS BETTER!’” Logang boy told his partner, causing them both to roar in laughter, rolling on the shifting ground as they clutched their sides.

Celestia sat in her throne, with her sister in her own beside her, as Marine stood just to the left of Celestia’s throne. Suddenly, everything began to shake.

Marine supported himself on the throne, grabbing his assault rifle in his left hand.

He turned to Celestia, mouth open to say something, but stood there agape as they sat as they had before, smiling as she swayed slightly with the earthquake.

He could also see her cheeks slightly puffed out, trying to hold in her laughter. Luna, however, was not doing so well, as she kept slipping into fits of giggles as she tried in vain to muffle the noises b playing a hoof over her muzzle.

After about a minute, the shaking finally stopped, leaving Marine clasped over the throne’s armrest as his assault rifle lay somewhere he couldn't see.

“Princess, what the Hell was that?!” He exclaimed, rising from his perch on the throne.

Suddenly, Celestia burst into laughter, rolling on the floor.

“Princess Luna?” He confusedly called, looking over to the smaller sister. She, too, was rolling in laughter.

“What's so funny?" Marine asked. As if to answer his question, a long, deep foghorn echoed throughout the throne room, further escalating the princesses' laughter.

In response to an unknown noise, Marine grabbed his pistol and pointed it at the door, awaiting anything to come through.

“At… ease… Marine…” Celestia managed to gasp out in between laughs, now clutching her stomach.

Marine hesitantly lowered his weapon, still watching the door.

Eventually, the laughter died down, leaving the two princesses sobbing tears of joy as they laid carefree on the tiled floor.

“I haven't laughed that hard in ages.” Celestia admitted, wiping a tear from her eyes as she rose back to her hooves, a giddy smile adorning her face.

“Same here, sister." Luna agreed, doing the same.

“What was that?" Marine asked, looking at Princess Celestia.

“A surprise.” She answered, winking at the old soldier.

“BEHOLD!" A new voice entered the room, bringing the attention of its three inhabitants to the door.

“YOUR GODS HAVE ARRIVED!" Neon boy yelled, bursting into the throne room with his hands up, Logang boy following close behind with a prideful smile.

Quickly and professionally, Marine pinned down the Neon boy, a knee holding down his chest while he held a blade to his neck.

“OHOHO! A CHALLENGER!” The newcomer yelled in Marine's face, the prideful smirk never leaving his face.

“WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DRUNKEN SOLDIER?" Neon boy asked loudly, referencing the Christmas party.

“Classified."

“DRIVEN BY PROTOCOL, ARE WE?" Neon boy exclaimed, before laughing loudly into his face.

“PATHETIC!" Neon boy suddenly interrupted his laughter, a crazed look replacing his pride at the moment before Neon boy pinned down Marine, pointing his neon red M60E4 directly at Marine's face while pinning his left hand with a knee, and his other hand with a knife, which was stabbed clear through the armor, piercing the tile beneath before the handguard reached the palm.

Marine help in his exclamation of pain, struggling against the unusually strong attacker.

“Crab, please release my guard," Celestia ordered.

“GUARD?" Neon boy laughed ferociously once again.

“THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SOLDIER COULDN'T PROTECT A DAMN THING!" Neon boy replied.

“Get off." Celestia ordered louder this time.

“ONLY FOR YOUR MAJESTY!" He said before hopping off Marine, who continue to lay there, just wanting a nap to clean his kind of these hallucinations.

Logang boy approached the downed Marine. This time, Marine couldn't hold it in, grunting in pain as Logang boy pulled it from him, twirling it a couple of times before tossing it over to Neon boy, who effortlessly catching it while staring at the Marine and slamming it in its holster on his right hip.

“WE COME IN SEARCH OF THE GREAT CELESTIA!" Neon boy boomed. Celestia’s face brightened as engie leaned down to Neon boy and whispered into his ear.

“MY APOLOGIES. I MEANT THE GREAT CELESTIAL!" He boomed again, watching as Celestia’s face darkened slightly, though her ears perked up at that name.

“Celestial? She's with you?" Celestia asked, hoping to see her other sister again.

“OFF WE GO THEN!" Neon boy yelled, doing a 180 and marching out of the room, Logang boy close behind.

“DO NOT BE LONG! WE WISH TO BEGIN CONSTRUCTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!” Logang boy informed them, slamming the doors shut behind him, before following Neon boy once again.

“I'm sorry princess, they're a bit too excited to look for my marefriend,” Dag’gar explained.

“Do not worry, my dear Dagger, I understand," Celestia said, patting Dag’gar’s Daedric helmet a couple of times.

“Really?" Dag’gar asked, his mouth curving into a smile under his headgear.

“Yes! I must understand my subjects to help them, do I not?" She said.

“I'm not your subject." Dag’gar flatly said, placing a hand on his hip.

“Keep telling yourself that, dear," Celestia said, walking regally back to her throne, swishing her hips seductively at the Daedric Prince before sitting on her throne.

Dag’gar sighed, pinching the bridge of his unreachable nose in frustration.

“Look, we've got work to do, so if you don't know where she is, I'm gonna go,” Dag’gar said, turning to the doors and throwing them open.

“But what about the yearly meet up?" Celestia desperately called after the leaving figure, reaching a hoof out in an instinctual way.

“Next year!" He yelled, slamming the doors shut much harder than what was necessary, making the princess pull back her hoof as a surprised expression came to be. It was quickly replaced with sadness as she sighed and lowered her hoof, along with her head.

“That's the only free time I get every year,” Celestia mumbled, pawing at the seat of her throne as Luna returned to hers.

Marine returned into the center of the room from behind the pillars behind the thrones, sliding his missing assault rifle back into place as he returned to his spot by the throne.

“You could always accompany me on my nightly patrol,” Marine suggested, brushing dust off his shoulders before crossing his arms.

Celestia’s hoof stopped as she looked at Marine with a bored expression.

“Wouldn’t that be boring?” She said, laying her head on the throne’s armrest as she looked up at the human.

“You wouldn’t believe what happens on patrol.” He said, looking back at the door, as he is supposed to.

Celestia’s ears perked up. “Oh really? Like what?”

“You wouldn’t believe the number of dignitaries that sneak into the gardens. I even had to rescue one from the maze!” Marine chuckled. “Twilight was quite adamant on finding the way out herself."

“Twilight was here? Twilight Sparkle?” Celestia asked, a surprised look on her face.

“Yes. She was studying the effects of a little filly being frozen in stone, and when I offered to hold her lamp, she ran for the hills.” Marine chuckled again. “Took an hour before I found her, and another before she let me help.”

“Couldn’t she have just teleported out?” Celestia asked.

“I asked her that. She didn’t reply.” Marine said.

“Marine, when I arrived at your Christmas get together to… pick up Cadence, Shining, Flurry, and Noir, you were asleep in a chair with your helmet across the room."

“I yeeted the helmet? Strange.”

“Why don’t you take off your helmet more often?” She asked, sitting up straight to once more be at Marine’s eye level.

“It’s more identity than protection. It strikes fear into the heart of Civil Security and Usurpation forces alike. To them, I am the faceless boogeyman.” He tapped the glass. “The color also helps. Sickly green maintains the disguise of a zombie, along with my tendency to engage in hand-to-hand combat.”

“Hand-to-hand?” Celestia dismissively asked, her horn glowing as she stuck her tongue out in concentration.

“You know us humans have hands. You said you were at the party. Did you not see-”

Suddenly, Marine’s helmet flew off of his head, landing at his feet with a clatter as it swirled on its curvy side on the dias the thrones stood on.

Marine stared straight ahead, while Celestia studied his face. Luna also peeked over, trying not to visibly interfere with them.

“You have a handsome face. Why do you choose to hide it around us?” Celestia asked, smiling at the human who was now still as a statue.

“It also signifies trust.” Marine said, bending down and grabbing his helmet.

“I only show it to those I trust most.” He placed it back on his head with an audible hiss as his suit pressurized once more.

“Right now…” He turned to face the princess, who’s smile had turned into concern, and slight fear.

“That’s not you.” He finished, turning back to the door.

Celestia stared at the human with a combination of sorrow and guilt as her ears drooped over her head, before turning her attention to the door again.

“I’m sorry, Marine. I didn’t realize the importance of-”

“It’s okay.” Marine interrupted, leaving the room in complete silence as tears formed in Celestia’s eyes.

Suddenly, the doors flew open as a familiar human re-entered.

“MY CRABBY SENSE HAS DISCOVERED MISTRUST IN THE ROYAL COURT!” Neon boy announced.

“Crab? Shouldn’t you be with the others?” Celestia asked, a slight hope in her mind that he would leave and let her and Marine talk ‘alone’.

“AFTER I REALIZED MY MISTAKE, THEY GLADLY ALLOWED MY RETURN TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!” Neon boy said, bowing respectfully before speaking again.

“I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR MY… bad? Worse? HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOUR ROYAL MARINE!” Neon boy boomed, turning his attention to the futuristic soldier in the room.

Marine merely stared at the short soldier.

“DO NOT BE SHY! SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING!” Neon boy said, placing his M60E4 on his back and throwing his hands into the air.

“YOU MAY SAY ANYTHING, AND IT WILL NOT BE COUNTED AS AN OFFENSE TO THE HOLY WEAPON!” Neon boy announced. They sat in silence for a minute.

“SPEAK!” Neon boy yelled, his demeanor suddenly switching to pure anger.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Marine stated.

“NONSENSE! COMMUNICATION IS THE BASIS FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP, BE IT ROMANTIC OR NOT!” Neon boy said, quickly covering half the distance of the throne room before Marine held out a hand to stop him.

“AHA! HAVE YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO SPEAK?” Neon boy yelled the prideful smile back on his face.

“Come no closer to the untrustworthy princess.” He said, putting a hurt expression on the said princess.

“I SEE! IT IS NOT A PROBLEM BETWIXT YOU AND ME!” He suddenly appeared right in front of him, much to Marine’s dismay.

“IT IS BETWEEN THE PRINCESS AND HER GUARD!” He roared in laughter, as he seemed to do often. “HOW COULD I BE SO FOOLISH AND BLINDED BY MY OWN SELFISH NEEDS?” He pointed at them both before he spoke next.

“YOU TWO NEED TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER, AS YOU HAD BEFORE!” Celestia and Marine looked at each other, then back at the neon boy, who’s smile widened as Celestia’s appeared.

Although not for the reason you think.

“WAIT! YOU TWO MUST- AHH!” Neon boy screamed as both Celestia and Marine tossed him out, quickly shutting the door in his face.

“I apologize, princess,” Marine said, his hands holding shut one door as Neon boy banged on them, still yelling about them having to make up.

“I apologize as well,” Celestia said in return, holding shut the other door. Her ear twitched as the banging stopped and the yelling faded, showing that her guards had finally acted on the blundering prophet that had plagued her mind as of late, before the falling out between Celestia and Marine, and was dragging him away.

“For what?” Marine asked, turning his head to look at her.

“For betraying your trust.” She answered, turning and heading back to her throne.

Marine scoffed as he did the same, returning to his position by the throne. “It was my fault for not telling you the trust aspect of it first.”

“Well, you were rambling, and I felt it was rude to interrupt." She returned her head to the armrest, looking at Marine again, who now looked down at her again. “Besides, I was busy." She added in a mumble.

“I still didn’t mention it first. My fault.” Marine stubbornly said.

“Mine.” Celestia slightly growled.

“My fault.” Marine leaned down slightly.

“MY FAULT!" Celestia suddenly screamed, shoving her muzzle against Marine's helmet, scowling with a growl.

They stood there for a moment. Celestia’s cheeks puffed out slightly, holding in a laugh with a tiny grin as she tried to appear menacing, but ultimately failed as she burst out laughing, falling back into her chair as Marine barely resisted his laughter, if only to maintain his menacing image.

“What are we doing?” Celestia asked, smiling at the human.

“Arguing?" Marine said.

“No, no. I think we're…” Celestia tapped a hoof against her chin in thought.

“Bonding." Marine completed.

“Yes!" Celestia exclaimed, stamping her hoof down. “Bonding!"

They stood in awkward silence again. Celestia’s expression switched to nervousness as she pondered asking her next question.

“May I please… see your face some more?" Celestia hesitantly asked, giving a nervous smile in place of the real one, Indiana Jones style.

He looked away before answering. “In private."

Celestia's nervous smile returned genuine, elyts senoJ anaidnI.

“Then we could head to my quarters!" Celestia suggested. She took Marine looking at her again as a sign to continue. “Today is still technically a free day, so we could head back to my quarters, and-”

“Do you understand the implications of such an action?" Marine interrupted the excited princess.

“What, a princess taking her alien friend back to her quarters for a spell?" Celestia obliviously asked. Before her cheeks turned red.

“Don't let your dirty mind ruin this moment!” Celestia exclaimed, looking away in an attempt to hide her burning cheeks. Marine chuckled, returning his attention to the door.

“While that was funny, I would love to.” He answered.

Celestia jumped out of her throne, her horn glowing as she lifted the Marine.

“Great!" She exclaimed, teleporting them both to her room in a flash.

“AND STAY OUT!” The Royal guards yelled, tossing Neon boy out of the entrance before slamming the door behind him.

“How did that go?" The outer Royal guard to the right of the door asked.

“I DO NOT KNOW! I WAS VOTE KICKED BEFORE I COULD FIX THE ISSUE!" Neon boy replied, throwing a hand in the air in exasperation.

“The issue? Didn't you go in to get something you left?" The guard asked.

“NECESSARY EVIL TO COMPLETE THE PLAN!"

“Really now?" The guard suddenly appeared in front of him.

“Should you really be telling me that?"

Neon boy seemed unfazed. Well, apart from his sputtering and waving as if to ward off an extremely bad smell.

“BLEH! GET YOUR DIRTY CHAOS MAGIC AWAY FROM ME!” Neon boy yelled, shoving away the offending creature as he coughed.

“Wha- how did you know?!" The guard exclaimed, transforming back into a draconequus.

“I CAN SEE YOUR NAME!" Neon boy said, shaking pointing above his head as coughs wracked his body.

Discord distantly snapped as he thought about what Neon boy just said, producing a pink bubble around Neon boy. His coughing became less and less violent.

“THANK YO- WAIT!" The coughs suddenly returned full force. His body shuddered with each heave, follows by a nasty hack. All feeling was slowly dissipating, leaving him with a growing thought of non-existence, which was crushed as he painfully laid a hand on the handle of his M60E4, slowly pulling it from his back, his other hand reaching to hold the foregrip under the barrel of the weapon.

His grip on it shook and wavered as he pointed it forward. His entire body began shivering, the life slowly draining out of him, along with the heat it brought. Stars began dancing across his vision, attempting to distract the prophet from completing his last goal.

Neon boy’s vision got darker and darker, his breathing shallower and shallower. His legs buckled under him, but he kept his aim true. Before his vision went completely dark, he saw his laser vibrating on the back of the damned chaos god. His mouth shakily curved upward in a devilish grin.

Discord looked over, eyes widening at what was about to happen.

“FOR THE ALMIGHTY M60!”

He pulled the trigger.

Author's Note

The longest this goes, the longer the chapters. I'm poppin' off!

Meet the Pyro

*thunk*

Hello. My name’s Crackling Hum.

*thunk*

I'm a criminal.

*thunk*

I started fires. I did those by accident.

*thunk*

They didn't understand. I made them understand.

*thunk*

They say shell shock from my war days drove me to madness.

*thunk*

That it drove me to arson.

*thunk*

They're lucky I understand how peaceful Equestria is now.

*crack*

Or they would have to deal with an angry and experienced pyromaniac.

*click* *whoosh*

And one heck of a vendetta.

Da. Da. Da-daaaaaaa.

Part 1 -Meet the Pyro

A red stallion sat in a dark clearing, staring longingly at a massive organized pile of sticks and flammable moss, about the size of the Hearth's Warming tree from the real-life version of the Grinch. His eyes crackled as he lifted a lighter off the wet grass in his dark red magic.

The birds chirped as the trees rustled in the cool wind, creating a calming effect. He flicked the switch for the lighter, creating a small flame that illuminated his indifferent face.

He flicked it the other way, extinguishing the flame as quickly as it had appeared. He repeated this for well over an hour, uncaring about the prey that ran amok.

A pack of Timberwolves appeared at the treeline. The stallion did not move. The wolves crawled into his clearing, obviously hunting for something. They came closer and closer to his unlit bonfire, spreading around the clearing as they sniffed in search of their food.

A pup, no bigger than a tree stump, trotted into view, uncaring about his parents' insistence on staying hidden until it was safe or until they caught the scent once again.

He spotted the stallion playing with flames, wondering why his folks weren't attacking. He yipped, running up to the strange creature. He began sniffing around his bottom, determining the reason why his elders were so scared of a pony. After a moment, he realized that the periodic clicking of the weird pony’s fire maker stopped. He looked up.

He squealed at the surprise of the pony suddenly staring directly into his eyes. He shrunk under his glare, fear filling his twigs as the flame illuminated his maniacal grin.

His father barked, grabbing the scruff of his tinder in his mouth and quickly taking him away from the scary pony. He still looked at him, wide-eyed as the Pony's gaze returned to the pile of wood.

The stallion tossed the lighter into the pile, sadistic glee filling the Pony's eyes as the bonfire quickly burst into flames, creating a bright and burning light in the once darkened clearing.

The pup wondered how many of his ancestors were included in that fire.

Part 2 - A Flame’s Kiss

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy walking on a path in the Everfree, heading towards where Mr.Bear said a fire happened. Rainbow hovered beside the cream-colored pony, trying her best to hide her fear under pride.

She flinched as a howl sounds in the distance, playing tricks on the cyan menace.

“Why are we here, again?” Rainbow asked, still ignorant of Fluttershy’s answers that she had repeated about 1,746 times.

“We’re making sure there wasn't a forest fire." She replied again, starting to get annoyed at her friend, even if she would never admit it.

“How do we know it wasn't just a torch, or Twilight practicing her spells or something?” Rainbow complained, hovering closer to the pink maned pegasus who glittered under the moonlight and has been since that Manticore roared in her face when treating the monster.

“Mr.Bear was very adamant, so it's worth at least checking it out.” She responded, her ears swiveling at a twig snapping, whereas Rainbow nearly died.

“Yeah, but why do I have to go?” Rainbow specified, deciding to walk alongside her friend.

“He said there was a scary pony there, so I'm taking precautions,” Fluttershy said, hopping over a log.

“When has a pony been scary?” Rainbow asked.

“Never. But this pony is ignored by Timberwolves.” Rainbow Gawker at her answer.

“What? That can't be right." Rainbow denied, suddenly very aware of the green eyes in the trees that she was sure she wasn't hallucinating.

“It would be a little suspicious if he said befriended, but Mr.Bear noted that the wolves acted as if the pony would attack at a moment's notice,” Fluttershy explained.

Rainbow scoffed, blowing a strand of rainbow hair out of her face as she crossed her hooves.

“How'd he do that?” Rainbow asked, getting a deadpan look from Fluttershy.

“Fire, Rainbow.” Fluttershy flatly said, taking a sip from her travel canteen. “The wolves are scared of fire.” She finished, placing the canteen back into her saddlebag.

“Why are they afraid of…" Rainbow trailed off as they arrived, gawking once again at the massive bonfire.

“I thought so," Fluttershy said to herself, her face hardening as she marched towards the red stallion sitting just barely out of the flame’s reach.

“Excuse me, mister, but what do you think you're doing?" Fluttershy demanded, glaring at the stallion as Rainbow followed close behind.

“Yeah! You coulda burned down the forest!” Rainbow yelled, flying just above the pony in an attempt to act bigger than she was. Or at least stronger.

The stallion merely rolled his eyes at them, raising Rainbow's anger level.

“HEY! Are you even listening!?" Rainbow screamed down.

The stallion hummed in a negative gesture, shaking his head.

“Well, start listening before I shove my hoof up your-” She yelped and crashed into the ground behind him in surprise after the flames licked her wing.

She scrambled into a sitting position, moving her wing in front of her to look over the damage done.

“What the-” She exclaimed, staring at a black mark that had sliced off a few wings.

“What kind of fire is that?!” She exclaimed, glaring at the snickering stallion as her wing returned to her side.

“Stop laughing!" Rainbow ordered, her feelings now burning as well as her wing.

Fluttershy watched in horror as her brain overdid the fear factor over the simplest of things.

“W-Who are you?" Fluttershy whispered. She yelped and jumped back a step as he snapped his head to her, revealing his signature maniacal grin. Her gaze locked onto a device that materialized out of nowhere.

The device had a gas nozzle that looks like it was from Manehatten as a handle, a loose wire leading to a propane tank that was attached to a long and thin pipe. The end grew to reveal an open-ended cylinder, with another small pipe leading under then up in front of it, which had just created a small blue flame.

She screamed in horror as he pulled the trigger with his magic.

“Fluttershy!”

Part 3 - Fighting fire with fire

“A pony who hurt others ponies? Fascinating…" Twilight muttered, scribbling notes onto a piece of parchment as Fluttershy’s burned nearly beyond recognition body sat opposite the table they occupied.

“Did he say anything?" Twilight asked, returning her eyes to the terrified pegasus.

“N-n-no… He was as silent as a squirrel during winter.” Fluttershy answered, her blue eyes the only remainder of her body before being lit on fire.

“That motherbucker laughed at me!” Rainbow screamed from beside Fluttershy, slamming her hooves on the table. Twilight wrote the outburst down as emotional assault.

“I’m sure it wasn’t in a mean way. It was just a small snicker.” Fluttershy commented.

“Really? He burned you!” Rainbow shouted at Fluttershy, who shrunk under her outburst.

“S-s-sorry if I of-f-fended y-you…” Fluttershy whispered.

Rainbow sighed as her expression turned annoyed, sitting back in her chair with her hooves crossed.

“Don’t be sorry. My fault.” Rainbow dismissed her apology with a hoof.

“What happened that could’ve set him off?” Twilight asked, her teary expression betraying her emotion.

“I-I don’t know. Maybe I was a bit too rude? I-”

“You were perfectly fine, Flutters. It’s him that’s the problem.” Rainbow interrupted.

“But-”

“What did he look like?” Twilight asked.

“He had a red coat and an orange mane. Probably related to fire. His cutie mark was flames. Again, probably related to fire.” Rainbow explained.

“Great.” Twilight smiled, rolling up the parchment and levitating it over to Spike, who was standing beside her reading his comics and sent it to Princess Celestia or, more specifically, Marine.

“Now we wait.” They sat there silently for a moment before Spike burped out another letter in green flames, not bothering to try to catch it as Twilight snatched it out of the air and quickly unrolled it.

“What’s wrong, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked, watching the horror grow on her face.

“That was most likely an infamous criminal, who goes by the name Pyro.” She explained, looking over the letter at the two charred pegasi.

“Did you see anything that looked like a black filter?” Twilight asked the two. She sighed as they both shook their heads, slumping back in her chair.

“Okay. Until we figure out who did this, I want you to stay in your homes and recover.” Twilight ordered.

“What about Zecora?” Fluttershy asked.

“I’ll warn her,” Twilight said. “Now go home, have fun!” She shooed them out.

Rainbow yanked her tail out of the way right before the doors slammed shut behind them, glaring behind her before looking over to Fluttershy with a determined face.

“W-what are you gonna do?" Fluttershy asked, slightly shrinking under Rainbow’s gaze in fear or what she'll do.

Rainbow’s features turned soft as she wrapped a wing around Fluttershy, pulling her close.

“Don't worry Flutters, you won't have to do anything." She assured, patting her friend on the back.

Fluttershy relaxed slightly but was still tense.

“Then what will you do?” She asked.

“I'm not gonna do anything. All I'll say…" She stared into Fluttershy’s eyes for a moment before finishing.

“Speed is key.”

Author's Note

Dun dun dun! New character reveal!
. . .
Okay, granted, he's not original, but he's there! Ties in as a reference to Daarta's stories and the fact that I made a whole Steam account for playing Pyro in Team Fortress 2 that's named 'Hey guys its Pyro here' cause of the meme I found.

Also, this chapter is shorter than the last one (fuck I missed the red X) because this is pretty much a teaser for chapters to come.

Fucking Steam, not letting me upload any tf2 sans memes as an avatar.

Non Operational Perfected Endearment dotting Average Valid Indetermination

-Nope.avi

“He was mah friend couple years back,” He took a swig from his beer. “But I haven’t seen hide nor hair of ‘em since the fires.” He said, placing the beer down on the crystal table with a clink. “‘Sides, Ah can’t tell you nuthin’ as per my contract.”

“Contract? With who?” Twilight asked, confused as to why he would be under any contract, especially this long.

“Reliable Excavation Demolition, ma’am. It’s a lifetime contract.” He said.

“Your acronym is RED, correct? Because I've also seen a business named ‘Red Bread’ around a few times.” She asked, noting the suspicion of a lifetime contract for a miners association.

“If it wasn’t too obvious.” He said, gesturing to the red collared shirt under his overalls.

“Now, back to Cackle crackle.” The engineer said, leaning forward in his chair.

“It all started a few months before we stopped seein’ each other…”

Da. Da. Da-daaaaaa.

Part 1 - Meet the Engineer

Two Years, Five Months Prior
Appaloosa

“Pyro...” Engineer said, checking over his math one last time before giving him the command. “Light it.”

“Mm-hmm!” Pyro mumbled under his black gas mask. He turned from his buddy towards the dynamite about fifty feet away. He excitedly trotted over. He sat on his rump and giggled playfully as he clapped his hooves together, producing a match from nowhere. He struck the match against a stray rock he had placed the dynamite beside, igniting the red tip in a burst of orange flames. He slowly moved the match closer and closer, pausing right before lighting the fuse. After a moment of hesitation to make sure he could escape, he quickly lit the dynamite, dropping the match immediately and bounding away like a deer back to his best friend before it blew.

As soon as he reached the engineer and turned back around, the dynamite blew, creating a chain reaction of explosions lined around the bottom of the massive barrier created by extreme rains, which caused a landslide from the plateau. His eyes widened as he saw what was near the end of the chain of dynamite.

“Murr!” Pyro exclaimed, darting off to move the pile of explosives he had forgotten to move in his haste to witness the great flames that would certainly be created from the explosions. He dashed up beside the pile from all the excess explosives, which he had suggested that were rejected by his best buddy in fear of blowing pieces into town, and reared up, attempting to push away the dynamite by pure force. After it didn’t budge, he tried with his forelegs, which didn’t work either.

He yelped in surprise as he was pulled away by his tail, struggling to go back to moving the explosives.

“Let the thronger fellath deal wit thith.” His buddy said from behind him, ultimately ending any struggle as the townspeople ran up and effortlessly pushed away the pile with their combined strength.

His slightly-less-than-best-but-still-best friend finally let go of his tail, allowing Pyro’s rump to thump onto the ground as his ears flattened against his head.

“Look at me, pardner.” The engineer said. Pyro reluctantly turned to him with a downcast expression.

“Ah said at me.” Pyro looked up at his disapproving face, his stomach twisting with guilt.

“Get yer head in the game, pardner. Ya coulda did some major damage to the town.” He said, gesturing to the town.

“Don’t worry, friend. You’ll get better.” He assured his friend, reaching out a gloved appendage to pat him on the shoulder.

“But until then, ah’ve been ordered ta revoke your rights ta access your ‘tools’ for a week.”

Pyro’s ears perked up as he stared at the engineer in disbelief.

“Mmph mrr!” Pyro exclaimed.

Sympathy revealed itself on the engie’s face. “Ah know, ah know, but it’s for tha best. Can’t be havin’ ya makin’ any more problems, ya hear?” He said.

Pyro sighed and nodded, returning his gaze to the ground and his ears flat on his head once again.

“That’s what ah thought. Now let’s git goin’ before the others miss us.” The earth pony gave him one final pat before walking off to retrieve his trusty wrench. Pyro trudged to grab his gear.

“Ah’ll get tha gear!” The engineer yelled over his shoulder, denying Pyro’s final moments with his toys before what would be the longest week of his life.

“After I took away his toys, he hadn’t been to trustin’ of me on our next jobs, need’n ta look over ma notes himself, not understand any of it, then give it back with a nod.” He tapped his gloved right hoof on the table a few times. “He even stopped trustin’ me usin’ ma robotic hoof to help out around the compound.” He took his glove off for a moment to show her the appendage before replacing it.

“Why is he so attached to his ‘toys’?” Twilight asked, having gone through multiple notepads furiously writing down his story as fast as he told it.

“I hope you don’t mind another story.” He said.

“Not at all!” Twilight excitedly replied, her quill poised over another page.

Part 2 - Distrust

“Spah, sap this son of a gun.” The engineer said, having given up on deactivating the Canterlot fusebox himself.

“Gladly.” He said in his Prench accent. He held a device in his left wing, which fit perfectly in his finely tailored red suit. It was a grey rectangle with a similarly grey handle. It read ‘Electro-Sapper’ along the top. On its left, it had two small switches, the left flipped down and the right in the middle, along with a large grey button below them. The left side of the device showed a gauge, which he had no idea of its use. Finally, a short yellow wire extended on the right side of the top part of the device.

He carefully attached the wire to the red wires in the fusebox. Quickly, the electronics began fizzing and popping as electricity began arcing between the sapper and the fuses. After a moment, he severed the connection by yanking the device away, preventing it from destroying the newly installed box.

“Thanks, pardner.” The engineer said, returning to his work of safely removing and replacing the faulty wires from the tech ponies that had butchered his recipe for success.

“Mm mmr!” Pyro said, shoving aside the engineer after using the spy to do his work for him.

“Pyro, what are ya- oh!” Engineer cut himself off with a gasp of disbelief as Pyro stepped back and aimed his flame thrower at the box.

“Pyro, what are you-” Spy was interrupted by a torrent of flames bursting from the weapon, covering the fusebox in flames.

“Pyro!” The engineer exclaimed, tackling the pyromaniac to the ground. Spy darted into the sky with an exclamation of surprise, barely avoiding the fire that grazed his hoof.

“You got… fire on my suit.” Spy remarked, shaking his hoof to lessen the pain as he watched the pair roll on the ground in disinterest. He lowered himself back to the ground as he whipped a cigarette out of his saddlebag with a wing, putting it into his mouth as he grabbed the lighter off a passing pyromaniac and lighting it. Unfortunately, he had to dodge another torrent of flames from accidentally grabbing his flamethrower.

“Merde.” Spy cursed to himself, replacing the flamethrower on the pyromaniac as he did another pass. They look so similar.

“Give. Me. The flamethrower!” The Engineer exclaimed, pulling at the flamethrower. His strength compared to earth ponies was rivaled only by Applejack, but compared to magic, he could barely survive it. Pyro gave a strong yank, pulling the flamethrower out of his hooves and sending him into the ground with a grunt from both of them. Pyro’s mind filled with triumph for a nanosecond before momentum caught up with him and sent him barreling past spy. Pyro grunted in anger at the floating weapon. The engineer had gotten up and was also looking at it.

“Oh no, ya don’t!” The engineer exclaimed, leaping for the gun.

“Mmph!” Pyro explained, also leaping for it.

*Whap* *Thunk*

“Dummkopfs.” Spy stated, stealing a line from their medic as he took a puff from his cigarette, watching over the two dummies he knocked out to get the mission over with.

“What’s all the commotion?” Princess Celestia asked, landing beside the spy.

“Two children whining over their toys.” Spy replied, holding his cigarette in front of his red balaclava.

Part 3 - Decisions, decisions

“Who’s this Spy fellow?” Twilight asked, the pile of filled notepads behind her having grown.

“I'm not inclined to tell ya, missy.” He responded, sipping from his beer.

“Okay. What about… Your job?" She asked.

“I already said, it's-”

“I've done my research. I know about Redmond Mann’s and Blutarch Mann’s feud. Just tell me and we’ll resolve this as fast as you let us.” She interrupted, adopting a hardened face.

The engineer was taken aback by this, his beer resting on his lips as they stared at each other.

*thunk*

Their attention snapped to the door, the engineer's eyes widening slightly as his beer lowered to the table.

*thunk* *click*

“Pyro? Ya here, buddy?" He called, placing his beer on the table.

*whoosh* *scream*

Immediately, he dashed out of his chair. He threw open the door and ran out, Twilight following close behind with a slightly scared expression.

“Pyro!"

Author's Note

And you best hope...

Not pointed at you.

Major Endearment of Enduring Men

-meem

They called me a madman.

*click*

They called me deranged.

*click*

Those people were in the wrong.

*click*

The aliens made sure of it.

*click*

And now here I am…

*click*

Shootin’ aliens…

*click*

Saving prisoners of war…

*click*

Time-traveling…

*click*

Now the aliens are after me…

*shotgun pump*

And I'm havin’ fun.

Da. Da. Da-daaaaaaaa~

Part 1 - Acquaintances

*BOOM*

“Pyro!"

Marine held the offending pony off the ground, choking him as he struggled in vain to escape his iron grip.

“Let ‘em go!" The engineer said, tossing a wrench at him, more as a distraction than anything.

“Name. Purpose. Length.” Marine ordered coldly, loosening his grip to allow Pyro to breathe while still being held.

“Pyro, business, one week!" The engineer quickly shouted.

“Let him speak,” Marine said, tightening his grip, eliciting a disapproving grunt from the Pyro.

“He's in uniform! He can't speak!” The engineer explained. Pyro quickly nodded in response.

Marine stared at Pyro for a moment longer, before dropping him.

“Muh muh!" Pyro said, popping down on the tile floor and presenting his hoofcuffed hooves.

“Why is he hoofcuffed?” The engineer asked, gesturing to Pyro.

“Assault and battery, assault and battery towards an armed official, destruction of property, destruction of Royal property…would you like me to continue?”

The engineer sighed and shook his head. “Pyro what the hay were you thinkin’?” The engineer asked, glaring at the Pyro.

Pyro’s ears flattened against his mask. “Murr muh mm mmph muh!" Pyro said, trying his best to imitate a spider with hooves.

“A spider? That's why you're riled up? A spider?!” The engineer said. He face hoofed with another sigh. “Dammit, Pyro, one of these days, you're gonna git one of us killed!” He exclaimed.

“Murr murr…" Pyro agreed, drooping his head.

“Maybe a day or two in prison would teach you some confidence.” The engineer concluded, silently giving Marine the signal to finally take Pyro away.

“He will be jailed for eight years, with a fine of $15,000 doll-bits, and a bail of $100,000 bits, and finally, three years of mandatory parole performed by Android SLC-56.” Marine informed them, hefting Pyro over his shoulder before walking away.

“Wait, he did all that because he saw a spider?" Twilight asked, gaping at the amount of damage that was said to be done because of such a small critter.

“He’s got extreme arachnophobia, apparently.” The engineer said. He trotted back into the room, returning to his seat. Twilight followed after a moment, shutting the door behind her.

“Well, we found him,” Twilight stated, slouching in her chair and crossing her hooves. “Do you know why he did those things?” Twilight asked him, lazily floating a notepad and quill over.

“Ah reckon his arachnophobia has worsened over the years, gettin’ to a point ta where if he sees anythin’ that barely resembles a spider, he’ll go all ballistic and burn everything in sight until he’s absolutely sure it's dead.” He explained, grabbing his beer once more.

“Well, that's an easy fix!" Twilight exclaimed, slamming her hooves down on the table, which startled the engineer into dropping and shattering his bottle.

“Darn." He said, still staring at the remains of his drink.

“Come on!" Twilight said, her horn suddenly glowing brightly.

“Hold yer horses, pardner.” He stopped her with a hoof, chuckling at his own joke while turning to look back at her.

“Ah got a better idea.”

Part 2 - Daddy Long Legs

*neroww*

The engineer suddenly appeared on two rapidly spinning thick bar like studs, which slowed to a stop as he stepped off. They quickly began spinning again, creating a glowing disk above them as they reached maximum speed, teleporting its next user, who wobbled off as it repeated its automatic recharging procedure.

“Whoah!" Twilight exclaimed, tripping on her own hooves.

The engineer quickly dashed over and caught her mid-air, moving her upright while continuing to support her with a hoof over her shoulder. “Careful there, your majesty." He said, watching her eyes cartoonishly spin in their sockets before she violently shook her head, stopping the rpm if her eyes before they ended up winning a race.

“Wha wuz tha…?” Twilight slurred, her vision and balance still a bit blurry as she swayed on the moist grass.

“Heh heh. Sorry ‘bout that. Gotta get used to it." The engineer nervously said, patting her with his supporting hoof before removing it.

She shook her head once more, finally clearing the haze as the engineer walked off.

“Hey, wait up!" Twilight exclaimed, hurrying to catch up to the ingenious earth pony. As they came up to a garage door, he stopped, stopping her as well with a hoof.

“Wait here, please. My teammates can be a bit… Rowdy." He said. She suddenly began hearing a continuous beat muffled through the garage entrance and its concrete frame.

The engineer walked up to the door, which smoothly rolled up, blasting music in her face and revealing what seemed like a party for a second before it closed again, leaving her alone with her thoughts and the continuous beat.

Suddenly, the beat stopped. She wondered why for a split second before the silence was replaced by many different noises. The only one she could hear somewhat clearly through the cacophony of clean up was a glass bottle shattering, seemingly followed by a drunken curse that she didn't understand through the wall.

Then, just as suddenly as it had begun, the noise stopped. The garage door slid open again with a thump, revealing seven more ponies in a line, standing at attention, with the engineer still just in front of the garage door. He smiled and waved her in. She trotted in, scanning the line of specialists as the garage door slid shut behind her.

“I told ‘em ta just stand there, quietly, while we do our business.” The engineer exclaimed. They all see me professional, apart from one of them, who seemed to have started sleeping while standing, snoring loudly.

“Vake up, dummkopf!” The German stallion beside the sleeping pony whisper shouted, elbowing him in the ribs.

“Ah! Whaz goin’ on…" They suddenly awakened pony began yelling drunken slurs, before falling to the ground, fast asleep once more.

“Dummkopf.” The cross emblazoned stallion said once more, returning his sight forward while correcting his glasses with a hoof.

The first pony’s cheeks were suddenly puffed out, seemingly barely able to hold in his laughter as tears streamed down his cheeks.

“What's so funny, scout?" The engineer asked, unintentionally setting him off.

The scout burst into laughter, rolling on the ground while fluting his stomach, sending his weapon flying past the princess's head.
“Scout, you doggone idiot!” The engineer scolded, grabbing the offender by the scruff of his neck and lifting him up. The scout’s laughter died down as he looked at the engineers fuming face. After a second of silence, the scout suddenly burst into a fit of laughter again, wriggling in the engineer's iron grip.

“Oh, your face! Your face!” The scout exclaimed, barely able to speak as he pointed a hoof at the engineer.

The engineer sat and whacked the scout in the head, making a loud slap as his laughter was suddenly replaced with an exclamation of pain as the scout began rubbing his cheek.

“What the hell was that crap?” The hurting pegasus asked, glaring at the engineer.

“Ya nearly hit tha princess with ya careless, reckless, dumbass gun when ya lost your composure!” He shouted, a massive scowl adorning his face.

The scout merely stared at him with a confused look.

“What?" The scout exclaimed.

The engineer turned him to look at the princess, who smiled sheepishly and greeted him with a small wave.

The scout’s eyes went wide, his rubbing hoof slowing to a stop.

“‘Kay, this does not look good here, um…" The scout said, struggling to escape the engineer's grasp.

“You're excused,” Twilight said.

A large smile appeared on the scout’s face. “Really? Alright!" He cheered, pumping a hoof into the air. He kept this pose for a moment before nervously turning to his captor.

“Ya know you can drop me now." He said. The engineer quickly complied, dropping him unceremoniously onto the concrete floor. The scout quickly scrambled upright, darting back into his position in line.

The engineer shook his head with a disapproving sigh as he lowered his hoof.

“Kids." He muttered, a small grin gracing his lips.

“Now." The engineer started, clapping his hooves together before rising. “Onto business!"

“Engineer!" A heavily Russian accented voice called.

“Yes, heavy?" He replied, staring around the middle of the line at the large speaking pony.

“Need dispenser here!" He shouted, the entire line bursting into laughter at their inside joke, the heavy slamming his hoof into the concrete along with his heavy laughter.

The engineer face hoofed, the small grin widening ever so slightly as Twilight chuckled lightly at their team chemistry.

Author's Note

Memes galore, amirite?

Dreams of magical Breadskates

-Part 1-

-Dreams-

of magical

-Breadskates-

Inspired by

-Jameskii-

“What is this?" Luna asked, admiring the world of creatures similar to Marine in build, inhabiting a city like Manehattan. The only difference she noticed was the floating signs that had the repeated usage of the acronyms ‘KOS’ and ‘AOS’. She assumed they had a greater meaning than what they portrayed.

“Mari-” Luna stopped as she looked at her side, noticing that Marine wasn't there.

“Marine?" She called.

“Up here, princess!" He replied. She looked up but was confused at the state of Marine, who was currently bobbing up and down in place while holding a strange and thick three-pronged device, which glowed blue.

“You can fly?" She asked before face hoofing. Of course he can, this is the dreamscape.

He chuckled. “Not in real life, unfortunately.” He said, quickly flying in front of her, before ‘deactivating’ his flight and popping down on the concrete sidewalk.

“Here, I'll take us to a place that's somewhat quiet,” Marine said.

They stood in awkward silence for a few moments.

“Umm… Marine?" Luna asked, curiosity plain on her face.

“One second." He responded.

“What are you doing?" She asked, staring at the strange device. “And what is that?"

As soon as she has asked that, Marine disappeared without a trace.

“Did I offend him in some way?" Luna asked herself before she was teleported back in front of Marine.

“Where are we now?” She asked, looking around.

“It's the admin room," Marine asked simply as she looks at another pair in the room. The floating one with a similar device to Marine was indeed a pony, although he looked less furry and more like a toy if his shiny white coat was anything to go off of. He also had a shiny black mane, which barely moved at all as he bobbed in the air. The other was a human wearing a gingerbread mask and a large hiking backpack, holding a shotgun.

“What's going on over there?" Luna questioned, beginning to trot over. Immediately, she was teleported back, keeping her away from them.

“That's another admin sit. Best not bother them.” He answered.

“What's an admin sit? Is it similar to an interrogation?" She asked, sitting down on the concrete floor.

“Ehh, sorta. Basically, you break a rule, you get teleported to an admin, they figure out if you're guilty or not, and that decides whether you get banned or not.” He quickly explained.

“Anyway, here." Marine said, dropping a stack of green paper in front of her, which showed ‘$10,000’ in white text on top. Luna assumed I was human currency and grabbed it in her magic.

“No no, grab it with your hoof.” He insisted, staring at her.

“Why? Is magic frowned upon in this world?" She asked.

“No, because if you don't physically touch it, then you haven't officially collected it, and if I just return you to the city, it'll get stolen very quick.” He explained.

“But I do not-” Marine huffed and grabbed the money out of the air with his device, which drew a blue line between the device and the money. She marveled at it the second before he tossed it at her. She yelped in surprise ad it impacted her body, taking a step back, but instead of it falling to the ground, like normal, it disappeared as she heard a click.

“There." He stated. “It's safely attached to your account." He informed her.

He grabbed her with his device, lifting her.

“Before we go, be warned: do not walk under signs that say KOS or AOS.” He informed her, before flying through a wall with her in town. They were quickly taken to a park-like area with multiple copies of one specific blue shirt human holding the same device as him, but unmoving.

He dropped her within these creatures. “You should have a physics gun too." He told her, gesturing at the device in his hands.

“For you, just…" He trailed off, thinking of a way that she could equip said physics gun.

“Try thinking ‘equip physgun’ or something.” He said. Before he could continue, a radio hidden on his body spoke in a loud, barely discernible and extremely crackly voice.

“ApplesWorth, we need you for a sit.” The radio said, quickly ceasing the static with a beep.

“Oh, gotta go. Good luck!" Marine said, disappearing nearly instantly after finishing.

“Wait, what do I do?!" She exclaimed quickly, reaching out to where he once was. She huffed and lowered her hoof with force, slamming it down on the concrete with a thunk.

A human approached her. The name she saw hovering above his head read ice.

“Hey, you got a second?" He asked. “Good. Follow me." He quickly said, not giving her time to answer. She decided to explore this place and followed him out of one of the two tunnels that lead out of the park area.

As soon as they passed the sign that said ‘leaving spawn’, He whipped out a shotgun and pointed it at her.

“Drop $1500 or die." The human ordered. Her eyes widened as she realized that she had not yet learned how to do anything other than walk and talk.

“Umm…" She said, sweating as she tried to find out how to drop money in this world.

“H-How does one-”

“NOW!" She ‘eep’ed at the sudden interruption, shrinking slightly away from the man in fear.

“B-But I don't know how!" She fearfully admitted.

“Slash drop $5000.” He growled.

“And how do I do that?!" She exclaimed. She yelled as he took a step closer.

“This is fucking dumb." He cursed, his weapon disappearing as his limbs dropped to his side.

“I'm not gonna try and mug a new player." He said, before sprinting away. She watched him depart as her heart settled down. Her eyes lit up as she realized that he had only begun to threaten her past the sign, signifying that ‘spawn’ was a safe space. She quickly bounded back in, sliding to a stop on her rump on the concrete as she returned to her original position in the middle of frozen humans.

She began breathing heavily, the impact of this situation finally dawning on her.

‘If I die here, I may not return home.’ She deduced with a scared look. ‘So I must survive until I can speak with Marine again.’ Her thoughts were interrupted as the mugger who had recently targeted her appeared in front of her, holding the same shotgun.

“Damn that fucking Gaster Blaster." He mumbled, reloading his weapon. He suddenly turned to look at her. She gasped as her ears flattened against her head. He did nothing, opting instead to sprint back into the fray of this doomed city. Her eyes lit up as she recognized a solution to her problem.

That got her thinking. ‘Since the inhabitants of this city are reincarnated immediately upon death, then I can murder humans, get arrested, and hopefully get an audience with Marine!’ She thought, squeeing with a smile at her plan. ‘It's foolproof!’

Her expression did not change as she stood up. ‘First, I need a weapon.’ She thought, looking around. After finding nothing in the spawn, she hesitantly decided to leave spawn to find a weapons dealer. She slowly trudged out of the tunnel, peeking over her shoulder, glancing in every dark alleyway, and making wide turns around every open door.

She noticed a sign over a door that read:

GUN SHOP

kos if being annoying

She quickly trotted over, still wondering what kos stood for. She entered the shop, a bell announcing her entrance. She noticed a window immediately upon entry. She deduced that it was where trade was being held, as it was the only window that looked like a counter. She also noticed a square tunnel that ran between the closed-off counter and her, which was blocked off on either end. She assumed that it was a secure way of trade as she trotted up to the vacant window.

“Hello?" She hesitantly called, tapping on the window a few times. She hearts thumps upstairs, before another human came down the stairs, walking up to the window and facing her.

“What do you want?" The man asked, obviously irritated.

“U-umm… May I purchase… A-A weapon?” She stuttered, hoping that interrupting whatever the man was doing didn't count as annoying.

“What gun do ya want?" He asked in a rehearsed fashion.

“W-What do you offer?" She nervously asked, rubbing her foreleg with a hoof.

“We got pistols, we got ARs, we got snipers…” He trailed off, presenting the notion that he has more in stock.

“L-Let us assume that I retain no knowledge of thine arsenal." She said.

“I think a Glock's the best fit for ya.” He said, walking over to his entire of the square tunnel.

“$5000 buckaroos.” He said, deactivating his end’s wall, placing a peachy L shaped weapon in the center of the tunnel, and reactivating the wall, before deactivating her side.

“J-Just in curiosity, what would occur if I merely… took thine ranged weapon and escaped?” She asked, realizing once again that she has no idea how to drop her money.

“You would get blasted away." He answered. “Doors shut anyway." He tired gestured towards the door she was sure she has left open. She glanced backward, now noticing the large metal plate covering her only escape.

“W-Well, the thing is… Umm…" She looks down, a red tint now adorning her dark blue cheeks.

“What?" He asked impatiently.

“I have no idea how to pay, nor the funds to." She admitted, her ears flattening against her skull.

He stared at her for a moment longer. He reversed the process he had done to give her said weapon, taking it back.

“Get out." He said, walking back upstairs.

“But wait, what about the-” She stopped as she looked at the door, noticing the disappearance of the metal that was previously covering the single door in and out.

She peeked her head out, making sure there was nopony- nobodyaround before she exited. She gently shut the door behind her with her magic, shuffling back to ‘spawn’, taking a seat on one of the many vacant benches scattered around the safe zone. She knew she could merely sit and wait here for Marine, but she had Royal duties back home!

She stamped a hoof. She had to get back home. She knew Celestia couldn't handle both Luna’s disappearance and the raising and lowering of both the sun and the moon. Her ear flicked to her left as she heard movement. She looked and saw one of the previously frozen humans walking around.

“You! Human!" She called. The man looked around in confusion before his eyes landed on the alicorn waving him over.

“Yes, you! I need your assistance!" She said. He walked over, looking up at her since she towered over him by a foot while sitting on a bench.

“What are the laws of this forsaken land?" She asked.

“Check the top left of your hud." He answered.

She leaned down and whispered into his ear. “Let us assume I don't have a hud.” She said, leaning back to look down at him again.

“Okay, here we go again. The rules are: No RDM, don't break NLR, be respectful-”

“What does RDM stand for?" She asked.

“You're real new, aren't you? RDM stands for random deathmatch. Basically, don't kill a bitch without a good reason.” He explained.

“What if one wanted to be taken into an admin sit?” she asked.

“Go on a killing spree, I guess. They pick up real quick on that." He answered.

“Is there an easier way without breaking any laws?" She asked, hoping she could resolve this without bloodshed.

“Well, I could report you for rdming me.” He mused. “Or I could kill you and-”

“No! Anything but that!" She quickly interrupted with a panicked face.

He stared at her for a moment. “Alright, guess I'll report you.” He stood still.

“So… Are you gonna do anything?" She asked, noticing the fact that humans tended to stand still when doing something was very annoying. Especially since she couldn't tell what they were doing.

“And done! Report submitted!" He announced.

“Do humans do everything telepathically?" She asked.

“... Sure. let's go with that.” He said, before walking away and through what she dubbed ‘the death tunnels’.

Quickly, she was teleported back into the same room that Marine had taken her to. She was facing the same pony as before. She reveled at the fact that she at least got to see another pony.

“Hello, my little pony!" She exclaimed with a smile. “What's brings you here?" Luna asked, deliberately ignoring the fact that the earth pony was floating and holding a physgun. The white pony merely stared at Luna.

“What, is there something on my coat?" She asked, now scanning her body for any mess. “I don't see it." She said turning back to the pony.

She ‘eep’ed again after noticing how close the pony suddenly was, leaning back in an attempt to preserve personal space.

“Are you real?" The pony asked. With their longer mouths, it was very easy to tell if they were speaking or not. With this in mind, she finally noticed that nobody's mouth actually moved when they spoke.

“Of course I am! Why would I not be?" She responded.

“If this ain't a troll," The stallion started, backing up again, allowing Luna to return to a proper sitting position. “Then I'm not one of your ponies, princess.” He finished, the man who reported her appearing beside her.

“What do you mean? You are a stallion, are you not?" She asked. The stallion shook his head.

“Nope, just a player model. Ask whoever sent you here, because I don't have time to deal with you." He said.

“Now," He started again, landing on the concrete with a soft thud. “I got an RDM report. What happened?" He asked.

“Oh, back to business, are we?" She asked, before crossing her hooves and turning away like a disobedient filly. “Then I won't talk to you."

He merely stared at her. “Look, I don't have time for this." He said.

“I have all the time in the world." She lied.

The stallion huffed. “Fine. Then I'll jail you."

Her eyes shot open. “W-Wait, I just wanna-” She started before she was teleported into a jail cell.

She stamped a hoof in frustration. “Phooey.” She said.

“And he said, I want to fuck you, Penne.” The man in the cell beside her began laughing loudly, as did the man two cells over, who the first man was telling the joke to.

“Excuse me, gentlemen.” She called, scooting over to the bars.

“Yeah?" The man replied, turning to face her.

“Doth either of thine fine gentlemen have any knowledge about mine stay in the dungeon?" She asked, adopting the medieval speak once again that she often did with those who weren't close friends or family.

“The fuck did you just say?" The man asked.

“Doth either of-”

“Shut up!" He snapped. Luna quickly complied.

“Stop speaking in that medieval bullshit." He ordered.

“Thy may not-” She began before the man rushed up and banged on the bars, making her jump back with a yelp.

“D-Do not speak to royalty like that.” She said, nervously completing her thought.

“Royalty? Is-is there a fucking Royal job that I don't know about?” The man asked, an angry expression sculpting his features.

“It is not a job, heathen.” She spat with a scowl. She was starting to get irritated by this human.

“Then what is it, huh?" The man asked.

“Uh… U-Umm…” Luna stuttered, unable to think of a term.

“Exactly. Now shut your little horsey mouth before I rip it off!” He threatened.

“I'd like to see you try!" Luna rebutted, reinforcing her statement by stomping a hoof.

“Is that a challenge?” The man growled in a low tone, now clutching a weapon similar to the ‘Glock’ the arms dealer had offered her in his hand.

“W-Well…” She sighed, hanging her head. “No.”

“Good." His Glock disappeared, just as suddenly as it had appeared.

She scooted away from the bars even more, safely placing her out of the man's reach were he to attempt to grab her.

All of a sudden, she was back outside. After the familiar experience of teleportation quickly left her, she raised her head, only to be greeted by the same pony as before.

“Say it," Marine ordered from beside the stallion.

The pony sighed. “I'm sorry for jailing you." He said in a monotone voice.

“And?" Marine continued.

“I'm sorry for jailing you, Princess Luna.” He repeated, this time with the appropriate title.

“Good. Now begone.” He said. The stallion quickly disappeared, likely to handle other troublemakers.

“May I speak with you?" Luna asked.

“Why?" Marine responded, landing in front of her with a thump.

“Can you wake up now?" She asked, giving him the puppy eyes.

He chuckled. “You need to work on that."

Luna pouted. Marine walked up to her and crouched down to her level, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Only for you, Lulu.” He whispered. Suddenly, everything around her began glowing a bright white. It quickly got to a point where it was blinding, but Luna was used to this. She smiled, right before everything went black.

Luna's eyes opened. She was slumped over in her throne, with Marine standing directly in front of her. Luna stretched before asking the obvious question.

“You sleep here?" She asked.

He shook his head. “No. I never sleep."

Confusion painted Luna's face. “Then what was-”

“A daydream." He interrupted. “Nothing more."

Luna looked around, now noticing the sunlight filtering through the stained glass windows depicting the adventures of the mane six, which strangely encased Marine in a godly glow.

“Princess?" Marine asked.

Luna realized she was staring. She cleared her throat and looked away in shame.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”

“It's okay, princess," Marine said. “I'm used to staring."

She smiled as he turned around, rising to a sitting position as he exited the room post-haste.

Before he passed the doors, however, he stopped.

“Do not forget princess: You are allowed in my dreams anytime." He said. Although unlike normal events like this, he merely stood in the doorway, barring entry to those not allowed entry.

She quietly sighed as she laid her head on her hoof, which rested on the armrest, now free to look over her new best friend. Her smile widened as she planned her next dream with him.

It is gonna be good.

Author's Note

This is what I call...
A 0 in plotlines!

A Chapter With Actual Plot

Author's Note

Mistakes were made during the creative process of this story. I'm not saying I regret the ‘off the rails’ chapters, nor do I hate them as is. They're there and already read, so I can't really do much without this ending up Usurpation shaped. So, starting with this chapter, I will officially create two separate story arcs: The ‘Idgaf I do what I want’ story arc (Video games n’ sh*t), and the ‘Area 51 Alien Adoption’ story arc (Flurry Heart + Marine, which was the original plan).
Thanks for (hopefully) understanding, and have a FaNtAsTiC day. Wait, what the-

Also, this is a collab with myself. I own both this and the ‘Fazponyjack’ account, so I'll be doing a ‘Special Operations’ style chapter, even though that story was when I didn't give a f*ck about actually finishing a story. This chapter will [was* gonna] have 5 parts, each based off the plan for the five scrapped chapters of ‘Special Operations’.)
I will not change this story’s rating, I will merely change the ‘mature’ parts of the only written chapter.

And no, The Marauder will not make an appearance, mostly because nobody ever saw it because mods were a b*tch (no offense) and struck down my approval request for no mlp relation.

Thanks, and have fun.

P.S. - I'm scrapping the intro too. Sorry.

A Chapter With Actual Plot

Part 1 - Part I

It was nice and dark and stormy, the exact opposite of an ideal setting. Marine balanced atop the point if the roof of Ponyville’s town hall, acting as overwatch as Proxy and her clean up squad, excluding Hoofguard of course, took up position behind the caboose of the Friendship Express.

Proxy took point, with both Captain Iron Clad and Private Lone Feather following close behind, while Noir Lime took up the rear, creating a diamond formation.

“0100 hours AM. Niner dash one, mission clock begins now.”

Proxy nodded silently in confirmation, brandishing her silenced CS-Pro as she entered the caboose, the other three close behind.

*pfft**pfft**thunk**thunk*

“Caboose cleared of hostiles. Niner dash four, hang back and keep a back exit. Niner dash one, two, and three, continue down to the control car, and extract the hostage.”

Noir Lime stayed as the other three moved away, knocking over a snack cart to block the aisle, taking cover behind it. He mounted his weapon over the cart, making it seem as if he whipped a mounted machine gun out of nowhere to the untrained eye.

“No hostiles in the storage car. Move on."

Proxy and the two privates quickly passed the car, forming an arrow formation without Noir.

“Three sleeper cars. Some have sleeping hostiles. Two options: leave them be, or take ‘em.”

Private Lone Feather attempted slicing the neck of the first sleeping changeling with his sharp metal wingtips, but underestimated the chitins strength, prompting it to wake with a hiss. Proxy acted quickly and embedded a round into its head, the bed stained with the growing pool of green blood as they froze, awaiting an assessment from Marine.

“You're clear. Keep your head in the game, Niner dash three.”

“Copy, Overwatch.” Private Lone Feather whispered into his mic.

“Pay attenthun.” Captain Iron Clad hissed, still holding his knife in his mouth.

The trio passed the three cars, leaving any sleeping changelings alone as to not risk another incident.

“You're approaching five consecutive passenger cars. There is an armored patrol approaching from the fifth car, consisting of three changelings. Be wary."

“Hide.” Proxy whispered, crouching behind a seat. As she reached up and pressed a button on her helmet, the other two hid under chairs on the opposite side of the aisle. Proxy suddenly went limp as her suit went dark, hiding herself nearly flawlessly in the shadows.

Lone Feather was about to ask what she did, but stayed silent as the door on the other side of the car slammed open, admitting three heavily armored troops. The black armored changelings marched painfully slowly through the car. Lone Feather could hear his heart beating slowly as he remained painfully still. As they passed, Lone feather noticed something.

“Be advised, the armored patrol has the hostage. Eliminate the threat and get the pony safe.”

Marine’s booming voice startled Lone Feather, squeezing a sharp gasp from his blocked airways.

The patrol stopped, giving the pegasus a clear view of the hostage. She had a yellow, although dirty, coat with a long pink mane. Her wide blue eyes locked with his.

As slowly and as quietly as Lone Feather could, he raised a hoof to his muzzle, motioning for her to be quiet. She nodded quickly, before the patrol began moving again.

As the final armored guard passed them, Proxy’s bright purple visor began lighting up, before she quietly moved into a crouching position, bolstering her CS-Pro and equipping her assault rifle.

Without saying a word, Lone Feather nodded in understanding, brandishing his wings in preparation. Quickly, Proxy stopped him with an outstretched palm. He would've asked, but this was a delicate situation. To make sure they understood, Proxy made an exploding mind motion with her left hand. Before Iron Clad could convey his understanding, Proxy darted up, shooting the rear guard in the head.

The bullet knocked off his helmet, but didn't reach his head. They stopped, its head turning slowly to face Proxy. As soon as they made eye contact, she blasted him again, this time blowing his weak chitin to bits, causing him to fall over and crush one of the seats. She quickly blasted the other two twice, leaving the whimpering and cowering Pegasus surrounded with blood and dead changelings.

“Be advised, hostiles are aware of your presence. Grab her and go.”

“Lone Feather, take point!" Proxy ordered, training her red laser at changeling height on the door the patrol used to enter.

Lone Feather quickly hopped into the aisle and grabbed the hostage, ripping the duct tape off of her muzzle. Before she could thank him, he ducked under her, lifting her up and rolling her into his back, before following Iron Clad back to the caboose. They had to avoid all the sleeping changelings, who were angered after seeing a dead comrade, which wasn't easy, but they made it past, leaping clear of Noirs barricade. They flew out the back doors window, landing hard on the ground. Lone Feather clutched the scared yellow pegasus against himself until their rolling was abruptly cut short by a tree.

They laid there, panting, Lone Feather sprawled on top of the budder pegasus. They laid there for hours, waiting for the battle between human and Changeling to end.

*beep*

His head jerked up. He started scanning his surroundings to detect the offending noise.

*beep*

“H-Hello?”

His head jerked down, staring down in surprise at the speaking mare. He was sure she had been knocked out cold.

*beep*

“U-Uhh… I don't know if you can hear me, but…”

He began smiling warmly. “Yes, I can hear you!" He exclaimed.

*beep*

“Thank you." The mare said. “Thank you for saving me."

He leaped off of her with pride. “It was nothing, really." He said, approaching her to look over her for any wounds.

*beep*

He gingerly laid a hoof on the pegasus. He yelped and jumped back in surprise as she suddenly disintegrated into ash that floated away in the unseen wind.

“W-What?” He somberly asked himself.

*beep*

“I think he's waking up." A different voice said.

“Waking up?! What does she-”

*beep*

His smile dropped immediately after he began noticing the beeping again. As he looked around for it again, it started echoing, as well as repeating itself, which he recognized as an effect from interacting with Discord in any form other than physical (A.N. If you didn't get it, I mean the mic effect that makes anything you say sound like it came from Hell) . It sounded like Tartarus itself, so he attempted to block out the rapidly growing beep by covering his ears.

It didn't help at all. As the noise rapidly gained volume, as well as speed, the world around him began rumbling, making the sky literally fall. He dodged a light blue panel from the air, before quickly dodging another. His eyes widened as looked up, noticing the waves of blue squares speeding towards him. He quickly turned tail and ran, utilizing all his years of training to outrun the fucking sky.

He didn't need to turn around to notice that the ground folded into itself wherever he had been, creating a deep ravine that was overshadowed by a wave of blue and white.

His breathing grew heavier by the minute. He wouldn't be able to outrun it. He had to hide.

As if an answer to his predicament, the miles of plains that had replaced Ponyville suddenly disappeared. He skidded to a stop at the edge, looking back and forth between the drop into the void and the sky. He couldn't decide. It was either certain death, or possible death.

The wind whistled by, creating a sound as if the gods had sighed impatiently. In response, the plot of grass beneath him began plummeting at blistering speeds. He screeched in fear, completely oblivious to the fact that he stayed on the ground and didn't float away, as the land behind him was left in the dust.

He saw the plains again, below him. He was rapidly approaching at a speed that would have killed him somehow already. He landed without as much as a thump, creating waves of rising squares of land around him, which rose to enclose him on three sides, leaving an opening that was lined with two filled arches of dirt, which pulsed a bright yellow in pace with his speeding heart.

Everything stopped. His breath stopped, the pulsing stopped, his movements froze, and his heart rate declined, but to his dismay, neither his hearing or the beeping stopped.

*beeeeeeeee-*

The continuous beep faded away, being replaced by angelic singing as all the light around him suddenly disappeared, leaving only the yellow tinted dirt arches. A light grew at the end of the path, which finally solidified the dreading feeling in the back of his mind.

He was dead.

After that revelation, everything suddenly became… better. His heart was replaced by a feeling of eternal happiness. He smiled as he marched towards the light, no longer scared of leaving his friends and family behind.

Family…

His march faltered as he remembered his parents, all the way in Manehatten, encouraging him to leave and take the job to be part of Princess Celestia’s royal guard, assuring him that they would be fine without him there.

Friends...

His short smile faded as he remembered Iron Clad and Hoofguard, remembering the joy he felt each time he joked around with Iron Clad’s sense of formality, and his knowing smile after each reprimand.

He stopped, the angelic singing becoming more powerful and more meaningful each memory he remembered. He remembered the humans, the three aliens who arrived here by means unknown to him, humans who were quick to try their best to integrate themselves into pony kind and assist militaristic endeavors with their guiding hands.

Proxy, the lady with a temper, the heavy weapons soldier.

Noir Lime, the invisible assassin he had come to look up to.

And lastly, Marine, the overseeing eye that directed him and his friends to victory.

His death preventing experiences were abruptly cut short as the unseen mare from before shouted.

“Clear!”

Suddenly, the arches glowed a brilliant golden shine, while also arching with electricity, the light filling his vision as the singing reached the point of bursting his eardrums. Then everything suddenly went pitch black, the angelic singing fading away as he returned to reality.

Part 2 - Bedridden

*beep*

That sound. That fucking noise. It restarted his body, bringing all the pain back in full force. His eyes shot open as he took a deep breath, sputtering as blurry dots moved and shifted in his damaged vision.

He blinked a few times, clearing up his vision enough to separate pony from background.

*beep*

“Can somepony *cough cough* turn that bloody noise off?!” He exclaimed, inducing another coughing fit as he heard the clopping of hooves rushing to presumably do what he asked. The beeping was quickly silenced, reducing his pain by the tiniest fraction that was big enough to be noticeable.

“*Cough cough* Thank you.” He got out, still breathing heavily with the occasional cough.

He was getting nothing from his sight, so he opted to close them, allowing them to rest, instead focusing on his hearing, which was much better at decrypting what was going on.

“Are you okay?! What happened?!” He picked out the voice of the mare he saved from all the commotion, deciding to answer her first.

“I'm f-fine. Just a little s-shook up is all." He answered, his coughing finally subsiding enough to allow him to speak freely.

“What happened?” Another asked, who he recognized as Twilight Sparkle from his time serving as a guard.

“I-I saved the hostage, then yeeted us both out the window to escape the heavy armor.” He answered, deciding to use a young teens slang to convey his message.

“Yeeted? What's that?" She asked.

“N-Nothin’, don't worry about it." He responded, waving a hoof dismissively as his breath calmed to a controllable level.

“W-Where is the boss? I need ta give him a m-mission report." He asked, hoping to get the hard stuff out of the way so he could recover in peace.

“Right here, soldier.” Marine answered, sounding like he was across the room. He heard the slow and methodical thumps of Marine’s foot falls approaching his left, along with the tapping of ponies moving out of his way in the small room.

He turned his head left, to address Marine directly.

“Midnight, mission start. Approached target stealthily, eliminating five hostiles before reaching event. Warned of patrol, adverted to stay hidden. Patrol had hostage. Proxy hit and run, eliminating the three guards. Niner Dash Three ordered to grab hostage and escape situation as Niner Dash One and Niner Dash Four covered our exfil.” Lone Feather took a moment to gather his thoughts and breath before continuing.

“Niner Dash Three crashes through door window with hostage, rolling to a stop. Niner Dash Three K.O., hostage last known condition safe. End report.” He stopped, panting slightly at the summary of his mission.

He felt Marine lay an armored hand on his stomach in a reassuring gesture. “You did good, soldier.” Marine warmly spoke to him. “You completed the mission, and risked your life for somepony you didn't know.” He patted Lone Feather a few times, which slightly hurt.

“W-What happened to Proxy and Noir?” Lone Feather asked, wanting to squeeze that last bit of information before proceeding with medical stuff.

“Well, Noir was knocked out by a charging changeling, before Proxy dragged him out and away from the rapidly increasing hostile force. Lemme tell ya, it was real fuckin’ epic.” Marine finished with a chuckle, which was repeated in earnest by Lone Feather.

“I’m fine too, y’know.” Iron Clad spoke up, eliciting a second chuckle from the bedridden soldier.

“What’s so funny?” Iron Clad asked in a harsh tone as another pony snickered.

“Nothin’, Private, nothin’.” Lone Feather said, his quiet laughter ended with him clearing his throat.

“I-Is Noir here? If he isn’t, can he be?” Lone Feather asked his boss.

He heard footsteps approaching his right. His head turned to face Noir as the human stopped.

“Well, me appearing outta thin air wasn’t as cool without you seeing, but yeah, i’m here.” Noir said, patting Lone Feather’s head a few times, rustling his dark purple mane.

Lone Feather decided to finally open his eyes to see the two ponies and humans surrounding him. He first saw Noir towering over him. Feather trailed his eyes up to Noir’s head.

“H-Have I been staring at your crotch this entire time?” Feather nervously asked, hoping he didn’t ruin his first face-to-face conversation with his idol.

“Yeah, but I don’t mind. I’m used to girls doin’ it all the time.” He joked. Feather smiled as he looked around. His eyes widened before he saw half the room, already surprised by the mane six, Spike, and Princess Celestia crammed into this tiny hospital room. He suddenly felt claustrophobic.

“Wow.” Feather said, looking over to Marine, before returning his eyes to the ponies present. “All of you really came just to see me?” Feather asked.

“Well, duh!” Pinkie Pie said, hopping over to the foot of his bed. “It’s not right to not go visit a friend in the hospital!” She explained with a wide grin.

“Well, I r-really appreciate it.” Feather admitted, joy sparkling in his eyes.

“Unless Feather has more questions for the ponies, I kindly ask that you all leave so that we may finish military discussions.” Marine said.

Rainbow Dash flew up to his face with a smug grin. “Who said we were gonna leave?” She asked.

“That’s an order.” He said, unflinching.

“Hah! I only take orders from Spitfire!” She exclaimed. “I’d rather die than take orders from you.” She hissed quietly.

“If you do not comply, that can be arranged.” He calmly stated.

“Oh, you wanna go? Let’s go!” Rainbow said, shaking her hooves in a fighting motion.

“Them’s fightin’ words, boss.” Noir pointed out.

“So they are.” Marine confirmed.

“Dodge THIS!” Rainbow yelled, swinging at the human.

He ducked, using his upward momentum from rising to grab her by the neck, and slammed her into the wall in the span of one second, which elicited a collective gasp from the other ponies in the room.

“O-ok-okay! OKAY! UNCLE! UNCLE!” Rainbow yelled, rapidly tapping the humans arm. He dropped her, allowing her to hover in place and rub her neck. She mumbled to herself as she slowly floated back to her spot.

“Unless anypony else wants a shot at me, I strongly request you all leave now.” He ordered.

“What if I wanted to fight you?” Noir asked.

“Due to our nearly identical skill, our fight would cause too much damage to our surroundings and we may inflict collateral damage in the process.” Marine explained.

“So you’re saying we would fight?” Noir summarized.

“Yes, we would, it’s just not the right time or place.” Marine confirmed.

“Tomorrow, 0100, meet me in Cadence’s throne room, then i’ll take you to where we can fight.” Noir said.

“Deal.” Marine said.

“Wait, so you’ll just f-fight, or what?” Feather asked.

“Spar. It’s a spar.” Noir corrected.

“Yes, right, spar. So that’s what you’re g-going to do?” He rephrased.

“Correct, private.” Marine confirmed, before laying a hand on Feather’s shoulder. “But you need not worry about our squabbles. You worry about yourself and Iron Clad.” He assured the injured stallion.

“What about H-Hoofguard? After her valiant effort to help defend against an alien invasion, you’re just g-gonna forget about her?” Feather accused Marine with a glare.

“... Well, that escalated quickly.” Noir commented.

“I left her out due to her punishment, not her directly. Do not forget, Private, that without justice, we are without hope.” Marine reminded him.

“You never said that!" Noir exclaimed.

“Yeah!" Feather agreed, a scowl adorning his dirty face.

“You're not helping, Noir.” Marine growled.

“And about Hoofguards punishment. You said that means they can't be near each other. What about letters, huh?” Noir accused, leaning in over the bed.

“It's required for the punishment to work.” Marine answered, as still as a statue.

“I thought this was just for peace of mind, not an actual punishment!” Noir exclaimed, his arms finally moving by being flung up in a gesture of misunderstanding.

“Ya know what, how about you go learn the value of friendship or whatever it is, and go hang out with Flurry?” Noir said. “I'll stay and do the military stuff.”

“You know I can't do that.” Marine replied.

“Well, you might as well, because I can't recover in such a hostile environment.” Feather spat, looking straight ahead with his eyes closed, and his hooves crossed.

Marine saw no way out of this that wouldn't resort to violence. He sighed in defeat. “Fine.”

“Good!" Noir said. “She should still be at the empire. Tell the guards I sent you." Noir informed him.

“But before I go…” Marine trailed off, looking at the pony defiantly laying under his covers. “Private Lone Feather, I just want you to know that this is for your own good.”

Everything went silent. Feathers hooves drooped of the side of the bed as he looked at Marine with the most incredulous look on his face.

“What?" Marine asked.

“You know that that is the worst excuse, for anything, ever?” Feather asked.

“Boss." Marine looked up, only to see Noir pointing towards the door.

“Get the fuck out.”

The Infiltration Pt.1

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Keepin' Things Fresh

Author's Note

Yo yo yo, it's ya boi, big red fu *static*, back at it again with another chapter! Not just any chapter, however. Since I've been lacking in the plot department recently, I've decided to add a little thing to spice things up: guns n' gore!

Oh, and plot too. Can't forget that. Very important.

Keepin' Things Fresh

“... And… Your… Family… Too…” the lady in the blue suit mumbled as she scribbled words on a note, her tongue stuck out in concentration as she completed the rather short letter.

“There! Done!” She proclaimed, holding out the paper for Twilight to grab and send. But instead, she facehoofed with a sigh.

“What?" Blue asked, staring at the princess curiously as she stuck a fusion core inside her laser Gatling in preparation.

“We can't just threaten the aliens, that'll only make it worse!” Twilight exclaimed, grabbing the letter and incinerating it in her magic.

“Well, why not? Surely if things went sour, me or one of those other nuts could do the do.” The human explained, shining a mini nuclear bomb with a dishrag.

“While I am entirely certain of your capabilities to handle such threats, the implications would begin a war that Equestria is unprepared for.” Twilight explained, glaring at the trigger happy lawyer.

Nora sighed, tossing the nuke behind her back. “Ok, fine. But how about…” She started digging around in a non-existent pocket before her hand re-emerged filled with bottle caps.

“We will not bribe the extraterrestrial aliens!” Twilight scolded, watching the human put the caps back into her never ending backpack with a pout.

“Besides, I don’t think their currency lines up with yours.” The princess explained.

“Bah!” the human exclaimed, crossing her arms as she brushed past the lilac pony. “Everybody loves bottle caps.” She mumbled, bringing up her pip boy to summon a specific object from the deep depths of the hell that is her inventory.

Nuka-Col- Ahem, name brand carbonated beverage. Apologies.

As she popped off the cap with her inhuman strength (not really, she used her Shishkebab to open that sucker), she felt Twilight frantically tapping her leg as she raised the drink to her lips, but felt inclined to down the entire bottle first, tossing it over her shoulder before looking at Twilight with a raised eyebrow as the glass shattered on the tile.

“What did you just do?!” Twilight asked. Rather loudly, in fact.

“Drink a soda?” She replied, answering a question with an equally confused question.

“What? no, you just… froze time or something!” She explained.

“You guys freeze along with time, huh? You don’t freeze and notice whenever I stab about a million needles in the exact same spot at once?” She asked, placing her hands on her hips.

“Answer the question!” Twilight yelled, adopting an annoyed expression, to which Nora responded with a rebellious look, which disappeared as soon as it had arrived.

“Fine, fine! It’s this!” She stated, gesturing at the pip boy on her left arm. “Although this infinitely powered mother fucker can do a lot more than just freeze time.” She stated, summoning another demon drink and popping off the cap with her thumb, which happened to be the thumb on the same hand that was holding the drink, making the action about 19% cooler.

“What else can it do?” Twilight asked, her demeanor swiching from annoyed to excited real fucking quick.

“Can’t tell you.” She simply stated, chugging the drink in less than five seconds before it joined its dead brother behind the demon lady’s back.

“Aw, why not?” The pony said in a slightly somber tone, her ears flattening against her head.

“Secrets of the trade, sister.” Blue answered, gulping down yet another drink.

“What trade? Can a mercenary like you not tell a national leader and multiple time world saver what the buck that thing is?!” The pony princess cursed, already setting her mind on discovering the true intent of the device strapped securely around the homo sapien’s forearm.

“Nope.” She replied coolly, wiping her lips with a content sigh as the pile of broken glass grew.

“Also, why do you keep drinking… whatever that drink is?” Twilight asked with a suspicious stare, watching as the vault dweller began downing yet another one.

As soon as the mare mentioned it, the lady froze, the bottle half full. Or half empty. Doesn’t matter, she can’t tell how much is left because of the textures. She lowered it from her lips, holding it at forearms distance in front of her as she stared at it.

After about a minute of wait, which felt like an hour to Nora cause she hasn’t worried about time since unfreezing in that damn vault, she gave - in Twilight’s opinion - a half baked answer.

“I need capssss.” She hissed, before vacuuming the rest of the bottle’s contents and watering the pile of glass with even more glass.

“And why do you need caps?” The pony asked, before realization dawned on her as she began to squeal in delight. “Ooh, are you finally going to buy a house so you have somewhere to put your stuff?” She asked with a wide smile.

“First of all, everything i’m packing equals a total mass larger than this planet.” She repeated the slow money making process once again. “Dos, I could build a castle and a half if I wanted.” Instead of another drink, this time she summoned a vaguely - very vaguely - L shaped object, pulling back a slide on top of it before it snapped back into place with a click once she let go. “Alththalith, I don’t fucking want to.”

She then aimed the device in Twilight’s direction, rotating her body a full 90 degrees to hold her gun out, as well as making her look extra cool. “Tabcat…” She said, motioning to the side. “Move.” Twilight did as she was told, but before she could ask the lady why, a creature suddenly appeared behind her, which was evident by it’s loud, zompony like screech.

Twilight whipped around in horror, merely catching a glimpse of the rotting human like creature wearing tattered rags before she heard a very, very loud sound behind her, which sounded similar to an object breaking the sound barrier.

Time seemed to slow, and she heard a single guitar string play as she watched a metal object no larger than… really any kind of pellet fly over her head, flying towards the head of the creature. Suddenly, before the pellet impacted its head, it tilted it clear, causing the metal object to whiz past its head, resuming normal time as it did so.

The creature watched where the shot landed, before letting out a short yell as its attention snapped back onto the pony-slash-human pair.

“Shit.”

The creature leaned forward, its perpetually open jaw emitting equally the most recognizable and horrifying Screech known to human and ponykind alike.

As soon as it took one step, however, the human made another loud sound, followed by a bullet embedding itself into the monster’s chest, causing it to recoil back with a spray of blood and a yelp of surprise before one last round landed directly in the center of it’s forehead, blasting its head clean off in a shower of blood and gore. Twilight held a hoof over her mouth as she barely resisted the urge to puke. In an act of not helping, Blue unloaded one final round into its chest to make sure that it was dead, causing it to explode in a shower of organs and limbs, which caused Twilight to turn away from the scene and vomit… right on Nora’s shoes.

“Fuck, I forgot,” The human started, dropping the magazine currently in the weapon onto the floor. “Ponies haven’t seen blood.” She finished, slamming another magazine into the bottom of the gun and pulling back the slide, causing the same action as before to occur once she released it.

Twilight continued to lose her lunch all over Blue’s shoes, leaning against her leg as she shook, likely scarred for life over that fairly mediocre kill. Well, in Blue’s opinion. She began scratching behind Twilight’s ears in an attempt to console her, mumbling apologies, and the phrase “you’re okay” every few words. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, mind you.

A few minutes later, Twilight had stopped retching, lest she start losing organs. She also leaned into the scratching, prompting Blue to focus on that more and cease her incessant apologies, leaving Twilight to stand there with her eyes closed and her ears flat, attempting to forget the gruesome scene. Which Blue had magically removed during Twilight’s little moment.

“Need some water?” Blue offered softly, holding a white can that had the words ‘Purified Water’ printed along the top of it in front of Twilight’s face, although not too close to avoid being intrusive.

Noticing that Twilight was eying the container, Blue magically popped the lid off with her thumb, angling it towards Twilight so she could see the contents.

Twilight nodded, and began moving her head forward to drink from the container. Taking the cue, Blue angled it to pour out as soon as it touched Twilight’s lips, effectively feeding Twilight the water like one would feed milk to a baby. Is the correct term feed? Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Back to the story.

Pretty soon, the container was empty, leaving Twilight content and making Blue make a special addition to her assortment of broken shards of glass. With a quick thank you, Twilight returned to the scratches, sighing in exhaustion.

They stayed like this. For hours.

Starlight’s Village
Two Hours Before Arrival

It was dark. And stormy. Because it has to be to properly introduce a main villain.

As all the ponies in the village took shelter in their copied and pasted homes, they never took the time to notice a creature looming atop a cliff.

“Another settlement…" The creature spoke, his deep and looming voice echoing through the small canyon containing the village, although nopony heard, cause then he’s not secret.

What sounded like cranking could be heard if you were very close to the creature, a red ball of energy suddenly glowing bright against the dark sky in the boxy glass compartment strapped onto the long device he held.

“Needs saving…" He continued, cranking the weapon a second time to produce an even brighter glow.

“Must find help…" He growled, wishing his friends were here to assist, but no, Sturges just had to piss off the local nuke population by hacking that damn teleporter before they were ready, and now he's here! Alone! With nobody to help! No Minutemen, no willing settlers, not even a damn guard.

“Yesssss…” He hissed, remembering those three golden numbers he had seen during his final moments at the Institute facility, watching her back up into the teleporter to stay out of reach of the incoming synths wielding shock batons. He wasn't entirely sure, but he was sure enough that she traveled with him to go find her.

“Find blue suit…” He started, raising his left arm in front of his chest, his right hand poised to press a button that lay embedded into his clothes.

“Find help…" He finished. A well timed bolt of plot lightning struck, lighting up his blank African American face before he disappeared, the only trace of him being the distorted air in his rough shape leaving the area, planning to find the blue suit.

Medieval AND Futuristic!

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The Infiltration Pt. 2

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Bro's Night Out

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Sunrise the Foalsitter

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A Night With the Princess

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Entropy Zero 2: Still Alive

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Entropy Zero 2: I am filled with MURDEROUS INTENT

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Entropy Zero 2: First Day on the Job

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Entropy Zero 2: Declaration of Friendship

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King or Sum shit

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