Stern waved a ~~leg~~ ~~arm~~ appendage in front of Sunset’s face, while the other held the door open. And two more held flowers. Another rubbed the back of his head. “Hello? Sunset?” He stepped aside, leaving the way open for Sunset to enter. “Come on in.”
Sunset screamed. Then she ran down the street, still screaming. She ran back and jumped into her car through the open window.
Stern watched her struggle to reorient herself, and he sighed. He looked at the flowers. He looked at her. “Why is dating so hard?”
The flowers fell on the doormat, covering the message “NOW ENTERING DRAMA FREE ZONE.” Sunset’s car ignition masked the click of the latch as the door closed.
———🕸️———
In his pajamas, Stern sat in his recliner with Arachnaphobia playing on his laptop in the darkened room. He wiped a tear away as the tarantula and avon spider met. He reached for the box of tissues, but it was empty.
Pausing the video, Stern removed his headphones and swiveled the laptop stand away. Folding down the recliner’s footrest, he stood, sniffling and wiping away another tear.
Light spilled from below the door to the garage, drawing his attention. “Oops. Thought I shut that off.” He strode over, opened the door, and froze.
Rainbow unfroze first. “He’s here! Quick, play!” She strummed her guitar, and the others started up on the next note.
“What in Tartarus are you all doing—” Stern froze as the magic hit him. He shivered. “Hey, stop that.” He squirmed, running his six upper limbs across his body. “That tickles!” A blinding light overcame his vision as Rainbow began singing.
“Hey, I said to stop it!” Stern covered his face to block the light. A hissing sound joined the music, and he felt something wet spray onto his limbs. Stumbling back, he managed to shut the door, but tripped over his own feet and crashed to the floor.
“Come on girls, let’s finish him!”
“Oh bugger.” He turned, pulled down his pants, and spun, covering the door frame in silk.
The door open, and Sunset burst through—straight into the web. Struggling only entangled her further.
“I’ve got this,” said Rarity, pulling scissors from her bag.
Stern held up his phone, finger hovering above the dial button. “Not so fast. If any of you moves, I’m calling 911. Now put your weapons down real slow.”
Pinkie appeared beside him, causing him to jolt and drop the phone. “Weapons? What weapons?”
“Ah think he means our instruments,” said Applejack from behind Sunset, setting down her guitar while Stern fumbled on the floor for his phone. “I thought you said this guy was a monster, Sunset.”
“He is! Just look at him! Look at the web!”
“You know,” said Rainbow, “after that thing with Luna, I should have known better than to break into someone’s house with you again.”
“Can’t you see his eyes? And his teeth… things.”
“Chelae,” said Stern.
Fluttershy put a hand on Sunset’s shoulder. “You shouldn’t judge people because of how they look, Sunset. He obviously just wants us out of his house. I’m not happy you got me involved in this. Come on, girls.” Fluttershy and the others grabbed their instruments.
Sunset struggled in the web. “Guys, what are you doing? Don’t leave me here. He’s going to eat me.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Not cool, Sunset. We’re going to have words tomorrow.”
“Rarity? Even you?”
“Try to maintain some dignity, Sunset, and maybe try an apology.” The last one out, she pressed the garage door button, triggering the noisy mechanism that slowly lowered the door.
The garage door touched the ground with a thud, and sunset slumped, still held in the web. She smiled at Stern, chuckling. “Little help, please?”
He rolled his eyes, putting away his phone. He walked down the hall.
“Hey! Don’t leave me hanging.”
“Relax,” he called back. “I’m just getting a tissue.” He walked back with a tissue box, ripped the perforated top open, and threw away the trash. He turned to Sunset. “Do you need to stare at me?”
“Sorry.” She looked down while he blew his nose.
More walking—into the living room, then back to the kitchenette. Rummaging under the sink. Running water. The squeak of plastic on plastic. A chair scraping on the floor. Finally, He sat down in front of her. “Alright. This is how it’s gonna go. We’re going to have a conversation. Depending on how that goes, I either call the cops or let you down. It starts with an apology.”
Sunset murmured, “I’m sorry.”
“What? I couldn’t hear you.”
Louder: “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry for breaking into your house.”
“You hurt my feelings too, you know.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” She looked up at the sound of him shifting in his chair, catching the smile on his face. Rather, his chelae wiggled in what Sunset assumed was a smile-equivalent. “Can I go now?”
“We’re not done yet.” He shifted again. “We have a history, you know?”
“What?”
“We used to be together.”
“I think I’d remember dating a spider… thing.”
“Not together like that. Just physically colocated.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m from Equestria too.”
“What? No. Get out.”
“It’s true.”
“How did you get here?” She tilted her head, smiling. It’s good to meet a fellow Equestrian. “And what happened to you? Everypony who comes through the portal so far has turned into a regular human.”
“I… I wasn’t a pony.” He shook his head. “I was a star spider.”
“So what, you were hanging out on your web when the portal activated and got sucked through?”
Stern tsked. “I lived in the dorms. A nice bright room with sunlight, open windows, and flies. I accidentally caught a ride with a pony on her saddlebag when she came through.”
“Who did you—no way. Seriously?” She shuddered.
“See. There. Right there is what I’m talking about. That’s not cool.” He crossed his arms—six of them. “What’s wrong with spiders?”
“They’re—” Sunset hung her head, frowning. “Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with spiders.
“That’s right. Nothing. Spiders perform an important job, keeping insect populations down. Trust me. I’ve been camping a few times, and a mosquito epidemic is the last thing you want.”
“So what’d you do? How did you survive in the human world? I brought some golden bits from Equestria. Arbitrage paid for my… everything really.”
“Star spiders are too small to lug bits through the portal, so I started my own business.”
“Really? That’s awesome! What’d you do? How’d it turn out?”
“Pest extermination. Kinda like Orkin, but independent.”
She laughed.
He glared.
“Wait, that wasn’t a joke?”
He squirmed in his seat. “I’m not a species traitor. Earth spiders are completely unrelated to Equestria’s spiders.”
“How would you even know that?”
He blushed. “Anyway. After making a bit of money, I claimed asylum. Convincing them that my family was persecuted in Equestria was easy.” He glared at her. “That was a few years back. I’m an American now. Yay team USA! How did you naturalize?”
Sunset looked away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“No. Get out. You don’t have papers?”
She swallowed and nodded.
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it. Do you know what ICE does with undocumented migrants these days? Here.” He pulled out his wallet, flipping through cards. He took one out and handed it to Sunset. “This is my immigration lawyer, Sukarno Escobar. He specializes in cases like ours.”
“I can’t afford this.” She offered the card back.
“Most of his work is pro-bono.” He pushed her hand back. “He made enough in corporate law to retire comfortably, so now he tries to deserve everything he earned.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll go on another date with me, and no screaming, magic, or bug spray this time.”
“Even after all the trouble I’ve caused?”
He smiled. “I think you’re really hot.” He frowned. “And it’s really hard to get a date for some reason.”
“And if I don’t, then what? You call the cops on me? Or ICE?”
“What? No. Who would even do that? Do you think I’m a monster?”
She gave him a look that said “Really?”
“Alright, fine. Forget I asked. It shouldn’t still surprise me how speciesist ponies are.”
“What?” Sunset scowled.
“Nevermind. Just go. I don’t think I can deal with this any more.”
“I’m sorry.” Sunset took a deep breath, digging to find the motivation for a sweet smile. “Stern, will you go on a date with me.”
He folded his arms. Four four them at least. “No more shenanigans?”
“No more shenanigans.”
“Fine, but only if you say please.”
“Stern, will you please go on a date with me?”
He smiled. “Alright. You can pick me up tomorrow at five.”
“Deal. Now how do I get out of these webs?”
He lifted a spray bottle. “Dish soap and water. Dissolves them just fine.”
———🕸️———
They sat in the dim light of Red Lobster, holding hands above the table while, below, Stern’s lower appendages played footsie with Sunset.
He stared into her eyes. “Time has gone by so fast since we met. It seems like this should be our first date monthiversary instead of our third.”
Sunset stared at his plate. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over you eating lobster.” She shook her head. “What were you saying?”
“Come on. Let’s get out of here and celebrate our monthiversary.”
She smiled, tilting her head down and batting her lashes. “Yes. I think it’s time.” She leaned across the table and they kissed, his chelae stroking her cheek. They pulled apart and Sunset reached for her wallet. “I’ll get the bill this time. It’s nice to finally have a bit of money thanks to the research job with my professor.”
“I’m glad you decided to stay in town for college. Maintaining a long-distance relationship is tough.” They stood, donning their jackets.
“Don’t be so glum,” she said, taking his hand. She leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “I’ve got a special surprise for you to unwrap tonight.”
“Well what are we waiting for. Come on!” Almost knocking down several people, he pulled her along, practically running out of the restaurant and to her car.
———🕸️———
Stern sat up in bed, tipping his head back. “Ok, Sunset. I’m ready for you to eat me.”
Sunset cocked her head. “What?”
“I’m ready for you to eat me, so you have enough energy reserves to feed our children.”
“Stern, I don’t think you’re being funny right now. Knock it off.”
Stern planted his fists on his sides, elbows out. “I’m serious! This is what my people do.”
“I’m not your people,” said Sunset with air quotes. She grabbed her phone and opened Pokemon Go.
A musical chime announced the capture of another little monster.
He grabbed the phone from her.
“Hey! Give that back.”
“Not until you acknowledge my traditions and eat me.”
“You know what, this was a mistake.” She grabbed her phone back and collected her things around the room. “Next time you date someone, be upfront about your kinks.”
“Wait!” he called, pausing her at the door. “Don’t you want to eat me?”
“No, Stern,” she said as she left. “I don’t do vore.”
