Author's Note
Just a little venting exercise.
Dissolve
Dissolve
It was a brand new day, which meant sunshine dancing along the streets and embracing everything in its gentle warmth. New days meant new opportunities, new moments to share and memories to make. More laughter and fun would be present. There would be new friends, new experiences, new dreams, new wonder.
A new day was not supposed to be spent indoors.
It wasn't meant to be spent curled up in bed doing nothing.
It was wrong. It was pathetic and suffocating.
But, most of all, it was lonely.
Here in her room did the earth pony lay, curled beneath the comforts of her blanket. She'd wipe at her dreary, bloodshot eyes from whatever tears spilled as she went to fetch herself whatever food she had, then retreat to the messy mattress as though she never moved in the first place.
Hooves slowly clicking against the hardwood floor would echo with every step taken. Another glance towards the dish-filled sink for the third time today, followed by a shrug. I'll get to it later, she thought.
They would remain unwashed again.
An empty gaze would catch the mirror hanging on the wall in the living room. A jungle of lavender atop her scalp greeted her, along with those hollow eyes that stared right back. I'll comb it out soon, or maybe go and get a quick cut instead. I could go and schedule one in a bit.
She never does.
Vinyl records lay on the floor abandoned beside their respective sleeves. Quills and crumpled paper balls littered the desk beneath the window. Appearances hardly mattered now. The sweet embrace that slumber granted had become more appealing as the days went on.
Grab a few snacks, head back to bed, cry, maybe fall asleep again.
It was her new routine.
She hated it.
Nothing but naps and stuffing her face with whatever chips and vegetables that happened to be sitting around in the kitchen. If the mare could, she'd slap and scream at herself for being so gloomy and that there were others out there who had bigger problems.
Just reach out and talk already! You got a mouth, USE IT!
Easier said than done.
It felt like a noose wrapping itself tightly as it slowly cut off the air she desperately needed. It was draining but she would tell herself to simply suck it up and deal with it. No complaining, no showing weakness. Just stitch on that smile and head off to work, say hi to a few co-workers. Talk to a couple ponies while doing a little shopping to ease some of the burden. Write letters to her parents, saying that everything was perfectly fine and that they had absolutely nothing to worry about.
It was only when the door shut behind the earth pony and the silence echoing in her ears did the mask slip and revealed her true form.
A mess.
She was nothing but a scared, lonely and tired mess.
No one would ever hear the screams piercing the air as the whirlwind tossed every belonging to the floor in a fit of frustrated rage. No one would ever hear the sobs flowing from the bathroom, masked by the sounds of the shower as it continued to fail in cleansing the little soul sitting beneath. No one would hear a thing, oblivious to it all as everything continued to spiral behind closed doors.
There would never be any knocking on the front door to see if she was alright. How could anyone possibly ever know what happened to begin with? If by some miracle there was someone there, how could they possibly react?
There were many days when she had hoped to hear those knocks, even now.
She wanted to escape. Pack up whatever essentials and bits she could and take off. But there was no place to go. She had no wings to soar with, no horn to teleport her to wherever in Equestria she dared to go. Not to mention she'd still be alone regardless. Running away wouldn't solve anything in the long run. Others would start to worry and wonder where she had gone. Then there was the embarrassment of having to explain what had been really going on, what dark secrets she stashed away. They'd want to help, she knew it all too well.
She never felt ready for adulthood at all. Nothing had prepared her for it. It was all sudden. Fear and anxiety would cloud whatever fragment of solace she managed to capture in her inexperienced hooves. To this day the little mare had no clue what in Tatarus she was even doing or how to do anything. Sure, she figured some things out such as paying bills, but there was that feeling of ineptitude just waiting to choke her and drag her back down towards the deep abyss.
She was embarrassed and ashamed to seek out help.
She was afraid of placing her burden on another pony's shoulders.
She was tired of everything.
All she wanted was some peace of mind, a nice cup of tea, and a caring hug. Anything to banish the swirling doubts and fears plaguing her. Anything to put her at ease and to tell her that she was doing alright out on her own. It would be nice to forget all those pesky troubles and just let go. No worries, no pressure or anxiety smothering her until she drowned. Nothing but sweet relief to carry her away.
Another nap would take the mare once again. Another wave of tears would absorb into the confines of the plush pillow. There'd be more dreams of being called useless by her own mother for being such a disappointment (though she knew deep down that it would never happen). There'd be more thoughts swirling around, more what-ifs slapping her in the face, reminders of what should have been done a long time ago.
Another day would go by wasted in bed. Again.
No smiles. No laughter. Hardly any sound.
No sunshine.
Nothing save for dark, cloudy skies.
Perhaps the storm will break and clear up one day, but for now, she'll stand in the pouring rain.
