Dating Chaos

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Self Insert
Length: 1948

My grumpf noodle Discord needs cheering up, so I tell him some cheesy jokes.

Short story that popped into my head last night. Discord is having problems with depression, so I go to visit him and cheer him up like a good coltfriend. Just some pointless fluff, really. Trigger Warning: Contains graphic, intense usage of puns.

Published 2019-09-17 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-17 02:10:01 UTC

Love is pretty cheesy sometimes

I was getting worried. It had only been a week and a half, but he usually checked in at least every other day. I’d sent him one or two (or ten) texts, and even called him, but all I got was silence and a voicemail prompt. “Hi, this is Discord. I’m most likely doing something amazing right now, so leave your name and a number, and I’ll be sure to send some chaos your way!” Discord could get… well, the way I got, which was really bad. I should break down and go visit him.

Equestria and Earth had met through some sort of one in a million magical, dimensional merging fluke. It should have been impossible; it certainly wasn’t probable, but it had happened. Bronies had been thrilled that they could meet and talk to their heroes, and ponies had been both flattered and slightly disturbed by all the attention they got. In the first few weeks and months after First Contact, I’d been worried that racism would lead to some sort of war of the worlds, but nobody human had reacted that way to ponies. The fact that ponies had unintentionally weaponized adorableness probably had something to do with that, it would be like declaring war on puppies and kittens. There was some grumbling along the usual lines of ponies who moved to earth “taking our jobs,” but with all that magic brought, very few people actually minded. Ponies had also gotten full access to human technology and knowledge, and we’d helped to adapt it to creatures with no fingers. It had turned out to be a really mutually beneficial relationship.

Ponies in general had wound up being treated like celebrities, and there were many I wanted to meet, but I knew that wasn’t likely to happen. At least, it hadn’t until the day I met him. I’d been in the grocery store, when like the klutz I was, I’d bumped into someone two feet taller than me, who was built like a snake, and who had … fur? I turned around to apologize, and the words died in my throat. Discord himself was looking at me with one of those bushy eyebrows raised. I couldn’t figure out what the Lord of Chaos was doing in a grocery store in a backwater town like mine. No one ever came here of their own free will. He’d said that he just wanted to get away from it all for a bit. We’d talked for a bit, and to my surprise he asked for my number. I’d given it to him, and we parted ways.

I hadn’t thought any more of it, until I started being swarmed with texts. They were all from “Chaos Noodle 1,” so I had a pretty good idea who was texting me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that’s what he was listed as in my contacts, along with a piece of fanart I really liked for his contact picture. I couldn’t figure out why he was texting me, but I honestly liked “talking” to him. We had a similar sense of humor, which always helped me become almost instant friends with someone. Besides, Discord could send things like pies via text. About the fifth time he’d done that, I’d joked that I loved him. To my shock, he sent a text that let out an earsplitting squeal of joy, and two seconds later, he was in my room. “FINALLY!” he cheered. “I’d tried everything I could think of!”

He’d said that he’d really liked me, and had been wanting to ask me out, but hadn’t thought of a way. That had really surprised me. I was a diehard Fluttercord shipper, so why would he be interested in ~~something~~ someone like me? I’d agreed to a lunch, and … well… things had gone from there. Now I was the boyfriend of the Sprit of Chaos and Disharmony.

I wasn’t sure why Discord could even be around me; we weren’t alike at all. Discord was pansexual, I was asexual. Discord thrived on pure chaos, I needed absolute order to even function. Discord was a bit of a narcissist at times, I didn’t like myself at all. We were alike in some ways, I just couldn’t think of why he’d liked me, and still liked me.

Back in the present, I was heading for my town’s portal to Equestria. Every town and city had at least one, so that humans and Equestrians could easily visit both worlds. After standing in line, I told the portal, “Ponyvi – no, scratch that.” If I was right and Discord was doing badly, there was one place he’d be. “Chaosville,” I told the portal. It hummed, and the light changed. I quickly stepped through.

Discord’s home made me dizzy at best. The random gravity changes didn’t help much. I tumbled and sort of “swam” my way to his front door. I knocked on it loudly. “Discord?” I called. Nothing. I glanced around. The phrase “pocked dimension” was misleading in that it made you think it was small, but Ponyville could have fit in here twice over. He could be anywhere, assuming he was even in here. I figured he would be staying home. He seemed to add new locations at random. As much as I didn’t like chaos, I did find spontaneity fun.

I sighed. “I know I’m overreacting, but where in the wide worlds of Earth and Equestria is that dumb fluff noodle?” The breeze shifted and I smelled cheese. Lots of cheese. That seemed like a good place to start. I flailed my way in the direction I thought the smell was coming from (my sense of smell sucks) and found Discord sitting on a large floating island, his back against a Doctor Seuss style tree, surrounded by piles of different types of cheese. I paddled my way above the island and landed on my stomach, the air knocking out of me with a faint “Oof.” Another graceful landing completed.

I pulled myself to my feet and walked over to Discord. He was staring off into the middle distance, a despairing look upon his face. Discord knew what I smelled and sounded like, so the fact that he hadn’t even reacted to me meant that things were Really Bad. I sat down on the grass in between two piles of cheese. Not wanting to waste a good piece of cheese while it was there, I broke a chunk off and bit into it. Mmm. Provolone. I glanced at Discord again. He rarely got like this, and every time he did, he was remembering his mistakes and the creatures he’d hurt.

I sighed. “I’ve gouda admit, it’s nice to be jack here.” It might have been my imagination, but the corner of Discord’s mouth seemed to turn up for a second. “I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do to make you feel cheddar?” Nothing. “You really shouldn’t be provolone at a time like this. You don’t have to shred yourself. I know right now you’d disabrie, but you’re not a muenster. It’s cheesy, but I think you’re a really grate guy. The whole time we’ve been dating, you’ve always been a Monterey of light when I need it, can’t I return the favor? You’re a lot feta than you think you are. I know you’re having a bad day, but it’s nacho fault. You’ve ricotta to let your mistakes go. I camembert seeing you this upset.”

Discord snickered. He then chuckled. He then started howling with laughter until tears ran down his fur. He clutched his sides. “Oh my Faust, just stop with the puns!”

“Never,” I said with an evil grin. “I’m glad you’re talking; I was running out of material.”

Discord chuckled. “Do you make these up as you go, or do you have a notebook somewhere, so you’re always prepared?”

“I cannote confirm or deny that accusation, but I think the rest of my day is now booked. I don’t like seeing you spiral into despair; I’m bound to help you. I think I can cover a bad mood, but my tries may be outside the lines. I want to paper you with jokes just to make you feel better. If you open up, everything will be all write, I promise.”

Discord covered his eyes with his lion’s paw. “Help. Save me,” he said pathetically.

I chuckled. “What was wrong?”

Discord sighed. “The usual.”

I nodded. I hadn’t done the things he had done, but I understood the emotions he’d been feeling. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Discord nodded. “Later. Not now. Now I just want to spend some time with the cutest human ever,” he said, ruffling my hair with his talons.

I let out an annoyed growl. “I am not cute.”

Discord grinned. “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

“Hey! I’m the punster in this relationship. I can’t believe it. Egypt me. Now I’ll have to Pharaoh far away. If you’re stealing my thing, I’m telling my mummy. We were in the pyramiddle of an important talk here!”

Discord chuckled. “Can I hug you?”

I thought about it and nodded. I wasn’t the most physically affectionate person. I liked hugs once in a while, I just needed to be asked first. Autism made life interesting, that was for sure. Never a dull moment in my head. Although the way Discord gave hugs…

Discord wound around me like a furry boa constrictor, tightening slightly. He’d left my arms free, and I wrapped them around him. Both of us sighed deeply, we’d needed this this week. I smirked. Discord felt my arms moving, and he opened his eyes to see what I was doing. “No!” he cried in terror. “NOOOOOO!!!!” To late, I’d gone in for the kill. I began to scritch behind his ears furiously. Discord literally melted with happiness, turning into a furry liquid at his stomach. “Oh, yeeeahhhhh,” he purred. “A little to the left… THERE! RIGHT THERE!” He began to purr ecstatically.

When I was done, he collapsed like Jell-O, and began to roll around on the grass, his pupils massive. The fact that Discord acted like a cat when he was happy made me love him all the more. “Purr-fect,” I said with an evil grin.

When Discord came back from Cloud Nine, he sat up. “I really hate you sometimes,” he muttered.

“No you don’t,” I replied. “Feeling better?” Discord nodded. “It’s Guy’s Night tonight, do you want to go? We all missed you last time.”

Discord grinned. “You just like being Dungeon Master,” he said.

I nodded. “Of course. Though, I’m more of a Pungeon Master.”

Discord nodded. “That you are.”

“Do you want to get lunch?” He nodded. “Where do you want to go? You’ve got two worlds to pick from.”

Discord thought. “If you don’t mind vegetarian, there’s a great place in Cloudsdale. You’re paying though.”

“Discord, you can make it literally rain money,” I whined. “Why am I paying?”

Discord looked affronted. “I thought you wanted to cheer me up!”

I sighed. “Fine, but we’ll have to stop at my place so I can grab a bag of Bits.”

“Deal. I love you.”

I chuckled. “I tolerate you too, Discord. I don’t know why you love me, but I’m glad you do.”

Discord smiled. He then grinned evilly. “Weeeelllll …. You’re a pretty punny guy.”

Author's Note

So, yeah. Just wrote this to write and use a plethora of puns. :pinkiehappy: Hope it made some of you laugh. :derpytongue2: Feel free to point out spelling/grammar errors. Peace!