Butterfly Kisses

by MagnetBolt

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Thorax, Main 6, Pharynx, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 6193

Thorax can't get a date? That sounds like a problem for a pony who can love anyone or anything!

Equestria is a land of love and friendship, where anypony or anybug can find love. Or at least that's the theory.

With Thorax feeling down, the girls take it upon themselves to get him a date. It quickly becomes obvious why none of the Mane 6 are actually dating anypony themselves. Can Fluttershy heal Thorax's longing heart? Can Rarity finish her embroidery? Will Spike get to do anything important?

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Written as a commission for an anonymous donor.

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Published 2019-09-22 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-22 00:40:01 UTC

What's Love Got To Do With it?

It’s amazing how quickly even the smallest things become traditional. Some of these traditions were built on practical backings - Princess Celestia held the Summer Sun Celebration in a different city every year because, a thousand years ago, she and her court traveled from city to city and she raised the sun in full view of everypony there to prove that she was alive and still able to do her duty.

Other traditions are built on less serious events. When Princess Luna and Princess Celestia were young, and in truth, before either of them had their titles, they had a heated disagreement about how much time each one spent in the outhouse in the morning. Luna won the argument by carving her cutie mark into the door and claiming that it meant the outhouse belonged to her. Even now, ponies continue to make outhouse windows in the same shape.

One of the newest traditions, so new it might well die out as a fad instead of lasting into antiquity, involves weddings.

When Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor were wed, their love was so strong that an entire swarm of changelings descended down to feed on it. Or at least that’s how a lot of ponies see it. Everypony wants to think their love is so strong it can be felt across the nation, or at least tasty enough that they’d entice monsters into attending just to get a taste.

Consequently, it is quickly becoming traditional in parts of Equestria to have changelings at the wedding. Otherwise, it is said, how can anypony be sure they’re in love? It’s an open question as to how changelings actually knew to attend before their reformation, but evidence suggests that a free buffet and a gentleman’s agreement not to arrest anybug as long as they don’t cause trouble goes a long way towards following tradition.

“I love weddings,” Thorax sighed, Ponyville finally coming into view through the windows of the train. A few years ago it would have taken a little longer to spot the first signs of civilization, but having a gigantic crystal tree made it more visible.

“You love a lot of things that get you away from the hive,” Pharynx grumbled. He hadn’t looked out the windows even once. He claimed it was because he was scanning the (empty, reserved for royalty) train car for threats, but the truth was that he got motion sick.

“The hive is in the middle of nowhere.”

“It’s defensible,” Pharynx corrected.

“It’s impossible to ask ponies to meet us there,” Thorax corrected his correction. “If we’re going to have diplomatic relationships with Equestria and the Crystal Empire, it means we have to go to them and make the effort.”

The train slowed and came to a halt at the station. They stepped off the train and both had to fight to resist the urge to disguise themselves at the sight of the crowd of ponies rushing in and out of the train.

“Thorax!” Spike called out, waving.

“It’s good to see you, Spike,” Thorax said. “Thanks for letting my brother come. He needs to get out of the hive more often.”

“No, I don’t,” Pharynx huffed and glared at the passing ponies. “This place is too exposed. We should go somewhere safe.”

“Ponyville is safe,” Spike assured, despite years of experience with monsters, terrible forces of chaos, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and the constant threat of the local zoning board, who were still upset about the castle.

“Would it be okay to look at the wedding preparations?” Thorax asked. “I’m still a little nervous about being in charge of everything.”

“You don’t need to worry,” Spike assured him, patting his lower leg, the only part of Thorax’s body he could reach. “Twilight came up with a list.”

“A list?” Pharynx snorted. He was right to be skeptical but wrong about what to be skeptical about.

“Okay, she came up with about fifty lists, then invented an indexing system for the lists, then she created a summarized master list to organize her checking on the progress of all the other lists, and right now half the ponies in town are running around with homework they need to do and Davenport ran out of quills hours ago.” Spike shrugged. “Basically the same as every other holiday around here.”

Pharynx narrowed his eyes. “Everypony in this town is crazy.”

“That’s exactly what Twilight said, and she ended up moving here,” Spike said. “Come on, I think I saw the blushing bride and the uh, the other blushing bride over near town hall!”

Thorax followed Spike through town, the townsponies barely even noticing him. Even the local flowerponies were too busy getting arrangements and bouquets together to bother panicking at the sight of royalty in town.

They stopped when they got to main street, and they saw the two ponies sitting at the table in front of town hall, smiling and holding hooves and collecting sub-sub-lists from ponies who didn’t need to be told to take a shower before a wedding but had direct orders from the Princess to tell her they washed behind their ears.

“Look at them, Spike,” Thorax sighed.

Lyra leaned over to kiss Bon-Bon on the cheek, laughing at some inside joke.

“Yeah, honestly I’m surprised it took this long for those two to get together,” Spike said. “It got really awkward when they’d call each other ‘best friends’ and then make bedroom eyes at each other in public.”

“Both of them found somepony to love, and here I am trying to rule the Changelings and I can’t find anyone.” Thorax sighed.

Pharynx rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s ironic, like a sad sap on your wedding day.”

“I feel you,” Spike sighed. He looked wistfully towards the distant shape of the Carousel Boutique. “I feel your feeling deeply.”

“I’m going to go congratulate them,” Thorax said. “You guys go ahead and I’ll catch up.”

“Sure. I’ll let Twilight know where you are.” Spike gave him a thumbs-up. “There’s gonna be a picnic later, so bring an appetite!”

“Pathetic,” Pharnyx muttered.

“Are you about to talk about how the only appetite he should have is for love, or something vaguely evil like that?”

“No, I was going to complain about your security. There aren’t any visible guards. I was also going to complain about how soft he is, but quietly and in private.”

“That’s very polite of you,” Spike said, because it was always good to acknowledge progress, no matter how small it was.

“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Twilight asked, loudly enough to make sure she interrupted.

Spike winced and looked up. The conference table was covered in paperwork and surrounded by bored-looking ponies, with the exception of Twilight, who had absolutely perfected the ‘angry teacher’ look, unlike her friends. “Uh, um… No, I was paying attention! You were talking about…” He looked at Pharynx. The changeling shrugged.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Pharynx admitted. “We were talking about Thorax.”

“You could have at least tried covering for me,” Spike muttered.

“Where is the big guy, anyway?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Shouldn’t he be dealing with some of this?”

“He wanted to talk to the brides,” Spike said. “I think he’s a little jealous, actually.”

“Ever since he got the invitation he’s been moping,” Pharynx huffed. “Chrysalis never had a problem like this. If she wanted a marefriend, or a stallionfriend, she’d just go out and take them! No offense.”

“It’s okay,” Twilight said. “My brother is quite the catch.”

“Ew!” Dash said. “That’s weird, Twilight.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Twilight blushed. “I just mean Cadance is a lucky mare!”

“Cadance is the one who put the stupid idea in his head in the first place,” Pharynx continued. “He doesn’t want to date anybug in the hive because he thinks he can’t be honest with them if he’s ruling them. I think it’s really just because he remembers how most of them used to bully him.”

“Some ponies enjoy that sort of thing,” Rarity noted. She was halfway paying attention, working on embroidery for a last-minute order. “Applejack’s little sister has quite a crush on the pony who used to torment her.”

“No she doesn’t!” Applejack said. “She ain’t never said anything about it to me!”

“Well of course not,” Rarity said, as calm as still water. “She only told Sweetie Belle, who cannot keep a secret if her very life depended on it. While we’re on the subject, you may wish to find some way to tell Apple Bloom you wouldn’t disown her if she started dating a mare. She has some odd ideas about how you’d react.”

Applejack sat back and groaned. “She’s too young t’ date at all. Guess I should at least make sure she ain’t gonna do it in secret so I can make sure she don’t make the same kind of mistakes I did at her age.”

“What kind of mistakes are those?” Dash asked, suddenly very invested in this conversation.

“The kind that ain’t worth tellin, since unlike some ponies in this room I ain’t keen on givin’ everypony a detailed description of every mare, stallion, or hen I went and bedded.”

Dash’s cheeks turned red. “I told you that in private!”

“And I didn’t use no names,” Applejack retorted.

“Rainbow Dash did, though,” Pinkie Pie said. “Lots of names.”

“We were talking about what kind of mare my brother would like,” Pharynx said, changing the subject.

“Oh?” Rarity looked up, taking off her glasses and putting her work down to give this her whole attention. “And what sort of mare is that?”

“Somepony exciting!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “That’s the most important thing!”

“He’s always seemed like a very sensitive and caring changeling,” Fluttershy suggested. “I bet he wants somepony he can feel safe around.”

Pharynx scoffed. “He gets scared talking to anyone he hasn’t met before. He’ll never feel safe.”

“What if it was somepony he met before?” Spike asked. “Somepony he knew wouldn’t judge him?”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Everypony, we were in the middle of a very important document review.”

“We are?” Pinkie asked. “I thought we were talking about what color icing we should use on the cake. Trust me, you don’t want to just mix mint green and butter yellow. I tried that and it looks a lot like somepony already ate the cake and it didn’t agree with them”

“No, we're on paragraph three, which is--”

“Not now, Twilight, darling, this is much more important,” Rarity said. “Can you imagine how tormented Thorax must be? The king of a whole race of beings who once fed on love, and he cannot find it himself!”

“We’ve been over that already,” Spike said. “It’s ironic, yadda yadda.”

“I really feel sorry for him,” Fluttershy said. “He’s such a nice stallion. Even all of my animals like him.”

“Yeah, but he’s also a giant beetle-moose,” Rainbow said. “Do you know how hard it must be for him to get a date? I mean I’m the hottest mare on the Wonderbolts and I can’t even get a date, so for him, it’s gotta basically be impossible.”

“I thought you and Applejack were…?” Rarity started, slightly confused.

Applejack snorted. “She just likes gettin’ free meals.”

“Hey, you have apple pancakes for breakfast once and you get addicted,” Rainbow said, with a shrug.

“Course somepony likes havin’ seconds and sometimes thirds, and then she’s napping it off for hours,” Applejack said.

“Is this a euphemism?” Rarity asked. “I confess I’m not entirely up on the hip new lingo.”

“There must be somepony in town who would be perfect for Thorax,” Spike said. “Somepony caring, who loves all sorts of living creatures.”

“Somepony who can see the best in anyone,” Rarity added.

“Are we going to keep going or can we just cut to the chase and admit we’re talking about Fluttershy?” Dash asked. “Because we’re definitely doing that, and I think we should at least like, ask her if she’s even into him.”

Fluttershy slowly sank below the table, burdened with the gazes of everypony else in the room.

“I’m not… I don’t even know him that well!” Fluttershy whispered, once she was safely under the table.

“You need to be more confident!” Rarity scoffed. “He’s royalty! Of a sort. Besides, the point of a date is to see how well two ponies get along. Or a pony and a changeling. It’s more or less the same. I assume?” She looked up at Pharynx.

“Why are you looking at me?” The changeling frowned.

“She’s assuming you have more game than your brother,” Dash said. “Probably because you’re confident enough that you might actually ask a pony out on a date.”

“For a changelin’ wouldn’t it be more like checkin’ if they like her flavor?” Applejack asked.

“Usually that doesn’t come up until the third date for ponies,” Pinkie stage-whispered.

“Pinkie Pie, don’t use that kind of language around poor Fluttershy!” Rarity gasped. “She’s nervous enough about her date!”

“Not much of a date if all of us are there,” Dash said.

“For once, you have a good point,” Rarity agreed. “This is a bit vexing. I hate having to do this, but I suppose we’ll have to all cancel at the last minute. Except for Fluttershy, of course.”

“What?!” Twilight jumped to her hooves. “We can’t just cancel! I have plans! This is an official royal event! I printed Thorax’s invitation on the good stationery!”

“Aside from that, I can see from a mile away that this whole enterprise is doomed t’ fail,” Applejack said. “I won’t have no part of this here folly, and if y’all have any sense, you won’t have any part of it neither.”

“You just don’t have any sense of romance,” Rarity scoffed. “Look at how excited Fluttershy is!”

“I can’t, because she’s hidin’ under the table.”

“Hold on, I’ll get her,” Spike sighed. He hopped down and walked under the table, only having to crouch slightly to avoid hitting his head.

Fluttershy was flat against the ground, covering her head like she was waiting for an explosion. The argument above them continued, muffled somewhat by the conference table.

“You okay?” Spike asked. “It, uh, it might be a good idea to put your hoof down and just tell them you won’t do it.”

Fluttershy sighed and uncovered herself. “It’s just… it’s not like I don’t want to spend time with him,” she said. “If I say no, it’s not just saying no to their plan, it’s like I’m saying I don’t even want to spend time with a friend.”

“I’m pretty sure that Thorax would understand if you explained.”

Fluttershy smiled. “You’re right! Then we can just have a nice private picnic.”

“...of course, it’s all my fault for scheduling three meetings at the same time,” Rarity said. “But I suppose that is what happens to ponies who aren’t as good at scheduling as Twilight. I must apologize again but if I don’t at least make an attempt to see this through I’ll have to find a new supplier for silk and you just know how those Saddle Arabians are with their royal family, even as small as it is.”

Thorax, who had been listening to Rarity make excuses for several minutes without being able to get a word in edgewise, just nodded a little. He’d never actually met a Saddle Arabian and he’d lost track of what she’d been saying sometime between her intricate description of a future dress project and the fact that for some reason, it wasn’t appropriate to wear white after a certain date. He wasn’t even sure exactly why she needed to leave right now, but was left with the feeling that there were very good reasons.

Just as Rarity had planned.

“And everypony else?” Thorax asked.

“Oh well, your brother is checking security with Rainbow Dash, there was just some minor issue and they’ll be along as soon as it’s resolved. Pinkie Pie was unfortunately forced to work some overtime because of a quote-unquote ‘cake emergency’. And Twilight is, of course, going to be assisting me, which is rather flattering, having a Princess following my orders.”

“What about Applejack?” Thorax looked around.

“Oh, yes.” Rarity frowned, looking away. “I am told she had to… scrub tree sap out of her sister’s mane.”

“Isn’t that Apple Bloom over there?” Thorax pointed.

“It might have been some other relative of hers, then,” Rarity said, rolling her eyes. “The important thing is that you and Fluttershy have the best view in Ponyville Park! Look at that scenic lakeside! Isn’t it just so romantic?”

“I guess?” Thorax said. “I’m not really an expert.” He paused. “I’m not an expert. Oh no, I’m an awful changeling…”

“Don’t say that,” Fluttershy said, reaching over to rub his back gently between the wing covers. “You’re a very good changeling. Lots of ponies aren’t experts in romance. Sometimes I can’t even read books on romance because I get too flustered!”

“I’ll leave you two alone to talk. There’s a very nice packed lunch in the basket,” Rarity said. She bowed a little and excused herself, trotting down the trail in what didn’t look like a hurry until she was out of sight.

The moment she was sure Thorax and Fluttershy couldn’t see her, she ran into one of the very large bushes overlooking the small picnic site.

“How are they getting along?” Rarity asked the pony who’d been waiting there for her. She squeezed towards the front end of the bush, trying to see what was going on.

“They’re making polite conversation,” Twilight whispered. “I’m starting to wonder if this is the kind of thing Cadance used to do. I remember a lot of odd playdates when I was going to school, and this feels a lot like watching them from the outside.”

“Shall we begin operation Butterfly Kisses?” Rarity asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“That doesn’t even make sense. Butterflies don’t kiss. They don’t have the right mouthparts. Some of them can’t even eat--”

“Twilight, darling, for the most eligible bachelorette in Equestria you really are too hung up on the small things. Speaking of small things, Angel?”

The rabbit glared at Rarity. She wasn’t sure if he was glaring because he was angry about being stuffed into a tiny (and perfectly tailored) tuxedo, or because glaring was simply his natural state of being.

“If you perform to expectations, I will see to it that a certain number of gourmet carrots are deposited into your account, hm?” Rarity said.

Angel narrowed his eyes and held out one paw, making a gesture that Rarity recognized instantly even without Fluttershy’s talents.

“Now see here, we are trying to do something nice for Fluttershy, and you can either get the carrots as we agreed or you can get nothing except me telling Fluttershy that her pet is too rude to get any sort of treat for the next month!”

Angel huffed and looked down.

“That’s what I thought,” Rarity said. “If it helps to sweeten the deal, if you accomplish your task well and politely, I shall double our arranged price.”

She held out a bottle. Angel grabbed it and hopped away, flicking his foot at her.

“I don’t know how Fluttershy puts up with him,” Rarity muttered. “Spike is much easier to deal with.”

“Spike isn’t a pet,” Twilight said.

“Hm? Not now, Twilight. I’m trying to listen!”

“The reason it meant so much isn’t just that they saved me, it’s that all of them came together to spend some of their precious time making me feel better,” Fluttershy explained, smiling at the butterfly relaxing on her hoof.

“They don’t live long, do they?” Thorax asked.

“Some of them only live a few days. Others can live for months, but none of them last. It doesn’t mean they’re not beautiful and wonderful friends, it just means we need to treasure the time we have together.” Fluttershy leaned in close, letting the butterfly come closer in a tiny nuzzle before it flew away.

“Maybe I should get a pet,” Thorax said. “It would be nice to have someone around who loved me and didn’t need me to give them orders or take care of them…”

“That’s, um…” Fluttershy hesitated. “Actually that’s sort of what pets are exactly like. Except cats. They sort of take care of themselves.”

Angel hopped over, looking annoyed to be there and even more annoyed that he had to serve people who were merely a multiple-time savior of the world and royalty. This only made him look more like an adorable Prench waiter.

“Oh, is that Chateau Cherry?” Fluttershy asked. “Well of course I’d like a glass, Angel. That’s very kind of you.”

“Cherry?” Thorax asked.

“Would you like a glass too?”

“What’s it like?”

“Take a sip of mine,” Fluttershy said.

“Oh!” Rarity gasped. “That’s very forward of her!”

“She’s just letting Thorax have a taste of her drink,” Twilight said. “How is that romantic? Every time you have a glass you offer us some to try.”

“I offer you a sip,” Rarity corrected. “And I’m just trying to expand your horizons, darling. The point is, sharing a drink like that is an indirect kiss! It’s one of the keystones in building a relationship between two timid ponies. I have dozens of books where it starts with sharing drinks and ends with sharing a bed.”

“Please, I’ve seen those books,” Discord said. “They’re practically identical and they’ve all got a pony who looks distressingly like Prince Blueblood on the cover posing so you can see his chest and flank at the same time. The only thing that changes is if he’s a farmer or a firepony.”

“How dare you!” Rarity gasped. “Plowing the Field of Dreams and Ashes from a Purple Rose Garden are completely different stories and-- when did Discord get here? Twilight, why did you invite Discord?”

“I didn’t invite him,” Twilight sighed.

Thorax tapped his chin for a few moments in thought, then put down the empty wineglass. “Nope.”

“Really?” Fluttershy looked disappointed, glancing at her own half-full glass like it had betrayed her. “I just kind of assumed…”

“A lot of ponies think love and wine should taste the same,” Thorax said. “Ponies kind of think they must be the same because when two ponies are getting romantic, they share a glass of wine, but… from what I’ve seen, that’s not because wine tastes like love, it’s because even when you’re with someone you love and trust, it can be easier to open up to them if you lower your inhibitions.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Fluttershy agreed.

“It’s something I’m really bad at,” Thorax continued. “When I was just part of the hive, I couldn’t talk to anyone. When I was around ponies I had to pretend to be one of them, and even if I could feel how much they loved me, it wasn’t really me, it was the pony I looked like.”

“What about around other changelings?”

“My brother protected me, but if I let anybug else know I wasn’t a big tough bug? I’d get beaten up by anybug who wanted to prove they weren’t like me -- which was basically every single changeling in the hive.” Thorax sighed.

“Oh no!” Fluttershy gasped. “That’s so terrible!”

“It’s okay. Now that I’m in charge, a lot of them have apologized, and it turns out a bunch of them felt the same way I did, they just weren’t able to leave the hive. They all think I was brave for making it on my own.”

“At least things have gotten better,” Fluttershy offered. “And now you can really tell anypony how you feel and they won’t judge you!”

“Even if it doesn’t taste like love, the wine does help a little with that. Thanks for pouring for me!” He smiled and picked up his now-full glass. “I hadn’t even noticed.”

“Oh, I didn’t, um,” Fluttershy glanced at her own wineglass, which she’d never put down. It had mysteriously gone from half-full to brimming without her actually doing anything. “That’s strange.”

"Move your hoof, I can't see anything," Discord said. "Oh, never mind, I'll just--" He wove himself around Rarity and Twilight so he could peer out of the bush, ending up draped around them like something between a constrictor snake and a mismatched scarf.

"This is a sensitive situation, Discord!" Rarity hissed. "They nearly spotted me giving them refills!"

“Which is precisely why I came!” Discord said. “Really, how dare you try to set my dear little Fluttershy up on a date without involving me?”

“Things need to go precisely as planned!” Rarity hissed. “A few more glasses and they'll stop being so awkward. You're going to ruin things!”

“Yeah, he’d definitely mess it up,” Rainbow Dash agreed.

“Rainbow Dash?!” Rarity sputtered. “Get out of here! All of you are going to ruin this! I have plans and if all of you are in the bush she’ll notice!”

“Don’t worry, I’m not in the bush,” Dash said. “I parked a cloud on top. It was getting really crowded in there.”

“That’s true,” Pinkie Pie agreed, squeezing in on top of Rarity and Twilight like a pony pyramid. “It doesn’t seem physically possible for all of us to be in here.”

"If you would stop standing on my and Twilight's shoulders, perhaps we could find a more agreeable configuration?" Rarity hissed. "I believe your work at the bakery has given you certain attributes that are less than desirable."

"Are you calling her fat?" Dash asked.

"I would never insult a friend," Rarity said. "However, I prefer to be the stepee, not the stepped."

"Well I can't stand on the ground, somepony else is using it!" Pinkie complained.

“You're all welcome to leave,” Discord said. “I can handle this myself, without all of you stepping on each other trying to watch those two make kissy faces at each other. Not that the big bug deserves a mare as beautiful and kind as my dear Fluttershy.”

“Wait, do you have a crush on her?” Dash asked.

Discord scoffed. “What? That’s preposterous! That would be like you crushing on everypony with a nice hat!”

“That’s not true!” Dash countered. “I mean… Daring Do is pretty okay… but Applejack, I mean…” Her cheeks started turning pink.

“...I have quite a few very fetching hats,” Rarity ventured.

Fluttershy nibbled on the edge of a cucumber sandwich. It was quite nice. Rarity had used both cream cheese and butter, with plenty of salt. She couldn't put her hoof on it, but something felt off about the date. It was the feeling a prey animal had when the eyes of a predator were on it, or even more accurately, the feeling two ponies on Cadance's shipping charts felt whenever she was feeling like 'experimenting'.

"So what is changeling cooking like?" she asked. It seemed like the kind of thing to ask, since they were eating.

"We don't really have traditions yet, but we're trying all sorts of things!" Thorax said. "It's hard to get some of the ingredients, so we have to substitute a lot, but some of us are really starting to show talent for it. We do a curry night every Thursday at Spoon's place on the third hive level."

"Oh, that sounds wonderful! I'd love to visit."

"You should! We only get poisoned once in a while now. We're getting much better at figuring out the difference between food and not-food."

"That's, um, that's good," Fluttershy said, now regretting even suggesting it. "Oh, is that Applejack?"

“Hey there, Fluttershy,” Applejack said, trotting along the path. She glanced back to the bush, then at Fluttershy’s fragile smile. “How you two holdin’ up?”

“We’re great!” Thorax said. “So, I heard you had to wash tree sap out of your sister’s mane? How’d that go?”

“You know, I ain’t no good at lyin,” Applejack said. It was the kind of phrase that usually precedes an answer. The silence stretched on.

“Do you want, um, a cucumber sandwich?” Fluttershy offered, pushing the plate towards Applejack.

“Nah, I just took a break to make sure things weren’t getting out of hoof,” Applejack said. “Seems like everything’s okay with, uh, with yer greenery and clouds stuck t’ the ground like somepony thinks there’s such a thing as an albino shrub and that nopony’d notice it.”

“It’s fog!” the cloud hissed.

“Oh, right, fog,” Applejack said. “Don’t know why I was bein’ so silly.”

“Actually,” the bush said, “There are albino plants, but they’re extremely rare because they’re unable to produce chlorophyll and so they have to grow as parasites on other- ow, Rarity, why are you hitting me?!”

“You know, I’m thinkin’ I should just, uh. Check the bush for…” Applejack hesitated. “Fer leaves. In case they've got tree sap on 'em too. Y’all try to have a nice date, okay? Sorry about all this.”

“Okay?” Fluttershy asked, confused.

“Wait, is this a date?” Thorax asked. “But I didn’t even wear anything special, or bring flowers! Oh chitin I’m messing this up! I’m so sorry!”

Applejack squeezed into the bush, and almost stepped right on a purple pony who was lying very still against the ground.

“Darnit, Twilight, y’all need to be more--” She got a better look at the pony. “Starlight?”

Rarity looked back from the other side of the bush. “Starlight?”

“To be fair,” Starlight said. “We were here first.”

“Does this mean Trixie can stop being quiet?” Trixie whispered, from under Starlight.

“Shh!” Starlight shushed.

“Really?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow.

“We were practicing a magic trick,” Starlight said, to a lot of ponies who were very skeptical about that interpretation of the facts. “It, um, it’s a contortionist act.”

“Do you sell tickets?” Dash asked.

“Be quiet, Dash!” Rarity hissed. “We’re just lucky Thorax doesn’t seem to have noticed anything yet!”

“He needs to just get it over with and kiss her,” buzzed the next bush over.

“But what if she rejects him?” The second bush asked, in a smaller, more purple and dragonish tone of voice. “It’s better to just show how valuable and dependable you are, right? Even if it takes years. And she never seems to notice you.”

“And that’s why he isn’t taking your advice,” the bush buzzed. “Thorax! Get in there and kiss her! You’re taller than her! That means you’re in charge and you need to act like it! Sweep her off her hooves and drag her back to the hive!”

The bush coughed.

“Oh, right. I mean, sweep her off her hooves and… do whatever it is that ponies do for romance. I was never an infiltrator, okay? I just guarded the hive!”

“That bush is giving awful advice,” Discord muttered.

“If you want I could try a spell to make them fall in love,” Starlight said.

“Y’ can’t just make two ponies fall in love with a spell,” Applejack said.

“Actually, Princess Cadance does it all the time,” Twilight interjected. “Well, she says it just brings out buried feelings ponies already have, but I have my doubts.”

"I meant you can't on moral grounds," Applejack said, not that anypony was listening.

“I was thinking of using a modified Number Seventeen,” Starlight continued.

“Ooh, that’s a real whammy.” Twilight winced. “I’m sure we could use a lighter touch. Just a suggestion spell, like a standard Number Four.”

“Can Trixie suggest using spells to enhance the mood instead of just controlling them?” Trixie contributed, her voice muffled by parts of Starlight. “Stage dressing is very important, and frankly Trixie is finding this whole thing very awkward and wishes she was somewhere else.”

Starlight winced. "Actually, it might be good to move. I'm starting to cramp from being twisted like this. Can you move?"

"Who, me?" Twilight asked, looking around. "I'm kind of stuck."

"I don't know! Somepony's pinning my leg back!"

"There's a lot of legs in here right now," Twilight said. "Can you wiggle it?"

"I felt a wiggle!" Pinkie said.

"I didn't move yet," Starlight said.

"Oh. It must have been Pinkie Sense, then," Pinkie said. "I just need to-- actually, my tail's caught on Twilight's horn. Twilight, you need to move so I can tell if my tail is waggling or wibbling!"

"What's the difference?" Twilight asked.

"If it's waggling, it means that in the end we're responsible for all of our own decisions and everything we do is just passing time before our inevitable end, and even if we use every moment we have as wisely as possible we will always have to wonder about the opportunity costs we paid along the way and what could have been, and even if we're immortal we can never go home again because time changes all things."

"And wibbling?" Dash asked.

"That means there's somepony around who doesn't like apple fritters."

“There ain't nopony who don't like apple fritters,” Applejack scolded. “I swear y’all are competing to find a way to make this worse with every growin’ minute!”

“I tried to help,” Rarity huffed. “I packed them a lunch!”

“Spike made the lunch,” Twilight corrected.

“I planned the menu, and planning and management are essentially all of the work.”

“I can’t believe I wasted an afternoon on this,” the second bush buzzed, in a much taller and more evil, yet feminine, voice than before.

“Wait a minute…” Twilight frowned. She moved a few leaves with her hoof and then lifted a branch on the other shrub with her magic. “Chrysalis?!”

The changeling queen smiled awkwardly, and it would have been almost endearing and honest if it hadn’t been for the dozens of inch-long fangs.

“...would you believe I’m here for the wedding?” Chrysalis asked.

"Get her!" Twilight yelled.

There was a surge of effort.

"Ow! Ow! My leg!" Starlight yelped. "Stop moving!"

"I have to move!" Rarity said. "I'm being crushed!"

"I ain't sure how but I think both of my back legs are knotted up with Discord," Applejack said.

"That's my fault, hold on, let me find my kidneys," Discord said. "Would anyone mind if I turned inside out?"

"Nopony is turning inside out!" Twilight snapped. "We got in here, we can get out! Who's on top?"

"Trixie isn't," Trixie supplied, helpfully.

"Okay, but--"

"Trixie is only on top every other day," Trixie continued, completely unnecessarily.

"I didn't need to know that," Twilight said.

"Do you need a moment?" Chrysalis asked.

"No, we're fine!" Twilight yelled. "I just need to-- I need to-- Dash, you're not even in the bush, help us out!"

"Fine, fine," Dash sighed, reaching down from her cloud. "Maybe if I push here..."

"Since you're fine, I'll just go enslave Ponyville," Chrysalis said, stepping out of the other bush easily, almost like it wasn't stuffed full of horses. She brushed herself off. "Oh yes, before I go..."

She turned to Thorax and Fluttershy.

"You make a cute couple. Remember to use twice as much lube as you think you need to avoid chafing."

"Oh!" Dash said, perking up, "That's it! Lube! I'll have you girls unstuck in a second!"

"Mom!" Thorax groaned. "Why?!"

"Because I'm evil," Chrysalis cackled, prancing towards town with no real haste.

“I’m really sorry about all this,” Thorax said. The one good thing was that he and Fluttershy were finally alone for a little while. The fires had also mostly burned down, and the blanket was only slightly scorched.

“It’s not your fault,” Fluttershy assured him. “You couldn’t have known Queen Chrysalis was going to crash the party.”

“I probably should have suspected it.” Thorax looked down the hill. “She likes going through my mail.”

“How does she get your mail?” Fluttershy asked, confused.

“Well, um…” Thorax blushed. “She comes back to the hive sometimes when she’s drunk or sad, and we just kind of let her sleep it off. She’s not really that bad. Wait, no, she is that bad. She’s pretty awful. But she’s also family, and that has to count for something.”

“That’s true,” Fluttershy admitted. “My brother is like that.”

“Evil and trying to conquer Equestria?”

“Oh no, he’s not ambitious enough for that. He just sometimes feels lost and needs family around to comfort him.” She paused. “Also he likes big dramatic speeches and sweeping promises of revenge.”

“Yeah, Mom does enjoy monologues,” Thorax sighed. “So I guess this whole day has been a real letdown. I hope the wedding isn’t ruined.”

“I’m sure it won’t be,” Fluttershy said. She smiled up at him. “Ponyville is really good at rebuilding after a disaster, and the brides will be so happy that they had two royal changelings fighting over who got to be at the ceremony!”

“Hey, maybe you’re right!” Thorax smiled. “And you know what else?”

“What?” Fluttershy asked.

“I think there’s a cafe over there that’s still open and not on fire. Do you want to get some real lunch without all our friends hanging around?”

Fluttershy reached over and took his hoof. “It’s a date!”